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Posts: 2,460 4/3/08 4:29 P
I agree with Curfgrad 100%! I have been married for 15 years and fianances are always one of our biggest arguement triggers. I wish that 15 years ago I would have had financial discussions prior to marraige. Best Wishes! Carolyn
“Know the true value of time; snatch, seize and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness…never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.”
Fitness Minutes: (12,588) Posts: 407 3/22/08 8:10 P
While financial matters are a huge cause of divorce these days, I don't believe it's a reason to summarily "get rid of" a significant other. As others have suggested, you really should have a serious talk (or multiple talks) with your fiance. And don't be afraid or embarrassed to seek help from a professional counselor or advisor of some sort. Sometimes a neutral 3rd party can get through to someone in a way that the people closest to that person can't.
One approach that is working for me and my husband, and has worked for other couples we know, is to have a joint checking account that all income is deposited into, with the more fiscally responsible person managing that account and using those funds to pay bills, etc. Any surplus money after the monthly bills are paid (and don't forget about "paying" your own savings!) can be divided between two individual accounts, which is your "personal" money. You're not accountable to each other for how you spend the money in your personal accounts, so that still offers some freedom to the less financially responsible person, without endangering the family finances.
Just keep in mind that marriage is all about cooperation and compromise. This may be a major hurdle for you, but the important thing is to communicate openly and with respect toward each other. If you still can't come to resolution after many attempts, including counseling, you may want to consider breaking off the engagement. But PLEASE try to work it out first.
"It is the path of least resistance that makes rivers and men crooked." --Napoleon Hill
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Fitness Minutes: (1,710) Posts: 206 3/21/08 9:49 P
My husband put me in charge of the finances when we got married. I don't put him on a spending budget but I keep less in the checking account so he isn't as likely to spend. But like everyone else has been saying, talk to him about it. Explain to him (nicely please) your concerns about finances. And keep this in mind. Compromise. For example, he may like to buy all name-brand groceries and you go all store brand all the time, make sure you are willing to buy a few of his favorite and he is willing to start trying store brand.
Financial issues are a big reason for divorce as was already stated. But, if you discuss and get everything out on the open...and you both love each other enough to compromise and your approach it was a positive attitude, you two will be just fine. :) That's not to say you will never fight about it.
Honestly, unless there is absolutely no way to work around this issue I personally do not think it is a good reason to "leave someone".
My husband wasn't good with money when I met him. He still isn't as much as I would like him to be. I pay all the bills and keep him apprised of our finances. We discuss financial issues. If you aren't willing to work at a marriage and all the bumps that come along with it then it's probably not a good time for marriage.
There are more people out there today who are not good with money or finances. That doesn't mean they are not a good person in other aspects of their lives. My husband and I still have tiff's about money because we don't always share the same views. We compromise, which is what marriage is about.
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Posts: 19 2/28/08 1:28 P
Y'all need to have a come-to-Jesus talk about money. It's imperative.
My ex husband was bad with money...so bad, in fact, that he bankrupted me as he was walking out the door with the new SUV I'd bought him.
It's not worth it. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in a constant battle with this man? Do you want to be the 100000th caller to Suze Orman who wants to leave a relationship but can't, because you're broke (because of HIM!)?? Get Out! Save Yourself!
We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same. -Carlos Castaneda
Fitness Minutes: (382) Posts: 1,137 2/27/08 7:28 P
if you are already far in debt then start getting advice and start sorting it out now .why wait till you get married to sort it out . surely this way youl find out how well its going to work out
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Fitness Minutes: (65) Posts: 692 2/27/08 5:45 P
I agree with Rjcomputergeek you both need to sit down and talk. If that don't work then you control the spending and if that don't work then you be the judge. Much Luck !!!!!!!
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Fitness Minutes: (10,391) Posts: 3,173 2/27/08 3:29 P
I agree with Cindy and Lisa. My husband is not good with finances at all...well with our personal finances. It has a lot to do with the fact that I do it all so he has just taken it completely for granted that I will always clean up whatever mess he makes. 17 years later, still battling with him.
Only you can decide if you should call it off. Talk to him, seek counseling of some sort and search within yourself. Is the headache of battling him financially worth it? Only you know that answer.
***Live in such a way that those who know you but don't know God, will come to know God because they know you.~Unknown***
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Fitness Minutes: (196,276) Posts: 7,352 2/27/08 3:28 P
I agree with a lot of the posts here about how significant this issue can be and how personal it is and needs to be addressed with him. I would further ask yourself: how important is financial responsibility to you? My husband used to be bad with money when I first met him. But, he was willing to surrender control ( we didn't have much for a long time) and trust my money-management. When our finances were really, really tight, we used to fight about it more often and even though I was in control, he questioned me frequently. After I would show him the in vs. the out and how we need to stay on a budget, he would agree and back off. For us, it is important to live within our means. My husband is definitely more "impulsive" sometimes, but I spend more than I should on groceries, for example, since I am too lazy sometimes to cut coupons, plan ahead etc. So we both have weaknesses and have completely open communication and equal input. One of the best things I ever did for our financial relationship was to put him in charge- it was one of the hardest things I did, but I wanted him to see how hard it was to make a budget and "force" him to stay within the budget. Once he saw where the money went, he had a greater respect and it took a couple of late payments on bills on his part for him to realize that I was the one who was responsible for our good credit and all our financial advantages. As you can see, I firmly believe in budgets. When my husband and I were really tight, we each had a cash spending allowance, which was equal. We sat together, wrote down our weekly needs (money for work etc) and each of us went to the bank and withdrew it bi-weekly. That way, it was a equal decision and a mutual agreement. Now, we are more lax, but we still try to stay within a loose budget. I am in the charge of the bills, but it is his job to sit down once a week and input his receipts into the software, so that he is aware where he is spending money and where it's going. I have to say that money fights are very few and far between and it's been 12 plus yrs of marriage.
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Posts: 1,521 2/27/08 2:48 P
I have to agree with Lisa here. It's an important issue and my husband is horrible with money. Sometimes are biggest differences come from me having to say no to what he wants because we've decided I need to control the money flow. He hates that, and for good reason, who would want to have their money controlled by somebody else. For us, we had no choice...he ran himself to the verge bankruptcy when we were engaged, but thankfully we have my good credit rating. But the debt load is stressful and it's hard and a strain on us.
Ask yourself, and him if you don't know, some questions.... Does he understand the concepts of good finances? If not, is he willing to learn? Does he recognize the importance to you of having a good credit rating and no or low debt loads? If he does, is he willing to make changes to support that goal? Does he get stressed about bills? Do you?
And I guess one of the most telling things to look at...When you talk to him about finances, do discussions go smoothly? Or do you end up having a huge argument?
You don't have to have the same outlook or the same spending patterns. But you need to be able to recognize what is important to each other and both be willing to make adjustments to accomodate each other. How much can you really spend without going into debt? Can he live within that budget?
You should bothy have a clear idea in mind of what your finances will look like as a couple. How much will there be in savings, how much debt is acceptable to you, is having fun more important that living below your means?
Live by what you love and not by what you fear - author unknown
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Posts: 1,256 2/27/08 2:24 P
It can be an ongoing battle.. my spouse is bad with money.. and even though I now control it all it still makes waves because at times he resents that I control it.. as well, he will sometimes go behind my back and make bills. (23 years together) It has been a problem for us from day one.. and it's not going away because it's the core of who we are as people... nobody is changing.
It is a pretty serious difference to have.. much like what religion are you vs him.. and do you both want children etc. In those biggies if one sees it one way and the other one sees it another way.. it can/will be problematic.
Good luck! I hope you are able to resolve it.
~LIfe's best defense against low self-worth -- be the kind of person that you admire~
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Posts: 1,840 2/27/08 2:00 P
Subjects like views on money, kids, relationships, the houshold in general are things couples need to talk about before they get married.
For marriages of 7 years and less, "money fights/problems" are the NUMBER ONE cause of divorce. It's a big issue to me, not because of the money, but because if I feel strongly about something I need to know he'll do everything he can to accomodate that. Like I would do for him. It's a communication issue. Talk to your fiance!!!! If you need help expressing yourself, get your pastor's/spiritual leader's help or a professional counselor. Slow down and get this issue resolved. Keep telling him you love him (based on your email, I believe that you do, deeply) and keep sharing with him how important this is to you.
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Posts: 2,539 2/26/08 7:54 P
I agree that a major cause of divorce is finances. You will need to make this decision on your own, just think about all of it with your eyes wide opened and without the rose colored glasses.
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Posts: 2,478 2/26/08 4:32 P
Since one of the major causes of divorce is finances, I would take a close look at your relationsip. Only you know what is best for you and your fiancé. Best wishes as you make your decision!
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for a future of hope and good, not evil." Jeremiah 29:11
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Posts: 2,920 2/26/08 10:37 A
I agree with he previous post discuss this with him and if that doesn't work maybe get some financial counselling. My ex-boyfriend and I did that and we had major differences that couldn't be settled. Not the reason for the break up though, but I did take over most of the bill paying after he didn't understand what was essential to pay and what was a luxury to pay. Good luck
No one need live a minute longer as he is, because the Creator endowed us with the ability to change ourselves.” - J.C. Penney
Posts: 213 2/26/08 8:57 A
My thought is to be talking about this *with him* Show him how far in debt you are, your budget, etc. If he still doesn't see the light, suggest that you control the money, and you'll make sure he has the money for what he wants (in the form of an allowance, for lack of a better word).
In the end, if he *really* can't budge with you, and this is something that really means alot to you, then you will need to weigh the hasstle of fighting about this the rest of your life with your love for him. Only you know the answer to that.
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Posts: 34 2/26/08 8:42 A
Ok, I have a big question. Would you ever consider leaving your husband/fiance just because they were bad with money? I've been engaged for over two years, and we're planning on getting married just over a year from now. Because of this, I've been talking on a wedding planning board, and I managed to bring up at some point the my fiance is *horrible* with money. Half the girls on the board think I should leave him because of that. I think that is a ridiculous idea, but since most of those girls are well off, I wanted to see what some people who understand money problems would think. Also, do you have any advice on how to make him understand how far in debt we are?
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