(sorry if this is so long, but I honestly have no one else to talk to about this, nobody has to read it, but believe me when I say I honestly have no one else in my life to share this with)
So I just figured out something about myself today. Something I feel that has been bothering me for probably almost my entire life and I never knew how to put words on it until now. One of the reasons I want to lose weight so much is because I felt like if I do this problem would just go away and I would suddenly fit in and be normal, or like how I imagined this social butterfly who most people like and miss and want to associate with is who I have seen in my head as the person I would would be if I was skinny.
Here's the problem: something is wrong with me, and I still don't 100% know what it is. I used to think losing weight would erase it but I don't think so anymore, because looking back this was going on even when I was a skinny little girl. My first day of kindergarden the first thing I hear from kids is "you are fat" and looking back, honestly, I dont feel I was. This may sound like a dumb thing to obsess over but it just expresses how I feel right now: like I can't see things others see, like I am one big walking defected loser, and no one wants to use the word "loser" because it would be wrong and offensive, and we want to believe there are no losers in the world. What if there are? That certainly is what I feel the world is telling me. Or am I the only one? regardless of the fact that it sounds like people being losers is just a word and not a reality?
So what brought this on. Well, I honestly feel like people treat me and talk down to me. I'm the type of person who feels so clueless and has no clue what she is doing, but still tries to do the right thing. Its like I will say something like "Thats so cute." or "thats funny" innocently. And someone will say "um.......it wasn't ment to be cute or funny?" and then I will feel stupid and dumb for ever opening my mouth in the first place. If I say I feel dumb, people say I'm too sensitive. Or I even tell those people sometimes I said it innocently in terms of being myself and making a normal effort to say something sane and then I will hear I'm better than that and should deliberetly stop acting dumb. It feels like I seem to think, believe, feel, or what I say, is contradicted, and wrong, but I can never say its wrong because anytime someone says "I am always wrong." No one ever believes you.
And I can give examples. One time in in all honesty i could not get some stupid car door open. And two of my friends told me that yes, I was able to get that door open, but I "subconsciously act like a ditz to get attention." 2 friends sat there nodding their heads. Another time a friend told me "You are an outsider in the world, and always will be, but hey, maybe one day you'll be able to do something great like Einstein, because he was an outsider too." And this was supposed to make me feel better?
Even when I post on these boards I post in dread, I feel some people on here even think I'm not even good enough to be on their friends list because I am such a loser, and because I am so used to being caught off guard by what people say on these message boards. One time I said something which I thought was a normal response, and someone said "poeticblonde, did you just drink a big can of stupid?" (I felt like saying if I did it came from your fridge, but I didn't say anything for some reason because I was so shocked)
These are just a few tiny of examples of how I feel the world is trying to tell me there is something wrong with me. Wow, another time there was this guy I knew who befriended every single girl EXCEPT me. He made an effort to be friends with everyone OTHER than me, I thought maybe it was because of my weight, but then he befriended another girl who was twice my size. What the heck is going on here? Why am I such a disease all the time?
What do all these situations add up to? What is God an the universe trying to tell me, or is God ignoring me, am I selfish and dumb to think there is a hidden message here? You might think, hey, maybe these people were just mean or had issues of their own for doing what they did, and I would consider that an option to good to be true because of the fact that there are 9 zillion other accounts of stuff like this happening that I can't fit into an entire post.
At this point, I dont care if I sound like I'm nuts, I am a loser, or if someone says something cruel to me. I've honestly just about heard it all. Its just that I feel like giving up and feel like pulling the trigger on my life when it comes to everything. Dieting, trying to be a singer (which is my big dream, and since I am personality defective and handicapped to success in every single person I knows eyes.....I understand there will be people who try to stop you, but wow, even my own therapist thinks I need to be in a special living problem for the rest of my life and that I will never be a famous singer, why even try if there is so much wrong with me? I dont even know why people associate with me at all. I have even considered the fact maybe I'm evil or really special. Both polar opposites are not fun when all I want to do is fit in.
And I am tired of people saying "everything is in my head too." I may be a ditz and a loser to this world but I'm not dumb enough to not know when people talk down to me. I have no reason to live. Seriously, why live if you are defected no matter what? Does anyone have any advice on this impossible problem, or should we just go ahead and declare me insane and needing serious help.
Edited by: POETICBLONDE at: 1/30/2012 (20:49)
"Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Leader of team Cinderella Sparklers: www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i