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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
7/11/14 12:39 P

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For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, "Can you give me one good reason we should hire you?"

"Because I fit in the chairs." She got the job.


Sandie from SC
HIMELISSA2007's Photo HIMELISSA2007 Posts: 308
6/17/14 11:22 P

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This sounds like me. I can be so absent minded like these ladies. But I dont think age has anything to do with it. I have always been silly this way. Life is so silly sometimes. Thank you for the humor.

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in our own sunshine.

~~~Ralph Waldo Emerson~~~


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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
5/22/14 6:23 A

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Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
4/4/14 6:46 A

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Life Before the Computer

a memory was something that you lost with age
an application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a curser used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
a web was a spider's home
a virus was the flu
a cd was a bank account
a hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and if you had a 3-1/2 floppy
......you just hoped nobody found out.



Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
3/26/14 7:09 A

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A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
3/14/14 12:17 P

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What's in a name?

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.

A good clean joke is hard to find these days - pass it on!

Sandie from SC
SUEPERWOMAN Posts: 3,351
3/12/14 8:06 P

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
3/8/14 4:17 P

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What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
3/3/14 12:20 A

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GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up.


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
2/25/14 8:24 A

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The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?"

"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

"Well, what does it do?" they queried.

"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool. But how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"


from: Mickey's Funnies



Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
2/14/14 11:38 A

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If grownups have trouble figuring out what love is and where to find it in the right places, then maybe they should seek the wisdom of wee bains:

"When you fall in love, I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen,6 )

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place... we were behind a tree." (Cary, 7)

"On the first date, most people tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 8)

"Falling in love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"Lovers hold hands to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
2/4/14 7:08 A

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The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Sandie from SC
MRILEY123's Photo MRILEY123 Posts: 1,670
2/3/14 4:00 P

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Ha ha!

OK, I did think of another joke, but again, you have to guess the answer:

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

Martha
Indiana -- EST

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. (Psalm 90:14)


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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
2/3/14 9:47 A

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A 4-year-old boy was playing with his toy cars on the floor next to his bed. He suddenly noticed all the dust under his bed and screamed for his mother.

His mother rushed to his room to find her son sitting on the floor with a very puzzled look on his face.

Mother: "What's wrong?"

Son: "Remember today in church when the preacher said we all came from dust and are going back to dust?"

Mother: "Yes"

Son: "Well, there's someone under my bed but I don't know if they're coming or going."

from: Mickeys Funnies

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
2/1/14 12:12 A

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It really isn't dumb, what threw me was "middle name"

Sandie from SC
MRILEY123's Photo MRILEY123 Posts: 1,670
1/31/14 9:03 P

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Actually, you got it. They both have the same middle name! (It's dumb, but it's the only joke I know.)


Martha
Indiana -- EST

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. (Psalm 90:14)


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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
1/31/14 5:17 P

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That is hard. The only thing I can see is they both have "the" in their name, but that doesn't sound right.

Sandie from SC
MRILEY123's Photo MRILEY123 Posts: 1,670
1/31/14 5:10 P

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Give up? (on my joke from previous post...) Take a guess!

Martha
Indiana -- EST

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. (Psalm 90:14)


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MRILEY123's Photo MRILEY123 Posts: 1,670
1/29/14 2:05 P

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What do John-the-Baptist and Winne-the-Pooh have in common?

Martha
Indiana -- EST

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. (Psalm 90:14)


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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
1/29/14 7:26 A

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Steve noticed that Dewey was looking depressed, and asked what was wrong.

"Well," said Dewey, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Steve.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."

"That's easy," said Steve. "You just say 'Of course I will'."

"Yeah," said Dewey, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
12/8/13 1:56 P

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A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge 'n' Mary." emoticon


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
11/19/13 7:31 A

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Dewey was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Dewey, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Dewey took a step backward. "Ah ... no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."

"No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get In!"

Dewey's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver's face softened. "Please," he said, "I've been driving up and down for an hour. I can't find a space to park and I want yours."

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
11/15/13 2:26 A

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Self-defense instructor: "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

Student: "BIG ones."

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
11/14/13 8:00 A

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Little Dewey is in art class. The art teacher looks at his blank paper and asks, "What are you drawing?"

Dewey answers, "A cow eating grass."

"Where's the grass?"

"The cow ate it."

"Oh...well, what about the cow?"

"She ran away."

from: Mickey'sFunnies


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
11/8/13 7:12 A

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On my way to a church picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to order a quart of potato salad.

"We don't sell it by the quart," the clerk snapped.

"Okay, then give me two pints, please," I replied.

I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked, "Do you want it in one container?"

from: MickeysFunnies


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
10/24/13 8:05 A

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Little Johnny was at his first day of pre school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart." Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart." After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?" "Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
10/23/13 2:37 P

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The Blonde And The Milkman

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
10/4/13 4:52 A

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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

Edited by: GMASANDIE at: 10/23/2013 (14:39)
Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
10/1/13 2:43 A

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Aboard an airline flight from Europe to America, Grandma Bern was taking her very first flight.

They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine," she said. "Now that we've arrived, would you tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

from: Mickey'sFunnies

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
9/27/13 8:13 A

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TECH SUPPORT PROBLEM

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Okay."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Okay. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Okay, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click.' Twice!"

(my computer skills are not much, but think I have this guy beat)


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
9/25/13 11:26 A

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One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked "What is the Gross National Product?". The little boy pondered for a minute and replied "Spinach? Broccoli?"



Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
9/21/13 7:42 A

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The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?"

"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

"Well, what does it do?" they queried.

"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool...but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
9/18/13 4:25 A

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WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool"

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
9/17/13 6:45 A

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A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
9/11/13 12:39 A

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A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
9/9/13 7:18 A

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The airhead tried to sell his old car. He was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day he mentioned his problem to a friend he worked with. The friend told him, "There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the airhead, "as long as I can sell the car."

"Okay," said the friend. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell." The following weekend, the airhead made the trip to the mechanic.

A month later, the friend asked the airhead, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the airhead, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

from: Mickeys Funnies

Edited by: GMASANDIE at: 9/9/2013 (07:18)
Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
9/8/13 12:13 A

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A three-year-old opened the birthday gift from his grandmother and discovered it was a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
His mother was not so pleased. She turned to her mother and said, "I'm surprised at you, Mother! Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

The grandmother smiled sweetly and replied, "I remember."

from mikeysFunnies



Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
9/4/13 10:29 A

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A man was working in his backyard when a little neighbor boy stopped by. "Whatcha doin'?" said the little boy.

The man replied, "I'm putting fertilizer on my strawberries."

"Oh," the little boy said, "My mom puts whipped cream on ours." emoticon

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
9/3/13 8:21 A

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An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
9/2/13 12:23 A

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Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
9/1/13 12:15 A

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A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The 4-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh...I know what *you've* been doing."

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
8/31/13 7:35 A

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A Georgia Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are yodumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.” “Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage."



Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
8/27/13 8:37 A

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This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting in the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said... “FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
8/21/13 7:31 A

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My Mom texted me: "What do IDK, LY
& TTYL mean?"

I answered: "I don't know, love you,
talk to you later."

Mom: "OK, I'll ask your sisters!"

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
8/18/13 8:32 A

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The $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs..'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES !' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!
We"ve been around the block more than once!


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
8/9/13 7:18 A

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My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. James 1:2-4


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
8/7/13 5:22 P

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Dad #1: "My son is so smart that when he writes home from college, I have to go to the dictionary."

Dad #2: "You're lucky. When my son writes home, I have to go to the bank."

from - Mikey's Funnies


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
8/3/13 7:44 A

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Ah ya gotta love those senior moments.

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right.

The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"! Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

Yep, it's the golden years!

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
7/17/13 7:28 A

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An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.

Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 41,460
7/15/13 1:15 A

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My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none, the worst backseat driver in the world. I have long thought this, though she would deny it.

She claims she seldom, if ever, makes comments about my driving. I, of course, claim the opposite. And now I have proof!

The other day, we were headed to the mall and my daughter piped up, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"






Sandie from SC
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7/14/13 9:02 A

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Q. How does a Southern Belle call her family to dinner in the summertime?

A. All right, everybody get in the car.

Sandie from SC
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7/8/13 7:56 A

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I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. 'I don't waste money on newspapers! ...Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!




Sandie from SC
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7/1/13 8:44 A

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On the way to preschool, a doctor mom had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

Be still, my heart, thought Mom, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take
your order?"

Sandie from SC
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6/27/13 8:22 A

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Grandmother: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”

Grandchild: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

Sandie from SC
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6/26/13 6:33 A

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Goodbye Mom

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

WHAT? I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things too."

Sandie from SC
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6/20/13 7:03 A

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Blonde Neighbor

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, "what the heck", and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and told me that she was pregnant.

I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great, I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said,

"Wait, there's more."

I asked, "What do you mean there's more?"

She said, "Well, we're not having just one baby,we're going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said..

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had home pregnancy tests in a TWIN-pack. And both tests came out positive!"


Sandie from SC
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6/18/13 6:59 A

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Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me too!"

Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

Give me two reasons why I should go to school" says the son.

Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"


Sandie from SC
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6/17/13 6:43 A

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This isn't a joke, but I didn't know where else to post it....


I didn't believe it...but it's true! TRY IT!

While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.
While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.


Sandie from SC
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5/14/13 6:52 A

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(I think this is cute)

An elderly woman and her little granddaughter, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo.

Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little girl.


Embarrassed, the little girl dropped her head. Her grandmother knelt down next to her. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful."

The girl looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's prettier then freckles."

The little girl thought for a moment, peered intensely into her grandma's face, and softly whispered, " Wrinkles. "


Sandie from SC
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5/10/13 7:51 A

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Being poor...

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school ..
She had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers !

“Sissy from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.“

Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that daddy & you had to make me yourselves."

Sandie from SC
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5/8/13 6:24 A

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My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

Sandie from SC
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4/29/13 7:00 A

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Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard pressed to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two very attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

Sandie from SC
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4/28/13 11:13 A

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What the Customer Wanted

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer, who was walking out the door, and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact,
we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what
was it she wanted?"

"Rain."

Sandie from SC
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4/19/13 11:25 A

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Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:

"First Question: Which tire was flat?"


Sandie from SC
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