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HLTHAPPINESS4C's Photo HLTHAPPINESS4C Posts: 21,550
4/28/09 1:23 P

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Glad to have been a help. Sorry to have misunderstood your needs, but hope it was helpful in some respect.

As for how to deal with the anticipation, I try to refocus my thoughts to something more positive or distract myself by doing something completely different...like listen to upbeat music, watch a funny comedy show, read something, pray or meditate; just anything to keep my mind occupied.

Cynthia~~~ A follower of Jesus Christ!!

Proverbs 3;5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight.
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SUMMARAH's Photo SUMMARAH Posts: 2,523
4/28/09 11:08 A

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Thanks, you guys, for your advice. I appreciate it. I re-read my original post, and realized that it seemed like I was asking for advice on how to deal with the conversation that we would have. But what I was really asking was how to deal with *MYSELF* and the anxiety I was feeling in anticipation. The varying scenarios that I would replay in my head. Like methods you guys use to stop yourself from doing that. Know what I mean?

By the way, the issue never came up. Maybe it was because his cell phone was stolen by one of his students at the end of the day. Who knows ...

Thanks again, though. I truly appreciate you guys taking the time out to "listen" and respond to my desperate plea. Off to walk now! Take care!

Summarah

Forgive yourself and move on.

"If you have (love), you don't need to have anything else. If you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have." - Sir James M. Barrie

"God give me the courage to love with an open heart." - India.Arie


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ADRIENNE502002's Photo ADRIENNE502002 Posts: 596
4/27/09 9:58 P

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Okay, I'm going to play devil's advocate. What if he does say it's all about you? Planning for the worst sometimes makes me able to relax a little because I have a plan for worst case scenario, even I don't think it's likely. My mom thinks this is daft, but it really helps me.

If I were in that situation then I would want to tell him how it makes me feel. How would you feel? Backed into a corner? Frustrated? Blamed? Try to tell him honestly without accusing him, using "I" statement about you, and then guide him into a more productive way of talking with you, telling him you value his opinion and want to hear him but how he's phrasing it makes you anxious. It would help if he only used "I" statements about himself, such as "I feel frustrated when I see dust bunnies rolling around under the bureau." Nothing about you to begin with.

Then ask for a plan. How would it be if he could have everything just as he honestly wants it without regard for your desires? Write it out together if necessary. Don't say anything no matter how crazy it is - just write. Then write out what you would honestly like if it were just you. Stop him if he protests - no apologies for each of you. Ask for more time to think about it if you are really bowled over or need time to think (but agree when you'll come back). Then, when you and he have a blue print of what you each want, you can come together and work out compromises. Be realistic. If he has never vacuumed the living room though you've asked him to help a thousand times, ask him what is behind him not thinking he needs to do his share, or what he would be willing to do in return for your continuing to do it. Decide if you like what he's offering if you go that road - make it fun, make it worthwhile(dance lessons? dinner? Hold him to it)! Go through each thing on the list and decide which things are most important to you, and go back and forth choosing one from each list each time - flip a coin for who goes first if you need to. Even if you don't follow this all the way to the end, it will be useful in taking the focus off what one partner is or isn't doing, and on what you both can do to make things better.

If there is anything he can do to get what he wants (which is after all what this is about, since it seems like you may be happy with things as they are) I imagine he should want to do his best. If you feel comfortable and valued, he only stands to gain.

If you know how to handle it if he does the worst thing you think he could, then if he is gentler, you can feel a little gratitude that he took the time to be kind. Thank him. If you can find a way to look at this with love in your heart (after all we cared enough to marry them!), then working on a solution that pleases you both will only make you stronger.

Don't be afraid. You are not as powerless as you may feel!

Edited by: ADRIENNE502002 at: 4/27/2009 (22:14)
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you.
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SPARKYCARLEY's Photo SPARKYCARLEY Posts: 7,737
4/27/09 9:01 P

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I agree with the others. Don't take it so personally. It's a problem that he just wants to discuss. It's not necessarily about you. Think of it as a household problem and you're solving it together. It's no one's fault. It's something that just 'is'... and it needs fixing, or repair, or upgrading.

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HLTHAPPINESS4C's Photo HLTHAPPINESS4C Posts: 21,550
4/27/09 6:42 P

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Breathe deeply and try to reset your mind to a positive way of thinking. Going into something on the defense just makes for a bigger mess. I don't like confrontation and so I feel I need to defend myself when someone is critical or I fear they are going to be critical. This is not a healthy tactic because there are times when the person is not actually being critical.

For one: Do you really know that We meant U? This may sound harsh, but you are not a mind reader. You MIGHT be correct that he means you, but there is a good chance you might be wrong. Try doing something relaxing for the next few minutes and think of positives way you can respond. Maybe be open with him about your insecurity of we sounding more like me.

I think it's best not to prepare exactly what you are going to say because you aren't really listening to what the other is saying....you are too busy getting ready to respond.

I hope things go well for you tonight. Let us know how things turn out.

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Cynthia

Cynthia~~~ A follower of Jesus Christ!!

Proverbs 3;5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
4/27/09 4:52 P

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You sound like me and could be taking it more to heart than what it is worth.
Be open and willing to compromise. It shouldn't all be about you and what is going on in the household. HE lives there too, and he should be willing to take a part in what needs to be managed better. Be sure he doesnt let it all fall on you.
I have been married for 32 years and so compromising is a big step and can make being married easier if BOTH partners are willing!

Good luck!
Laurie

Edited by: LAURIE1076 at: 4/27/2009 (16:53)
Laurie

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SUMMARAH's Photo SUMMARAH Posts: 2,523
4/27/09 3:45 P

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Okay, you guys will probably think I'm a flake, but this is really making me anxious. This morning, my husband told me that we needed to set aside some time to talk about how the household is being run. He said there are some things that "we" could be doing better. Now I know that when he said "we" he meant me, and I am trying not to get angry anticipating what he might say. I try not to think about it, but it creeps back up on me every once in a while today. Like I think that he is going to criticize me or what I do, and I am mentally preparing my responses for what he might say. How do you guys deal with situations like this? What do you tell yourself to not let your imagination get the best of you? In serious need here ...

Thanks in advance,
Summarah

Forgive yourself and move on.

"If you have (love), you don't need to have anything else. If you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have." - Sir James M. Barrie

"God give me the courage to love with an open heart." - India.Arie


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