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Thank you, everyone, for opening up my eyes even more.
"We know so much, we know nothing. Outside of both these truths lies a third thing, in a space where the first two intersect and dance and leave behind a gleaming, impossible residue that tastes like God, but probably isn't. What do you think it is?"
Agreed! Thanks very much for keeping this topic alive. I am currently with a man that I adore to pieces and so do most people that know him. He is an amazing father, spouse, friend. He unfortantely as of late, seems to be dealing with some major problems with his family. Sadly, its not only his Dad now (Which it has been for years- due to alcohol, drugs and sex addictions) his dad has alot of good in him but has more bad unfortunately.
My guy is 32 years old. I have known him and dated him since he was 19, so I know him and his family very well.
His mom and sister used to have a good relationship with us. We have recently discovered that the traits that they have recently showed to us, on top of everyone else in their lives, except each other are traits of narcissism. They are certainly too good for everyone, cant admit any wrong doing, all though there is much wrong doing! believe me!!!
At first we believed that it was only his sister who was the narcissist and that with her narcissistic ways she managed to turn his mom on him and us. In a big sense I still believe this, however I am also curious now because I am seeing alot of people talk about their parents being narcisstic as well. We find that when we are a part of his moms life, his sister has to draw attention to her in any way possible, even if it means lying about her own brother and making him look like something he is not. This seems to be the pattern of what his sister has been doing, but then you would also think that their mom would wake up and smell the coffee. He had just begun also a new relationship with their Dad. (We are the nice people as well and we actually have had all three of these people live with us in the last 5 years.) His mom and sister for 2 years and when they moved out, we helped his dad into recovery by letting him live with us for close to one year. He has recovered from hard drugs but stil drinks, gambles and smokes pot. Anyways, during that period my husband became close with his dad again. We could see it was chewing his sister up and some how, she had him turned on us in no time. Not suprising in hind sight I guess.
Anyways its been two years not talking to his mom, she doesnt bother trying. I email once in a while with updates of our kids and pictures, she says thanks. Thats as far as it goes. The sister same thing, havent talked to her in over a year and a half. She still shows up on facebook with random weird lies, to better herself. Its crazy.
In this now, my husband has lost of course his Dad, his mom and his sister to his sisters narcisstic ways. Granted, he could call them up any time and talk with them but refrains because nothing is going to change for a good relationship. He feels that he has reached a milestone in getting over them and not having to deal with them and that if he did contact them he knows things would eventually start over in the same or similar hurtful ways. I read that actually that is the only way to avoid the destruction of a narcisstic person is to stay clear out of their way, dont associate. But how sad it is that its his direct family.
Also, his mom has no relationship with any other family except her sister (who is normal and great) she doesnt talk to her siblings and there are many stories of how horrible the siblings are etc etc.. She doesnt have many friends and has since not bothered seeing other family even that she normally would see. The rest of his family, aunts, uncles, grandparents etc all love him to pieces and cant understand why they bow down and are controlled by the "devil child" and completely abandon basically their first born and respectful and responsible child.
Please note his sister is 25 yrs old now with a baby and now lives back at home leading the blind with her blindness.
Its very disheartening for me and very frustrating for me, because I have tried so hard to keep everyone together. Family to me is very important. Each time I try, I fail, I know its not because of him because he makes his family priority as well. That is another thing that they have held against him is not having 100% of his attention, they could be invited to events where its my famil and his and they are put out by the fact that both families were invited instead of just them.
I reallly could go on and on! So I wont, but if you think you are someone that can relate or talk or help, offer advice or insight please add me!
Thanks for keeping this topic alive. I have learned something here that I did not know even had a name.
I also struggle with a family that exhibit these traits. Even at my age I find myself easily distracted from taking care of me because of the people pleasing and peacemaking role I have played since a child. It is not easy to change these habits. It is not easy to live with the repercussions when I try. My Mom is now 85 and needs more care than she will admit to. I believe it is to late to take a stand with her at this point. Our interactions are heavily laced with criticisms toward me and others. I'm left feeling down and exhausted after most conversations. My health problems are directly related to caring for her because I have not been successful in handling my emotions. I understand it is up to me to change.
Thanks again for sharing.
Leader of MIND~BODY~SOUL Team
I needed this today, I just started speaking to my family again after a 3 year gap. My grandma died and I thought I would be the nice one and offer driving my father out to Utah. I was alright until the end, when things were evident that my family didn't change (even though I grew quite a bit).
My family is not one to give praise or recognize any form of emotion. Sarcasm is laid heavily and they make you feel horrible about yourself because they "love" you. They are above all else the reason you are alive. I lived most of my life trying to prove to my father that I was a great person, I dealt with most of this during my teenage years using narcotics. I always felt the need to prove myself, I realized then that I needed to find a different way to live. That I was killing myself slowly.
Over the past 3 years I grew up, I learned how to be nice. And god bless them, my friends stood by me 100%. Yesterday, I almost let my family win again. I realized that they didn't change, that their thinking of our non-talking was because I was in a mood and needed space. They didn't reflect upon themselves at all in order to realize the underlying reasons of the non-talking.
I now know that I can only change myself and in order to not fall back into that pitfall of a horrible life I need to make my stand. Unfortunately, I have a kid sister that is caught in the middle but I can't allow my emotions to get strangled anymore. I'm happy to see that others are in the same situation that I am in, however, I am sad that people have to go threw this.
Thanks for sharing your experiences, it helps me breath. It gives me hope that one day I can overcome this as well.
"You have to believe in yourself when no one else does. That's what makes you a winner." - Venus Williams
"I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday." -Eleanor Roosevelt
Katherine - No need to worry about the timing of your post. There is a rhythm in the universe. You happened by this thread when you did and I've done the same.
I, too, am a people-pleaser. It has been a liability for much of my life for the very reason you discovered - it makes us targets for needy personalities. However, I think I've comes to terms with myself. I have discovered that I truly enjoy sharing my joy of life with others. For example: I like bringing a smile to someone's face with a positive statement. When it works, it works. The important thing to remember is when it doesn't work, its not because I failed to deliver. It failed because the person was not in a place/space/perspective that was able to accept my offering. It doesn't stop me, derail me or undermine my knowledge that I am a good person.
Remember always that in any personal interaction there are at least two parties involved. You can only be responsible for one of them. Be well, always. (in spite of being surrounded be people who refuse to live their lives without their crippling issues)
There is a rhythm in the universe.
Striving to add value to the world everyday.
Noticed that this topic brought up almost a year ago. Oh well, I just saw it now. and am just going to leave up my blog about it. It is just a shame, this narcisistic disorder. It's a very abusive behavior whether its someone in your family, friends, work, or just run into them at the store, they are icky to people and I will recognize it now for what it is and no one will have their narcisistic power over me again. It is a relief to actually know what it is now and I just have to learn I will not get emotional with them ever again, why? Because they have no feelings towards you whatsoever, its all about them and their benefits.
A couple of months ago my head was spinning around for the upteenth time with trying to deal with one of my sisters. I was like "What in the world" I sat in an absolute state of staring into space like I should be checked unto the fifth floor(assylum). Something in my head told me to look up verbal abuse, I did. I found out what I had been dealing with for 44 years of my life. And one thing that stood out to me was Narcissistic disorder. Fit my sister to a tee. Also my mother. Well now I have been researching this and trying to figure out things that I never knew were the real problem in my relationships. I was the victim, believing alot of lies that have permeated me into living so insecurely, I was a people pleaser, never knowing that I would Never ever ever be good enuf. Now that I know what I know I have a lot of issues I am trying to heal from and I have gotten over my anger now. But I now have to build up who I really am and I wonder if I will ever feel good enough, or have enough confidence in who I am....but I am working on who I am in truth now. Just because they are narcisistic doesn't make them right, and just because they are narcisistic doesn't make them better than me. I am not carrying on the narcissism, but I have been carrying on the abuse I have gotten from it. I have had counseling over the years, and it just never helped, depression medications weren't working either. Then I was finding myself getting full of anxiety so bad it was crippling me where I couldn't be with certain people or family things. Well I think I found out why nothing was working and I was getting worse. So now I am looking for a counselor who can help me deal with my narcisistic mom and sister (And I am not sure how it has affected my other siblings they aren't that narcisistic but we all have some kind of issues in dysfunctional family relations.) anyways...now I know what I am dealing with. And really there is no dealing with it on their end (they are too perfect) but I have to learn how to deal with things on my own and for my protection.
Good point! People with Narcissistic Personality disorder (paraphrasing from www.narcissism101.com/ ... hope this is kosher) will be...
have fantasies of how wonderful they are,
think they are special/unique,
require excessive admiration,
have entitlement issues,
and be envious and arrogant.
Could you possibly give a layman's definition of same? Some folks might have a look at that and say "huh?" Just a thought.
I do think your post is a great idea. I will have to mull this over before I say anything further.
(cross posted on depression board)
I've been reading Karyl McBride's _Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers_ and am finding a lot that resonates with me. My mother's mother (my grandma) is a textbook narcissist. My mom is *not*, though I think she bears -- and passed on -- the legacy of my grandmother's narcissism.
Anyone out there (sons and fathers included!) have experience dealing with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, whether diagnosed or not?
|2012 Accomplishments / 2013 Goals||2/1/2014 10:10:00 AM|