I am not doing so good today, I had an appointment with my therapist today and week 2 in the mirror desensitivity treatment...my therapist pulled out the mirror and put it in front of me, we went through the relaxation techniques and I began to dissociate...I had the feeling that he was there even though looking through the mirror there was no one behind me, my therapist was trying to keep me in the present, after we were done with that all I could do was sit there pretty much in another world, my therapist was pointing out that it was a success and wanted me to say I felt it was, and because I didnt say that she didnt think that I wanted to get better...she keeps saying that to me, I dont know what else I can do, I am doing all she wants me to do...I sat there for 20 min in front of that mirror and I am not sure it was really a success because I dissociated...yes I made it through, but not without losing it, I was almost crying...I am thinking that maybe 20 minutes was too much...I dont know, i am sure she knows what she is doing, but I am just frustrated that she keeps telling me that I dont want this bad enough when I am doing all that I can...I am so scared that she is going to give up on me as most of my previous therapists have done...if she does I dont know what I will do...I just feel so pathetic...I love my therapist, I dont know why I keep freezing up and not able to answer her questions, maybe I am just stupid...I dont want to lose her, I dont want to lose another therapist, if I do lose her I give up, maybe I am too pathetic and too far gone, maybe I am beyond help...
I am sorry I dont mean to be so negetive after all those good days, but I am just really frustrated and not sure what to do anymore.
I hope everyone else is doing alright, I love you all... Monika
Even the smallest people can change the course of the future. -Galadriel, Lord of the Rings fellowship of the ring.
Around here we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening new doors and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths. -Walt Disney, Meet the Robinsons
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