Ahhhh, this is a very difficult question and there are no topics off limits here. Largely in part due to many perspectives around it. I've been hiv+ for 22 years and was diagnosed when I was 19. When it came to dating, honesty is the best policy. In the beginning, I would disclose my status on the first date. ((Keep in mind, this was 1990.)) and after being rejected over and over, I changed from disclosing on the first date until I felt there was chemistry between us; but, always disclosed the status before any sexual activity was performed. Sometimes, the disclosure was too much for the other person to handle and they just wanted to be friends at that point. When this would happen, I looked at it as it wasn't meant to be. Besides, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, and being honest with someone where you feel the chemistry is right, it's a good thing to disclose early as honesty is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Besides, if you wait too long to disclose, you and the other party will have already developed feelings for each other and "the talk" will then become much harder and the possible rejection will hurt more and the other person will feel a bit betrayed for not disclosing earlier.
Although, there is still stigma surrounding being hiv+, attitudes have come a long way since then and there are those who it doesn't bother. If you need an ear, shoot me an email.
Here's some helpful information from thebody.com:
Situation: "Unsure about dating disclosure and timing"
Jan 25, 2012
I am new to the dating scene as an hiv positive person. Although I have been poz for several years, I have not tried to date until the past year or so. I am undectable, CD4 is 869, healthy and doing good. Here's my situation/question. I recently met a guy and have been on 2 dates with him (no sex)and have talked with him on the phone severeal hours a day (a good sign). He is really sweet and I feel like this could turn into a great long lasting relationship. Its been my experience in the past year that every time I meet someone and start to date, its all good, then when I announce my status they lose interest. I don't want this to happen with this guy. I know he is negative by a few things he's said. If we start having safe sex and I don't tell him my status,is that bad? I can't hurt him as far as giving him hiv, can I? Honestly, I don't want to tell him ever, so I won't lose him, but I keep thinking if we end up falling in love and then I announce it one day, it could turn out bad and create a big mess. How do I handle this? Ive been alone for a long time and have just met this wonderful man, that I could loose with telling him just one sentence about my status. I could use your advice.
Response from Mr. Glenn
Thanks for your question,
Welcome back to the dating scene! It can be a challenging for anyone.. especially when faced with the fear and ignorance that still exists in society.
But luckily even with all, that many MANY people are connecting and finding love in mixed-status and poz-poz couples. Check out some resources that we have here:
"Sex, Dating, & HIV for Gay Men"
"Rejected Because of Your HIV Status?"
Remember, you deserve to find love and connection just like anyone else! I hope everything goes great with this current guy, sounds like you all are having a good time :)
Also, unless you're having unprotected sex or sharing needles with this person they aren't going to get HIV from you.
The only way that an HIV positive person could pass HIV to a negative person is if their HIV+ body fluid (blood, semen, pre-cum, vaginal fluid, or breast milk) leaves their body and enters into the body of a negative person directly/immediately.
Hope this helps!
"Sex, Dating, & HIV for Gay Men" www.thebody.com/index/whatis/gaymen_dating
"Rejected Because of Your HIV Status?" www.thebody.com/content/art43318.html
“How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.” John Burroughs
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