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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
9/5/10 9:34 P

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Driving down the road I saw a person hitch hiking, the sign read "Heaven Bound". Me being the good person I am, I hit that person...I hope they made it!!!

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
6/19/10 10:04 P

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore,we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, NO!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the
captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"


borrowed from Bandmom_Teresa's blog of June 17

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
6/7/10 1:00 P

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A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

borrowed from Bandmom_Teresa's blog of June 6.

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
5/27/10 1:52 P

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Elayne...This was the funniest one ever!!! I love it!!! Sharing it with DH and everyone... Sure hope they had their stories straight. ROTFL Keep them coming, my friend.
Blessings and hugs.
Helen

Hope you have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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5/25/10 3:20 P

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Dishonesty Doesn't Pay

One year, at Western, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go over to Toronto and party with some friends there during the Vanier Cup weekend. So they did this and had a great time.

However, with their partying and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Western until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find their Professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to Toronto for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

The Professor thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the Prof had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said:
(95 points) Which tire?

- Don A. Wicks, Instructor Graduate School of Library & Information Science Elborn College, University of Western Ontario

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
5/8/10 3:55 A

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Elayne, These are great!! Thank you so much for sharing. Lots of laughter and memories here from the Over 30 gang. HUGS!!

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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5/7/10 3:00 P

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10 Signs Your Vet Bill Is Going To Require Financing

-- The doc's thermometer registers in Fahrenheit, Celsius and dollars.

-- The bill came with payment coupons.

-- Your Doberman just ate the receptionist.

-- "He has a very rare blood type. It's called '$$ Positive.'"

-- He starts talking about extended quality of life, miracles of modern veterinary medicine and joint replacement procedures. You own a goldfish.

-- They take away the blood sample on a sterling silver serving tray.

-- The sad, pathetic whining in the exam room is coming from the owners.

-- You suddenly realize where you've heard that low whistle before: from the plumber and the auto mechanic.

-- "Do you have any idea how expensive hamster defibrillators are?"

-- and the #1 Sign Your Veterinary Bill is Going to Require Financing:

"We can rebuild him. Make him stronger, faster...."

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,875)
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4/22/10 11:58 P

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If you are 30, or older, you might think this is
hilarious! It's amazing how much things have changed in the last 30 years.
*************
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with
their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were
growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every
morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids
about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I
can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it
so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know
how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If
we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up
ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a
letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street
and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents
beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had
permission to spank us! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you
wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it
yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the
radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and screw it all
up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play
our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would
come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled,
Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were
on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's
it!

There weren't any cell phones either. If you left your house, you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to
be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY!!! Think of the horror... not
being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah,
right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the
phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your
parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection
agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your
chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games
with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little
square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you
could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster
and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find
out what was on! You were outta luck when it came to channel surfing!
You had to get off your rear end and walk over to the TV to change the
channel!!! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get
cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to
wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rats!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat
something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all
day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back
seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across
the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your
head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place.

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't
have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,875)
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4/21/10 12:17 A

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emoticon Very good!

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice ..
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
4/17/10 12:24 P

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Great one, Elayne!!! Thanks!


Little Johnny's Confession
The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”

“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently.

“It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”


This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom


Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,875)
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4/15/10 12:39 P

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An antelope and a lion entered a diner and too a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, " I'll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes."
"And what will your friend have?"
"Nothing," replied the antelope.
The waiter persisted," Isn't he hungry?"
"Hey, if he was hungry." said the antelope,"would I be sitting here?"


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
4/12/10 12:36 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Edited by: MOMMA_BEAR_69 at: 4/12/2010 (00:36)
Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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4/6/10 1:07 P

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oh how cute. Gotta love kids and their way of thinking. She was pretty smart!

Here's my contribution for today:

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what had caused the accident. " I really can't remember," the snail replied. "You see, it all happened so fast!"

emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
4/4/10 2:21 P

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I believe my little daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.

I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"

Thanks to Bandmom_Teresa

This is so McKenzie...


Edited by: MOMMA_BEAR_69 at: 4/4/2010 (14:22)
Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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POOH_BEAR_69's Photo POOH_BEAR_69 Posts: 9,159
4/2/10 6:23 A

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That was cute! Good way to start the day... With a smile!

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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
3/31/10 11:20 P

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Was Johnny adopted?

After many years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, Johnny finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were, Son," his mother said as she started to cry softly.

"But it didn't work out, and they brought you back."

Thanks to Bandmom_Teresa




Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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POOH_BEAR_69's Photo POOH_BEAR_69 Posts: 9,159
3/28/10 3:43 P

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Loved it! So sweet and funny! emoticon

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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
3/27/10 9:46 P

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These are so wonderful...thank you for sharing!!!

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,875)
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3/27/10 1:53 P

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Kid's Talk To God In Prayer

1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and
Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for
was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people
to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will
tell me.
Love Alison

5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene

6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses
his golf words in the house?
Anita

7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in
the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can
never do it.
Nancy

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
Glenn

9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was
a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If
you don't, who does?
Nathan

11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was
it an accident?
Norma

12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old
days and don't do any now?
Billy

14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer
camp this year.
Peter

15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other
so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK
with me and my brother.
Larry

16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come
yet. What's up? Don't forget.
Mark

17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but
it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha

18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you
my new shoes.
Barbara

19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just
know him through the business?
Donny

20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God
than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just
saying that because you are already God.
Charles

21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in
the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff

22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!
Frank

( And, saving the best for last )

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw
the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.
Thomas



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
3/24/10 1:30 A

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Elayne, thank you so much for this. Really had me laughing and soooo true!!! HUGS!!!!

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are
our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is
something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to
His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve. we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering
why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you? " said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it! " Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that
Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern
was set and it has never changed.


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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3/18/10 12:32 P

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Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden......Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.


But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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3/17/10 9:51 P

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Oh how awful for Ken. I pray he will heal soon. How painful that must be. I have had cellullitis and I know how it hurts.

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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3/17/10 9:44 P

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After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness.

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your grandmother need a rental car?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*


Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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3/17/10 9:43 P

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Elayne, due to remodeling construction going on at our high school someone put piles of metal in the boiler room with only a small pathway to get through the room. As Ken works security at the school, checking the boiler nightly is part of his job. One night as he was going through the door, he got to close to the metal. It scraped his leg. He didn't pay any attention to it beyond filling out an accident report that night. That was on Feb 9th. Well about 2-3 weeks after it happened, his leg started bothering him and he started putting neosporin and polysporin on it. I didn't see it and he kept saying it was getting better. Well last Monday, he said it was really hurting and he needed to go to the hospital. Just not Ken at all. So I took him to the ER. Needless to say not only is it severely infected but he also has cellulitis in that leg now. He hasn't been to a doctor or had any medical treatment in the 16 years we have been together. Crazy man!!!

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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3/13/10 8:08 P

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I am so sorry to hear about Ken. You both are being prayed for. Keep me posted how he's doing. What happened at work?

A TRUE IRISH GHOST STORY

This happened a while ago in Belfast , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.

John Bradford, a 20 yr old Queen's University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....

"Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it."




Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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3/11/10 3:39 A

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Elayne, thank you and blessings to you and Pastor Tim for sharing these great laughs with us. I really needed a little humor as these last several days have been prayerful days fraught with tension as we are fighting to find a doctor for Ken. He hasn't been to the doctor in 20 years so has no family doctor. He got hurt at work and the district has no workman's comp panel. He ended up in the emergency room and finally got some antibiotics. They wanted to keep him but he said no...he is also not the best patient either. Praise God, he thinks his leg is getting better.

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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3/9/10 1:10 P

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Never Be Late

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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3/7/10 2:50 P

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March 7

Laundry Comments

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 3/7/2010 (14:51)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
3/7/10 1:27 P

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This one really had me laughing. At least part of the congregation could benefit. lol

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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3/5/10 10:35 A

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March 5

Allergy Medicine

During a revival, the visiting evangelist arrived without his allergy medicine.

Our pastor put him in touch with a doctor in our church for an emergency prescription to get him through the week. The evangelist was so appreciative of the doctor that during the last service, he recommended the doctor to the entire crowd. The ensuing laughter was a mystery to him until after the service.

That was when the host pastor informed him that he had just recommended the local OB-GYN.


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
3/4/10 8:01 P

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Elayne...Fantastic!!! Keep them coming.

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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3/4/10 2:16 A

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Glad you and Ken enjoyed that one. Here's a another one.

March 4

Undies

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them

Mom said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".

Susie said: " I know they do .... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!




Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/28/10 2:04 A

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Oh Elayne, thank you for sharing and thank your brother for this also. I am still laughing my butt off. Ken wanted a copy of this one to take to work on Monday to share. Please keep them coming. It sure brought laughter into my night.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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2/26/10 10:47 A

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My brother sent me this one.

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this: My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00. I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use 'But we didn't use them. ''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says. But we didn't go to any of those shows.’ 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I write a cheque and give it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. ''But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'' ''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.' 'But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. 'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/25/10 3:13 P

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Oh my, you were the guard..but at least you were guarding the right wire! emoticon

Feb 25

Praying for Leroy

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for
Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday.




Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/25/10 1:09 A

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Oh my Elayne. That one really had me laughing as it hit so close to home. On Sunday when the snow slid off my neighbors roof, it pulled down her gutters and all the utility lines right into the street between our houses. I stood guard over them to keep anyone from driving down the street and right into them. That would really have caused some excitement. Of course it only took the fire department about 5 minutes to get there and put out the orange cones, etc. to make everything more visible. So this was really close to my heart today. Thank you so much for sharing it and thank you to Pastor Tim for sure!!!

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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Feb 23

Wire Guard

Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire.

It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public.

Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me.

"Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/22/10 4:33 P

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emoticon ..Love it.

Feb 22

A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as, "Take with food," and "Take with water."

At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.

Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook.

It read:

"Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/19/10 11:42 A

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Borrowed from CAZ_NR_HEATHROW blog of 2/18 and is sooo funny!!!

Underwear Dust

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow'



Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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2/18/10 7:59 P

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Borrowed from Bandmom_Teresa...
Must be blind day on our team. lol

A Nun was taking a shower one day and
she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"

And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."

So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel,she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.

She opened the door and said, "What do you want?",
and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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2/18/10 11:59 A

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Ok, I'll let my brother know they were liked. Thanks!

Feb 18

Note From The Judge

During court one busy day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/17/10 11:00 P

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Elayne, You will have to thank your brother for those. How funny. Thank you for sharing with us. I copied and sent them to my brother in Montana...He loved them.

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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2/17/10 11:41 A

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emoticon

Feb 17

My brother sent me 4 in one e-mail today so here they are.
*****************

A veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist. One day,
one of his experiments paid off.
He successfully combined
The DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog. The result
was a small, round dog with orange-tinted fur.
For many years, the dog was happy. But over time,
he became lethargic and morose. The vet tried
everything to cure the dog's depression.
Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet
psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told the veterinarian
not to worry. The dog was just a little melon collie.
_____________

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After
she woke up, she told her husband, "I just
dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said. That evening,
the man came home with a small package and gave it
to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to
find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
_________________

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward,
to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher
asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my
hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear,
and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and
prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands,
stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday".
_______________
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do
you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"
replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me
give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil
is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the
father of lawyers,'... so I let it go...."



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
2/16/10 2:44 A

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Elayne, you do find the greatest "funnies". Thank you so much for this one!!! emoticon emoticon

Edited by: MOMMA_BEAR_69 at: 2/16/2010 (02:44)
Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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2/15/10 11:53 A

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emoticon Loved yours too!

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
2/15/10 7:25 A

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Oh Elayne...that was sooo funny. It had me laughing out loud!!! I loved it!!!



Trying to Please Mama

The first woman was elected U.S. president. She called her mom to make sure she was coming to the inauguration.

"I don’t know, dear. What would I wear?”

"Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll send a designer to help you.”

"But you know I need special foods for my diet.”

"Mom, I’m going to the president. I can get you the food you need.”

"But how will I get there?”

"I’ll send a limo, Mom. Just come!”

"OK, OK, if it makes you happy.”

The great day came, and Mama was seated with the future cabinet members. She nudged the man on her right. “See that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother’s a doctor!”


Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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2/13/10 10:45 A

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Hi Helen, Yes, we can go in the doll house together!
Happy Valentine's Day!

Feb. 13

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year Ken would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair,

and Ken said,

'Edna, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Ken replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/13/10 5:35 A

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Elayne, This is great and sounds just like a small child talking. Really had me laughing. I want to be the one in the doll house too!!!
Hugs,
Helen

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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2/11/10 11:43 A

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Retarded Grandparents

Ater Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchil

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/6/10 7:13 P

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Elayne, you really had me laughing with this one!! Thank you so much!! I needed this after shoveling snow all day.

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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2/6/10 1:05 P

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Feb 6

The Bathtub Test.

During a visit to the senior’s home, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/5/10 3:56 P

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Feb 5

Dear Dog.

I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint.

Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.

Best regards,

The Cat

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/5/10 10:06 A

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Sound familiar?

A group of 40 year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because that would be a great idea since they had never been there before.

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
2/4/10 11:18 P

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AWESOME...I really laughed over this one. Thanks, Elayne!!!

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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2/4/10 3:30 P

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During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Amerians, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues and wearing a name tag reading "Bear," the general's nickname.

As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom: "Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy bear."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/28/10 3:37 P

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emoticon I liked both of these. Thanks.

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/28/10 12:12 P

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***The States
The old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the fourth-grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day,
students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said,
“Yes, but in those days there were only 13.”


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

***Meanings
A teacher is drilling her young students. “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” she said. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Do you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

--borrowed from Band_Mom Teresa

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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1/26/10 12:30 A

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That is so funny. I post the same joke here and changed it. I loved this one. I would loved to have heard the sermon!!!

Edited by: MOMMA_BEAR_69 at: 1/26/2010 (00:30)
Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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1/25/10 6:08 P

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I'm glad you like them.

Jan 25

I saw this one on another team.

Lying is a Sin

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."






Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 1/25/2010 (18:08)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/22/10 9:09 P

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Elayne, thank you so much for sharing your jokes with us. I love them. emoticon

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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1/22/10 3:43 P

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Jan 22

Cake Make Up

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet-cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my cornbread go?" he shouted.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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JUSTJEEP's Photo JUSTJEEP Posts: 549
1/19/10 7:39 P

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This is a great forum! Thanks for sharing everyone.
Blessings~ Angela

Blessings~ Angela


"If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought."
Peace Pilgrim


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I am so happy you and Ken enjoyed these. Thanks for letting me know.

Jan 19

This Week's Funny
Bee Flat

In a college music theory class one warm spring day, the other students and I were having a hard time concentrating. The heat was oppressive and a wasp buzzed threateningly above our heads.

The teacher—oblivious to the dive-bombing menace—continued lecturing while the rest of us dodged and swatted at the invader. Finally, it landed on one student's open book. With a quick slap, he snapped the text shut, killing the wasp. The professor, startled, looked up. "What was that?" she asked, annoyed. Thinking quickly, the killer answered sheepishly, "A bee flat."

—Paul M. Hampton, Cold Spring, Kentucky. Christian Reader, "Lite Fare."

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
1/19/10 12:30 A

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Thanks Elayne, I loved those and couldn't wait to share with Ken who is still laughing. emoticon

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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1/18/10 10:05 A

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This came to me in all caps. I didn't do that!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HI T THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/17/10 11:03 P

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Loved it..Thanks.
I'm behind on these. I'm just reading 152 pieces of mostly Spark mail notices tonight.

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
1/17/10 9:32 P

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ANOTHER ONE FROM BAND_MOM TERESA


Forrest Gump and St. Peter

When Forrest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you."
He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here
and we find that we now have to give people an
entrance examination before we let them in."

"Okay," said Forrest. "I hope it's not too hard.
I've already been through a test.
My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forrest, I know. But this test is only three questions.
Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forrest, "The first one is easy.
Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't
the answer I was looking for, but you have a point.
I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forrest,
"How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean.
I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forrest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it."
Forrest broke into song, "Andy walks with me,
Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forrest, Run!"

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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1/14/10 8:43 P

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emoticon emoticon Oh how funny Elayne. I am still laughing!!! Thank you so much. I think I laughed so hard I can count it as cardio!!!

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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1/13/10 1:06 P

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emoticon Love It!

Jan 13

Blonde Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using

the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldGoo
fy
Sacramento


When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it

had & to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
1/13/10 12:59 A

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A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex...' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the
soup.'


Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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1/12/10 12:27 P

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Very funny.

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
1/12/10 2:22 A

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Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'


Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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1/12/10 2:21 A

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So true...especially #2. lol

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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1/11/10 1:20 P

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Jan 11

Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement

New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy.

You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.

Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.

The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.

Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".

Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.

To err is human, to forgive is against department policy.

Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.

If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for directions.

Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.

Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.

Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.

Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.

Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.

If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.

The speed with which you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.

Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.

Bullet proof vests might be.

Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/10/10 9:30 P

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emoticon Too funny especially since I live in Fl!

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
1/10/10 1:54 A

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An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'


Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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1/10/10 12:30 A

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Oh I love it! Thanks for the laugh.

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
1/9/10 3:27 P

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I borrow this from Band_Mom Teresa again...

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a
three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean.
They all died and went to heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter,
"I know you guys think we summoned you here,
but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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1/8/10 2:59 P

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emoticon someone was peeking at me too!

Jan. 8

Wake Up!

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..it said...

"It is 5:00 am, wake up!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
1/7/10 8:10 P

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Way to go, Elayne...I love them!!! I think someone was peeking at me trying on that miniskirt... emoticon lol

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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1/7/10 12:40 P

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Jan 7

When short hemlines came back into fashion, a woman dug an old miniskirt out of her closet. She tried it on, but couldn't figure out what to do with the other leg! emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/5/10 3:30 P

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emoticon I love it! emoticon


Jan 5

Prayerful But Unsatisfied

When our granddaughter was four, she came to the table one day in a disgruntled mood. She complained loudly about every dish on the table. Hoping to change the mood, her mother suggested that she give the blessing. After a sullen pause, she prayed, "OK, God, I forgive you for this food."


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
1/4/10 2:46 A

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I borrowed this one from Bandmom_Teresa:

One day, after school was over, a teacher walked
up to one of her students. For a school assignment
she asked him to find four phrases,write them down
then give them back to her the next day.

So, the student reached home and
asked his mom if she had a phrase.
"Shut up!!!", exclaimed the mom.

Next, the student went to his brother
and asked if he had a phrase.
"Bada bada BATMAN!!!", laughed the brother.

Next, the student went to the neighborhood
janitor and asked if he had a phrase.
"Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing
but garbage all day long!", complained the janitor.

Finally for his final phrase the student
asked the town baker if he had a phrase.
"My buns are burning, my buns are burning!", shouted the baker.

The next day at school the student waltzed up to his teacher's desk
"Do you have your four phrases", asked the Teacher?
"Shut up!", shouted the student.

The teacher felling very hurt asked,
"Who do you think you are!?"
"Bada bada BATMAN", laughed the student.

"What are you getting out of all this school?", asked the teacher.
"Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!"

Then the teacher spanked the student
and he went around yelling
"MY BUNS ARE BURNING MY BUNS ARE BURNING!"

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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1/3/10 1:58 A

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Oh Elayne. Thank you. That just made my night and really had me laughing!!!

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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1/2/10 11:01 A

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Happy New Year!

Jan 1, 2010

Dog Calls

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,875)
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12/31/09 10:56 A

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Dec. 31

Drug Store Qurstions

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers: "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."

Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works."

Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
12/29/09 11:17 P

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I love it...thanks for the laugh!!!

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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12/29/09 11:14 A

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Dec. 29

Directions

A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped.

We went in to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department.

"Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,875)
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12/26/09 8:36 P

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emoticon Very true. I liked that a lot.

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
12/26/09 7:55 P

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I saw this on John Harney's spark page today and it tickled my funny bone.

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach, when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, "Lord, please build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is extremely materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

Of course I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could help all of mankind.

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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MOMMA_BEAR_69's Photo MOMMA_BEAR_69 Posts: 38,829
12/26/09 7:53 P

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Elayne, Thank you so much for sharing these. Laughter is good for the soul and my soul is running over at the moment!!
HUGS!!!

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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12/25/09 1:47 P

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emoticon !!!MERRY CHRISMAS!!!

'Twas the night of Christmas, But I just couldn't sleep. I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep The leftovers beckoned The dark meat and white, But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation, The thought of a snack became infatuation! So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door, And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!!

I crashed through the ceiling, floated into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie, But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ...

HAPPY EATING TO ALL,
PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE!! emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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12/24/09 11:10 A

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Glad to see a laugh thread here. Laughter heals the Soul.

Dec. 24

Top 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don't like:

10) Hey! There's a gift.

9.) Well, well, well...

8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.

7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.

6.) Wow, I hope this never catches fire!

5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1.) I really don't deserve this.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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POOH_BEAR_69's Photo POOH_BEAR_69 Posts: 9,159
9/6/09 12:08 A

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Woman after my own heart... Not that she is trying to be God, but that she is so assertive... emoticon

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9/5/09 10:00 P

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Al, Bill, and Hillary at the Pearly Gates

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. In heaven, they found God sitting on the great, white throne.

He addressed Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replied, "Well, I believe I won the election in 2000, but it was your will that I did not serve. I've come to understand that now."

God thought for a second and said, "Very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addressed Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replied, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

Again, God thought for a second and then said, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."

God then turned to Hillary and asked, "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

She replied, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

Helen/Southwestern PA Joined SP 9/23/2007
Co-leader of The Rainbow Bridge--Grieving the Loss of a Pet Spark Team

"Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible."
~Mary McLeod Bethune

"If you planted hope in a heart today in any hopeless heart, If someone's burden was lighter because you did your part, If you caused a laugh that chased a tear away, If tonight your name is mentioned when someone kneels to pray, Then your day was well spent.


 
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