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5/29/15 1:46 A

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It's funny that you write about that, because I had just been thinking about the same issue. I am so used to ignoring my hurt feelings. And stuffing them down. The other day, after the kids went to play, out of nowhere I began to cry. I have no idea where it came from, or what triggered it. This time however, I decided just to go with it. I cried for awhile, then stopped. I felt a little better when I was done ( not the big release I used to feel when I had a good cry, but not too bad either), then got on with my day.

It's funny to re-train myself to do what used to come naturally. But in a way I think it's a good example for my oldest, now that she's entering puberty and is moody all the time. She is very good at bursting into tears, and I find myself reassuring her that it's normal to feel sad.

We did go to the girls counseling appointment this week. The counselor noticed that the girls are much more relaxed when they haven't seen their dad...maybe too relaxed. I had to really yell to get them to do their chores, after asking for DAYS. She suggested some things I can do to get the kids to do their work, and suggested that this was a normal part of the separation process, emulating the abusive parent when other tactics don't seem to work. As the kids get more used to me standing by what I say, they'll be more obedient without me having to fall back on his tactics. It was a relief to realize that this would pass, and that there were other tactics I could begin to use. I'm thinking I might start looking for a parenting of puberty support group, because this whole thing (includding the bare bones of THE TALK) is really stressing me out.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/28/15 11:41 P

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One of the fascinating developments in yesterday's therapy session was meeting (or getting a sense of) 2 different parts who hadn't felt really welcome to share when I do my morning circle and parts journaling, because they weren't feeling all positive and strong and confident. Since I've been "Singing in the Morning"--celebrating the positives in my life, mainly to help keep me in a more positive mood and handle work stresses better, they've been feeling kind of neglected and left out.

I felt very compassionate toward these parts who were hurting and yet I also know how much my morning ritual has been helping me cope at work, and stay a lot happier. It really helped to be reminded that "negative" feelings aren't wrong or bad. They can be seen as divinely created--a part of the human condition--and they can carry important information about something that needs to change, or something from the past that needs to heal. We neither have to exile them (pretending to feel only "positive" emotions), nor over-identify with them (where we can get stuck). Rather, Katie recommended acknowledging them, allowing them to well up and be felt--and releasing them.

These were really helpful distinctions that I want to work on practicing. I'm really clear that I don't want to "bully" any of my parts or act like there's only one possible or acceptable way to think and feel. I got enough of that from my abuser, thank you. Don't know if this is helpful to anyone else, but it was a profound gift for me.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/27/15 9:55 P

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Someone on another team asked if I might like to take salsa dance lessons. I'd enjoy dance lessons of almost any style, but can't add anything else into the budget right now. In fact I'll be cancelling gym membership and computer game club (about $40 and $8 per month respectively). Making $200 + less a month, and having car payments of $200 + more, means I'll be giving up quite a bit--and living off savings until I can get a higher-paying job.

I haven't had it in me to work on a new application since getting back from my appt with Katie, but there's an Administrative Assistant opening with a different agency that closes on the 31st, so I can work on it this week and finish it on Saturday. The program manager claimed today that I and the other person who went from OA up to temp CSS and back down to OA will be reallocated to CSS--but they've been talking about that possibility since way before our temp assignments that lasted a year. So I'm not holding my breath.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/26/15 11:31 P

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It wasn't a normal work day, as we had our offsite employee appreciation event. The Mexican food platters were OK--I loaded up on as much of the veggies and garnish as I could. And I had a great time with the salsa dance lessons. I've always loved to dance, and I got lots of compliments! emoticon emoticon (somewhere between these? just line dance style)

I decided I would read a page of the owner's manual each day to get acquainted with some of the systems. We survived having 3 staff from other regions cover our office for 3 hours. I did have to correct the location on 10 transactions from the busiest fellow who kept forgetting to change the location of the transaction from Bellingham (his usual office) to Tukwila (ours, where he was working). But we got them changed in time, and we appreciated the coverage!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/25/15 7:38 P

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I love Downton Abbey, but watch so little "real time" TV, I can never remember to turn it on at the right time! I love being able to get them from the library, and my system gets 1 to 2 hundred copies each season! I was just thinking I might start at the beginning again. They really are marvelous, with wonderful characters, and I'm learning so much about how they are struggling with huge social changes. I highly recommend checking out your library. (Hope the fines aren't too much.) I adore libraries!
emoticon emoticon
After my eventful Friday and productive Saturday, my energy sort of crashed on Sunday. On the way home from grocery shopping, I stopped by the library and picked up Season 5 of Downton Abbey--and I've watched it all: 8 episodes, the season-ending movie and the special features, too! I even took another nap today.

I've done some food prep and a bit of ST both days, dishes, and laundry today. I got through a bit of mail and email, and plan to do more this evening. Will also do some affirmation writing around work and money issues and a lot of praying for everything to work out for the best!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 717
5/25/15 12:33 P

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Thank you for that support. It really helps.

I always wanted to watch Downton Abbey, but never did, because by the time I had heard about it, it was a season or 2 in, and I didn't know the characters. So maybe I'll do as you are and get the season dvd's from the libray...after I pay off my current fines, that is. emoticon

Memorial Day is always an emotional time for me. Both my Grandfathers were WWII vets. My dad was a conscientious objector to Vietnam, and joined the Peace Corps instead. So I'll take some time today to talk to my kids about my Grampa Bob, who was at Normandy Beach on D-day, and whose home we now live in. Maybe find some footage about D-day. And explain how, when he was so young, he did something that took great bravery. Hopefully, I will instill in them a sense of connection to history, and a sense that what their family has done contributed to the world.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/25/15 12:51 A

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Oh, Amy, I feel with you! I'm sending you strong and healing energy! emoticon emoticon emoticon

After all my grocery shopping at 3 stores, I went by the library and got season 5 of Downton Abbey--I'm about to start episode 7. Obviously I'm not doing much else today! emoticon emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 717
5/24/15 1:26 A

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You look a lot like I pictured you, but thinner and not red-headed. emoticon

Today as I went to my Jiu Jitsu lesson I forced my kids to come with me, in case the private detective came by again. Just as we drove up my daughter told me her father was across the street, watching us. Too far away to be violating the restraining order, but close enough to make sure I know he's stalking. And nothing I can prove in court. I didn't call the cops because I didn't see him, but I asked the Sensei to keep an eye out for him. Hopefully, I'll catch him at something, which means he would go to prison for a year.

Later, as I drove my kids to a birthday party, I had another anxiety attack. They seem to come while I'm driving.Fortunately, this was a mild attack and I was able to breathe through it until I could pull over, telling the kids I had to get gas. But the number of attacks I've had this week makes me really nervous about leaving the house. Still, the kids need me to be a parent, so I'm going to have to find a way. Bleah. emoticon

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/24/15 12:31 A

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I just posted a blog with a picture the saleswoman took before I drove off the lot. You even get to see what I look like--sort of.

I was productive today: I called my insurance company to update my coverage, I went online with the Dept. of Licensing to report the sale of my old car, I transferred money from savings to cover the down payment check I wrote yesterday (the finance lady had assured me the check wouldn't get to the bank before Tuesday), and I called a couple apartment complexes in Tumwater to ask about upcoming 2-bedroom units that might be coming available, in case I get the Central Office job. So I'm feeling good--but I was tuckered out, too, and took a longish nap this afternoon.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/23/15 12:09 A

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emoticon about the anxiety attack, but emoticon and emoticon on the weight loss! emoticon

I am so thankful my car didn't act up on the long drive to or from the interview (and hour away), but waited until I was on my way home last night. I was pretty worried, tried to call the dealer service dept to report the check engine light was on, but they had left or weren't answering that late. So my day began before 8 am, calling dealer then AAA for a tow. Didn't get there until after 10, then didn't hear until 12:30 that it would cost thousands to repair the transmission and other items they found. I wasn't completely surprised (my car was 13 years old), and I had taken a walk while waiting, including going across the street and looking at some of the Toyotas. I let them show me a few possibilities there on the Honda lot, but knew I wasn't up to any decisions. So I walked several long blocks down to Trader Joe's & bought a salad, then walked to Starbuck's for a latte, and I relaxed as I had lunch. I called the nice saleswoman from Toyota who said she would come pick me up, and I test drove the car I had liked best--a 2005 Camry (salsa red, a pretty burgundy color) with 51,000 miles on it (less than half what the other cars had that I had looked at). It drove fine, and was in my price range--as best I could guess it. I needed some hand-holding at different points in the process--I had no idea it would take over 5 hours to get everything done, and of course I hadn't done any planning ahead for buying a car.

But I was thankful for the great tow guy, the kind service fellow at Honda--I had a service coupon that arrived in the mail in the last week for a free engine check, so it didn't cost me anything for them to run it all down--and he didn't balk at my preferring to work with the folks across the street. I didn't see any women at Honda, and may have gotten the only one at Toyota, but she was great to work with, sympathetic when I hit my limit at one point and had to go outside to think and get away from the noise and tire smell around the showroom. It came down to the wire, but I was able to get to my 6:30 hair appointment with my new car. I hadn't cleaned the old one out, and needed to transfer various things, including the 'Deep Space 9 Runabout' license holder, from the old car.

I'm also glad I hadn't renewed my car registration yet--that was on this weekend's schedule! So now I'll be informing Dept. of Licensing that I sold my old car. Then I need to let the insurance company know I have a different car to cover. And I need to transfer more money from savings to checking to cover the down payment. I had transferred $1000 this morning for possible repairs, but not enough to cover the check I wrote out to Toyota! So I picked up a grilled salmon Caesar salad at Ivar's in the food court after my haircut, and will mostly be vegging this evening.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 717
5/22/15 1:01 A

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A friend of mine recently started a firm for auto insurance. It was a shock to me how much she makes, partly because she got liscenced as a notary public. Everytime a car is sold she goes down and witnesses the contract and makes a bunch for traveling to the dealership. It's crazy. Still, it made me think I should suggest looking at property insurance as a career.

I had another anxiety attack, getting bombarded with bad memories. Then I realized it was my ex's birthday. No wonder I was a basket case.

Yesterday I wrote a blog entry about how disappointed I was in my weight loss progress, and how I had considered switching to a new program. I wasn't paying attention well and accidentally wiped out the blog, so I went to bed grumpy. When I woke up I weighed myself and I had lost 4 pounds. So I'm sort of glad I didn't post it!

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/21/15 12:09 A

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I remember how I would crash after the school year ended when I was a public school teacher! Taking care of you is job #1!

I've printed out some things to take with me tomorrow. Will do a little organizing of my bag to take, then get to bed in good time. Will be doing lots of prayers and affirmations. I am just so ready for a positive change. I've definitely considered looking outside government. I want to see what happens with this position.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/21/15 12:08 A

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Amanda I'm sorry if I upset you asking if you wanted to stay in government work. I suppose you wouldn't stay in it if it didn't give you a degree of satisfaction.

I had a bit of a meltdown today, after having an anxiety attack last weekend. I understood what triggered the weekends episode: the girls father signaled me as I was leaving the girls at their supervised visitation. Trial is coming up in June, which will decide a lot. I'm terrified.

Today's episode seems to have been triggered by a call from my father, changing some plans to visit. My brother wants to see him a day later than they had originally planned because he and his family are returning from Europe and they need time to get over jet lag. Somehow it hurt that everyone assumed that would be no problem for me, since the girls and I don't go anywhere (not enough funds) and I haven't found a summer job yet. My brother hasn't seen me in 9 years, he hasn't spoken to me in 5, he lives 100 miles from me, and I have no idea why. He changed his phone number and email so I couldn't contact him and I don't know what I said or did. The non contact hurts, but hearing how successful he is somehow makes it worse. He is pretty wealthy, a successful wife, has a lovely little daughter, and works at home so he can be with her. My fathers pride in him is unmistakable. Me? Well, my dad worries a lot about me.


Sorry to sound so self pitiful. I guess I'm in a real mood.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/19/15 10:57 P

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Amanda, I am sure that the the right job is coming along. Are you sure you want to stay in government though? I know the wages/benefits are okay, but everyone I've known to work in government (I live near the state capitol) has described it as soul sucking.

School is out and I spent the last 3 days recovering. I avoided even moving. As much as i need a summer job, i didn't even prep my resume. I also found out that I need to re-apply for my old job rather than expect to be offered a contract, which means re-doing my resume and portfolio. It makes me a little nervous but I'll get it done.

Yesterday I babysat and took 4 kids to the park, but my legs were so stiff I had to sit while they played. I am slowly getting rested, and will work on the house for the rest of the week (it got truly messy!) but I really needed to take a few days to do nothing but sit.

Unfortunately, my weight is back up. I need to get back into weighing and measuring and tracking. Bleah.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/19/15 10:13 P

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I did not get invited to a 2nd interview with the other agency with whom I interviewed last week. But given that it would involve a fair amount of travel around the state, I'm not too bothered. I realized they were likely to prefer an internal candidate. I do have high hopes for the one this Thursday at my own agency's Central Office. It involves a lot of helping customers by phone, and covering the reception desk in the rotunda, greeting visitors--activities in which I would excel. The job posting also mentioned working with a supervisor "invested in your success"--which I would love to have! Also it's in a town where I would like to live. So I'm really hoping it goes well! 10:15 Thursday morning--all prayers and positive energy welcome!!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/18/15 11:22 P

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Felt like a mild episode of PTS got triggered on Saturday. Wasn't able to do much at all that day. Accomplished more on Sunday with 3 errands and some work around the apartment. This morning I declared to myself that I would have a great day at work: I would do my work well and "impress their pants off." I don't know about the second half of that plan ( emoticon ), but I kept my energy up, got some things done and dealt with several issues. I may not like the pay cut, but it's amazing how much easier it is to do a single job! I feel sorry for the CSSs who are often swamped, and the customers who have to wait longer, but until management does something--that's just how it's going to be.

Anyway, all my Louise Hay affirmations regarding work that I wrote out on Sunday seem to have helped. I took my notebook & read them and wrote more during lunch to help keep a positive frame of mind going. I'm pretty proud of myself.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/16/15 11:32 P

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Today's been rough. I found out that another friend at work is being investigated. She is such a good person, and undeserving of the harassment. Yesterday when I heard, I was angry and disgusted, but this morning, fear & helplessness set in. She reminds me of me, I think, strong and caring, wanting to do good. I guess I started wondering when and if they'll decide to come after me, and what I need to do to protect myself. Work suddenly seems like a scary, and very unsafe place to be.

I hate feeling so down when I want to feel strong and confident and poised, getting ready for this week's interview, starting to make plans in case things go well. Also just wondering if the misery of this job will ever end. Also starting to panic over whether I can trust any of my management references. Overall feeling very vulnerable. Have been doing my best to self-nurture. Not capable of much more at present.

Edited by: BLESSEDBEING at: 5/16/2015 (23:36)
Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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5/16/15 12:35 A

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I was thrilled today at work to get a call asking me to an interview on Thursday for the position with my own agency that I just applied for Wednesday night! It's at our Central Office in Tumwater, where I'd like to move and work, and I think would be a good fit, with a lot more opportunities. So I'm really hoping it will result in an offer! Please keep me in your prayers!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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5/14/15 11:49 P

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I got there an hour early--I left plenty of cushion for possible driving difficulties! Got to go for a walk, and then couldn't go into the building because they were evacuating for a fire drill! So I walked some more! Their interview schedule got a bit off, but I think mine went well. A couple times one of the panel members (a supervisor, though not the one I would have) made the point that he had really liked part of my answer--to the point where he lost track, as he copied down what I had said. He really liked one of my questions, and said he would pass that on to the supervisor of the position. They will be doing 2nd interviews with the top 3 candidates, which will include the supervisor for the position, then they want to bring the person on quickly.

Since I was just 4 miles up the freeway from my agency's central office, I went by there afterward to talk to HR. I hoped to get an idea of how quickly the position I applied for last night would be filled. Turns out everyone was at lunch, but I got a name and number of someone in recruitment to ask. Plus I took another pleasant walk, and hit the restroom before my hour drive back.

Thanks, again, Spark Pals for your prayers and good wishes on my behalf!! emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/13/15 12:37 A

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I did quite well at work, and tackled the issue of reporting actual hours worked. Several of us had a lively discussion at the end of the work day--what with 4 people working with customers until 5:15, when they are all supposed to be off at 5. Of course the two of us who are scheduled until 5:30 are the ones who can no longer work the counter, because our temporary assignments could not be extended past a year. (Like they didn't know that for the last 6 months, after we were extended past the first 6?)

Played with Dora after I got home, then did a resistance band workout (just 20 minutes). Chopped lots of veggies and a little meat to add to a dry rice noodle soup mix from Trader Joe's & enjoyed a couple bowls over a Buffy episode. Then back to work on my supplemental questions for the new application, and got them typed up to copy and paste tomorrow. Will start on the cover letter over lunch; I worked on the Sup Qs over the last 2 lunches. This is actually a position I'd like--beyond the CSS pay range & getting out of where I am.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/12/15 12:08 A

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I'm pleased that despite the unwelcome news that my temporary promotion is over without being reclassified, meaning I'll be taking a pay cut of over $200 per month, I managed to remain calm and in good spirits at work. Got a bit shaky talking to my sister tonight--because I really don't know how the finances will work out, now that my rent is $100 more per month than it was when I was at this salary before! But I will keep focusing on what I can do--including pursuing more job postings.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/10/15 10:31 P

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emoticon on your belt emoticon Amy--that is emoticon ! emoticon

I'm emoticon about the detective and cop drama, but happy he's wasting emoticon Hang in there!

I hennaed my hair, as well as laundry and grocery shopping. I chopped a head of red cabbage I picked up; it takes a while, slicing and chopping by hand, but I love adding to salads. I've got half of my food prepped for work tomorrow; will continue after some Sparking. Oh, and I stopped by the library on my way home from Safeway and Trader Joe's. A book I requested had come in, but I didn't find it on the shelf, so asked the librarian. Turns out it was an ILL (Inter-Library Loan) of a title I recommended they buy, since it was #2 in a series for which they had multiple copies of all the other volumes. They always keep the ILLs behind the counter, like the DVDs, and I can't renew; but with a
4-week check out, I'll be fine, even after finishing my re-reading of the Sanguines series.

I've been watching my Buffy DVDs again (into season 7 now). I know the uncertainty about my job is weighing on me, as much as I try not to worry (not knowing what my salary will be until I get to work tomorrow). I started answering the supplemental questions on a new job application that's due this week--on Thursday.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/9/15 10:46 P

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Oh Amanda, you vacation sounded so lovely. I was living vicariously.

I tried to reply several times, but my internet service was up ( I used up my minutes by the 4th, and they don't cycle back til the 9th) so the computer timed out before anything posted. Truthfully, there wasn't much to tell. I was really stressed out, but it's partly because I procrastinated (and still am) so it was my own fault.

I did get my yellow belt in Jiu Jitsu today, though! emoticon

When I got home though, I found out that my home had been visited by a private detective and police officer while I was gone. I usually leave my girls home during the class because it is so early in the morning. The neighbors know and keep an eye out for the girls, and the girls have my phone and can call the school or police. But their father, who had questioned them about my habits last time he saw them, hired a detective to find out about the girls being alone, who then had the police come out for a welfare check. The police, who interviewed the girls, found nothing to support the claim of neglect and refused to call child protective services (I called the police as soon as I heard about it). My neighbors had been on their front porch and told them that they keep an eye on the girls (they look like hoodlums, so I'm not sure that's a good thing, but whatever).

So sadly, I didn't get much chance to enjoy my victory. Oh well. I keep wondering why he hired a detective instead of calling child protective services. Then I realized the guy is probably supposed to dig up dirt on me. He's probably really bored by now. What's he going to learn? That I eat chocolate more often than I should? That I only clean my house on weekends and it's pretty much a mess after that? Boring stuff, hardly worth paying for.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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5/9/15 8:15 P

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A long travel day yesterday. My awesome sister did all the driving--she's a lot more comfortable with freeway driving & mountain roads as well (over a pass between central Oregon and I-5). She didn't want to get home too late, so we didn't do as much walking at our rest stops as we usually do. Today I'm unpacking and doing some chores--like changing out the litter, washing the litter pan & snap on rim (so less litter gets kicked or scooped out), the floor and walls and pad. So glad to have that done!

I was surprised there was no letter from HR for me--just checked, but not in the mailbox today, either. Melanie was told on Wednesday, when the year was up. If they don't keep me as a CSS, I'll ask for the extra 2 days of vacation for 6-Pack that weren't approved because a different CSS was taking off, since I wouldn't be covering the counter. I just printed off a CSS2 position that opened on Friday at my agency headquarters that I will be applying for.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/7/15 11:19 P

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Snow this morning, yet warm enough to go swimming this afternoon. Our last full day of vacation. Saw another great movie on DVD--Molly with Elisabeth Shue.

Will be packing up tonight and tomorrow, and driving back up tomorrow morning.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/6/15 10:02 P

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Went on a short hike yesterday, plus gentle walk after dinner. Played games and laughed ourselves silly.

Heard from my coworker who had a temp promotion like me, and after a year (yesterday, they moved her back to the lower pay range--which means she won't be helping customers at the counter)--so that's what I may face when I return, as well. Oh, well--I'll find out on Monday the 11th.

Today there was hail on and off through much of the day, with greatly lower temps. So we checked out more movies (saw Kung Fu Panda a few days ago--wonderful), and enjoyed Ghosts of Old Girlfriends (cool reworking of A Christmas Carol, at a wedding, not the holidays) and Cars--wonderful voice cast, to the silly cameos by Hanks & Allen, Crystal & Goodman.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/5/15 12:01 A

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Mary and Meg joined me at the pool for swimming this afternoon, which was really nice. Then Meg and I walked to the Post Office (about a 20 minute walk each way), and I mailed a letter to HR with the agency I just applied to, expressing my interest in the position and explaining I am out of town, and only reachable by personal email. Just wanted to make myself stand out, and make sure I didn't miss a communication in case they are in a hurry to interview and fill an open job.

So much fun reading, playing games, talking, fixing food together--and the area is lovely: the walks so pleasant and peaceful!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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5/3/15 8:01 P

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Amy, I'm so glad my words helped. It's easy to forget to let people know of our high regard, and many of us have a hard time giving ourselves the credit we are due.

I'm glad you'll be accepting help and taking care of yourself and the girls. And yes, spending time in nature is so restorative and emotionally and spiritually healing.

Hope the kids are OK after the visit with their father. Feel free to vent if you need to. emoticon

Sorry the condolence call may be difficult. And *I'm* sure your higher power understands your desire to support a friend, and that you may observe norms and adopt behaviors that aren't genuine, but are intended to help make things more comfortable for others--which is a very honorable intention!

We are like 2 minutes from the complex swimming pool--saltwater, not chlorine--and I went for my first swim late this morning. The water was perfect, and I was the only one in the pool. I alternated between swimming laps and pool walking in the shallow end. For the latter, I walk forwards and then backwards, against the slight current from my passage, and I swing my arms back and forth with hands facing front while going forward then backward, then facing back while walking in each direction. That helps work different parts of the arms, just against the resistance of the water. Every time I switch direction it requires a bit of effort--even the occasional grunt. emoticon

Edited by: BLESSEDBEING at: 5/3/2015 (20:19)
Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 717
5/3/15 7:21 P

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Thank You Amanda, your words meant more to me than you can know. I tried to reply yesterday, but I had trouble with the site. Mostly I was ranting because I have had more added to the pile of stuff, and hindsite being 20/20, I realized I could have avoided a lot if I had just put my kids in public school last year.


I really hope your vacation is wonderful. I've decided that since my mom offered some financial help, I'm going to take the 2 weeks after school ends to restore myself, including getting a full physical, and taking the kids hiking so we can feel closer to nature. I know those things don't sound like they are in the same category, but for me they are both restorative, so I think of them as being the same.

My kids are seeing their dad today, the first time since we were at court. It's not a good situation. I wish their uncle could still supervise, even though he did a poor job of it, so that the kids would not feel so guilty.

Later we have to pay a condolence call. My friend and mentor, who took us all to dinner after our open house Friday night. Her father passed later that night. There was no warning, but still, I feel a little guilty, so I am making the call. I usually avoid such things. Being empathic, my emotions can become easily overwhelmed in such circumstances. I am dreading it. Also, there is a lot of praying involved, formal prayers. I always feel like a hypocrite when I do that, because I'm not much into formal prayers. I don't find comfort in them at all. Since Muslims are rather physically rigorous when they pray, with all the getting up and down, I am really conscious of what I am doing and when. I feel like it becomes an interruption in my communion. But, it gives the others comfort, so I do it. Then I go meditate privately and apologize to my higher power for the hypocrisy.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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4/30/15 11:56 P

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Oh, Amy, with all your drama, I admire everything you manage to do and accomplish! You are dealing with a lot, and you are so strong and resilient. I really admire you for all you are doing for yourself and your girls.
emoticon emoticon emoticon
My sister is here now--we are taking a break from packing. We leave from here tomorrow morning (she's staying the night) and drive down to a central Oregon resort town, Sunriver, near Bend. We'll meet our 6-Pack sister (of the heart, not blood) from California (which makes us a half-pack) for a week in a condo. So I'll be checking in from vacation for the next week!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/29/15 11:36 P

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Your job politics sound a lot like my job politics. I swear I have new grey hairs coming out. I've just learned that the school is so broke that we may not get our paychecks on time, and the school is closing 2 weeks early. There is also no guarantee that I will get a contract next year, either. I haven't even had time to find a summer job, because I am trying to get my students evaluations done.

Also, I finished my kids science fair projects for them. They did the experiments, but I corrected the write ups and put the presentation boards together, because it was so late at night and we thought they were due today. (We were wrong...it was tomorrow. emoticon ) So I am really overtired.

The hot weather has settled in, which is a problem, because the A/C repair guy never came out. So I am looking for a new guy, but with my job uncertainty, the money factor is daunting. But we cannot survive if it's not fixed.

My kids started seeing the counselor that the courts ordered to help them deal with the divorce. They like her puppets. I think they like her, too, but they aren't very quick to warm up to people. I get called in periodically as well, as she is treating it like family counseling, but I think there is a lot they need to say when I am not there. Apparently their father told them I am not their real mother and thay are adopted. It's a complete lie, of course...but it has managed to do some damage. I think he's trying to plant seeds of doubt in their minds so they won't listen to me. Grr.

Grey hairs. Sprouting up all over.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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4/29/15 11:21 P

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I was not doing great last night, thinking too much on the job, and how the decision about whether I'll be made a permanent CSS or busted back to an OA is being made by others--so feeling powerless, which triggers old issues. But this morning I did my positive journaling, what I've begun calling "singing in the day": my parts gather, we breathe slowly and deeply together which increases the sense of peace, and then we share things we're proud of and grateful for, sharing our blessings and our progress. It's a way to keep me focused on what's positive and going right in my life, and puts any concerns or issues into a bigger perspective, where I remember it's not all negative by a long shot. I really find it helps me set a more positive tone for the day.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/29/15 12:16 A

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My digestive system has been a bit out of whack--very possibly due to the uncertainly around my job. They have to make a decision on making me a permanent Customer Service Specialist or busting me back to an Office Assistant (with a significant cut in pay) by 5/5, and I go on vacation 5/1. I just called Michelle, the shop steward I spoke to at length a week or 2 ago, telling her this is still up in the air--and in the year I've been in the temp position, there were never clear expectations of where I should be, or what I needed to do to become permanent--in fact almost no performance discussions at all. All I heard a week ago was that my supervisor knows I can do the work--but "I get stressed" and so she's "concerned" about me. (Like the stress is all on me--I should be unaffected or ignoring it.) I would truly love for this recent job I applied for to come through--I'll just have to see.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/28/15 12:22 A

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I submitted my application several days early--rare for me, but then I saw it the very day it posted, on Friday. I'm hoping I can get a number to their HR department; I couldn't find it on their website. I want to let them know I'm very interested (a suggestion of the Office Manger from a different office who drove me back from HQ the other day), and inform them I'll be on vacation for a week, but can be reached by email.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/27/15 12:37 A

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Please be safe, Amy! And keep those precious girls safe, too! I can't believe the risks people will take to save money! Good luck with your belt test. Orange?

Joined my sister for lunch and a delightful play with our season tickets. Also found a CSS2 position posted with a different agency on Friday. It was a simple application (not pages of supplemental questions to describe my experience "in detail"). The letter of interest is done, I'll check on a couple references tomorrow, then submit it. It's only open for a week, so they may have a preferred internal candidate already picked out. But it would get me down to the area I want, and out of where I am.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/26/15 2:26 A

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I had an "interesting" couple of days. I came home Thursday and found that the tree on the neighbors property had split and a huge section was lying on my shed. I contacted the property manager and he told me that they would shore up the rest of the tree so it wouldn't fall on my house, and get someone to get the rest out. Don't get me wrong, I love that old tree and the shade it provides in summer, but I had told the property manager 2 years ago about the fungus coming from the trunk ...it's really huge. So I was happy that it was finally going to be taken care of. But when I got home Friday, they had cleaned up the part that had fallen, and the shore lines were gone. Apparently they feel there is no immediate danger. The problem is, if it starts to fall, it will be on my mobile home! My home is so old that the insurance would not pay for repairs, they would just total the home, and give me a few thousand...not enough to get another mobile home. So now I'm telling the property manager to relay to the owners that it would be in their best interest to make sure my family and I are protected, or I will not play nice. The managers wife told me that the company is holding back because of expense, because the tree is huge. If I don't see action within a month, I will stop playing nice with them. As it was, we had so much wind and rain yesterday that I made the kids sleep in the living room so we would be in less danger.




Today I had my Jiu Jitsu class, and my sensei said I'll be testing for my belt soon. the only problem is I have to learn the names of all the moves, so that if sensei calls them out I don't have to think of them. Problem is, I have a really hard time remembering names, and they are all in Japanese, a language I really do not feel any familiarity with. So I will be studying like crazy.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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4/25/15 12:41 A

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I got caught up with some of my backlogged work, which was very satisfying. I now have no refund requests older than a month on my desk. I had to follow up with a couple phone calls on pieces that are being missed at the first stage when these pass through other hands, and I asked the Electrical supervisor if we should really deny a particular one, when I think the inspector attached his inspection notes to the wrong permit. He agreed with me and told me it was a good catch.

Yesterday exchanged positive feedback with the HQ meeting facilitator, and today mailed a thank you card with apology to the OM who I rode back with who has kindly listened to me vent on more than one occasion. I also broached the possibility of her acting as a mentor, or helping me find someone to fill that role. Felt a little scary (she might say 'Heck no!') but also strong and positive, cuz she might say yes. And while our supervisor left early, the Customer Service Manager was there at the end of the day, saw us finishing a slew of contractors at the end of the day that prevented pretty much everyone from getting their afternoon breaks. Since I had been basically reprimanded for "letting this happen" more than once, it was nice he was there to see that just happens when we're busy--because we don't really have enough staff to cover our frequent level of customers. Just last night I had to bite my tongue when I heard our supervisor claiming "we're fully staffed now"--because I don't believe we are.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/23/15 12:52 A

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Thanks for your indignation on my behalf! emoticon It does help!

And I sympathize with what you are going through--the worry, and nervousness about how you are perceived by all those who get to decide whether you'll be hired or not. I *really* get that!

I attended a meeting at headquarters as the representative for our region discussing the "End of Day" (financial reconciliation and deposit preparation) process. Luckily my supervisor had a meeting down there, and she drove us the hour trip by freeway. Her meeting was scheduled until 5, whereas mine was supposed to run until 3. We actually finished a little after 2, but I got a ride from the Office Manager who works north of us, who was swinging by my location anyway. So the travel all worked well.

It was interesting, given the very different customer flow, history and practices in the various service locations, trying to come up with standard practices for all of us that will satisfy the state auditors. Most of them don't deal with the huge amounts of cash we do at the end of each quarter, nor with as many customers period. Several only have 2 people who handle cash, while we have 6--meaning it takes us much longer to count everyone out and balance each day.

I made numerous contributions, and feel pretty good about my participation and the questions I asked. I also enjoyed getting to talk with my OM and the one who has visited our office before--who really wants to help, though can be a bit overbearing at times, wanting us to make major changes very quickly, without really understanding them. Since I began an hour early and only got a half hour lunch, I got to go home at 4 instead of 5:30, which was a treat--I made a gas and grocery run to Costco, which was not nearly as crowded then!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/22/15 10:00 P

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Amanda, I cannot believe that they would leave you hanging like that. Well, actually, I can believe it, but I am appalled by it.

Things have been scary at work. They may end the school year early because there is no money to pay the teachers. As it is, several of us are donating prep time, and we may have to donate more time as well, or find creative ways to get all times covered by enough teachers. I haven't found a summer job yet, and my tax return may not get here for months, thanks to my ex.

I think I am frustrated because I have made no significant progress in a lot of areas, and I've lost steam in taking the steps that I KNOW would get me to make progress. I've also been feeling insecure about what middle age has done to my looks. Overall, that's a lot of dis-satisfaction. This is partly because, given the situation at the school, I have to update my portfolio, and interview, so I'm feeling really nervous.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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4/22/15 12:00 A

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Had a somewhat difficult meeting with both bad and good news from my supervisor. The bad is that I may get bumped back to my old position at a significantly lower pay range. If that happens, I'll have to drop almost everything else I'm working on to find a different job. My temp assignment was extended once, and can't be again. Either I'll be made permanent or demoted, and they haven't decided. My one year will be up when I'm on vacation, so I may not know until I get back. The really sad thing is I've never been given any real feedback or expectations to meet.

When I got home, though, I had an email from the union shop steward I spoke to after work of Friday. She had so many nice things to say about the documents I sent her, my passion, how I express myself--wow, admiration and support in the work environment: what a concept!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/21/15 12:07 A

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Making progress feels great, doesn't it? You know, you are welcome to check out the BBs--the Babysteps Brigade team--that I created 3 years ago based on taking the slow, gradual approach of babysteps to lose weight, get organized--whatever. We're all about celebrating every little victory along the way.

I got in my table sorting with the timer tonight. Actually I was going through folders and creating hanging files to go with ones I already had, so mail and papers I decide to keep have a home. It was fun, and I look forward to continuing.

I also got in 15 minutes o abs work and stretching--another activity I want to do more consistently. So I'm feeling pretty proud.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/20/15 12:50 A

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Amanda, I am so glad ro hear that! Sometimes, just being taken seriously is a welcome surprise.

I had a good few days. The Arlo Guthrie concert had me singing "I don't want a pickle" for the last 3 days. My youngest had a playdate, so my oldest and I had a mommy/daughter day, til my foot was too sore to walk anymore.

And I made progress on cleaning my house. Not enough to call it clean, but enough to call it cluttered, if not clean. emoticon

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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4/18/15 12:17 A

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I work really hard, journaling and saying affirmations on my walks, trying to stay in a good place, feeling empowered and focusing on the positive as much as I can. Sometimes it really makes a difference, and I can get to, or stay in a pretty good place. At other times, I succumb to demoralization and dejection.

After work today, I spent most of an hour talking to a shop steward from our sister office, who is working with the steward in my unit (a dear friend), on gathering info and concerns from our customer group, with the intention of addressing statewide problems as well as issues just in our region. They are starting to talk to higher ups at headquarters, as management at the regional level are not dealing with problems. It was gratifying to speak to someone who understands, is sympathetic, who appreciated my input (a few times she stopped me to say "Let me write that down!"), and who is working with a group to try to bring about actual changes (going beyond just venting and griping).

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/17/15 12:45 A

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emoticon Wispy, lovely to hear from you! Hope your adventures are happy ones!

emoticon Amy, that is emoticon news--and a great visual of you and your lawyer jumping and squealing! emoticon

I finally got laundry done and all the clothes hung up. I tried multiple times, ended up going up and down those 2 flights of stairs 9 times before I was done! I'm tuckered now!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/16/15 7:30 P

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Wispy, as glad as I am to see you back, I wasn't hinting you should drop by the team. Indeed, I was actually thinking "Hmm, what would Wispy advise? " and thought I would leave you a message.

Court went really well. So well that my lawyer and I were jumping up & down trying not to squeal (if you can imagine a woman in a conservative black pant suit and loafers jumping up and down, that was my lawyer)! Based on the mediators interview with the kids, he is back to having professional supervision, up to 6 hours a week, for the next 90 days. And we are going to trial rather than settling, so with any luck the restraining order will be enforced for 5 years.

Also, with all the craziness, I had not been tracking my food, but when I got on the scale today, I weighed exactly the same. Hooray!

Oh yeah, and I am taking the girls to an Arlo Guthrie concert tonight. It's the 50th anniversary of Alice's Restaurant.

Edited by: SALAM4545 at: 4/16/2015 (19:35)
What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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4/16/15 3:04 A

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My summer pursuits have now blossomed into new avenues that are of interest to me and are taking a lot of computer time.

Do not want to leave the team, because you are in my thoughts.
A friend asked me about EFT the other day and that made me think of you Amanda.:)

So hope everything works out well with DH and the children Amy. Surely if he is still drinking and has a problem they will not let him have unsupervised access to them.
This must be so difficult to deal with, no wonder you are stressed.

Sending love to you guys. Wispy.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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4/16/15 1:10 A

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My stress levels got a little crazy this week...not having much internet access really gets me, and not having time makes it even harder. Monday is by far the hardest...I work at school, do the after school program (I watch several kids & help with homework) then off to my class. Tuesday is all about the 2 jobs and making dinner. Wednesday is just 1 job.

Tomorrow I go back to court. I am really nervous that the kids dad will get unsupervised time with them. There is evidence that he is still drinking, so I am really scared. I am praying that he gets caught up in some of his lies, so I don't have to be afraid. But he is dragging all of this out, and I'm afraid it's going to get very expensive. Still, I am hoping karma catches up.

I didn't know there was a new Chyna Bayles mystery out. I'm trying to decide if I should just break down & go to a bookstore, or download it, or wait for the library. I'll have to see if it's available for download through the library. I've loved her books for years (though I was disappointed in the one narrated by Ruby).

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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4/16/15 12:20 A

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We were down 2 people and the supervisor--all in training, and it got crazy busy in the afternoon; most of us never got our second break. I didn't finish with my last contractor until well past 5. Of my 24 old refunds waiting for action, I barely got one (the oldest, from 2/23) processed. They just can't figure out that a staff of 8 is not enough to keep up with the work load in the busiest office.

I took a walk when I got home, then just relaxed and finished my book, Infernal Blood, the 3rd volume in the amazing series by James Rollins and Rebecca Cantrell. It was unbelievably moving and satisfying, and I can't wait to buy this one for myself, and re-read them all back-to-back. Angels, demons, vampires, evil and innocence, love, betrayal, sacrifice, miracles--wow! One of the best books and series I've encountered!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/15/15 12:41 A

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I decided the most important thing to do was see if I could amend my free return that I filed online, before the deadline tomorrow, since I knew I'd owe a small amount back from my refund, which I had already received. It took me a while, and cost a little bit, but I have amended return and check to mail on time tomorrow--so lesson learned. (I gave more details in the Success Report thread.)

A somewhat frustrating day at work, with visitors from another office who keep telling us all the things we're doing "wrong" (different from what they do), and how we have to change so many processes. We so rarely get acknowledged for what we do well, or how much we do, but they sure like to point out every mistake--even when we were just doing what we had been taught.

This is my week for processing industrial insurance checks, and there are quite a few for tomorrow. We've recently had a bunch of changes thrown at us on this process which weren't well thought out, and don't cover all situations, so it's already slowing us down. And tomorrow I'm supposed to do something very different--except that I've never seen it done, they left no written instructions, so I'll have to try and figure it out as I go, and keep calling them to ask, "Ok, now what do I do?" Not really planning for success.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/13/15 11:51 P

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I put in a couple 15-minute sessions at the table, found a bill I had misplaced, did some filing, and started putting together a To Do list to start chipping away at. It's slow going, but it's progress, so it feels good and positive.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/12/15 9:35 P

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The right therapist can be one of the best gifts you ever give yourself! I encourage you to make that happen when you can. emoticon news on the bigger tax return and the advice on dealing with the ex. Sorry about the school drama though. I'll pray for the best outcome for you and the girls--whatever that may be.

I did some shopping, used a Penney's coupon for another queen sheet set on sale, and more of my favorite bras also on sale. I also got a nifty gel foam pillow from the place where I got my bed and mattress--a floor model, so almost 40% off; I'll just launder the zipped cover, and always use with a pillowcase. That will be the last piece of my wonderful new sleeping environment!

Friday when I got to the mall early for my haircut, I dropped by the library there. It's a "browsing library," so it has some newer titles that don't go into the county-wide reservation system. I totally scored on some new books. The new China Bayles mystery, Bittersweet, (there are 55 holds on the other 19 copies in the system) was there, which I didn't even know was out, plus a Terry MacMillan and Dean Koontz (both from 2013) and the brand new final volume in the Order of the Sanguines series by James Rollins (a favorite author) and Rebecca Cantrell. It's a paranormal thriller dealing with Church history, vampires, demons and angels, featuring such historical figures as Rasputin, Judas Iscariot, and Lazarus, and we may be meeting Lucifer in this final chapter! I finished Bittersweet in just over a day, and I'm immersed in Blood Infernal now. I bought the first 2 volumes, Blood Gospel and Innocent Blood, and will pick this up for occasional re-reads, as I've done with others by Rollins.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/12/15 6:08 P

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It sounds like your session was really lovely. I've been in talks with therapists for the kids lately, and that spurred the decision that this summer, when things calm down a bit, I'm going to look for a therapist for myself. the people I've talked with through the local DV center are good, but I need to talk to someone on a more regular basis. There is a lot changing around me, and I want to try to form a relationship with someone who can help me process the change, instead of retreating into isolation, as I normally might.

I've avoided talking about some of the political crap going on at my school this year, but the gist of it was that people who started out with good intentions did a lot of political maneuvering that ended up hurting the school, and it is questionable if the school will be open next year. And if I will have a job there, even if it opens. Our principal will not return, nor will many of the teachers, nor will the office assistant, who is one of my closest friends. It is frightening, also, because if the school is open next year, I don't know that any of the friends I have will be there. One of my great fears is becoming isolated again. The only other social thing I have is martial arts, and that's with a bunch of guys. They just don't really get it.

I had been struggling, too, because my ex had claimed the kids as dependents on his taxes. I had done my takes and realized what had happened, and thought I was in deep doo-doo, because I haven't found a summer job yet. My lawyer said to go to a professional, no matter how much it cost, so I went in yesterday. Not only did she get me a much bigger return, but she was able to instruct me to how to report him, and what documentation to provide. So, it may take a couple of months, but I will get enough that I will have time to find a job for next school year if need be.

Later in the day my daughter asked why I was in such a good mood. I couldn't say "Because your dad is about to get schooled!" so I told her it was because I had such a good workout at martial arts that morning. Also true, just not completely true. emoticon

My youngest asked me about the existence of the Easter Bunny. I hedged. emoticon

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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4/12/15 12:05 A

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I missed my 15 minutes on the dining table last night due to getting home late after hair cut and trying on and buying 2 tops, so I put in a double session today. Feeling good about the progress!

I had a good session with Katie today. I was excited to share to the new bed saga, and she totally got the significance of dumping the bed I had used for so many years that had been my mom's, and therefore a repository of great sadness and loneliness, and before that my mom's & dad's--and the scene of one or more occasions of abuse. I'm rather stunned now that it never occurred to me that I needed to release it. Growing up poor, you just got used to making do with what was available. Now I'm looking forward to finding a new desk that suits me well--and letting go of the one she/they owned and used. I'm not in as big a hurry there, but look forward to letting go of that and any residual energy (and poverty consciousness) it may be carrying.

I also shared about the mental health day I took when work got to me a couple weeks ago, and how I used the time to craft a detailed outline of a number of my concerns at work--and much better and lighter I have felt since getting that out and onto paper--regardless of what is or isn't ever done to address the issues. I'm feeling proud of my growth, and enjoying the parts journaling I do pretty much every day with my morning coffee--how they are getting along and looking out for each other, making discoveries and acknowledging successes. So I was quite surprised when I quieted and checked inside and found a part who shed many a tear as she shared her fears about becoming independent and losing this beautiful relationship with someone who accepts and supports, guides and nurtures me in a way I never had from my parents or any supervisor with the state. (I just realized that my years with Waldenbooks/Borders has been one of my only full-time jobs with a positive relationship with management.) She was afraid I might never find those qualities in a more intimate relationship with someone I can lean on. That led to a good discussion of our therapist-client relationship, and the possibilities that may be found outside of that. Not too surprising that after all those emotions, I took a nap when I got home!
emoticon

Edited by: BLESSEDBEING at: 4/12/2015 (00:43)
Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/10/15 12:45 A

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I totally get the frustration, Amy--though I'm sorry for it. If a good friend told you the same thing--that she hoped to have lost more weight than she has, what would you tell her? (We are often more forgiving or understanding of others.) Wouldn't you encourage her, and congratulate her for her progress and remind her it's a life long quest to live a healthy, balanced, joyful life, and that the journey is not a race--or something along that line? Can you also say that to yourself? Just a thought.

Nothing special to report--pretty much more of the same from yesterday: a pretty good day with a trip to the library instead of Costco after work. Got through some more papers on the dining table. Tomorrow I get my hair trimmed after work.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/10/15 12:28 A

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I'm feeling frustrated by my various virus induced messes. The house isn't just messy...it's verging on dirty. The rabbit is not yet potty trained, which just makes things worse. Plus I got pink-eye. So I can't go to work with my kids. Very frustrating.

Part of the issue is that I wanted to be a lot further along in my weight loss by now. At least by 10 pounds. I'm not feeling very proud of what I've been doing lately. I try to remind myself that I've been really sick and that has contributed to my stall in weight loss, but I am still disappointed.

Sorry. I'm a guest at my own pity party today.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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4/9/15 12:12 A

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Costco for a few groceries after work, 15 minutes of table clearing, a short ST session. And a pretty good day at work.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/8/15 1:04 A

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Worked on my dining table for a little while this evening, tossing papers, going through old mail, filing. Lots more to do, but I made a little dent. emoticon
I also made some excellent soup with lots and lots of veggies--so good! emoticon
Also got a short session of ST in emoticon
So I'm happy making progress in my babystepping way! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Edited by: BLESSEDBEING at: 4/8/2015 (01:05)
Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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4/6/15 11:22 P

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I'm relieved the cooked prawns I bought this weekend were still good (I just forgot about them!) I just had them cold, dipped in cocktail sauce for dinner. I'm also glad the cocktail sauce--Ivar's with lime--hadn't turned, but boy was it *really* hot. I think sitting for months in the jar somehow increased the heat!

Got to a few small chores tonight, will probably hit Costco tomorrow (since they were closed Easter). Almost out off honey, and they have a good price.

I am feeling those isometric exercises in a few muscles!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/6/15 12:06 A

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I'm so sorry you didn't feel well and that your energy, plans, and patience suffered as a result. Please be compassionate with yourself, and emoticon

I try not to feel guilty for not accomplishing more on weekends like this. I got caught up on a few chores, then relaxed with a bunch of reading. I did try some new isometric exercises I found here on Spark.

I've been reading more o Catherine Anderson's Comanche series, and I've been very impressed. Not only does she delve deeply and respectfully into tribal attitudes and beliefs, she deals frankly with racism and abuse against women. The idea of letting yesterday be "as dust" behind you, and focusing only on this moment and in looking forward to the horizon is both intriguing and attractive. I wonder if I can do more to release the past and prevent it from limiting what I feel I can do and have.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/5/15 11:36 P

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We had a great time in San Francisco, then a relaxing day at home, and then...a virus hit. I went to Jiu Jitsu, but I was clearly not quite not up to snuff. Then I took my kids to their Jiu Jitsu class, and the sensei asked"Are you sure this is just allergies?" By the time I got home I told the kids I was just going to lie down until I warmed up, because I was chilled. Turned out I had a fever, and couldn't get up. I hated missing dying eggs with the kids, but I couldn't get out of bed.

I was so sick that the Easter Bunny was far less creative with hiding places this year, And forgot some stuff that was hidden in the closet. Oops.

The worst part was that I broke my login streak emoticon and that I yelled at my kids when they got the house dirty. I mean, I didn't expect spotless after a day unsupervised, but I also didn't expect it to look like a frat house the day after a party. I know it was a holiday, and I usually encourage leaving the Easter Bunny extra hiding places, but I was forced to yell. I did try to avoid laying a guilt trip, but I wasn't very successful. I really think I've got to learn some new parenting techniques to get them to clean up after themselves.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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4/5/15 12:21 A

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Getting caught up on some chores and doing some fun reading. Doing food prep for future meals. Not exciting, but satisfying.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/4/15 12:41 A

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So glad you are aware of your own state and mood, not wanting to rush to medicate, but aware you may require that support or tool--for a while, anyway. I support whatever choice you make--which does not have to be forever!

And how cool that you told the girls they had to do their part, or face the consequences--and that their missing out or messing up doesn't have to mean you will deny yourself. I think that's very good modeling of taking care of yourself.

I made some inroads at work, got some caught up with my fitness challenge (at work) tracking, even ran some numbers for a coworker who is responsible for reviewing our contractor transactions. She's the newest "super user" w/ special access & tasked with catching errors. So I compared the 3 offices in our region and found we did 48.4% of the contractor new applications, renewals and reinstatements, compared to 37.4% and 14.1! And they want to act like we don't do enough, because we don't answer as many phone calls? Seriously? When each of those contractor transactions can easily run 30 minutes to more than an hour--and even then they may not be completed, and therefore not be "counted" because they didn't result in a fiscal transaction--which is how we base the numbers. In comparison, a really long customer phone call usually won't last 10 minutes!

Ok, enough complaining. My friend was very happy to see the actual numbers I found for the first 3 months of the year. Oh, and our supervisor gave everyone Easter goodies and a cute toy--a paddle ball, with instructions not to hit each other or the customers with them. emoticon One other very nice thing was that a customer (a would-be contractor that I spent over an hour with on Tuesday, but couldn't register due to old debts from a company run by a former partner he may not have been involved with at the time) returned and was able to get registered today. Someone else was working with him, and I asked if he had worked everything out. He said yes, and I told him I was very glad. (By the end, he had been pretty upset the other day, finally succumbing to profanity.) When he was finished he asked to speak to me--and he apologized for his behavior (which was certainly not the worst I've witnessed). I told him I understood his feelings, and very much appreciated his apology, and was just very happy it had worked out. The coworker I had my dust-up with the other day made a point to clue the supervisor in to the interaction today, and I got kudos for handling things well. So there are positive developments--which is good and very welcome.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/3/15 11:46 P

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Wow. That's an incredibly productive couple of days!

The last few days, being spring break, got interesting. After harping on the kids for a few days that they needed to finish their chores (cleaning their rooms, cleaning the back of the car, and cleaning the litter boxes) I finally lost it. It shouldn't take days to do your chores, and I have enough work to do without doing their jobs. We had plans to go to San Francisco for the day, so I told them (well, shouted to them) that if they didn't do their work I would get the neighbor to watch them and I would go by myself! I told them that I was sick of missing out on fun stuff just because they did not get things done, so even if it cost more money I was going to hire a sitter and do the fun stuff myself! And I would take it out of their allowance if I had to!

I did help them a little bit (grumbling the whole time and saying "See? It takes 10 minutes, not 3 days!") but they finished in time to go.

We went to the wharf and Chinatown, and the girls enjoyed all the shops (How did I give birth to girls who like to shop? That can NOT have come from my side of the family!) and we had a late lunch in Chinatown. We spent more than I had wanted to because we had to find a restaurant with a rest room (lots of cheaper places just didn't have a public restroom) and because we took one of those tour busses where you can get off & see the sights (just driving in was enough to make me decide to never ever drive in San Francisco if I could possibly avoid it). Overall though, I was glad we did it, and I was much happier at the end of the day.

I have been sinking back into depression, though this time I have been better able to recognize and hold it back. I really don't want to go back on meds. But recognizing how emotionally separated my family is from me has kind of thrown me back into it.

Overall though, the resting and cleaning has helped tremendously. I'm hoping that I can fight the black dog at least awhile.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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4/3/15 12:04 A

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Taking the day off de-stress and get all those anguished thoughts out of my head and into an objective outline of issues that need to be considered or addressed proved to be extremely helpful. I felt much better today, and able to face what turned into an intense day, with lots of contractors late in the day (they take the longest time for us to process).

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/2/15 12:28 A

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And here's today's update:
The whole work situation got to me, including the management fantasy that with our 2 new people hired, we should be all caught up and ready to take on more work beyond what we are already struggling with. I was crying when I went to bed, woke up at 2-something, started crying eve harder, finally got up, made some Tension Tamer tea, and began journaling. I calmed down enough to call in and explain I couldn't come in. I pledged to myself I would write as much as I could about what's bothering me, to express to the supervisor (and run by some of the crew for their input). I worked on it off and on throughout the day. I have 5 pages so far in outline form (Trebuchet 14, so not a tiny font). I am being very thorough, including listing the many tasks that need clear assignments, cross-training, instructions, and regular scheduling as well as tracking.

I have no idea what the supervisor's response will be; I sent it to her a while ago, as well as to myself. But it feels good to get it out there, objectively and in great specificity. It will be interesting to see where this leads, especially when I share it with some of my coworkers.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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4/2/15 12:26 A

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Oops! emoticon Looks like I missed posting this on the SAssies yesterday:
Had a frustrating day at work, constantly interrupted, never able to get to the overdue tasks buried on my desk, weighing on me. (I finally managed to squeeze in my afternoon break from 4:52 to 5:04). At the end of the day, while I was counting out tills with a coworker (I get off at 5:30), she started complaining *again* about one particular peer, and I lost it. I asked her to stop, said I didn't want to hear it. She harps constantly about this one person, and yet won't address the individual; I don't know if she expresses her concerns to the supervisor, but I'm tired of hearing the constant complaints and blaming. I was in no shape to express myself clearly or point out how counterproductive it is to blame individuals for organizational problems and issues of mismanagement--I just wanted her to stop dumping on me. She did, and I hope to follow up later, when I can speak without choking up from being so stressed out and tired of it all.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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3/30/15 11:44 P

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Ha! I totally agree on the guacamole servings! And while it's not helpful to always excuse overindulging, I think special occasions like a birthday are OK to indulge some. I usually cut myself a small piece of cake or pie, or if I'm given a piece that's bigger than I want to eat, I just won't finish it all.

Great picture! Your youngest looks so happy! emoticon What are their names?

It can get pricey to get a new bed. If you are still using the one you had with your ex, I would recommend working toward replacing the mattress when you can, to help clear out negative energy. If that isn't feasible right away, you might try smudging with incense or doing other cleansing, banishing or blessing rituals. Just a different one for now, even if it's not real "good" might be a big improvement.

I'm higher now, which feels a bit odd, but the mattress is really comfortable! I forgot to reset the alarm, and slept a couple hours past when I set it for! I usually have a leisurely time getting around in the morning, but not today! But I only got to work 12 minutes late. Given that I was busy with a contractor from 4 until 4:45, along with a Spanish interpreter on the Language Line, I never got my afternoon break, so actually have a work hour "credit" now, despite coming in late.

Went to TJ's after work, since I stuck close yesterday to rearrange bedroom and paths, and be available to take the scheduling call. My weight was down a little this morning. I wonder if it's partly because of the big release I did?

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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3/30/15 12:47 A

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OMG Amanda, that is awesome! I'm so glad you did that for yourself! Who knows, maybe it will help you in other areas of your life, like your job search. A good nights sleep can make such a difference.

I really want to commit to getting rid of my bed (it's difficult with 2 kids who like to crawl into bed with me at all hours), and eventually get a new one. I'm tempted to sleep on an air mattress, or the floor, but I suspect it will be a long time before I can afford a new mattress that is any good. Still, it might help to clear some of the energy here.


I want to apologize. I actually responded to your post about Trader Joe's, because it reminded me that I needed to go there to prepare for Sara's birthday party. Apparently I was in such a hurry to go that I forgot to hit post. Oops.

Sara turns 7 on Tuesday, so we had a party Saturday at the park (trying to do it before people left on Spring Break). We had fun, but my food intake for the weekend was not smart choices. On the other hand, I refuse to believe that even thin people limit thier guacamole intake to 2 tablespoons. That is just not realistic. (I say this because I watched a thin person eat guacamole at the party!) Half a cup is realistic, but really really not do-able very often.

Edited by: SALAM4545 at: 3/30/2015 (00:48)
What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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3/29/15 11:26 P

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I did it! I bought the bed & mattress, paid for same day delivery, and dropped by Target on the way home to buy a set of queen sheets. Turns out they sell fitted and flat separately (I think my old full flats will work), so I was going to get just one fitted queen for now, but found jersey (really soft, T-shirt like material) sets on sale, so got one in a nice neutral that will go will other linens I have.

Broke down my old bed--got the mattress and box spring off, and dismantled the metal frame, took it out in 2 pieces to the dumpster. The 2 big pieces were too heavy for me to handle alone, so I propped them up against the wall in the bedroom with the hope that for $20, they might carry them out to the dumpster area. Then I vacuumed like mad, picking up the items (mostly cat toys and balls, but a couple earrings, a pen, plus paper scraps) that had made their way under the bed and stayed.

Had to wait for their call to give my a delivery and installation window. Turns out I was their first stop from the warehouse (they leave there at 5, from a nearby town). That gave me time to henna my hair and shower, then clear some paths for them to move the pieces along. They got in just before 5:30, managed to get everything in along those clutter-free paths, and assembled the pieces. And they did agree to haul the old mattress and box spring to the dumpster, even though that wasn't "included." Turns out the new bed's quite a bit longer than my old one, making it a somewhat tight fit. The guys checked on their first placement, and I requested it be pulled over somewhat for easier access on the back side when making the bed. They took care of it, I looked everything over, signed off their papers, gave them their cash tip, and they were gone in less than an hour. I got the bed made, then finished making dinner, and have just been relaxing since.

I didn't get around to regular chores, so will need to deal with things throughout the week. Can't wait for my first night in the new bed!
emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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3/29/15 12:28 A

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Well, I checked a bunch more places today, then went back to the 2 stores I visited last evening. I really liked the salesman at the first store, but I would have to wait weeks. At the second store, I could get a similar bed for a couple hundred less, not quite as pleasing a design as the one I'd have to wait 4 weeks for, and a really good mattress with heat dispersing gel along with the pillow top and good coil construction and firm sides at a very good price. And as of today it was in stock and he offered delivery this afternoon. I had to think on it before committing to spending $1000 on frame, mattress and delivery & installation, but plan to go in tomorrow morning and make arrangements. I'll have time to dismantle the old bed and vacuum like mad before they bring the new one.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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3/28/15 12:25 A

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I did something very different after work tonight--I went looking at beds. The themes in Clutter Busting about finding energy drains in your home got me thinking. No, I don't keep old letters or mementos from old relationships--but out of cheapness, I've been using my mom's old bed--which may carry a lot of loneliness and sorrow, as well as possibly having been the site of one or more instances of my abuse if she was still using what had belonged to her and my father. It's something I had never considered. The energy doesn't feel dark to me, but I have to wonder how it will feel when it's gone, and I have something new and much nicer instead. I'll be spending quite a lot--on the frame (I'm thinking pedestal with 2 built-in drawers at the foot for bed linens--no clutter!) & mattress, delivery and possibly hauling out the old one. But I'm excited, and I want it to be in stock, so I don't have to wait weeks!

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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3/27/15 12:06 A

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Well, I remembered to take my purse with me after work, and I returned to Trader Joe's and got a few groceries, including a quarter ham. I can chop it up and add to salads or soups--yum! emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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3/26/15 12:10 A

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Boy, do I feel silly! I took my shopping list to work, had the grocery bags in the car, drove in the rain to the next town with my Trader Joe's, but before I exited the car, I realized I didn't have my purse! It was still locked up in my overhead cabinet at work.
emoticon
So I drove *very carefully* home, and will have to pick up the intended items tomorrow after work.
emoticon
At least I stayed very calm about it, as getting mad or frustrated would not have changed a thing. So I guess there was a little success hidden in there.
emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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3/25/15 11:47 P

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I think it's totally valid for you to consider how *necessary* such a costly procedure may--or may NOT--be. And while I never had braces, I did have an experience as a kid of pushing a tooth crooked--and then straight--over time, using my tongue!

I got in the habit of running my tongue in the gap between 2 teeth, and when the new tooth started coming in, I kept it up, and it was growing at an angle. The dentist asked me about it, and I admitted what I was doing. He told me I might end up needing braces (which I knew we couldn't afford), or I could use my tongue to push it back in place by running it back and forth behind the teeth and in front, as if smoothing them into an even line. I don't remember how long I kept this up, but it worked, and the gap closed completely. Maybe it can work for your daughter, too.
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Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


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3/25/15 10:39 P

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Wow, that was a really serendipitous way to get a book. I've had book angels lead me to a few good reads, but nothing like that!

BTW thanks for the egg tips.

Took my girls to the dentist today. My youngest needs 5 fillings and a "baby" root canal. emoticon
My oldest needs braces (though it can wait a few years) and DentiCal doesn't cover them. They asked me if I could pay $126 a moth for 4 years (because apparently she needs the braces for at least 2 years) to correct her overbite. I nearly cried. I don't have any savings, or extra money (if I did, I wouldn't qualify for DentiCal). They even made a point of letting me know it's best to do this begore she gets all her grown up molars. She's 9, for heavens sake! Braces are supposed to happen when a kids in double digits! So I felt like a parental failure, because I can not afford this.

It would be for the overbite she inhierited from me though. Which is not very bad. And my experience was that by 3 years after getting my braces off my teeth were right back where they began. So maybe I will investigate more.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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3/24/15 11:32 P

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On another team I heard about a great organization that solicits donations, but when I Googled Carl Perkins Center, it turns out that is only a Tennessee organization. The really close Thrift It store that opened recently is just one lady's business (her tiny website talks about "retail therapy"). So I'll stick with Value Village. I checked their website, and I like their slogan of Good Deeds. Good Deals, plus they have a cool page on the Thrift Cycle, see link: www.valuevillage.com/thrift-store-cy
cl
e.aspx


I met with Katie, and shared how excited I was with the Clutter Busting book, which I brought & she plans to recommend to some clients, and my little dresser drawer victory. Also how I'm just feeling more hopeful, as well as on the verge of something very exciting. And I recognized for the first time how I was led to that book. I wanted to challenge my fear of wandering around Seattle, and to check out metaphysical stores to find products and people to relate to, and in this wonderful store crowded with New Age and spiritual merchandise--I first see this bright red book with a trash can on the cover, called Clutter Busting: Letting Go of What's Holding You Back. It really feels like this is the time for me to let go of a lot of old junk on the outside and the inside, both, and make room for something new & amazing, as well as what really matters.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 717
3/23/15 12:32 A

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Wow, that sounds fabulous! I recently dumped a lot of clothes, but didn't try any on. I think they were mostly too small, and long out of style, but now I wish I had tried. emoticon

I guess I'm looking for egg recipes. I have lots of things to do with the shells, but I really don't usually cook with eggs, especially the whole egg. I use egg whites a lot. But whole eggs, and a lot of them? I'm clueless.

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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BLESSEDBEING's Photo BLESSEDBEING SparkPoints: (112,290)
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3/22/15 10:42 P

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On a whim, I dumped a dresser drawer out on the bed today, went through the items, tried everything on, and ended up with the majority going to the donations pile. Yes! It felt great!
emoticon emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
215
197.5
180
162.5
145
BLESSEDBEING's Photo BLESSEDBEING SparkPoints: (112,290)
Fitness Minutes: (89,000)
Posts: 9,474
3/22/15 10:25 P

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On a whim, I dumped a dresser drawer out on the bed today, went through the items, tried everything on, and ended up with the majority going to the donations pile. Yes! It felt great!
emoticon emoticon

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
215
197.5
180
162.5
145
BLESSEDBEING's Photo BLESSEDBEING SparkPoints: (112,290)
Fitness Minutes: (89,000)
Posts: 9,474
3/22/15 12:00 A

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I haven't colored eggs since I was a kid (many decades ago). Are you asking what to do cooking-wise with the runny insides of the eggs when you empty them? Or about what you'll do craft-wise with the empty shells? I've never blown out eggs before, but my GG co-leader is a very crafty mom of a first grader; she may have some ideas.

Blessed Be, Amanda

"I love myself the way I am, and still I want to grow;
But change outside can only come when deep inside I know:
I'm beautiful and capable of being the best me I can,
And I love myself just the way I am."

[by Jai Josefs in his amazing song I Love Myself the Way I Am]

Co-leader of the Babysteps Brigade (BBs), A Gathering of Goddesses (GGs), Survivors of Abuse (SAssies) teams.


 current weight: 145.0 
 
215
197.5
180
162.5
145
SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 717
3/21/15 10:40 P

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Thanks! I'm working on being compassionate to my family, although I am really angry with them right now. But I am working on it, and trying not to let my kids perceive what exactly is going on with me. Unfortunately I think I regained a few pounds, so I am also working extra hard to treat myself well. Also I am trying to monitor the negative that is coming out of myself.

I had a quiet Ostara, waiting ti the kids were out of the house to plant a few things. Gotta admit, I want to dye eggs soon, for Easter. The thing is, none of us really like hard boiled eggs, and if I blow out the eggs, I gotta figure out how to use the insides. Any ideas?

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
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49.5
66
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