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TOPIC:   "I'm not pretty" - from my 12 year old daughter 


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FITTERLIFE4ME
FITTERLIFE4ME's Photo Posts: 1,744
9/17/10 10:32 A

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I would say the most important thing is to educate your girls about nutrition and healthy eating, make it very straightforward that skipping meals is bad for them and tell them that a lot of people going without meals actually put weight on because there body goes into starvation mode, missing breakfast will mean your tired all day and can't concentrate or feel good.
You are in the best position to educate but really make it positive and open, honest

I think the biggest mistake parents make sometimes is labeling there kids as 'your overweight', you have an 'eating disorder', you are wrong...negative affirmations just lower there self esteem and make it a bigger issue than it has to be.

So stay positive and remember it doesn't happen overnight, little changes

~Kate~


-DYET-
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9/15/10 1:01 P

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Thanks for all your posts! We are working together to get through these tough middle school times.


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BLUEJEAN_GIRL
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9/7/10 8:59 A

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Eating disorders have been around longer than when Karen Carpenter died from anorexia.

One of the actresses in White Christmas (1954), Vera Ellen, suffered from anorexia. If you watch the movie, you can see how underweight she is. She left acting soon after making that movie due to the anorexia. She died in 1981 so it sounds like she may have been able to get help for her condition.


"But a Constitution of Government once changed from Freedom, can never be restored. Liberty, once lost, is lost forever."

~ John Adams, 1775


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FITTERLIFE4ME
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9/6/10 4:59 P

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eating disorders have been around since Karen Carpenter... no kid is immune to having off days either...

just look for any signs and symptoms!

keep the channel of communication open because if they are having problems they usually confide in their friends first but YOU can be there to drill it in how unhealthy there attitude is and work on getting support asap.



~Kate~


LAURA9021
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8/18/10 3:36 P

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Thanks for the advice! I am sure it was a boy, she has been "boy crazy" for a long, long time (and she is only 11)! Definitely be glad you have boys!! emoticon


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CMFARRA
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8/17/10 4:02 P

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It sounds like she's doing well, although for some reason it's not getting in to her head! Who knows, maybe somebody said something stupid to her or some boy she likes happens to like stick figures or something! :-)
I guess all I can say is keep offering healthy foods and hopefully she'll come around!

www.amway.com/mcfarra


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LAURA9021
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8/17/10 3:49 P

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I have not had a chance to log in for a few days. Thanks for getting back to me! My daughter does exercise with her father since he is home during the day and she is still out of school on summer vacation. I do not really know why she does not like to eat in front of people and I do not think she even realizes that I have noticed! She went to a park program most of the summer from 9 to 12:30. The kids were allowed to bring lunch or a snack, but she refused to bring anything with her except for water - she was absolutely starving when she got home! I think she is just so self conscious about her weight (for no reason) that she does not want her peers to see her eat. I think she feels that they will judge her if they see what she eats (even though she should not feel that way for any reason). She does eat pretty healthy, lots of fruit and veggies, not too big on meat or milk, and of course like any other kid she likes junk food occasionally - chocolate, chips, the usual. emoticon


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CMFARRA
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8/13/10 4:06 P

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Do you have her exercise with you? That would take care of her desire to exercise but you'd be able to monitor it and teach healthy habits at the same time.
As far as eating at school is concerned - try to make sure she has a good breakfast. Is she interested in school? Explaining to her that her brain needs the energy from lunch to get through her afternoon classes may help. That or how embarassing it would be for her to fall asleep in class or not understand the question put to her because she was unable to pay attention may also help. Get her cooperation in packing her lunch. Even if it's just "diet" food like a yogurt and some carrot sticks at least it would be something. Do you pack your lunch? Maybe she'd be interested to know what you choose to take with you. Do you know why she doesn't like to eat in front of people? Is it weight related? Did someone say something stupid to her like "ew, I can hear you chewing, that's gross!"? If it's weight related then you can tell her she can be an example to her friends by eating healthy. Eating healthy now will provide her with strong bones, tendons, and muscles that she'll need when she's older. It's difficult to participate in fun activities at college, or, later, carry a child if you don't have strong bones and muscles.
Good luck! I'm just glad I have boys!emoticon

www.amway.com/mcfarra


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LAURA9021
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8/13/10 3:49 P

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Thanks. I do point out the good qualities she has and actually since I took her to the doctor she has stopped secretly exercising. She does not like to eat in front of people however so I am a little worried with school right around the corner - she can not go all day and not eat! She will be in sixth grade this year and the lunch monitors do not really "monitor" the children to make sure they eat and sending food won't help because she could just throw it away - any ideas???


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CMFARRA
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8/13/10 3:46 P

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LAURA - if your daughter is exercising in secret and doesn't like to eat in front of people then you should be worried.
I think instead of just telling daughters that they are pretty we need to be more specific. Putting her in front of a mirror and saying "look how beautiful your eyes are? and your lashes - many women would kill for your lashes" or something like that. And be honest - "your chin may be a little pointy but unfortunately you got my chin - see?" and compare them. Just saying, arguing, "you are pretty" doesn't quite cut it. I like to watch "What Not To Wear" on TLC. They deal with all body types and always point out the person's good points, and teach them how to camouflage bad points.

www.amway.com/mcfarra


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LAURA9021
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8/13/10 3:29 P

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My 11 year old daughter says the same thing, that I say she is pretty because I am her mom. She also constantly says she is fat. A few months ago I did bring her to the doctor so he could confirm that she is not fat - I was becoming worried because she says it so much and I could hear her exercising in her room before bed every night. She also does not like to eat in front of people so I am always worried about her. I think the best thing to do is keep reassuring our daughters and to watch them closely so they do not develop eating disorders.


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TRISHATRYIN
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8/13/10 1:24 P

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seems that way to me too..it's a mean age.


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DGIBSON61
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8/13/10 11:08 A

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I have found that kids @ 12-15 yrs old are extremely cruel to each other. Middle school is the worst. My son actually got into a fight in middle school because of some scrawny kid calling him fat over and over again and he finally got sick of it.


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JUSTMEJUDY
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8/12/10 5:30 P

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Sounds like you handled it well. Society has made it so hard for girls, with all the magazines and shows of all the pretty skinny girls. Unfortunetly we have the hard time of trying to make our kids see themselves in a good light. I have shown my daughter online pics of some of these glamorous ones without all their makeup and photoshopped pics, it seemed to make her feel better. She also recently found out that Selena Gomez has a hard time likeing herself.


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TRISHATRYIN
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8/12/10 12:48 P

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DYET, i think you handled it remarkably well. my daughter (she turned 13 in june) has said the same thing..thinks she's ugly..kids have told her that. it's sad. i think she first started worrying about her appearance in 3rd or 4th grade. so young..
KT67366, my daughter kinda sounds the same as your daughter.. & it'll be like 9 at night & she'll be like 'im hungry' & i'll tell her 'we had supper. just go on to bed & go to sleep & we'll eat again in the morning' then she gets offended (sometimes, not always) like i called her fat. it's frustrating & i don't want to give her a complex, but she has gained 10-15 lbs this summer (also started her period this summer)..so she's sensitive about it.
MRSBARBARA, good luck with your girl. it upsets me to hear that..i don't know what to tell you though..


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CMFARRA
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8/12/10 9:05 A

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MRSBARBARA - Your daughter is in the process of developing an eating disorder. She is too young to "just quit," she doesn't have the emotional or psychological maturity to do it without a great deal of help. You need to sit down with her and make a plan. If she truly wants to quit with your help then you have to make plans about how she stays with you for at least 1-2 hours after she eats, work on meal plans with her, and get her involved with your exercise plans - it will help keep you motivated as well. Explain to her (not that it matters to young girls) that her body in on the edge of going through a bunch of changes and is going to need all those calories for energy or she's going to cause problems with her body that will follow her in to adulthood. If she doesn't maintain proper, healthy, calorie intake now she may end up shorter than she would have been, her bones may be weaker, and she may end up more susceptible to colds and other infections. And, although boys (and men) may like to look at those skinny models they prefer to snuggle with someone who has a bit more cushion! It's painful to have skin and bones sitting on your lap!

www.amway.com/mcfarra


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-DYET-
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8/12/10 8:15 A

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MRSBARBARA: I am so sorry to hear about your daughter!! That has to be super tough. I truly dont know what I would do in your shoes.

Luckily, my DD has not done anything like that, thank the LORD! Hang in there!!


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KIM--POSSIBLE
KIM--POSSIBLE's Photo Posts: 2,570
8/11/10 10:17 P

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If she is showing signs of an eating disorder, I would start with talking with her doctor about it and keep communication very open with your daughter. Make sure she knows that she can talk to you and tell you how she is feeling.

It kills me that our children have this idea that if they aren't super skinny, then they need to lose weight. I was that child myself, and it has only gotten worse since I was a teen! I can see now how some of my behaviors were borderline eating disordered, and that I wasn't fat even though I wasn't super skinny. Just couldn't see it then, unfortunately. Felt a lot of unnecessary stress and frustration with my weight as a teen. Now, happy to be only slightly heavier than I was back then!

~~Kim in NC~ EDT
Aug 2009: 175
Dec 2009: 142
Aug - Dec 2012: 135 size 4
*30lb gain in 8 weeks*
Feb 2013: 164
Hypothyroid Diagnosis,
April/13: 166 size 12-14
July/13 Jaw surgery
Sept- confirmed Hashimoto's
Dec 2013: 162
March 2014: 155
Goal: 135-140 size 4
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength!"~ Unknown


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MRSBARBARA
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8/11/10 10:04 P

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My 12 year old daughter told me she thinks she is fat and has been throwing up twice a day for the last week!!! she was crying and said she would stop i dont know what to do she is obviously really hurting to go that far, she doesn't want me to tell anyone, i beleive she will quit but she needs help. any ideas would be great. i tried to log her into sparkpeople so she could just track what she eats so she will see the affects of the types of food she eats but she is not old enough.

Stay loved, stay loving, stay safe. Barbara Klein


CMFARRA
CMFARRA's Photo Posts: 602
8/11/10 1:20 P

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These kinds of things make me glad I have all boys. If they start complaining about stuff we just tell them to suck it up, change it if they can and accept it if they can't. :-)
It sounds as if you have handled it as well as you could. Pointing out her good points is about the best way you can handle it. At 12 she still has a lot of growing to do, even if it's not in height. If they've put on weight their bodies may be ready for a growth spurt. If they have chubby cheeks or a large nose they still have to "grow in to" their face. If they have big feet they may be getting taller. Everyone thinks of puberty as a time when your hormones go crazy and you get taller. But faces also change - either slimming down or filling out - and, of course, below the neck curves appear. Either a young girl with a slim, boyish figure will start developing curves or a chubby girl will start slimming down a little and her curves will start to emerge. With the hormones and growth appetites will increase. You have to provide healthy alternatives and continue to teach them about eating properly and making good choices. Keep them as active as you can. My husband coaches women's soccer at a local college. Getting girls involved with sports or other activities can go a LONG way in increasing their self esteem. If they're not the athletic type (I wasn't) get them to volunteer at the local hospital, nursing home, etc. Being involved with a team or caring for others is a great way to get them to think outside themselves.
The only other thing you can do is tell them to be patient! A new haircut or some new clothes can't hurt!

www.amway.com/mcfarra


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KIM--POSSIBLE
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8/11/10 10:09 A

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I know how you feel, but really don't have any suggestions. It sounds like you handled it very well, though.

My 12yo keeps saying she is fat. It has gotten worse since I have lost a lot of weight in the last year, and we wear close to the same size. It frustrates me to no end. She is slightly overweight, hitting puberty and just got her period a few weeks ago. But she balks at healthy eating and constantly complains that she is hungry, wants to eat unhealthy foods, etc. I pointed out to her, gently and lightheartedly, last night that she is contradicting herself with that. She will say "I am fat, you can't tell me I'm not" and then a little while later ask to eat a fatty, unhealthy MEAL for a bedtime snack when she already ate a full dinner.

As far as healthy eating, I don't force anything on them (we have 5 kids). I talk about what I am doing and why. They see me read labels and plan for healthy options. Some things I have changed how I cook them for everyone, sometimes I just make myself something different.

She found some pictures from when she was younger and very skinny (I was actually worried she was too small). Her weight doubled in 2 years when she went from actively playing soccer and taking gymnastics to only playing goalie for soccer. Her closest friends are also very slim (probably don't weigh as much as my 7 year old, and they are 12-13)

I am frustrated with it, but don't know what I can do to help her.

~~Kim in NC~ EDT
Aug 2009: 175
Dec 2009: 142
Aug - Dec 2012: 135 size 4
*30lb gain in 8 weeks*
Feb 2013: 164
Hypothyroid Diagnosis,
April/13: 166 size 12-14
July/13 Jaw surgery
Sept- confirmed Hashimoto's
Dec 2013: 162
March 2014: 155
Goal: 135-140 size 4
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength!"~ Unknown


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SPIEGY
SPIEGY's Photo Posts: 634
8/11/10 9:44 A

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Oh no! I hope she took what you said to heart.

When the blues whomp you up on the side of the head, throw them to the floor and kick them out the door... -- the B'52s


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-DYET-
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8/11/10 8:48 A

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Mom, dont say I am just because you are my mom. The other girls are so much prettier than me. UGH!! What do you do to make your kids feel pretty/handsome? I talked to my daughter and we pointed out her good qualities (inside and out). Whew, that was rough!


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