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5/22/13 1:28 P

Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other. Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible, and Darwin's "Origin of Species".

Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"

The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother."

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5/9/13 11:47 P

lol

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5/9/13 12:41 A

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies,
and sagging pants, arrive.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and describes who is waiting at the entrance.

God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

"No. The Pearly Gates."

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5/7/13 8:40 P

lol cute

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5/7/13 8:48 A

Oh all too funny!! Love starting my day off with your humor Bute!

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5/7/13 7:07 A

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?


A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?


A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?


A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.;

Q: I How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?


A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?


A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?


A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?


A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?


A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?


A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?


A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?


A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?

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5/6/13 11:56 P

the love affairs
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two
beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife:

'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters
I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind
my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked:
'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

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5/6/13 11:55 P

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. "

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

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5/3/13 9:50 A

cute! Thx

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5/1/13 11:10 P

lol

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5/1/13 4:31 P

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's.
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres". The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I got a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear to the church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

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4/23/13 10:44 P

this is so cute

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4/23/13 10:33 A

Can just picture it......LOL.

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4/23/13 2:56 A

I had a flat tire on I-95 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!

Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.

People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.

He wanted to know what the heck I was doing, so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn't believe he didn't know! So I told him ... "Well," I explained to the angry Policeman ....
"They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!"

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4/22/13 9:29 A

Cute and how true!

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4/21/13 10:32 P

lol

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4/21/13 3:32 A

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

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4/10/13 10:45 P

lol

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4/10/13 6:11 A

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4/10/13 1:15 A

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.

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4/8/13 9:01 A

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4/6/13 1:05 A

lol

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4/5/13 7:54 P

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

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4/4/13 10:51 P

it is a good way to start the day

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4/4/13 9:04 A

That started my day with a chuckle! Thanks.

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4/3/13 8:54 P

lol

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4/2/13 10:02 P

Sitting in the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car pattering along at 22mph. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.



Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ..the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189.

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3/29/13 9:43 P

cute

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3/29/13 1:23 A

Murphy's Other 14 Laws :
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Collingwood would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

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3/29/13 12:21 A

oh my lol

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3/28/13 11:52 P

There is a new monk. He is assigned to helping the other monks
in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.



He notices, however, that all of the monks
are copying from copies, not from the original
manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the
head abbot to question this, pointing out that
if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that
error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.




The head monk, says, 'We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'


He goes down into the dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original manuscripts
are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down
to look for him. He sees him banging his head
against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the %*@# R !"
His forehead is all bruised and he is
crying uncontrollably. The young monk
asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,'The word was...







c e l e b R a t e!!!!!!

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3/28/13 11:37 P

lol

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3/28/13 11:27 P

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

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3/28/13 11:26 P

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

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3/24/13 11:26 P

lol

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3/24/13 10:46 P

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."


"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I am celebrating"

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence." said the farmer.

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is awesome," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster," he said.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

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3/23/13 1:08 A

ohhhh

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3/22/13 10:19 P

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him

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3/22/13 10:11 P

lol

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3/22/13 1:58 A

A male frog went to a psychic.

The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class.

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3/21/13 10:19 P

so cute

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3/21/13 3:19 A

Okay, so a Texas rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine.

The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?"

Mainer: "Bout 10 acres I'd say."

Texan (boasting): "Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!"

Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."

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3/21/13 2:43 A

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay
her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born..
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

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3/18/13 11:31 P

cute thanks lol

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3/18/13 1:43 P

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

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3/16/13 11:17 P

giggles and hubby too

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3/16/13 5:19 P

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind LickManeuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

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3/16/13 12:48 A

good one

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3/16/13 12:28 A

Husband takes his wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says:
"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

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3/15/13 10:43 P

thanks

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3/15/13 8:49 A

Good one!

47 Days since:  NO Junk Food Snacks

0 12 25 37

50

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3/14/13 10:17 P

lol

current weight: 195.0

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3/14/13 12:49 P

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!

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3/9/13 12:51 A

lol

current weight: 195.0

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3/9/13 12:30 A

A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,” the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,” replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “They’ve had to call in three other doctors as well.

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3/4/13 10:32 P

lol

current weight: 195.0

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3/4/13 10:14 A

A young guy from rural Kansas moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in rural-Kansas ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job."You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job ... was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

"How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.

Then I sold him a medium fish hook.

Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said,

"Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing."

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3/3/13 10:19 P

yes

current weight: 195.0

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3/3/13 8:00 P

Two elderly people living in Fort Myers, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

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3/1/13 9:27 P

lol

current weight: 195.0

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3/1/13 9:56 A

Three visitors go to London, climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.

The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.

The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.

"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

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2/27/13 11:16 P

lol what little ones say

current weight: 195.0

235 213.75 192.5 171.25

150