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10/1/12 7:38 P

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Hang in there, Kim... just take it one minute at a time. *hugs*

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10/1/12 6:03 P

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i've been up since 9ish. i am already totally worn out and mentally exhausted. i don't think i've gotten enough accomplished yet either. probably need to get up and stretch a bit and regroup. if i don't do the signs & symptoms & reason stuff for tomorrow waiting all this time for these appointments will have been fruitless.

mom isn't back yet & hasn't called with an update... but then again she knows i don't like all the drama that i'm quite sure has ensued.

I definitely took my 5p doses and I am not getting much, if any, pain relief :( i think that's part of my distraction problem today.




hang in there Larissa. let's hope it's not painful for her.

yay courtney for feeling good today.

Glinda - i wish i felt that confident in my psychiatrist or any doctor around here that i now see. my last psych refused to prescribe me meds.. but let me go 7 months off them before he got around to telling me that. i've only seen my new one twice. i go again tomorrow. before i left pasadena i had a good set of doctors that seemed to listen and converse with me instead of just looking to see if i was making a scene or not. that's what my team around here seems to do. my counselor has even verbalized those statements to me. UGH.


edit 10 min later ... i'm totally verged on anxiety attack. such a scramble in my head now i can't even keep up. worried about saying what i need to say at docs tomorrow. worried i won't have enough time to get it sorted out. and a zillion other things .. like nephew & car & sis & mom & dad & finances & such a long day tomorrow & how much i'm rambling on here and monopolizing the board & mouth pain & back pain... & my eyes are all blurry today which seems to be a side effect of a lot of my meds.

breathe in ... breathe out ... i'm not usually good at calming myself down. perhaps i will remove myself from the room for awhile. and remember that whatever i get done or print out and take with me is better than nothing ...

Edited by: KIMBERLY0916 at: 10/1/2012 (18:17)
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10/1/12 4:27 P

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here's another "fun" question. more funny-sad than funny-haha: is it better to have racing thoughts or no thoughts (blank)?

for quite awhile i've been blank. but maybe since i started the concerta all these thoughts come rushing through and if something is actually important for me to do or say i almost have to stop immediately and do or say it... otherwise in 30 seconds it is gone. usually not retrievable until hours later if ever.

i really thought i took my 1p dose of penicillin and pain killer .. well took it somewhere around 130 or 2. i think i wrote about it somewhere .. and also that's why i ate the leftover mac n cheese ... but it sure doesn't feel like i took it. come on 5p so i can be sure that i took a dose.

i have the side effect grid filled in. now comes the harder part. identifying all the symptoms i currently have or have experienced in the past month or two ... and try to keep in some sort of chronological timeline. and keep it concise and coherent. OH MY!

- just as i relaxed - nephew calls mom and i hear "where did you wreck it at" - you've got to be KIDDING ME! ... momentary pause .. ok i guess it isn't wrecked .. he's parked at Walmart in Athens but the power steering fluid is just pouring out. it is undriveable.

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10/1/12 3:16 P

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my mom's mother in law is still hanging in there... she goes home today. Once she's there, it's going to be quick, I think. She just wants to die at home. She should be home by 8pm. I hope she can pass without a lot of pain. She's on morphine at the hospital, but she won't be getting that at home.

Other than that in the background, today was a good day. I went to work and the time went by fast. I forgot my wallet, so instead of having a big meal for lunch, I just had some soup. I'm applying for a job at the clinic I work at, too. I have to be careful with my times and everything. I'm a bit tired because I was up for a couple hours in the middle of the night, but it's not anything too bad. Geo is over at his dad's fixing the computer. I'm glad, because now I'm not tempted to go out for fast food. I've been spending too much money on it. I need to learn how to control my spending.

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10/1/12 2:50 P

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LOL Thanks Glinda. I've long accepted some side effects as normal or regular and easily dismiss them.. like headache, nausea, whatever .. then it is comical to see all the contradictions .. may cause unexpected weight gain or loss. uh, what? ... i use WebMD to get the side effects list. The first couple of sections are the usual effects, then serious, then rare but serious, then very serious allergic reactions. I group the first 3 into "regular" and the last into "adverse".

i know for a fact that if i don't take daily heartburn medication my chest is lava on fire. no amount of sitting up or water helps. but sometimes i wonder about the others. and i know the mental hell i've been through the first 7 (now 9) months of this year without mood meds. i really should put that crisis line # into my phone.

totally random off-topic:

are you all familiar with MyPoints? You can earn Gift Cards to places you eat/shop just by clicking on email offers and/or buying products online. I often eat free at Red Lobster, Olive Garden, Subway or buy clothes from Old Navy or Avenue. usually i have to enter your email address to sent you an invitation .. but I think my referral link is: https://www.mypoints.com/rf?refCode=PE1nGL
G3Rn10D---I&arr=s3&afsrc=1&src=EXTERNA
L_PUBLICATION

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10/1/12 1:47 P

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((((((((Kim))))))))),
Your post reminds me of me when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (A hundred years ago it seems) I used to focus on side effects. There's simply too much information on the internet. I finally came to the conclusion that all medication has side effects. I learned that my psychiatrist actually knew what he was doing. That's what they do, they prescribe psychotropic medication. I learned that the main aspects to focus on was my sleep, mania, depression, anxiety and so on.... That's why I took the meds in the first place. I also started thinking why I was on them to begin with.

Sorry to see you are in pain. Hope your mouth gets better.

emoticon

G


Edited by: GLINDAGOODWITCH at: 10/1/2012 (13:48)
So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

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10/1/12 1:34 P

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Ruthie: I just got an email from it (medication notification) today; it also covers medical devises. It DOES alert to contraindications for medications that were not previously known (not on the pamphlets to patient or doc yet) & are often BLACK BOX notifications. One was for Lamictal (side effect not previously known & I called my meds provider that day to alert her as I have a friend who goes to her & takes Lamictal & she has been having the exact symptoms that were listed & Lamictal was not thought to be the culprit!!).

Try fda.gov/Safety/MedWatch/SafetyInformation

If you can't get to it, try fda.gov & search for MedSafety or MedWatch, etc. If you have problems, SparkMail me & I'll give you my email address & just forward the latest one I got & it has how to subscribe just by clicking at the bottom! You definitely need to watch out for yourself! You have been through so much!

I also subscribe to ones from National Institute of Health (many topics including medication).

If interested, try http://health.nih.gov/see_all_topics.aspx & then you can click on what you want to sign up for (newsletters or alerts).

Or http://health:nih.gov./topic/AboutYourMedi
cines

Or I will forward to you if you SparkMail me; I can send you my email address.

My psych meds provider & internal medicine & pain management doc & urologist (& neurologist--though he doesn't prescribe meds--YET!--Just kidding! I'd better not get more scripts to keep track of) & surgeons (for different parts of the body--so far have collected a hand surgeon & knee surgeon & foot surgeon--what next? Running out of limbs!).

ALL have my list of meds & my psych meds provider ran it through a specialized pharmacist at the mental hospital (as my psych meds provider is head of the psych dept. there) & these heavy-duty psych meds are not just run-of-the-mill stuff!

Plus, I do not take ANY OTC pills or anything w/out OK from ALL docs. For example, my psych meds provider recommended FISH OIL for mood (show to have positive impact on mood as well as heart; as an aside, she said to keep them in the freezer to avoid the "fishy aftertaste" if you have that!!)--BUT my pain management doc said FISH OIL PILLS interfere w/my pain medication! Who would have thought??

I think it is fda.gov/MedSafety & you can sign up for alerts to be sent to email, by twitter or RSS feed. I can't tell exactly what the web site is as when I look at the top at the address it is really long. But I think if you start out at fda.gov/MedSafety you might have good luck.

Also, I take 10 mg Vesicare (5 mg didn't work for me, but we are all different--lowest dosage of any medication is the best as far as I am concerned, as long as it works).

As far as the physical therapist, it ends up being a one-woman operation. The physical therapist is the OWNER so she would be the SUPERVISOR of herself so I can't complain to her! Am going to have to go through the state licensing organization, etc. Think I can get a pro bono lawyer to help me, though!

Well, off to see my therapist in a few!!

Larissa: Take good care! Will be thinking of you in this difficult time.

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again.
FAIL BETTER!~Samuel Beckett


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10/1/12 1:26 P

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i know a few times through the night i bit down/closed my mouth and had tooth/jaw pain.. so that wasn't very nice.

i need to eat more to maintain strength but i'm running out of desirable soft foods. and i feel like there are tiny fissures in my mouth in various places now too .. which react painfully to acidic sauces and such .. so that doesn't help.

maintaining semi-decent focus so far. several unexpected visitors so far which always puts me on edge. i think it's time for 2nd dose of penicillin and tylenol 3. then find something to "eat"

i'm updating my side effects grid today. it's going quicker than expected but there are a lot more meds this year than last. and it's really freaking me out how many have side effects that i experience and that mimic or trigger bipolar or other mental illness symptoms. my crazy brain starts thinking well what would i be like if i wasn't on all these meds?

JUST2 : thanks for the medwatch URL

FLORIDA: i haven't looked for a service like that. I think i saw something kind of like it there on the medwatch site. You might try asking your pharmacist as well. They all used to do med checking and conflicts and stuff... nowadays i wonder if they do it unless you ask.

LUCINDA: thanks for the info. we don't have Hy-Vee stores around here. I'm relunctant to pull into every gas station though. I kind of hate shopping. and I really hate going to multiple stores. all the gas and all the getting in/out and up/down of the car and parking... you'd think living in an Historic / Scenic / Rural community there'd be more postcards around. LOL. mom called the train station visitor center in Athens and they said they had some. I dunno what graphics though... or even where it is located. I'll look more into it later.

can your daughter visit you?

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10/1/12 12:43 P

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Larissa I'm sorry about your Mothers Mother in law. Hopefully she will be home and comfortable and pass peacefully I will say a prayer for all involved. I hope your job interview goes well.

Kim I saw some post cards at our Hy-Vee store at the Courtesy Counter. Don't remember what they had on them but one more place to look. If you have a tourist place in town the stores their might have what you want.

Just2 lots of good advice to offer us! Hope your pain issue is better today. Did I understand you right you are going to have to get a Lawyer to straighten out the report problem? What a bunch of crap! The Supervisor should of had them re-write it for you. I wish you good luck with this.

Seattle great job with your 5K! Was that the one you ran barefoot? If so I bet that was hard on a trail and hills!

Courtney thanks for remembering me! I am started on 5mg Vesicare and took Oxybuten for 25 years or more and it just stopped being affective bad deal. So I have high hopes for the Vesicare since the other med as you get older has all kinds of side affects just like my illness! So maybe I will be a little better off of it and be more "normal" whatever that is. If your Daughter was allowed more time around you and as she gets older she will see how much you care and love her. She will understand the situation better as she gets older or married and has children. You are her Mother and that counts for allot! I thought you were trying to quite smoking? It really is bad for you all the illnesses you can have by smoking. I have my own bad habits I thought I had learned a different response for them but they came back with a vengeance! So I know how hard it is to change.

My Daughter moved over the week-end to the other side of town now I can't take my yorkie or walk over to their house. I will miss just being able to walk down for the exercise and taking Toruk. Now I have to use the SUV and that means using gas with cold weather coming on I guess It could be a good deal. I am tired beyond belief and feel a nap coming on but I have to remember to allow enough time to get ready and meet the bus on time for Hayden. So I wish you all the best. Take care, Lucinda

I will do my best to meet and surpass my goal. Never stop learning or trying to achieve success. Never give up keep plugging away. If it is to be it's up to me. .


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10/1/12 12:28 P

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Just2 - you mentioned the website that will alert you to conflicts with medications. I would like to subscribe to a service that would warn of those types of conflicts. Any idea where I might find something like that? I would be curious to know if my problems in August could have been prevented with just such a comparison service. thanks - Ruthie

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10/1/12 11:47 A

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i think from 5a-9a i had some mash-up of a few pop songs going through my head .. the most prominent one is that Owl City feat Carly Rae Jepson. I don't even know the last time I heard it but it feels now like I've heard it 7 gillion times.. oh wait that's b/c i did - in my head!

anyways .. got up. maint man fixed front door frame/lock issues .. and replaced my bedroom window screen. it's not all mangled now and hopefully will keep the wasps from building their nests between the window and the screen forcing me to keep my window closed so I don't get stung. but some spring mechanism in the upper groove came off track or something. he tried to put it back. now when i raise and lower the window it makes a quite awful screeching noise.

today my biggest task is concisely typing up all my side effects and issues.. and questions and concerns .. and reasons for seeing these docs... i have 3 appointments tomorrow in 3 different cities starting at 9:30am with a new obgyn in Athens [gonna ask for a permanent birth control option] ... then 1:45 with shrink in Lancaster [hopefully he's not running an hour behind like last appointment. am gonna ask for one more up in Concerta & begin to broach sleep medicine ideas since the ambien doesn't always work for me] ... then 5p dentist here in Nelsonville [to see if i really do have a tooth infection or if it is a nerve dying and will need a root canal/extraction] .. joy joy joy all around

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10/1/12 1:29 A

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Well, it's 1:30am and I can't sleep. I went to bed around 9pm, trying to get some rest before work tomorrow, and I woke up at midnight and I can't fall back asleep. I finally decided to take some klonopin to get me to sleep... I really didn't want to, but I have to do something. I need to go into work tomorrow (later today) because I'm going to apply for a job there. I need to look good. I'm waiting for news of my mom's mother in law... she has internal bleeding, is on oxygen, and just wants to go home so she can die. She doesn't want to die in the hospital. Hopefully she gets home later today and can pass in peace.

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JUST2MUCH2's Photo JUST2MUCH2 SparkPoints: (1,409)
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9/30/12 11:41 P

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Well, I thought when you made the comment about "Google Support" that I was being punked!!

That's a funny one--Google Support!

Yeah, well, if you looked at the post cards on vistaprint & don't like any of those either, I do think you are in a pickle.

For the person who tracks side effects of meds, I get an email "alert" from fda.gov/MedWatch that alerts me to all new info. about meds that hasn't made it to the info. pamphlets. Several are new info. about which meds to not take together or new dosages, etc.

You can get it as an email alert, twitter or RSS fee.

Should be useful to everyone on psych or any meds.

Well, bed & book time for me! Practice those good sleep hygiene habits!

Night, All!

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again.
FAIL BETTER!~Samuel Beckett


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9/30/12 10:40 P

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i think i got Halloween decorations picture uploaded to my profile:
http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_photo_
gallery_enlarge.asp?id=4427959

i'll try AT&T again tomorrow on mom's iPhone to get to some sort of Apple support. I don't really expect any better prognosis.

i like vistaprint. i've ordered many a business card off them. I use the silver card holder for various ID/credit cards. but I don't want to design my own postcards or have multiple of the same design. I'm trying to find something similar to a Christmas card assortment.. but not christmas themed, ya know .. and as postcards not actual cards.

i used to be one of those tech agents. for several different companies. as were a number of my friend for various companies. add on the hours i've spent on phone calls with various companies. when i first had an iPhone 3GS i went to an Apple store to the Genius bar .. had to make appointments b/c the Pasadena store is extremely busy. one response i got about my issue of crappy battery life was "have you ever owned an iPhone before?!" as if I didn't know what to expect .. as if I hadn't compared tech notes with the Apple fanboys in the tech support group at my work .. as if I wasn't experiencing worse symptoms than one coworker who had his iPhone replaced like 3 times b/c of battery life. I was walking around with bluetooth OFF, WiFi OFF, 3G OFF, brightness OFF, a lot of background data sync OFF, no push or fetch - all set to manual update, always closed apps when they finally added that function... list goes on .. and yet i was being scolded b/c i'd never owned one before.

... thank you all for the advice

PM pills were kicking but maybe i took too long writing this .. i just feel hot now instead of sleepy.

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9/30/12 10:06 P

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Hey, just thought of something for post cards. www.vistaprint.com

Have used them to design note cards, tote bags (canvas w/my own design), & pads.

I looked quickly & prices seemed reasonable, like approx. $43.00 for 250 post cards. You can use their designs, templates or make up your own. Free shipping, too, I think.

Kimberly: Since I do actually have AppleCare support I can tell you that actually the experiences w/them is not what you describe, but I do agree MOST other support is like that. I have just plain canceled a company (home wifi) due to the tech support that was too hard to understand, too long & drawn out before being "bumped up", etc.

Anyway, I am a satisfied customer. The tech guys have given me good tips about how to make my hardware last longer (like turning off apps I'm not using since they keep running in the background if you don't; telling me about a free app that will notify me when the price drops or an app I want goes free).

I have the direct phone line # to one of the tech support guys as I was leaving on a trip the next day & had to make sure that the calendar thing was working correctly & would continue to do so. I told him I didn't have time to start a new call if it started acting up again so he gave me his name & phone #.

I think because the people really like the company they work for (Apple) & believe in the products there is a pride & enthusiasm. Anyway, I know when I worked for a tennis club for 25 years (before the chronic pain made it impossible for me to continue) I really bent over backwards for the members. I went over & above--helped new people get set up w/other people to play at their level, pull out the over-due bills (I did the billing, too, & was supposed to pull out the overdue statements & give them to the owner/manager so he could put a 2nd warning or 3rd warning or even threaten it going to a collection agency) & personally look at each one as I KNEW the members of that club & knew when someone's husband had lost a job, or a spouse had died, or any kind of tragedy & you just don't send an overdue bill w/a "warning" message on it under those circumstance.

The boss/manager didn't take the time to look at the names, just the bottom line of they haven't paid anything on their bill for over 90 days...

My boss did appreciate what I did as he didn't want to be uncaring, but he didn't take the time to do that himself or even think to do that. But the people there returned it in spades when my husband was found to have 4 tumors in his abdomen & that whole crisis of surgery, treatment, biopsies, tests, scans started. I was brought to tears when people at the tennis club I knew nominally came up to me & told me their whole church was praying for him! Unbelievable!

Kim: Since you are dealing w/other companies I can understand why you are so annoyed...

It is not good to just lump everyone together (people or companies) I don't think, though, if you don't have actual experience. It is unfair & makes opinions invalid: "All psychiatrists are uncaring." "All people w/bipolar are incapable of being good (fill in the blank)--parents, employees, etc."

Anyway, watching Stephen Colbert on my iPad while doing dishes. So funny!

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again.
FAIL BETTER!~Samuel Beckett


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9/30/12 10:00 P

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over 6 minute hold to get to AT&T tech support. dude was mumbling into his microphone and I felt like I was in a Peanuts cartoon. wanahwahwah. I explained the issues of Android & iOS & Google Calendar. He mumbled a few things then i was listening to the phone prompts at Samsung (my phone manufacturer). He didn't stay on the line with me. Nice guy at Samsung was basically clueless and could barely reiterate the issue coherently. He suggested I turn the phone off & remove the battery... also to sign out/in of Google account ... and hard reset/format of phone. Of course he had no idea how the iOS devices fit into the picture. He gave me a number for Google. [total call time: 30 minutes]

it's like a main # for Google services. and the prompts 5 then 3 for technical support says they "do not offer live technical support at this time" which is ambiguous as to if they're just closed right now b/c it's 10p on a Sunday .. or they don't have such a staffing. there are a lot of directions to visit various help websites.

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9/30/12 9:23 P

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decorations are done. i didn't really layout or plan the strings i hung this evening so it's a bit hodgepodge but oh well. lights are lights. i just took some pictures. hopefully some weren't blurry. i tend to shake/tremor. i tried to get video of the strobe lights & pumpkin lights both with sound but as soon as I got my camera and got outside the strobes stopped making sound. i dunno if the batteries need changed or if those 2 times sounding were all I'll get and the speaker blew out or something. i left a note on the neighbors door to turn on the blacklight i put in the overhead socket. the switch is in their apartment. i'll get some posted soon.

hahah thanks courtney. yeah the postcard thing is way more annoying than i imagined it to get. .. and hey.. what's this about a cigarette? have you got the patch yet?

JUST2MUCH2 - i'm still troubleshooting b/c i can't find an answer. i usually don't get fast or courteous or knowledgeable techs when I call anywhere. they all are trained to start with the basics like reboot the phone or logout and back in or hard reset the device. an advanced level team might go through some settings. none of those actions will fix these problems. and as soon as you mention it's a sync with another program they're trained to end the call with a "refer to vendor" and get that product's support team to fix it. but then you call that company and they send you back to the first company if they even take your call without charging $50 for a half hour. and I can't even find a Google support phone number.

the problem you wrote about earlier with the iPad can be fixed with one setting in Mail, Contacts, Calendar .. it's called Time Zone Support. You toggle it and set your time zone and then even your device goes to another time zone the time and appointments will stay in your set time zone. it gets a little trickier if using Google calendar. I usually don't use this Time Zone support thing b/c i wanted current time zone clock .. but that meant anything i added to a Google calendar would be on the wrong time.. so I would have to go to the Google Calendar settings and change default time zone to whatever zone i was in during my trip.. then change it back when I returned.

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9/30/12 8:53 P

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Well, if you know more than the techs why are you still troubleshooting? Something isn't connecting w/me about that.

BUT whatever. Tech support that is fast, courteous, solves the problem quickly is totally what I am looking for & what I get w/AppleCare. Can't saw that about other companies. Plus, they don't keep you on hold or have strong accents that are hard for me to understand as I am hard of hearing a bit!!!

Wonderful!

But Good Luck w/all your endeavors! It just seemed you are frustrated a lot but maybe I am not getting the "feel" of your posts right...

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again.
FAIL BETTER!~Samuel Beckett


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9/30/12 6:17 P

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Larissa--i can totally understand if u have to go to Jacksonville. You should be there for your mom. How long was she her mother in law. I know the dynamics on that side are a little askew, right? If she got u SParked, u should pay your respects too cuz obviously her wisdom touched u somehow. I hope the process of getting her home and comfortable is swift and the final days (moments) are peaceful until she passes. I hope her family and friends are able to surround her at this time. I'll say a prayer for you. I know she wasn't direct family to you, but she touched you. I can tell. I say go, be with them.

Seattle--congrats on the 5k and enjoy the energy while u have it. I can't tolerate trazadone at all. 25mg to me is like taking a piece of candy. I got up to 200mg and still nothing. I finally got off it. I am now doing 6mg of Melatonin alternating with 15mg of Mirtazapine. So far so good on my sleep.

Kim--I hope all your decorations turn out lovely and I really hope you find your fu--in cards It must be driving u crazy cuz I can feel the madness it's causing me just to think about it! Best of luck and IDK why, but I really want to be kept updated on this quest of yours!

emoticon Time for a cigarette...I'm trying to cut back but Julios gone so I'm gonna go smoke...Hehehe...

A women's clothes should fit tightly enough to show that she is a woman but loosely enough to show that she is a lady--Marilyn Monroe


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ACK - still sitting here. OK .. posting this and promptly getting up without checking for new email.

in the family we have 1 android phone (mine), 2 iPhone 3S (dad & sis), 1 iPhone 4 (mom), one Neon II (nephew), and 1 iPad (mine). the newest device was purchased at least 6-9 months ago or even longer ago. We don't have any problem with the devices themselves.. just with the stupid iOS update to version 6.. it did funny things to the free Google Calendar sync. ... AppleCare or anything else I'd have to pay for isn't worth it to me b/c i usually know more than the tech. I'm assuming there is an Apple store in Columbus but that's over an hour drive one-way. We have an AT&T store in Athens which is 20 minutes away but they usually don't know how to support anything. and since it's just software they probably really don't know.

there isn't a craft store in this area .. well there probably are tiny mom & pop shops. the initial idea was to have something easy and ready to scribble a note on and mail.. without having to handwrite or type a long letter. and she'd have the pretty or funny postcard pictures. i didn't realize it was going to be this much hassle. but i don't think i can return the stamps.

thankfully the town's trick or treat is done in other areas... this complex collects candy and pre-makes bags to hand out so no knocking on doors. i just really like Halloween decorations and lights. I'm just way slower at putting them up than I used to be.

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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9/30/12 6:00 P

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well good grief where did the time go ... guess i should stop reading/writing responses and go finish the decorations (we left the lights on the ground earlier). I'll try to take some pictures when I'm done... and figure out some place to post them.

i managed to eat some mac n cheese so i could take my 3rd dose of penicillin and pain killer. i don't think i ever realized how much sodium was in there. and the nutrition info is all wacky. figuring out the serving is ridiculous. i have enough trouble with basic math .. don't need a stupid box confusing me. and i never put in milk or margarine like the directions indicate to do ... and if i do use milk it's fat free Lactaid. water is sufficient. i learned that back as a college sophomore and was living in a dorm that had kitchen area. couldn't afford milk or butter. not to mention public refrigerator .. and lactose intolerant.

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9/30/12 5:55 P

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Kimberly: This was a problem with my iPad calendar not syncing (well, messing up my iPad calendar it seemed when it was syncing). Whatever, my iPad calendar kept getting messed up so I called AppleCare (so yes, it is free where I purchased my iPad for the 1st 3 mos. & then I think I paid $75-$85 for a year's tech support after that expired).

FOR ME, it is a life-saver as I don't have time to "troubleshoot" forever; there are so many variables & I have found the Apple support over the phone EXCELLENT.

So yours is an iPhone, I believe. Also, the iPad, at least, you can get FREE TECH SUPPORT if you go to the Apple Store & talk to one of their "Geniuses"--yes, that is what they call themselves down there. Where I am they don't normally take appts. for the free tech support at the Apple Store over the phone (you sign in once you arrive & then browse & probably get "technical device envy" they are hoping so you'll buy the newest, greatest device), but since I have such physical problems walking & standing I talked to the manager & he allowed me to make an appt. as I said I couldn't come down there, walk all the way from the parking lot to the store (in a mall so quite a distance even w/handicapped parking permit), then have to wait a long time for an appt. as my pain level would be increasing from just the trip to the store.

So I guess I pulled out the "disabled card", but it worked. I DO have a handicapped parking thing for my car so I guess I can claim "disability"--just hope it isn't permanent. Right now doc has it expire Jan. 2013. 2013 will be my year of good physical health (& hopefully, mental health will follow)!

Kimberly: All the time, effort & frustration you have expended on this post card business I have a suggestion!! Just go to Michael's or Joanne's or an artist's supply store (love those stores; hoping by being around paint brushes will help me become more creative?) & get some basic art supplies or those stamps people use to make their own greeting cards, get the on-sale card stock paper, cut them to the correct size & use your imagination to design what you actually want & stop this endless searching! You are getting so frustrated & you might find it a nice way to express your creativity.

Your decorating sounds endless to me! I put out a pumpkin on the front porch, buy candy that is not one of my favorites on Halloween (I assume that is what you are decorating for!), turn on the porch light & my husband & I have such fun talking to the kids in their costumes! They are so cute & it is such fun to see such a happy occasion for children & wave to their parents standing on the curb. We have a large # of children in our neighborhood, but I do believe the word has gotten out that we give out a lot of candy or something as I swear they are busing children (& some not so young "children" in).

Some times I have to send my husband on emergency candy-buying trips!

Our community does have trick or treating "hours", though, so that is good. There is only a 3-hour amount of time for handing out candy (usually 5:00-8:00). Yes, we live in a VERY wholesome community in the Midwest--quite different from the San Francisco Bay Area where we are from where you felt like you needed to be armed from the looks of some of the hoodlums in their "costumes" that looked more like a bank robbers-in-training w/a get-away car idling at the curb!

Courtney: Thanks for the "thanks", but it is a real problem of mine (talked to my therapist about this last session) that I am very good at "dishing" out rational, well-researched & coherent (well, that might be a stretch) advice to help people, but do I follow my own advice?? NO. If I did half of the stuff that I give as suggestions to be helpful to others who post problems, I'd be someone to emulate, rather than someone to pity.

Like my husband says if I spend the amount of time organizing my crap & my life (trying to downsize for when he retires; he's given me a 2-year warning!) instead of READING books about organizing or web sites (I know the best ones!) then the job would be done! Instead I read about what I want to be/do/accomplish, etc. NOT GOOD!

Seattle: YEAH!! Good for you on mini marathon (or not quite sure how long "race" was) & you are too "chatty"--got to be kidding me! I am the motor mouth one. I think I use it as a procrastination thing.

I actually did set my alarm on my phone so that I will get off now instead of going on forever like I normally do.

Dinner cooking in crock pot; did a bunch of dishes & scrubbed down kitchen, but need to balance checkbook & tackle the paper work for my mail-order medications (which my husband says looks like a full-time job). It is so hard to keep track of all the meds & when to call for refills so I can try to time it so I am home for the ones that I have to sign for (controlled substances) & not on a trip.

All have different renew dates & some can get only 2 renews w/out a new script (so need to plan to call provider & allow time for her to mail script to me so that I can fill out form & mail to mail-order pharmacy & for them to take the 10 days or whatever to get the pills delivered to me) & some I can get a full year's worth of renewals (90-day supply & then call in for renewals). It is VERY COMPLICATED!!!!!

And I do procrastinate doing it. I have a spread sheet on my laptop of all my meds so if there are any questions I have the info. of the last "fill": date, how many pills, how many refills left, when it can be called in to refill again...

SO time to get to the checkbook & the meds...

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again.
FAIL BETTER!~Samuel Beckett


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9/30/12 4:05 P

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i went to the pharmacy/store and got their last candy corn light set and last 3 packages of Command Strip small hooks.. and 2 bottles V8 juice. I figure if I can't eat my nutrients I can try drinking some.

holy boiling sun! we were trying to finish outside decorations and the sun is freaking HOT today. and little to no wind. we'll try again later when the sun should be shielded by the giant trees... or dusk.

not to mention the sweat bees and yellow jackets and giant grasshoppers and spiders .. OH MY ...i was a spastic fool. i don't want to ever have to use my EpiPen.

YAY larissa for choosing the healthier version of wings :-) I've been wanting some lately but it was too fussy to try to find the ones in the freezer case that matched my coupon.. so i didn't try. sigh.

i don't know if i've mentioned on here before or not .. about a year and a half ago I bought a NuWave Oven from the informercial. OMG It's like my best purchase ever. I mainly use it for frozen stuff (lean pockets & chicken & pizza rolls .. although I've almost cut those out of my food selections) .. it's way tastier than in the microwave but just as fast. 10 min for a lean pocket .. 7 for pizza rolls .. basically about the microwave timing but tastes like it came from the oven. and you don't have to heat up an oven or get the kitchen too hot. really neat part is cooking a frozen roast in like an hour without thawing. there's tons of recipes and whatnot but i tend to not venture into cooking territory. anyways .. i paid full price for mine on a 3 payment plan. was totally worth it. but i know some are for sale cheap on Craigslist and Facebook buy/sell/trade groups. THere's a similar version sold on QVC .. i think even some version is in Walmart now .. like in the As Seen On TV section.

for some reason typing that out made me think that i should buy some more fish .. like salmon or something. i really like fish but i never knew how to fix it. and i usually don't remember it when i'm in the store. or it seems daunting trying to ask the seafood or butcher people for something.


i kinda hate the usual "so sorry for that situation" phrases people say when they don't know what else to say. i'm referring to your mom's mother in law situation. is she in pain during all that? i'm guessing she's not on a breathing machine.. at least not yet? or they gonna try to set one up at home. seems a lot of fuss. hopefully she'll make it home and go peacefully and keep her dignity.

and just a guess here .. but a phone call probably means more to your stepdad than a card or anything else you'd have to spend money on.


WAY TO GO seattle... i think i'm tired just hearing about the 5K .. LOL.

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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9/30/12 3:08 P

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Hey everyone! I ran my 5k yesterday. I was actually about 2.8 miles but that's okay. It was a very small event and not timed at all. It was also a trail run with plenty of steep hills up and down. I did HIIT intervals the day before and my legs weren't having the hills, lol. Still a fun event, I'm a little sore today but not too bad.

I've narrowed down my tiredness and fatigued muscle problem to two things. One, a possible vitamin deficiency, and two mixing melatonin with trazodone. I don't know which is the culprit because I stopped taking the melatonin and started remember my mulit vitamin at the same time. I was taking a time release melatonin and only 25mg of trazodone. Went back to my original regimen of just 50mg of trazodone a night. I'm falling asleep okay for the most part. I have a music video favored on youtube that is supposed to help you fall asleep. I put in an earphone and listen to that and it's worked every time so far. My energy is back, my muscles feel normal, and I'm not sleepy so whatever the problem was I'm going to keep on with what I'm doing.

Yesterday after my race I went grocery shopping and when I got home I got frustrated with my cupboards so I completely cleaned and reorganized and threw away quite a bit of stuff. My husband asked what got me so motivated to do that all of a sudden. I couldn't explain it other than I just wanted to get it done. I don't know, maybe my medications are just right, exercise is helping, and meditation is doing me good. I just know I love feeling this way, it's like this is how I'm supposed to be. Anyway, I think I've gone on too long, lol. Sorry about that. Guess I'm feeling chatty today.

Working on a healthier, happier me.


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9/30/12 2:36 P

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Kimberly, as for your question it's hard for me to think of a time when I wasn't feeling bad. I had a bad childhood and always felt left out... I know in high school I had a year or so when I didn't feel too bad, but other than that I have been depressed. I remember even as a kid I would get depressed for no reason.

I'm at Geo's dad's house watching football. Everyone is yelling at the tv and I'm sitting here on my laptop. I'm watching it every now and then. I'm probably going to be here for a while, so that's why I brought my laptop. We are also supposed to get our car fixed today... Geo's dad is an airline mechanic who knows cars as well.

I did manage to lose a pound this week.. I only had fast food a couple of times. It's hard for me to say no to it, but I've been doing better. I'm really trying to stay good and lose weight... I did get wings at the store, but I baked them and they only had 9 grams of fat.

My mom's mother in law is dying. They will be surprised if she makes it to Tuesday. She has internal bleeding and can barely breathe. Joy (the mother in law) is just waiting to be home from the hospital so she can die at home. She should be going home tomorrow. I might go up to Jacksonville to be there for my mom. She is close to her, and I like Joy as well. I will miss her. She had so much spunk and was brutally honest. She was the one who sparked me to lose weight.

It's also my stepdad's birthday today... I don't have money to give him a gift, but I will call him later. he's in LA and I'm in Miami, so there's no way I can see him today. But I can call. I might stop by the store later on and get him a card.

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"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all" Whitney Houston


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9/30/12 2:06 P

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Wow Just2...You have some awesome ideas! I also was diagnosed with overactive bladder about 2 years ago (I kept leaking) and they tried me on Detrol and it was the WORST thing I've ever been on. I couldn't pee at all! I'd get the urge and I couldn't go! It was awful. Almost scary. I had to get off that right away. It turned out that I had a UTI after all and not a bladder problem..thank goodness. I'll never forget that med, though...Lol. Oh, and I can't believe u wrote that in 8th grade! That's so bad...

Welcome back, Lucinda my dear emoticon I'm sorry things aren't going well right now. I agree with Kim..one day at a time. You are an amazing lady..Keep that in mind. Please keep your head up and stay positive. I know it's tough but we're all here for you. I know I was going through my "funk" a couple days ago and u all were there for me so, I'm here if u wanna vent...things will get better.

A women's clothes should fit tightly enough to show that she is a woman but loosely enough to show that she is a lady--Marilyn Monroe


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9/30/12 1:57 P

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i started with the post office. they really are just plain cardstock with a tree picture where the stamp goes. BORING. i bought 20 postcard stamps (hawaiian print shirts) thinking i could find postcards somewhere but now it's turning ugly. i am looking for ones that have a comedic or whimsical or artistic full card graphic on one-side and you write on the other side. I mentioned earlier .. i will probably end up cutting thank you notes or whatever... and hope they're the right thickness. i don't want landscape or beach or bridge or monument whatever touristy stuff.

which tech support did you call? Google doesn't seem to have any numbers published b/c they're a free service (what i use anyways). and i figure AT&T is going to be useless as usual. i don't pay for Apple Care. there really isn't android support anywhere and they try to shove you off to your phone manufacturer. and i spent over 4 hours searching online for answers. found lots of threads complaining of the problems but no solutions. some of those threads go back to 2009. and the iOS problems just started with the upgrade to iOS6. none of the devices sync to a computer anymore. it's all cloud sync. i have a ton more details from the troubleshooting i've done.. i wrote it all up on my Facebook.. but no one seems to have any answers.


ok ok so yes i chuckled at the title of your short story.

i think i narrowed down several of my recent symptoms to the glycopyrrolate medicine the neurologist had given me to help control the excessive sweating i've had for years. it was nice to not be soaked when i'm out and about ... but the higher body temp, the overheating, the heat exhaustion, the clammy, dizzy, nausea, constant trips to the bathroom, excessive thirst, over active saliva, headaches . i think there were more that i can't remember now .. but all that awfulness isn't worth it. i already drink like 12-20 glasses of water/fluids a day ... i don't need more. .. she's the doctor out of the country for a couple more days. i see her Thursday.

ok i've been sitting here way too long... time to do actual stuff... i think i'm going to go to the store to get some V8 juice. i need more nutrients and can't really eat solids. .. see if i can spot my nephew somewhere in town to come help with the decorations .. although i'm almost done with them now. might not need him.

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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9/30/12 1:31 P

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Courtney: Wonderful person to "adopt" cat & pets do help improve depression so double good. Also, crying can be therapeutic. And it sounds like you cried "appropriately"--you had some sad thoughts & cried, but you didn't dwell on them or make them worse (feed them w/everything depressive you could think of as I used to do so once I started to cry I couldn't stop until I exhausted myself--literally).

Over-active Bladder: Have that & it does take your life away!

Tried Deterol (think spelling is OK), but it didn't work.

Then got on Vesicare & I swear it has changed my life!! I take 10 mg every morning & have for 15 years; tried to lower dosage or stop & oops--came right back!

Don't need to dehydrate myself & look for bathrooms all the time & there are some awful public bathrooms! And even have had to stop & pee on the side of the road several times--humiliating!

So do check out the different medications--life-changing!!

You can drink all the water you want!!

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again.
FAIL BETTER!~Samuel Beckett


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9/30/12 1:28 P

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sorry Courtney .. didn't mean to cause ill will. was just one of those stupid questions my brain comes up with ... and how far back to i have to try to remember.

i saw a headline earlier that suicide now takes more lives than car accidents. WOW. but uhm.. look at all the odds we've fought against and aren't one of those statistics... yeah, that kind of talk never helps me. btw, i'm not suicidal today.. just saw the headline. sometimes i feel lost in trying to get stable and recover.. i don't think i'll reach recovery ... but maybe stable. ... blargh .. beginning to sound like "Deep Thoughts" from SNL or something

i haven't been to greetingcards123 - i'll check it out. i can't do the ecards b/c where she's at they don't get computers (as far as I know).

i feed my cat dry food - i fill her bowl whenever it's empty and just leave it out. and the past year.. i give about 1/4 of a can of wet food every morning. she's getting spoiled and greedy though. usually whines for some in the evening too.. or almost every time i'm in the kitchen. and she's started to not eat the dry food. i actually gave a bag and a half away a couple of weeks ago bc she wasn't eating it at all. i guess it's time to find a different brand.

welcome back Lucinda ... start small.. try to find 3 positive things .. either in your day or about you or about others .. or all of the above

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9/30/12 1:20 P

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If you are looking for just plain postcards, I have purchased pre-stamped postcards cheaply at the post office (what a concept). Or do it on-line at www.usps.com (United States Postal Service). You can also buy heavy card-stock paper at Staples or Office Depot (I just bought some on sale--500 sheets of heavy card-stock paper for 2 bucks each in lavender, pale yellow & light green--guess people didn't like those colors!).

Then get the correct measurements from the post office web site, cut the paper into post cards, get a bunch of (cheaper than regular) post card stamps & there you go! You can even go into Kinko's (may have changed the name of that place) & use their cutting table for free where you can cut many sheets at the same time in a very straight edge & a lot easier than scissors (I'm always looking for ways to save my hands from being overworked!).

Do join their frequent "flier" club at Staples & Office Depot as you do get discounts even more than regular people (you are a VIP--hate all those cards, but also hate spending more money than I have to) & get checks sent to you (at least I have from Office Dept; just joined Staples) after you have spent a certain amount of money--plus, on-line discounts sent to you.

I don't know if you are looking for a certain kind of post card, but I see them all the time at gas station "stores"--those mini marts--for 25 cents each. I'd rather make my own w/some heavy card-stock paper for much cheaper or buy the pre-stamped ones at the post office.

Also, a friend cuts up Xmas cards (could do bday cards, etc.) & then uses that as a post card to send out at holiday time. It has a pretty holiday picture & then she just addresses it, puts a stamps on it & writes a short message.

Having problems w/your Google calendar & iPhone or iPad--synching correctly,etc.? I called the tech support as my calendar on iPad was messing up & I NEED it to be correct as I have so many medical appts. & the tech support said just quit trying. Sometimes the synching w/your laptop or pc causes problems.

I told him it was upsetting that a function that it is supposed to do (sync w/your Google calendar on laptop so you can enter appts. on laptop or iPhone or iPad) but what the hell, I need to have it correct; I carry my iPad w/me so turned OFF that function in my settings & it is all saved on i Cloud, anyway. I am getting more & more dependent on my iPad, anyway, as it travels everywhere w/me so it wasn't that big of a deal.

I also keep my calendar on Eastern time zone as I travel a lot & the iPad will change the appt. times to match what time zone you are in (that was driving me crazy--crazier--until I realized what was happening). I need the appts. to always be on Eastern time as I often make appts. while traveling.

If I make an appt. on another time zone I just put it on "All Day" & then write the time in the body of the description like "Dinner at Jack's @ 6:30." So I have the time info. on the calendar but it isn't set as you would an actual time...

Yes, Lamictal & Neurotin are both anti-seizure medications that are often used to try to diminish nerve pain. And both (though Lamictal more often, I believe) is used for bipolar, as well.

Glad the "self soothing" ideas helped. In DBT we were supposed to figure out how to self soothe using all the senses so I realized I didn't really use my senses very much!! Common sense, as well, my husband would tell you (calls me "Lucy" as in Lucy Ricardo sometimes when I try to explain my convoluted answers to a problem! He just says I'm "very creative" rather than irrational!!). He is a scientist so you can imagine how my "creative" ways of thinking are interesting, humorous sometimes, scary sometimes, but totally FOREIGN to him!

Anyway--ideas I figured out for self soothing. On my phone I have a video of a beautiful creek we hike down to (when I could hike) in AZ that has the SOUND of the water trickling over the rocks & the VISUAL of the beautiful (large) creek w/rocks, plants, etc. surrounding it. I also have photos of my children that immediately make me smile.

Courtney: Stop beating yourself up over things you cannot change. The past is the past (It is what it is--my husband says & I hate when he says it, but he is correct). You did the best you could under the circumstances at the time & I bet, as others have stated, your daughter when she is older & more mature will look back & think, "My mother loved me so much that she wanted me to have proper care & she was unable to do so at the time due to her illness. My mother didn't selfishly keep me in her home when she couldn't properly mother me. She didn't think about what others might think of her (oh, bad mother to "give your child up" to another to raise)."

I tell you, I should have been put in foster care as a child. My mother was so ill & my father so absent (physically & due to alcohol abuse). I WISH someone had taken me out of that chaotic & scary home. I WISH you had been my mother & did what was best for me. Now, the best thing you can do for your daughter is to get well & healthy so that when you do reconnect, it will be a wonderful experience & not fraught w/all sorts of issues!

You will be a mature, loving mother & she will be a mature young lady who will understand that you thought of HER FIRST. Your own mother may be a problem, it sounds like, so it might be worthwhile to look around for a pro bono lawyer to help you out (w/your Medicare stuff, too). In my state I just go to in.gov (Indiana) & there you can search for pro bono lawyers who specialize is advocacy for the "disabled" as you would be considered; the people who have low-income; etc. Even the Civil Liberties Union may help you.

Write down concisely what all the issues are so when you call you can speak in a coherent way & cover all the points. I don't know about you, but when I get anxious as such a phone call would make me (am going to be making one myself on Monday to see if I can get assistance about the physical therapist report), I tend to ramble (Who me? Ramble? Surprising, but true!).

I hate how the endless forms for those w/"disabilities" are required to fill out & all the hoops you need to jump through. Geeze, if I could do all this paperwork, etc. I would get a job handling complicated forms, etc.!!

For TOUCH & SMELLING I use a really nice oil on my hands before I put on my 2 pairs of white cotton gloves at night (& mittens & then garden gloves!) so that has the sensation of a soothing oil on my hands & I rub some on my neck so I can smell it, also.

I also go to a hairdresser who gives a wonderful scalp massage w/a wonderful smelling shampoo & conditioner (have told her I love it so she spends extra time doing it; have even said it is like a double dose of Xanax & a glass of wine & maybe I'm not able to drive home as intoxicated by the relaxation of it! She also has a very comfortable reclining chair where my feet can be put up--oh, I want to go back today!).

SOUNDS--some music, but not too much. Music moves me too much emotionally. I CRY often when listening to powerful music but sometimes peppy music can lead to a change in energy & mood.

Another sense is my BODY. I hate my body & how it has "turned on me"; I didn't have anything to do w/it, of course!! Sarcasm, there! But therapist recommended yoga or Pilates. But those hurt my back so I found slow stretching exercises are really good. At first it was so hard to do (waste of time; should be doing something productive), but after awhile I realized it feels good to slowly stretch my body & I am getting a DVD of that (Is it Chinese--have it written down) slow-paced exercise routines that is very fluid they do in the parks in San Francisco. I think that will really help w/my balance. Also, exercise ball (one of those big ones you can lie on & drape yourself over) is very nice for me...

The SLOW STRETCHING is soothing--not a frenetic trying to burn calories, but to feel my body in a nice way--not punish it! Make it feel good! Something I never really did & took some time to be able to do (allow myself to take the time; same thing w/mindfulness & breathing techniques--but they work!!). Keep at it. You are worth having some down time & enjoying your body & slowing your body & mind down.

Also, the warmth & sensation of sunshine. Must be from being a Calif. native. In winter here doc recommended a full-spectrum light to help keep away SAD. It does work for me, but discuss w/your doc as it can trigger mania in some people.

So think of your senses & get creative if you are not used to actually feeling things (as I was). I spent ALL my time in my HEAD!! Not very soothing in there!

Then there is also TASTE. What is a soothing taste that doesn't trigger a binge (if you are a binge or over-eater)? Tip for me is to eat mindfully. Slowly & really taste the food; like one of those excellent small chocolate truffles you buy in a fancy shop for a dollar or two. One eaten slowly is very soothing & is ENOUGH. Instead of spending 4 bucks on a quart of low quality ice cream I scarf down, hardly taste as it doesn't taste that great, & am only feeling the cold sensation on my tongue & then later the sick sensation in my stomach & guilt sensation in my brain!

What are some of your ideas for self soothing? We can brain storm!

As far as remembering when life didn't hurt? No, can't remember that ever--except when I was on Lithium for about 3 mos. But it didn't agree w/my kidneys as had to get off it. Haven't felt as good as that ever--before or since.. (except maybe while on cocaine)!!

I started writing a book in the 6th grade titled : Youths Are contemplating Suicide & wrote down all the methods I could think of!

In 8th grade wrote a "short story" in English class about my mother committing suicide w/vacuum cleaner hose & car (don't need to give the complete details) & describing my finding her body. I guess I wrote it pretty well as teacher pulled me aside after class to express her condolences about my mother's death.

My mother wasn't dead (yet) & had never used that method to attempt suicide. But you know what I titled my short story? EXHAUSTED FROM DRIVING

Ha Ha--suicide is so funny!


Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again.
FAIL BETTER!~Samuel Beckett


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9/30/12 1:08 P

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Hi all! I haven't been able to be on for 2 days and I really missed you. Not much has been going on with me just lost my SPark and have gained back almost all of my weight will correct the tracker when I get my scale batteries. I just feel hungry all the time part of it is the cooler weather and the other is stress. I thought I had it all under control and was losing weight and inches! Friday went to the Urologist and got samples of a mew med to see if it helps the situation and scared to drink anything and go somewhere. Yesterday was a Home game (football) for my Grandson and I got to watch him play the whole game and they went into 5th quarter overtime because they were tied! They won 12-6 it was a very exciting game! My car had sat for 2 days and when I tried to use it had the same trouble with the transmission! After I got it running it ran smoothly. Then I sat with my Granddaughter for 6 hrs while my Daughter moved everything to the new house. I worry because the rent is so hi and the boyfriend so-signed the lease with her. If they break up she can't afford it by herself and it will be complicated. I know don't worry about it till it happens less stress. I just feel so hopeless right now about my life. I've been thinking about what I have achieved and looked at my bleak future and am going into a depression. I know I should look into different activities and start to spread out my interest but use my schedule as an excuse I just don't have the extra energy to expand right now. Yesterday my Dad told me I was a very negative person. I didn't realize I had become completely that way and it makes me try to look at everything I say before I say it. Old habits die hard! I'm sorry I haven't posted about the last 2 days but I did read all of your post so I would know what's going on. I'm there for you and if you want to talk further come to my SparkPage or e-mail me if you want it a private conversation. I need to go to the rest of the post see ya on the threads! Take care, Lucinda

I will do my best to meet and surpass my goal. Never stop learning or trying to achieve success. Never give up keep plugging away. If it is to be it's up to me. .


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9/30/12 12:42 P

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Kim--

That was a great question that u posed about those days feeling "good"...I really had to think about it. That's not a good sign. I think I would have to go back to my early teen years. I didn't feel safe until my parents divorced (age 12) and then I felt pretty "normal" until I hit 17. Had never tried drugs, didn't drink, excelled in school, had some signs of mania (but I enjoyed the energy--put it all into school) but I chalked it all up to being a teenager. Looking back at that stage, it was def classic bipolar mania and I was later diagnosed that year. Yeah, so from about 12.5-17 were the best years. Some odd behaviors but nothing too bad to note.

After I thought about it and ruminated on my answer and remembered those days, I cried. Yeah, thanks, Kim...Lol. JK..it really was a great question. I cried for what I lost by not taking care of myself and just doing what I was supposed to do. For not doing what I should have done. My life would have been SO much different.

Instead, I'm just a statistic. One of the 50percent of bipolar peeps that self-medicate and make matters worse. Yep, look at me now.

Ok, enough of that. Have u checked out greetingcards123.com? IDK if that has anything that u may be looking for but I have used it to send eCards. Maybe you've already tried it,,but I figured I'd offer my 2cents.

I got the cellphone and it's all set to go to my daughter. I'm kinda stuck with it now so I'm gonna just give it to her along with some gift cards for her birthday. You are right too about her being a teenager and all the hormones and crap. I remember those days all too well. I guess I'm just gonna deal with whatever bit of "anything" she gives me. I know i can't keep beating myself up over it and dwelling on it. I'll drive myself crazy and that's not good for anyone. So, that's that.

The weather is so yucky here today. Pouring and miserable. I've decided to adopt the neighbors cat. They let her out in ALL types of weather and she always ends up over here. We feed her and now she's begun scratching on our door to come in. That's new. She used to just sit on our porch and wait for us to acknowledge her. Now, she's making herself known. I never see her anywhere but outside. The neighbors son is friends with Iverson and he doesn't even acknowldge "spideygirl" (the cat) when she's in our house so I told him that we're just gonna keep her cuz she's here all the time anyway. He just shrugged it off so I guess we have a cat. Yay...she's a cutie too. SHe's gray with white paws and white around the mouth. She purrs so loudly and loves to be pet. She does love it outside though and is a bit skittish inside but she is becoming more and more comfortable. Loves cuddling with Julio. Loves rolling on the carpet.

What's the best thing to feed a cat besides cat food? Is chicken good for them? I have to talk to our neighbor and find out more about her. This is all new. I haven't even told her I'm keepingher. I think she thinks I already have her. Lol...I can't even remember the last time spidey girl was in her yard. Anyway, what's funny is that growing up I was allergic to cat fur. I guess I grew out of it or I'm just not allergic to her fur. Hmmm...so that's good.

So, all is well over here. Hope all is going good with u guys! Talk to u all soon! Courtney

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A women's clothes should fit tightly enough to show that she is a woman but loosely enough to show that she is a lady--Marilyn Monroe


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9/30/12 11:47 A

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silly question: can anyone remember life from when they didn't hurt, weren't upset/angry/manic/depressed, weren't drunk/drugged/hungover, actually got quality & restful sleep, woke up refreshed & excited for the day. for me it's getting harder and more elusive to remember such days. especially the sleep/refreshed part.. i think i would have to think back to teenage years.

i guess i'm doing ok today. actually better than expected. i slept later than normal and would have slept some more if it hadn't been for my bladder. still took some time to shake out the cobwebs.

will try to finish the decorations today. almost done.



COURTNEY - LOL glad you found bagels.

i always thought the SAD was brought on by the dark & gloomy & gray skies .. not getting any sunshine. being stuck indoors b/c of the weather... i know i definitely don't feel ok when it's like that.

how did the cell phone situation turn out?

adding on to what FLORIDAFAIRY said ... you never know what may happen in a few years. right now your daughter is a teenager and in a completely different environment (it sounds like) than what you grew up in. teenagers tend to be awkward and trying to fit in socially and have extra-curricular activities and be popular.. feel safe. not to mention all the crazy body and hormone changes and rebelling against authority. She may not be able to deal with the family situation mentally yet. And who knows what if anything your mom is saying to her about you... if the subject even comes up. i'd say just keep in touch as best as you can. who knows what will come of it after she's 18.



LARISSA - anytizers buffalo wings are really good. they're in the freezer section. i hate fighting with the bone and burning my fingers so i get the boneless.


FLORIDAFAIRY - yesterday i think i spent over 3 hours looking for postcards online. some places sell them but they're either travel/touristy things or to make your own or to customize ones they offer or to get 8 of the same design or over $1 apiece not to mention shipping. i think i'm going to call a few stores in Lancaster and ask if they sell any... i'll be in that city on Tues. otherwise i'm going to buy regular thankyou notes or whatever and cut them in half. i got the minimum/maximum measurements off the USPS site.


How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


BECAUSE I CAN


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9/30/12 10:08 A

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Thank u, Ruthie, you are absolutely right regarding my situation! You hit the nail on the head. There was no better solution at the time than to send her to PA..I need to stop being selfish and remember that. I havet o work with what she gives me.

A women's clothes should fit tightly enough to show that she is a woman but loosely enough to show that she is a lady--Marilyn Monroe


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9/30/12 9:31 A

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Courtney - glad to hear you are doing better. I like your take on life, it is a healthy one. People don't change unless they want to, can't do a thing about it so you might as well learn to live with it. Sad and difficult though. I sent my son up to NY when he was 13 and he lived there for 5 years and then went into the Army. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do but now in retrospect realize it was the only solution that made sense. He was rebelling against me and I couldn't control him or keep him out of trouble. He has even told me not to blame myself or feel guilty because it was the only answer to my problem with him. It all worked out in the end and now he loves me more than anything and even has me live with him so he knows I am okay. So, you never know how things will turn out. You may be surprised one day. If you were as messed up as you indicate at that time, maybe it really was the only "good" solution for your daughter. If it meant her safety and well being at the time, it is worth the pain you suffer right now in the relationship. It is tough, I know, but you did what you felt was for her best interest. Don't beat yourself up about it. It is sad and hard, but try to look at the reality. What if you didn't straighten yourself out - what kind of life would your daughter have had then? How would that have affected her future? It is too bad your mom won't let you have more time with your daughter, but rationalizing the past situation for what it is may help you feel somewhat better. It is just too bad your mom is treating you without trust or understanding, but alot of times life is like that. Hugs to you - I understand your pain. Glad to hear you are doing better now.

Larissa - for the sake of your budget, hang in there and don't give in to your craving for eating out. I know it is hard, but be real with your monies. One thing that helps me is to know how it feels to have run out of money and the desperate situation it puts you in. Spending your nest egg is a thing to stay away from too. Could you put the money in someone else's care that you trust to hold it for you, so you can't spend it needlessly? That is what I have done. Hope this helps.

Kim - I had some trouble with the site last night too. Finally gave up and went to bed to read my book. Have you tried looking on the internet for the post cards? That might yield results. But you are right - they are a rarety these days. Maybe walmart?

Everyone else, have a great day!

I am doing good this morning. Off to walk the dog in a little while and then my sister and I are going to the beach. One more day to have her here, then she goes home. I have to decide whether or not to talk to my son about our situation. But I really don't want to........ If he really wanted me to leave he is the type to say so really...... so, why rock the boat? Our living situation is a win-win for both of us, so I probably shouldn't be fussing or worrying about it. Well, more later maybe............

Just Do It!


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9/30/12 8:26 A

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I understand your biological child issues. I had a son then never got pregnant for years. I work in a school now so I have 100s of kidsin a way

Namaste,
India


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9/30/12 3:26 A

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Good morning all--

I'm up early today but (again) that's ok cuz I went to bed early. I couldn't sleep anymore and Julio was taking all the covers and snoring so I said forget it (not that nicely) and got up. Feeling pretty good. Found a stash of bagels in the freezer! Yay--and I have my veggie cream cheese so all is right with the world! I figure I'll eat, watch a little TV and maybe doze in the recliner.

Oh, Kim, it's NOT you, the site was screwy. I tried to log on around 10 and I couldn't get on. Tried twice and said site not available...I thought I wore my puter out by being on site so much..Lol. I guess not. I guess it was the site after all.

Well, I'm feeling better. Got the medicare thing straightened out. I have part D coverage so that's a start. Still have copays and a premium every month but atleast I have coverage which was my fear I wouldn't have it. Mom is supposed to help with those costs. Medicare starts getting deducted on Wed. Yikes... emoticon

As far as family issues go, I'm going to have to come to terms with my family is who they are. I am never going to have another biological child. She is all I have. I have to do with all I can. I will never have that strong mother daughter bond I should have. I will take whatever I can get. I won't rehash everything here. I don't wanna bore u guys...Family is who they are and u can't change em. Especially when they're 68 years old and set in their ways like my mom. Letting my daughter go to PA with her in 2005 was the biggest mistake I ever made. I had no idea life would turn out this way. I will not be seeing her on her 13th birthday. Mom saw to that one. I mean, am I evil? Do I have some sort of evil power where I could do damage to this child? I don't get it...why won't she let her be around me except for a few weeks at summer and a week at xmas...she knows my car won't make it there and to fly is WAY too expensive. Oh, IDK...again,not gonna rehash...sorry. Gonna pause for a minute to regroup and get my bagel...

Ok, anyway,...

I was telling a friend yesterday that this time of year is tough for me. I get very emotional and tend to obsess. IDK why, I just do. So, my moods may be a bit off. Chalk it up to the season. Is that what they call SAD? Just curious. Never diagnosed but just wondering...

I know that other peeps have other serious stuff going on and my heart goes out...

Rissa--I'm here for u too. If u wanna talk, I'm on today. (as opposed to off yesterday,,,get it??)

Anybody, if u wanna vent or chat, whatever, don't hesitate to look me up. As u know, I'm alot so drop by my page or sparkmail me. I am a good listener...Just puttin it out there...

Well, I'm sure I'll have more later...Courtney emoticon

A women's clothes should fit tightly enough to show that she is a woman but loosely enough to show that she is a lady--Marilyn Monroe


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9/29/12 11:03 P

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anyone else having trouble with this site? i can't tell if it's just SparkPeople that's slow .. or just this forum .. or Chrome .. or my DSL .. or my computer. argh! regular troubleshooting isn't helping and i don't want to reboot the router just yet. (edit: apparently the site was down for at least a half hour probably more .. seems ok now)

i spent hours this morning endlessly searching for postcards. they're apparently difficult to find nowadays .. unless i want to pay $2 per card .. and i don't want to make my own. will think on it more tomorrow. then i spent several fruitless hours trying to solve stupid Google Calendar & iPhone & Android issues. needless to say I was very ticked off and frustrated.

so... i forced myself to stop looking and i put up more decorations this afternoon. couldn't get ahold of my nephew to help. my shoulders & back were sore from stringing lights. mom helped me get packages open. we had like 1 or 2 strands left to go to get to the power source. needed to fasten them above the doors. she got a chair to stand on (against my wishes) and i don't know whether her knees gave out while trying to step up onto it .. or if the chair tilted or what .. but she kind of crumpled backwards towards me clinging to the chair. i was trying to catch her to ease her to the ground. scary!! she says she's ok. maybe have a scrape or bruise on her leg.. i felt so guilty. i refused to let her try a 2nd time. still got one wall of lights to do. and do some adjustments. that is if i can even move tomorrow. i was out there for like 6 hours.

MOMYSHAVER: i agree with you that a lot of ppl don't know how to help with or manage mental illness. as many ppl around this area that are dx with something you'd think it'd be more smooth. but i think it's just the facility and treatment ppl where i go .... i feel that even my counselor doesn't get it .. and that shrink certainly didn't.

and WOW the doctor/nurse told you to go to the ER for meds? how bizarre .. why don't they have an emergency line or something to leave a message and they can call something into the pharmacy

i didn't even realize i'd mentioned the side effect grid on here. LOL. i didn't look for a template i just made something in Excel. my meds are listed across the top (going left to right in row 1). then with the help of WebMD i listed each possible side effect going down the left (column A). if a med can cause that effect i put an x in the corresponding cell (for example column D row 6). if the med can cause a rare or life threatening side effect (they're indicated as such in WebMd) then I put a z in the corresponding cell. then i highlighted yellow the side effects i actually experience. .. LOL.. yea a template or something would probably be easier. i need to do another one/update b/c all my meds have changed. i have a ton of upcoming new doctor appointments, too.

that chicken dish sounds yummy.

COURTNEY - WAY TO GO on the jeans!!

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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9/29/12 8:22 P

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*hugs Courtney* Anytime you need me, I'm here! We are here for you! We know what it's like to be depressed. Sometimes you just need a bit of laughter to make you feel better. I watch funny movies sometimes when I'm down. I love Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It always makes me laugh.

I don't know why I'm so tired today... maybe it's depression hiding itself? October 4th is coming, and that's been a hard day for me. It's the anniversary of my dad's suicide. Last year I did really well and had like a "date" with him sitting under a tree and writing him a letter. I don't know what I'm going to do this year... maybe do that again? Or go to the beach if Geo wants to go. Also, my mom's mother in law is going to die very soon... she's in the hospital and is just waiting to go home so she can die. If she makes it that long. They are going to send her home on Monday. There's all this family drama going on up there... It's not fun.

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9/29/12 7:52 P

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hey all--

Well, I got a one mile walk in today. So, that was nice.

I made chicken for supper. Chicken and mashed potatoes. I put in over 1, 000 fitness minutes this month! I was so proud of myself! The jeans I'm wearing are a size 18, I dug them out of a stack I had put in a drawer in our bedroom last year that were "a bit too tight". Now they fit! Yay~I had forgotten all about them. I didn't try the other 2 pair on. FIgured I didn't wanna press my luck...Lol. That really made my night~Just thought I'd share.

Slowly but surely, I'm feeling better. I've stayed in my ranges today and I got my walk in. Talked to my neighbor and we're going to go walking together tomorrow. I guess I just have to let this ride out. So, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to try to keep everything in perspective and realize that my issues are not monumental and will not ruin the world as I know it. Things will be ok and will get better.

Just wanted to say thanks for the support to all my peeps who sent me goodies, listended to me rant, offered support, etc....Thank u all....Courtney

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A women's clothes should fit tightly enough to show that she is a woman but loosely enough to show that she is a lady--Marilyn Monroe


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9/29/12 3:30 P

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Courtney- when I am depressed my mantra becomes "grace is for mommas too" and also, "just do the next thing". Whatever that is. I find my balance somewhere in translation...it is better than doing nothing and curling up in the fetal position in bed in my room, yk? I hope that the rest does you good emoticon

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9/29/12 3:26 P

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I took Kimberly’s advice and am writing my reply in Word and then copying and pasting onto Spark People. I hope I can better keep up and address multiple posters better this way. (It was so overwhelming to me to try to remember names and details on the SP site because I could only see one email when I hit reply).

Just2Much- I didn’t realize that Lamactil was related to Neurontin. I have thought about asking my pysch Dr. if he will start me on Lamactil again. I had good results once I got a good dosage regimen going on it but it made my memory really really bad. I am dealing with that anyways now, so I am willing to deal with it if it means I could maybe have a lower level of the Geodon (or even be able to wean off of it).
Nightwings – I am sorry to read that you are struggling with anxiety today. I am struggling too. It does feel very isolating in addition to the mental and physical overwhelmingness of it all. How are you doing today? What types of coping is most helpful for you? I understand about hating feeling like this and doing all the ‘right’ things and being med compliant. It doesn’t seem fair. It isn’t – at all. It is good that your sleep is better. I hope that the anxiety subsides for you or that your dr. can help adjust something to work that out soon.
I have been using Just2Much’s suggestion of engaging multiple senses to avoid full blown panic attack today. I have had calming music playing *softly* on my Internet radio, using essential oil, some light housework and laundry, coming out of my room to do those things but otherwise in my room to avoid being overly stimulated. (I can hear a neighbor using a buzz saw and it is high and whiney…driving me a bit irritable at the moment though, not too badly). I have also taken some herbal tinctures (motherwort and a blend called smooth transitions that also has skullcap and valerian in it), as needed as well as some essential oils. I am just winging it since I am trying to avoid the ativan unless it gets really bad. I only have 3 mg. to last until I see the dr. on Tuesday and that terrifies me. His nurse spoke kindly but her suggestion to ‘just go to the ER again’ if I run out is not something I want to go through this weekend. I told her that I am really trying to avoid the hospital so that I can be home with my family and do the things that families do, etc. Sometimes I feel like very few people understand what managing bipolar (and other mental illness symptoms) is like. Also – I haven’t taken DBT but my therapist has suggested it in the past. I started to attend in the past and have one of the folders but I am scared of the time commitment. If I enrolled now I would likely have to take a break from my regular therapist and attend as intensive outpatient and I am just not sure about how that would feel with everything I am dealing with right now. It seems overwhelming. Once my medications are stable for a good month or so I would consider it though; it is good stuff from what I know about it. Learning to self soothe is something I need to become more skilled at because those on call nurses and other staff are not very helpful to me in the middle of a crisis and I want to avoid becoming a ‘frequent flier’. Also for Just2Much (gee, I am resonating with much of what you have posted), I also keep copies of tests and labs and medical records so that I can be an informed consumer and help keep other drs in the loop as to the fuller picture of my total health, etc. I use file folders and divide by major specialty. I am really sorry about the poor experience you had with the PT – very unprofessional conduct of her!
Courtney – how are you doing this afternoon? Sometimes I have to stay in my room all day. It beats the alternative and sometimes it just ‘is what it is’. I ‘facilitate’…but it is to varying degrees iykwim. Do you think it is a medication issue that is contributing to the changes you are feeling? I hope you can find your ‘spark’ again. Were you able to get any housework or exercise in today? Thinking of you! (and now I am thinking that yeah…a bagel would be great but I don’t have any and no $$$ for groceries for another week and a half. Bleh)

Kimberly – could you share more about the side effect grid? Is there a link online to a pdf printable or anything that you are aware of, (with more information)? That sounds like a fantastic idea. The dental issues you are dealing sound so miserable and surely they can’t be helping your other issues - =( I hope things get better for you soon. We are here to listen and offer support though – I find it helpful to know that others are listening even if they can’t help, that they are willing to empathize and just offer a shoulder.
I am doing what I can to cope with my anxiety symptoms today – which means that I am in my room mostly, avoiding any triggers and just the feeling of shame when my irritability and sensitivity overwhelm me in front of my family. I have done a few things like switching out laundry (I have to wash the cloth diapers at least every 2-3 days and whew… ). My girls helped with folding and putting away because it is just too much for me with such a large family. I also vacuumed my room because the kids too liberty of bringing play dough and biscuits in here to eat while watching tv when I was at the ER dealing with what I thought was a heart attack. I will do easy for dinner tonight… toss some chicken with some herbs and bake at 375 and pair with the chopped romaine I prepped earlier this week. That is a nice thing to do at the beginning of the week for me because I can always pair it with nearly anything as a veggie. I think I will peel a cucumber or two and slice up some bell peppers. They were on sale this week. I will be doing ‘pantry challenge’ until the 8th because I have no more money for groceries but I have meat in the freezer and staples in the pantry. I just have to mix and match. It is like a game I tell myself, but I will admit it makes me anxious sometimes. I hate it when I run out of food money early in the month but I was sick this month and my husband had to take over the grocery shopping. He does okay and I appreciate him but it sort of messed up my grocery budget. I usually have some left at the end of the month to roll over, (I like to bake around the holidays or on good deals to stock up on). Now I have to start over. Oh fun – a new challenge, lol. I still have some knots in my stomach and chest but not as bad. I think the ‘engaging my senses’ technique has been useful in conjunction with my medications and herbs, etc. today. I will be ready for my PM meds though – I can always feel them start to work and then it is sleepy time, lol. I hope that everyone has a good evening. I apologize if my post left anyone out – it is getting long and I am wordy – and the toddler is starting to tantrum. emoticon


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9/29/12 3:24 P

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Sometimes I fake it till I make it. Get up do things you don't really want to do. Doesn't always work but sometimes.

Namaste,
India


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9/29/12 2:43 P

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Well, I've come to a conclusion...

I have been too hard on myself. I have overwhelmed myself with trying to eat healthy, exercise everyday, pay bills, straighten out my insurance, deal with family issues, worry about our money issues, worry about keeping food in the house, worry about keeping gas in the car, trying to keep appts., dealing with Iversons appts...the list goes on. I have been doing all this and have sunk into a depression. That was my trigger. Too much stress. I am going to take this weekend off. I am going to decompress. For the last 2 days, I have been sad, sleeping too much, and been weighed down with these issues. I have lost my SPark. Now I can see why. I need to unburden myself. I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't exercise this weekend. I'm not going to go crazy if I don't stay within ranges. I need to deal with all this stress. I know once our money comes in, the stress will def diminish. So, until then , I have to try to keep things in perspective. Exercise does tend to relax me, so I 'm going to get out there today and do some walking. I'm just going to do some journaling, walking, and some removing myself by maybe watching some funny movie (thanks Just2) or talking to a friend (Rissa, that's u) or reading. I can't let this bring me down and keep me in bed or worse yet in my psychs office on Monday.

So, if u have any ideas on how to handle depression, please share...It's been a long time since I've been in a full blown depression...

Courtney

A women's clothes should fit tightly enough to show that she is a woman but loosely enough to show that she is a lady--Marilyn Monroe


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9/29/12 12:57 P

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*hugs Courtney* I'm sorry you are under so much stress. I know about money problems, and they suck. I'm broke too. I even went into savings to get money for fast food (horrible I know). Your mom should be sending you the bonds soon, right? At least enough to cover what needs to be covered. As for your ex, is he going to be paying you for your daughter's child support? That would be a big help, I'm sure. Don't forget about our little deal- both of us in Onderland by January! We can do this together. I lost a pound. Better that than nothing. Call me when you get a chance!

For me, the biggest temptation right now is to go out to eat. I know I can get food at the store to fix my cravings for wings, but I don't know if Geo wants to go to the store or not. it would be nice if he was up to it. We are out of money, and I still have bills to pay. As soon as my father in law deposits the check I gave him, I'm going to transfer everything left over into my savings. I'm horrible with spending money. I guess y'all can relate. Most of my money goes for food (fast food... we have food stamps to spend at the store) and that's not good. I did lose a pound, and I have dinner set out for tonight (steak with broccoli and cheese) but I want wings for lunch. I did have a salad and that was okay, but I really want those wings. Oh well. I don't think Geo is going to want to leave to get some... I guess that's for the best.

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"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all" Whitney Houston


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9/29/12 12:09 P

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Thanks, Just 2---You are so right about humor. When I get in these funks...I can't find humor easily. That's really an issue for me. As it stands right now, I'm feeling better. I've been up since 8 or so. I have to go to the pharmacy around 1 cuz I'm having trouble with Medicare (again, before it even starts!) so I have to take my forms to the pharmacy and the pharmacisit is going to help me with it. One more thing with that dang insurance. I don't wanna think about it, it will just overwhelm me. If I didn't have meds, I could care less...but when u have 11 meds u have to get every month, it's a big deal!! SO, I have that to do and then i AM going to get my exercise in. Today, I kinda feel like crying but I don't wanna start cuz IDK if I'll be able to stop. I'm trying to keep it together and get through this. I know I'll be alright, it just takes time. I think maybe if I get outside and get some fresh air and exercise, I'll be alright. I always feel better when I do that. The worst part is, is that IDK what's wrong. Money is tight, I have til Wed. before I get paid, probs with Medicare, probs with mom and daughter, eating unhealthy food, tired, not sure if i like this Seroquel increase..yep, I guess I do know what's wrong. Now what do I do with that info? I guess I just have to sort it out one prob. at a time.

For now, I'm gonna go eat some lunch and take a walk.

Talk to u all later....Courtney

A women's clothes should fit tightly enough to show that she is a woman but loosely enough to show that she is a lady--Marilyn Monroe


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9/29/12 11:41 A

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-mood and current frustration over on other thread-

Dr. K looked at toes last on Sept 4th. the day after the nail popped off. said again that everything was clear and normal and no infection. it'd hurt for awhile but could wear whatever shoes i wanted. 2nd opinion podiatrist Dr. D looked at toes a couple days ago Sept 27th and agreed with Dr. K.

earlier this year i think my primary care had recommended me to pain mgmt doc but i never got info on referral or name or location or anything.. and def never got a call from whatever doctor. .. I'm gonna add that to my discussion list.

i don't think mom is getting senile .. but i have jokingly and seriously asked if her hearing was ok. or if i needed to talk louder or more clearly or something. i'm kind of getting to the point where I say something and she doesn't hear me or acknowledge that i said anything. or she says or asks something that i had just answered. i am starting to just say nevermind. i feel like i'm talking to a wall.

haha .. i know what you mean about the bursts of laughter. occasionally i'll read something or see a funny graphic and laugh. mom comes in and is like are you crying?!? uh no.. found something funny so i laughed.. then my brain immediately says to me when i *do* cry she doesn't come in ... so like uh WTF.

i have so many shows & movies collecting virtual dust. i either usually don't have time for them or i feel completely out of sorts (understatement) that i don't watch them. maybe i should just make time and temporarily say to h-ll with everything else and watch some Raising Hope or New Girl or Glee. Glee used to make me soooo happy. it almost scared me with the voracity i gobbled down the 1st season on DVD. I think I'm going to try the outside decorations today too. the weather seems to be good for it.

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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9/29/12 10:09 A

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Courtney: Do you realize how important HUMOR is in improving mood, reducing stress, helping you handle life's tough times? When I went to visit my sis-in-law for a week right after she got the dx of Stage 4 lung cancer, I packed about 10 humorous DVDs & David Sedaris' complete works read by the author on CD.

We laughed while watching "Legally Blonde", "The Bridesmaids" & others. We picked up from David Sedaris (author of "Me Talk Pretty One Day") the idea that if we weren't licking light bulbs & door knobs (one of his severe OCD behaviors as a kid) we were doing pretty well!

So even now after a year (& she is cancer free) we still talk on the phone & relate a neg. experience or depressing day, but say: "At least I'm not licking light bulbs yet!"

I swear the book "Me Talk Pretty One Day" started me on the way out of a horrible depression. Picture me huddled in the corner of the room of the day program (IOP--Intensive Outpatient) at the local psych ward. Yes, I am a drama queen when depressed. So I'd been huddled, crying for about 3 days thinking: This is what I've become? A middle-aged, sobbing blob in a chair? Maybe my mother DID have the right solution--suicide--as I sure wasn't making any progress in preventing & getting over these depressive episodes (got dxed as bipolar 1 there).

But I started reading "Me Talk Pretty One Day" & I laughed out loud! One of the therapists walks over to me gingerly, probably wondering if I had "flipped" into a hysterical mania as I had been sobbing for 3 days since arriving. Then he saw the title of the book & he grinned & said, "I love that book. It is fantastic." I started laughing; something opened up in my tightly compressed chest when my lungs expanded w/laughter.

Some kind of lightness came into me. It is hard to ruminate on all my collection of depressive thoughts when laughing! I started to participate in the group sessions (therapy & classes) & cooking communal meals, etc. I also quit smoking after a week on Lithium & Laughter--needed clear lungs to enable me to laugh more deeply, to bellow even, while watching the movies & listening to the CDs or Jill Sweeney on NPR (comedienne who had cancer while performing at a comedy club in L.A., I think. You can listen to it on-line in the archives or I have the NPR app on my iPad; David Sedaris is there, too, & his sister, Amy).

But, what "sparked" THIS particular ramble was, Courtney, when I read your post quickly I saw the word "attack" & you know how your mind automatically supplies the next word sometimes? My mind supplied the words: MY HUSBAND as in you were going to attack your husband!

Maybe I need to re-watch Reese Witherspoon in "Legally Blonde" instead of another episode of "Deadly Women"!!!! My husband says, "Why do watch such a gruesome show (about women who murder)?" My theory is that it makes me feel better about my life!

So, have some laughs today, Everyone! And share the "joke" w/us so we can feel the endorphins that are a result. Laughter is, indeed, GOOD MEDICINE.

Ramble over; now need to figure out how to tame my day.

Exercise is a must (back exercises to, hopefully, reduce pain & arm exercises to, hopefully, stop or reduce the jiggling).

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again.
FAIL BETTER!~Samuel Beckett


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9/29/12 7:52 A

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Wow, what a entry! I didn't realize what a bad mood I was in. I'm feeling a bit better now. Just got up for the day. Still don't have any bagles but I'll settle for whole wheat toast. It's rainy and ugly here. I decided I'm gonna try to catch up on my sparking for a little while and then attack my house! Still feeling blah but what can I do? I guess I'll just see how the day goes...Talk to u all later...Courtney emoticon

A women's clothes should fit tightly enough to show that she is a woman but loosely enough to show that she is a lady--Marilyn Monroe


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9/29/12 4:05 A

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Morning all--

I'm up. Not up as in emoticon up just up as in can't sleep. Went to bed around 10 and then I had a bad dream involving fire that woke me right up. So, here I am. Figured I'd come on and spark a bit cuz I haven't done that much lately. I feel so miserable. Just so blah..I know I keep saying that but it's true. Where did my spark go? Pardon the pun,but I can't put it any other way. No color in my life...grey. Sigh..IDK what to type even..I have some housework to do today cuz I've been neglecting that. I am going to exercise today cuz I've been neglecting that too...if it stops raining, I'll go out and do it if not I'll have to use a video. All I want for breakfast is a bagle and we have none. Isn't that great? Everyone else gets what they want and I can't even get a bagle? WOW...yeah, things are fair. Not a happy morning over here. I don't want toast and I don't want an english muffin, I want a bagle and of course they're all gone! Ugh...this place drives me crazy sometimes! I should just try to go back to sleep! I am not starting the day off in a good mood! It had better get better around here or they can just fend for themselves and I'll stay in my room all day! I hate to act that way but I am not in a good mood and maybe it's for the best if I'm just not around people today. I'm going to go back to bed and see if that puts me in a better mood!

A women's clothes should fit tightly enough to show that she is a woman but loosely enough to show that she is a lady--Marilyn Monroe


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9/29/12 12:13 A

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Kimberly: OUCH!! Would soaking your feet in warm/hot water & Epsom salts help? If your toes are red & swollen it sounds like they are not healing well--how long has it been since the doc has taken a look at them? Part of the problem w/docs is that if they hear too many complaints of pain & suffering &they get immune to it. seriously--they do, unless you are going to a pain management doc who is actually doing MRIs, x-rays, thorough exams, etc.

There was an article in the NY Times or WSJ quite awhile ago that stated that if docs don't "cure" you or get you relief from symptoms despite many efforts (for example, a friend of mine who has terrible treatment-resistant depression starting having her pdoc saying he didn't know why she wasn't getting well as he tried all the available meds--including MAOIs ; she even did ECTs & got a VNS implanted...

Talk about determination, but she didn't get relief after so many years & she also started to give up. It is important to remember we do have some responsibility & volition in regards to our mental & physical health (I'm speaking mainly to myself here--you can listen in, if you want to). I actually met her at a WRAP class (Wellness & Recovery Action Plan)--excellent & free or low-cost through NAMI, DBSA, Key Consumers, Mental Health America, etc. & they teach about figuring out your daily "tool box" (NAMI's Peer-to-Peer class does this, too). WRAP was developed by Mary Ellen Copeland.

Like what are the essential things for you to do daily for YOU to help you keep on the road to stability & a good quality of life?

Kimberly: It sounds like your mother is bugging you a lot w/not understanding you or remembering what you have said or making (to you) unreasonable requests. So what can you do to help out w/that lack of good communication? Is she getting senile so that talking to her is just useless? Would writing stuff down help? Like write a schedule down every day w/stuff you CAN do & just letting her know that is your "to do" list & all you can manage due to your pain issues. Then just SHUT UP!! Stop going round & round w/her!

I don't tell my husband, for example, the details of my pain. It is tiresome & boring (even to me; esp. to me! If I could escape myself I would). He can't do much to help me, but when he can I let him know in a nice manner way before the fact (like today I knew my pain medication was at the pharmacy ready to be picked up so I called the pharmacy to double-check it was ready & had been double-counted & was the right dosage, etc. & was not in child-proof caps as I can't open those so I had everything in place & called him at work to see if he could stop on his way home to pick them up as I had run out).

This way he has a choice; he usually chooses to help me in any way he can so it is good to give him a choice to help me as he can't do too much else to lessen my pain. I just try not to burden him w/stuff he can't do anything about anyway (relieve my pain).

I encourage him to play tennis, golf, take a weekend off once a year to spend w/his tennis buddies at a lake resort & our upcoming trip to the Grand Canyon I can't participate in the hiking but encourage him to enjoy it & the company of our friends while on the hike. I just don't want my medical problems to taint our relationship any more than it has to (my mental health issues & physical issues). I don't want 2 lives to be "damaged" or "destroyed" by my disorder(s). As much as he can help & support me, great!

But, otherwise, I try to handle it myself & let him be my husband & not my caretaker.

It must be difficult to be living w/your mother as she wants to make you"well", I'm sure. Any mother would. I would be scared (do get scared when my daughter who is 36 has a severe depressive episode) to see my daughter not doing well. So a lot of her behavior might be from fear...

She is just plain scared about her daughter. Don't be angry at her for that even though she shows it in irritating ways.

Courtney, dear!! You were awake for so many nights & now you are just exhausted. I think trying to learn those "good sleep habits & sleep hygiene" I am attempting would be useful to you, too. Yeah it feels pretty good to be up pretty much all night when you are hypo manic or hyper but then it takes its toll, doesn't it? I have to remind myself of that when tempted to stay up till all hours. Get a nightlight & turn off the lamps & overhead lights in the room.

Get some wonderful smelling & soothing lotion to put on your hands & neck so you can breathe in the scent. Follow a schedule of at such & such a time you will wash your face, brush your teeth (floss!) & do all the other stuff you do at night. Take your night-time meds so you can be sleepy...

Well, I'm sure a know-it-all, aren't I? Sorry about that. Need to follow my own advise, take my meds & get to bed. Night , All!!

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again.
FAIL BETTER!~Samuel Beckett


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9/28/12 11:00 P

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i managed to update the finances and pay a couple of bills. found a few postcards at the local Rocky Boots Outlet store. Guess I'll have to find some online. I can't believe how ridiculous it is to find postcards!!

mom finally cut me a small section of strawberry pie and cut all strawberries into tinier pieces so i was able to eat it. it didn't taste right but nothing does right now.

i think i'm gonna have to muster up a lot of focus and do another one of those side effects meds grids for all the current meds.

a little bit ago i was just standing and some slight bending trying to finish the kitchen decorations. i was boiling. thermometer says 98.9 but since i'm normally like 97 that's a huge jump. not to mention some bathroom problems and such. it's the most optional med so i'm gonna cut it out. i'll tell the doc when she gets back to the country.

yesterday i wrote down all the symptoms and pains i am having. it's quite a long list.

the tooth/mouth doesn't have pain until i try to rest my upper teeth on my lower teeth... or bite something at a bad angle. the dentist had smoothed my crown hoping that would help correct the bite.. give it all more room. but it basically got worse. so he's thinking it's either still bite issues or infection. i see him tues afternoon to see what's next. might have to do root canal or extraction if we can narrow to which tooth. ... i have a hard nightguard that snaps on my front two bottom teeth. i hate it. he wanted me to get a soft and giving nightguard that i could wear all day. well either i wasn't boiling it enough or my teeth just aren't meant to conform to the plastic.

How are you measuring your year? Speeding tickets, cups of coffee, love


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9/28/12 9:21 P

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Just getting ready to go to bed. Read up on some of the past posts...too much to comprehend at this point. Sorry...

I get this point about barefoot running. Hey, to each his own. I could never do it but if u guys can, then go for it, I say. I'm with u, Just 2...OUCH!

Kim--I didn't get why you're having pain when u eat..but whatever the reason is, I hope u feel better soon. I read too that u have a nightguard, is that permenant? I hope things get better.

Larissa--I know what it's like to be tired all the time. For the last 2 days, I have lost my SPark..just fizzled out. I told u today, I slept til like 2. Just so tired. Blah... I hope u feel better soon....Hope you have a good night tonight too.

Lucinda===I'm here! emoticon Thanks for thinking of me. Just haven't been feeling that great the last couple days. Just blah...no umph. Ya know? sleeping too much. I hate feeling this way!

Ruthie= sounds like things are going real good with u. Hope they stay that way! Glad your visits with your fam are going so well.

To all the new members---So nice getting to know u all. I'm sorry I don't have too many comments. I'm still trying to "snap out' of whatever it is that's got me so down..But I'm going to keep reading everyday again and hopefully I'll get to know u all even better.

Nightwings (I think that's the name)---I agree that u maybe should look into inpatient help. It sounds like maybe your meds aren't working as well as they're supposed to. Maybe put a call into your psych. Let us know how u make out. We're all here for u.

As for me, I'm bored. Tired, too tired. I slept til 2 today. WtF is that? I never sleep that late? I didn't post yesterday and I almost didn't post today. I just have no oomph...I can't seem to find that spark again. UGH...I hate it when this happens. I go from the high to the low..U all know what I'm talking about. I mean the crash is nothing compared to others. But, to me the crash is major. I'm stable, I guess. Not really depressd,just blah..existing, that's it. emoticon

I'm waiting for the spark to come back...I'm getting ready to go back to bed at 10, We're watching tv and our show's over at 10 so back to bed. Yep, up for 8 hours and then back to bed. What a life, huh?

A women's clothes should fit tightly enough to show that she is a woman but loosely enough to show that she is a lady--Marilyn Monroe


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