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7/1/15 10:41 P

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I was stressing about whom to use as references for the Office Manager position I just applied for. I finally decided to ask my first supervisor, who was transferred out & is working elsewhere in the region the last 3 years if she would be willing. Given that she left under not good circumstances, I didn't know if she'd be willing. But I worked with her the longest, and she relied on me and really knows what I can do. She said she would--then I realized they didn't request it as part of the application package, though last time they asked interviewees to bring references with them.

I think because I reached out to her, she sent me a job announcement today from one of the community colleges not far away--for a Bookstore Manager Assistant! Good pay, at an educational institution, doing much of what I did at Waldenbooks! And it's open until 7/12, so I have time to answer the many essay supplemental questions. I'll also see if I can track down any of my old district managers from my retail managing days. Anyway it would be great. I thanked her strongly for sending it my way. Then I asked about changes in their unit (some of their work now being automated) and if she were looking for something else. She said half their people will lose their jobs, but not her (seniority!), so she's been looking for possible positions for them, and thought of me when she saw the college bookstore one. I complimented her on the good thing she is doing for her coworkers--and for me! It was nice to have a positive connection. And I'm sure y'all will be hearing about the new app--which will take me awhile!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 748
6/29/15 1:43 A

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I'm glad you keep filling out applications. I know it can be disheartening, but at least you are taking positive steps to get out of an unpleasant atmosphere. I have to start applying soon myself, as no one from my school has been contacted about being hired. We are all getting very anxious.If I can't find a decent job in a preschool, I'm going to have to become a substitute. I'm really praying I won't have to do that! emoticon

Some friends arranged for my kids to get scholarships for camp for a week. Thank Goodness! I was getting tired of hearing "I'm bored" all the time. Now I can clean out my kitchen cabinets without the kids constantly asking "Why can't I get on the ladder? Why are you throwing that away? But I can help!!! Just let me climb up!" Apparently, cleaning is only worth it if you get on a ladder.



What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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6/28/15 11:03 P

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Sorry I hadn't checked in a couple days! It's great that you've talked with the girls about behavior issues (and quite the intelligent observance the father's behavior, too!), and that they are invested in your health and your progress. It's grand to have cheerleaders!
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No word yet on the last 2 interviews. Everything's up in the air because the stupid legislature hasn't passed a budget. If we don't have one on June 30 (Tuesday), the state government has to shut down on 7/1. So I don't know yet if I'll be going to work on Wednesday or joining the union in demonstrating at the Capitol.

I'm feeling good that I've got the supplemental question responses typed and ready to paste, plus the cover letter written. I'll submit it tomorrow evening after work. I am really ready for that new job and higher salary--wherever it ends up being!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 748
6/27/15 1:41 A

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By the way, have you heard back from your interview yet?


What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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6/27/15 12:58 A

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My kids seem to be doing better. My youngest admitted that her acting out was largely because she wanted attention. My oldest admitted that she was bored. We had a long talk about how creating drama in NOT a good cure for boredom. My youngest asked if that's why her dad always yelled. Perceptive little troublemaker, isn't she?

The kids are enjoying checking my pedometer every day. They get upset if I don't hit 10,000 steps. For me it's been a real wake-up call. I had not realized how sedentary I had become. I struggle to hit 6,000, which is what my dad says is his average. It's uncomfortable to think that a 70 year old man is so much more fit than I am, or has more reason/opportunity to move around than I do. Oh well, soon I hope I can beat his average. emoticon

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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6/23/15 11:18 P

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I don't have kids, so can't comment on struggles with them. A general aim of letting them know you love them--even when you don't like or approve of their actions, can be a good rule of thumb. There are some good books about talking with kids, including the Non-Violent Communication series, which I got a lot out of. Your library may well have one of them. There's also a cool How Full Is Your Bucket for kids, plus the adult one is real good, and short and easy to read.
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My sister and BIL are also pre-diabetic. I think that largely means you can reverse the disease with healthier choices. If the phone app is easier or more fun, stick with that for now. You can always play with the Fit Bit later on. I'm off to make a salad for dinner. Hang in there. And glad you enjoyed your time with your dad. (Kind of hard for me to imagine, what with mine being my abuser.)
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Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 748
6/23/15 8:53 P

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That is wonderful news! I think you would be great for Fish and Wildlife. Also, I think it's good that you cleared the air a bit with your supervisor. Maybe if she's more on your side she can make it easier for you to succeed.

My dad visited for a few days. It was great, not just the doing stuff, but chatting with someone who gets what I'm talking about. My girls loved getting a little individual attention as well. The best part was finding out that some issues with my brother may be resolvable.

I had to go to the doctor today to hear about the results of some tests. I am officially pre diabetic, which really shook me up. I talked to the doctor about losing weight, and she wants me to consider medication to help lose weight, as well as increasing my exercise. I did get a fitbit, but I am not sure I like it. I'm having trouble getting it to sync correctly. I also put a free pedometer app on my phone, and I think I like it better. But I'm still sort of freaking out.

I think my kids are going through something, too. My youngest has been acting out a bit. I'm trying hard to hold my tongue so I am not scarring her for life, but I am frustrated. My oldest wasn't this hard.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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6/23/15 12:10 A

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I was surprised and delighted to get a call from Fish and Wildlife at work this morning, asking me to an interview on Wednesday at 12:30. I told me supervisor, who said that's a bad day because of unit meetings, and she wasn't sure if she could approve it. I panicked, not wanting to lose out on the opportunity--plus I wasn't sure what the policy was, so I called my manager (her boss) who assured me I could go, and they would adjust, because they weren't going to prevent me from trying to promote. I was hugely relieved, but my supervisor was not happy with me; she wanted to think it over and decide what was best for the unit, not one person--and resented my going over her head.

But given that my current salary isn't enough to cover my expenses, now that I have car payments, I can't be too worried about her feelings. I told her I want to build a better relationship with her, and I'm sorry if that's not possible in her estimation now. But given that the most support I've received from management in terms of promoting is the assurance "we won't stand in your way" of leaving for something better, I didn't want to throw away this opportunity.

So I came home and got directions to the Fish and Wildlife building in Olympia, then checked out their website, reading about the Habitat Program I would be working with. Pretty complex laws and science to deal with--which I find very exciting: to learn about a whole new part of state government, and how they are seeking to protect and conserve resources.

I will say that in my meeting with Doreen (Office Manager) today, we did cover some important work matters, some of our differences in perception, plus she gave me a good suggestion for professional growth in our agency, and for the first time gave me concrete and specific positive feedback on my ability to write detailed instructions that really cover all the steps, so things aren't missed.

So positive thoughts, positive thoughts! emoticon (praying and wishing really hard!) emoticon emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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6/21/15 7:30 P

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I sent thank you emails to each of the 3 people on my interview panel from Thursday. It wasn't until Friday that I had time to look them up in Outlook and find their email addresses to take home. I forgot to tell y'all earlier that I received a form email re the CSS3 job I applied for during my vacation (the one I had to drive into town to find Wi-Fi to submit it), saying I had passed the initial sorting of candidates. I'm not guaranteed to be selected for an interview, but I could be! So that was gratifying, especially as the pay is higher. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon (it's the Fish and Wildlife one)

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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BLESSEDBEING's Photo BLESSEDBEING SparkPoints: (115,876)
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6/21/15 12:47 A

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I'm always caught off guard when I have a PTS episode, especially when they are brought on by bizarre things like an excruciating phone menu that tells me--after minutes and minutes of entering data and begging to talk to a person, and being reduced to tears and profanities--that customer service is closed, and I need to call back another day. I knew I was way over-reacting. So when I finally sat and journaled, interspersed with tapping and hugging on my soft, squishy cuddle bear, I got in touch with a young freaked out part who felt helpless and panicked when she tries to get help and can't get it, or she appeals to the people who are supposed to help her (like an abusive father, a negligent mother, and crappy managers) and they do nothing or refuse to help.

The good news, and what I'm proud of, is that I started addressing the issues within a half hour of the ill-fated phone call. I may be feeling pretty drained now, but I'm calm again, treating myself compassionately, and I didn't need to wait to see my therapist to use some tools to help see who was hurting and why, and address her concerns and fears.

I may not get as much done as I had hoped, but you deal with what life hands you, and you gain strength and nurturing where you can.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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6/18/15 10:35 P

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I think the interview went very well. I just can't guess anything about the other 11 people they are seeing. But they've said they'll let us all know in the next 2 weeks. I asked about timing, and it takes awhile for higher ups to sign off, even once they've made their choices, plus references need to check out.

I gave myself *lots* of extra time, as I always do, plus more for the possibility of heavier traffic due to the US Open around Tacoma--but it didn't impact my drive at all. So I did as I had for my last interview, and checked out an apartment complex. This one is just up the hill a little from the other one.

Printed off a couple new job announcements, one I will put in for definitely. I'll keep you all in the loop, and let you know what I hear!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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6/16/15 10:25 P

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emoticon I'm so happy to hear that, Amy! I'll share and reply more when I get a bit more caught up, but just wanted to say emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 748
6/16/15 9:42 P

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Oh, that sounds lovely!

My father is visiting, and we have had a pretty good time. He used to be stricter, but has mellowed some with age, so my girls are more relaxed with him than they have been before.
Still, I think preparing for his visit, and wondering what the family was going to think of my circumstances, may have been the source of my anxiety attacks. But it has been really wonderful.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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6/14/15 2:48 P

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Finally getting a chance to Spark. I started to yesterday after I submitted my application--but my battery died. Thank the Goddess I got the app submitted first!!
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Having a marvelous time with best gal pals. Walked on the beach all together yesterday. "Warm tubbed" with one friend--they are doing construction on the house, and left no instructions on anything, including how to set the hot tub settings. The lack of Wi-Fi especially makes it unlikely we'll return until some improvements are made. But the weather and company have been grand.
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We saw a lovely film (DVD) last night, The 100 Foot Journey--I highly recommend it.
emoticon emoticon (that's for the food prep scenes)
Tomorrow's our long travel day, may do no more than spin. More when I'm back home on my network again!
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Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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6/10/15 1:49 A

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I was delighted to get a response from the HR person who had some great ideas on improving my application to appeal to recruiters, who often get dozens of responses to wade through. So I reworked my standard application, especially the job duties to describe not just what I do/have done, but how--what skills were called on to accomplish the work. That meant it took me longer than expected to get tonight's app submitted, but it's at a higher pay scale than anything I've applied for in a while. I will keep really positive thoughts about it! It's an HR Consultant Assistant position, if you want to pray on my behalf!
emoticon emoticon (I'm praying *very* hard!) emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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6/9/15 1:13 A

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I heard back on one recent app that I won't be moving forward (no interview). For the first time I replied and asked if they could tell me why I wasn't selected to go on in the process. No idea if I'll get any feedback or not, but it doesn't hurt to ask!

I wrote my cover letter tonight, but I want to check on a couple of details about a recent staff training I plan to mention--and I forget to check today. Tomorrow's my last day before 6 vacation days (W-F, M-W) so I'll need to do it then--plus get ready to be gone.

I had an important, if not completely comfortable, discussion with my program manager (not my direct supervisor), about an upcoming Office Manager position at a sister office, about my "progress review" and the failure of those above me to adequately meet the Leadership Competencies contained in that evaluation document. Just more stuff! But I want to get notes written and recorded, cuz I need to get better at documenting what's been said, since too often such things are forgotten or misremembered.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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6/7/15 12:51 A

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Keep me apprised of your health situation. I'll keep safe and healthy energy flowing your way! emoticon

I'm mostly done with the supplemental questions (I do all the yes-no and multiple choice ones first; am halfway done with the third of 3 "essay" questions) for a position with a different agency. It for a Human Resources Consultant Assistant 2 (something I've never heard of, much less applied for) but it's at a higher pay scaled than most of the positions I've sought. And it deals mainly with workers comp claims, coordinating with the agency I'm with now. Although I don't do much claims work currently, I'm familiar with the general principles, forms, & processes--which might help me. I've also mentioned my Wellness background, and a recent staff training I had o Early Return to Work--a program the job announcement mentioned specifically. This app is due on 6/11m but I'd like to get it submitted by the 8th, to then focus on the one due on 6/14--in the middle of my vacation. I'll try to get that one submitted on the 10th. Wish me luck, please!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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6/7/15 12:13 A

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I'm so sorry I haven''t been responding...my data usage for the month was way over my plan, so I was able to lurk, but not post. Sigh. emoticon

I wish I knew of a better job... I looked so long and hard for work that I really do commiserate with you. The process is tough, but at least you will feel a real sense of accomplishment when you do get work. emoticon

I finally got in to see the doctor. She said a lot of scary words, like "pre-diabetic" and urged me to get my blood tested soon and make a follow up appointment. I've had these bruise like bumps on my leg for awhile (Thanksgiving) and my previous doctor seemed to think they were nothing (but then, he was an idiot). This doctor kept re-examining them. She did prescribe some antibiotics with the idea that they may be an infection, but I had an allergic reaction to them, so I had to toss them out. She did put me back on anti-depressants, which sort of surprised me, but it's probably a good idea.

My dad is coming to visit next week, and I'm both glad and nervous. My relationship with my fathers side of the family is, at best, strained, I'm not really sure what I did or said, but I suspect my ex may have done something that offended them.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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6/6/15 12:11 A

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I was amazed to see I got a reply from my manager--who's out sick--at 6:30 this morning! But then I cc'd his boss, the Regional Manager, with my proposal. He said they are working on the recruitment, suggesting they are opening it to outside people again--rather than trying to fill from within, and he'll let me know when it's posted so I can apply. Not holding my breath there, but at least I asked. And I found 2 more jobs to apply for at a higher salary range than what I was making before I got demoted back to an OA. One is due 6/11 and the other 6/14. I'll want to get them done before leaving on vacation. I hope one of these recent or upcoming apps comes through! Not only do I want the higher pay, but I'd like to spend my time and energy on something else besides hunting for a better job. emoticon (That's me looking really hard!) emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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6/5/15 12:22 A

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I have been waking up tired the last few mornings; it was bad enough today, with a touch of sore throat that I called in sick. I rested the whole morning away, then did some laundry, cancelled my gym membership, and mostly sat and read. Though I wrote out a proposal for work, asking to be considered as a replacement for a retiring Office Manager at a sister office (which I could reach on public transit), even as a temporary or training assignment. No idea how it will be received, but I made a pitch for an internal promotion given my supervisory experience from outside, plus my intimate knowledge of agency office procedures and front counter processes as well. We'll see what response I get, if any.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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6/4/15 1:12 A

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I just finished another app tonight, and included limited contact info for the days I'm out of town in this cover letter and last night's as well. Keeping good thoughts for a positive change.

The typing test went fine. My first attempt (hadn't figured out how to detect errors) was 56 w/ 2 errors for 46 wpm net. Second try had 0 errors with 55 wpm. Since they were asking for 40 or more, I figure I'm looking pretty good! I was able to give lots of examples of how I ensure accurate data entry in my supplemental questions. I'm hopeful, and will keep y'all apprised.

Think I'll read a little, then turn in! emoticon emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
215
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6/3/15 12:59 A

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Submitted an application for an Administrative Assistant with my own agency (at our headquarters in Tumwater, where I'd like to move). I mentioned in my cover letter that I would be out of town 6/10 through 6/15, but reachable by email--cuz I wouldn't want to miss scheduling an interview! Right after submitting that one, I started on a Customer Service Specialist app (also down in Tumwater). It's due day after tomorrow, and requires a typing test certificate. I hope I can get it done on my work computer (since it's a state job, it's OK), as my laptop has a pretty crummy keyboard for speed and accuracy.

Rereading my Alpha and Omega and Mercy Thompson novels by Patricia Briggs (in the same shapeshifter, werewolf, vampire, fae universe) and loving them!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/30/15 6:45 P

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I just got off the phone with my dear childhood friend who lives in Hawai'i. She sadly won't make our 6-Pack gathering in 2 weeks, but we did catch up for 2 hours and 14 minutes! (I noted the time before I turned the phone off.) It was *so* wonderful to catch up with someone so dear, whom I love so very much!
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Heard all about her new job, her siblings and mom (who still lives in the family home 1-1/2 blocks from the house where I grew up), that she and her husband haven't yet sold their house--so I can send my vacation postcard to their old address after all, and how her 18-month checkup showed she's completely cancer-free.
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Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/30/15 12:35 P

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Glad you had a good day! You and the girls deserve fun & connection of all kinds. And if the episode at school has given you food for thought, or a little insight/gut instinct to go on, awareness is a good thing, even when it's uncomfortable. We are better able to plan, consider, imagine and choose.

Sending you strength, confidence, positive energy for Monday's tasks. emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/30/15 1:53 A

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Ever wake up one morning and know its going to be a good day? It helped to know my tax refund had come in and I have something to live on for awhile. Bit I woke up and decided not to spoil it by focusing on anything negative. So I took my kids to their check-ups, took them to the mosque to pray (it was dull, but over quickly) then we went for burgers for our weekly non-diet meal. I had promised the kids that we could have a s'mores party for their neighborhood friends, so we got the stuff, then went home and went swimming in the neighborhood pool, and then had the kids over. The girls were so sweet..."thank you for having us." The boys were, well, boys. "Oooh, look, fire!"

Monday I have to go to see if the sherriffs department will serve my ex-husband with more legal papers. That's what I put off to ensure I had a good day.

One thing did mar the day though...I stopped by the school to say hello, but there were board members in the office, giving directions to the preschool administrator. Apparently they are paying her to come in for 4 hours a day to field any questions about enrollment. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something was rotten in the state of Denmark. I get what you mean about dysfunctional things at work. I largely stayed out of it this last year, but I wonder if I can stay under the radar and just do my job again this year? I hope you do well with filling out the aplications. I may be doing some of that myself soon.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/29/15 11:27 P

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I'm glad some of what I said resonated for you. And glad you are getting some practical help with the parenting stuff. I hope you find a supportive group.

Hearing about all kinds of stupid and dysfunctional things (maybe) going on at work. The place is a joke at times--which is sad (too bad it's not funny). I'm going through pages of jobs with the state that are open. I'll be finishing the current app--hopefully tomorrow, then choosing which one or ones to work on next. Doing my best to keep the faith!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/29/15 1:46 A

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It's funny that you write about that, because I had just been thinking about the same issue. I am so used to ignoring my hurt feelings. And stuffing them down. The other day, after the kids went to play, out of nowhere I began to cry. I have no idea where it came from, or what triggered it. This time however, I decided just to go with it. I cried for awhile, then stopped. I felt a little better when I was done ( not the big release I used to feel when I had a good cry, but not too bad either), then got on with my day.

It's funny to re-train myself to do what used to come naturally. But in a way I think it's a good example for my oldest, now that she's entering puberty and is moody all the time. She is very good at bursting into tears, and I find myself reassuring her that it's normal to feel sad.

We did go to the girls counseling appointment this week. The counselor noticed that the girls are much more relaxed when they haven't seen their dad...maybe too relaxed. I had to really yell to get them to do their chores, after asking for DAYS. She suggested some things I can do to get the kids to do their work, and suggested that this was a normal part of the separation process, emulating the abusive parent when other tactics don't seem to work. As the kids get more used to me standing by what I say, they'll be more obedient without me having to fall back on his tactics. It was a relief to realize that this would pass, and that there were other tactics I could begin to use. I'm thinking I might start looking for a parenting of puberty support group, because this whole thing (includding the bare bones of THE TALK) is really stressing me out.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/28/15 11:41 P

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One of the fascinating developments in yesterday's therapy session was meeting (or getting a sense of) 2 different parts who hadn't felt really welcome to share when I do my morning circle and parts journaling, because they weren't feeling all positive and strong and confident. Since I've been "Singing in the Morning"--celebrating the positives in my life, mainly to help keep me in a more positive mood and handle work stresses better, they've been feeling kind of neglected and left out.

I felt very compassionate toward these parts who were hurting and yet I also know how much my morning ritual has been helping me cope at work, and stay a lot happier. It really helped to be reminded that "negative" feelings aren't wrong or bad. They can be seen as divinely created--a part of the human condition--and they can carry important information about something that needs to change, or something from the past that needs to heal. We neither have to exile them (pretending to feel only "positive" emotions), nor over-identify with them (where we can get stuck). Rather, Katie recommended acknowledging them, allowing them to well up and be felt--and releasing them.

These were really helpful distinctions that I want to work on practicing. I'm really clear that I don't want to "bully" any of my parts or act like there's only one possible or acceptable way to think and feel. I got enough of that from my abuser, thank you. Don't know if this is helpful to anyone else, but it was a profound gift for me.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/27/15 9:55 P

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Someone on another team asked if I might like to take salsa dance lessons. I'd enjoy dance lessons of almost any style, but can't add anything else into the budget right now. In fact I'll be cancelling gym membership and computer game club (about $40 and $8 per month respectively). Making $200 + less a month, and having car payments of $200 + more, means I'll be giving up quite a bit--and living off savings until I can get a higher-paying job.

I haven't had it in me to work on a new application since getting back from my appt with Katie, but there's an Administrative Assistant opening with a different agency that closes on the 31st, so I can work on it this week and finish it on Saturday. The program manager claimed today that I and the other person who went from OA up to temp CSS and back down to OA will be reallocated to CSS--but they've been talking about that possibility since way before our temp assignments that lasted a year. So I'm not holding my breath.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/26/15 11:31 P

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It wasn't a normal work day, as we had our offsite employee appreciation event. The Mexican food platters were OK--I loaded up on as much of the veggies and garnish as I could. And I had a great time with the salsa dance lessons. I've always loved to dance, and I got lots of compliments! emoticon emoticon (somewhere between these? just line dance style)

I decided I would read a page of the owner's manual each day to get acquainted with some of the systems. We survived having 3 staff from other regions cover our office for 3 hours. I did have to correct the location on 10 transactions from the busiest fellow who kept forgetting to change the location of the transaction from Bellingham (his usual office) to Tukwila (ours, where he was working). But we got them changed in time, and we appreciated the coverage!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/25/15 7:38 P

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I love Downton Abbey, but watch so little "real time" TV, I can never remember to turn it on at the right time! I love being able to get them from the library, and my system gets 1 to 2 hundred copies each season! I was just thinking I might start at the beginning again. They really are marvelous, with wonderful characters, and I'm learning so much about how they are struggling with huge social changes. I highly recommend checking out your library. (Hope the fines aren't too much.) I adore libraries!
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After my eventful Friday and productive Saturday, my energy sort of crashed on Sunday. On the way home from grocery shopping, I stopped by the library and picked up Season 5 of Downton Abbey--and I've watched it all: 8 episodes, the season-ending movie and the special features, too! I even took another nap today.

I've done some food prep and a bit of ST both days, dishes, and laundry today. I got through a bit of mail and email, and plan to do more this evening. Will also do some affirmation writing around work and money issues and a lot of praying for everything to work out for the best!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/25/15 12:33 P

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Thank you for that support. It really helps.

I always wanted to watch Downton Abbey, but never did, because by the time I had heard about it, it was a season or 2 in, and I didn't know the characters. So maybe I'll do as you are and get the season dvd's from the libray...after I pay off my current fines, that is. emoticon

Memorial Day is always an emotional time for me. Both my Grandfathers were WWII vets. My dad was a conscientious objector to Vietnam, and joined the Peace Corps instead. So I'll take some time today to talk to my kids about my Grampa Bob, who was at Normandy Beach on D-day, and whose home we now live in. Maybe find some footage about D-day. And explain how, when he was so young, he did something that took great bravery. Hopefully, I will instill in them a sense of connection to history, and a sense that what their family has done contributed to the world.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/25/15 12:51 A

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Oh, Amy, I feel with you! I'm sending you strong and healing energy! emoticon emoticon emoticon

After all my grocery shopping at 3 stores, I went by the library and got season 5 of Downton Abbey--I'm about to start episode 7. Obviously I'm not doing much else today! emoticon emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/24/15 1:26 A

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You look a lot like I pictured you, but thinner and not red-headed. emoticon

Today as I went to my Jiu Jitsu lesson I forced my kids to come with me, in case the private detective came by again. Just as we drove up my daughter told me her father was across the street, watching us. Too far away to be violating the restraining order, but close enough to make sure I know he's stalking. And nothing I can prove in court. I didn't call the cops because I didn't see him, but I asked the Sensei to keep an eye out for him. Hopefully, I'll catch him at something, which means he would go to prison for a year.

Later, as I drove my kids to a birthday party, I had another anxiety attack. They seem to come while I'm driving.Fortunately, this was a mild attack and I was able to breathe through it until I could pull over, telling the kids I had to get gas. But the number of attacks I've had this week makes me really nervous about leaving the house. Still, the kids need me to be a parent, so I'm going to have to find a way. Bleah. emoticon

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/24/15 12:31 A

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I just posted a blog with a picture the saleswoman took before I drove off the lot. You even get to see what I look like--sort of.

I was productive today: I called my insurance company to update my coverage, I went online with the Dept. of Licensing to report the sale of my old car, I transferred money from savings to cover the down payment check I wrote yesterday (the finance lady had assured me the check wouldn't get to the bank before Tuesday), and I called a couple apartment complexes in Tumwater to ask about upcoming 2-bedroom units that might be coming available, in case I get the Central Office job. So I'm feeling good--but I was tuckered out, too, and took a longish nap this afternoon.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/23/15 12:09 A

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emoticon about the anxiety attack, but emoticon and emoticon on the weight loss! emoticon

I am so thankful my car didn't act up on the long drive to or from the interview (and hour away), but waited until I was on my way home last night. I was pretty worried, tried to call the dealer service dept to report the check engine light was on, but they had left or weren't answering that late. So my day began before 8 am, calling dealer then AAA for a tow. Didn't get there until after 10, then didn't hear until 12:30 that it would cost thousands to repair the transmission and other items they found. I wasn't completely surprised (my car was 13 years old), and I had taken a walk while waiting, including going across the street and looking at some of the Toyotas. I let them show me a few possibilities there on the Honda lot, but knew I wasn't up to any decisions. So I walked several long blocks down to Trader Joe's & bought a salad, then walked to Starbuck's for a latte, and I relaxed as I had lunch. I called the nice saleswoman from Toyota who said she would come pick me up, and I test drove the car I had liked best--a 2005 Camry (salsa red, a pretty burgundy color) with 51,000 miles on it (less than half what the other cars had that I had looked at). It drove fine, and was in my price range--as best I could guess it. I needed some hand-holding at different points in the process--I had no idea it would take over 5 hours to get everything done, and of course I hadn't done any planning ahead for buying a car.

But I was thankful for the great tow guy, the kind service fellow at Honda--I had a service coupon that arrived in the mail in the last week for a free engine check, so it didn't cost me anything for them to run it all down--and he didn't balk at my preferring to work with the folks across the street. I didn't see any women at Honda, and may have gotten the only one at Toyota, but she was great to work with, sympathetic when I hit my limit at one point and had to go outside to think and get away from the noise and tire smell around the showroom. It came down to the wire, but I was able to get to my 6:30 hair appointment with my new car. I hadn't cleaned the old one out, and needed to transfer various things, including the 'Deep Space 9 Runabout' license holder, from the old car.

I'm also glad I hadn't renewed my car registration yet--that was on this weekend's schedule! So now I'll be informing Dept. of Licensing that I sold my old car. Then I need to let the insurance company know I have a different car to cover. And I need to transfer more money from savings to checking to cover the down payment. I had transferred $1000 this morning for possible repairs, but not enough to cover the check I wrote out to Toyota! So I picked up a grilled salmon Caesar salad at Ivar's in the food court after my haircut, and will mostly be vegging this evening.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/22/15 1:01 A

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A friend of mine recently started a firm for auto insurance. It was a shock to me how much she makes, partly because she got liscenced as a notary public. Everytime a car is sold she goes down and witnesses the contract and makes a bunch for traveling to the dealership. It's crazy. Still, it made me think I should suggest looking at property insurance as a career.

I had another anxiety attack, getting bombarded with bad memories. Then I realized it was my ex's birthday. No wonder I was a basket case.

Yesterday I wrote a blog entry about how disappointed I was in my weight loss progress, and how I had considered switching to a new program. I wasn't paying attention well and accidentally wiped out the blog, so I went to bed grumpy. When I woke up I weighed myself and I had lost 4 pounds. So I'm sort of glad I didn't post it!

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/21/15 12:09 A

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I remember how I would crash after the school year ended when I was a public school teacher! Taking care of you is job #1!

I've printed out some things to take with me tomorrow. Will do a little organizing of my bag to take, then get to bed in good time. Will be doing lots of prayers and affirmations. I am just so ready for a positive change. I've definitely considered looking outside government. I want to see what happens with this position.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/21/15 12:08 A

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Amanda I'm sorry if I upset you asking if you wanted to stay in government work. I suppose you wouldn't stay in it if it didn't give you a degree of satisfaction.

I had a bit of a meltdown today, after having an anxiety attack last weekend. I understood what triggered the weekends episode: the girls father signaled me as I was leaving the girls at their supervised visitation. Trial is coming up in June, which will decide a lot. I'm terrified.

Today's episode seems to have been triggered by a call from my father, changing some plans to visit. My brother wants to see him a day later than they had originally planned because he and his family are returning from Europe and they need time to get over jet lag. Somehow it hurt that everyone assumed that would be no problem for me, since the girls and I don't go anywhere (not enough funds) and I haven't found a summer job yet. My brother hasn't seen me in 9 years, he hasn't spoken to me in 5, he lives 100 miles from me, and I have no idea why. He changed his phone number and email so I couldn't contact him and I don't know what I said or did. The non contact hurts, but hearing how successful he is somehow makes it worse. He is pretty wealthy, a successful wife, has a lovely little daughter, and works at home so he can be with her. My fathers pride in him is unmistakable. Me? Well, my dad worries a lot about me.


Sorry to sound so self pitiful. I guess I'm in a real mood.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/19/15 10:57 P

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Amanda, I am sure that the the right job is coming along. Are you sure you want to stay in government though? I know the wages/benefits are okay, but everyone I've known to work in government (I live near the state capitol) has described it as soul sucking.

School is out and I spent the last 3 days recovering. I avoided even moving. As much as i need a summer job, i didn't even prep my resume. I also found out that I need to re-apply for my old job rather than expect to be offered a contract, which means re-doing my resume and portfolio. It makes me a little nervous but I'll get it done.

Yesterday I babysat and took 4 kids to the park, but my legs were so stiff I had to sit while they played. I am slowly getting rested, and will work on the house for the rest of the week (it got truly messy!) but I really needed to take a few days to do nothing but sit.

Unfortunately, my weight is back up. I need to get back into weighing and measuring and tracking. Bleah.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/19/15 10:13 P

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I did not get invited to a 2nd interview with the other agency with whom I interviewed last week. But given that it would involve a fair amount of travel around the state, I'm not too bothered. I realized they were likely to prefer an internal candidate. I do have high hopes for the one this Thursday at my own agency's Central Office. It involves a lot of helping customers by phone, and covering the reception desk in the rotunda, greeting visitors--activities in which I would excel. The job posting also mentioned working with a supervisor "invested in your success"--which I would love to have! Also it's in a town where I would like to live. So I'm really hoping it goes well! 10:15 Thursday morning--all prayers and positive energy welcome!!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/18/15 11:22 P

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Felt like a mild episode of PTS got triggered on Saturday. Wasn't able to do much at all that day. Accomplished more on Sunday with 3 errands and some work around the apartment. This morning I declared to myself that I would have a great day at work: I would do my work well and "impress their pants off." I don't know about the second half of that plan ( emoticon ), but I kept my energy up, got some things done and dealt with several issues. I may not like the pay cut, but it's amazing how much easier it is to do a single job! I feel sorry for the CSSs who are often swamped, and the customers who have to wait longer, but until management does something--that's just how it's going to be.

Anyway, all my Louise Hay affirmations regarding work that I wrote out on Sunday seem to have helped. I took my notebook & read them and wrote more during lunch to help keep a positive frame of mind going. I'm pretty proud of myself.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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5/16/15 11:32 P

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Today's been rough. I found out that another friend at work is being investigated. She is such a good person, and undeserving of the harassment. Yesterday when I heard, I was angry and disgusted, but this morning, fear & helplessness set in. She reminds me of me, I think, strong and caring, wanting to do good. I guess I started wondering when and if they'll decide to come after me, and what I need to do to protect myself. Work suddenly seems like a scary, and very unsafe place to be.

I hate feeling so down when I want to feel strong and confident and poised, getting ready for this week's interview, starting to make plans in case things go well. Also just wondering if the misery of this job will ever end. Also starting to panic over whether I can trust any of my management references. Overall feeling very vulnerable. Have been doing my best to self-nurture. Not capable of much more at present.

Edited by: BLESSEDBEING at: 5/16/2015 (23:36)
Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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5/16/15 12:35 A

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I was thrilled today at work to get a call asking me to an interview on Thursday for the position with my own agency that I just applied for Wednesday night! It's at our Central Office in Tumwater, where I'd like to move and work, and I think would be a good fit, with a lot more opportunities. So I'm really hoping it will result in an offer! Please keep me in your prayers!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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5/14/15 11:49 P

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I got there an hour early--I left plenty of cushion for possible driving difficulties! Got to go for a walk, and then couldn't go into the building because they were evacuating for a fire drill! So I walked some more! Their interview schedule got a bit off, but I think mine went well. A couple times one of the panel members (a supervisor, though not the one I would have) made the point that he had really liked part of my answer--to the point where he lost track, as he copied down what I had said. He really liked one of my questions, and said he would pass that on to the supervisor of the position. They will be doing 2nd interviews with the top 3 candidates, which will include the supervisor for the position, then they want to bring the person on quickly.

Since I was just 4 miles up the freeway from my agency's central office, I went by there afterward to talk to HR. I hoped to get an idea of how quickly the position I applied for last night would be filled. Turns out everyone was at lunch, but I got a name and number of someone in recruitment to ask. Plus I took another pleasant walk, and hit the restroom before my hour drive back.

Thanks, again, Spark Pals for your prayers and good wishes on my behalf!! emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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5/13/15 12:37 A

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I did quite well at work, and tackled the issue of reporting actual hours worked. Several of us had a lively discussion at the end of the work day--what with 4 people working with customers until 5:15, when they are all supposed to be off at 5. Of course the two of us who are scheduled until 5:30 are the ones who can no longer work the counter, because our temporary assignments could not be extended past a year. (Like they didn't know that for the last 6 months, after we were extended past the first 6?)

Played with Dora after I got home, then did a resistance band workout (just 20 minutes). Chopped lots of veggies and a little meat to add to a dry rice noodle soup mix from Trader Joe's & enjoyed a couple bowls over a Buffy episode. Then back to work on my supplemental questions for the new application, and got them typed up to copy and paste tomorrow. Will start on the cover letter over lunch; I worked on the Sup Qs over the last 2 lunches. This is actually a position I'd like--beyond the CSS pay range & getting out of where I am.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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5/12/15 12:08 A

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I'm pleased that despite the unwelcome news that my temporary promotion is over without being reclassified, meaning I'll be taking a pay cut of over $200 per month, I managed to remain calm and in good spirits at work. Got a bit shaky talking to my sister tonight--because I really don't know how the finances will work out, now that my rent is $100 more per month than it was when I was at this salary before! But I will keep focusing on what I can do--including pursuing more job postings.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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5/10/15 10:31 P

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emoticon on your belt emoticon Amy--that is emoticon ! emoticon

I'm emoticon about the detective and cop drama, but happy he's wasting emoticon Hang in there!

I hennaed my hair, as well as laundry and grocery shopping. I chopped a head of red cabbage I picked up; it takes a while, slicing and chopping by hand, but I love adding to salads. I've got half of my food prepped for work tomorrow; will continue after some Sparking. Oh, and I stopped by the library on my way home from Safeway and Trader Joe's. A book I requested had come in, but I didn't find it on the shelf, so asked the librarian. Turns out it was an ILL (Inter-Library Loan) of a title I recommended they buy, since it was #2 in a series for which they had multiple copies of all the other volumes. They always keep the ILLs behind the counter, like the DVDs, and I can't renew; but with a
4-week check out, I'll be fine, even after finishing my re-reading of the Sanguines series.

I've been watching my Buffy DVDs again (into season 7 now). I know the uncertainty about my job is weighing on me, as much as I try not to worry (not knowing what my salary will be until I get to work tomorrow). I started answering the supplemental questions on a new job application that's due this week--on Thursday.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 748
5/9/15 10:46 P

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Oh Amanda, you vacation sounded so lovely. I was living vicariously.

I tried to reply several times, but my internet service was up ( I used up my minutes by the 4th, and they don't cycle back til the 9th) so the computer timed out before anything posted. Truthfully, there wasn't much to tell. I was really stressed out, but it's partly because I procrastinated (and still am) so it was my own fault.

I did get my yellow belt in Jiu Jitsu today, though! emoticon

When I got home though, I found out that my home had been visited by a private detective and police officer while I was gone. I usually leave my girls home during the class because it is so early in the morning. The neighbors know and keep an eye out for the girls, and the girls have my phone and can call the school or police. But their father, who had questioned them about my habits last time he saw them, hired a detective to find out about the girls being alone, who then had the police come out for a welfare check. The police, who interviewed the girls, found nothing to support the claim of neglect and refused to call child protective services (I called the police as soon as I heard about it). My neighbors had been on their front porch and told them that they keep an eye on the girls (they look like hoodlums, so I'm not sure that's a good thing, but whatever).

So sadly, I didn't get much chance to enjoy my victory. Oh well. I keep wondering why he hired a detective instead of calling child protective services. Then I realized the guy is probably supposed to dig up dirt on me. He's probably really bored by now. What's he going to learn? That I eat chocolate more often than I should? That I only clean my house on weekends and it's pretty much a mess after that? Boring stuff, hardly worth paying for.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/9/15 8:15 P

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A long travel day yesterday. My awesome sister did all the driving--she's a lot more comfortable with freeway driving & mountain roads as well (over a pass between central Oregon and I-5). She didn't want to get home too late, so we didn't do as much walking at our rest stops as we usually do. Today I'm unpacking and doing some chores--like changing out the litter, washing the litter pan & snap on rim (so less litter gets kicked or scooped out), the floor and walls and pad. So glad to have that done!

I was surprised there was no letter from HR for me--just checked, but not in the mailbox today, either. Melanie was told on Wednesday, when the year was up. If they don't keep me as a CSS, I'll ask for the extra 2 days of vacation for 6-Pack that weren't approved because a different CSS was taking off, since I wouldn't be covering the counter. I just printed off a CSS2 position that opened on Friday at my agency headquarters that I will be applying for.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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5/7/15 11:19 P

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Snow this morning, yet warm enough to go swimming this afternoon. Our last full day of vacation. Saw another great movie on DVD--Molly with Elisabeth Shue.

Will be packing up tonight and tomorrow, and driving back up tomorrow morning.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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5/6/15 10:02 P

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Went on a short hike yesterday, plus gentle walk after dinner. Played games and laughed ourselves silly.

Heard from my coworker who had a temp promotion like me, and after a year (yesterday, they moved her back to the lower pay range--which means she won't be helping customers at the counter)--so that's what I may face when I return, as well. Oh, well--I'll find out on Monday the 11th.

Today there was hail on and off through much of the day, with greatly lower temps. So we checked out more movies (saw Kung Fu Panda a few days ago--wonderful), and enjoyed Ghosts of Old Girlfriends (cool reworking of A Christmas Carol, at a wedding, not the holidays) and Cars--wonderful voice cast, to the silly cameos by Hanks & Allen, Crystal & Goodman.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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5/5/15 12:01 A

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Mary and Meg joined me at the pool for swimming this afternoon, which was really nice. Then Meg and I walked to the Post Office (about a 20 minute walk each way), and I mailed a letter to HR with the agency I just applied to, expressing my interest in the position and explaining I am out of town, and only reachable by personal email. Just wanted to make myself stand out, and make sure I didn't miss a communication in case they are in a hurry to interview and fill an open job.

So much fun reading, playing games, talking, fixing food together--and the area is lovely: the walks so pleasant and peaceful!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/3/15 8:01 P

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Amy, I'm so glad my words helped. It's easy to forget to let people know of our high regard, and many of us have a hard time giving ourselves the credit we are due.

I'm glad you'll be accepting help and taking care of yourself and the girls. And yes, spending time in nature is so restorative and emotionally and spiritually healing.

Hope the kids are OK after the visit with their father. Feel free to vent if you need to. emoticon

Sorry the condolence call may be difficult. And *I'm* sure your higher power understands your desire to support a friend, and that you may observe norms and adopt behaviors that aren't genuine, but are intended to help make things more comfortable for others--which is a very honorable intention!

We are like 2 minutes from the complex swimming pool--saltwater, not chlorine--and I went for my first swim late this morning. The water was perfect, and I was the only one in the pool. I alternated between swimming laps and pool walking in the shallow end. For the latter, I walk forwards and then backwards, against the slight current from my passage, and I swing my arms back and forth with hands facing front while going forward then backward, then facing back while walking in each direction. That helps work different parts of the arms, just against the resistance of the water. Every time I switch direction it requires a bit of effort--even the occasional grunt. emoticon

Edited by: BLESSEDBEING at: 5/3/2015 (20:19)
Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/3/15 7:21 P

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Thank You Amanda, your words meant more to me than you can know. I tried to reply yesterday, but I had trouble with the site. Mostly I was ranting because I have had more added to the pile of stuff, and hindsite being 20/20, I realized I could have avoided a lot if I had just put my kids in public school last year.


I really hope your vacation is wonderful. I've decided that since my mom offered some financial help, I'm going to take the 2 weeks after school ends to restore myself, including getting a full physical, and taking the kids hiking so we can feel closer to nature. I know those things don't sound like they are in the same category, but for me they are both restorative, so I think of them as being the same.

My kids are seeing their dad today, the first time since we were at court. It's not a good situation. I wish their uncle could still supervise, even though he did a poor job of it, so that the kids would not feel so guilty.

Later we have to pay a condolence call. My friend and mentor, who took us all to dinner after our open house Friday night. Her father passed later that night. There was no warning, but still, I feel a little guilty, so I am making the call. I usually avoid such things. Being empathic, my emotions can become easily overwhelmed in such circumstances. I am dreading it. Also, there is a lot of praying involved, formal prayers. I always feel like a hypocrite when I do that, because I'm not much into formal prayers. I don't find comfort in them at all. Since Muslims are rather physically rigorous when they pray, with all the getting up and down, I am really conscious of what I am doing and when. I feel like it becomes an interruption in my communion. But, it gives the others comfort, so I do it. Then I go meditate privately and apologize to my higher power for the hypocrisy.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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4/30/15 11:56 P

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Oh, Amy, with all your drama, I admire everything you manage to do and accomplish! You are dealing with a lot, and you are so strong and resilient. I really admire you for all you are doing for yourself and your girls.
emoticon emoticon emoticon
My sister is here now--we are taking a break from packing. We leave from here tomorrow morning (she's staying the night) and drive down to a central Oregon resort town, Sunriver, near Bend. We'll meet our 6-Pack sister (of the heart, not blood) from California (which makes us a half-pack) for a week in a condo. So I'll be checking in from vacation for the next week!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/29/15 11:36 P

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Your job politics sound a lot like my job politics. I swear I have new grey hairs coming out. I've just learned that the school is so broke that we may not get our paychecks on time, and the school is closing 2 weeks early. There is also no guarantee that I will get a contract next year, either. I haven't even had time to find a summer job, because I am trying to get my students evaluations done.

Also, I finished my kids science fair projects for them. They did the experiments, but I corrected the write ups and put the presentation boards together, because it was so late at night and we thought they were due today. (We were wrong...it was tomorrow. emoticon ) So I am really overtired.

The hot weather has settled in, which is a problem, because the A/C repair guy never came out. So I am looking for a new guy, but with my job uncertainty, the money factor is daunting. But we cannot survive if it's not fixed.

My kids started seeing the counselor that the courts ordered to help them deal with the divorce. They like her puppets. I think they like her, too, but they aren't very quick to warm up to people. I get called in periodically as well, as she is treating it like family counseling, but I think there is a lot they need to say when I am not there. Apparently their father told them I am not their real mother and thay are adopted. It's a complete lie, of course...but it has managed to do some damage. I think he's trying to plant seeds of doubt in their minds so they won't listen to me. Grr.

Grey hairs. Sprouting up all over.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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