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9/16/08 2:49 P

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I don't post much but felt I had to chime in....I'm glad FIL was on his best behavior, however, that was only once and he'll want to come again...keep that same plan with the kids, that was good!
Next point....counseling!!! You, your hubby, maybe even your kids...if you don't do it now, you'll for sure need it in the future! Even ALANON may be an option. http://www.ola-is.org/
Last point.....WILL?! WHAT WILL?! He's going to drink it all away!

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
~Theodore Roosevelt


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CANUCKER08's Photo CANUCKER08 Posts: 2,436
9/16/08 12:01 A

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Stay safe, and glad it went better than expected.



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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
9/15/08 7:09 P

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I am glad all went well.Sounds like everyone had a nice visit and maybe will see how family get togethers can go without all the crazy drinking.
I am also glad you made it through the storms. We didnt get much up her in Granbury, thank goodness.
I have lived in Houston and those storms used to scare me so bad!

Laurie

Laurie

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I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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~*KIMMI*~'s Photo ~*KIMMI*~ Posts: 2,618
9/15/08 3:15 P

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Saturday/Sunday actually went much better than I could have ever hoped for with the fil. I was nervous because Kenzie's friend had something come up with left Kenzie at home, then found out that the brother in law and family was coming with him which was fine, they have a daughter that is around Kenzie's age. I'm suspecting that Tim actually ended up mentioning my anxiety about the fil drinking because he was on the best behavior I have EVER seen in my whole life - even when Linda was alive. There was drinking, but it was not a ridiculous amount, nobody got completely trashed, nothing was broken, nothing horrible was said... it was such a relief!!!!!!!

Everyone left rather early on Sunday because that hurricane was arriving and the winds were horrible. After they left the power went out (about 11am) and then Tim and I heard a huge snap and crash and our pine tree in the front yard snapped at about 10 feet up and fell across the road taking the telephone pole with it as well as the street light. The telephone wires are blocking our driveway and our neighbors driveway which makes me nervous... I'm hoping they get over here at somet point to fix it. I'm really thankful our power came back on around 3am - I feel for those who are still without.

Kimmi

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

Carl Jung


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9/11/08 12:10 P

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Go Canucker!!!



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~*KIMMI*~'s Photo ~*KIMMI*~ Posts: 2,618
9/11/08 11:04 A

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I will let you all know how it goes.. I am really feeling much more confident and positive about this whole thing. My daughter is going to spend the night at her friends house so she can attend church with them on Sunday and my son will be more than happy to hang out with me in his bedroom, play games, watch movies and eat popcorn and read books together - he is much easier to please than my daughter.

I realize I have absolutely no obligations to anyone in Tim's family and therefore if I want to avoid them all like a plague its my choice and right. There may be some butt hurt feelings but that's not my priority and if they don't like my run and hide maneuver - good, it may mean no more future visits. I realize I may have to deal with Tim being upset or annoyed by my behavior but he can't say that I did not try and speak to him about it beforehand.

CANUCKER08 ~ I would love to see you boot him out - that would totally make my day!!

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

Carl Jung


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CANUCKER08's Photo CANUCKER08 Posts: 2,436
9/11/08 2:13 A

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I hope it works out for you Kimmi. But please stick up for yourself, your home and especially your children if you need to.

Be strong, or I'll just have to come over and boot him out! LOL

.... Guess I still have issues.... emoticon

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SUMMARAH's Photo SUMMARAH Posts: 2,515
9/10/08 10:57 P

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Hi Kimmi. I'm so sorry you have to go thru this, but glad that you have it somewhat resolved. That is a great idea to have the kids spend the night with their friends. Probably will make it easier for them to miss spending time with their Papa. It is infuriating, but common, sadly, that a grown man will not defend his family and his home, all of which he has chosen, against his parent, whom he did not choose. But we are where we are, and you are doing exceptionally well in the face of all this. You will do just fine, Kimmi. The kids need to be defended. Period. And if their dad can't or won't do it for some reason, then you've got to be the one to step up and take the lead on this one.

I'll be rootin' for ya!

Summarah
emoticon emoticon

Forgive yourself and move on.

"If you have (love), you don't need to have anything else. If you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have." - Sir James M. Barrie

"God give me the courage to love with an open heart." - India.Arie


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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
9/10/08 1:35 P

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That is great Kimmi...you control what you can and leave the rest for your hubby to deal with. Maybe a few times of this happening and your father in law will get the idea to care enough to not get drunk around you and your kids. Your hubby knows you mean business and stick to your guns.
Let us know how it goes.

Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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ELLE_2012's Photo ELLE_2012 Posts: 473
9/10/08 10:23 A

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Good for you Kimmi!! I was thinking about that too...having the kids stay somewhere else. It'd be nice if you weren't there having to deal with it too. But you are right, at least you can control SOME of it and protect your kids!

You're a good mom!

"There is no elevator to success, you have to take the stairs."


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~*KIMMI*~'s Photo ~*KIMMI*~ Posts: 2,618
9/10/08 9:30 A

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No, its not too tough.. I get your point of view and appreciate it. I actually had a long (on my part) talk with my hubby last night about how I felt and what my concerns were. I felt blown off for the most part and I know I made him angry because he is still giving me the pouty silent treatment... and thats okay because I made several decisions based on what I CAN control.

The kids have the option of spending the night with friends OR going to bed at 8pm - no exception. I am positive they will go spend the night with friends, no kid wants to go to bed at 8pm on a weekend night. They will get to see thier Papa for about 2 hours and he will be sober for this time frame.

I can't control his drinking - I already know that. He is going to do it whether he hides it from me (which I highly doubt) or not and since this is Tim's home as well he DOES have a say, which sucks for me, but its true. He can be a wimp and allow it, whatever. I plan on going to bed at 8pm if the kids go to friends and if they don't then I will stay up until 9 or 10pm to make sure they go to sleep and don't get up. Then I'm going to bed. I'm not going to deal with drunks, Tim can have all that on his head and deal with it himself since he does not want to prevent it or stop it.

Thats pretty much it for my reach of control, I have no family or friends here so going somewhere else is not an option for me. This is the best solution that I could come up with and having just told my DH how I feel and making a plan of action has killed off most of my anxiety.. now I'm just annoyed that he is such a freakin wimp where his father is concerned.

Thanks everyone!!!
Kimmi

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

Carl Jung


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CANUCKER08's Photo CANUCKER08 Posts: 2,436
9/9/08 9:35 P

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If my hubby insisted he come and didn't stand up for his family, especially the kids, I'd find another place to stay with the kids for the weekend and get the heck out of there. Too bad for the hubby, since he's not being assertive with his own father and the FIL is not listening to you. It's disrespectful and you need to think of your kids and your sanity first and foremost to be a good mom. Your hubby should as well.

Do you have other family or friends you can stay with for the time he's visiting? And if he wants to visit with the grandkids, then insist he be sober and monitor the visitation. Maybe that will teach some of them a lesson and take you and your kids mental health more seriously.

Too tough? Sorry, but it pisses me off than grown men will act like this.

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ELLE_2012's Photo ELLE_2012 Posts: 473
9/9/08 4:35 P

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I hope you guys work through this too. I know it must be awful! my husband's uncle is going through that too. He's constantly drunk. He lost his wife one year and his adult son the next. No one mentions his drinking. I guess they feel he's entitled.

~hugs~ let us know how it goes!


"There is no elevator to success, you have to take the stairs."


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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
9/9/08 3:23 P

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Well Kimmi...I hope you find your way in all this. I can imagine how stressful it can be. You shouldnt have to go into anxiety to have family come to your home for goodness sakes!
I just know how hard it is to stick for myself and\or a family member to my mom who abused me. Even though we get along now, it is hard for me to talk back to her in any way, even to defend myself! I kind of have an idea of what your hubby is going through. I hope he gets the courage to stand up for what is right for his family. I personnaly think although it may be hard for him, he will feel better about who he is.
Good luck.

Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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~*KIMMI*~'s Photo ~*KIMMI*~ Posts: 2,618
9/9/08 2:52 P

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I know you guys are right and I really do try and talk things through with my hubby and but doing so a lot of the time - especially where his dad is concerned... well its not the easiest thing.. The issues between Tim (my hubby) and Rick (the FIL) are complex... Rick was at best a pretty negligent father in my opinion. He did some sports stuff with Tim - which is where they have their common bond, but over all he was a crappy father. He belittled him and teased him because he was overweight growing up, and still does. I see Tim CONSTANTLY trying to please his father and gain approval. The drinking thing did not start up heavy like this until after Tim's Mom died in Feb of 2003, but since then its been horrifying. And the thing is nobody speaks about it... this family is horribly toxic and dysfunctional in the worst sense - things are said when the guys drink, sometimes fighting breaks out, and instead of talking it over sober these people just sweep it all under the rug and nobody says a peep until the next drunken brawl. I'm the ONLY person who speaks out to Rick and that in itself is scary... is it a 'father/son' issue or what - I have no idea. I don't know if they are afraid of being cut out of the will or what the deal is but I am absolutely sick and tired of it. Nobody here offended me with suggestions and support, I really appreciate everyones thoughts.. I'm still not sure what is going to happen, but I am going to talk to my hubby about it tonight and try to see how he feels. He has to hate the drinking like I do, I can't imagine anyone LIKING to see their father drink like that. Ugh... at any rate, I appreciate you guys - thank you!!!

Oh - I wanted to clarify this: When I said above 'the guys break out in a drunken brawl' I am referring to Rick and Tim's older and younger brother.. they all have these issues between them all. Tim does not really drink much - maybe 1 beer now and then. Thank the Gods...

Edited by: ~*KIMMI*~ at: 9/9/2008 (14:52)
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

Carl Jung


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ELLE_2012's Photo ELLE_2012 Posts: 473
9/9/08 2:11 P

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wow this is tough! you need to sit down with your husband and tell him this behavior is NOT acceptable and hell yes the kids are going to remember this! Trust me! I know!
THEN you need set some ground rules. Like he can come over IF
1)he watches what he says
2) He keeps his hands to himself
3) no drinking!

If those rules cannot be kept, then he's not allowed over. period.
Stick up for your family or else it will NEVER improve and you'll be stuck with this for the rest of your life.

"There is no elevator to success, you have to take the stairs."


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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
9/9/08 2:02 P

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This is a tough one. I am wondering what this man did to your hubby to keep him from sticking up for his family.
You see I was abused and lived with my mom who was a drunk. You get this fear for your parent and even as an adult it is hard to defend, even those you love.
You HAVE to be able to feel like your home is your safe haven and it needs to be for your children as well.
YOU have to let your father in law know he is welcome if he can come and visit the kids on YOUR terms. In my opinion if he has to drink he cannot come. That seems to be what makes him a menace. If he cannot quit drinking long enough to see his family then maybe he needs to get some professional help.
It is up to you to protect your children from such language and nastiness.
It is a shame people get so ill they inflict their families with their illness.
People who do not respect my home and my values are not invited, regardless of who they are.
You and hubby need to talk. Set some boundaries. But try and do it together.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes. I hope I did not cross any lines with my opinions and suggestions. If so I sincerely apologize.

Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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9/9/08 1:03 P

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sounds a lot like your husband has his own UNresolved "issues" with his father and obviously needs counselling. He is at risk of becoming that man if he doesn't get some help.

Keep your kids away from this person. There are TOXIC people in the world and some of us are unfortunate enough to be related to them. I had to remove myself from a family situation because the other members of that family were simply good enough for my kids and myself to be around.

In addition, DO NOT allow excuses to be made for this man's behaviour. This translates into problems for your kids down the line. Co-dependancy, etc, etc. I have lived all of this and I wish I knew then what I know now.

This man would not be welcome in my home,regardless of who he is. Take care of your kids and yourself.

Goodluck hon...This is not a fun situation.

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~*KIMMI*~'s Photo ~*KIMMI*~ Posts: 2,618
9/9/08 12:31 P

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So I was informed last night that my father in law is coming this weekend to spend the night (Saturday - Sunday). I don't really like him and my anxiety goes through the roof whenever I am around him. He drinks A LOT (like a 24 pack of beer per night), says things around my children that he knows I don't want him to, tells them very horrifying jokes and stories, picks on them, makes rude comments in general, and this is when he is sober!! When he is drunk the behavior is ten times worse, but he also gets very 'hands on' with me which makes me uncomfortable, he breaks things because he gets clumsy and falls all over... I just hate having him in my home - more than even being in his home. The last time I was around him was a couple weeks ago and we all went to a dirt track race. He ended up so drunk he could not open the van door, and then proceeded to start telling my 6 year old son and 11 year old daughter some horrifying jokes and comments and I lost it and totally screamed (and I am serious when I say I screamed at him) at him to shut up. This whole time my husband was silent and I kept trying to get him to back me up and he refused to. Later on when we were back at home (we had spent the night at the FIL's) I told him I was concerned that he did not mind the stuff that his dad was saying to our kids and he actually told me it was fine because they would not remember it and he just wanted to stay out of the thing... so I was furious about it for a long time and all this is coming back to me now and I have no clue what to do. Banning the FIL from coming is not an option and neither is taking my kids away for the weekend - they love him and want to be around him... but how the hell am I supposed to get through this weekend?? I already feel like I am close to totally flipping out and its only going to get worse as Saturday gets closer.

AHHHHHH - HELP!

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

Carl Jung


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