Monika, I hope you're having a better day today. I agree that your grandma would not want you to continue to beat yourself up, so if you want to make her happy think about all the wonderful times you shared and make yourself feel better.
I have arrived, I am home In the here, in the now I am solid, I am free In the ultimate I dwell Buddha
Well I am not sure what I can say that probably hasn't already been said to you in fourteen years, but you shouldn't beat yourself up, I am sure she understands you are sorry. I bet she looks down on you and wishes you wouldn't worry about it and move on with your life and remember the happy times you 2 had together, not the last time you seen her.
Since that was the last thing you did with her, of course that is the thing you remember and feel guilty about. You can never have closure, because she isn't here to say "your sorry". But I am sure she knows it was in the heat of anger and you really didn't mean it. Grandma's understand more then we think they do. I hope it gets easier for you. I have a friend that I lost when I was 18 and before he died I was ignoring him because I was mad and then he died, and I never was able to make up. I struggled with that for years and then realized he wouldn't want me doing that, he would want me to "live".
Last night I started to feel really lonely and began to think of my grandma and how much I miss her...the last time I talked with her we had a fight and I said somethings I shouldnt have and yelled at her..I never got the chance to tell her I was wrong and that I was sorry and that I loved her...I never got the chance to make things right...and I was wrong...She was more of a mom to me then my mom...I miss having her there to talk to.. I often feel like I caused her to die...I hate feeling like this...this all happened about 14 yrs ago, so why cant I forgive myself...right now I am crying as I have been most of the night...when I did sleep I had nightmares....I woke up not wanting to get up and right about now I want to cut and crawl back into bed...I really hate myself and I hate life...I just cant stand feeling this way anymore...but I dont know what to do anymore...I really hate all of this. Monika
Even the smallest people can change the course of the future. -Galadriel, Lord of the Rings fellowship of the ring.
Around here we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening new doors and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths. -Walt Disney, Meet the Robinsons
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