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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
10/16/11 5:38 P

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A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet and six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just a dumb lady! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
10/5/11 11:21 A

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"I am a Yankees fan," a first-grade teacher explains to her class. "Who likes the Yankees?" Everyone raises a hand except one girl.

"Janie," the teacher says, surprised. "Why didn't you raise your hand?"

"I am not a Yankees fan."

"Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then what team do you like?"

"The Red Sox," Janie answers.

"Why in the world are you a Red Sox fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are."

"That's no reason to be a Red Sox fan," the teacher replies, annoyed. "You don't always have to be just like your parents. What if you mom and dad were morons? What would you be then?"

"A Yankees fan."


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
9/23/11 2:57 P

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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME!

An elderly Lady called 911 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo,
the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the Officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."





Sandie from SC
ROSIEJ1942's Photo ROSIEJ1942 Posts: 9,645
8/30/11 5:41 P

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emoticon

Rosie

Rose in Michigan
November 19
♥¸.•*¨)♥ -:¦:- ♥~*-:¦:-*♥~.
♥ .•*´¨ )
.•*´¨ )♥ ¸.•*¨) ♥-:¦:- ♥¸.•*¨) ♥

Always leave loved ones with loving words, it may be the last time you see them.

Living one day at a time : enjoying one moment at a time: accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotton Son, that whosoever believeth in him should no


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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
8/29/11 9:55 P

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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine Whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
Want a bed near the window ?"


Sandie from SC
ROSIEJ1942's Photo ROSIEJ1942 Posts: 9,645
7/8/11 6:53 P

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emoticon LOL Cute!!!

Rosie

Rose in Michigan
November 19
♥¸.•*¨)♥ -:¦:- ♥~*-:¦:-*♥~.
♥ .•*´¨ )
.•*´¨ )♥ ¸.•*¨) ♥-:¦:- ♥¸.•*¨) ♥

Always leave loved ones with loving words, it may be the last time you see them.

Living one day at a time : enjoying one moment at a time: accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotton Son, that whosoever believeth in him should no


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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
7/7/11 8:45 P

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After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks..... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely. .... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.............



Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
6/22/11 12:25 P

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(sorry about the caps, this is how it was shared with me and I ddinlt bother to change it)


I CAN'T LOOK THT OLD, HUH?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED THAT A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MUSTANG! ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD,

WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY HAIRED, DECREPIT,

SOB ASKED....

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???



Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
6/3/11 2:07 P

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emoticon "Future Price of Roses"

The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
6/1/11 5:30 A

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THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Kettle Point, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, she tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to her.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said:
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade . . ."


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
5/23/11 6:37 A

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"One Carton and Six Eggs"
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."



Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
5/19/11 7:34 A

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My 10 year old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project." I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."



Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
5/15/11 11:32 A

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After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom
thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She
showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30. "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing
disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew
agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something
real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror!


Sandie from SC
DFROMTX's Photo DFROMTX Posts: 3,255
5/6/11 8:50 A

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A LITTLE HOLY HUMOR

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. THe daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed..Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said, "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached t the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign.. "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."


Deanna

Ask yourself if what you're doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.

�You are always only one choice away from changing your life.� ~ Mary Blochowiak


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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
3/6/11 7:49 A

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"Best 'Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies"

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

(from the Cybersalt Digest)

Sandie from SC
ROSIEJ1942's Photo ROSIEJ1942 Posts: 9,645
2/15/11 8:16 P

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I got this from another team that I am on!!

BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'


Rosie

Rose in Michigan
November 19
♥¸.•*¨)♥ -:¦:- ♥~*-:¦:-*♥~.
♥ .•*´¨ )
.•*´¨ )♥ ¸.•*¨) ♥-:¦:- ♥¸.•*¨) ♥

Always leave loved ones with loving words, it may be the last time you see them.

Living one day at a time : enjoying one moment at a time: accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotton Son, that whosoever believeth in him should no


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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
11/21/10 6:48 A

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A four year old came screaming out of the bathroom to tell his mother that he dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. He watched her fish it out and toss it into the trash can.
That is when something occurred to him, something about when a toothbrush ought to be discarded. He ran to the other bathroom and came out with his mother's toothbrush. Holding it up, he announced, "We better throw this one out too then . . . it fell in the toilet a few days ago."


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
11/18/10 12:53 P

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"When I'm an Old Lady and Live With My Kids"

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness...just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture...wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done I'll hide under the bed.
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, 'She's so sweet when she's sleeping!'

Joanne Bailey Baxter, Lorain, OH

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
4/30/09 2:06 P

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Thought all you wonderful ladies would appreciate this:
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something "Lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now, I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on... have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart!

These same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes! How do they do it? : )

copied

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
4/18/09 11:43 A

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Some neighbors of my grandparents gave them a pumpkin pie as gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away.

Ever gracious and tactful, my grandmother still felt obliged to send the neighbors a note.

It read, "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."
--------------------
*Illegal Turn*

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
--------------------

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang."You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
2/6/09 1:45 P

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VALENTINE FUNNIES

Q: What did the boy octopus say
to the girl octopus on Valentine's Day?
A: I want to hold your hand, hand,
hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.
---------------------------------------
What is a ram's favorite song?

I Only Have Eyes for Ewe, Dear
---------------------------------------
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
---------------------------------------
What did the stamp say to the envelope?

Stick With Me Honey and We'll Go Places
--------------------------------------
What travels around the world but stays in one corner?

a stamp
---------------------------------------
What does an envelope say when you lick it?

Nothing, It Shuts Up
----------------------------------------
What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?

You Get Buttered Up
----------------------------------------
Knock Knock
Who's there?

Justin
Justin Who

Just In Time For Valentines!
----------------------------------------
Knock Knock
Who's there?

Oscar
Oscar who?

Oscar If She Likes Me!
----------------------------------------



Edited by: GMASANDIE at: 2/6/2009 (13:46)
Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
1/31/09 2:08 P

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A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving
home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
----------------------------------------
--
A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.

The next day in a written test, she included this question: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?"

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students
Answered the question with the word "Mother."

----------------------------------------
--
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

(And that's the last thing he remembers)

----------------------------------------
--

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS."

Edited by: GMASANDIE at: 1/31/2009 (14:08)
Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
1/10/09 12:02 P

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Deeply profound thoughts by men.

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find."

****************************************
**
The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first breakfast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.

"How was it, honey?" she asked when he'd finished.

"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer, but on the whole, it was a good start!"

****************************************
**

Bakery Robbery

My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash.

As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of coins in the back of the register. "Do you want the rolls too?" she asked.

"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."

****************************************
**

Last night my sister and I were sittin In the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, if that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer,
And threw out my wine.


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
12/13/08 6:15 A

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Gotta Love the South

Alabama

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'ma dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

A young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?' The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?' The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

TENNESSEE

A man in Tennessee had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, 'I got a flat tare.' The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?' The man responded, 'When you break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

ARKANSAS

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

Copied

Edited by: GMASANDIE at: 12/13/2008 (06:15)
Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
11/18/08 9:43 A

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A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but
he felt unwilling to spend much money.
"How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.

"That depends," said the salesman.
"They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck.
"You just stick this button in your ear and run this little
string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" the customer asked.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied.
"But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder...!

-----------------------------

One day the housework-challenged husband decided
to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into
the laundry room, he shouted to his wife:

"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied.
"What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Texas A & M"

-----------------------------

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that
he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.
After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with
tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so
much.

We don't want you to leave!" The kindhearted pastor patted her
hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who
takes my place might be even better than me". "Yeah", she said,
with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said
the last time too . . . "




Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
11/8/08 11:08 A

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emoticon
For Chocolate Lovers:

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is
wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

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Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
11/3/08 10:30 A

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I've sure gotten old!

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,'For fast relief.'

Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.



Edited by: GMASANDIE at: 11/3/2008 (10:32)
Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
10/26/08 11:13 A

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The Christian missionary was making his first visit to a cannibal tribe.
The missionary asked the cannibal chief, "Do you people know anything about religion?"
After a pause, the chief answered, "We got a little taste of it when the last missionary was here."

In the mood for joking, a vacationer strolled over to a farmer working in a field and asked, "Did you happen to see a wagon load of monkeys go by?"
"Nope," replied the farmer. "Did you fall off?"


"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast,"
said the new husband.
"Toast and juice," she replied.


"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse,she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks before the weekend.'"

Edited by: GMASANDIE at: 10/26/2008 (11:13)
Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
9/27/08 8:15 P

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While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller


As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'


Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the little girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!


On a brutally humid day, I walked past a miniature golf course and saw a dad following three small children from hole to hole. 'Who's winning?' I shouted. 'I am,' said one kid. 'Me,' said another. 'No, me,' yelled the third. Sweat dripping down his face, the dad gasped, "Their mother is."


On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.’


Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, 'Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.'

'And what,' his friend asked, 'do you want me to do with your ashes?'

The businessman said, 'Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything'



Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
9/7/08 12:28 A

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THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A GRANDMOTHER...
(Written by 3rd graders)

She let's you put your vegetables back in the pot if you don't want to eat them.

She let's you have the the toys that your mother really didn't want you to have.

A Grandmother is one who comes to football games and cheers when she doesn't know what is happening.

My Grandmother gives me candy and money,
my other Grandmother is just the same,
only she gives me meatballs and ice cream.

A Grandmother always thinks that you are going to get hurt playing football.

A Grandmother says she has a very good memory, but she can't remember her age.

Usually a Grandmother is fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes, they wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums off.

Grandmothers don't have to be smart, only answer questions like, "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

Everybody should have a Grandmother,
especially if you don't have a television,
because they are the only grown-ups who have time.

Sandie from SC
ROSIEJ1942's Photo ROSIEJ1942 Posts: 9,645
7/27/08 3:28 P

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Pun With Monks

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.

After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."


Rosie

Rose in Michigan
November 19
♥¸.•*¨)♥ -:¦:- ♥~*-:¦:-*♥~.
♥ .•*´¨ )
.•*´¨ )♥ ¸.•*¨) ♥-:¦:- ♥¸.•*¨) ♥

Always leave loved ones with loving words, it may be the last time you see them.

Living one day at a time : enjoying one moment at a time: accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotton Son, that whosoever believeth in him should no


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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
7/22/08 8:24 A

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get
your hair cut; then we'll talk about it." A montH later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went."
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WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"
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"You know when you're getting old?" my friend asked.
"I give up," I said. "When you tell your best friend you're having an affair and they ask, 'Is it catered?'
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Bank Basics.........

Finally, our last mortgage payment. To make a ceremony of it, we went to the bank and paid in person. The teller processed everything and handed me the closing papers. Heading for the door, I suddenly remembered a rebate check I'd brought along to cash. I went back to the same teller. "Sorry, we can't do that," she explained. "You don't have an account here."

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Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number. "Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently. "This must not be your first," I said. "Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first." "Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked. He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."

Edited by: GMASANDIE at: 7/22/2008 (08:22)
Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
6/24/08 12:11 A

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CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.......

While shopping in a food store, two Nuns happened to pass by the beer section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second Nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she wouldn't feel comfortable about buying it. The first Nun replied that she could handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.The cashier had a surprised look on his face, so the Nun said, 'We use beer for washing our hair....a sort of shampoo if you will.' Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a bag pretzels and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the Nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, 'The curlers are on the house.'

Just an E-mail Note......

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Lottery Winner.....

A man comes home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey pack your bags, I won the lottery"!!!!! "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!! "Should I pack for the ocean, a safari, or for the mountains?, asks the wife "I don't care", he says, "Just get out."


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,860
6/24/08 12:10 A

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I hope you will share anything funny you come across. A laugh is ofen good medicine.

Sandie from SC
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