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10/7/11 3:45 P

This is a helpful discussion and I appreciate it. I think I have trouble understanding what is "forgiveness" and there I am going to look into the book you (Polarpup) suggest. I suppose Jesus is always a great example as He walked away from unrepentant sinners and expressed His love for them by praying for them, with no anger or bitterness whatsoever. And when those who were sincerely sorry and wished to change came to Him, He welcomed them home. Thanks everyone. It is so comforting to know others have shared similar experiences and found God's way through them.

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10/7/11 3:04 P

Yes, this I agree with whole-heartedly. If we withhold unforgiveness then we are in sin, but once we release the offender through forgiveness it is the offender's sin to carry; not ours.

The enemy is definitely a master at his deceit, and loves it when we "sign up" to carry the guilt of someone else's sin.

Thank God for sisters in the Lord. We can help each other on our daily journey.

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10/7/11 2:58 P

Well, what I meant by that...and perhaps wasn't clear on...as that it is THEIR problem that they are treating you badly. If you truly believe in your heart that you did nothing to cause them to behave badly towards you then you need to realize that it is not your fault. That is what I meant by it not being personal. I in no way mean to imply that it wasn't personally hurtful to you.

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10/7/11 2:53 P

ALLE88, although I think your Blog is filled with much good content, I'm afraid I disagree with "Realize that the offense was not personal." If someone is attacking your character or saying hurtful things to you/about you ... those comments are meant to be personal.

But bottom line is we can choose to own them and internalize them or we can choose to let them go and give them to God.

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10/7/11 2:45 P

ALLE88, you are not butting in. This is what community is all about!

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10/7/11 2:42 P

I don't mean to interfere into your "conversation" babybell and polarpup but I have had to deal with this issue, too. And it is a painful one. I actually just yesterday wrote a blog post on this very topic, as someone recently hurt me and will obviously never apologize. I don't normally promote my blog here on Sparkpeople...but here is the link if you would care to read it. It is just some things the Lord has been teaching me as I have journeyed through forgiving a best friend who walked away without reason from a 15 year friendship a few years ago. I don't know if it will help anyone or not.

growing4life.wordpress.com/2011/10/06/when
-forgiving-is-hard/

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10/7/11 2:40 P

I used to think that forgiveness was making the choice to forgive and then let the “offender” back into my life. I now know that’s just another definition for insanity. In the midst of my trauma, I went to the Christian bookstore in town in searching for something that would bring some sort of relief … Bible study, music, something.

As I was searching, a book almost jumped out and bit me. It’s called “How to Forgive … When You Don’t Feel Like It,” by June Hunt. (Let me tell you, that was EXACTLY where I was at. I definitely saw it as a God-ordained moment when I discovered that book in the bookstore!!)

Anyway, in her book she discusses in as much as forgiveness is a command and we must be obedient to the Lord in that area, it is a very different thing to let someone back into your life that has not displayed any signs of remorse and/or willingness to change. She had a lot to say about forgiveness and I would highly recommend you getting a copy. (Amazon.com has it available.)

June Hunt also has a website: hopefortheheart.org. There are articles you can read/download and she also has resource materials available for purchase. When I went to her website I was given the option to choose three resources at no cost to me. (They have pamphlets with several different topics, such as forgiveness, dysfunctional families, etc.)

I hope that I have provided some additional information that can help you and your kids.

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10/7/11 2:15 P

I love what your pastor said. In the sense that I don't think so much about these relatives anymore or see them anymore, I have forgiven the family members who have so hurt my children and me. I guess I always thought that forgiveness meant actually reaching back out to those who have hurt you, with love and caring, and including them in my life. I was wondering what forgiveness means to you. I think if it means letting go of the hatred and bitterness I felt, that is getting better. But I don't see myself reaching out with love and warmth to those who have never said they are sorry to the children and me, and then including them and their evil back into our lives. You are right - that would not be a Christian life.

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10/7/11 2:01 P

I hear you about the criticism and/or guilt that can come from setting those kind of boundaries. By the way the people that cause the need for us to up boundaries ALWAYS respond in anger.

I had to talk to my pastor in the midst of my guilty feelings of “honor thy mother and father.” I asked him, what do I do in this situation? And his reply was so liberating. He told me sometimes the best way we can honor our mother and father is to separate from them. He continued that to stay within that abusive atmosphere I would never be able to be the Christian I would be otherwise.

I have forgiven my family regardless of if they ever apologize or not. I’ve been told if you don’t forgive another’s offense you will remain bound to that person/people (and they remain cursed with their sin.) I certainly didn’t want that anchor hanging around my neck, so I chose to forgive. (It wasn’t immediate or overnight, but it is complete. It took awhile for my feelings to match my confession, but they eventually caught up. Now I feel pity for the hate my family is trapped in. PRAISE JESUS I HAVE BEEN SET FREE!)

I’m glad we can have this dialogue, I believe it’s not only therapeutic, but it can bring healing as well.

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10/7/11 1:45 P

Hi, PolarPup, thanks very much for the supportive message. The hardest part of the whole experience of walking away was the criticism I heard. Everyone in my family sees themselves as very Christian and religious. I was told that Christians honor their parents and forgive sinners. Therefore the children and I were supposed to put up with the abuse of our trust and love. Finally, I had to tell myself that God only forgives those who acknowledge they have sinned and ask for forgiveness. If and when my relatives acknowledge they have sinned and ask my children and I for forgiveness, I will do what the Lord's Prayer asks:"forgive us as we forgive those who sin against us."

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10/7/11 1:16 P

BABYBELL3, I can soooooooo relate to your story. Unfortunately, I can't say the hatred has come from steps and halves but from my own mother and siblings. I too found that to have restored health I had to walk away. God does not expect us to live with abuse no matter who the abuser is. I am so happy to hear you are in a better place now.

We have a great team of very caring women here, so don't ever hesitate to let us know how we can best be a support to you along your journey.

Be blessed sister,
Sue

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10/6/11 11:26 P

I am excited about finding Christian fellowship on this webpage. Change is difficult. I have mostly good change - my oldest son left for college and I do miss him very much. My middle child is in the stressful college application process and my youngest is entering her teenage years. God has blessed them with health and talent. But these teenage years are not pretty when they change from the little angels that loved me unconditionally to harsly judgemental adolescents, very focused on themselves. Change. I have been a widow for ten year and yet God has blessed our family and taken care of us. We are NOT by a long shot wealthy, but our needs are met. Thank you, God. I thank God daily and don't ever feel like complaining because He really has blessed us with love, closeness and some measure of financial security. We have had to leave most of our extended family behind - everyone is divorced, remarried, dead and there is an enormous amount of jealousy and competition between all the steps- and halves-. When my husband died, the steps- and halves- really pulled out the knives. The Bible is right about how Evil finds victims among widows and fatherless children. So I prayed and prayed and the message from God was loud and clear, to walk away. And walk away we did and we have been blessed in our church, our friends, our schools and God's close stewardship. Sparkpeople is really a great website and I am making new friends here too.

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10/5/11 7:42 P

So funny you should mention that book..I have been contemplating buying it for a few weeks now. So you think it is worth it? ;)

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10/5/11 6:00 P

My precious "faith filled" ladies, if you haven't checked out the book "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst I highly recommend it! It ties our issues with food to our walk with the Lord and it is an absolutely inspirational book!

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10/4/11 8:19 P

Thanks so much for your good ideas, everyone! They are much appreciated...as are your prayers :)

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10/4/11 7:52 A

I can't offer anything but you have been given some good ideas.

Jane on Guam

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10/4/11 4:58 A

Hi Alle, I understand what you are going through, although my circumstances are a bit different. You see, for the last 3 years I was taking care of my parents. I quit everything, my job, graduate school, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, to take care of my parents. My mom passed away shortly afterwards, and caring for my dad became my life. He just passed away this June, and I can tell you honestly that for 3 months I walked around like a lost puppy. Talk about a life change! I just started nursing school in September (I was a teacher before all this happened) and now am finally starting to get back into a routine again. My children are all but grown, I have 3 in college with me! I still have some very difficult days, but I've learned that I can't do it on my own. I need God every day to help me through. Take some time every day to spend time with God. Whether you read the bible, listen to a praise and worship song, journal about your feelings.. I call my journal "Letters to God", and I get it all out... It really has helped me get my perspective back, as well as my motivation. I now make sure that I drink my water every day, and exercise at least 15 minutes a day. It's small steps, but it was these same small steps that helped me lose the weight in the beginning... Keeping you in my prayers.

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10/4/11 12:02 A

Amen! Well said, Daphne!

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10/3/11 10:42 P

Hi ALLE88, The other members have given you good advice. I would like to add praise and thanksgiving. I like to reflect on God's precious promises. I often recite that God has a plan and a purpose for everything that comes into my life. Even things I don't understand, but He had told me not to lean in my own understanding, but to trust in Him. As I praise and thank Him and trust Him to lead me one step at a time, I make progress.

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10/3/11 9:29 P

Allee88, I am struggling due to lifestyle change as well right now. No tragedy....just major change in our daily routine. It makes things much more challenging. Every day is a new day, and it's hard to have a plan. I do still get my work out in most days...but my eating has been really challenging.

I have found that a prayer first thing in the morning asking for God's help really does help. He cares about it all, not just the big things, but the very tinest of things in our lives. I would also encourage you to not bite off more than you can chew. Maybe pick one thing to work on each week. Getting all your water, one week, cutting back on sweets the next, getting fruits and veggies in ...building on each week, by adding one more healthy habit.

If you wait to have a work out buddy - it won't happen and if it does, it will be temporary. You can't depend on anyone else to do this for you or WITH you. "If it's to be, it's up to me". I lost 55 lbs when I finally quit waiting for my DH to join me in the journey. When I would complain about my weight, he would say "if it bothers you, do something about it". But, I would always wait for him to do it with me. He needs to lose weight too! But, he was perfectly happy the way he was! I'm proud of what I accomplished, but now I've gained 5 lbs. back after maintaining my 55 lb. weight loss for almost 5 years.

I have to re-gain my focus and with my current circumstances it's been extremely challenging. I'm cheering for you.

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10/3/11 9:23 P

Can only tell you what is helping me Drink lots of water...your body needs it for energy and so your muscles will not tire. Make yourself exercise....it gets easier each day, Just 15 minutes will show a difference. To be honest the biggest thing is for me to turn it over to God and tell him how I feel and ask for his strength. Best of luck and God bless you.

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10/3/11 9:08 P

Focus on getting all of your fruits and vegetables in every day. You will be less focused on the foods that sabotage your efforts and they "stay" with you longer. Keep up with your water intake too. Sometimes when we think we're hungry, its really thirst.

Change whether good or bad can send us into a tailspin ... remember where your help comes from. :) I'm praying for you too.

Blessings,
Sue

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10/3/11 8:43 P

I am having such a hard time controlling my cravings during this difficult time of my life. No, I have not endured a terrible tragedy. But life is changing (kids growing up) and there have been more difficult moments this year than usual. I find myself with no energy to focus on exercise or eating. Does anyone have any encouraging words for me? Any ideas on how to break this terrible place I am at right now?

Many thanks to anyone who takes the time to respond :)

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