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TEAROSE22's Photo TEAROSE22 SparkPoints: (30,496)
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3/13/14 2:56 P

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Healthy-V, hi,
Individuals who open their mouths before engaging their brains are everywhere. In this day of random rudeness, even from those we love, there is no perfect answer. I am so sensitive on this subject, coming from 535 pounds, losing 187 pounds so far, I have received many downward glances, comments, verbal abuse. Luckily, God gave me a wonderful mind, the ability to overcome the stigma of my weight via love of family and my faith, a dynamic career, and an employer that allowed me to excel....the last 3 years of my career from a wheel chair.
Realize that no one walks in your shoes but you...hold your head high, be who you are,
And most of all..love yourself through everyday of your Spark journey. God Bless, Tina


"Santina Rose"
06/01/2010 535 pounds
Documented weight,
10/17/2013 began SP
Lifestyle at 395 pounds

"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit at home and think about it. Go out and get busy!" Dale Carnegie
******************
"Love the people who saw you when you were invisible to everyone else."




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DEBBIEANNE1124's Photo DEBBIEANNE1124 SparkPoints: (96,953)
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3/6/14 9:03 P

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Great responses!



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HEALTHY-V's Photo HEALTHY-V Posts: 186
3/5/14 10:28 P

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Thanks, Laurie. You're right. I have to focus on the things I have to do for myself now and I'll see if it's something I want to talk to them later on, once my feelings have settled.

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SYLPHINPROGRESS's Photo SYLPHINPROGRESS Posts: 13,328
3/5/14 7:37 A

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You don't have to decide right away whether to tell them, Healthy-V. It would probably be a good idea to give yourself some space before deciding. Who knows -- you may end up deciding just not to speak with them again about depression. The reason I'm suggesting that you hold off on deciding is because you're anticipating how they may respond. There's no way to know and speculating complicates things for you for no good reason.

Focus on the things that give your heart a lift. That's what matters most.


LAURIE, NYC
No one said it would be easy, but it can be easier.


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HEALTHY-V's Photo HEALTHY-V Posts: 186
3/4/14 11:06 P

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Thank you all for the support and ideas. Iím still debating whether or not to tell them their comments really hurt me (but afraid theyíll think I canít take criticism, which might be kind of true right now) and that if they want me to think about something maybe they could ask me questions instead of issuing judgments. NancyPat, itís great your church is offering a group open to family and friends; there really is a need for understanding.

Bibiana, Fit4Life, I canít speak for your friends or others suffering from depression and/or fatigue (btw, Laurie, I had the fatigue and brain fog before the antidepressants, so itís not the medication :/), but what helps me is when my friends listen to me -if I want to talk about it- and remind me that I will get through it, that itís temporary. Sometimes I think that itís like being lost at sea; itís scary; itís exhausting to stay afloat; but when you can see land on the horizon it helps you gather strength to keep on swimming. And doing something fun or interesting with friends is always good, too.

Linda, I pray that things get better for you, too. Iíve got to say that coming back to Sparkpeople has really helped me the past two months. Itís been great having the support of the Spark community and itís also helped me focus on achieving small goals, and hope I can keep progressing onto bigger ones, one tiny goal at a time.

emoticon emoticon emoticon


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MOONCHILD8's Photo MOONCHILD8 Posts: 6,585
3/4/14 9:06 P

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I am sorry that you have been subjected to these comments. You know they care about you but do not understand the disease of depression. I too have fell on hard times and lost a job I loved and I am underemployed too! I have applied for SNAP and applied for fuel assistance. I currently receive SNAP but did not hear about the fuel assistance. I have a plan to make more money in a few months so I will not need this assistance for long. I have to see a doctor when depression keeps me from living a full life. I am talking to people and getting out of my house. I do not need medication now but have used medication before. If I become so depressed I can not function I will seek medical advice and get the medication again. No one can simply snap out of depression. As we do with overeating you need to have a plan to deal with the depression. The plan will become a habit and you will follow it because you will feel better. I pray for a better life for you. Linda from bean town emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Linda from bean town EST


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JOMAMA's Photo JOMAMA Posts: 9,347
3/4/14 6:21 P

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emoticon When I feel that people are being mean to me, I ignore what they are saying. I stopped trying to explain things to them because they will continue to think whatever they want to regardless of what I say.

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SYLPHINPROGRESS's Photo SYLPHINPROGRESS Posts: 13,328
3/4/14 9:32 A

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Bibiana, it sounds as though you're doing the best thing for your friend -- the listening and all.

Fit for Life, why not let your friend know that you miss the part of her that's out of sight? It's one of the ways to let her know you care. "I hate that you're feeling this way now. I miss the rest of your personality and will be happy when it re-emerges." In your own words to express your feelings, that is.

We all know that there's little to say that will change anything. We all know that it helps enough to know that someone cares and will stay with us through the bleakest times.

LAURIE, NYC
No one said it would be easy, but it can be easier.


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FIT4LIFEIN14's Photo FIT4LIFEIN14 Posts: 616
3/4/14 9:03 A

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I am sorry about the comments. Our depression affects those around us too and sometimes they may just get frustrated. They want us to feel better and really don't know what to say or do. What could they have said that would have made you feel better?

I have been on both sides of this issue, and sometimes I just don't know what to say that really helps. I want her to snap out of it...even though I know that is not possible. I want the person back that I know. Where is she? What can I do that will help her?

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JEANNIE0312's Photo JEANNIE0312 Posts: 1,883
3/4/14 8:29 A

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Sorry to hear that :(
Do what you can each day to better yourself &
before you know it, you'll be where you want to be!
We all fall down, the thing is to keep getting up!!

HUGS,
Jeannie

HEY YA'LL !!!!


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NANCYPAT1's Photo NANCYPAT1 Posts: 44,791
3/4/14 7:42 A

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Our church started a bi-polar and depression support group this past summer - it is the only one in a large radius and people are starting to attend - it is advertised and intentionally for FAMILIES AND FRIENDS as well as those who have these conditions - the idea is to HELP others understand better how they might be able to help.

With love and caring from Nancy ... wishing all of you a wonderful, blessed, and precious day.



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BIBIANAB SparkPoints: (10,519)
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3/4/14 6:06 A

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I have suffered from depression. So I know what it feels like. But I have a friend who is suffering NOW! And I don't know how to help her. It makes me feel bad, too, but I still don't know what to say to her. So, sometimes, I just don't say anything. Listen. Be there. That is all I can do. Nothing I say will help. Sometimes, I try to help her focus on something else. Get her mind off the depression, so to speak. Just a short break from it. I hope, anyway. I try.

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SYLPHINPROGRESS's Photo SYLPHINPROGRESS Posts: 13,328
3/3/14 11:18 P

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Asking for people who "understand" limits us to people who also have depression, it seems to me. Those who tell us to snap out of it are not good for us. People who don't quite understand because they don't share the experience are fine if they'll just believe us.

Some people with depression use the opportunities to try to educate the unknowing, either by telling them or perhaps giving them a copy of an article to read. Others walk away. Others still find a middle road that suits them. Do what works for you. And what works may change day by day, depending on your/our own moods and outlook. There's no one-size-fits all answer.

HEALTHY V, if 'brain fog' is a side effect of your depression meds, talk to the prescribing doctor. Some do that, but the fog should lift after x-y-z period of time. If it doesn't, a change may be in order.

LAURIE, NYC
No one said it would be easy, but it can be easier.


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NANCYPAT1's Photo NANCYPAT1 Posts: 44,791
3/3/14 10:24 P

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I have both suffered from depression and dealt with family members who do - the bottom line for ALL insensitive comments is that I take them and basically assume that the people making them are doing so out of ignorance and that like most casual comments - are not intended to be callous or insensitive but are basically well meaning but ignorant. Let them go - this is MUCH easier to SAY than to DO however. Sorry you are being subjected to them from someone who clearly cares about you but hasn't got a clue.

With love and caring from Nancy ... wishing all of you a wonderful, blessed, and precious day.



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NFLATTE's Photo NFLATTE SparkPoints: (187,416)
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3/3/14 10:24 P

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Although it can be upsetting, I tell myself that comments are usually a reflection of someone else's inability to empathize...It's their problem, but they're trying to make it your fault...

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DONNAEDA's Photo DONNAEDA SparkPoints: (99,148)
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3/3/14 10:23 P

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consider the source and try not to spend time with them. The less they see of you and you of them the healthier you will become. Seek out people who understand what you are going through. Eliminate negative people. Your brother and wife sounds negative

Donna
Brown Deer, WI
leader of Weight Watchers Support team - leader
http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_
individual.asp?gid=30504

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30504


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HEALTHY-V's Photo HEALTHY-V Posts: 186
3/3/14 10:21 P

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Nancy Jean, Sparklise, thank you for your loving and supportive comments. I'm under treatment for depression, but the exhaustion/brain fog is still an issue. I'm seeing a new doc this week; please keep me in your thoughts/prayers that it goes well and he can help. emoticon

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SPARKLISE's Photo SPARKLISE SparkPoints: (28,416)
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3/3/14 9:35 P

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People that never suffered from depression can't know what it's like.
If people could just "snap out of it" we would not need medication.
I hope you are getting the help you need and try to get through it with supportive people.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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COLOR-BLUE's Photo COLOR-BLUE SparkPoints: (76,365)
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3/3/14 9:26 P

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I'm so emoticon that you were put in that situation. When I first became disabled, my parents were very inconsiderate of what I was going through, and I was extremely upset and couldn't understand why they didn't understand. It wasn't until I had to live with them for about 3 months, before I got into a HUD apartment bldg. that they started to understand. I had to learn how to speak, read and write all over again. Mom didn't understand until I was trying to fill out the paper work for disability with Social Security. She saw my writing and my incoherent ramblings on the pages and she immediately wrote a supporting letter, as to her support of me, and explaining that her daughter wasn't there anymore, and that she didn't know where she had gone.

Things like that no longer bother me, as when people look at me and tell me that I don't look sick, I then do a brief explanation, which opens their eyes or not. Either way I consider the source and ask God to bless them, and I go about His business.

I pray that you bounce back from crude and hurting comments, directed your way.

Be blessed,

- Nancy Jean -
GA

Philippians 4:13
1 Corinthians 10:31
Our job is just to show up and do our best, leaving the outcome to GOD!!!

Eastern Time Zone


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HEALTHY-V's Photo HEALTHY-V Posts: 186
3/3/14 9:09 P

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Today I got very sad because of a conversation I had with my brother and his wife in which they basically told me to snap out of depression and that the exhaustion I've been feeling is all in my head and that maybe I'll get moving when I'm really starving (I was unemployed and I'm now underemployed and I'm already in a tough situation financially). I know that they love me and that they said it with all the good intention to help me, but it really hurt. I told them that I felt they didn't understand my situation and that they were not recognizing any of the efforts I've been making, but I still felt sad.

It's very frustrating when people say things like "snap out of it" and they have no idea what one is going through. Or the other thing, "just stop overeating" as if it hadn't occur to me that avoiding overeating would help me maintain my weight! I've been wondering today, too, if sometimes I do that to people without realizing it.

What do you do to not let those kinds of comments affect you?

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