Hi everyone I apologize for being absent during most of the last 4 weeks or so but I haven't been doing well emotionally and am also sometimes upstate where I have no nearby internet access. I want to try to sum this up as much as possible but it will be very difficult so I do not mind or will feel hurt if you cannot read it all and respond. It may take awhile to get to the point of the post too because I feel I have to share some info to give a sense of the situation.
I may have not shared but since age 12, so the past 16 years, I have dealt with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depression although both went undiagnosed for years and I was given many others during my 8 years of adolescence spent in and out of institutions, some of which made the PTSD worse because I was abused there by staff and older kids. I wasn't sent to psychiatric hospitals and residential because I was bad it was more because I didn't know how to deal with some other trauma and therefore I acted out by not going to class, running away from school, and non aggressive behavioral issues. Plus I was never given the chance to try any other therapy and was immediately placed on high doses of meds that later the doctors would find out did more damage and made my emotional dyscontrol worse.
Anyway, as you all know my yellow lab Belle passed away the day after Christmas this year on our way to the vets. She had been diagnosed 3 months before with a tumor and cancer, the tumor broke her leg leaving her unable to walk yet she didn't feel pain due to a damaged nerve. The vet had told my father if he decided to take care of her while she still was happy and herself and in no pain that was ok and that eventually the cancer would spread and we would know very quickly when it was time because her breathing would be rapid and then shallow and she would have trouble that way. While that is what happened the night of the 26th she was never supposed to make it that long; the vet had said she wouldn't even last till Thanksgiving.
Before her diagnosis I had just gotten out of a special trauma hospital program that is one of only several in the east coast and New England area. I had gone in voluntarily because having been there before it was helpful and it felt safe and was specific and intensified towards my needs. Because of the abuse in other places I will not go to community or general mental health units.
I was discharged on Sept. 28th after 8 weeks and had missed the first three weeks of my final year of graduate school. The university and faculty were accommodating and were going to allow me to catch up and extend my semester. However, the transition from hospital to class in 24 hours and then to internship was a bit overwhelming and to add to my stress my car was totaled 5 days later when a man ran a red light. I was unharmed but the next week was just too much - dealing with the aftermath, rentals, getting to school and internship and stress of finding a car that I liked and could afford. After 2 weeks out of the hospital I decided to take a medical leave and my therapist thought perhaps it would be good for me to go back to the trauma program and get rest and help getting well enough to be able to come back home and not be overwhelmed. I agreed and that is what we did.
The team I worked with was the same team I had had the other 4 times I had been there over 4 years. I liked them and the doctor was especially helpful and was the medical director and actually created the unit. In my mind it is one of the best programs in the northeast and it is by no means a waste of time and simple med change and goodbye. When I first went there at a younger age (23 yrs old) I still had a lot of aggression issues that had developed from still living in and out of many institutions and my fight or flight kicked in a lot because all hospitals trigger things in me no matter what. The first three times at this program I had some severe difficulties and was surprised to find that unlike other places I was not banned from returning. The doctor said that he would not do that to me.
However, my admission for the 8 weeks last summer/fall went well and the team was very happy with my progress and I had grown up developmentally to where those past aggressions weren't acted on. When I was readmitted 2.5 weeks later I again was depressed, hopeless, and very tired. I also was having trouble feeling grounded and was very zoned out. Needless to say a lot had happened in a very short time span including having to take medical leave from school which is to me a loss since it is an outlet of some sorts.
Five days into my 2nd hospitalization that would last 4 weeks and end around Nov 18th, my father came to visit and brought with him the news that Belle had cancer and was dying. The vet said it could be 5 days or it could be at best 5 weeks. I was overwhelmed with grief as you all have experienced too and yet I was unable to be by her side which was extremely hard and harder was the knowledge that I wasn't able to leave to see her and say goodbye. An issue arose when while trying to productively work on grieving in therapy and art and so forth, my parents asked to be allowed to bring her down so I could visit one last time. Their were several disagreements and in the midst of emotions my father called someone higher up, I got into some verbal disagreements that weren't nasty but stated my position. Eventually they got permission to bring her down. I saw her and while it was difficult walking away from the hour visit I thought I handled it well compared to how my responses may have been several years before. My doctor and therapist went to a conference and I ended up being discharged before they returned.
Here is the point of the post. I am currently not doing well symptom wise and the medication that I have felt has helped me and that I have been on for 5-6 years stopped working and isn't able to be replaced due to my extensive history and ineffectiveness of other available medications that would in similar cases be tried. Been there and not been successful even with newer ones. I have over the past 4-5 months become extremely depressed and my health in many ways has gone downhill emotionally and physically. I have been unable to eat much and unable to get any sleep or little if I do. In May I considered returning to the trauma unit and my therapist applied. I was not only shocked but blindsided when the unanimous decision by the team was to not allow me to return for at least 6-8 months due to my last hospitalization being very unproductive and focused too much on my dog and how to "Manipulate" staff into allowing my parents to being her for a visit. If that news wasn't bad enough I read an email sent as a reply to the reasons I was not allowed back and the wording used by people who I had come to trust and respect was painful to read. I felt both as if my character was being attacked in ways that had never been brought to my attention about how the staff really felt and thus shocked and confused me. Too make matters worse I feel as though that letter and other statements made directed the blame onto my precious Belle as the reason why I was being rejected at this time. I had focused on her and her dying and my loss and grieving and not on other issues that had brought me into the hospital. To them the fact that I learned of my dogs cancer and fate was not as important as other things and I failed to make progress due to my focus and attention being on soothing myself and finding ways to grieve the most important being in my life for what was half of my lifetime -14.6 years.
Things have quickly gone downhill since May. I have lost 13 lbs. It wasn't intentional it was out of being too depressed to eat and then not even feeling the urge to eat. That continues as does my inability to sleep and my having to take a second year of medical leave and having many symptoms arise to a level where they are all just too much for myself to figure out how to help myself and in a sense on some days to want to. Everyone agrees there is no other program I would benefit from and other options have also been considered but have been unanimously discarded due to reasons that make sense.
And so I ask, I have come to be very angry in the last few weeks and that anger feels like it is just very indignant and boiling over. I feel that my rejection was based on the events surrounded Belle and therefore I feel like the hospital blamed her as a top reason for my rejection which makes me angrier because I don't blame her and yet I am being denied help that I need and I feel in a sense they are leading me to see her as the problem that got me to this horrible place. That makes me extremely angry. I love her and she was the strongest being I know to survive as long as she did so that all 7 of us could have one last CHristmas as a family. She made it 6-8 weeks past the vets prediction. And she took her last breath on my lap so we didn't have to go through the decision of having to lay her on a table and put her to sleep. Those two things were painful but they were her XMAS gifts. And so is it stupid that I am feeling anger about her being blamed and about the situation effecting me to a point where I know she is the reason they rejected me yet I am not angry at her but am feeling a push by them to be angry and to acknowledge she was the issue? Is this stupid? Is this an irrational thing to be angry at? Is it normal for me to feel angry and also feel guilty because the thought that they rejected me based on my focus on her pops into my head? Does that make me guilty in the sense that just having the thought even if I don't believe it, makes me a horrible person in regards to honoring her and continuing to love her? Does it mean I have in a way made my love towards her less than it was? I just feel so horrible. I feel so angry at them and so guilty that I think of her when I think of why I was rejected even though I don't agree with them. I actually do think I made progress because I did a lot of art, writing and therapy on her anticipated loss. Am I stupid? Is this a stupid question and post? I am sorry if you read this all and feel this is and please I am not offended I just thought I'd see what others had to say. Thanks for reading this far. This was so long.
| current weight: 119.0