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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
3/2/11 1:27 A

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The Family Feud

Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud (Family Fortunes in the UK):

Name something a blind person might use: a sword

Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin

Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar

Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse

Name something that floats in the bath: water

Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair

Name something red: my cardigan

Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal: mail

Name a number you have to memorize: 7

Name something you do before going to bed: sleep

Name something you put on walls: roofs

Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow

Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes

Name something you might be allergic to: skiing

Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters

Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet

Name a continent: Italy

Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog

Name something slippery: a con man

Name a kind of ache: a pancake

Name a food that can be brown or white: potato

Name a potato topping: jam

Name a famous Scotsman: Jock

Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones

Name something with a hole in it: window

Name a non-living object with legs: plant

Name a domestic animal: leopard

Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee

Name a way of cooking fish: cod

Name something you clean: your sister



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
2/27/11 1:46 P

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English is Hard!!

A poem on the difficulty of pronouncing English

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation ... think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough ???
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!

Edited by: JUKEBOX2 at: 2/27/2011 (13:47)
Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
2/27/11 9:49 A

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I Love it!

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Canadian Scottish, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Sergeant, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

.....Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.


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LIL-VIXEN's Photo LIL-VIXEN SparkPoints: (50,294)
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12/5/10 9:58 P

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Teacher Arrested...

I found this funny because of the play on words...

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the U.S. attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," the attorney general said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President George W. Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes!!!"


"Remember a smile is a facelift that's in everyone's price range!"



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SHIRLEYX's Photo SHIRLEYX Posts: 7,606
11/28/10 4:31 P

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Truly priceless!

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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
11/27/10 11:28 A

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Pregnant Turkey

*This is priceless - would love to do this.*

One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.
When my sister left my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face my mother
exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant
bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news
my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that
turkeys lay eggs!

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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
11/2/10 10:15 P

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I liked it too!

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BOBBIENORTHERN's Photo BOBBIENORTHERN SparkPoints: (52,737)
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11/2/10 1:15 P

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I havent laughed this hard for a little while, it sure does help to help thanks Ray



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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
11/2/10 12:49 A

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David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music; he tried everything he knew. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming horrible expletives. Then, suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.” David was astounded at the bird’s change
of attitude and was about to ask what had changed him . . . when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”



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DJ4HEALTH's Photo DJ4HEALTH Posts: 41,593
10/29/10 11:59 P

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emoticon

Dorothy

If you tell God no because He won't explain the reason He wants you to do something, you are actually hindering His blessing. But when you say yes to Him, all of heaven opens to pour out His goodness and reward your obedience. What matters more than material blessings are the things He is teaching us in our spirit.
Charles Stanley


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10/6/10 1:39 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon me too



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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
10/6/10 2:08 A

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I'm still laughing!

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10/5/10 11:32 A

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I have to comment again, these are really funny and so human, they made me laugh a second time around.



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SHIRLEYX's Photo SHIRLEYX Posts: 7,606
10/5/10 10:29 A

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So funny. I love to laugh and you are the best at making that happen. As always, thanks!

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10/4/10 10:19 P

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this is some great true to life humor, and, the last one really is the best, thanks for making me laugh.



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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
10/4/10 10:06 P

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________
____

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________
____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________
___

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________
____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
________________________________________
___

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
________________________________________
_

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
________________________________________
____

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________
____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

________________________________________
____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________
_

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________
_

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
________________________________________
____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


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9/26/10 9:28 P

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Love your wonderful humor thanks, isnt life great that we can make each laugh? emoticon emoticon



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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
9/26/10 8:35 A

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Blonde Convention

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"




Republican or Democrat?

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am,"replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am,"replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it's my fault."
______________________________________
Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids

It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.

Dogs cannot lie.

Dogs never resist nap time.

You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.

Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.

Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.

Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.

Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.

Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42

Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000
_____________________________________

Motorcycle Ride

There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.

The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?"

The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

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SHIRLEYX's Photo SHIRLEYX Posts: 7,606
9/20/10 11:17 A

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Thanks! emoticon

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9/19/10 1:11 P

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emoticon that poor little boy, I wonder what he was expecting?



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9/19/10 1:09 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon all he had to do was change his underwear size, I am really laughing with this one



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9/19/10 1:06 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon The Forest Gump only you could come up with something so precious and funny, you made my week with this one thanks



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9/19/10 1:02 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon these are just great and so true.



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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
9/15/10 1:46 A

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Truthful Sayings?

Wisdom from Grandpa...

- Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

- Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

- Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

- When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

- If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

- On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

- A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

- The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

- Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.

- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.




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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
9/14/10 11:01 P

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Forrest Gump

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd! be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ..."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this,and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."




Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
9/14/10 9:59 P

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The doctor said, 'Bob, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.


When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see. Size 44 long.'

Bob laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Bob tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Bob admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Bob thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Bob and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Bob was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Bob tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Bob walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for amoment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.'

Bob laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.'



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

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SHIRLEYX's Photo SHIRLEYX Posts: 7,606
9/8/10 1:28 P

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Tee hee! Keep 'em coming Ray!

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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
9/4/10 6:47 P

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The Church Plaque

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year- old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"




Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
9/2/10 12:30 A

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Fireflies

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"

The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.

"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"

"I did," admitted the youngster.

"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?"

"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."


Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
8/31/10 11:47 A

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Windows Problem

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
________________________________________
___



Cat Quotes

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez

"There is no snooze button for a cat that wants breakfast."
-Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another."
- Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
- Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
- Faith Resnick

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
- Hippolyte Taine

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
- Anonymous

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer

The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
- Ernest Menaul

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."
- Anonymous

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
- Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."
- Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
- John S. Nichols

"The smallest feline is a masterpiece."
-- Leonardo Da Vinci

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Anonymous

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
8/29/10 8:46 P

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Invitation Replies To A Scientist's Ball

Ampere was worried he wasn't current.

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin waited to see what evolved.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Dr. Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Edison thought it would be illuminating.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.

Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.

Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.

Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."

Newton planned to drop in.

Ohm resisted the idea.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

Volta was electrified, and Archemedes buoyant at the thought.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orwell could get a flight.
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Job Candidate

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yes, but you started it."
_______________________________________


Crowded Airliner

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
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Photography

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
8/28/10 8:13 P

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I Am A Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and said, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly... but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."




Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
8/28/10 6:08 P

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Things To Ponder

- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."

- Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?

- You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

- Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Nave spelled backwards?

- The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!

- A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: "This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. ... Violators Will Be Toad."
_____________________________________

911

911 Call: A man called 911 and spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the dispatcher asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
___________________________________

Heart Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running."



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
8/27/10 10:52 P

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The Good Ol' Days

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular...

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!

Then Grandpa said sadly ..."You can't DO that any more...they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look......"
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Final Wishes

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!"
_____________________________________

Buying Fabric

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
________________________________________
______

The Big Business Way

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

But what then, senor?

The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.

Millions, senor? Then what?

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."





Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
8/27/10 10:42 P

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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


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A blonde, brunette and a red-head were trapped on a island 20 miles from shore. The red-head started swimming and got tired after 2 miles and turned around and swam back. Then the brunette started to swim and after 7 miles of swimming she turned back. The blonde jumped in and swam 17 miles got tired and turned back.


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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-gun called back."


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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.....I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."


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A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''

The blond yelled at the doctor... ''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
8/26/10 10:49 P

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Advertising Terms Explained

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it
________________________________________
____



The Blonde Kidnapper

Jodi, a blonde, was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Jodi -- the Blonde."

Jodi then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Jodi opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
________________________________________
_

Fire!

A fire started in some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight toward the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames, and stopped. The volunteers jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
___________________________________

Catch and Release -

A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook -

1. A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. 2. A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. 3. The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings, (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook)

Line -

Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure -

An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel -

A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod -

An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School -

A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for Spam instead.

Tackle -

What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box -

A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive 'first aid kit'. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

Test -

1. The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.

2. A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.





Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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8/25/10 11:15 P

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New Yahoo CEO Shaking Things Up
Yahoo's new CEO has taken over and she's taking on the slackers.
Yahoo, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO to lead their struggling internet company. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers and, while on a tour of the headquarters, she spotted a guy leaning against a wall while the rest of the room was busy working.

Seeing this as an opportunity to set the standard and make some noise, she walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at her and replied, "About $350 a week. Why?" The brash new CEO shuffled $1,400 in cash at the guy and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about herself, the CEO glanced around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy SOB did around here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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8/25/10 11:08 P

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Rays Trivia Time!

Q1: Some months have 30 days, others have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?


Q2: Before Mount Everest was discovered, which was the highest mountain on our planet?


Q3: Which is correct: 137 plus 191 is 338. Or 137 plus 191 are 338?


Q4: What did the girl watch say to the boy watch?


Q5: Unscramble this: kgrewboctktao





ANSWERS

Q1 All Months have 28 days

Q2 Mount Everest Itself

Q3 They both are wrong... 137 plus 191 equals 328

Q4 Keep your hands off of me!

Q5 Get Back To Work!

Q6 Bonus Question: Did I make you smile?

Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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DJ4HEALTH's Photo DJ4HEALTH Posts: 41,593
8/25/10 11:02 P

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emoticon emoticon

Dorothy

If you tell God no because He won't explain the reason He wants you to do something, you are actually hindering His blessing. But when you say yes to Him, all of heaven opens to pour out His goodness and reward your obedience. What matters more than material blessings are the things He is teaching us in our spirit.
Charles Stanley


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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
8/25/10 8:28 P

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Motherly Lessons

My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE... "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION... "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL... "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC... "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT... "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY... "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS... "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM... "Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA... "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER... "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY... "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE... "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION... "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY... "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"




Edited by: JUKEBOX2 at: 8/25/2010 (20:29)
Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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8/24/10 7:00 P

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I love the Toddler Diet! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Indian standard Time!


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8/24/10 3:21 P

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Fireman

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
_______________________________________

The Miracle Toddler Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Eat a half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
________________________________________
____


Butcher Shop

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"
________________________________________
___

To Do List

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

Commit To Fit


Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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8/23/10 5:25 P

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Live-In Maid

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."




Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

Commit To Fit


Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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8/22/10 10:34 P

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Sherlock Holmes - Elementary Dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.
________________________________________
_________

Four Good Jokes That Have Stood the Test of Time
The American and the Welsh farmers
An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.

'How big is your spread?' , asked the American. 'Well look you, it's about 20 acres he said' . Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I'll be lucky to cover half my farm'. 'Dew dew', said the Welshman, 'I once had horse like that, but sent him to the Bone yard.'
________________________________________
________

Windy Tale?
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it? 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' The third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.
________________________________________
_______

This Will Rot More than Your Teeth
The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.

'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'
________________________________________
________

Divine Intervention
'I'm in a terrible fix,' moaned Raymond. 'I'm in love with two girls and I don't know which to marry.'

'No problem,' said Sean to the Englishman. 'I know you're not a Catholic but I think the church could help you. Call in tomorrow morning, kneel down and try a sincere prayer to God - that should do the trick.'

Next morning Sean arrived to find Raymond with a beaming smile.

'It worked. It's a miracle,' Raymond enthused. 'I walked in, knelt down and there it was written in red across the altar cloth: AVE MARIA!'
________________________________________
______-

Good One-liners - Deliberately Chosen to Give Variety and Surprise
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
War Dims Hope for Peace. (Newspaper headline)
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.'
I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.
Include your children when baking your cookies. (Newspaper leader)
'I hate music, especially when it's played.' - Jimmy Durante
Close, but no cigar!
________________________________________
_______

Difficult Landing
The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a - 'Thanks for flying XYZ airline'.

An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard. In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a smart comment. However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell shocked to say anything.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' Why no Ma'am,' said the pilot, 'What is it', the little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'


Divine Intervention
'I'm in a terrible fix,' moaned Raymond. 'I'm in love with two girls and I don't know whether to propose to Wendy or Mary.'

'No problem,' said Sean to the Englishman. 'I know you're not a Catholic but I think the church could help you. Call in tomorrow morning, kneel down and try a sincere prayer to God - that should do the trick.'

Next morning Sean arrived to find Raymond with a beaming smile.

'It worked. It's a miracle,' Raymond enthused. 'I walked in, knelt down and there it was written in red across the altar cloth: AVE MARIA!'



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

Commit To Fit


Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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8/22/10 8:15 P

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Weird Labor Math

The year is made of 365 days having 24 hours, 12 of which are night time hours which add up to 182 days.

This leaves you with 183 days of work minus 52 Sundays which leaves you 131 days to work minus 52 Saturdays which leaves you 79 days to work and there are four hours each day set aside for eating which adds to 60 days which leaves you 19 days for working, and are entitled to 15 days for your vacation which leaves you 4 days left for work minus 3 days usually taken off due to illness or other emergencies, which leaves you one day to work which happens to be a Labor day, which is a holiday.


Water Pump

A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28- ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy. "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"

"A Datsun."

As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am.

That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number...

Coffee Break with Surgeons

5 surgeons are taking a coffee break:

1st surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2nd surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

3rd surgeon says, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."

4th surgeon says, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

5th surgeon says, "I like engineers ... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

Dog Quotes

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings





Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

Commit To Fit


Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


 current weight: 228.0 
 
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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
8/21/10 11:58 P

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Bathroom Commode

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC: "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous...even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.
Sincerely, (Campground Owner)



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

Commit To Fit


Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


 current weight: 228.0 
 
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8/21/10 11:02 P

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High Mileage - A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar. The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal." "That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car." "Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice. About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?" "No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it." - Source Blond - Blonde Jokes, Humor and Satire



Pass me another blanket - A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." - Source Travel Jokes, Humor and Satire



Romantic At Heart - A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?" "But why?" asks the man. "Im a divorce lawyer." - Source Legal Humor - Lawyer Jokes - Attorney Jokes



Smile For The Camera - A drug dealer decided to impress his friends by hiring a limousine for a big night on the town. His first stop was at a posh suburban residence to sell some cocaine to a rather influential individual. Hoping to earn a little extra profit by blackmailing his wealthy customer, the crook handed a camcorder to the limo driver and asked him to record the event for posterity. The driver, a an off duty police officer, was happy to comply


Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

Commit To Fit


Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


 current weight: 228.0 
 
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8/21/10 10:41 P

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Singing Frog - A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
8/21/10 10:32 P

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maybe a couple of times...

Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

Commit To Fit


Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


 current weight: 228.0 
 
330
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DJ4HEALTH's Photo DJ4HEALTH Posts: 41,593
8/21/10 10:28 P

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emoticon Now she needs to bop him on his head.

Dorothy

If you tell God no because He won't explain the reason He wants you to do something, you are actually hindering His blessing. But when you say yes to Him, all of heaven opens to pour out His goodness and reward your obedience. What matters more than material blessings are the things He is teaching us in our spirit.
Charles Stanley


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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
8/21/10 10:28 P

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The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

Commit To Fit


Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


 current weight: 228.0 
 
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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,020
8/21/10 8:31 P

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Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.


Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

Commit To Fit


Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


 current weight: 228.0 
 
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