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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 813
9/26/14 9:34 P

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My abuser is acting like an idiot and violating the restraining order. It keeps making me wonder how I ever ended up with someone so dumb?

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 813
9/21/14 7:45 P

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Oh yeah, I wanted to share this with everyone. It came from a local organization working with victims of Domestic Violence.

September 2014 marks the 20th Anniversary of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). The passage of VAWA in 1994, and the subsequent re authorizations of VAWA in 2000, 2005, and 2013 have provided hope, safety, and a new chance at life for women and children across our Nation. To commemorate the anniversary, we ask you to join us by wearing PURPLE on the 30TH of SEPTEMBER.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 813
9/21/14 7:42 P

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You know, for me, the anti depressants make such a huge difference, and I cannot help but wonder how my life would have been different if these things had been available to my mothers and grandmothers generation. I know my Grandfather smacked my Grandmother around (back then it was just considered "keeping her in line", it took real monstrosity to be considered abuse) and he probably catted around on her too. She had a history of depression, and my mother still shudders and won't talk about how things were when her mother "got quiet." My mother had her own battles with depression, though not as much in the last 10 years. I can certainly remember a few times that I was baffled by her behavior, though she was very conscious of what she said and did around me. I think if she had understood her own depression I wold have gotten help much sooner, possibly before I was married, and maybe avoided the abuse that I went through, or at least recognized what it was and what it was doing to my children earlier.

Sometimes I wonder how the pioneers managed to settle America, with things so "primitive." Then I wonder if our current conditions, including the increases in depression, might not be the result of our "progress."

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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RESTORETOSANITY Posts: 283
9/20/14 10:19 A

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I totally get that. For me, I can look back and see a higher power intervened, and if it had been 3 months earlier, or 3 months later, I'm not sure I would have reacted in the way I did, to get help. I did a huge amount of footwork, but my higher power works through people, and other people started the ball rolling for me.

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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 813
9/19/14 1:21 A

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I almost wish my depression was seasonal so I could anticipate it.

It's funny, now that I have more people in my life that are positive, I can look back and sort of understand how ill I was when I was with people who were not positive. In retrospect, I feel like an angel stepped in and saved me, kicking my patootie into gear rather than letting me become submerged in the crazy.

Thank goodness for Guardian angels!

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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RESTORETOSANITY Posts: 283
9/13/14 9:16 A

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For awhile, I had to be careful about who I let in, and how far I let them in. I had to surround myself with people who believed and who had faith in me, and not try too hard with anyone else, until I got my own footing.

Depression is, for me, exactly like you describe, at least in the beginning. Eventually I needed some medical intervention, but nowadays it seems limited to Seasonal Affective Disorder. Started using my light box already this year :)

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9/13/14 4:22 A

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Your not crazy. We all feel that way. My family did not believe me at first when I came out about my abuse; as a child and in my first marriage; but if they dont believe you that is THEIR issue, not yours. You dont have to prove anything to anyone. Also, dont second guess yourself. Because that can then feel like you are being abused all over again. Dont give anyone that power over you.

You are a blessing and please dont forget it.

Tina

I will not allow the tragedies in my life to become a negative influence in the world.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 813
9/12/14 4:51 P

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Depression, for me, is like slogging through mud that gets increasingly deeper and stickier. Sometimes I get so exhausted I fall down in it and, if it weren't that I don't want to scare my daughters, I am not sure I would get back up. The hardest part, for me, is wondering if anyone takes what I say about my ex seriously, or do they just think I am crazy? Am I crazy?

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 813
9/8/14 12:55 A

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I love the idea of Ripples! It's something I often contemplate, actually...if I drop a pebble in the ocean here, will they be surfing that wave in Hawaii? If I do an act of kindness today, will 10 more people do an act of kindness by the end of the week?

I think I WILL blog about this. First though, I gotta ask the people on this thread... what ripples have you experienced?

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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9/7/14 11:30 P

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OMG! This is beautiful! Have you blogged about it? I can if you don't wish to, though I would credit you as a emoticon only, unless you want others to know. I just think it's a grand story that might help many more people out there. If you don't care to share it, I would title the blog "Ripples"--which you can use if you want to do the honors, Amy. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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9/7/14 5:19 P

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This is awesome! So glad that you did that & that she is going to blossom from it

Tina

I will not allow the tragedies in my life to become a negative influence in the world.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 813
9/7/14 5:03 P

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Today I took a dry erase marker and wrote on my bathroom mirror "This is what beautiful looks like!" I enjoyed it and my daughters loved it, and my daughters friend (a heavy young girl with iffy self esteem) asked if she could borrow my marker for her house. Her mom called me later. Apparently she wrote on her mirror "See the beautiful girl" and at first her Mother was upset, but then as she looked in the mirror with her daughter she understood. She says she's going to make an effort to tell her baby how pretty she is every day.

Isn't it wonderful how things work in cycles? If I hadn't been reading this thread I never would have thought to do that, my daughters would not have shown their friend, her mom would not have thought to be gentle with her girl...

Thanks everybody.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 27,202
9/1/14 10:07 P

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Yes, Ive been working on this praising myself only for a short time and it is wonderful.
What a difference it makes.

No wonder criticism does not work well to improve many people. It just puts another nail in my coffin. Praising myself makes me feel alive, alert, happy and wanting to succeed.
I am learning, so I praise myself for trying when I fail. What a relief to realise I do not have to be perfect. I am human. None of us is perfect.

Woo hoo.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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9/1/14 1:21 A

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I'm working on breaking a related mental habit. Rather than reliving ugly, traumatic memories, I imagine ugly, traumatic things happening where strangers threaten me or inflict harm, and I often feel powerless to stop them. When I find myself going down that path, I try to conjure more positive images, or focus on positive things. I like your practice of praising yourself, Wispy.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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8/31/14 6:48 P

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I agree Sue. That is such a good saying, I never heard it before. He does it once and we keep on beating ourselves with same stick. Put like that it makes perfect sense of my life.

Starting to love an nurture and give myself happy positive messages has made a big difference.
This I am sure is in part though because I no longer hear the negative ones coming from others.
I praise myself these days for all the good things I do every day and I no longer blame myself if I mess up. I praise myself for learning. I always thought I had to be perfect. No one is perfect. It has taken a long time to learn this and stop trying to be. I am the same as everyone else. I do not have to be best at anything to be loveable. I had thought since childhood I had to be the best at everything to even hope to get affection. I never got it, at least to my way of thinking. Then I discovered we are all loveable whether we succeed or fail, makes no difference. I do not need to be perfect to be acceptable.
What a relief.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 813
8/30/14 10:35 P

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You know, as I am slowly getting better (or at least, going insane less quickly) I've realized that the old saying is true...the first time he does it, he's doing it to me, but every time I think about it later, I am the one doing it to me. I've spent a lot of time saying the serenity prayer. Today I did something I wanted to do instead of had to do.

I think that abuse robs one of ones ability to nurture oneself, makes one repeat the events in their mind, trying to figure out what they could have done to prevent the situation even though very often there is nothing to be done.

I also think I want to figure out a way to get over that. And maybe sneak in a nap.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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8/24/14 6:12 A

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Think I mentioned maybe that I had trouble with kind of bullying at one job I had. There was one woman who was a real troublemaker, well in my opinion. I had been worrying about her and actually not wanting to go to work and then a helpful friend suggested I try a totally different approach and do something nice for her. It seemed like it couldn't make things any worse and I didn't make a big deal of it.
I took her in an African violet if I remember correctly. I don't remember why, but maybe I knew she liked them. Anyway the idea was to do something that I knew she would enjoy. Well have to tell you, she shut up after that and tried to be pleasant. I was never friends with her, but it was very pleasant to have a different atmosphere in the department.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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8/24/14 12:00 A

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I keep catching myself spending too much of my time thinking about some of the unkind things 2 individuals at work have said or done, or what I should say to them, and then I wonder why I'm wasting so much of my time and mental energy on them, and reacting to them, rather than on doing & creating and experiencing what I want. I don't want to let them steal my attention, inner peace or confidence, or interfere with my enjoyment of life or making progress toward my goals. I know my situation is not as extreme as yours, Amy, but I find myself wanting to spend less time reacting to them, and more time making my own choices and forging my own experience. And I want to remember to be patient and compassionate with myself, even when I fall into reactive mode, or I'm disappointed that I let them get to me. I'm learning, and growing, and I don't have to be perfect in order to get stronger.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 27,202
8/23/14 5:09 A

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I have found great strength in being part of a group to help me maintain my confidence.
It is good to be with others who share our current issues.
I joined a Victim Support Group, but there are many different groups who help people who are in, or have been in abusive relationships. Perhaps there is one in your area, or online.

It is something that has helped me so much and continues to do so.

Hugs Wispy



"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 813
8/23/14 1:59 A

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I have been struggling somewhat lately. My ex has been up to his old tricks, but there are no witnesses, and I'm afraid I am losing credibility with the police. I'm snappish with my kids. I realized that the ex is getting exactly what he wanted...control of my emotions. I am making an appointment to get back on anti depressants so that he doesn't take my new found confidence.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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8/1/14 11:44 P

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emoticon It's wonderful that you can recognize your growing strength. Some survivors go on to find sensitive and supportive partners. I haven't found one yet, and would like to. But I would much rather be in no relationship than a toxic or harmful one! And I have enjoyed building a strong and nurturing relationship with myself an my various internal parts. That has been vastly rewarding.

emoticon for sharing your success with us! emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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8/1/14 9:55 P

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Woo hoo Salam, I am in agreement with Freebird. What you did and even more important what you felt are just great examples of freedom from the suffocating control we used to live with.

You are doing very well. Keep up the good work. We are right here behind you.

Hugs Wispy.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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8/1/14 3:48 A

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Way to go! For not letting him get to you. That is a big thing, it means YOU have the power! he no longer controls you, YOU control you. Proud of you. It might seem like a little thing, but it an AWESOME thing. I do agree that you need to recognize a good relationship from a bad one. Once you do you will be truly happy. You will have gotten to a place of love for yourself and love for one other who will love you unconditionally the same way you love them.

Again, be proud of yourself for being a stronger more awesome you! Take care of yourself and Have a blessed day.

Tina

I will not allow the tragedies in my life to become a negative influence in the world.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 813
8/1/14 1:27 A

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I feel as though I am getting stronger. On the 21st my ex blocked my car while I tried to exit the library. I knew it was him because he made a sign and hung it out his window. At first it stressed me out...not because I was threatened, but how was I going to talk to a cop about this when I had to get to class? I got the kids to the babysitter ( they saw him and thought he was being dumb) and called the cops, went to class (which I had to leave when the cops called me back with a "He did what? You're sure it was him? Did you know when you married him that he's not very smart?" (that part made me laugh). When we went to court the next day his lawyer tried to bargain with me, saying he was under control. I told her what happened...the victim advocate who was with me had a hard time keeping a straight face when I told the lawyer what had happened the previous afternoon...the lawyer just shook her head, sighed heavily, and walked away. I almost felt bad for her. It can be hard to be the brains of the operation...

Since then I've been doing a lot of introspection. I don't ever want to be married again, but I would like to be in a mutually respectful relationship. I think I need to learn how to recognize what that looks like ...

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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6/29/14 11:23 P

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For me, it is an ongoing journey. I think of you as a survivor because you have taken the first step to recovery and are looking into getting help for yourself and your children. You are aware you have been abused and are doing something about it.

In my case the more my head cleared and belonging to the Victim Abuse Group was a big part of that journey - the more I realised I was a survivor.

Its a bit like being tossed into stormy seas. I would think of a survivor as starting that journey the second they hung on to a piece of drifting timber and reached out for help to achieve that.

You have taken that step.

I sure know about energy vampires. Many people in my life were like that. I discovered later it was because I attracted them like a magnet. I do not mean it was my fault. As I had no idea I thought of myself as a victim at that time.
I used to wonder why when I had read like attracts like.

However I learned that victim and abuser attract each other. I recognise abusers now - I may not always be right, but I give those people a wide berth and I am a much stronger person in many ways now than I was then.

Don't know if we have talked about Co-dependecy. But I read a book by Melodie Beatty called Codependent No More and that opened my eyes to a lot of things that helped me understand what was going on in my life.

Edited by: -WISPY- at: 6/29/2014 (23:25)
"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 813
6/29/14 9:53 P

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Thank you so much for your responses. I am looking into counseling for me and the kids. You know, I used to wish my husband would just hit me and get it over with. I know from the way he keeps trying to psyche me out that I could never trust him again, and with his mood swings, I am really hoping he is limited to supervised visitation with the kids. I can honestly say we are all lighter and more relaxed when he's not around. I used to call him an energy vampire, because he just sucked it all out. With him gone my house is cleaner, I am more rested, and I can form a sentence without overthinking it.

I would like to know, though...How do you know when you've stopped being a victim and become a survivor?

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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6/22/14 10:47 P

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I would agree with the women who shared that in your group.

I too belonged to a victims support group and although my husband was also physically abusive, it was far and away the constant daily emotional and mental abuse that caused the deepest suffering. His words ate away at my self esteem and it even seemed that the things he said might be true. I was never really sure it wasn't all my fault. My childhood was spent in a similar fashion. Kids frequently think it is their fault when things are wrong at home and I had that in spades. Really my husband just confirmed all my worst fears.

It was wonderful to hear others with similar stories and a girl said one day. It's like we all married the same man.... and indeed it could have been so.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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RESTORETOSANITY Posts: 283
6/22/14 9:49 A

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...and I would say as well, counseling specifically for domestic violence right now would be crucial. You are at the stage learning appropriate boundaries with someone you no longer want a relationship with but for now, at least, have to interact with in regards to the kids. This means lots of stuff can be off limits for interactions with him, if you want it to be. I was in a relationship that was emotionally and mentally abusive; the domestic violence counselors were the ones who took me seriously and helped me set boundaries, as well as women in the dv support group. Women who experienced what I thought was "worse" abuse told me they found the physical abuse aspect easier to deal with than the emotional/mental abuse, and totally supported my being there.

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6/21/14 2:29 A

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Thank you for sharing your story with us.

What I posted underneath is my own story and how I dealt with the trauma. Perhaps you are not at a place to leave your husband, but want to find a way of living with him and make your marriage work. Many people do this.

There is a very good fellowship called Al Anon to which I belonged for many years. This is a group for the family and friends of alcoholics - your man may not be an alcoholic, but if his drinking is affecting your life together you would find understanding and help from others who have experienced similar problems to your own and the programme could help you discover what you really want to do for yourself and your family.

Hugs Wispy




"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 813
6/21/14 2:00 A

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You know, I think I owe you all an explanation.

I left my husband in January 2012, and took my kids to a safe house. I lived there a month, then stayed with a cousin for a few months. I had a lot of trouble getting cops and the legal system to take me seriously because the abuse was all verbal and emotional. By the time I left I was pretty crazy, having had an emotional affair (I thought I was in love, this guy thought I really needed therapy). My husband was waking me up every 2 hours, drugging me with sleeping pills, disabled our car, calling me incessantly...I was crazy and scared. I also got a lot of bad legal advice. I am still quite bitter about what happened when I tried to file police reports and get a restraining order. Let's just say that even with well known therapists saying that my behavior was consistent with abuse, he still had the freedom to stalk me.

Eventually I moved into my Grandparents mobile home, which my uncle graciously let me stay in. I have had great difficulty finding work, but I am back in school to get my teaching credentials. My ex would come over all the time to "see the kids" though he rarely interacted with them, and we consistently saw a counselor (court ordered) to be better co-parents, but he thought that meant "a couple." Unfortunately, he also used that time to steal papers, including all my legal records and journals, specifically the ones I kept in the safe house. He even went on mood stabilizing medication for awhile, and we got along well at that time. Then he went off of it, and started drinking again, and, well, here I am, going through the restraining order process again...

My goal is to recognize abuse and manipulative behavior before I get sucked into it. Also to discover what of me is authentic and how much is just programming from others.When I am away from him my mind seems so much clearer, and my kids and I are so much happier. Also to help my kids stay away from it. My great fear is that my girls will either be emotionally abused or become abusers. I can see it going either way.


What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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6/20/14 6:16 P

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Oh sweetheart. I have to tell you in many ways that has been the story of my life. I grew up feeling that way. And I so understand what you are saying. I then married a man who was similar. I was always in the wrong and according to him made him do whatever abusive thing he happened to be doing.
Therapy was a big necessity in my life and reading has also helped me enormously. Finding out I was not alone was wonderful, I really thought I was insane - and I was so confused about life and people and everything. In fact I had very little idea of right and wrong. Not in major matters like killing, stealing etc, but in normal everyday interactions. I could not distinguish between what was real and what was not and I recall in my teen years watching how other people behaved and what they said and did just so that I could appear to fit in.

I had no judgement at all of what was appropriate. The things I had been taught were the things I believed to be true. Abusive husbands are a similar case in point. In fact many of us who have been abused as children just go on and find an abusive partner who will continue treating us in a similar way. It is what we know and recognise.

I discovered in counselling that every voice in my head was someone elses. All the old tapes and messages were what ruled my life.

Finding my own voice did take some time and realising that it was not my own voice I was hearing was the first step. I was on my way to finding myself. So you have started your journey. This is very good news.

Writing was my biggest tool along the way. It was a technique I learned very early on in my "recovery" journey. Free fall writing. Sitting down with pen and paper or on the computer these days, if you prefer and writing whatever comes into your head. The main thing is absolutely no censorship. If you think it, write it no matter how crazy, wicked or insane it may sound. Just let it pour out like a flow of water. No thinking, no wondering, and no changing or crossing out. Let the writing come.
Some people have trouble with this at first and find when they sit down to write they cannot think of anything to say.
I was told to write down, "I dont know what to say." "I cant think of anything." Every thought that comes into your head right it down. "This is stupid" "I dont want to do this". "I hate God". That is one that scared me witless. I was terrified of a judgemental God and going to Hell for writing those words. It was pointed out to me whether I wrote it or not made no difference. It was already in my head and heart so God knew.

It does not seem to matter how long it takes to get started. Making the time to do this pays off. In the end I found it so interesting I was spending a lot of time discovering myself. First off I found out I had no idea what I liked or disliked in almost every area of my life. I tended to please others and just do what they wanted to do.

Just by writing I began to find out things about myself. Slowly discovering things I did and did not like is an interesting journey. I had to try all sorts of things to discover what I actually did or did not like, what sort of music I liked and did not, etc etc.

Hope this may be helpful. If not other people have other approaches. There are no right or wrong ways. Perhaps something someone else will appeal to you.

I tried many things that are great for others, but do not necessarily work for, or appeal to me.

But this was another part of my journey, finding this out. People recommend books and particular teachers etc. because these things help them and they want to share, like I have just done with mentioning the writing. This helped me. Other things help others.

If you try different things you will find your own path. It is an individual journey and we support one another to find their own truth.

Hugs Wispy


Edited by: -WISPY- at: 6/20/2014 (18:27)
"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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6/20/14 12:40 P

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My question is this...How do you know when you are acting sanely? My ex has had me so convinced that I was insane, that I did not act logically, that I was too naive to truly know and understand people. Even when what he was doing didn't make any sense, there seemed to be some way he could justify or deny his behavior, until I found myself thinking that I had imagined it. Even now, he puts so much pressure on me that I'm never sure if I am making a rational decision. I often find it's his voice in my head telling me I'm wrong or bad or failing my kids. How do I find my own voice?

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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I am so in agreement with everything you say. These are the things that help me as well.
For along while I was too scared or something...not sure why looking back, but I would not go. I wanted only one on one counselling. Then finally getting to a group was the best thing I ever did and I became a group fan. I have joined all sorts to help me work through many issues in the last 40 or 50 years. The self help ones seem to suit me best in the main for all the reasons Restore to Sanity has mentioned.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
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Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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4/13/14 9:49 A

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Sorry so late to reply, Monica, I'm really behind on all my sparkblogs.
I just wanted to say that lots of things have helped me, but one thing I did recently was go back to a support group. Counseling on and off has been good for me, but there's something about the group process that really speeds things up for me. The identification, seeing how others go through their process, the support...for some of the most recent stuff, it's been Adult Children of Alcoholics and other Dysfunctional Families. Groups help me not feel alone, and bring me out of myself. Your mileage may vary (in other words, groups may not be for you), but some of the most awesome people I've met are people in recovery from some of the most awful stuff. Hang in there!

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4/11/14 11:26 P

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Right back at you sweetie. So wish we could wave a magic wand over us all. xx

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
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"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
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Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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4/11/14 12:08 A

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Thank you Wispy!

emoticon



Just Get Started!


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4/8/14 8:45 P

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Hi Monica,

I hear you my dear. I too have had depression since a child - and like you had no idea what it was until much later on. It is so like a black cloud that sucks the life out of everything. Many time I have wanted to bury my head under the blankets and never see the light of day again.

From what you write I think you know the answers, in that only we can make the decision and the effort to get moving while the depression is actually with us. I too write and do the things you mention. I am a big Tolle fan and have been practicing daily the work with the pain body for the last 6 months. It is not a speedy one pill cures all remedy but I no longer fight what is going on inside. I am accepting that it is there and 'holding it' like he suggests rather than trying to get away from it. Some days I find myself getting up and doing things that I had not even consciously thought I would do and once I start the depression is lessened.

Another thing that helps me is being kind to other people and focusing on their needs - in fact working towards making their days happier.

Sometimes I will retreat into my shell for a few days and just take care of myself. I have been doing reparenting of my inner child for the last 20 or so years. This is another thing that has helped me so much. I can now talk to her when she is hurting and she trusts me and knows that no matter what I love her and will bot abandon her. I feel better after we talk and I feel her settle down. The PTSD seems to be another thing most of us with abuse issues do suffer with.

Acceptance of everything that comes up has been the biggest help for me. Just to accept it is there and what am I going to do about it. There is no way to change the past. I also have got the biggest blessing from learning how to forgive and bless those who abused me. I came to realise they, as all of us do, are behaving in the only way that is possible to us at any given point in time. If they had been better able to, they would have treated me differently.

None of this stuff is easy to do, but pain is a great incentive when it comes to changing the way we look at things.

Please feel free to vent any time here. That in itself relieves some of the pressure. It is so easy to think Why me? Then comes the thought regardless of that, it is what it is and only I can do anything to help alleviate it.

Sending you warm and loving hugs.

Wispy

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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4/8/14 12:04 A

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emoticon

I've been struggling with depression and it has been really rough. I haven't exercised in awhile because of how I am feeling... pretty low! I haven't been sleeping so well either and it is taking its toll on my health and overall wellbeing. I'm trying to get out of this dark hole but it seems harder each day because of the things going on in my life, how it is going and of course... the past! My husband had a good talk with me and has always and still is very supportive and loving for what I go through. This stuff has effected my health, life, and relationships with others. I am reading self help books to help give me that push to be better again. Dr. Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Louise L. Hay and so many others have helped me in so many positive ways through depression. I've suffered from depression since a child. But as a child, I didn't understand what was happening to me. I've seen counsellors since the age of 20 years old. No one could truly help and understand the type of emotional and mental pain I was suffering from and with. I've tried so many methods to help ease this internal pain but only some things helped in the moment. But reading books have helped me to be stronger and educated me to NOT take crap from anybody no matter who they were. I had to reraise myself and learn what others' already knew due to having a better upbringing than I. My parents were very toxic and abusive throughout my life and still are. They can't get away with same kind of abuse because my husband would not put up with them treating me like that. So they do it when he's not around or in the room. My mother has always been the worst abuser. I'm struggling with all of this inside and I have what you call PTSD. The memories of the abuse and how I was treated never seem to go away. They stay and haunt me almost everyday and especially at night. I've journalled on this for years and the pain still hurts. Depression is a horrible disease of the mind, body and spirit. It steals everything from you! You have to FIGHT hard to get it back!

Just Get Started!


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2/8/14 3:18 P

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Hello there, I see you found this thread before I mentioned it.

I too was a caretaker, in 1975 it was called co-dependency. I had no idea. I did the same as you for all the reasons you mention and others as well.

Caretaking was really my identity - under everything else. I needed to do that in order to be liked and feel worthwhile.

There is a booked Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie, dont know if you have ever read it. It was an eye opener to me and began one of the changes in my life.

I was abused in childhood and also in my second marriage. Often people who have been abused are co-dependent. I was just so used to taking care of others, no idea of what it felt like to be taken care of.

I wanted love in order to survive or at the very least a feeling of being loved. Looking after others filled this need. When I read the Melody Beattie book, I was amazed to find myself on every page. It was like reading the story of my life.

If we can help in any way please keep posting and sharing what you feel comfortable to share. If you prefer to do that in private then sparkmail. I am not of any of the social networks.

Hugs Wispy

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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2/8/14 2:37 P

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I don't know how to stop taking care of everyone else.

I blogged about my relationship with my siblings today. I went from taking care of them, to having my own family. My kids were all born sick and I have basically spent the last 14 years in the hospitals and doctors offices with them. All I have ever done is take care of everyone else.

I had someone tell me once that I need to take time to do me. I don't know how. I am afraid to try. I don't know if I could handle shutting everyone out to focus on my own life. I mean what if I did and everyone was ok with it. Would that mean that I was never needed. That I don't matter to them and maybe never did.

I am not sure what I would even do if I had the opportunity to focus on just me. I mean I know that I would continue to work toward getting healthy. But I think I would end up coming right back to the computer checking in with everyone making sure there lives are staying afloat and seeing what I can do to help.

i have my own dreams. But I am so used to not getting what I want and settling that I am almost ok with them just being dreams. I almost don't expect them to ever be anything more than that.




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There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. ~ Nelson Mandela

Don't compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to the person from yesterday....

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1/24/14 7:28 P

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Janay, I am so pleased you were able to share. I understand the guilt and shame. i experienced them too, and also the awful feeling of guilt at sharing family stuff to anyone outside the family. After sharing I wanted to take it all back and even felt that pherhaps I had imagined it, misunderstood or even made it all up and lied. I was an absoute mess. However it does get better. Sometimes even now I feel guilty for saying all the stuff I did, but I know this is just the conditioning I got in childhood, where I felt guilty and responsible for everything that happened to me..... if only I was loveable instead of bad none of it would ever have happened. Feeling guilty for being abused is much more common than you might think. It is as strang as, or maybe the same as victims who begin to identify with their captors. There is an actual name for that condition.

If you would prefer to talk in private, drop me a line any time, I will be pleased to hear from you.

Hugs Wispy

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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1/24/14 12:39 A

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Thank you Wispy and Blessedbeing for replying to me when I needed it the most. I still can't believe I posted even this much. There have been countless times I have written something out and never actually posted. And even though I didn't go into detail I still feel ashamed I even brought it up. I am so embarrassed I said anything at all. Even though I know on some level that it's healthy I did. But I think I still feel like I'm somehow at fault for whatever happened or maybe it's denial. I don't know but I am definitely going to be putting in the work to get to the place where I can love and accept myself, at least most of the time. I apologize it took me so long to reply back and again emoticon

Counting my blessings or at least trying to! :-)


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1/18/14 9:53 P

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I relate, too, Janaya! Boundary issues can be so huge for those of us who grew up with our boundaries constantly violated by the very people who should have been protecting us. At least that was my case. I can still get mad at myself when I fail to recognize how someone is behaving inappropriately in the moment, like with my experience recently with being scammed.

But just doing the regular inner work with a therapist, a helpful book (The Courage to Heal, 8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery, whatever you find that appeals to you), taking a self-defense class (I loved my months at a women's kung fu school), can all help. I also love rereading Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life (I prefer the gift edition with the pretty illustrations, though I always recommend skipping her first chapter "What I Believe" that always smacks of blaming the victim to me), and how she reminds us that personal growth and the journey to health, healing and wholeness is a process to be celebrated along the way. It's not instant, we aren't going to suddenly be perfect, it's just important to keep loving and accepting ourselves where we are right now.

Wishing you all the best. Thanks for sharing. emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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1/17/14 4:07 P

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Yes, I have been there as well, allowing people to behave inappropriately. In my case it was because I wanted everyone, including them to like me and I would also second guess myself and think I was over reacting and they didnt mean what I thought they meant and a whole chain of stuff which you mention.

For me it was a journey of dealing with my past. I no longer respond to people who I consider cross the line in any way. For instance the people who come to the door selling stuff, including religion. I used to think I had to listen to them as I didnt want to be rude or hurt their feelings - or go to hell if I wasnt kind to them. I had a big fear of going to hell if I was ever rude to anyone or in fact did not treat them with the utmost kindness. As my self worth improved I began to take charge of my life and become willing to be responsible for my actions and accept that regardless of what I did or did not do some people were not going to like me and I also began to deal with the fear I had of people and God. All people in my book were authority figures and I was really afraid of all of them. I just wanted to be liked and feel normal.

I was a people pleaser and in my case thought I was being spiritual. When I began to take a good like inside I began to discover what the payoff was for me. Cant remember the book or teaching that first told me to start looking at the payoffs I got in my life for the way I behaved.
As I started looking at this I got a better idea of who I was. Underneath everything else in my case it was fear of going to Hell. I was so starved of affection and kindness and self worth I would have done anything to receive those things and avoid being burnt in hell for eternity. So sad looking back that I believed I was wicked and evil and that this is what was going to happen to me. I spent my life trying to save myself from this fate, but in spite of everything i tried to do I still felt wicked and guilty and unloveable.

Working on my co-dependency, people pleasing behaviour and reparenting my inner child began to help me.
For those of us who have been abused we really have to work on the inside as well as the outside in order to feel comfortable in our skin.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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1/17/14 12:36 P

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I'm feeling frustrated. I guess I have been losing more inches than weight and it's starting to show because I'm starting to get more attention from the opposite sex and for the most part it's positive but then some creep thinks he can approach me and I feel all the ugly stuff bubble back up. Feeling so completely out of control and at someone else's mercy, the feelings of being trapped, not being able to see the way out. Then I feel the panic start to set in and not till after the fact when I'm away from that person do I start to think about why I gave them the time of day. Why was I patient or kind to them. Why do I put their feelings first and not just walk away or ignore them because I don't want to embarrass them or hurt their feelings even though they deserve it. Especially when they are CLEARLY married. I know on the grand scale he wasn't on the same level as a pedophile but it just felt the same. I guess because of that whole crossing lines that shouldn't be crossed and bringing me into it without my consent. I eventually reached the point I walked away but instead of getting angry with him. I started berating myself. I started to try to blame myself. Did I do something to bring it on? Was I dressed incorrectly, was I behaving in a way that might have made him think it was ok to approach me. The answer was NO!! I was wearing a sweatshirt and black slacks and I was sitting quietly in a waiting area waiting to be called. Then the anger comes and then I start sabotaging my current efforts to become healthy because I am losing the literal and figurative cushion that protects me from these type of advancements. It makes me want to SCREAM that these CREEPS still have ANY power over me. Any advice would be appreciated because some days I just want to give in and give up but then I know I will be giving them the power permanently.

Counting my blessings or at least trying to! :-)


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6/30/13 12:30 A

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So pleased you are able to get this out Amanda and this thread is so exactly the right place to share it.

Sending love and healing.

Wispy

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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6/29/13 11:13 P

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I have to admit, I don't always feel strong enough to read the sharings here, but I value a place where we can talk about the ugly stuff when we need to. I'm "out" on the other 2 teams I co-lead in terms of being an incest survivor, but I don't go into details on them as a rule.

I had a powerful second session with a new therapist--returning after some years away from the process. She had me check in with my body to see if there were any parts that need tending. Sure enough, connected to my neck (one of the sources of my physical issues with the pinched nerve) was a young part who held a lot of tears and sadness. She had been forced to perform oral sex, and holds a lot of physical pain and emotional trauma. It was a very deep and ultimately healing session, and I'm so glad I found this therapist.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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6/27/13 11:43 P

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What you shared originally is exactly why this thread was started. Just so that it could "all bubble out". :)

You are more than welcome.

Hugs Wispy.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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6/27/13 11:12 P

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Thanks Wispy :) It was just kind of bubbling out, and it felt (and looked) a bit much, but I'm glad that it wasn't the issue I thought it was. I'm really thankful this thread is here and I feel better about sharing. Thank you.

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6/27/13 8:38 P

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Your story was fine sweetie from our point of view, but please do what feels comfortable for yourself. This thread is here for venting and getting out everything that needs to be "got out".

:) Hugs Wispy

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
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"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
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Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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6/24/13 4:26 A

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I hope everyone is doing well. I'm sending hugs and love to all who need them.
I felt bad for unleashing my not-so-great day story on the thread, so I moved it. Sorry for that :(
More hugs and love,
Britt

Edited by: ACTOUTLOUD at: 6/26/2013 (00:21)
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6/10/13 9:04 P

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Good for you Robbin. It's always good to vent when we are feeling low, it does help me to change moods. I guess getting the sad stuff out of my head allows the good stuff to come on into my thoughts.

Hugs Wispy

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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6/9/13 11:12 P

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Thank you all for the encouragement and love. I am a survivor. I know that what happened so many years ago was not my fault. I do have many very good days. I will start counting those instead of dwelling on the bad ones.

See you all tomorrow.

As ever and always,
Robbin

Keep believing in yourself. Be your own #1 fan. Make one good choice each day for You. You deserve it. Be kind to yourself.

Let's cheer for each other through triumphs and carry each other through sorrow.


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6/8/13 10:47 P

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Robbin, How wonderful that you now have a loving husband and family. That is such good news.

It is great that you decided to share on this thread. I agree with what has been said about sharing the pain and talking to others who understand. Those who have not been through abuse are often very well meaning in the things they say when they try to help us, but it is only those who have been through it that can truly seem to understand.

There is great book called "Courage to Heal", which was an absolute eye opener to me. I had felt so lonely and isolated. I grew up with an enormous guilt complex which took many years to work through and then like you I came to a place after therapy of realising that none of it was my fault. To actually believe that deep inside myself was a wonderful release.

I married an abusive man and when I finally left him for good the police put me in touch with a Victim Support Group. This has been one of the major blessings in my life. We talked and shared about the various types of abuse we had suffered. The woman who led the group was also a survivor of incest and had reached a place in her own life where she was "clear" of her own stuff and able to comfortably be with us all. I was blessed that she later became my therapist.

I can only share my own journey here, so I only speak for myself but forgiveness is what has set me free. For me it was a long journey to come to a place of being willing to forgive - that in fact was the most difficult part. I had to pray for the willingness to become willing. Then it was suggested that I just needed to pray that all those by name who had harmed me would find all the love joy and peace I wished for myself ( it could also have been all the health wealth and happiness) just whatever your own deepest desires would like for yourself. You just pray that these people who have harmed you may find these blessings as well. I used to grit my teeth and tell my Higher Power, he knew I didn't mean it. But it seems it is not so much what we feel about it, but the act on our part of being willing to say it. Over time, and in my case a long time, I did come to mean it and then later again I came to understand that they too had been abused and were treating me in the only thing they could. Once I began to understand and feel a degree of empathy for them my prayers slowly became more than just words and although they had long since passed on I continued to wish them all those things.

Over time (I am now 73), I have come to realise that every single thing in my life - seemingly good or seemingly bas has all played its part in making me the person I am today, and I love who I am today. It was through forgiveness that I actually came to be able to forgive myself.

When I speak of forgiveness it was suggested to me that I was doing this for myself and that it was not necessary to mean it - this was so important to me. It was the willingness to do it that started my own healing process at depth. I then began re-parenting my hurting inner child. She is now loved and feels safe with me.

Sending you love and healing. Wispy

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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6/8/13 9:12 P

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Willow i totally understand what you are feeling! I can tell you I am glad you went and got help that was empowering and important for you to heal. Let you little self have voice sharing here is a big step. You are amazing, beautiful and wonderful inside and out what happened to you was no your fault and hope you really realize that for me i had so much blame because i would get to go to my loving mom (but he had me terrified that he would kill her) i never said anything to anyone and the two people we went to betrayed us one was my aunt my father sister who was abused by him and she told me to be a good girl and just not make him mad and the other was our local church priest. My father and step mother lived almost 75 miles from my mom and family i would be picked up every friday from my school @ 2;45 PM & would be taken to school Monday @ 7 which meant i had to be up and ready by 4:30am in order to get there; i had to be there but would get to live my guilt and shame and blame would be from me getting to go home while my half siblings even if it was a few days i got to go home summers, spring and winter vacation and oh yes turkey week made to two would all be his. Mine started from the age of 12 court ordered visits stil iwas 19 then i stopped which led to more guilt it wasn't until i got married to my first husband that i removed my two youngest out of there. the other two had already left for college they graduated at a year early each to get out with 4.0 and 3.93 got scholarships and jobs... the two youngest were 12 & 13 when i got them out all i did was threaten to talk and my dad signed over custody. years later in my 30 i started having flashbacks of a son i had given birth too he made me believe he was dead after he took him after 7 days of being born premie to boot because he beat the crap out of me because he knew i was 7 + months pg and mom would now know my son was born b4 i had to go back from summer break My mom never knew until i was in deep therapy and was helped by a therapist and psych team to remember my siblings knew but knew i didn't so they worked with my therapist to help me through it in family group. My ex was wonderful through all this he went back remembering how easy it was to get my younger brothers and did the same we found my neice and son ( my sister too had a child taken) at this point the kids my son was 16 and 14 and he had done the same to them as he had to us thus he went to jail for 14 served 10 years for both of them. He is gone now but the memories would hunt me; I ended up with an eating disorder from being put in a crawl place without food for days. Just water to keep us hydrated but the abuse was torturous he would rape us deprive food and beat us in places i can't even begin to tell you. He and she were sick and twisted monsters. My question was always why? i'll never know. i always thought it was because my mom had to garnish his wages in order to make him his meeker 38.00 per week in child support and have insurance on me. up and til i was 12 i knew the love of my step dad and mom. when my mom and step dad divorced and mom went on assistance that is when he was located and that is when the visits started. i feared him when i was 4 and my mom moved because he was trying to get custody of me then and she saw how distraught i was over the back and forth but i often wonder if there was more there. I now have a voice and speak up and out and volunteer; my nightmares still happen as do my flashbacks but i have techniques i use to help know i'm safe. There are times where all seems real and it takes me a while to know i'm safe but my new husband of 7 years next week understand me and is very supportive. my ex had his own set of issues drugs and infidelity by the time we divoreced i knew my worth and staying with him was not healthy. the kids (my step kids and my son) were in college by the time i knew i had to leave. I took the time in between that to get better stayed in therapy but when i moved it was hard for me to find someone new i started doing better and decided time to get healthy lose weight i struggled... binge eating always i lost pounds and would gain back ...finally i lost and wanted to keep it off knew it stemmed from the food depreviation and needed to get back into therapy because things were still hairy i did this 2 years ago and it was the best gift to myself. i was ready to really push and get better. so yes it can get better not everyday but like the freebird said it can get easier as you get better.. so do for you love yourself because you are worht all the love possible. you are a SURVIVOR!! you now have a voice!! No one can hurt you and you are safe! emoticon

Emmy
Biggest Loser Pink Team Co-Leader
"Your Fitness is 100% MENTAL! Your body WON'T GO, where your MIND doesn't PUSH IT!!"

Rogue Run Half Marathon 2012, Medford Oregon 9/23/2012 4hrs 20 mins - 19:55
Rogue Run Half Marathon 2013 Time: 4:04:34 Pace: 18:41
Holiday Half 2013 Time: 4:02:06 Pace: 18:11


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6/8/13 1:47 P

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Willow,

For some it never goes away, but for most it gets to a place where you can deal with it enough that it doesnt invade peaceful times, like sleep, or happy family moments that are yours to have & not yours to share with your past. Some also are able to have it go away for good.

I can tell you that it will get better. Mine got better when I decided not to let my abusers control me. I just allowed myself to know that the abuse was over and; in my case; had been over for many years. So why was I allowing these people to still own me. That was a big revelation for me personally. Probably similar to how you felt after talking to victim services. There are occasions when it pops up and I have to work thru it in my mind. Somethings I still struggle with.

Also in my case I have been able to deal with the childhood trauma much easier than the trauma from my first marriage. Mostly because I had my children from that marriage and I still feel betrayed (for a lack of a better word) that I allowed the bad to happen when they were in the picture. Also that they have some emotional baggage from the marriage as well.

I can say that you will find something that will help with the healing and it will be of great comfort. Mine was religion and my beading. God has taken many of my pains and fears and thrown them to the wind so-to speak. God also brought to me the love of beads and the calming effect they have on me. If I am getting overly stressed about something I know I can go to God & then to my beads and I am calmed.

I applaud you for coming here with this, I know it was not easy. But sometimes admitting something like this can help with healing. I know it has for many. Also letting go of shame is a big healer as well. I feel you are on the right track with that as well. I hope that you find people here and in your life that you can lean on to help you continue to heal. God bless you Willow.

Tina

I will not allow the tragedies in my life to become a negative influence in the world.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.


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6/8/13 1:22 P

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Hello team,

My name is Robbin, and I am 46 years old with a wonderful, loving and supportive husband and 3 absolutely incredible grown kids and a precocious granddaughter. I really am blessed and they are a cause of joy in my life. BUT there is a darker side that always lurks under the surface and frankly tries to drown me sometimes.

I was raped repeatedly by my father from the age of 6 months to 11 years. My mother would belittle me and beat me to sometimes unconscious because of what he did to me. She called me vile names and they both made me feel like I could not trust anyone, and that to survive I had to do it on my own.

This lead to a failed 1st marriage. I feel bad about that because my ex husband is a truly remarkable man, we are still good friends. He never really understood the emotional baggage I carried with me or how I couldn't just leave the past in the past. So on that level, again the lesson was I needed to deal with my stuff, myself.

I finally went to a victims service counselor and she made me see that what happened TO me was not My doing, I never asked for it, I didn't deserve it. That was a breakthrough for me. But unfortunately the abuse still haunts me. I still wake up in the middle of the night just waiting for my father to come into my room, or my mother to come yank me out of bed and beat me again.

Does this ever go away?

As ever and always,
Robbin

Keep believing in yourself. Be your own #1 fan. Make one good choice each day for You. You deserve it. Be kind to yourself.

Let's cheer for each other through triumphs and carry each other through sorrow.


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5/25/13 8:30 P

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You sound like a very caring person I am sure people appreciate that. Kindness and caring does not always have to be spoken, it is seen and felt by all who receive it. It is the little things that matter most. Being in my seventies, those people who are caring stand out a mile off. I so appreciate them. :)

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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5/25/13 11:03 A

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Wispy ,, i wrote a big long speal on the other forum,, about the job interveiw. I love my job where I am at , its the corporate BS that bothers me. I get grouchy and growly about some things that go on there between the nurses and politics of the company but all in all its not a bad place to work. and its no different from any other nursing home or job really they all come with people that don't pull their own weight. complainers, and no it alls, and then they all have the really good workers, the people that will drop everything to come help where needed, and the people that really care about a job well done. And I pray everyday that I am one of those that people know will come and help no matter what, and know I do really care about my patients and my coworkers whether I show it or not,, cause showing feelings is not a strong suite of mine.

But any way .. I just hope , I take care of my patients the right way. At least I know I try too.

RuthAnn;

" Never allow yourself to be bullied into silence, never allow yourself to be made a victim, accept NO ones definition of your life , Define yourself."

Its your life Take control of it.


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5/22/13 11:56 P

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RuthAnn, I'm wishing you all the very best for getting another job where hopefully you will be treated with the respect you deserve.

Sending love. Wispy.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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5/22/13 9:10 A

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well as much as i like working there ,, they cut my pay, they took my vacation away from me all because i fell back in december and crushed my right elbow. I had a comminuted fracture and it took 2 months to heal. so because you cant do nursing one armed , I had to have the time off. Now they are saying ,, because it cut my quarterly hours , I am considered part time and don't get any of the benefits, which all i had was life insurance . but they took my vacation time away as well. So I am looking for work else where . I could see it if i were just calling in all the time but i was hurt and could not work. Actually I went to work the same night I fell and hurt my elbow , then next night I couldnt move my arm so I called in ,, I only went the my doctor to have a doctors excuse for calling in , and he sent me to an orthopedic doc who said . oh well your gonna be off work for a while.

any way .. wish me luck i have an interview with a hospital near here and its really hard for an LPN to get hired by a hospital.

RuthAnn;

" Never allow yourself to be bullied into silence, never allow yourself to be made a victim, accept NO ones definition of your life , Define yourself."

Its your life Take control of it.


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5/20/13 10:19 P

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You are a treasure to all those people who have needed help during the night. And I would say although you don't like doing it, you sure are good at doing it when necessary.

Blessings for all you have achieved and I have to agree that praise works wonders. Apart from anything else, when I give praise I feel better than when I am blaming - even if it is justified.

So often things actually do not change, no matter how much we confront and face up to stuff that bugs us, but you have brought about a whole series of very worthwhile changes.

Perhaps it is more a case of choosing the right things to confront. WTG, you sure have done that.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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5/20/13 6:33 A

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See when I started working at my facility almost 2 years ago , the whole night shift crew slept all night , they got up and did rounds twice a night (which is suppose to be done every 2 hours ) and then slept the rest of their shift.
The night shift crew at that time hated me cause I made them do rounds every 2 hours, I started writing them up for every thing I found they were doing wrong or not doing , and I had one of the night shift supervisors yell at me she said " if you are going to right my girls up for all this you need to right the other shifts up too" I blew up ,, and of course ended up in the Director of nursings office . in the end that nurse was fired the other one put on probation, and the entire night shift was called in for a meeting,
I was so sick , my stomache turned , I felt like I was going to vomit. but the Administrator and the DON, just went over the Nursing home policy and proceedures with the group and stated if not carried out will end in termination no ands ifs or butts about it. and then I was put in the possition I didn't want , as Night shift supervisor.. I kept telling my self should have kept your big mouth shut. All in all the majority of the aides left or moved to another shift. and I have an almost all new crew that stays up all night and works and for the most part does their jobs appropriately/

But I still hate having to confront them .

I am actually getting better tho ,, I can manage now to praise them for a job well done. and I am learning praise is working better than always yellign about work done poorly.

Edited by: TMGSGIRL at: 5/20/2013 (07:23)
RuthAnn;

" Never allow yourself to be bullied into silence, never allow yourself to be made a victim, accept NO ones definition of your life , Define yourself."

Its your life Take control of it.


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