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OCEANLUVR's Photo OCEANLUVR Posts: 911
11/13/12 5:03 A

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What a great topic and well responded to! I struggle with a hard to please hubby..my driving, cooking, cleaning..etc..always on me..yet he hardly ever steps up to help..stands back and makes comments. Most of my girlfriends say their husbands will do all the driving. My husband thinks I need the practice..with his co-pilot comments:(!!

Never trade what you want at the moment for what you WANT MOST!!!

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Pursue, until, something, happens!!


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LUCKYLIVEHAWAII's Photo LUCKYLIVEHAWAII Posts: 2
10/25/12 4:42 A

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Thank you so much for this valuable advice and support! I really appreciate it. emoticon It really helps to have alot of different perspectives on this issue.

Edited by: LUCKYLIVEHAWAII at: 10/25/2012 (04:43)
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BESTMEPOSSIBLE's Photo BESTMEPOSSIBLE Posts: 18,203
10/9/12 7:14 P

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I have read through the posts and think you have a wealth of info there. I have to say I am really lucky and have a husband who supports my healthy goals but loves me just as I am, and says so.

Were I in your shoes, I think I would talk about how much it hurts me, ask for him to find a way to support your goals rather than pick on your missteps and in return you won't let his missteps of nagging ON OCCASION to send you into emotional eating.



~Andi~

“Do not let your fire go out spark by irreplaceable spark... Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real…. It is possible…. It’s yours. “
Ayn Rand (Atlas Shrugged)

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MILLERISHEALTHY's Photo MILLERISHEALTHY Posts: 5,978
10/9/12 12:24 P

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NANCYPAT1 - I love your sister's comment about your MIL's behavior. :D

"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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NFLATTE's Photo NFLATTE SparkPoints: (192,136)
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10/9/12 7:46 A

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You have gotten some good advice...listen to it...

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NANCYPAT1's Photo NANCYPAT1 Posts: 45,944
10/9/12 1:10 A

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I had a mil about whom my sister used to say there was never anyone who tried harder to be NICE and FAIR and who went about it so that EVERYONE was hurt by it. She lived to be 88 and I loved her dearly, BUT her will was written in such a way that she would have severely hurt BOTH her sons by the wording - fortunately her sister persuaded her to change the wording so neither one was hurt.

In the original, she left my ex's share to him and my 2 sons divided equally, BUT left his brother's share entirely to HIM. Knowing both, my ex would have thought it was unfair that my boys got HIS money and his brother would have thought she was slighting HIS two children. Her rationale was that my ex was a "good son but a lousy father" so my sons would likely never get THEIR share if it was left up to him to give it to them. Her other son married someone she disapproved of BUT she felt that he was "A lousy son but a wonderful father" so he would always take care of his sons - but HE would have thought that she slighted his sons because they were bi-racial. In the end, she divided the estate 6 ways with each son and grandson getting a share.

With love and caring from Nancy ... wishing all of you a wonderful, blessed, and precious day.



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MILLERISHEALTHY's Photo MILLERISHEALTHY Posts: 5,978
10/9/12 12:45 A

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NANCYPAT1 You're right - I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he really doesn't know how much he's hurting her. Your suggestions were all fantastic and are exactly the best way to go about enlightening him. I hope so much that it works.

You're also right when you say that most people are nice - I try to ask myself, "Would this person actually intentionally try to hurt me?" when I'm faced with unkindness. Most of the time, the answer is no - people aren't intentionally trying to hurt.

But every once in a while you get a person like my MIL - she's always said things to me like, "Miller, you won't believe how big Donna has gotten - she's gained so much weight - she is huge! She's even bigger than YOU are!!!" The sad thing is, my MIL really and truly did not know that what she was saying was hurtful to me. She is uneducated and has no self-awareness at all. That's the only reason I've been able to overlook comments like that over the years - I realize that it's ignorance - plain and simple. Sad, but true.

"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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CARMADAB's Photo CARMADAB Posts: 256
10/8/12 11:59 P

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I completely understand the urge to eat due to the comments of a well-meaning person - especially in the one we want to understand us most - mostly our husbands. I lost 55 lb. because I was miserable and needed to get my health back. I was doing very well when my husband and someone else I trusted said some things that hurt regarding my weight. I stopped trying and even sabotaged my own efforts by regaining 30 lb. I finally realized when my father was diagnosed with heart ailments that my own health is steadily declining with all this extra weight. I need to change.

When you lose weight for yourself, you will have the willpower to do it. I know this. I am trying to re-learn how to practice it. You can too. The first step is to forgive his mistakes and lovingly help him see that you need to lose weight for yourself and second is to realize that the hot fudge sundae did absolutely no good and actually made everything worse.



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NANCYPAT1's Photo NANCYPAT1 Posts: 45,944
10/8/12 11:33 P

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I think you said a lot in just a few words. I agree that if the hubby is NOT willing to listen and learn how to REALLY help his wife and after learning that his words are hurting THEN he probably is a bully. For now, I prefer to think that he doesn't REALIZE how much he is hurting her. So often, people say things without ever realizing they are slashing and burning down the other person. A throw-away comment made in ten seconds can continue to damage another person 20 or even 50 years later. Most people, with a few exceptions are nice people who haven't a clue about how damaging their "jokes", flip comments, or snide remarks are.

With love and caring from Nancy ... wishing all of you a wonderful, blessed, and precious day.



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MILLERISHEALTHY's Photo MILLERISHEALTHY Posts: 5,978
10/8/12 11:22 P

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You have gotten some great advice. I wonder if your husband knows that when he says things about your weight that he's triggering your hurt and anger and drive to overeat? I wish he was on the Dr. Phil show and Dr. Phil could ask him, "How's that working for you?" His negative comments are obviously not getting him the results he wants so he should be smart enough to realize that. If he's not, then maybe you can enlighten him. What he's doing is not working for either of you, so he should try uplifting you and giving you positive reinforcement instead.

I've just got to ask, is your husband overweight? The reason I wonder is because invariably, when I used to watch Dr. Phil and he would have a couple on the show who sounded like you and your husband, the husband was always overweight too - but somehow he couldn't see his own faults. Sometimes Dr. Phil would actually say, "Have you looked in a mirror at yourself?"

It just seems to me that if your husband loves you and wants to motivate you to be healthier, he would do it in a positive way. Otherwise, he just sounds like a bully.

"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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OOLALA53's Photo OOLALA53 Posts: 8,347
10/8/12 7:39 P

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You've gotten some great advice about communicating with your husband. I'd like to talk about your believing that your husband's complaints or comments can MAKE you go eat. This is not being honest with yourself. No one and no thing can make us eat, unless someone literally has a gun to our heads. Even then, we could actually choose to die rather than eat. (I don't recommend that, but I'm just trying to make a point.)

We are NOT helpless against our urges to eat. Upsetting things can make us WANT to eat, sometimes very badly, but that is just a very strong habit reinforced by brain patterns. When you really get that what "makes" us eat is actually bringing the food to our mouths, chewing it and swallowing it, it can be an astounding discovery. It doesn't mean we will always choose not to eat when we thing we shouldn't, but it is the beginning of power. The first few times you don't eat when you have a powerful urge to eat, it can seem almost as if you are in a dream, but it can become the norm.

You CAN learn to separate your problems from eating. I know that may sound impossible now, but it is absolutely true. It will not likely happen in a few weeks or even months, though. It is usually true that you have to think about it a long time before you actually start being able to do it with any regularity. Be patient with yourself and be joyful about ANY time you can do this. That's the way you build your strength.

I will say that I think you and your husband should make some agreements about certain areas of your lives in which neither one of you is allowed to make any negative comments. Are there some areas that are actually none of your business in regard to your husband that you say things? If it doesn't actually affect you, it is his business. What you eat and what you weigh is your business, and best kept to yourself anyway until you sort it out yourself, unless your husband will cooperate with being supportive. You may not even know at this point how you want him to be supportive. That is part of what you can figure out as time goes on.

I gently suggest your husband can comment on how nice he thinks you look or ask you if you are enjoying your meal or the like, but everything else is off limits until you say so. Yes, you absolutely do have the right to ask for this. And he has the right to ask similar limits from you regarding anything that does not directly affect you or your physical or emotional marriage.

Remember that you can disapprove of things about your husband while still loving him, and he the same. And you can also be strong and respectful of yourself even when he disapproves of you. In fact, his disapproval is usually a sign of his own fears and vulnerabilites. The less you disapprove of yourself and face your own fears, the less his disapproval will seem important, and you will be able to hear his thoughts without being so threatened. You will grow in compassion for yourself and him at the same time.

I don't have this down by any measure (though I don't eat out of upset nearly as often as I used to), but I know when I've been able to use these principles in examining problems, they've gone better.

*"The goal of weight loss is incompatible with recovering from disordered eating." Center for Clinical Interventions
*The No S Diet saved my emotional life! Four years and counting. nosdiet.com/ *Be happy with this moment. This moment is your life.
*Get to the next meal hungry!
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WINNIE-POOH's Photo WINNIE-POOH SparkPoints: (80,965)
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10/8/12 7:07 P

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emoticon DO IT FOR YOU. emoticon

NANCYPAT1's Photo NANCYPAT1 Posts: 45,944
10/8/12 5:06 P

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I agree with the others who suggest talking with your hubby about your feelings. Now, having said that, there are a couple of things that might help to make certain he actually HEARS and responds the way you want him to.

1. DO NOT talk to him while you are upset and likely to sound nagging, critical, and whiny. Find a calm time (our grandmothers and mothers were great at doing this after they prepared a special FAVORITE meal) when you are both relaxed and do NOT say - "honey we have to talk" - that raises a red flag.

2. Write your feelings out and make sure you change any statements that sound accusatory to I or ME statements - I feel hurt when you say, NOT : YOU MAKE ME FEEL. When you say, I think you don't love me any more. NOT: WHY YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANY MORE?

3. Read over your written words and make your changes and then wait a little while before you share it with your hubby. When you are sure you are ready to share it, give it to hubby and ask him to think about it and answer you (either in writing OR verbally without you interrupting or arguing or challenging anything he says) You may have to tell him that you will not say anything until he is done. You might have to ask him to pick a convenient time when he is willing to talk about it - Monday night football is NOT a great time when your hubby is a super football fan. Remember this has to be something you are BOTH able to talk about calmly.

4. LISTEN to him and if necessary, ask him to clarify or offer to clarify if it seems as though he does really UNDERSTAND what you said/wrote. Repeat what YOU hear and what you really meant. Phrases like, I hear you saying, let me get this clear you think you are helping me out when you say that, etc. can help you here.

5. TELL HIM WHAT ONE THING YOU WOULD LIKE HIM TO DO - AND ONE THING YOU WILL DO IN RETURN FOR HIM - I would like you to comment when you see me make a HEALTHY CHOICE instead of when you see me choosing something unhealthy - that way I will feel and think that you are CARING ABOUT ME and NOT that you are criticizing me. In return, I will not nag you about putting your socks in the hamper (or whatever).

This may seem weird at first, but it can really work well. I use it in my job and at home both. This works because it doesn't feel like an attack. It also doesn't feel quite like nagging or whining. It maintains dignity for both you and hubby and if you BOTH listen and HEAR each other, even if you don't get the PERFECT result, you might at least see progress.

With love and caring from Nancy ... wishing all of you a wonderful, blessed, and precious day.



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LAINYC's Photo LAINYC Posts: 7,331
10/8/12 4:19 P

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We are in control of our own eating;not someone or something else. Read some of the good article on this site and see if you can overcome this emotional eating. emoticon

LWDSSPRUCE's Photo LWDSSPRUCE Posts: 925
10/8/12 2:12 P

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emoticon You're not alone. My Husband can say hurtful things or mean things and that makes me seek relief and not always in the healthiest ways. (usually chocolate) I've talked to him and he tries and for a while it may be great but he falls back into grumbling and eventually I get the brunt of it again. It's happened over and over and I've thought of leaving him. But the situation is much more complicated then that and that isn't an option right now. I'm okay with that. I try not to take it personal, mostly that works but if it doesn't I don't beat myself up over a piece of chocolate or a few cookies. I'm able to stop at a few if I'm kind to myself. Try to be your own best friend and see what you'd tell yourself and regardless of what 'he' says - Be kind to yourself! emoticon emoticon

DEBBIEANNE1124's Photo DEBBIEANNE1124 SparkPoints: (97,805)
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10/8/12 1:12 P

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Get a hobby where you use your hands and talk to your husband ask him to be aptient with you. Invite him to get a gym membership with you to work on it. If all else fails divorce him and find peace of mind.



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CLASSYLADYMAY's Photo CLASSYLADYMAY Posts: 6,757
10/8/12 9:21 A

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you have to comunicate how you feel to him.. some dont understand how it affects you.. have a good talk.. and tell him what you need from him!!! i hope it helps..

loving myself as i am beautiful inside and out!!! Think positive .. you can do it!!!..... i do care.��Life is not easy for any of us, but what of that? We must have perseverance and, above all, confidence in ourselves.� � Don't give up we all can do this!!
Lost 110 pounds so far! i am loving it!
I am now exercising 50 mins a day working up to 60 ! Keeping active is so important!
classylady~Geri


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CAMAEL100's Photo CAMAEL100 SparkPoints: (27,996)
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10/8/12 8:15 A

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It is bad enough struggling with weight and food issues without someone close to you naking you feel bad about it. Try gently explaining to him how much it upsets you. Some people who have no issue with food cannot understand the difficulties we have. To them it is just a matter of cutting back.

If this does not work, then the only thing you have the power to change is your reaction to his comments. Try going for a walk which is a good stress buster instead of heading for food which ultimately only makes you feel worse. You deserve better than that. Also come on here and vent when it happens. You will find lots of support and people who understand and it is better than trying to make yourself feel better with food.

emoticon

Margaret

Never give up, never quit, never surrender

You only fail when you stop trying

There is nothing to hold you back except you.

You can press forward long after you can’t. It’s a matter of wanting it bad enough.

The bad news is: we are our own worst enemies. The good news is: we are our own greatest champions.


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SKEETOR's Photo SKEETOR Posts: 1,612
10/8/12 7:37 A

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It's tough but you have to realize that the hot fudge sundae is just going to make it worse. You're punishing yourself and you shouldn't be. Instead work on fixing the problem.
Maybe you could take out some frustration walking around? Is he making you mad or does it hurt you. If it hurts you, try calling a friend or if you have a pet, they're great for comfort. It's hard to say since I don't know you...everyone is different.
Just try to calmly think about it, analyze it and see what emotion you're actually feeling and then workout a plan to combat that emotional trigger and come up with some other activity that will help you cope. emoticon
emoticon

Edited by: SKEETOR at: 10/8/2012 (07:37)
Si vales, valeo.


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CANBDONE's Photo CANBDONE Posts: 5,274
10/8/12 7:23 A

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We have to learn to be our own food police...when someone else tries to do it, it only makes us mad. Of course, the most obvious answer is to lose the weight and then he'll have to find something else to complain about. You could try gently explaining to him how his comments make you feel. Perhaps he's unaware of how badly he's hurting you. I hope this doesn't sound like I don't care...but as a widow of three years, I would love to hear the sound of my sweet husband's voice once again. Stay strong, Girl...you can DO this! emoticon

Temptation is not a sin, it's a call to battle! Terri from Georgia
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"Never give up! Never give up! Never, never, never give up!" Winston
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"I am the boss of this body! "(Alice_BlueEyes)

"The only one who can defeat me is me. And I know I can take her!"
(KEAKMAN)

"No give ups....just get ups!" (ME)



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LUCKYLIVEHAWAII's Photo LUCKYLIVEHAWAII Posts: 2
10/8/12 7:00 A

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What can you do when your husband makes comments and brings up your weight causing you to head to the nearest fast food restaurant for a hot fudge sundae? emoticon

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