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SLOLOSER's Photo SLOLOSER Posts: 8,646
12/27/10 10:04 P

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New Year's Day Prayer for One and All

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

Diane

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"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese proverb


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SLOLOSER's Photo SLOLOSER Posts: 8,646
12/21/10 8:00 A

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What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?










There's NoŽl! (no L)

Diane

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"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese proverb


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SLOLOSER's Photo SLOLOSER Posts: 8,646
12/15/10 12:18 A

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What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

Diane

Bustin' that Bulge on a Budget!
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"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese proverb


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SLOLOSER's Photo SLOLOSER Posts: 8,646
11/30/10 8:47 A

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Who is never hungry at Thanksgiving?





The turkey - he's always stuffed !

Diane

Bustin' that Bulge on a Budget!
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"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese proverb


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SLOLOSER's Photo SLOLOSER Posts: 8,646
10/31/10 10:01 P

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Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? emoticon

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emoticon He didn't have a haunting license.

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Q. What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?

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Wrap!

Diane

Bustin' that Bulge on a Budget!
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"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese proverb


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SUGARSMOM2 SparkPoints: (149,270)
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10/16/10 1:45 P

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you all are so funny . it is a laugh a day . keep up the jokes they are funny.

sugarsmom2 donna wva


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SLOLOSER's Photo SLOLOSER Posts: 8,646
10/16/10 10:38 A

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What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit !

Diane

Bustin' that Bulge on a Budget!
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"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese proverb


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10/2/10 1:32 P

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funny have me rolling over laughing . and that was the choir right .? emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

sugarsmom2 donna wva


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JATHUENER's Photo JATHUENER SparkPoints: (21,511)
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9/28/10 2:35 P

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well the only one i can think of at the minute is
this one:

called into a Weight Loss Hotline stated that if you would like to lose a half a pound right now to press 1 eighteen thousand times.

Edited by: JATHUENER at: 10/2/2010 (21:31)
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SLOLOSER's Photo SLOLOSER Posts: 8,646
9/3/10 8:36 A

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A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and
were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts
about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself
because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie
stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister
decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked
with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of
their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales
prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected
on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You
are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church
last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a
professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly
a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did
you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the
minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the
contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in
just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in
unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the
minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to
accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read
it t-to y-y-you??"

Diane

Bustin' that Bulge on a Budget!
teams.sparkpeople.com/bbb

"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese proverb


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SLOLOSER's Photo SLOLOSER Posts: 8,646
9/2/10 8:25 A

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A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire." "Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked. "A billionaire."

Diane

Bustin' that Bulge on a Budget!
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"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese proverb


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SLOLOSER's Photo SLOLOSER Posts: 8,646
8/24/10 6:48 A

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While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

Diane

Bustin' that Bulge on a Budget!
teams.sparkpeople.com/bbb

"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese proverb


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SLOLOSER's Photo SLOLOSER Posts: 8,646
8/21/10 7:47 A

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A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."

"You're right, " the guy says, "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before will you give me a drink?"

"You have a deal my friend," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar, it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gerswhin.

"You're right I haven't heard anyting like that before," says the bartender. "The hamster is really gifted."

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.

"Watch this," replies the guy.

Again, he reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."

Edited by: SLOLOSER at: 8/21/2010 (07:48)
Diane

Bustin' that Bulge on a Budget!
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"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese proverb


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KITTY1970's Photo KITTY1970 Posts: 5,005
8/20/10 2:41 P

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Why did the farmer throw the clock off the mountain?
He wanted to see time fly.
The dog went over the mountain. What did the farmer say when he saw this?
Dog gone.
Oldie but goodies

Every time I rely on Jesus He never lets me down.
Faith + grace = salvation


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SLOLOSER's Photo SLOLOSER Posts: 8,646
8/20/10 8:54 A

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Post your jokes here!

Let's try and be careful and choose jokes that won't offend anyone! We want good feelings here. No anger.

Here's one I found posted on another team - it's even budget related!

``````````````````````````````

When a guy's printing on his printer began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Edited by: SLOLOSER at: 8/20/2010 (12:25)
Diane

Bustin' that Bulge on a Budget!
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"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese proverb


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