Our Ben loved pinwheels. There was always such a calming look of wonder on his face when he was watching them. He found his first one in a parking lot while we were shopping. He enjoyed it so much, we always had them around after that. It did not matter if he was a toddler or a teen ager, he still enjoyed them. Even though he died Christmas of 2006, we still make them part of our spring ritual. I have purchased 8 so far. I put them out, one by one, when I feel that tug of grief . . . Sally
Love the scrap book idea. My brother and I have all the family photo albums. My dad often took the pictures and my mom put them in scrapbooks. I used to order a favoite meal they enjoyed when out, out tried to take on some of the traits I loved best about them to do for others.
At holiday meals I have a candle lit or a sparkly cardinal that I set at the table and say "come join us Mom".
When I have a bad day, not very often anymore, I tend to open up the photo albums and look at all those good memories with our youngest son, Ben. He died Christmas of 2006. Those bad days are fewer now because I have figured out how to keep Ben in our every day life. His name comes up in coversations. My heart does not stop when it happens. My Dear Husband and myself have more supportive friends now so we can comfortably talk about Ben. The unsupportive people are few and far between now. Even our remaining son and his family can talk about Ben. We are all stronger now. Our grandchildren know about Uncle Ben. Our Christmas angel is gone but still part of our lives. Time is the great healer. Sally
Hmmm....I was just thinking what a great idea your picture scrapbook was!
Love the Christmas tree idea, too, because it is so meaningful for you!
The good memories and good times are the things to remember. We all had some bad times to remember if we chose to do that, but it serves no purpose. The only danger in remembering just the good times is that grandchildren might decide that only the good things were supposed to happen. So I had to address that in my book, too, without any specifics.
To love and be loved is truly a comforting experience!
current weight: 127.0
Fitness Minutes: (55,147) Posts: 12,556 4/7/13 3:28 P
Writing a book really sounds like a great idea, sort of like the scrapbooks I am doing except more words, less pictures.
I too have had the thoughts of when the grandkids come, how will they know the wonderful man their grandfather was? Hence the scrapbook and the Grinch Christmas tree, all the ornaments speak volumes as to what he liked as each year the ornament I got for him was something that spoke to what he liked, such as one year I got a Santa holding the catch of the day fish and fishing pole, my husband loved to fish so it was perfect for him. He also played softball right up to his death, so of course we have a few ornaments over the years of Baseball and the teams he liked, like the Cincy Reds, the Bengals and other of his likes, such as the Grinch's ect.
The entire 3ft tree will serve as a conversation starter in the future, but right now just gives us a chance to remember the good times/good memories.
Dot Goal: To do better today than I did yesturday.
It takes a long time to get over a death. We all do it at our own speed. I found group grief sessions through hospice very helpful! I met some lifetime friends through those groups. Nobody understands like those who are suffering through the grief process themselves. A helpful group leader can help you learn to cope.
Yes, you need to take care of yourself, too! Weight watchers has been great for me. I had been attending that though, before my husband died. You may find friends there, too. If one group doesn't seem to work for you, try another.
I wrote a book about my husband so my grandkids, who only had him for a short time, would know what kind of man he was. It was very cathartic, although writing it caused tears. I seemed to be able to let go of some of the memories when I had it all down on paper. Maybe if you just put some of your memories on paper so you wouldn't need to carry them in your head all the time (for fear of forgetting them), it might help. Maybe you could write when you really feel like eating?
Check in with us on this site. We know what it's like, and may be able to help....even if we can't , we can "listen". Hugs!
current weight: 127.0
Fitness Minutes: (55,147) Posts: 12,556 4/6/13 12:01 P
I know I am still grieving the loss of my husband, I still do eat for comfort, but I also know I have made progress to stop the bad behavior and get my life back. Sometimes I just have to give into the tears, after I do feel better. Some things we do, the kids and I, we make celebrating the life of their father at special times mean more to us. For instance, on his birthday we will go out to a restaurant for breakfast, because that is something my husband liked to do, so we do that. For Christmas we have a special 3 ft tree that is decorated with all the ornaments that I have bought my husband over the 38 yrs we were together, plus his favorite Christmas Character the Grinch is the tree topper. For what would have been our anniversary, the kids and I go out and have a special dinner, I then ask the server to bring 3 glasses and a small champagne or wine. We make a toast to my husband, having only about one swallow of the champagne each. Other times we indulge in the good things about my husband, I keep him alive by telling the kids this was your dad's favorite movie or actor or things like that so that he will always be with them in memory.
Now that I am 2 yrs since the death of my husband I have started to work on a memory album for each of the kids, I could not do that before, but I have found the strength to go thru childhood pictures and pictures since we got married of my husband and copy them, so that each will have a special scrapbook of dad. Making these memory/scrapbooks of my husbands life has been very helpful to me.
By the way, so as not to get anyone upset, my kids are not kids, they were 22 and 18 yrs old at the time of their fathers death, so a small drink of wine or champagne is not doing damage to a young person.
No matter what you do to get thru it is the right thing for you, the main thing is we get thru this as best as we can. I do not think there will be a day that goes by for the rest of my life that I do not think of my husband and how much I miss him, what is important to me is that I take strength from the man he was and the time we did have together. I also know I will have many things in my future that will be harder due to his death, when the kids get married and start a family of their own, for instance, I know these will be hard times for me, but I have to believe I will get thru them.
Thru all this I have relied on my belief in God and his strength, that has been the most helpful for me.
In all this I hope I have said something to give you hope that you can get thru this, it is hard, but we all must get thru this, in my case I MUST be there for my kids, so I had be strong.
Dot Goal: To do better today than I did yesturday.
Pounds lost: 29.0
Fitness Minutes: (123,537) Posts: 16,673 4/6/13 8:04 A
Sometimes you just let the emotions happen! Other times you plan special activities to keep you busy. Sometimes you plan an event to honor your loved one and make the day more special. Whatever it is, you just get through it the best way you can.
If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.
Some days, just giving in to the grief is all you can do. Watch sad movies with your box of tissues.
Slowly work at allowing yourself X amount of time to cry, then tell yourself you'll get off the couch and go clean a room or do some laundry. Better yet, phone a friend and ask if you can get out of the house and just hang out with them for a while. For me, being with someone else helped get my mind off it.
Are you able to see a counselor? I encourage you to do so if at all possible. Talk to your primary care doc about your emotions of flashback and maybe s/he can prescribe something as a temporary stop gap while you work with a conselor.
Come here--vent and share with us or write in a journal. The more you let it out, the less it seem to rear its ugly head.
Surely I can't be the only one that has those days. How do you get through those days when grief is weighing you down and you feel like it takes every ounce of strength you have to just function? Sometimes I have days that I feel like I've been hit with a wave of grief and it just takes me down. They seem to be more frequent lately. I don't know how to explain it but it's like I have flashbacks. I don't even know what to call them but for lack of a better word I call them flashbacks. In 8 months I watched my dad die, my daughter die, and then my mom die. It has definitely taken a toll on me. I gained a lot of weight and I need to lose it. My biggest fear (well one of them) is that I will die. Not because I am afraid to die but because I don't want my children to experience any more grief right now. I know I can't shield them from it all of their life but I want to be here for them. I am very obese and if I don't lose the weight I doubt I will live a very long life. And even though I know these things, there are some days when I feel like I am too worn out to care what I eat. Or sometimes I think I am so desperate for comfort that if food makes me feel the slightest bit better then I indulge. Does anyone else ever feel like this? How do you overcome it?
SparkPeople, SparkCoach, SparkPages, SparkPoints, SparkDiet, SparkAmerica, SparkRecipes, DailySpark, and other marks are trademarks of SparkPeople, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
SPARKPEOPLE is a registered trademark of SparkPeople, Inc. in the United States, European Union, Canada, and Australia. All rights reserved.