I have been around the block with teenage issues! I survived, by the grace of God! I have learned that I had to learn to let them lead their own lives,even when I have misgivings, I still have to let them live, and I fight the battle on my knees, covering them with prayer. It's the only way!
"For I know the plans I have for you" says the LORD" plans to give you hope and a future." JER.29:11
Yes, of course. But then again, its not "the past," as both of my parents continue to play thier manipulative, conditional games. This past holiday season was a living nightmare. BUT - my sister (recovered bulimic) and I have simply stopped letting them affect US, our weight, our happiness or our lives.
It sounds like you are doing the same thing, BABELALALA, in the boundaries you have drawn.
I guess that is really my message here. Without taking right or wrong sides, without saying anyone is a bad parent or a bad kid (because I'm not saying that at all), I just wanted to say that we're all on our own journey here and we let other people have way too much power over us. I was actually replying to the original poster, who I wish peace to. And I just wanted to say that sometimes bad kids turn out pretty darn good. Even my mother would have to grudgingly agree!
Start 223 / Goal 150
The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.
i have supported my daughter so much, but i refuse to be abused by her anymore, when it comes to threatening to kill me when i dont want to put up with her screaming at the dinner table, its time to put the foot down and say no more. I am there for her and she knows it, i am just waiting for her to come, but no matter how many times i go after her, the more she pulls away. Does she feel any different than you do about your parents, no not really, but no amount of me going after her will help, so i have to sit here and wait for her to come to me. Have you ever tried going to them and just giving them a hug and say i love you. Sometimes, we have to put the past where it belongs, we ALL made mistakes, we ALL did the best we could, sometimes it takes a strong person to make the first move. I did, i said no more abuse, when you can treat me with love and respect you can come back and i'll be here for you.
I have to say something as I was formerly one of those daughters that drove her parents crazy
In a nutshell, my parents are good traditional right wing conservative christians; and I was always very free thinking, creative, outragous pagan/liberally oriented. Neither is right or wrong, IMHO, but we made each other insane during my teen years. I questioned *EVERYTHING* and had to try it all for myself. Their response was to ground me, punish me, threaten me, abuse me (verbally, mostly) and neglect me -- and when that didn't have the desired effect, send me away, disown me, send me to therapists and so on. I was a huge disappointment to them.
I've spent most of my lifetime in therapy coming to terms with my relationship with them and quite frankly, most people who know the whole story wonder why I try so hard to maintain a relationship. But, the truth is - I was going to experience things my own way, no matter what. I could have had supportive, unconditionally loving, non-judgemental parents ... who knows where I'd be today... but its the luck of the draw. DESPITE them, I went to college (paid my own way), started my own business, have been published in books and magazines, on television and radio and have done quite well for myself. I live a good life, don't break the law and brush my teeth twice a day. They should be proud.
Now, when I'm in the newspaper or on TV, they proudly want to claim their relationship to me NOW - and I'm a little prickly about it sometimes. Mostly because they never gave me the benefit of the doubt, never supported me and more importantly, never considered that this might be the outcome. Nope, I was heading to jail, going to die of a drug overdose, gonna catch a disease, or going to end up in a gutter. Oh woe woe woe is them for being cursed with such a daughter.
This might not even be you at all - so please don't take it personally. But at least trust that you did the best you could as a parent, as did mine (who knows the crap THEY grew up with!). Its hard to let go and let kids grow up to be big people, especially if they aren't exactly what we ordered.
By the way - my parents ARE good Christian people. Honest, hard working, employed, cultured... but sometimes when you're desperate to control something you can't, it makes you do nutty things. I'm not particularly cozy with them now because frankly, we're still from different planets, but we're not estranged. They're the only ones I've got, after all.
Edited by: COUNTRYMOUSE at: 1/13/2007 (14:44)
Start 223 / Goal 150
The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.
yes letting go is so hard, but it is the best for them, its just painful for us, i am sitting here waiting for the day that she comes back to me, and we can become mother and daughter again. But the way things are now, for myself i cannot let her into my life. She has threatened to kill me on numberous occassions and i had to close the door to that and say no more.,
Daughters can definately give mamas all kinds of stress. we love them but dont always like them. dont be an enabler- that was my issue- i helped my daughter out every chance i got until i finally got wise that she would never learn as long as i took care of her. she is 30 and just now starting to get her life together. i literally had to move away to stop myself from rescuing her. it was hard but worth it because it made her have to learn and has improved her self esteem so much. and made me a better person- it was very stressful at first but then the joy replaced the stress and we both know it was the right decision for both of us. we never goet off the phone without "i love you" being said.
GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND MOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you want to hear about daughter problems, this computer is not big enough to tell you about my 20 year old daughter. however i have learned to let her go, she is making her story, cause everyone in life has a story. i have learned to take care of myself and to heal myself, and through me healing she will heal. it is hard to watch her, there are so many times i want to con her into coming here so that i can help her, guide her, so that she goes back on the right path, but you know what, they dont listen, and the more we try to HELP them, the more they resist, they are creating their story, their experience. The only thing we can do is do "our work" and hope for the best of them. it is not easy to sit here and watch they and do all that what if thinking. It hurts, and we are up lots of evenings not sleeping, but really the best thing is to stop worrying (thats means letting go) and work on ourselves, and be there when they do come home. let them experience, let them learn for themselves, we have have to learn live lessons, and your girl or boy is learning their, its part of lives process. Look at it this way, it they did everything we wanted them to do, or did everything the "right" way, they would not be themselves, they will never learn who they really are and they will never mature and become aware of live. Andrea
I know where your at with girls. My daughter, who normally has a good head on her shoulders decided to quit a 4 yr. college, move in with her fiancee, switch to a community college, get married 4 yrs. earlier than planned. Now they are struggling and my husband is very upset, but we know there is nothing we can do about it. They are adults, and the only thing we can do is help out a little and let them learn on their own how how life truly is without mom and dad paying the bills. It will be alright. Hang in there and know you can contact me anytime to blow off steam. Big hug LIsa
Each of us has the opportunity to change and grow until our very last breath. Happy creating. --M.J. Ryan
You may delay but time will not Ben Franklin
we've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it.-John Lenn
hey people.. just joined sparkpeople.. i want to tell you about myself.. im married..i work part time.. and i have two daughters..one is married. shes 21 the other is 19 moved out in August..She is the main reason for my stress...She was always a popular girl in highschool..was very athletic..she loved her sports.. played varsity basketball tennis softball since she was a freshman...was an honor roll studed.. until her last year in highschool... She met up with a girl... and her life completely changed...she just barely graduated from high school... she moved out in August..which we were very happy... she told us she wanted to go to collage... she had a chance to play basketball.. but then she got back with this girl she was hanging out with when she was a senoir in highschool...and thats when she quit collage...shes not playing any type of sports.... she works less then 15 hours a week...and who knows what else she does...i have my good days with my diet and work outs.. but when anything comes up with my daughter... i get off it....i am trying hard with not to over eat.. and i think joining this has helped... cuz i want to report weight loss not gaining weight.. which i have done.. i was 237 now im 234..im going to see if this helps.. just writing to different people who is also sharing stress....well... ill write soon again...take care everyone...
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