Last night I was coming home from work, and I really wanted to stop at the store and get these ridiculous seasonal carmel corn corn cobs. They are carmel corn shaped into a corn cob and the store get's one batch every year and when they are gone they are gone.
I really could care less about carmel corn but these, for some reason, have become a compulsion of sorts. They are more like a popcorn ball really and I think they elicit some old memory of childhood and my delve into food as comfort. There was a time in my eating disorder where I would make popcorn balls and binge on them. Sometimes when I am tired, and depleted, I confuse that with sadness. The sadness of fall when it get's dark so early, and I feel alone in the world. That is a really old feeling. And honestly, sugar was the only thing I had to look forward to for many many years. I was so lonely and isolated in my family that sugar was like my secret friend. It buoyed me when there was absolutely nothing else.
I am really wanting to end the struggle with food, and sugar is at the center of it. I think I just crave it when any kind of old sadness waves over me. I am not sad in my life right now I am happier than I have ever been. I think learning to identify that feeling when it comes up will be key. I really do feel ready to end my abuse of food and I think my internal child is really scared about how to face the scary feelings without it.
I am happy for the support here.
| current weight: 211.0