Posts: 824
5/23/13 12:14 A

im over sixty and married to him since 1977. i havent had a good job for the pst 7 years. before that i had a good job but i put all my money into running the house and he put in equal but he made twice what i did and saved all the rest of his.

two of my kids are grown and gone . the other is over 30 but incapable of supporting herself and living home with me.

Posts: 342
5/22/13 11:11 A

SALLYANNE0852,

I also believe that you should be entitled to half the retirement $$. Maybe you need someone to speak to other than the family lawyer? Shouldn't you also be entitled to the home as well with the kids? And yeah you are not rambling there is always something extra when a child is involved.

I am truly sorry for all that you are going through. It may not seem that way but you will be better off in the long run.

The main thing right now is to take care of yourself. That is priority. Negativity makes you sick. This support site is wonderful and I am grateful for it but at the same time is there a friend or individual that you can "visit" or "chat" with sometimes regarding your troubles and most importantly to "get away" from your troubles.

You should also keep folders and a calendar (big and one to fit in your everyday bag) to keep track of all your stuff.

Good luck. My prayers are with you.

Posts: 320
5/22/13 10:47 A

Sallyanne

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I cannot imagine a lawyer telling you that you are not entitled to half of his retirement unless part of it was his before you married.

Whatever happens I think you will be happier and healthier once you are away from that situation. I think the decrease in stress will help your fibro and possibly the depression.

This would all go much smoother if the two of you could come to some kind of agreement. If he cannot talk to you in a civil manner you need to write down what you think would be a fair split and see if he will work with you that way. DO NOT write it down before giving it a lot of thought and being prepared to stand by what you state.

Good luck to you and please keep us apprised as to how things are proceeding. We are all here for you.

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5/22/13 7:34 A

i called the lawyer yesterday, the old family lawyer my mom grew up with. he doesnt handle divorces so will be having someone else call me. im so scared. he did answer a few questions though and im a little upset by his answers.

with my ADD i have so much trouble keeping up and following up with things like paperwork. paying bills and keeping a job. ADD and Depression and fibro . I haven't had a real job in 7 years.

he is miserable, his girlfreind is miserable. I heard him telling his friend he cant move forward with his girlfreind because hes still carrying around the old dead cow. ( meaning me) i guess i probably told you that already . And he just can't be civil. I work housekeeping and elder care jobs as much as possible between babysitting my grandchildren or helping my dad . This summer im going away for 4 months to house-sit for my uncle in another state. We don't even stay in the same floor of the house and if he comes in the house after work when im in the kitchen making his supper he just grunts at me and goes in his room. Its been like this for at least 7 years . before that He would come home drunk and ranting and raging and go to his room but might speak to me. I have been celibate for 31 years of a 36 yr marriage. Suddenly out of the blue 3 years ago he wanted sex! WHAT? well, i knew its because he had a crush on the barmaid but couldnt " cheat" on his
" wife" because of his high moral standards! Well after almst 30 years of rejection i wasnt going to hop into bed with him because of that. I told him NO. So that's when he just started to truely Hate me.

Im so tired of living with the negativity all the time. Im really tired. Im sick all the time. I cant even get a job at my age and lack of vitality. All those years i worked I put 100 percent income into raising the family . He stashed his into the company profit sharing. and cash into his safe. And all i have is debt because if i needed extra money he wouldnt help me out. And with 3 kids there is always something extra.........think proms, doctors, car insurance, college expenses. GROCERIES. sorry im rambling. i got upset when i talked to the lawyer and he told me that i probably cant get half of his retirement. i dont even care i just want to get out of here. well, i wish i could stay in my house ....HIS girlfriend has 2 houses. cant he just go live wit hher . Also the lawyer told me when im housesitting for my uncle this summer if he wants to he can have his girlfriend move in here to my house with him.

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4/2/13 1:07 A

Greetings to all... my last post told the main story of my impending divorce. I wish all of you the best, out there struggling and suffering at the hands of another. As we enter into the vows of matrimony, most of us expect to uphold those vows even thru the worst, most trying times of our lives. Unfortunately we all too often find out after commiting years, decades of effort that our spouses never had the intentions of holding up their vows or promises. And in many instances the marriage turns into a bitter "one way street". And rather than face a personal failure that friends and family and our kids see all too clearly, we trudge onward sinking deeper until we're barely able to breathe.
We use the excuse..."I stayed for my kids sake, a failed marriage would be an embarrassment for me both privately and at work, or even as ridiculous as it may sound...it could jeapordise my carreer or social position."
In my case I had no other means to start another life. I had trusted my wife to handle the finances because my disabilities had negatively affected my credit. Everything including the settlement money from my accident wasvin her name. By the time I realized her plan to steal everything....it was too late. She used the money to get a very good lawyer and mad sure I had nothing to retain an atty. As most of u know...99 percent of all lawyers want $3000-4000 just to start the case. With one month to go before the scheduled trial date I had no atty.I went to have a consultation with a wonderful lady who after hearing my tragic story and a lot of begging and pleading.....decided to take my case for payments made automatically from my social security disability amounting to 1/3 of my total mo. income. Relieved, I was preparing for court...I was not feeling well. I thought I had the flu...but then my leg and hip became eo painful, I could barely walk. I went home...I had been petsitting for a friend near my apt. I gathered a few items to take to the hospital...I took a shower and noticed a rash on my leg and back. It was the "Shingles" yes from "chicken pox" ! I spent 5 days in the hospital in agony. The pain wascso bad in my hip and leg I felt as I'd been run over by a truck. I'm at home now..my Dr. Has been out for 3 mos. with Mononucleosis. The drs. I've seen tell me I have permanent nerve damage in my leg because I didn't get to the hospital quickly enough.
I know that my story is long and complex but many of us face these circumstances during the worst times of our lives. I'm not telling u this to get sympathy....I'm rather trying to educated and make u all aware that this nightmare could happen to you. If I had only seen this coming. But like manyb of you I trusted my spouse...even though the "red flags" were there for some time before it hitbthe fan!
Ill be ok....I am a perennial optomist.....the ultimate "Survivor"... NOT like the people on that reality show who have a caterer and rolling fied hospital behind the scenes. Thanks for letting me get my message out....I hope it helps someone out there !

Peace, Scott

Edited by: 9CATMAN9 at: 4/2/2013 (01:17)

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3/15/13 5:34 P

SCATMAN

Generally we think of women as being the only victims of violence and neglect but you have reminded us that that is not always the case.

I hope that you can get a new start now that you are out of that environment. I personally cannot imagine ever treating someone as badly as you've been treated. I wish you and your children the best and hope for better things for you in the future.

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3/15/13 5:27 P

SIDNEY

This emotional funk won't disappear in a hurry, but it will start to disipate before you know it. It will be so gradual that you may not even know it is happening. One day you will hear yourself laugh out loud and be surprised at the sound of it. Then you will realize that you had a great day and feel good about yourself. On another day you might be amazed by the fact that your situation didn't enter your mind at all for the entire day. Before you realize what is happening you will be out enjoying yourself and embracing your freedom.

There will always be bad days but they will be fewer and farther in between.

Good luck with your recovery.

Edited by: NEWHEARTSTART at: 3/15/2013 (17:27)

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3/15/13 3:44 A

Hi to all! I'm Scott and I just joined the team. I was unaware of the one team that I couldve used to help deal with my current situation. I don't know how to start so ill just jump in with my story and let me appologise in advance if it seems too legnthy. I was married for 20 yrs. Built a new house in a nice subdivision and had 2 boys now 16 and 14. I was a successful engineer and I was able to keep my kids out of daycare by caring for them during the day and working nites. After 2 job changes and commuting 200 mi./day I was getting burned out. I started having severe breathing problems unaware I was suffering from chronic asthma. One nite I was home alone and went into complete respiratory failure. Not knowing what to do I barely drove to the hospital and collapsed in the emergency room. After I was stabilized and 6 days later I went home.Nobody believed I was really ill. My wife called me a hypochondriac and my employer terminated me for missing so much work. 2 months later I was travelling in my car when a huge garbage truck pulled into my lane from a sidestreet.I struck it at 40mph...broke my neck and fractured my skull. 3 surgeries and 2+ years of therapy I was still disabled. I spent the next year recovering while my wife became extremely abusive. To give u an idea....2 wks before my accident she said " I hope you get hit by a truck !" After the accident I said " you got your wish" to which she replied: "I didn't get the results I wanted!" After I found a part time job I was involved in a terrible work accident....I severed my right achilles tendon. It took me 2 years to be able to walk...but again my wife refused to believe I was seriously injured. One day she became violent and kicked me in my injured leg. This kept getting worse until the morning of my 20th Anniversary. I was getting breakfast for my younger son when my wife threw a heavy object and hit me in the head. Dazed I got upto her screaming in my face. I went to leave and she told my older son to attack me. She had involved my older son in a bizarre medical experiment by giving him injections of Human Growth Hormone. Even though this was a " legal" medical program, it turned him into a violent monster. He attacked me and shoved me into a china cabinet, I broke 2 ribs which punctured my lung. I couldn't breathe and gssping I pleaded with my wife standing over me to take me to the hospital. She and my son walked out the door, laughing,leaving me alone to die. I crawled to the phone and barely called 911 then passed out. I awoke in an ambulance gasping for air. I thought I was going to die. Just a little less than a year before this I had recieved my settlement for the accident and took my family to Disneyworld for 2wks over Christmas. My mistake was not calling the police when I was assaulted. I did later tell 2 of my Drs. but always thought we could work this out without involving the legal system. In the next 3 months the violence got worse. My wife tried to involve me in any conflict she could. I stayed away from her but one day she stole my medication I needed for my asthma and wouldn't give it back. I called the police. When they came she started crying and said I had hit her and threatened her...not true! But now I was being scrutinized as a violent abuser! Even though I filled out a report stating her violent behavior....she went to Family Court and filed a false report of violence. There was no indication what was about to happen.. 3 wks later I answered the door...4 patrol cars and 6 police. They wouldn't tell me anything held me down in my front yard and told me to wait. I was handed paperwork telling me I had to leave my house....What!! I tried to tell them I was a victim but to no avail. I was allowed to take a few clothes and leave. I had nowhere to go and no one to stay with I also had no money...all the finances were in my wifes name. It was Feb. 23, 2012. I lived in my car for 6 days...barely survived. Finally found an old friend who allowed me to sleep in their basement. After 2 months of family court adjournments I asked for my 25' camper trailer so I had somewhere to live. An old college friend had a rural business an let me park it and stay there. I got a horrible public defender thru the court. He made sure Ihad NO defense. I was sent out of my last court date June 23 with divorce papers and another year of the protection order stating I could not go anywhere near my home, wife or children for 1 more year. I have not seen or spoken to my children for over a year. I finally found an apt. in a bldg for disabled people. My divorce trial is in 1 month and I just found a lawyer ( ill know for sure tomorrow wen we meet) who will work on payments instead of requiring a $4000 retainer up front. I'm praying she will take the case. Even though I s hould get some financial settlement....I will be totally broke until this is resolved. WHY DID I TELL U THIS?? Please all u who are married....beware and know that this horror story could happen to you. My wife was so decieptful...I found out a lot of surprises about her since this happened. She had this agenda planned behind my back for quite awhile. If I ever see my children again it will be a miracle. I did nothing to deserve this and I was totally the victim from the beginning. In conclusion....and again...Sorry for going on about this but all the details are very relevant....and remember.. our Justice system is SO broken that it allows this to happen. We were all horrified and devistated by the Newtown Ct. shootings but let us not forget.....the individual responsible was a product of a terrible divorce which left innocent victims who paid the price as a result of societys inability to resolve divorces and family court issues in a fair and just manner. I fear for the possibility that my own children will carry the mental, emmotional scars that result in the violent tradgedies we see in the news. I just ask that we all try to avoid these destrucive situations through counselling and other types of resolution before we allow the court system to destroy more lives. Thanks for letting me get this out...and wish me and my kids luck. Peace, Scott.

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3/12/13 10:49 P

Sorry to hear about all of that! As of last night I'm officially moved out of "my house". I'm back and forth between feeling good about it, then non-stop crying my eyes out. My emotions are crazy right now! It's a long road ahead of me, and it seems almost impossible to deal with right now. Hoping this overwhelming feeling doesn't last for too terribly long. :(

Posts: 320
3/8/13 2:35 P

I wish there was a simple answer to that. I think you can say I am digusted and overwhelmed.

I know this is a divorce support group, and even though my husband of thirty years walked out three years ago I have no problems with that. I knew it would be a change to be single and on my own but nothing I couldn't handle. The problem is that I am never going to get the chance to be on my own.

When the stbx left my youngest daughter, SIL, and two grandkids lived at the house with us. They finally moved out last Septemeber and I got to start putting the house in order according to my wants and needs. They, on the other hand, still have not gotten their stuff from the house and it is very frustrating.

My stbx took over our business when we split because he said he could handle it. Famous last words. Now he is losing everything and putting my credit in the toilet with his.

My middle daughter is in a bad relationship and needs to move home (my home) with her two boys. She is planning to move on Easter weekend. Now, I have to get my youngest to start getting her stuff so I can make room for her sister.

Yesterday my oldest called to say that her car got picked up to cover non payment on a title loan. That is the only car they have and was used to take her boyfriend, his son, and her to work. Now they are struggling and I don't have the money to help because I am living on my income alone.

To top it off all of my appliances are going on strike. I am already using my daughter's refrigerator because mine quit. My washing machine quit so we hooked hers up and then it quit. The diswasher smokes if you try to use it and there is a recall (it starts electrical fires). The blade broke on my electric can opener and I pulled out the trusty handheld which also doesn't work. Then I went to the garage to put something in the refrigerator (yes, in the garage-whole other story) and discovered that my upright freezer was not working. I had to throw out tons of food and get that all cleaned, which took a couple of hours. Oh, and I am screwed when the grass starts to grow because my lawn mower gave it up last year.

The toilet in my master bathroom won't flush and the shower wouldn't quit dripping, so my brother installed a temporary cutoff on it. The handle for the hot water in the other bathroom is stripped so I need to get that fixed. My kitchen sink won't drain properly so I took the outside plug off. When the washing machine was working it drained too fast for my plumbing so I have the water lines running into a rain barrel with a hose on it that drains in the front yard. That way I can use the gray water from the washer to water the lawn.

My jeep is running okay after the hefty $500.00 it took to fix it. My cat is fine after the $1000.00 transfusion she needed to live.

It's not all bad. I do have a home that is payed for and the roof only leaks if the rain comes from a certain direction. Of course, the stbx took out a HELOC against the house for more money than we originally paid for it and I am stuck making the payments for that.

I swear, I feel like I just can't get a break. Hopefully there is some huge blessing coming my way to help me through all of this.

Strangely enough I still laugh and smile through just about every day. I do wish I could lose some of this weight but I am afraid that the stress is making that difficult job nearly impossible.

I would love to meet someone to spend time with but I have so much baggage that I would not be much fun for anyone, and that won't change anytime soon.

So, that's how I am. Does anybody have an uplifting story to clear our pallettes after this one?

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3/8/13 12:55 P

How is everyone!

Posts: 320
3/5/13 10:12 A

Freemomma

It sounds like you may need to call a women's shelter and see if they can put you up.

If you make plans to go away for the weekend don't tell your family anything about it. That way they cannot interfere. It means you can't get away alone but anyone who knows you should realize that you are a package deal.

Public transportation can be very helpful, it just takes a while to learn the routine. Most of them offer a monthly pass so you can ride anytime and not be stuck to a time schedule. In the long run it will save you money over paying for each ride separately.

Take care of yourself and check back in with us to let us know how you are doing.

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3/5/13 7:39 A

Edited by: WHO_AM_I_2013 at: 3/20/2013 (08:53)

Posts: 824
2/26/13 11:00 A

Natalie, i think that counseling would help you and your husband tremendously toward getting your divorce.

You guys are young enough to get out now and start over again without too much damage and baggage.

go for it!

Posts: 824
2/26/13 10:58 A

you CAN do it on your own.

is there any kind of womens group in your small town at all? even if you join the PTA.
Maybe join a church, there are probably supportive people in church. ( I personally don't belong but I've known friends who have had lots of support from their churches)

Is there a YWCA?

12 and 14, could probably stay home alone for an hour or two for you to get together with other ladies in a group. Are there any say, Hiking groups in the area? You could join that with them. There are clubs like bowling clubs that cater to families.

Im in an Urban area and my kids are in their 30's so maybe someone else here has some suggestions. Good luck VarGOK

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2/25/13 11:13 P

Trying to figure out where to start. I was married for over 20 years. We lived on the same property in different buildings for the last 5 years, so not much of a marriage. He was controlling and used threats and money to keep me from leaving. He refuses to be co operative in the divorce proceedings - although he know it is inevitable. He is a roller coaster threatening, then apologizing, then acting like we are going to get back together, then depressed. The main issue for him is fear of looking like a failure and there is no longer anyone waiting on him hand and foot.
I moved 2 states away in November because it was the only way I could have any freedom and hoped he would accept reality. He has no relationship with our children and he has not attempted to contact them - not even at Christmas. He does not want any visitation or responsibility for them. I don't know anyone in the new area that I live so I am starting to get burned out due to a lack of adult interaction. The kids are 12 and 14 but don't want to stay home alone. I don't work because I am disabled. Next month my children will miss a day of school to travel over 3 hours with me for an appt. I have with a specialist.
I don't have money for babysitters and I don't know anyone well enough to ask them to help. It is a very small town so there aren't any afterschool or other programs for them to participate in. I just didn't think it was going to be this hard - despite struggling the kids and I are happier and less stressed than ever. I just need some input on how I can do this on my own.

Posts: 132
2/24/13 10:23 P

Hi I'm Natalie. I've been married since July 2011, but have been with my husband for about 8 years. I moved out of our house in the beginning of Dec. We've still been "dating" trying to work things out, and I really thought we would, but it has become evident that it's not going to happen. I had doubts before I even married him, but had the mind frame that since we love each other everything will work itself out. Turns out, love does not conquer all. I felt like I was living with a roommate. We had no intimacy in our relationship, and aside from saying "I love you", we never talked about our feelings. He's a bull headed jerk, has been for a very long time, and no matter how hard I try to look past it, that will never change. I'm still having a very hard time letting go though. He never treated my like a good husband should, yet it's killing me trying to let go of the life I had planned on living with him. Even though I was unhappy probably 90% of the time, I still keep holding on to that 10% of happiness that just makes this so difficult! I hope joining this group will help give me the support and strength to stop living in the past and work towards a future I can truly be happy with!

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2/24/13 11:09 A

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2/24/13 8:28 A

how is everyone! Hanging in there ?

Posts: 824
2/19/13 1:11 P

Hi Sharon, i sure wish i had gone when i was your age! It gets harder every year that you wait. I know it is hard to get a job for yourself but please try! Maybe you can get a job at a school? Or for the town? Start looking! I hope you take the first step to having the life you deserve. How wonderful to be able to be yourself! xo

Posts: 9,937
2/18/13 8:43 P

Sharon. Do you have access to a therapist? Go if you do. Figure out how to work on yourself, your self esteem, your work skills. Never say never. Start with an entry level "anything" job. You can and you will get one if you want to. Tell yourself that. You deserve happiness and only you can make that happen. I know that living in an unhappy relationship will kill you, emotionally and that takes its toll on you physically. Start making every decision based on is it in my best interest? If not, turn it around.

Go to a group on meetup.com of people who enjoy doing things you enjoy. You are going to have to step out of your comfort zone and make the first move. Meet some people somewhere. church, craft class, Curves, the gym.

If you have access to any money of your own, go see a lawyer and just check up what it would involve. Look at apartments, check out the help wanted ads. Don't throw in the towel until you've taken some steps, even baby steps like making a plan. And definitely check out counseling if you can.

Yes--it's hard--but everyone I know is glad and happier when they are out on their own.

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2/18/13 6:44 P

Help! So many problems in our marriage of 27 years. I was a stay at home mother of 3 daughters and rarely worked outside for all those years. He is a professional and rarely took time off to be at home. Now my youngest is a freshman in college. With the economy the way it is here I probably won't be able to get a job. My relationship with my husband is not good. We have nothing in common and I can tell he is sick and tired of me. He has no respect for me and since he has a ridiculous relationship with our youngest child, meaning he walks on egg shells with her, I am the total low man on the totem pole. I'm writing because I have no courage! I also have no job, and I have no friends. I know people who are divorced and when I have mentioned that I was thinking of divorcing, they always told me DON'T GET A DIVORCE!!!!! So I haven't and I am not happy.

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2/8/13 8:45 P

every time im ready to go, when i think i can do it and i think its absolutely the right thing to do, he becomes civil................. and i retreat to thinking that well, it wasn't really as bad as i thought and i question that i probably over reacted.............snd that im probanbly just crazy

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2/7/13 9:11 P

Sallyanne0852--Wishing you good luck. It's a terrible way to live - in fear of your spouse in your own house. Hopefully you have some support around to help out.

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2/7/13 2:01 P

krgoff im so sorry , i understand that feeling of loss, of being lost, . i have been there .....through a breakup in my long ago past.

im the one who wants a divorce from my 35 yr marriage now. but my husband feels it is morally wrong, even though admits he has not loved me in 30 years. also, does not want to split half of what he has worked for. ( i worked too!) but im also afraid of him. so proceedings are not evven begun. we can not even say hello when we pass each other in the kitchen. so i admire you that you can meet with your stbx.

hang in there. i sure wish you all the best.

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1/24/13 7:20 P

I joined just around the holidays also. It was rough going but day by day I get better. I used to cry every day and now most weeks I can muddle thru until the weekend. I meet my wusband tomorrow at lunch to go over some final figures for the separation agreement and our first court day is Feb. 6. So life is moving along. Some parts of my life I enjoy but others I am still lonely and working on. I would say you need all the support you can get along the way. I go to weekly therapy sessions, pop in to spark people daily and also go to a divorce support group weekly. Those things and my friends are what get me thru. I still have trouble asking for help but I realize that I need to. So don't be afraid, just ask and you shall receive!
Thanks again for everyone's support.

Posts: 9,937
1/24/13 2:30 P

Welcome new members.

At least 3 new members have joined in the last day. As they feel their way around, please be sure to make them feel welcome. Think back to when you first started this journey and how fragile you might have been feeling.

Newbies, pop in to the intro thread when you feel ready to tell us your story. Sometimes just reading through everyone else's posts is all you are ready for. Take your time and hollar when you want some support.

Jude

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1/5/13 1:23 P

I couldn't have said it any better.

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1/5/13 11:19 A

KGROFF3

Congratulations on your resolve to keep up the swimming. Making sure you take some time for yourself is important.

I know you are hurting but let the tears fall. Crying is like running a fever. The fever indicates that your body is fighting off the sickness that has attacked it, which means you are strong enough to put up a defense. The best thing for heartbreak is time and time moves at it's own pace. You were married for a long time and you set your life around that relationship. Now it is time to make new goals and set your life around what YOU truly want.

Make a list of all of the things that are easier/more enjoyable for you now that you don't have to be considerate of someone else's schedule. Then embrace those activities. You will find comfort and pleasure from some of the smallest actions.

Peace be with you and please come back and let us know how you doing.

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1/4/13 5:23 P

I am back and just checking in. Fridays are very hard for me sometimes. I went swimming after work and had a good swim but then the tears come afterward. I am home now and just relaxing. My daughter will be out for the night so I will be alone again but after a good cry, I will be OK. Just seems like it will never be over. Thanks for everyones support and letting me vent.

Posts: 320
1/4/13 11:57 A

Amber:

Stay strong going forward and I think your efforts will be rewarded. I know it is especially hard when you don't have friends or family that are close to provide support, but you can think of us here as confidants. We have all been through some form of divorce angst and we know how tough it can be.

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1/4/13 10:22 A

Just restarting Sparkpeople after a long hiatus. Asked my husband to move out almost a year ago, and he filed for divorce this summer. We have 3 small kids who desperately want us back together but I really can't summon any feelings for my husband at all. I have some bitterness about our marriage and I really just want to move on with someone that values me as a person and not just as a ....a.... crap I honestly have no idea what he thought I was lol... but whatever it was it didn't feel good. Finally getting back up ( with a little help ) and trying to figure out who I am now. Has been a very lonely 14 years and I have almost no friends and my family lives 2 hours away. I am so glad to be able to talk to other people going through what I am going through.

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12/19/12 9:23 P

Brandim--This can certainly be time to renewal or it can become all too clear that the end has come. In my 6 years on this team I've watched trends appear.

I wish for you that it all works out. Become perfectly clear on what you need in order to move forward. Honesty is important. So you have to change? What needs to be different on the other side? Prayers for you to have a calm happy holiday season. Breathe--and remember you can vent here as often as you want.

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12/19/12 4:15 P

I am new. my husband told me he wanted to leave me because he just wasn't happy anymore. We worked for several months trying to repair our marriage. When it became clear that it could not be repaired, I moved out. november 26th. It was a rough day. But since that day I have realized I don't have to be the person I was...angry and hurt. I can be a better me. most recently he has asked me to move back in and I agreed to do so....very slowly. We are both really trying this time. Please pray that for us and our two boys, 4yo and 11yo, it works out. Until then I need all the support I can get!

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12/19/12 10:30 A

The holidays are tough for many people even when they are not facing what you are.

My husband of 30 years stayed through the holidays and it was tough knowing that he was there just waiting to be able to leave. He walked out on Dec 31st, 2009 - Happy New Year to me.

Just try to remember what Christmas is all about and let the wonder of the season wash over you.

You hang in there and I wish you the very best.

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12/19/12 9:45 A

Thank you for the encouragement. I have already seen a lawyer on my own and am probably more aware of our finances than he is having been responsible for that aspect, so I am good there. Well, good as in I am not unaware. My kids are well adjusted, but this is going to attack a basic tenet of their upbringing - to work through problems. I am starting to thing about how to tell them. That's for another days discussion, for sure!

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12/18/12 9:46 P

Michele-

I am sorry sorry to hear this. I do know what a rotten time this is. I too went through the holidays "as if" everything was normal. My kids were in their 20s though. The teens I've seen go though this were more sensitive. If they are well adjusted otherwise, in the long run, they will probably make it through

Focus on yourself. Get your financial health in order--know where and what's in all the accounts, debts, insurances, etc...make sure you can track what he's spending between now and whenever you file. See a lawyer on your own if at all possible. Hang in there.

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12/18/12 7:27 P

Hi all. New to the group. DH of 22 years has decided he wants a divorce. He told me about 2 months ago, but we agreed to get through the holidays before breaking it to our 2 boys. This isn't my choice, but I feel as though I have little say in the matter. His heart is out already. I have had such mixed feelings, and am I sure that will continue. My biggest concern are my 11 and 13 yo. Despite my husbands rosy picture of how he thinks they will take it, I think it will be devastating. No major issues in our marriage - no cheating, abuse or addictions. I think the fatal flaw was probably laziness and coping with everyday life. Anyway, I am sure the road is bound to get rockier after the first, so I decided I better toughen up a little to get through this...and to help my sons deal with it.

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12/16/12 5:21 P

Welcome MICH. Stop in to the intro thread and introduce yourself when you're ready. This can be a tough time of year.

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11/24/12 5:44 P

Welcome new members. This is a tough time of year and new people seem to join right around the holidays. They often bring out the worst in situations or just bring feelings to a head.

My ex told me on Christmas Eve. Jump to any thread or the intros.

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10/12/12 10:08 A

Tisalynn

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I wish I could tell you that it would be easy but I know better. I can tell you that it will get better.

Shame on your stbx for trying to put the blame on you. He is an older man, dating a woman close to his daughter's age, and making excuses for how this came about. Affection is a two way street. It takes two to tango, hug, kiss, hold hands, and numerous other acts of affection. He is trying to blame you to assuage his guilt over what he's done.

The statistics are staggering on how many marriages end in divorce so you are not alone. Look for support from family ,friends, this group, church, or any of the free groups on meetup.com or other social sites

You may not live near your family but you can still contact them for support. Take a long walk, pour your heart out, cry your eyes out, scream your lungs out, and you will find the calm after the storm. It may not last but you can repeat as necessary. Most of all just remember to breathe. Then when you have paid homage to your broken relationship and have nothing left to give it, start to rebuild.

Please don't beat yourself up for believing what your stbx was telling you. In a marriage trust is implied and you chose to believe the man you loved. That puts him in the wrong, it doesn't make you stupid.

For now huddle up with your daughter and navigate each day the best you can. You can do this. Please come back and tell us how you are getting on.

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10/11/12 9:38 P

Tisalynn87--- This is the worst feeling time. My ex came home (he traveled for biz) Christmas weekend saying he thought we needed a divorce. I said it sounded liked he'd already made up his mind....no he said, I haven't (we were together over 30 years-high school sweethearts--3 grown kids)--He went off for a couple days (saying it was for work (I'm sure it was up to "her" place) then we had a good day together and bam--He said that was it. He walked out after staying to see the kids (all the time--I'm dying inside--I didn't tell them till 2 months later). He took the suitcase he had to travel with and left me with everything to cope with. All his stuff was still here and he never came back for it.

So the best advice is to breathe, just breathe. Switch into survival mode. Take a hard look at your life financially to see exactly how much $ you need to live on. What can you cut if need be. What do you need to insist on in a settlement.

See a lawyer if at all possible to get advice. It is a way to take back control of your life to get educated on all the decisions you'll need to be making soon.

There's light at the end of the tunnel, but the dark days will try to suck the life out of you. Be determined not to let this steal the joy out of your life. Look for little ways to appreciate life: a sunset, get a massage or do something you love with people who feed your soul.

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10/11/12 5:15 P

This is so hard. Only four weeks ago, my husband announced to me that he was in love with someone else. He said I had not shown him enough affection in a while, so when a 22 year old from work began filling that void, he couldn't help himself. When I told him how much I still and always had loved him, he begged for forgiveness, which I gave, and promised that we could start the hard process of rebuilding some sort of connection. Two weeks later, he totally made another turnaround, and said that he couldn't pretend anymore. Now we are in the process of beginning a divorce. He has left me with a daughter in her senior year of high school, living in his hometown 400 miles away from my family, and without any real support system. And he is still acting like he made the best decision for everyone.
It still hurts to breathe. Now, not only do I ache from the loss of a nineteen year marriage, I am humiliated by letting him fool me one last time and make promises to me and my daughter that he wasn't able to keep. I really do feel like the stupidest person on earth.

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7/17/12 9:20 A

It is an extremely emotional time for you and may others. Those who have never walked in your shoes cannot know how hard this decision is. I'm glad you have your families support. I have friends who lost weight and called it the Divorce Diet. I on the other hand am a com. fort eater and went the opposite way. Took me a few years to get to a place where I feel good about myself and more able to make good choices for my health for me, not to do it to look good for someone else or other people.


Meet-Up.com is a good way to find groups of people in your area who meet around similar interests: movies, coffee, crafts, walking and many more.

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7/17/12 2:05 A

I left my husband of nearly 9 years about 3 months ago. Even though it was my own personal decision, it has been an extremely difficult and trying time for me. We have a 2 year old daughter that we are sharing time with evenly, and I have moved back "home" with my parents and siblings which in itself is a difficult situation, but on the positive side I am extremely thankful to them, for if it weren't for them I wouldn't have been able to leave I don't think. Took me several years to finally get the courage to do something about our lackluster marriage and seek psychological counseling. Had to take 2 months off of work to really focus on dealing with my anxiety and to start learning how to be assertive, which is still my biggest challenge but something that I am working on. I've been doing pretty well with my weight loss, and after leaving my husband the weight just dropped right off from having lost my appetite, but I am proud to say I am now treating myself right, eating healthy, exercising, and being the best mom I can be. I have lost some friends through this decision of mine which is difficult and I am really desiring to get myself out there more and make some new positive and supportive friends, and I know what a great resource SP can be for that! It's just nice to get some support from people who have already gone (or is currently going) through what I am experiencing! It's always nice to know you are not alone and that there is always hope for making life wonderful again!

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7/16/12 10:58 A

Phyllis--Flad you found this group.

Divorce is never easy. An out of state move on a good day can be stressful. Who is leaving whom and what part of his being cooperative irratates you? Being angry at someone before a move is common - it seems to make the split easier to take if we are angry than if we are sad.

Since I don't know your situation, you may have plenty of reasons to be upset. Often how we feel at this time can feel very irrational, so be gentle with yourself. Focus on what needs to be done. Acknowledge the feelings and tell yourself, you'll give them some time when you're done doing what you need to for the move. Sometimes, things look clearer when we're looking back anyway.

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7/16/12 3:02 A

OOOHHH I am so ticked off. I just found this group. Am in process of moving out , and there is still 2 weeks before I actually do move out. An out of state move.
I should have introduced myself, I am Phyllis of Mesa AZ, now mving on the 1st of Aug to California. Which is a good thing. BUT, I still feel out of sorts leaving the man, who is being so cooperative. How annoying. How can he be so calm. I am not.

I did read back through some of the posts, so you are all really being supportive and helpful.

Phyllis, a new member of the divorced group.....

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7/10/12 1:39 P

Glad to see you are able to tie up the loose ends and will avoid a trial. Good for you for scheduling dinner with friends. Each new phase evolves and opens you to becoming more of who you are capable of being on your own--stronger/wiser.

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7/10/12 12:20 P

Stay strong and enjoy your freedom.

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7/10/12 11:59 A

Well, my lovelies, my final court date is coming up on the 19th. It looks like we can avoid a 'fault' trial and just get it over with. After a weekend of being in a bad mood - teary and depressed - I am feeling strong. I am arranging to have a celebratory dinner with good friends afterward.

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7/2/12 4:51 P

Glad you were able to get away! I'm down in FL a my niece's helping with 3 kids this week and visiting with family while my son works on remodeling my kitchen.

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7/2/12 12:25 P

Just had a much needed mini vacation. Flew from TX to FL on Saturday morning. Straight to the house to change into my fishing clothes and then on the water for about 6 hours. Got home late, ate, and went to bed. Up early the next morning, breakfast, out to the bay to fish for a couple of hours, and then on to the airport. I was flying standby and couldn't get on several more direct flights so my brother and I ended up flying from Tampa FL to Kansas City MO and then into TX. Long day but to worth it.

It was the first time I got to spend some quality time fishing with just my two brothers. The weather was gorgeous (especially sunset on the bay), and the conditions on the water were mostly calm. I made it through without any sea sickness and I didn't take anything to prevent it. YAHOO!!

Now back to the everyday grind.

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6/29/12 3:09 P

Welcome new members! Stop in to the intro thread when you're ready to tell us a bit about your situation. I'm on vacation and checking in when I can. - Jude

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6/16/12 6:06 P

Good Luck--It seems that once the mind clicks to go through with it, there is no going backwards.

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6/16/12 5:01 P

Just an update, I've contacted a lawyer and am going to proceed with a separation. Surprised I'm not more shaky about that - it's hard to get the ball rolling but harder to stop it if you change your mind. I think I'll also be investigating an annulment. I don't know if I can get one but this marriage seems like such a sham it might be possible. Thanks for listening!

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6/11/12 3:41 P

Welcome SuperBien & Ammee79! Glad you found the team. Whenever you're ready, stop into the intro thread and tell us your story and how we can assist you. We're good listeners.

Edited by: WHITE-LOTUS at: 6/11/2012 (16:26)

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6/7/12 11:01 A

I get so much strength from this group. Sometime it's seems like we married the same guy. LOL.