I'm new, my name is Crissa and I am doing the online 12 week counseling program for shrink yourself.
It's really sad and hilarious, because as I'm going through the sessions, and having to answer the questions and deal with where the binging comes from is when the urge to binge gets REALLY strong. I'm answering FOOD questions and chocking back tears...Really strange as I never ever related my food problems to emotional feelings...
I've had a really hard two years, lost three friends tragically, and one is in a coma....and won't wake up.
I deal with this by eating...because sometimes it's just too hard to deal with all of it. It's overwhelming. But, I want to deal with it and not eat myself to death!
I have been able to identify a few of the EEE triggers in the last two weeks.
One of them is I eat when I'm bored, because the boredom is often caused by the fact that I have no close friends (I am a student in China studying Chinese, and the culture differences and language barrier often alienate me from relationships, and there aren't any American's around) So I get bored, but the boredom makes me feel incomplete, and lacking something, because I am not introverted, I am very much a relational person, and if I had close friends, I would be out hanging with them which would eliminate the boredom, lol
So the boredom goes hand in hand with Loneliness.
And eating makes me feel like I've been hugged or held. which is so weird, but it makes me feel whole.
One that was most interesting to discover was that when money is tight, or somehow material things are being withheld from me, I suddenly get the urge to go eat as much sugary, and "fun" foods as possible. Like Frappiccino's, ice cream, etc. And this week was able to identify the reason...I came from a very poverty stricken background, on top of a very mentally ill mother who constantly told us over and over from VERY young ages until I ran away at 17 that we were going to be on the streets tomorrow, or she didn't know where our next meal was coming from...She had no sense of protecting our young minds and hearts from the terrifying reality of poverty. And I often felt so scared and helpless.
And even now, that everything is okay, and I have a good life, if money gets at all tight, I get terrified. And this switch it turned on in me that says to eat as much as possible, and especially all the things that I never got to have when I was younger. All the nasty sugary fast food crap. Because I feel so scared, and I'll eat until I feel sick and my stomach hurts really bad. Because it makes me feel safe and whole.
realizing this almost just brings me to tears...it actually DOES bring me to tears...I feel like I understand now what triggers alot of these things, but they are so deep in me I don't see them coming on. I can't tell the difference between hungry, and scared, hungry and sad, hungry and lonely...
This makes me so ANGRY, And FRUSTRATED.
How can I be so out of touch with my body and emotions?
The other day I was looking at the pictures of my friend in the coma from the hospital...And I almost started crying, and quickly sucked it up and then felt like I needed to go eat all this crap from KFC. This was when the realization came to me...I was sitting there consuming over 2500 calories of nasty greasy chicken and ice cream...And it just HIT ME. I don't even know WHY it hit me...But I was chocking on tears and chicken with the realization that I was escaping the pain of loss and fear....
I was disgusted at myself and yet felt so helpless...What I needed was to be hugged, held and allowed to CRY IT ALL OUT. (something that has been unfamiliar to me my whole life...Coming from the hard childhood and having a mom who neglected us in every way let alone emotionally)
But as I stop to search for a way to get what I need emotionally, I just don't know where to start, don't know who to turn to. The hardest part being here in China, and not having close relationships.
I just want to be able to tell someone who I feel safe with what I'm going through, and ask them to just hold me and let me cry...to hug me.
And the hard part is also just in realizing these things it sometimes becomes overwhelming, and I feel like too much feelings all at once are coming out and I would just rather bottle them back up because it's too much to deal with at once...
So I continue on this journey, with the help of the online sessions...To learn to feel again, and not be afraid of it.
To learn to deal with all the emotions that I've stuffed for my entire life...
To learn that I'm not hungry, but sad, lonely, scared, and needing to be comforted...And my journey in finding a way to help myself get what I need emotionally from people...not food.
thanks for letting me share.
August 22nd 2007-My 21'st birthday-196lb
My 23rd birthday
158 lbs :)
| current weight: 159.0