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NRBUTE Posts: 411
4/10/07 6:49 P

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Thank you for the welcome. There are days when I feel like all I am doing is surviving, I hate those days. They leave me feeling helpless, lonely and oddly quiet. My CA125's are coming up next month, I usually freak out that entire week, I am going to strive hard not to this time. I'm sorry about your uncle and friends. I met a woman last weekend just before Easter who was diagnosed with Breast cancer two years ago, she is trying the holistic approach to healing, but it's not working. She is scared of chemotherapy because the drugs are "poison," I tried to calm her down by telling her the cancer is poison too, and sometimes it takes fire to fight fire. The chemo worked for me. I don't want to push it on her, but they found more lumps in her lymphnodes and I am affraid she doesn't have much time left to keep using herbs and hot rocks. I don't have anything against holistic medicine, but so many holistic cancer doctors are in it only for the money and they know their "customers" are desperate and will pay anything for a miracle cure that they only pretend to offer. Some are honest doctors, but what is scary is that so many more aren't.
I am working hard on making my body strong and healthy, it is something I should've been doing all along. This woman is as I was and it made me reflect and when I did I shook like a leaf.
Again, thank you for the welcome.

I matter

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4/9/07 11:46 A

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Hi Kim,

Welcome to the group, and to SP. Congratulations on being at the eighteen month mark!

And, something I wanted to tell you: for me, the learning how to be a survivor has not been easy either. While going through the diagnosis process (misdiagnosed for three months and told I was over-reacting to a lump) and then the treatments themselves, I knew what to do. I focused on learning, I focused on healing.

Afterwards, I've been coming to grips with being *different* myself. It's a positive difference, don't get me wrong. I feel far stronger for having had cancer. But learning who I am now is a work in progress. I'm not the same person I used to be. And I lost people too: my uncle to colon cancer a few years after surviving, and one of the people I sat next to during chemo for so many weeks did not make it. Another has had recurrence to her bones. Part of my reaction was to be very careful of my health for awhile; then to ignore it completely because I could not bear to think about it (hence weight gain) for awhile. Now I am more balanced.

One book that helped me begin to understand that survivorship is an active phase is Lance Armstrong's second one. You might take a look.

I believe I was saved for a purpose, and that purpose includes living life fully, experiencing joy, and doing the best I can. It also includes using my professional skills for only the most positive of goals. It does *not* emphatically *not* mean I must be perfect, or learn how to be a survivor all at once.

The awareness of potential for death and loss can truly sharpen your awareness of the potential you have to *live* - I wish you all the best as your journey progresses.

Edited by: SHADOWPUP at: 4/9/2007 (11:48)
1/07 Decided ENOUGH is ENOUGH (SW 180)
2/07 Found SP
8/31/07 Maintain 129-132
4/01/08 Maintain 126-129

Height: 5'7", Female, 47. Size 2.

A healthy lifestyle gives strength and time to spend on those we love, and to do things that matter. - myself

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In those choices lie our growth and our happiness - Frankel
NRBUTE Posts: 411
4/9/07 9:34 A

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Hi, my name is Kim I am a cancer survivor now going on 18 months. From some of what I have read here I am pretty much the baby of the group in regards to my remission. I was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer June 5, 2005 underwent a drastic hysterectomy and chemotherapy. Everyone thought I was brave during my treatments, but actually I just became an osterich and buried my head in the sand and let things happen. Then my father inlaw came to visit and he was in remission for brain cancer and it gave me an excuse to further bury my head. Then my mother died and I had no time to grieve for her because all of a sudden I knew how close I was to dying. Suddenly I spent hours on the internet to learn all about Ovarian cancer and its rediculously low survival rate, now acutely aware how lucky I am to have beatten it and because my Mom died for no real good reason suddenly I had survivor guilt. I saw my end, she didn't. I had a chance to fight and win, she didn't. It's hard being a survivor.
Worse, I know that God gave me a second chance and I have no idea what to do? For a year I seemed to just wait for the Cancer to come back and did nothing except all I could be improve my physical health. Last night it hit me and I freaked out, I have a second chance but the same body that was forced into retirement at the age of 34 due to advanced fibromyalgia, and very few friends. I really am at a loss of what to do, what my purpose is, why God gave me this second chance. All of this has me almost as scared as the cancer itself.
I hope no one minds my rambling, but I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this, I was in counseling for a while, but I couldn't afford to keep it up, only went for about a month before my funds died.

I matter

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