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LIVING_NATURAL's Photo LIVING_NATURAL Posts: 3,857
9/7/08 12:17 P

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So true, Emma! If they start getting interested in other women with my body type, that's a little more disconcerting, but luckily my partner prefers the typically attractive woman. But loves my body just as it is, also.

I think my jealousy comes from not worrying that he's going to fool around, but there's something about wanting to be the most attractive, most interesting, etc woman to him.

I was taught by a man years ago that his wanting to look at other women stemmed from his love of beauty in me...and more that I just can't articulate here. I lost my jealousy after this and we'd point out attractive women to each other.

Then my insecurities came back after relationships with men who would continually flirt with other woman and talk about how beautiful they were, while ignoring me. Fortunately I was able to see them for what they were and moved on to a more respectful and conscious relationship.

Thanks for bringing this subject up. It's nice to talk with all of you about it and get your perspectives while letting out our insecurities in a safe place.

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Lynn

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I never met a wise old woman who needed plastic surgery to look beautiful.
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EMMASMART's Photo EMMASMART SparkPoints: (23,811)
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9/7/08 9:04 A

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I have been known to "help hubby look" You know.. Hey did you get a load of that one! If you were married to a former model like I am you just have to get over the insecurity right away. You know what worries me... When he starts looking at other chubby ladies. That gets me in a sweat! He might say.. She's almost as pretty as you.. Then I worry.

Emma




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KATRINAWOZICH's Photo KATRINAWOZICH Posts: 550
9/7/08 8:26 A

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my husband and I check out people when we are together. we know we love each other and would never cheat on each other. I think because we feel secure in that love we can feel safe sharing seeing a hot looking body every now and then. It's just a body after all. It's the personality, mind, and soul of you that he loves and wants to be with for the rest of his life.
ofcourse you have the right to feel insecure. just take it one step at a time.

Katrina :)

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AMANDA1179's Photo AMANDA1179 Posts: 1,829
9/5/08 9:57 P

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Hey Fab! No quitting, not allowed!!! I catch my husband doing the same, it tends to be a male thing. You just keep on with your program and once you start seeing changes you won't stop. I'm sure you're gorgeous the way you are, but we're all in the same boat all we see is fat. Realize you are worth it! emoticon

“What a man accomplishes in a day depends upon the way in which he approaches his tasks.”





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EMMASMART's Photo EMMASMART SparkPoints: (23,811)
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9/5/08 8:13 P

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You have to have a sparkpage set up so people can give you goodies. If you want to see some examples. Check out my page.. I've got lots.

Emma




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LIVING_NATURAL's Photo LIVING_NATURAL Posts: 3,857
9/5/08 6:10 P

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I tried to send you a sparkgoodie, but you're not set up for it yet. So here is the closest thing I can do for now...
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Lynn

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I never met a wise old woman who needed plastic surgery to look beautiful.
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JELLOBELLY Posts: 422
9/5/08 6:05 P

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Like the way you put that web lady!

Maureen


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LIVING_NATURAL's Photo LIVING_NATURAL Posts: 3,857
9/5/08 5:58 P

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PS,

No, you're not the only one. I used to be the one the guys would look at. Now I'm the woman who gets jealous of my man when he acts that way (which is rare, fortunately). It hurts. I will never have the firm body they have. I will, however, have a beautiful body of my own. With all my flaws and perfections that they can never have.

Lynn

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I never met a wise old woman who needed plastic surgery to look beautiful.
- LZ
LIVING_NATURAL's Photo LIVING_NATURAL Posts: 3,857
9/5/08 5:56 P

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It is wrong of your husband to obviously look at other women when he's with you. My male friends and I have had discussions about this. They agree. They are men and they will look, but if they have any class, they will be discreet about it.

But please, please don't let this deter you from making yourself healthier. If you do it for him or any other outside influence, it will be harder to stick to because outside influences will always disappoint you in some way. Then, as emotional eaters, we will go off our healthy way.

Stay healthy for you. And you alone. Love yourself. we love you, so you must be lovable.

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Lynn

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I never met a wise old woman who needed plastic surgery to look beautiful.
- LZ
MARTY19's Photo MARTY19 Posts: 53,177
9/4/08 6:48 P

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Everyone looks. You insecurities are setting you up. Have you ever had a reason to doubt him? Don't start now.
You're making lifestyle changes which take time. Focus on the positives you have already accomplished and release all the negative vibes.
Marty

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There are two options regarding committment - your either IN or your OUT. There is no such thing as life in-between.

A person who wants something will find a way..
A person who doesn't will find an excuse...



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9/4/08 6:47 P

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I suggest you don't wait on the sexy thing. Sexy comes from the head so think about being sexy and you will. My husband responds to this very well. He gets affectionate when I think I am sexy.. It feeds on itself. It's another version of "I think therefore I am"

Emma




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GRANDMAAMIE's Photo GRANDMAAMIE Posts: 44,047
9/4/08 3:35 P

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HANG IN THERE YOU CAN DO THIS
SENDING YOU A HUG

AMIE emoticon

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{¸.•´+*+AMIE+*+*+{¸ ;.• .•*¨}.•* .**+* SORRY ABOUT CAPS NOT YELLING VERY POOR EYE SIGHT DIABETIC +++++ HUGGS

Stop living life for what's around the corner and start enjoying the walk down the street.
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NEVER LOOK DOWN AT ANYONE UNLESS YOUR HELPING THEM UP!
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BELLACUDDLES's Photo BELLACUDDLES Posts: 21,369
9/4/08 2:13 P

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Hi--please feel my hug right now! I am sure you are no alone in this--try your very best--one day (even an hour for me sometimes) to do your best--take it slowly--forget all about the past mistakes--gone--forgotten--focus on a new HEALTHY YOU--YOU are SOOOOOOOO WORTH IT!!!!!!!! emoticon

Barbara .....that's what my friends call me! Never cared for the name Barb.

Make it a blessed and healthy day! IT IS YOUR CHOICE!

Remember how special you are and how you are soooooo worth it to be healthy and fit!!

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the assurance of things unseen. Hebrews 11:1

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TRAVELINGARTGAL's Photo TRAVELINGARTGAL Posts: 746
9/4/08 12:57 P

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Well, i am not married and to be honest, i don't date so i can't personally understand what you are going through. However i do agree that ALL men look...and i don't think marriage makes any difference. The one difference though is that i don't think men "think" about how their looking may effect their wife/girlfriend... I don't date because i don't want similar things to happen to me, i am a very insecure person, and i would probably be having the same feelings you are having if i was you. Don't be hard on yourself, life happens,kids happen, people gain weight... If he says he loves you for who you are, believe him, and don't beat yourself up. Remember that everyone checks out the other sex, it is human nature, and honestly guys just seem to make it an art form, so hang in here!! Talk to him about how you feel, just DON'T push your emotions down with food!! You can get through this, hang in there!! emoticon

"Twenty Years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sail. Explore. Dream. Discover.
-Mark Twain





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LINDA!'s Photo LINDA! Posts: 87,424
9/4/08 12:36 P

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I agree with so many of the others. Your DH loves you for who you are. None of us are going to look the way we did when we were younger and as we get a little older it is difficult to keep the weight down. But let him look at someone else, as long as he goes home to you everynight that is what matters. I am sure he loves YOU!

Edited by: LINDA! at: 9/4/2008 (12:34)
Linda - Florida

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MZLISA1's Photo MZLISA1 Posts: 1,526
9/4/08 12:34 P

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Fab,
Please dont quit. Keep your head up. emoticon

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FABRAN05's Photo FABRAN05 Posts: 251
9/4/08 12:33 P

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You guys are right. Thanks for the replies. I know us men and women are wired differently because honestly unless the guy is knock out gorgeous i never check out a guy. I'm serious, but i have to admit as i was feeling sorry for myself i realized i am a procrastinator because at least once a week or so my neighbor, who is hot! Young, stud, looking guy,i mean the whole bag of chips, he jogs the neighborhood without his shirt on and i totally almost break my neck looking! Now why does he do that to us middle aged women! He jogs with his dog, well, my husband gets jealous everytime we drive by and he catchs me looking. LOL It is so instinctive and i dont mean to do it.LOL
I forget that both of us are going to look but that he tends to just do more of it.
Your also right about how some women choose to dress. I myself have to do a double take sometimes because i cant believe a woman would walk out of the house with what they are wearing. So, if i was a man, boy, i would be thinking the total opposite. I do love my husband a lot and yes, there's not as much hair on his head as there use to be but he is still MY stud!



Fab

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SPARKLINJEWELLS's Photo SPARKLINJEWELLS SparkPoints: (0)
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9/4/08 12:25 P

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i am by no means anything of a relationship expert......sheesh, i fail at them very well!!!

i agree tho- sometimes i'm checking out the women- cuz some are just drop-dead gorgeous......i often do wonder how different my life would have been if i'd always had that "asset"-- i think what i admire more tho is the self-confidence that seems to go with it, and that's what i'm striving for-- that's what i think i miss the most

just cuz hubby looked- doesn't mean he doesn't love you

i do think we need to get better at loving ourselves.....if we can't love and respect ourselves, is it really possible for someone else to?

best of luck to you- i think as you start taking care of yourself, you're going to feel a lot better about everything
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FORGET WILLPOWER.

"Losing weight is not about willpower--it's about moments of bravado, like the moment when you ask your waiter to take the bread away from the table right away." ~~Jillian Michaels


~~we don't see things as they are, we see things as we are-- anais nin




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SASSY_QUEEN's Photo SASSY_QUEEN Posts: 10,621
9/4/08 12:14 P

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Did I hear someone say they wanted to quit....well let me tell you something....I ain't doin this alone...so I am not allowing anyone to quit...nope...not an option...I will drag you with me kicking and screaming........but I won't let you quit. Truth is....I need you as much as you need me. We are in this together...and we can do this...we are doin this..one day at a time.

One day at a time......in my red high heels, and my crown!

I am so done bein the fat girl...how bout you?

It's no longer a diet. I am calling it my live-it.

"The most wasted day of all is that during which we have not laughed.-SP quote

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Have a Sparktacular day! Sparkpeople.com Changing the face of the world one day at a time, one step at a time, one bite at a time!


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LINDAPFLUG's Photo LINDAPFLUG Posts: 1,125
9/4/08 12:02 P

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Very well said Lindamc! I am a small boned, short person who weighed 98lbs. when I got pregnant - all three times! It seemed like 98 was my bodies desired weight - well you can see from my photo I am far from 98lbs now....but when I look back at old photos, I shudder when I see how every bone in my body showed - and I still had a "soft baby stomach" at that weight! I am working hard to lose some weight, and I am working hard to firm up my muscles, but you know what is the best thing right now? I feel good! I am eating healthier and I have a healthier understanding about weight and beauty. I am healthier inside and that means a lot...

 
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LINDALMC's Photo LINDALMC Posts: 1,351
9/4/08 11:21 A

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FAB -
Men look so do we. He call look all he wants, just don't touch! He loves YOU and he should support you all the way - If you really want to lose, you will.
Start by researching what you are eating, read labels, change some of your recipes to lower calorie - Maybe go for walks with hubby. TELL him how you feel when you are low. I have driven myself crazy over wanting the perfect body - We're all different and our bodies respond differently to toning and exercising. Do what you can to be happy with yourself - this is not for anyone else. I have a flabby baby belly too. For me I have been working on this belly for months now and still I can grab a whole bunch of moosh - BUT I'm not giving up - I read that if you continue to exercise and tone slowly the skin will retract and the muscle will take over - it may not look model perfect but don't think it's totally unachievable - it can happen to a degree that you are pleased with. Go for it! emoticon

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9/4/08 11:16 A

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Hey girl! You know, he didn't marry you for looks alone or else you wouldn't have been married for 13 years. He loves you, dear. Remind him of why he married you. Do special things for him and it may help you regain some confidence in that area. My husband and I have been married 13 yrs as well. He is going back to school to finish his ministry degree. I stress sometimes over the cute little 18 yr olds he is in class with. But, I give it over to God and He takes care of it for me and gives me the assurance I need to make it. You are a beautiful woman. Don't even get me started on guys and their wandering eyes!! lol Hang in there and I will pray for you to be encouraged.
~~Amy emoticon

"A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”


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CRIT524's Photo CRIT524 Posts: 7,786
9/4/08 11:14 A

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This reminds me of a time (married 13 yrs also) that we were driving down the street together. There was a totally not my type but totally gorgeous man (italian, midlength curly hair, hmm) waiting to cross. He did so while we sat at a red and I fouond my husband looking at me funny. I actually hmmm'd out loud!!! I wasnt thinking that I didnt love my hubby...honestly I wasnt thinking at all. He was just all that and inspired a reaction, trust me no thoughts or feelings involved there. LOL

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FLYINGTOFREEDOM's Photo FLYINGTOFREEDOM SparkPoints: (70,870)
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9/4/08 11:14 A

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me and my dh have been together for almost 11 years.
I was 150lbs and size 12 when Imet him. I was at my heaviest before giving birth in feb. 259 and squeezing into size 22. I am down to 219 and size 20 but I'm still big. Anyway, he checks out girls all the time. I guess I've just gotten used to it. I think it is funny really. he is with you. he loves you. heck sometimes, I check out the women too. Some women are just gorgeous. And he told me that if I'm chekcing them out or if I point them out he feels comfortable looking. and he does try to hide it, but at this point, the way I figure it, if he is going to leave me he is going to leave me. it won't be about someone skinnier or better looking or whatever, it will be about something else. Love yourself and love your husband and if he checks someone out, then so be it. You have to do this lifestyle change for yourself and

1 bite at a time = 1 choice at a time.
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JENNALYNN0505's Photo JENNALYNN0505 Posts: 388
9/4/08 11:14 A

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I can't say I have a similar problem. My fiance and I both gained weight when we started dating each other. But I do know about the insecurity issue, which I faced for the first time in my life after he confessed to me that at one point in our relationship he thought he could do better than me. He was kind of a playboy when we met and had been with HUNDREDS of women, many of whom were better looking than me. I was crushed! I still kind of am...
I mean he admitted that at one point in the relationship he felt like he was "dating down" in terms of attractiveness. It totally crushed my ego and made me very self-conscious and I definitely coped by overeating.

It took me off track and I gained back the 10 pounds I had lost through the spring. I won't blame it completely on that comment because there were other stressors in my life at that point, but it didn't help!

I'm just now starting to get back on track and although my self-confidence is still very low I just have to take a deep breath and remind myself that if I just focus on my goals of being healthy again that I will be healthy again and I'll get that 10 pound weight loss back which I squabbled away after his comment. And granted, being 10 pounds lighter isn't going to make me a supermodel...but it's going to help me feel better about getting into my jeans everyday and not feeling like they're digging so far into my stomach that I could puke! And the next 10 pounds will mean it's time to buy some new clothes. And same with the next 10 pounds, and the next! I guess that's how I've put it into perspective-I'm not ever going to be as attractive or thin as the women he oogles over, but that's not my goal. My goal is to take it one day at a time and feel better about myself for me, not to compare to his past sexual conquests or the hottest woman in the room that he's drooling over!

Perhaps this line of thinking will help you.







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PHOEBEJANE's Photo PHOEBEJANE SparkPoints: (20,650)
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9/4/08 11:11 A

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Quitting won't help. And don't compare yourself to someone else. You're perfect the way you are! Your husband loves you.

My husband looks at other women. I tell him he can look as long as he doesn't touch. Some women dress for attention, some are so confident in the way they carry themselves that people, women as well as men, are drawn to look.

Don't give up!! Don't be jealous! Don't be angry! You are beautiful and EVERYTHING your husband needs and wants in a woman.



He must increase, but I must decrease. John 3:30


Is not what I shall be capable of tomorrow contained in what I am today? Paul Tournier


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FABRAN05's Photo FABRAN05 Posts: 251
9/4/08 11:08 A

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Thanks for replying. I dont know why but when i feel bad about myself the first thing i reach for is food. I think i could be a poster child for emotional eating. I have always had an issue with how people perceive me. The reason why i gained all the weight is because i didnt care what others thought about me. But that kind of back fired because in the process i didnt care about myself. Now, i am so kicking myself in the butt for not getting motivated. You know its easier to stay in misery than trudge your way out of it and live well. That is so backwards but I know i am not the only one who has done this.
Well, thanks for listening.

Fab

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RUNNER4LIFE08's Photo RUNNER4LIFE08 Posts: 4,740
9/4/08 11:06 A

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I hear ya . . . I have been pondering this same topic in my head. My hubby is very thin and even lost 20 pounds over the summer (he really didn't need to lose anything). I used to be smaller when we were dating and first married. He tells me the same thing that I look beautiful no matter what but deep down, it is not enough. I have caught him checking out other women. He does it very discreetly but I still notice. It makes me feel horrible!

That is why it is part of my goals . . . to be sexy again. I want to look good for my hubby (and myself) so that he will only want to look at me. And then I will be the one turning heads.

Just keep your chin up and keep on going with losing the weight. Do it for yourself to look and feel better. Have confidence in yourself and know you can do it.

*´¨)
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CHAR_MARIE's Photo CHAR_MARIE SparkPoints: (5,144)
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9/4/08 11:04 A

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Hey
You have stewed for a week. Now do something for yourself. Start today...right now. Think of some healthy things you can do..today. Start out with just one. Then tomorrow..work on something else. Remember that you are important. You are special. I love looking at the healthy recipes here, and getting excited about trying them.
If you can, go for a walk. But whatever you find to do, when you do it, remind yourself how special and important you really are.

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COWGILLE's Photo COWGILLE Posts: 3,095
9/4/08 11:03 A

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Hi Fab,
I think every male, married or not, checks out other women. It's just built into them to do that! That doesn't make it right, or make us wives feel any better, it's just the way it is.

Do not let this sabotage what you are doing! You are on this journey for your sake - for your health and to feel better about yourself. Review your short-term goals and concentrate on them. Remember why you started this journey. Remember that your husband does love you and forget this incident and move forward!

You can do this - I know it! This team is behind you 150%


Blessings,
Edwina
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Co Leader of Emotional Eaters Team

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil. 4:13

Refuse defeat. Be determined!

There will never be a defeat when determination reigns.


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SHERRYMC1966's Photo SHERRYMC1966 Posts: 407
9/4/08 11:02 A

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Fab,
Yup, you need to let it go. 13 years ~ he loves you. Men look, so do women. I know how it feels to be insecure because of the weigh. Don't compare yourself to other women~ just try to be the best that you can be, even at a size 22. Do it for yourself. You can do it! emoticon
Soon you'll be the 'hot mama' the other men are checking out!

Scooby Doo is my hero!!


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DUBELIEVE's Photo DUBELIEVE Posts: 153
9/4/08 11:01 A

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No, you are not alone. I have the same problem, excempt mine tells me that he doesn't desire me anymore. I don't know if it's my weight issue or what. We've been seperated for a while now. I'm thinking that if he doesn't love me for who I am, then I don't want to be with him. So, if your husband loves you for who you are, then take him for what he says. If you want to change, make sure it's for you, and not him.

Stephanie Pierce


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SUZECAVON's Photo SUZECAVON Posts: 440
9/4/08 11:00 A

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I can relate, Fab. I also had twins and, you're right, the stomach is shot. I have not noticed my husband eying shinny chicks but I doubt he's pleased with my 150 pound gain. I was quite the package when we were dating! I think your feelings are natural. Don't lose weight for him - lose it for you. I know I find it hard to love myself with all of this extra weight, but that really must come first. SparkMail if you like - together we can do this!
Suzanne

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FABRAN05's Photo FABRAN05 Posts: 251
9/4/08 10:51 A

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I really need to get this out to other women i think would understand. I am really over weight (size 22) and have been most of my 13 yr. marriage. Well, My husband doesn't have a weight issue. Two weeks ago at our son's back to school night i caught my husband "Checking out," this young, skinny, big boobs, all that woman. Yes, i know he is a man and men look but to do it infront of the wife? That is just plain stupid! It took me for a loop. I am having a hard time not binging and taking this out on myself. I feel like the failure and I let him down by not maintaining my size 5 shape when we married. He says he loves me no matter what and would not intentionally hurt my feelings but I feel real insecure now. It makes me want to quite because i feel i will never look like "that girl." Hello, after twins there is not way my stomach will ever be the same. I need some words of encouragement. I have stewed on this for over a week and I want to let it go but the jealousy/insecurity is lingering.

Thanks,
Fab

FAB aka (Fabulicious)


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