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6/1/13 6:29 A

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i created the june chat topic ... follow up replies in it

i typically create a new general chat room each month to keep things fresh and generate new topics and they don't take forever to load b/c there aren't 300 pages to them

Edited by: KIMBERLY0916 at: 6/1/2013 (06:31)
How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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AYLAMAY SparkPoints: (5,925)
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6/1/13 1:56 A

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Hello everyone,
So It's the First of June. Someone asked what I did Memorial Day weekend--nothing much. we had italian sausage and corn on the cob cooked on the stove because it was raining. Just like now it's---raining. and tomorrow it will be---raining. The forecast for the next two weeks i--rain. Flood warnings. Maybe my father should change his name to Noah. This dreary weather darkens the spirits. By the way is the name of this loop being changed to June CHit chat or am I responding to a closed topic?

I went to my pdoc Thursday and he increased my Abilify from 2mg to 10. Now if only we can get the insurance to cover the $800/month that it costs. I have been living on samples.

Hope you are all well. More later, as it is 1;30 am and Ma is pushing me to go off to bed.

Aylamay

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5/30/13 10:19 P

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I get my shot on Monday, so hopefully things straighten out after that. I hope that I don't need an authorization or anything. I talked to the women at the OB-GYN that is part of the same school as the one I'm going to and they said that I wouldn't need one.

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5/30/13 6:16 P

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hi all. am back from wrangling the dog to the vet and back. it's quite an ordeal. mom and i drive 20 miles to get dog. then back that same 20 and additional 20 miles to the vet. then back to dad's and then home. it's almost an all day thing. dog has gained 9 pounds since november and up to a whopping 93lb. it's time for me to increase my frequency of dog walking trips.. it'll be good for me too.

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5/30/13 10:56 A

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Larissa hope after your shot every thing settles down again. So did they recommend something to help you if it's just gas? Maybe you are allergic to wheat. If you tried gluten-free eating for awhile it might help. It did with all my discomforts. good luck in finfind an answer.

We have more warm weather and rain predicted today hopefully it will be like yesterday wait till late at night or early morning to rain then clear up. No sun so far but hope it will come out soon. Haven't been as active as last year not enough energy or time in the day. I have been getting up later and then on the computer or hurring around for some appointment so haven't been out as much. I'm losing too much muscle but can't bring myself to exercise so I just sit reading books. Finally did my dishes now to tackle the rest of the house before inspections in a few weeks. I will try to get my laundry caught up, I am going to do one load today, and pick up abit. This summer is kind of slow compaired to last year with the garden to take care of. It's a good thing I didn't decide to garden after all because the one that cause me the problems did garden after all. It would have been a fight this year with me feeling stronger for my rights. I miss the fresh veggies but not the headache. I'm using my light box but it doesn't do quit the job the sun does I need to be out more in the sun lite. It always helps my moods and energy level. Have a good day and take care. Lucinda

I will do my best to meet and surpass my goal. Never stop learning or trying to achieve success. Never give up keep plugging away. If it is to be it's up to me. .


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5/29/13 9:44 P

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am excited for the Psych finale. going to go make sure the TV turns on (it's stubborn).


How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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5/29/13 4:52 P

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I know purging is bad for me, and that's part of the pull. When I get depressed, I do things to self-sabotage. I'm thinking of going back to some really bad habits (not going to say in case it triggers someone) and I have to fight hard to not do them. It doesn't help that Geo is in one of his moods and I'm getting late for my shot so I'm all hormonal. I get the Depo shot every 3 months and I'm not going to get it until after it's due. I guess that along with everything else is piling on top of each other and making my life hell. I don't know what I would do without PT... the exercise is just what I need, and getting out of the house. I'm thinking of going out for a walk but my knee is giving me some problems. Maybe I should put some Icy Hot on it and see how it goes from there. I need my knee to be good for PT tomorrow.

I had my ultrasound today (guess what? it's a boy! LOL! No, I'm not preggers) and it was painful. The woman said I had a lot of gas in there because of my IBS and I might need to do a CT scan to see what's going on in there. All I know is that my kidneys are fine because that was the only thing she pushed on that didn't hurt. My liver hurt and my spleen hurt when she pushed on them. Maybe it was just the gas, I don't know. Like yesterday when I was getting my back deep tissue massaged. Every little knot hurt, but he was able to break them up a bit. I took the transport from my HMO to the appointment and it was good. I was waiting for a while after I was done, but there was a lot of traffic. That's what you get on a rainy day.

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5/29/13 12:14 P

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Hi all good morning! So much is going on with all of you and I can't remember which one has what written. My food stamps were cut to but I only have me to worry about. Thank goodness my Daughter has me over at least once a week and my Mom gives me left overs once in awhile. So I stretch where I can and shop at Walmart. Should be Aldies but I never know how much cash to get out for groceries and don't want to bother with redepositing the left over money. July is bringing a number of big bills some I have saved for and one of them I didn't and it will almost wipe me out for the month.The problems of owning a SUV that has something wrong needs to be fixed but it could be costly. Larissa purging will hurt your stomach and if you do it allot it can bust your stomach so please try to control it. Want you around for a long time. The day is 82* already and more rain is predicted but the sun is out now so I need to get out and enjoy it. I have to get the Grandkids off the school bus today and stay for just a little bit my Daughter is going to the Salvation army food pantry and you never know how long the lines will be. It's a sad state this country is in with more people having to use the food pantries that are available. Can't seem to make enough money and families do without. I hate the thought of littl children going hungry and being malnurished in this country. More and more people are needing help of all kinds and it just isnet there. What happened to United States? Well off my soap box and time to go out. Have a good day and take care. Lucinda

I will do my best to meet and surpass my goal. Never stop learning or trying to achieve success. Never give up keep plugging away. If it is to be it's up to me. .


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5/29/13 3:30 A

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mother - i'm with ya on the like/dislike button but I think most of us are too conditioned b/c of Facebook. I'm trying to look at it as a reason to make my own post. a reason to be thoughtful and considerate and interact with folks and not just hit a button of ackowledgment. did i mention the trying part :-)

i can't say i know what it's like to ween off klonopin as I've only had 1mg doses as an emergency backup in a few instances where i was out of control and needed to relax and sleep to be safe. i do know, now anyways, that i don't like and don't want to be a slave to medications. i know they're a nice crutch and at times are super helpful if and when you find the right ones (for any ailment) that actually work and help and make the body feel better, healthier, stable, etc. for oh my gosh a year and a half or more now i haven't had any psych meds. i don't always feel stable and sometimes i know i'm manic or depressed but i have to fight harder to come out of it and fight to get back to neutral. a few weeks ago when i tried a couple of psych meds for the first time i was definitely NOT in any kind of control about anything. it sucked horribly. thankfully it was scary as heck. thankfully i didn't react to or on my thoughts. i've decided right now to keep going it without the meds. bc as much as I've fought to regain some normalcy in my life i really hated that i almost lost all of it in one afternoon after only a few days of the wrong pills. i'm not saying it'll work for everyone. and a year and few months ago i was begging for pills. but then i took control of my nutrition and weight loss and this journey of regaining ME.

LARISSA - i don't have much knowledge on purging but i'm sure it can't be good for the body. perhaps just ease back on what you're eating until you have the doctor exam about the gallbladder stuff. keep in mind a number of the meds you're on can cause dizziness and nausea. eat something light usually is what i try. bowl of cheerios or some fat free cottage cheese are usually my go to foods. i've been getting in to rice lately with various seasonings. it's cheap and can be flavored up all kinds of ways. spices have additional health benefits as well. and i feel fuller longer when i eat the rice so i'm not running to the kitchen every hour b/c i feel hungry. ... as for purging only when your stomach feels funny. that is a dangerous slippery slope of disaster. i used to take pain pills before I'd go out dancing because i was sure i was going to hurt later. so basically instead of taking some OTC ibuprofen when I got home IF my knees/back/feet hurt .. I was taking percs and oxy and codeine BEFORE i left my apartment bc uh sure yeah i'm totally going to hurt later and this is just preventative. .... hello pain pill addiction. ... now of course it's not exactly translatable but i'm sure by now you can draw the parallels.

LUCINDA - best wishes for getting internet and laundry and cleaning issues sorted out.

AYLAMAY - how was your weekend? what did you do?

MOLLOCALYPSE - thinking of you ... hope the work stuff went OK. and hope you got some rest.

ROSES - did the rash go away? i'm guessing you have gloves and long sleeves to help protect against random things like that?

ISEECHANGE - howdy .. any closer to feeling stable?

SEATTLEDENMOM - i have trouble remembering real names when they don't match screen names .. apologies if I don't remember to say Amanda. did the apricots and coffee help the other morning? i don't think I've ever had apricots .... wonder what they taste like.

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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5/29/13 3:01 A

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hey all. after i stupidly let someone's bad mood affect my mood Sat night ... i did something that only hurts me. but price paid. moving on. i just relaxed all day Sunday and recovered. Monday I started my Psych marathon. I think if my math is correct I watched about 17 episodes the past couple of days. the finale before the season musical ender is tonight. I'm looking forward to it! I did eat pretty unnecessary foods while laughing though. didn't quite count/track everything but oh well. each day is a new day. and i enjoyed the time catching up on a show I love.

that said I do feel a bit disconnected from the world though. my friend in Cali doesn't seem to text back anymore. he's going through whatever he's going through and being all quiet and withdrawn like usual. we've been friends the longest of anyone... for me anyways... that's 14 years end of July.

... and my friend where i live now is going through whatever she's going through and isn't really responding/interacting. i was bummed that once again she didn't follow through on going to the movies. but i understand that she was sick and she was supposed to be moving. well i guess playing in the pool with her daughter is how she recovers. i'm allowing a ton of leeway just bc of all the attached drama that yes is more important than a movie but it still stings.

so at this point i'm just trying to figure out my next steps... small stuff and overall stuff. i'm almost completely content with the weight but i know there's more room for improvement and loss overall if I impose some willpower and desire and dedication.

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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5/28/13 8:50 P

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Mother, don't be afraid of doing a "brain dump" here... that's what we are here for.

Geo and I had a talk last night about my purging problem and he was trying to not get angry. He said that if it's not one thing, it's another. I only purged once this month, which is good. I felt like I was going to throw up anyway, so I just made it do what it wanted. I didn't feel bad or anything like I should have. I'm just trying to deal with all these harmful thoughts that come with my depression. I know to get myself to the hospital if I feel like I'm going to be a danger to myself. It's not going to get that bad. Tomorrow I might go see my psych to ask about increasing or changing my Celexa. I also have a ultrasound tomorrow for my gallbladder to see if that's what has been causing the nausea. I only really purge when my stomach feels funny, so if it's my gallbladder then I don't have to worry too much about it anymore.

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MOTHERWORT Posts: 179
5/28/13 1:22 P

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I wish that SparkTeams had 'like' buttons so that I could acknowledge all the liking I have of all of the successes and great days many of you are having... and also a 'dislike' button for those of you/us who are struggling. Know though, that I am reading and supporting you all in spirit even when I don't have the energy to type out what my heart is wanting to convey to each and every one of you.

I am trying really hard to wean from the klonopine but it is so hard...I can generally get through the day without it but at night it takes about 2 mg to keep me from feeling like my world is imploding. I hate that. hate it. hate it. =(

Just trying to stay busy and lift myself from depression - our food stamps were cut over a hundred dollars ...I don't understand how, ...but we are barely making it and I just feel so ashamed. I went in to fax an appeal and the woman was like, 'well, you you know this is just *supplemental*...it isn't supposed to feed your family entirely. I just wanted to bawl. The thing is, they have continually screwed up our recerts due to their workers not being able to input data from our home business schedule C forms properly... this is like the 4 year in a row this has happened. I always call and go in and they always say, 'well, we entered all the data properly'.... it usually takes months to work out. I keep trying to keep my mind in the moment. We have food now. We will be okay. It will be okay. It always turns out okay. Don't catastraphize, etc. just focus on today and do what you can... but for some reason one of my biggest fears is my kids going hungry, (I think it comes from my own childhood issues dealing with not having enough food in the house, etc). The stress is definitely not helping.

Positives - the virtual public school my oldest attends is having a field day with a cookout for lunch tomorrow. I have appointments every day ...well checks for kids, my own appointments, etc. so I should be able to stay busy between that and just helping keep the house up. I am roasting a few chickens right now for dinner while it is cooler out and I have enough energy. We should be able to eat off those for a few days of easy dinners. I love my family so much and I just feel like I wish I could give them more. We have been homeschooling but I enrolled oldest dd in a virtual public school because curriculum, a computer, a printer, etc. are all included...I think we will be enrolling a few more of the kids in the virtual public school for the next year, too. Sometimes they have low cost or free field trips and that is fun for the kids. Homeschooling is great but the curriculum is so expensive as they get older (it is easier to piece free things together when they are younger), and any sports or extra classes that are run by homeschoolers tend to be so expensive. One of my dd's wanted to do homeschool volleyball and it was nearly 200 dollars by the time everything was calculated! We did finally get a reduced membership for the Y and I am hoping I can find some positive extra stuff for them to do there.

Sorry for the brain dump!

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5/28/13 12:41 P

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I spent the day relaxing. Cooked some ribs for supper. It is so hot outside and I worked in the greenhouse all morning. Not sleeping good at night. Having dreams and nightmares. Hope my doc, can do something for that tomorrow. As for now, I have a paper to write that is due on Thursday.

Lottie
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5/28/13 11:27 A

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Hi all! Hope you had a good holiday. My internet is still not cooperating with me so not sure this post will make it to the team. Yesterday was my Daughter's 30 birthday and I spent part of the day with her family and bought pizza for her supper. today I need to get the Grandkids off the bus after about 3 wks off so it feels strange. The good thing my Daughter lets me do my landry their so it saves me a little money and from having to sit in the laundry room in the building. for the last 3 days it has rained off and on and today even though it's warm, 75*, it is said to rain too. Really puts a damper on the walks. I'm going though a peroid where I can't seem to get enough to eat no matter how much I stuff in my face. Don't know what is going on there but wish it would stop. We will be having our 1st inspection in about 2 wks and my place is a mess I just can't seem to bring myself to clean it. I even had my goals wrote out and my Therapist challenged me to get it done and it's the 1st time I have let her down. Well hope you all have a good day and take care. Lucinda

I will do my best to meet and surpass my goal. Never stop learning or trying to achieve success. Never give up keep plugging away. If it is to be it's up to me. .


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5/27/13 8:21 P

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I had a lazy day today. I didn't leave the apartment at all. I just slept all day due to my depression. I'm trying to get over it, but it's just got me in it's arms and it's not letting me go. I purged last night and I'm so ashamed. I don't want to tell Geo. I was on the verge of throwing up anyway, I just helped it along. Or so I tell myself. I go in for a gallbladder ultrasound on Wednesday since I've been having a lot of pain there when it's pushed on. Tomorrow I have PT and I *so* don't want to go, but I know that it's going to help with the depression. Then I have to come home and go to sleep early for my ultrasound on Wed. Then the other 2 days of the week I have PT again. I have a very busy schedule. It's good, because it keeps me from being depressed.

I'm on my 2nd month of Haldol and I'm not hallucinating a lot at all. I'm down from 6mg of Risperdal to 2mg. Hopefully I can go off it completely soon. Then work on lowering the Cogentin. I want to be on as few meds as possible. As it is, my pillbox is starting to empty which makes me happy.

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5/27/13 3:15 P

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hi all. hope this memorial day monday feels like a new day ... a new chance to be healthy

i laid in bed for probably 10 hours but i don't think i rested a bit. not even crazy dreams like usual but definitely dreams and i couldn't relax. between dreams and my hands and feet freezing it was an uncomfortable "sleep" .... anyways ... must continue on

... i drank a monster, won an eBay auction for some metallic green converse shoes :-) and am waiting on rice to finish cooking. while waiting I did some close wall arm push-ups or whatever they're called. am going to try to tone up the tricep area for the dress i am wearing to my 20 year high school reunion on june 22nd.

weather seems calm today but the wind coming in my window seems a little chilly. no mail today so guess I'll go outside for the heck of it *grin* at least for a few minutes

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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5/26/13 3:26 P

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Mother, you can get through this! It's going to be difficult, but you can do it! Taking so much klonopin is a bad idea... maybe you can get something else. I'm on the Depo shot so I make sure I don't get pregnant since I know I can't handle it. Kudos to you! I don't have any really good advice, but I can send a *hug*

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5/26/13 1:50 P

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Thanks Larissa, I just don't know what to do. There is so much to be done... appts for the kids, planning for the summer for them..the baby, next school year, etc. I just feel like I am counting down the days until I can just check out. I am beyond pissed at the psych dr. who won't rx. anything and then the OB who gave me the klonopin... I want to wean off before the birth but I have found myself taking dosages of 10, 15, and even 20 at a time. I know that isn't healthy...it is rare, but sometimes I just want to not be - I know it is the depression but I went inpatient for a few days. It was less than worthless, tbh. I have been telling my therapist and she agrees...I am reaching out to all the 'right' places but it just isn't doing any good.I just need to get through this but tbh I don't know what will come next.

P.S - note username change. Thx.

Edited by: MOTHERWORT at: 5/26/2013 (14:04)
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5/26/13 1:42 A

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Mollocalyse I can really relate!!

I am only just this week coming out of a two year depression that was so bad I didn't take a bath for two months! I have had bipolar for at least thirty years, probably closer to forty, and I understand how frustrating depression can get. I had to stop working ten years ago due to bipolar, and I feel bad that I will probably never be healthy enough to work again. It's nice to have a place like this where we can come and say hey, this is hard, and know other are there, they understand, and know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I wish there was a way to fix it, but know that I'll be thinking of you, and I'll back you up, if I can. We are all in this together, right?

Aylamay

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5/25/13 5:59 P

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I had a rough morning, so I took a klonopin and slept for a bit. I woke up still feeling depressed, so I went for a walk. That seemed to help.

*hugs Momy* I can give you my number if you want and you can call me. I've never been pregnant, but I've been suicidal many times. Just vent to me and I can try and help! *hugs again*

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5/24/13 9:59 P

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Hey all. I took an unwanted hiatus. Have fallen into a major depressive rut and it's been all I can do to just go to work and take care of my son every day. I have a coworker on maternity leave who I am filling in for so my only day off is Sunday. I am tired of feeling so exhausted and depressed all the time and I need to be part of the fitness community again to help me out. Hope you have all been okay. Sorry to hear it's not all good for everyone and I see some new names. It'll take me a bit to catch up.

~BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!~


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5/24/13 5:52 P

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going to see Fast Six tonight .. by myself ... oh well ... i am looking forward to the adrenaline rush!!

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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5/24/13 7:23 A

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The rash finally went away last night. I think it was the Bromeliads that I had my hand and arm down in. They have sharp pointed leaves and I really think they got me.

Momy, I am with the others. Do you have somebody to talk to? If you are suicidal, please wither go to your p-doc or the ER. They can help you there.

Hubby went to work today. I think he is a lot better. We shall see.

No rain so far today. Maybe we will get a break from it for the weekend. With all of this rain, the watermelons are growing excellent.



Lottie
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5/23/13 8:32 P

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Momy,

I'm sorry you are having a tough time dealing with your BP and your pregnancy. I'm with Kim - is there anyone you can reach out to outside of DBT or your therapist? Any friends you can meet up with face to face and do something? If you are feeling suicidal please tell your therapist or p-doc, or go to your ER or crisis center.

Kim - Sucks your friend keeps forgetting about your plans. That is very inconsiderate of her. Your time is valuable. Have you talked to her about it at all?

Larissa - is PT for an injury you have or some kind of fitness program? I'm confused as to what it is. Very good that you had a good day.

Roses - is it calming to you to work in the greenhouse? Do you think you got into some poison ivy or something? I hope the rash goes away.

Seattledenmom - hello! Nice to meet you!

Today was decent I guess. I just don't feel in a...stable space I guess. Experiencing anxiety and sadness this week. :-( Ready for it to lift...

ISEECHANGE



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5/23/13 3:57 P

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kind of having a blah day. woke up around 630a but lazily drifted in and out of crazy dreams until i finally got up around 1230. no motivation for anything today .. which is perpetuating the cycle of feeling bummed ... i do have to head out to a 5p appt .. maybe i'll perk up when i get into the fresh air .. kind of rainy drizzly here today as temps cool ...

my friend is apparently moving tomorrow - yes a great thing ... but i'm bummed that once again our movie plans are casually tossed aside ... this has happened at least 4 times i can think of where we made loose plans to see a movie then when the time gets here stuff has come up or she forgot. i asked her over a month ago to reserve this weekend or today preferably for seeing Fast Six ... guess that won't happen now


green is one hair color i haven't tried


MOMY - HUGS - i'm sorry everything is rough right now. i'm pretty sure the baby and the hormones and such are wacky out of control .. i hear that from even non bipolar moms ... pregnancy is an emotional time ... hang in there .... anyone you can reach out to? for a hug? for a minute to listen? to chat about whatever? try not to blame the meds .. we have to learn to not depend on them .. they're there to help yes but not to be dependent upon

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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5/23/13 3:21 P

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Hi everyone,

I haven't been doing so well, but since I am pregnant my psych won't prescribe anything and one of the OBs prescribed klonopin and I have now been trying to wean off before the birth in July. I have been really depressed and I feel like I am out of options. Honestly, if I didn't have this baby growing inside me depending on me to survive I would have committed suicide by now. I just feel like things are so hopeless. I go to therapy every week and even see a DBT counselor twice a month, but it doesn't really seem to be helping. I am angry that I am dealing with klonopin withdrawal (or trying to come off of it), and it seems like there is no help around here if you are pregnant but once you give birth, hey, they will pump you full of all sorts of mind altering meds. emoticon Sorry for the vent - it is just where I am at.

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5/23/13 2:56 P

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I'm feeling better today... I got a lot of sleep since I was up in the middle of the night for about an hour. I woke up at noon and decided to get a bit more sleep. The next thing I know it's 2pm. I feel good, though. No PT today.. I'm starting to feel my back getting stronger. I've been trying to do my homework. I'm not sore really anywhere besides my lower back. I'm trying to sit right as I'm here on my laptop in bed. PT was kicking my butt, but I'm getting stronger so I don't ache like I used to. All that in 2 weeks! That's what working out for 3 days a week gives you, I guess. Yay for stronger muscles!

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5/23/13 2:45 P

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Feeling pretty good today. Worked in the greenhouse at the college and got into something that I shouldn't have. My right arm is broke out pretty good. Don't know what I got into though. Other than that my day has been good.

Lottie
Eastern North Carolina


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5/23/13 1:22 P

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Good morning all,
Sweet hair Kim! My husband had "flames" in his hair one time before I knew him. I had "easter basket grass" green in college.

I'm both hyped up and po'ed and sleepy this morning. I'm hoping some dried apricots and nuts and coffee fix it. =P
TTYL!
Amanda

Every step needs to be a step in the Healthy Direction!

- www.denmom.com - personalized organization and decluttering solutions


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5/22/13 9:33 P

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Kim, I like the hair!

as for me, it's just drama. My car broke down yesterday and now I have to take the bus everywhere. I don't mind the bus most of the time, but today was stormy. I had to go to PT because if you miss 2 sessions they cancel your therapy. But it made me feel better, so it was worth it.

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5/22/13 3:02 P

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Awesome hair, Kim!

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5/22/13 12:02 A

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hey look to the left of this text ... my new hair color .. i dub thee "ocean wave"

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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5/21/13 5:16 P

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time to wash the color out of my hair .. if it turns out like i hope . it'll be my new fave ..replacing the "taste the rainbow" of last year

i think tonight i'm going to see a movie .. either Great Gatsby or Star Trek

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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5/21/13 4:40 P

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Driedout,

I applied years ago and the counselor and all neglected to tell me that most everyone gets denied the first time and you can appeal. I got the denial letter and fell to pieces - I was really in the recovery stage with my mental illness at the time and getting that letter really made me feel terrible. May have even relapsed because of that - can't remember.

I have an over the phone appointment next week with my local social security administration. Not sure what to expect. This time I think I am prepared for a denial - if that is the case I will appeal.

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5/21/13 4:32 P

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Today is bleh for me. Time of the month - a third day of clouds and rain - and I feel slow and sad...and irritable Something a friend posted on FB triggered some feelings I didn't care for, and I got upset, which later triggered a headache. Guaranteed I get really upset and cry, I get a headache. I feel like crap. Would like a veggie sub...

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5/20/13 11:27 P

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OMG people .. you all didn't get swept away in the tornado did you ?? no posts all day??!?! well i do hope everyone is OK.


i made today good. could have easily been lost in anger and anxiety and disgust but i chose to let it go ... it's crap that directly affects me but I can't change any of it .. and path of least resistance is to go this route with some financial things .. (ugh) ... but i choose to focus on me and good people instead of those that constantly work to pull us/me down.

went grocery shopping .. i was tired about half way through and was like uh oh i should have ate something .. i was shaky ... and i was caring less and less about nutrition labels and coupons. i made it thru though. ate a banana in the parking lot before I drove home.

i bleached my hair earlier. now to work on a game plan for color. i might give myself a mani/pedi to relax here in a bit. i have been kind of an insomniac once i wasn't sick anymore. and no matter how tired i feel during the day after 9pm or something i wake up until about 4a. then i usually only lay down b/c i feel guilty I'm keeping my cat up. manage about 8 broken dream filled hours of rest. repeat. oh well. something will give eventually.

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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5/19/13 9:56 P

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I'm still depressed today over my Nana. I just miss her so much! I want to curl up in bed and cry. Maybe I should... just to get it out. That, and take a hot shower which helps my depression too. Curling up in my robe makes me feel comfy. I think I'm going to do that.

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5/19/13 3:32 P

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feeling better today. it's a new day. a sticky humid day but a new day nonetheless.

got my fitness in by wrangling the vacuum across the "damp" carpet ... put away luggage from trip ... 3 loads of laundry in the dryers ... rice dish eaten (I bought a rice cooker/steamer off a lady on Friday and am really happy with it! really easy to cook rice and supposed to be easy to cook quinoa which i want to try out ... and i've never steamed anything before so new things for me to try out)

for a min or fifty i'm going to relax ... tomorrow i will go to DBT and recharge ... then buy groceries and such since haven't done that all month.

i feel like i'm regaining control .. that is a good thing

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


BECAUSE I CAN


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5/19/13 12:16 A

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i'm feeling a little better. I talked things over with mom and we're in agreement that I'm going to stop trying the psych meds and cancel the appointments. Even one day wasted horrible thoughts is one too many. yes I've understated what I was really thinking. i don't need that kind of crazy and loss of control in my life.

not to mention all the side effects i was experiencing even after just a couple of days on the meds.... like lady parts tender and sore and emotional and loss of myself and headache I couldn't explain and constipation and a ton of others ... i'd come up with justifications for them .. blaming the weather or dehydration or whatever .. but the easy culprit is the geodon and trileptal

i know it was just the first try with this doc but i can't handle THAT severe of a med roulette especially when i don't know where to turn to or who to call middle of the weekend .. and i have zero faith in the crisis line

Edited by: KIMBERLY0916 at: 5/19/2013 (00:20)
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5/18/13 8:00 P

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So sorry about your Nana, Larissa. Writing her a letter is such a good idea

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5/18/13 5:35 P

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Courtney!!!! *hugs* Boy have I missed you! Can you turn on your phone so I can call? I miss our calls. I've been mixed... a year ago today my Nana passed away. I'm wearing one of her rosaries in memory of her. I'm going to write a letter to her later, I think. She was such a loving woman. She worked with kids for most of her life in an elementary school. Always giving, loving even when things went wrong. Towards the end of her life she had dementia, but she could still be sharp. I just miss her.

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5/18/13 3:33 P

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not having a good day. pretty negative head talk and miserable. overly dramatic vivid dreams and i feel drugged .. been trying for a couple hours now to "wake up" and it's not working. sludged up to check the mail. the sunshine didn't even help. am going back to bed and try again tomorrow i guess.. .. was pretty lonely last night. my phone has been all quiet. i hate that i can be social and think i make good connections with people when i'm out and about but then i never hear from those ppl again. it's a 2 way street and it's tough being the one to always reach out. and it hurts when i reach out and get no response. ... and my friend in cali prefers these days to drink himself into oblivion and i rarely hear from him. and my local friend is dealing with custody issues of her daughter and being forced to move out of the father's house early but the new place isn't ready yet .. or something ... too much drama ... and she hasn't even been texting regular chit chat ... and never gets to go out and do anything b/c she has to watch her daughter and no one babysits .... and my sister just figured out a way to nickle and dime us for more money ... by saying she wants to cancel her cell phone and have us pay for her vehicle... so instead of $40-60 a month cell plan plus $85 on her vehicle ... now we'd pay $10 on her cell (lost/stolen no usage b/c can't afford $375 termination fee) plus her whole $200 whatever car payment .. yeah in some stupid arithmetic I'll never understand this is "better" ... FML ... and no mom and i don't have much of an income .. which of course brings up seventeen million other swirling disaster topics in my head ..... ugh !!!! .... i need a drink .. like 10 of them .. but alas .. i'm broke and can't afford ... so trying to get some sleep is the best I can hope for ... but stupid insomnia ... couldn't even lay down until after 4a and then stupid vivid dreams i feel like i was shook from death or something when mom left at 1p for an errand ... ugh ... sorry for the block of text ... that isnt' like me ... but i'm ticked and feel lost and alone and pretty hopeless .. all i can say is i know it's temporary and i've overcome worse ... but ugh i'm sick of going it alone all the time ...

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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5/18/13 2:53 P

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Happy birthday to your mama, Lottie!

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5/18/13 11:32 A

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It is messy outside today. Planning a party for Momma's birthday tomorrow. I had forgotten how much preparation went into one.

Lottie
Eastern North Carolina


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5/17/13 10:33 P

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i made it to the ENT yesterday. i'll spare ya the crazy details of the ride there and back. let's just say that driver was having a super horrible day and it showed. i wasn't going to make it worse by complaining. ... the doc didn't suggest anything I haven't already tried so today I cancelled the follow up appt and the hearing test. It's so easy for them to blame everything on the TMJ and say get a night-time bite appliance. well he called in a splint which I hadn't heard before. but when i got home and looked it up I'm like that's the stupid thing I have that makes my symptoms worse so I don't wear it. I'm not about to pay thousands of dollars to get another one made.. regardless of if insurance pays for it or not. ridiculous to do something that causes pain and stress.

my Tuna turned 5 yesterday. she's milking it for all she's worth by not eating the food (wet and dry) that I've put out for her. I'm not really sure what she wants but she got spoiled while i was on vacation but I can't afford that for her on a regular basis.

i'm feeling a bit bummed right now. i seem to be social and make all these friends when i'm out and about but very few if any keep in touch. i feel lonely. and i can't afford to go out all the time.

hi courtney. i've been doing lo-key maint mode with the team b/c we all had a lot going on.

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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5/16/13 12:05 P

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Hey Courtney, I'm a newbie. I can't say I've "snapped" out of my depression, but I am crawling out. Seriously baby, but I feel better this week than I have in months.

Lottie, I wish you were my neighbor! I'd love to have someone to garden with!

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5/16/13 8:17 A

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Welcome back Courtney, hope you are feeling better.

have to go finish a raised bed this morning. Hubby has the hives and can't stand to wear a shirt. looks better that yesterday though.

After I do the raised bed, coming home and setting out my 2 new shrubs. They are so pretty.

Lottie
Eastern North Carolina


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5/16/13 6:02 A

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Hi everybody! How is everyone? Just thought I'd hop on and say HI and see how everybody is doing and what everyone is up to now a days...It's been awhile. I've been having a tough time and been going through some med changes and I'm just now feeling back to good. I just recently "snapped out of" a major depressive episode. Haven't had one of those in YEARS. U guys know I usually go manic. And just started back on my antidepressant. Finally starting to kick back in and I'm starting to feel "stable" again. Moods kinda back in check.

So, how's the group doing? Any new issues?

Hi to Kim, Larissa, Lucinda and all the new people! You all will have to update me! I'd love to jump back in and join the group and lead again but like someone else said, baby steps. I've been away for awhile so, Kim, I need you to fill me in so I can catch up with the happenings.

Ok, well I hope this finds everyone well!

Talk to you all soon!

Courtney

emoticon

A women's clothes should fit tightly enough to show that she is a woman but loosely enough to show that she is a lady--Marilyn Monroe


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5/15/13 10:33 P

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Hey Kim -- hope you can make it to the ENT. I need to do the same. Friday I have a double day, internal medicine & shrink. I rarely try to do more than one thing in a day.

I've been doing the 5 Minute Daily Challenge. It's not exactly fun, but it's short, and it gives me something I can accomplish. I'm all about setting minute goals and accomplishing them right now. http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_
individual.asp?gid=2198

My sister gave me a FitBit, and the days I made it to 5,000 steps are good ones, forget about 10,000. Today I'm up to 4,000. I don't recommend it as a motivator.

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5/15/13 8:34 P

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I had my second round of PT (physical therapy) today and it totally kicked my butt. This is going to get me in shape! I was doing stairs, squats, biking, stretches... I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow. I'm sorry you are having a bad time, Kim, and I hope you feel better soon.

Everyone, take it easy in the heat! Don't forget some cold water!

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5/15/13 7:32 P

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hi all. i'm doing a bit better today. managed a shower and dinner. tomorrow the ENT appointment and maybe at least put dirty vacation clothes into the laundry basket. probably won't have enough energy to actually get them to the washing machine and dryer but hey, baby steps.

do you all have ideas on games or challenges? I haven't been too active in other teams so I'm not sure what interesting ones are

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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5/15/13 11:51 A

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Lucinda, I've found that sleep is the most important single factor in my mood. While there are all the factors we know and love (I'm being positive here, I really don't hate to exercise, I don't I don't),
I gave up on the not taking Klonoipin every night. I am surely an addict. But I figure, from what the shrinks tell me, I'm going to be on drugs for the rest of my life, what's the difference if I'm "dependent" on Lamictal (you can die from seizures from sudden withdrawal, right?), and if I'm "addicted" to some other drug?

I've been having trouble setting down lately, and I have a neighbor who is compulsive about working on his house. Literally, for the 10+ years since he's moved in, every single nice day he's been out back (right next to my bedroom window) with some sort of saw or welding machine or something super loud and annoying. It's gotten to the point that I scream out the window, profanity I won't use here, because I don't want to offend anyone.

Yup, still crazy after all these years. emoticon

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5/15/13 10:59 A

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Hi all hope you all feel better today. It's cooler today only 79* so far but rain is predicted. Had to get up at 6:00am for my yorkies grooming appointment at 7:30am drop off. Was awake every hour on the hour! Used my light box for a while and that helped with energy but I still have my mood to deal with. I keep going from Manic wanting to spend money I don't have and depression where I just sit for hours. I'm ready to explode and yell at someone whether I have a reason or not. Yesterday I called and left a message with my PDr. to see if I could get amitriptalen (miss spelled) like I use to have a while ago to help me sleep. I think that would help straighten every thing out. Don't give up on filing for disability it took me 3 trys and a lawyer to get mine 3 whole years. Well take it easy and have a good day. Lucinda

I will do my best to meet and surpass my goal. Never stop learning or trying to achieve success. Never give up keep plugging away. If it is to be it's up to me. .


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5/15/13 7:13 A

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Going to Pink Hill to talk with the seniors about Companion Planting. It is supposed to be HOT today with highs in the upper 80s. Did not feel good myself yesterday. Don't know why, just can't put my finger on it. Sometimes I get like that though but most of the time I am worrying about something.

Lottie
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5/14/13 10:14 P

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Larissa, it sounds great. What are you working on in your PT? I was going last fall for awhile for my hip/back/feet (etc), but had to fight with the insurance company so much to continue it that I finally gave up, went to bed and just read.

20 lbs later, I'm trying to move again.

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5/14/13 9:59 P

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Dried, good luck with your disability... I got it on my first try (amazingly). They do tend to deny people the first time to separate those who really want it and for those who are just trying to get it so they don't have to work.

I had a good day today.. started physical therapy. I am supposed to go 3 times a week for 4 weeks. That's a lot for me, but at least I have a free bus pass! I go tomorrow and Friday, and Thursday I have my regular therapist. I'm going to be a busy girl!

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5/14/13 9:12 P

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ISee,

The disability thing has about put me over the edge. I originally filed my claim a year and a half ago and was denies. My shrink said they deny almost everyone (in NYC) based on the initial claim, and that I should hire this law firm.

So I "hired" them. I can't see that they've done anything, but I did get my doctor to fill in a bunch of forms they gave us.

My appeal hearing is next week, and I don't feel as though I'm going in with anything more than what they rejected the first time, except I look a lot worse.

Maybe they'll get one look at me, and realize I absolutely should qualify.



 current weight: 194.0 
 
202
182.75
163.5
144.25
125
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