Lori, In my experience of expressing my feelings I have discovered that those people who have stressed me the most (husband, family, co-workers) weren't even aware how I felt. So they didn't know they were stressing me. We can't change them ourselves but we have a right to let people know how we feel. I think that was a big lesson for me.
If you win 51% of the battles you have won the war.
Lori, Dr. Gould talks about having the weight be a "Fat Suit" or like a COAT to wrap around and keep others away. Many men actually feel secure with a fat wife that no one else wants to look at. BUT, what you have to deal with is your own emotions. I think Dr. Gould can help most by helping us to GROW UP. Real adults don't hide with alcohol, drugs, food, or acting out sex in a promiscuous way. These aren't responsible, open answers to the issues. Why are you so afraid to confront your husband when you feel berated? Did your father do that to you when you were a child? Did he treat you like your feelings didn't matter? I think taking Dr. Gould's course for the 12 weeks is helpful. I haven't but I've read the book several times now.
I was having a hard time differentiating between hunger and emotional eating so I decided I was going to eat every 3 hours, and NOTHING in between. It was the most enlightening thing I did. I realized how constantly triggered I was by feelings, frustration, irritation, etc. and I work in a restaurant so food is always around. I hadn't realized how prevalent food was as a coping/stuffing mechanism. It really opened my eyes! Good luck to you-it's a journey! Cindy
Lori, You are definitely not alone with this breakthrough. I think we all run to food as an escape from relationships. I believe you need to decide what it is you want from the relationship and what you can give. We can only control ourselves. I have found other outlets than my husband for communication. I realize if I want to continue my relationship with him for the other reasons I am happy to stay together that he isn't going to be 'everything' to me. So I have found others. I also have taken a long look at the marriage to see if what I wanted should be there and I should be married to someone else. Needless to say, I needed to have a lot of chocolate close by when I was having those thoughts. That was how I knew how to cope with hard feelings. Every day I am learning something new about myself and how I interact with food. I'm glad you bought the book. It's not one I read and then was done with. I have a friend at work who I think would benefit but I hesitate to give her mine- in case I want to return to it while she is reading it!
If you win 51% of the battles you have won the war.
Hi, Lori, I think it's these breakthroughs that will bring us out of the pit of emotional eating. I think that once we know something about ourselves that we hadn't realized before, that inches us along toward recovery of our lives, when it comes to food. I think it's so awesome that you have realized how you react to not feeling heard. I think that is a common theme in the life of a binge eater. Keep reading your book, and sharing here. It's so helpful, thank you!!
Yes, I have felt very similarly. Actually when I first took the Shrink Yourself online course, I knew that I emotionally ate in response to anxiety and tiredness-- but I had no clue that I emotionally ate when I was frustrated/angry. It wasn't until a few times of trying to watch my feelings and noticed when I was emotionally eating-- that I caught myself at the fridge a few times after being annoyed/frustrated with people. Often times when I want to emotionally eat it is when I am frustrated but don't feel that more actively expressing my feelings is going to be helpful. If I am *really* PO'd I do tend to express my anger. But if is something that seems small I realized I liked to see myself as "laid back" and "calm" enough to think I was dealing with it-- and then realized how I was "dealing with it" was eating to distract myself from it. I think I have "conflict avoided" too much-- stuffing my anger down with food-- not even being aware that that was what I was doing.
And relationships are one of the biggest sources of emotional eating. Perhaps you will have to recommit yourself to finding a better way to deal the frustrations of your husband unemotional style-- at least now you know what your are doing and can see the consequences to you-- so now you have a better opportunity to find other options and make other choices.
hi Lori! Yes - this has definitely happened to me! My thing is my family & the tremendous guilt. The last time I went home to visit, my mom started on me again (I'm 30, married, and grown & she STILL hits me with the guilt) about what a messed up past I had or what an ungrateful daughter I can be. So that's when I saw myself inching towards the food - I checked myself & got angry right back at her. It's rough but it has to be done - for the sake of my health & the sake of my relationship with my mom.
Food has always been a friend/lover for me. No arguements, always listens, always there. There is so much comfort that it has blinded me to what that "friend" is doing. I keep ignoring the weight gain, the pain in my knee, how I look and how I feel all for this "friend." As I write this it occurs to me that this isn't a very good friend. I'm probably better off learning to be friends with myself.
COLLEEN Surgery date 9-30-09
The only failure is to quit trying.
Bloom where you're planted.
current weight: 136.6
Fitness Minutes: (4,171) Posts: 307 12/31/08 2:06 A
So I haven't completed the book yet. I have checked out from the library about 4 times over the span of about 15 months or so, I would read about half and have to return it. Today I finally purchased the book so I can finish it. YAY! But every time I would read it, I felt like the book was written for me. I have always been able to identify with things from all the chapters I have read. Never really being able to pinpoint one HUGE factor in my weight gain, until yesterday.
My husband and I have been married 9 1/2 years. They have been rough years. He isn't abusive, but he isn't real emotional. He would rather sweep things under the rug than discuss things. So I always feel frustrated and like things never get solved or dealt with, just forgotten about. So yesterday we were having a disagreement, I felt very frustrated and suddenly it hit me, this is the thing that has driven me to fridge! I have sought comfort in the arms of refrigerator!! Food has been my lover, so to speak. Food doesn't ignore me or reject me, it's always there for me. I now realize that I have to learn to deal with my feelings and not just "eat" them away! I can see where my weight gain really started after we got married.
I feel like this is a huge break through. Has anyone else experience similar things? Or have any advice??
"You aren't an accident. You weren't mass-produced. You weren't an assembly line product. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted, and lovingly positioned on this earth by the Master Craftsman" ~Max Lucado
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