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8/11/13 4:53 P

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Yes it does, I did say good bye to him as he lay there in coma, but did he hear me, and of course he never said good bye to me, so there certainly are unsaid things. But the Sunday, without it I would have NOTHING, so it will have to do. At least for now.

Dot
Goal: To do better today than I did yesturday.




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LOSE4LIFE47's Photo LOSE4LIFE47 Posts: 36,798
8/11/13 4:49 P

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You can hang onto the Sunday before your husband died but I know it will always hurt you that you didn't get to say goodbye. I know it would hurt me anyhow.

Peggy (Colorado)

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8/5/13 12:25 P

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I am glad you had that special time with him. You have something that is special and that you could not possibly have arranged. It was spur of the moment and from the heart. I think that is part of what we miss with so much of the end of our times usually being in the hospital. The hospital is such a cold and calculating place at times, but you managed to have a close and special moment that you can call on during your grieving. Just as I look back on that Sunday, neither of us knew what was in store and how much our lives would change in the course of the next 48 hours. We talked of things as tho we had what we thought would be until old age and when the kids moved out. We also talked of how to arrange a baby shower for a young lady that we felt of as a daughter and his part in securing the spot. To me the thought that life would go on as if nothing bad was ever going to happen is telling that he had no idea no more than I did of what lay ahead. Meaning that he was not having any kind of pain and not telling me about it. Which is one thing I wondered about in the beginning.


Dot
Goal: To do better today than I did yesturday.




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LOSE4LIFE47's Photo LOSE4LIFE47 Posts: 36,798
8/5/13 11:47 A

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You DEFINITELY needed to be with your husband that day. You were being obedient to the Lord which is so important for us. My husband kept telling his kids & me, "No regrets, no worries." So at least you had no regrets!! You have been such an inspiration to me since I have met you here in this team. I have NO regrets spending time with my husband. The Wed. before Dennis died I KNEW he didn't have much time left. He was having a hard time breathing so I called hospice & they told me to give him some liquid morphine every 1/2 hour & I did it 3 times so I was thankful I was home with him. After the 2nd time of morphine Dennis told me that when we went to bed lay my head on his chest. I thought that was odd but my youngest sister had told me before her husband died he kept telling her beautiful things but she had no idea he was preparing her for his death. I started listening to things Dennis said to me & I KNEW that was one of the first things he was telling me. He started calling me beautiful more & thanking me for staying home with him (he used to not want me to stay home from work). He started being more loving & wanted us to have more time together.

Peggy (Colorado)

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8/4/13 7:53 P

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Mores the pity for them to be angry at you for taking time to be with your dying husband, especially after the fact. When I told my minister, he even agreed that God put it in my head to stay home and be with Dave, he agreed that is where I needed to be that day. God does not need your undivided attention, he needs you to know he loves you unconditionally. He knew where I needed to be for my own ease of mind for my future. God knew even if I did not that I had plenty of other Sunday's to sing his praises.

Dot
Goal: To do better today than I did yesturday.




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8/4/13 5:56 P

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That is so awesome about the Sunday before he had his stroke. I am sure you have been thankful since your husband has been gone that you had that Sunday together. Even if people don't understand--you do! I started crying when I read that. Yes, you are definitely blessed.
Dennis never wanted bucket list memories. I was so thankful I took the week off work before Dennis died to make the beautiful memories we did. Every morning we sat & talked for a long time & read our Bibles. Then Dennis took 1 1/2 hr. nap & I did SP things during that time & then we talked more. I am so so thankful for all the times we had together even though my work manager & supervisor were upset with me I found out but I don't care. We were having our time together!!

Peggy (Colorado)

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8/2/13 1:56 P

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It has been hard at times, I take comfort in this, the last year of his life we did some things that were bucket list memories, not because we knew, just out of chance. I had this God given feeling that it was time to do some family outings and we did them. Then one thing the Sunday before he had his stroke, I was getting ready for church and at the last minute I decided not to go, but spent the day with my husband, just being a couple, we went to breakfast, something he really loved to do. Then later we went to Long John Silvers, a restaurant he super enjoyed and we had not been to in eons. We just spent a Sunday being a couple of silly old timers enjoying each other, no kids, just being. Those that do not believe would just say blah.... well I know God knew I needed Dave time, I could go to church another Sunday and my heart is always with God, so he told me to have Dave time because Dave time was running short. I thank him for that little gift because that gift meant so much to me. I am blessed. I forget that sometimes, I need to remember that more often.

Dot
Goal: To do better today than I did yesturday.




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8/2/13 12:49 P

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I believe it would be harder in your situation not to be able to tell him goodbye. That would be horrible. At least we spent 25 to 30 min. alone & he had his eyes fixed on me & smiling the entire time. Then I leaned down & kissed him on the lips & he kissed me back! I have that memory! Yes, some days ARE harder than other days. What happened in your husband's situation would be so hard & I can't even understand how difficult that has had to be for you all this time. emoticon emoticon

Peggy (Colorado)

Please check out the teams I am on Challenged by Arthritis, DO IT FOR LOVE!, Isagenix users & Osteoarthritis in (Hips or knees) mild or Severe teams!!!!







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8/1/13 7:08 P

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I do not know which is harder, to go thru a long drawn out process like what you and your husband went thru or what happened with the death of my husband. I simply came home from work and got a phone call that my husband had collapsed while making a delivery, that was a Tuesday, he died that Friday morning, he never woke to tell us good bye. He simply left for work like normal Tuesday morning before we were awake and we never spoke to him again. All we have is seeing him laying in the hospital bed with tubes. No matter how we look at it losing someone we love is hard and some days are harder than others. Some things will spark the flow of tears like nothing else can. For me it is the song "To Sir With Love", first because he loved the song and the movie, second because the words so much can describe our live together. I was 16 when my husband and I first met and only 17 when we got married, 38 yrs later I was his widow. That song will bring on the tears quicker than anything.

Dot
Goal: To do better today than I did yesturday.




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LOSE4LIFE47's Photo LOSE4LIFE47 Posts: 36,798
8/1/13 10:19 A

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My husband was diagnosed with esophageal cancer June 2010 & the oncologist told us from the beginning that our lives would never be the same. Boy, was that the truth. My husband started out with 6 weeks of radiation & lots of chemo. He went to work every single day even with a fanny back to keep chemo going into his body. Oct. 2010 he had surgery & he took 4 weeks off work & I also did. The surgeon told us they couldn't get to 1 lymph node that had cancer because it was to close to the heart. The surgeon also said my husband would do good to live 5 years. He had more chemo & radiation but he still went to work no matter how sick he was. Then the first of 2013 my husband had cancer in the brain so he had cyberknife surgery which only shrunk the cancer but didn't get rid of it. Then the last week of Mar. our dr. called my husband at work to tell him he could no longer work nor could he drive as the cancer was eating his tailbone. I KNEW since the cancer was in the bone he wouldn't live all that long. In June my husband had a PET Scan & they said the cancer was in the soft tissue & muscle in the right arm & it moved into the left arm. We had hospice come in for a few weeks before he died on July 3.
I am having a hard time during this grieving process. This is why I need a group like this for support.

Edited by: LOSE4LIFE47 at: 8/1/2013 (10:21)
Peggy (Colorado)

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3/28/13 12:26 A

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tri-girl
I pray things will get better for you. You only can grieve and heal one day at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow. Focus on today and do one nice thing for yourself. You are so worth it. I will pray for you as you work through this. God Bless you.
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Here I go again....never give up!!


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3/19/13 10:52 A

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TRIGIRL....I am very sorry for your loss. I know when I lost my brother and mom, my world turned upside down. I credit a good therapist and great friends and family with helping me through that difficult time. Taking care of myself was very hard at first, but I learned that if I didn't no one would and it just made me feel worse as the weight piled on. The exercise helped me heal. You will get back on track. You have the knowledge and the desire. Take each day as they come. emoticon

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

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3/19/13 9:49 A

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Hi all,

It's been a rough beginning of the year for me, and thought this group would help a lot! I lost my brother January 4th. We are still waiting the autopsy results, but we are thinking it was a heart attack due to a long battle with drugs. Last week, my uncle passed away within 10 days from pancreatic cancer. And my husband was diagnosed and had surgery for skin cancer. it's very treatable and we're not super worried but just one more thing on our plate. In Aug. i was at my lowest weight in a long time and now I've racked it back on again. I'm so frustrated with myself, but it's taking all of my energy just to get up and face the day.

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2/18/13 11:18 A

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I am so sorry for your losses. I know it is hard, my dad passed in 1999, I still miss him very much. I don't think we really ever stop missing our loved ones, but I think we evolve to a point were we can function and the pain is less so. I am not sure the term move on even applies, other than we are alive and what choice do we have, we must keep living.

I personally will be marking 2 yrs since my husband has been gone in one more month. I would have thought the crying would have stopped by now, but no I am still brought to tears by certain things.

For me making it even harder is getting up and going to work each day, I just want that part of my life to end, but I have to work at least another 2 yrs. It is not that I just want to wallow in bed all day, I have other things going on and it is all just to much.

Again, I am so sorry for your losses, I do hope you can find joy soon.

Dot
Goal: To do better today than I did yesturday.




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2/18/13 10:25 A

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Dot...sadly my niece passed just shortly after I posted this. She is no longer in pain and is free of the sadness she lived with each day.

Today is the 6th anniversary of my mom's passing. It is a tough day. My family struggles to deal with my crying. I feel bad for them. I just need to get it out and go through the emotions. I'll be okay tomorrow.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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12/28/12 8:20 P

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I hope she can turn this around, def in my prayers.

Dot
Goal: To do better today than I did yesturday.




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12/28/12 10:45 A

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Please pray for my niece, Lisa, who is currently in the ICU. The drs do not expect her last much longer. Her liver has shut down and her other internal organs are starting to fail as well. She needs all the prayers she can get. She is a beautiful, talented young lady who has so much more life to live than the 26 years she has had so far. Our family is holding out for a Christmas miracle.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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5/1/12 4:43 P

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I think at some point you have to make yourself want to listen or you will fall deeper into the black hole.

Several years ago I let myself go into the dark place, I finally got so low I seriously thought my family would be better off without me, it was Valentines day, woke up enough to know I needed help, so I fixed my family a special meal and after it was over, the kids in bed I asked my husband to take me to the hospital and I was admitted and put on suicide watch for several days. Best decision I ever made, first I got help, second my kids would be alone now when my husband died a year ago if I had not gotten the help I needed. So in short listen to the voice deep inside, find someone to talk to, but do not go deeper.

Personally, one thing I did that helped me was I started making plans for a family vacation that we had been putting off for years, the planning and scheming gave me something to look forward to and in some respect saved me from my black hole. For each person it is different. Perhaps you have a favorite hobby, or activity, go back to that, something you can do WITH your daughter, even if it is to take a walk around the block. Trust me it helps. It did for me.

Dot
Goal: To do better today than I did yesturday.




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5/1/12 3:17 P

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I'm still having a really hard time. There's a line between grief and depression and I think I've crossed it. I don't hear my daughter anymore. She gets upset and yells at me because she says I never hear her. Apparently I ask her 3 or more times if she has homework every day. I just don't remember. I'm not trying to ignore her, I'm truly just stuck in my head.

Crystal from Vancouver, B.C.

"You're on the line between breaking point and breaking through"


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4/21/12 11:24 P

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I think each time I go thru a spat of hard times at the end I feel drained but I feel like I have healed somewhat. Do I think I will ever stop missing my husband, nope,he was to much a part of my life for to many years. I do have hope that the pain of missing him will lessen some in time.

Dot
Goal: To do better today than I did yesturday.




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4/21/12 3:07 P

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Isn't it funny that good memories are often centered around food? Hmmm

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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MISSYJOAN's Photo MISSYJOAN Posts: 181
4/20/12 10:31 P

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Thank you, I do remember things nice, like my mom loved IHOP pancakes. emoticon

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4/13/12 7:37 P

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MissyJoan.....I know how hard it can be to want to hear your mom's voice and to long to have your sibling back in your life. I didn't think the pain would ever be less, especially at the holidays. I am thankful that time does in fact help you heal, even though you will never forget or never stop wanting to have your loved ones close again. I try to find ways to keep my mom and brother alive in everyone's heart. That helps me remember the goodness they brought to my life.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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MISSYJOAN's Photo MISSYJOAN Posts: 181
4/13/12 6:16 P

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Hi I am back, I can see from other post that we are all in grief. I joined a few years ago because my cousin who was like a sister died from cervical cancer. Now last year my beautiful mother died from lymphoma. I do not know if the sadness will ever end. I try to focus on the sweet memories. Some days all I want is to hear my mother's sweet voice. Thank you everyone for being there. emoticon

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3/25/12 12:04 P

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emoticon

Dot
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3/25/12 11:34 A

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Today would have been my mom's 68th birthday. I cannot believe it has been 5 years since she passed. Today I plan to spend it keeping my mind and hands busy. We have theater tickets for this afternoon. I hope the play is a comedy. I could use the laugh.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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11/18/11 9:55 P

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Froggie..... I hope you can feel the group hug you are getting right now.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Dot
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5/30/11 11:09 A

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Dear FROGGIEBEAR, I am so sorry about your Daddy. It is a sad day when violence, for no reason, takes an innocent life and leaves a family in shock and sorrow. It doesn't make any sense. I'm glad that all of the people, whose lives were touched in a positive way by your Daddy, came to his funeral. It shows what a truly great man your Daddy was. I hope that you will take as much stress leave as you need - this is one of the greatest stresses ever- and it sounds like you are being a smart person and seeing a counselor. This kind of thing is like a great big slam to the solar plexus when you weren't expecting it. It's like a storm too big to categorize for a family. You'll get through this, FROGGIEBEAR, but it will take time and baby steps each day. Don't worry if you don't get as much done as usual these days (there were days when getting dressed was a major accomplishment). Please feel free to rant and rave here whenever you need to or to express how you are feeling. People here understand. Take care, hon. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I am sending much love and many, many hugs your way. Laurie
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Without a sense of humor, you may as well keel over and die, so LAUGH!


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5/23/11 11:28 A

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A week ago my Dad was murdered. I don't have the strength to tell the story again, but I wrote about it in a blog. I am barely dealing with the fact that I've lost the most important man in my life, never mind how he died. His funeral is tomorrow, I don't know how I will make it through. I'm taking stress leave from work and I don't know when I'll be able to go back. Wednesday I'm going to make an appointment with a councilor.

I don't know how I'll get through this.

*Susan*

It's up to you now if you sink or swim, just keep your faith and your ship will come in" GBS

"Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

~ Earl Nightingale"


"Unless you faint, puke or die, KEEP WALKING!" Jillian Michaels



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4/2/11 5:59 P

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Sally, you do not need to apologize for sharing your true feelings, whether they be long or short. You are going through a family crisis of monumental size. You certainly are not crazy- far from it. You are a strong, valiant woman, who supports the people she loves. If you ask me, that is wonderful. Of COURSE you feel scared and numb and confused. In these circumstances, if you DIDN'T feel those things, I would wonder. These are normal human responses to the horrible events taking place in your family right now. I am so sorry that you are going through all this, hon, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Please keep us posted about this as often as you need to. By helping each other when things get really hard, we help ourselves to heal a tiny bit. Take care, Sally. With much love and many, many hugs, Laurie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Without a sense of humor, you may as well keel over and die, so LAUGH!


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4/2/11 3:22 P

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Hi everyone. My name is Sally and I am new to this group. I am going through a hard time and could use some support. I was off work for a month because I needed laser treatment on my eyes as my retina's were seperating. Well I am healing from that and back to work. But in the meantime we found out on March 15th that my sister has cancer. It started in her pancreas and is all through her organs. She went to the hospital with a pain in her tummy and throwin up. They thought it was just an infection. Yesterday they told us that it is now in her bones and uncurable. They gave her 30 days. I am soo numb, scared, confused and I dont know what else I am feeling. I am going up to see her tuesday (we live about 5 hours apart) and I dont want to come back. I want to spend all the time I can with her. My mom is 82 and she is up there. She lives down here. She lives on her own and I am having these thoughts that we should move in with her again. We were living with her but decided to move out a few years ago. I have a feeling that when my sister goes that my mom wont be far behind her. I just want to make life easier for her and I know she does not want to leave her house, to live somewhere else. I am the type of person who wants to fix everything for everyone and make it better for them. Am I crazy ? I am just so mixed up.
Sorry for the long post but I promise the others will be shorter in the future.

Thanks
Sally

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3/15/11 7:32 A

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Laurie...thanks for all the support. I do find it odd that people don't want to talk about my BIL as if he didn't exist. I fear that this will come back to haunt them in time as no one has really dealt with it. I know Easter will be tough. Maybe then will be good to remember him as he would have been at dinner with the family.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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3/14/11 2:24 P

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Janine- It is strange to me that there was just a burial for your BIL's twin sister to get closure. She must be really torn up inside. She's lucky to have you. Perhaps a remembrance dinner or something like that could happen? That way whoever would like to get together and talk could come. Much love and many hugs to you and your loved ones, Laurie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Without a sense of humor, you may as well keel over and die, so LAUGH!


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3/14/11 7:22 A

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Kate,
Thank you for the support. I am worried about my BIL's twin sister. She indicated to me that she had hoped the burial would give her closure, but did not feel it had. I wish there had been time for people to go through the process of grief that would help with this. I imagine the months to come will indicate just how people are handling this.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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Janine,
How difficult it is to not have some kind of remembrance or acknowledgment of your BIL's life; it is sad for everyone, and I would think that it will only make the grief process more difficult than it already is for your in-laws. I hope that everything went alright today; maybe you and few others could have your own private service or celebration of life in some way.
My thoughts are with you during this time...
take care. Love, kate



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3/12/11 9:59 A

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Kate,
Thank you for your support. Today is the funeral. My inlaws do not want any kind of service. It is very different from what I am used to with my family, where we usually have services that last days. It will be a sad day for all.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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3/6/11 1:00 P

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Janine,
I'm so sorry to read of the sudden loss of your brother in law. Any loss can take your breath away, but the unexpected ones are just so difficult. I pray that your family is clinging together for love and support. Know that you have ours too!
~Kate emoticon



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My 41 year old brother-in-law passed away today. A complete shock to us all.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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2/25/11 9:07 A

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Laurie...thank you seems to not be enough for all the support you offered me this morning. The laugh was so needed and much appreciated.

Rounding out my vacation today by heading to the gym. And then I get to work on more work. If the real world only knew what little down time teachers really have they might actually appreciate us a little more.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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Janine- I'm so sorry I wasn't around to answer promptly- a family member had surgery and I had to go help out (no computer there). Anniversaries are awful, if you ask me. They have more power than regular days to see the starkness and finality of death. Then, they make you cry and your make-up runs until you look like a cross between a member of the old music group, Kiss, Alice Cooper, and a zombie. Then, you look wretched and you feel wretched and you cry and cry and have an exhausting-in-every-way day. You're a teacher. What are the worst stresses for you in your work? For me, it was the constantly changing curriculum with one year's books saying the opposite of the next year's book and administrators (around here, many are gym teachers) who tell successful-for-decades English or History teachers that their programs will now be taught by computer only.Well, if you have an actual person teaching, who has a passion for his/her subject and the dramatic ability to transmit this excitement to students, you can use the computer as a 2nd informational source and get teenagers excited about something other than texting! People do NOT understand about teacher vacations. First of all, all but a couple of days are taken up with planning for school. And the three days left are the saving grace- the time-out for what's left of our brains to decompress and get us ready to greet the kids with a genuine smile. I hope that this time period wasn't too bad. You have always given me good advice and I thank you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, hon. With much love and many millions of hugs, Laurie
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Without a sense of humor, you may as well keel over and die, so LAUGH!


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2/18/11 9:50 P

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Jenn...thanks for the support. I made it through the day pretty well. No tears today (although yesterday was a waterfall of them). I hope you had a good day celebrating your mom's life!

Today is a day I always think about how lucky women are to have their mothers still with them. Although we had a rocky relationship, what I wouldn't give to have another day with her.

Thanks again! I appreciate your support.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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2/18/11 9:36 P

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Hi Janine - I'm sorry for your loss - your stress - your pain. Wish I could give you a hug. Sorry it took me so long to respond.

So today, Feb 18th, is the 4th anniversary since you're Mom crossed over. Strikes me as ironic, because today would have been my Mom's 91st birthday, had she not passed away just over 13 years ago.

I hope you made it through the day ok - & it is ok to have a good cry. It means survival sometimes.

Jenn

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Tomorrow will be the 4th anniversary of my mom's death. It has been a tough week for me and and even tougher last couple of days. Work stress is compounding it and I am looking forward to tomorrow being over, I will probably spend the day working to keep my mind off it, and then coming home and having a good cry. I think the stress from work is making it so much worse for me. I am ready for a vacation next week!

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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1/12/11 11:58 P

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Jenn,
Thanks for the info about Dallas. DJ used to go there for treatment that was not available to her where she lives, but I do not think she would go to a grief group. She has many physical problems as well as PTSD. She does not do group therapy well for reasons that I cannot not explain on a public forum. SHe does have a therapist that she sees one on one when she is well enough to make the trip to Longview.
Thanks again, I appreciate you taking the time to tell me about this and for caring.
Hugs,
Margo

"Waving to the past, Running into the future."

Catching the wave to a healthier lifestyle!!!



You are the same person today that you will be in five years from today, except for the people that you meet and the books that you read.



 
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1/12/11 11:53 P

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Laurie, Thanks so much for all the icons and millions and zillions of well wishes. Seeing all those things made me smile. I have been very busy the past few days and I find that it really helps me. I have had trouble with my wireless keyboard and today I dug out my old one until I figure the new one out. I will try to post as often as time and my computer allow me to do so.
Hugs and smiles to you.
Margo

"Waving to the past, Running into the future."

Catching the wave to a healthier lifestyle!!!



You are the same person today that you will be in five years from today, except for the people that you meet and the books that you read.



 
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1/12/11 11:49 P

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Beth, Yup the crying and sobbing do sneak up on you, but that is normal. You have had 2 losses in a very short period of time and that is so DIFFICULT. All I can say is that eventually things will not be as intense as they are at this point. Grieve at your own rate and to heck with what others think is 'normal' or 'average'.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

"Waving to the past, Running into the future."

Catching the wave to a healthier lifestyle!!!



You are the same person today that you will be in five years from today, except for the people that you meet and the books that you read.



 
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1/7/11 1:51 A

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I just got home from work; I started sobbing at work and that is not a good thing. I cry or sob like I did tonight without warning! Help!!!



I WILL go confidently in the direction of my dreams!!

I am worth it!!


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1/6/11 3:15 P

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BLT1952 - Glad you're having a better day today!

Margo - Looking back, apparently I never responded to your original post. Glad there's other more reliable people here - lol? I happen to live in Texas myself. Wish I could be of some help. If your sister was in the Dallas area, I know where the VNA hospice has bereavement luncheons each month. I've been to several, & for me it's a place to go & not feel as alone in my grief, & they have a bereavement counselor speak each time about different aspects of grief. I'm glad you & your sister have each other, but wish you could see each other. I hope you both are getting along ok today.

Jenn

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I am having a good day! I truly appreciate all of the support and advice that you have given me! emoticon



I WILL go confidently in the direction of my dreams!!

I am worth it!!


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1/6/11 9:24 A

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Margo- I am so sorry that you have to go through this.It must be extra hard when your sister is ill as well. You are a wonderful support to her- I can tell by your words. Noone in our family saw my daughter's body and it does put a little doubt in one's grieving mind- could she still be alive and living on a beautiful island somewhere? However, there are rules about reporting a death and I think that we can both be sure that our loved ones are truly deceased and safely in the best parts of heaven, looking down on us and smiling in understanding. (I figure that, after death, our understanding about life is pretty complete and, even if we weren't that nice in life, we are kind and loving in heaven)I'm glad you have your good friend- he is definitely a blessing. And yes- there is that fog at first with grieving that makes focusing more difficult, but you are very good at explaining your situation nonetheless.I hope that you will visit this group whenever you need to, for it is easier to get through this stinkiest part of life together than it would be off by ourselves alone. God bless you, Margo, and I send you a million, zillion hugs through the computer. With much love, Laurie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Without a sense of humor, you may as well keel over and die, so LAUGH!


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1/6/11 9:01 A

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BLT- Sometimes we just need to have somebody tell us that our good days and bad days and crying and yelling are PERFECTLY NORMAL for what we are going through. People who have been through intense grief will understand; people who haven't probably won't. If anybody gives you guff about it, just tell them, "Excuse me for being a human being with feelings who is in the midst of grieving for a loved one." If they don't understand after THAT, just stay away from them whenever possible because they have no warmth to give and no love in their hearts. Cut yourself some slack during grief. You are a good person and you will make it through. It is just really tough. I'm sorry you have to go through this but remember two things: 1)the only way you can get through this life WITHOUT experiencing this pain is to go through life without loving anybody ever and 2) love never dies. With much love and many hugs to you, BLT, Laurie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Without a sense of humor, you may as well keel over and die, so LAUGH!


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1/5/11 8:58 P

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Have you thought of "speaking" to her at these times? telling her you'll be OK that she can move on? I did this with my dog as she visited me the night she passed.

Or thank her for "being" there with you--some way of acknowleging this happening.

My Plant Strong Adventures @ veggieteach.wordpress.com






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1/5/11 1:22 P

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BLT, Sometimes those things 'just happen'. Does the song give you comfort? I sure hope so. Your subconcious is sending you messages that at this point are unexplainable when you are awake. I have been experiencing the same types of things as the days go by. Your mind and body are probably trying to work together to give you some respite from your grief, even if it is a littla at a time. Remeber that God does work in mysterious ways.

Hugs,
Margo

"Waving to the past, Running into the future."

Catching the wave to a healthier lifestyle!!!



You are the same person today that you will be in five years from today, except for the people that you meet and the books that you read.



 
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1/5/11 11:42 A

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Having a bad day! I woke up with the song "On Eagles Wings" playing over and over in my mind. It was played at both family members funerals. It was also a favorite song of my moms.
It has happened more than once, waking up with that song in my head. How can that happen?



I WILL go confidently in the direction of my dreams!!

I am worth it!!


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1/4/11 10:09 P

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Wandering in perfectly acceptable--I'm glad you have a friend. encourage your aunt to reach out to friends or other family, if that's possible. Most hospices have berevement groups that anyone can join.

Take care of yourself. Get rest, try to eat well. I know how hard that can be. Take a walk if the weather permits--even in the cold, you will feel refreshed.

Come here as often as you want. We stand beside you.

My Plant Strong Adventures @ veggieteach.wordpress.com






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1/4/11 7:18 P

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Hello,
I am new to the group and was invited by BLT1952, who is a member of another team I am on.

My Mom died in early November in Texas and I live in Canada. It has been a difficult time, as neither myself nor any family member, saw her deceased. She had donated her body for medical studies. My siter, in Texas, is also in poor health and is having a much harder time dealing with Mom's loss than I am. I have my days and moments, but worry more about my sister as she is deteriorating each and every day.
Thank God for the computer and the telephone. We spends hours chatting by both methods. We are both on limited incomes, so being together is not an option at this point and she cannot travel by air and driving for a 24 hour trip is also out of the question...the consequences negate the effort put forth.
I try to keep in my routine and also keep busy with small projects. I take time for myself when I need it and have a male, long time friend that is very supportive, even though we are not a couple. He has taken me to a few social events with old school chums and sends me short, funny emails almost every day. Once in a while he pops in out of the blue just to deliver a coffee and a hug and then is gone again. Friends are truly a great blessing.
I know I have been rambling a bit, but I am sure you all have done that when your loss was fresh and understand that sometimes were unable to focus and get a point across.

I'll be back again to visit or vent and am glad that this site is available for me.

Hugs to all,
Margo

Edited by: MARGOMANIAC at: 1/5/2011 (13:18)
"Waving to the past, Running into the future."

Catching the wave to a healthier lifestyle!!!



You are the same person today that you will be in five years from today, except for the people that you meet and the books that you read.



 
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1/4/11 12:17 P

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Perfectly normal. This is still pretty fresh for you. You'll always miss her, but the really rough, raw parts will smooth out over time. But it is a process one has to go through. And there is no "expected timeframe" either - it is different for everyone. You probably won't just wake up one day & go "Oh - I'm fine now." The healing comes a little here & a little there, from my experience.

Edited by: SPARKLES at: 1/4/2011 (12:20)
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Thanks------I have "good" days and bad days. The bad days I cry and if someone says"boo" to me in the wrong way I will cry and yell.



I WILL go confidently in the direction of my dreams!!

I am worth it!!


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1/4/11 10:56 A

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I'm so sorry for you loss. Ditto on what the others said. You NEED extra rest - & try to get some nutritional food in you. Your body as well as your emotions go through heck when you're grieving, & it even lowers your immune system. I had a couple of health issues last year within a couple of months of my Dad dying, so I'm a believer. Yes, it makes you SO tired! A grief counselor I heard, said, "Grieving is hard work." And it's a process & a journey. No rushing it, but no going around it either.

Like White-Lotus said, it's ok to go through parts of your day not showing your grief. Just so you can let it out SOMEtimes.

I hope you have people or at least someone you can talk to about things in person also, but either way, do come back here & talk. We definately understand.

(((hugs))) to you. Jenn

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1/4/11 7:33 A

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Remember to take care of yourself! I went about my business when my mom died and again when my brother died. It took me a while, but I finally hit an emotional wall and I stopped taking care of myself for a while.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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Get extra sleep, reach out to friends, acting "normal" at work helps us spread out the grief in samll doses. You've had a big hit--time will help...stop in here often.

My Plant Strong Adventures @ veggieteach.wordpress.com






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1/3/11 3:15 P

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I lost my mom on Dec. 8 2010 and then a very close relative on Dec. 21 I went to the funerals and cried. I feel such a loss that words can not express my feelings. I go to work and act as though nothings wrong, I just don't want to do any thing and it shows. All I want to do is sleep!



I WILL go confidently in the direction of my dreams!!

I am worth it!!


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10/5/10 9:37 P

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Laurie-

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's passing. I know this sudden loss is hard for your mom. You are a wonderful daughter and she will feel the support you are giving her.

Yes--I hated the hard cold feeling of my dad's body. They didn't have his hair combed right and it just wasn't him. I want to be cremated and have some of the ash turned into precious gemstones for my kids.

The Wizard of Oz senario sounds very wierd--yet funny with you already back there. I certainy wouldn't like to be presented with a loved one's body like that. what a shock.

Sending you that bucket of positive, healing, comforting white light energy. Pour it down onto your face and let it cloak you with it's soothing healing protection.

I'm here for you!

My Plant Strong Adventures @ veggieteach.wordpress.com






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10/5/10 5:17 P

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Laurie....my thoughts are with you during this time. I am sorry to hear about your dad, but somehow feel comforted to know that you are more at peace with not seeing your daughter.

It's funny that after my brother passed away I refused to go to the hospital to see his body. My oldest brother called me selfish for not going. I never understood why he thought that, but I have made peace with knowing that I did not need to see Jan's body to say goodbye to him. I did not need or want to be surrounded by family to mourn the loss of my brother. I did so privately in my home. At the funeral I did kiss his body, but I knew he was not there.

Sal...I cannot begin to imagine the pain you have endured with losing a child. My thoughts are with you and know that Ben is smiling down on you.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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10/5/10 1:25 P

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That December snowy evening that I went into our youngest son's room to kiss him goodnight, when I kissed him on the forehead, he was soooooo cold that I knew he was dead not just sleeping. I will never forget that moment. His heart had failed him while he was going to sleep. While we were doing CPR, I called out to him to come back to us. When the paramedics took over, I could tell they knew he was gone too, but his heart started up again. The next day his heart failed him again in ICU and we let him go before his brother could get there. Now he is not in pain anymore, but we are all missing him. It is really not fair to have a child die. Good bye Ben our sweet little boy . . .

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((((Laurie)))) I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your father. Mine has only been gone a few short months, so you know I know. I'm glad you're there for your Mom - it must be awfully hard for her. I know when my Dad passed away, he was looking forward to being with my Mom again.

As for the shock of seeing them after death - my dad's body was not prepared at ALL, because he was being cremated & we had to find a funeral home that would even allow viewing before. I thought that the comforter they put over him was very nice & pretty. My brother had Insisted that he SEE THE BODY! Then - he didn't like what he saw & got all in a flap about it. To me, he looked just like he did when he died, so it was no surprise.

Ok - enough about me. Just wanted to say "I know" & have been there - my sympathies are with you, sweetie.

Jennifer

Edited by: SPARKLES at: 10/5/2010 (13:21)
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SMURFETTE2423's Photo SMURFETTE2423 Posts: 3,295
10/5/10 12:58 P

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Well, the last few weeks have been rough. Dad had a stroke and all six of us went to be with Mom and say "goodbye".He was able to smile at us and say a few words. What a blessing! Then, a few days ago, he had another stroke and, this time, doctors realized that over half of his brain had died and he was in a coma. So, they did Comfort Care, which for them meant no food or water- just morphine and keep him comfortable. So, he died while my sister and I were on our way over there again. It was really strange at the funeral home. Dad is going to be cremated, but Mom wanted us to see him one more time in his clerical robes (he's an United Methodist minister). So, I was coming back from the ladies room and I noticed that he was in a room next to there, so my sister and I went in. I had not seen my daughter after she passed away, so I didn't want to feel guilt about this, too. Instead, it was so bizarre and we kissed his forehead to say goodbye and it was so icy cold and it was so obvious that "nobody was home" in his body. So, now I don't feel at all guilty for not seeing our daughter and nobody's seeing me either after death. Now, comes the semi-funny part. The coroner brought Mom to the other side of the curtain and pressed a button and WHOOSH! the curtain opened. It was as if he were a magician, revealing his very best magic trick. Then, they were both so astonished that we were already in there that, in any other setting, it would have been comical.It was so hard for Mom- this forced separation after being together for almost 65 years. She wanted to blame the exercise bike for tripping Dad (it was atrial fib, though) and causing the stroke, so I dragged that thing downstairs, out the door, and to the front of the yard and put "FREE" on it and it was gone that day. We have tried to be supportive, but there really is no way to lessen grief. She is 87 and has been with him, a partner in life, for 64 years. It is rough.Thanks for listening. Laurie

Without a sense of humor, you may as well keel over and die, so LAUGH!


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JIACOLO's Photo JIACOLO SparkPoints: (275,428)
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7/11/10 11:48 A

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Mary.....losing a sibling is a very difficult thing! When my brother died I struggled with the question "why?" He had fought for 17 years to beat his cancer and yet it didn't matter in the end. It took me some time to get beyond this, and can easily find myself thinking this again at times. However, I have reflected so much on his time here and gained such strength from him and his journey. It has also helped me reflect on my own journey in life and where I am in it.

I hope in time you will find some peace with her passing. She sounds like an amazing lady whose life has a lot to learn from.

If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.

- It's Janine!


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7/7/10 8:37 P

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Mary- I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. The death of ones we love is the stinkiest part of life and, since it sounds like your sister was your best friend, too, it is doubly difficult. I hope that you will post here whenever you need to, hon. With love and ten billion hugs, Laurie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Without a sense of humor, you may as well keel over and die, so LAUGH!


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7/3/10 3:26 P

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My thoughts are with you. Some time has passed so I hope you have been able to work through some of your grief.
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