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KJEANNE's Photo KJEANNE SparkPoints: (39,494)
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12/6/06 1:56 P

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I lifted this from Ken Kifer’s Page. It seemed appropriate for me since I get flats often.

Zen and the Art of Fixing a Flat Tire
You are riding on a picturesque country road on your bicycle with the wind in your hair and birds singing in the nearby trees, and you are about to reach a Zen-like state of rapture when you start noticing your rear wheel. It seems to be bumping on the ground. Gradually, you realize that you have a flat.
You stop your bike and pump in some more air, but it doesn't work. Then you realize that you don't have a patch kit, so you begin walking towards the nearest phone. After hours of trying to find a phone or to get someone to let you use a phone, you figure that you have to walk for only another half hour to reach your home, when a cold, hard rain begins.
You vow that you will never make that mistake again.

You are riding on a picturesque country road on your bicycle with the wind in your hair and birds singing in the nearby trees, and you are about to reach a Zen-like state of rapture when you start noticing your rear wheel. It seems to be bumping on the ground. Gradually, you realize that you have a flat.
You stop your bike and pump some more air in, but it doesn't work. This time you are prepared. You use your tire levers to remove the tire, and you open the patch kit, prepare the area around the hole, and then you try to squeeze out some glue. Oh, you didn't realize that the tube of glue was soldered shut under the cap! You frantically search for something to punch a hole, but you discover nothing.
Hours later, after a soaking rain, you reach your home. You vow that you will never make that mistake again.

You are riding on a picturesque country road on your bicycle with the wind in your etc., and you are about to reach a Zen-like state of rapture when you start noticing your rear wheel. It seems to be bumping on the ground. Oh no, not again!
You stop your bike, remove the tire, and open the patch kit. Removing a pin from the kit, you punch a hole in the end of the tube, causing the glue to squirt out. Now, all you have to do is to find the hole.
Unfortunately, this time the hole is not so large. You can't see a hole, and you can't feel air escaping. Since your water bottle is empty, you try spitting on the tube, but to no avail. You start pumping more and more air into the tube, hoping that the hole will reveal itself, but to no avail. Then you put the tube and tire back on and pump it full; the tire quickly deflates.
Hours later, after a soaking rain, you reach your home. You vow that you will never make that mistake again.

You are riding on a picturesque country road on your bicycle with the wind in your etc., and you are about to reach an etc. when you notice etc. Your rear wheel seems to be bumping on the ground.
This time you take out a spare tube. When you can't find the hole, you just swap tubes, and then proceed to ride away. A couple of hundred feet away, you notice that your rear wheel seems to be bumping on the ground.
Did you remember to inspect the tire casing for glass, nails, or a piece of wire? Hours later, after a soaking rain, you reach your home. You vow that you will never make that mistake again.

You are riding on a picturesque country etc. on your etc. with the etc. in your etc. Your rear wheel seems to be bumping on the ground.
This time, you inspect the casing, but the new tube will not fill with air. Did you inspect it before starting your ride? Tubes that are fresh from the factory sometimes have holes in them. As you reach home in a soaking rain, you vow that you will never make that mistake again.

You are riding on a picturesque etc. Your rear wheel seems to be bumping on the ground.
This time you check the casing, and the new tube works perfectly. A mile up the road, you have a second flat. Hours later etc., you vow etc.

You are riding etc. You are no longer worried about flats at all because you have installed plastic thorn guards. Then, your rear wheel seems to be bumping on the ground. A close inspection reveals that the tube was pinched by the thorn guard.

You are riding etc. You are deliberating aiming at every piece of glass and every nail on the road. Your rear wheel is bumping on the ground, but you know why, and you don't stop. Your tire is now filled with solid rubber.
Suddenly, a huge, vicious dog springs out of nowhere. He bites your tire, and you chuckle, thinking how much that hurt. Then you discover that your rear tire is now bumping uncontrollably on the ground because a large chunk is missing.
Hours later, you reach your home and have someone drive you to the hospital for rabies shots. You vow etc.

You are riding etc., pulling a bike trailer full of spare tires. Suddenly, you feel a bumping coming from the trailer. Then you remember that you did not bring spares for the trailer tires. Hours later, etc., you vow etc.

You are riding etc. with an RV full of bikes and tires behind you. Suddenly, you hear a bumping sound behind you. The RV has a flat tire. You ride on for several miles, looking for a phone when you notice that your rear wheel seems to be bumping on the ground. Hours later, etc.

You are riding on a picturesque country road on your bicycle with the wind in your hair and birds singing in the nearby trees, and you are about to reach a Zen-like state of rapture when you start noticing your rear wheel. It seems to be bumping on the ground. Gradually, you realize that you have a flat. You continue to enter your trance. You now know, logically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, that flat tires are just another part of the trip. You enjoy fooling with the tire, getting bit by the dog, walking in the rain, and having passing motorists honk at your heels and throw bottles at you. You don't even wince when you get the shots. You have now passed beyond the plebian problems of bike riders: you are now a true cyclist®.
Isn't cycling wonderful?



Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.
African proverb


 current weight: 183.0 
 
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KELOWNAGURL's Photo KELOWNAGURL Posts: 523
12/1/06 11:39 P

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OK this is totally off the bike humour topic but I thought it was funny.


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

------------------------------------------
-----------------------

Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

Remember, though, that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly 10.8. Whatever you do: DO NOT install Mother-in- Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support


-------------

Hmmm....my Husband 1.0 skipped Beer 6.1 entirely and runs Snoring Loudly 10.8 at all times of the day.

Tears 6.2 has never worked, and Guilt 3.0 has only ever worked once, which booted Flowers 3.5 automatically (and with which I was not impressed). Jewelry 2.0 has never EVER worked and I demand my money back.

Not to mention, Mother-in-Law installed itself and Hot Food 3.0 runs entirely WAY too often, and has resulted in Husband 1.0 becoming too large a file. Hence, Lingerie 7.7 is totally worthless.

I must say, though, Tech Support is correct -- Husband 1.0 has very limited memory and mine does not learn new applications at all, even with repeated boots and re-boots.

I want my Boyfriend 5.0 back.

It's never too late to be who you might have been.

Weight goal: 115-120 lbs May 1, 2012?

Check out my blog and podcast for beginning triathletes!
kelownagurl.com


 current weight: 126.0 
 
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SKIGEEK's Photo SKIGEEK Posts: 580
12/1/06 12:55 P

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I'm getting sick of that Nerd/Engineer joke with the woman and the bike. *bare with me here, Kellie* For starters in this one, nerd doesn't establish gender (though it's assumed to be male, eh?), and even if it is stated, who knows if the guy's gay or the gal's straight? People shouldn't be so quick to judge! While I am a straight male, before making the call in this situation I would REALLY want to know what the girl looked like and what kind of bike it was! :-) That Sram X-O is some sexy stuff! ;-)

Also, If the clothes were nice I might be able to take and sell them on eBay!

Lastly, I find it interesting that if the woman and the implied man were switched in this scenario that the expected result would be different (my assumption).

Edited by: SKIGEEK at: 12/1/2006 (12:56)
~Jeff
'What better place than here? What better time than now?' -RATM
SW:185 GW:~165 - succeeded
SKIGEEK's Photo SKIGEEK Posts: 580
12/1/06 12:45 P

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That 'Real Man' saddle is AWESOME! Thanks for the post, Kellie! Too bad I'm under the weight limit. :-/ Luckily I have a similar saddle! ;-)

It's an old Bontrager C10 FULLY clad in kevlar. The real perk of the full kevlar saddle was that it was bullet proof (literally... they use this stuff in bullet-proof vests). Unfortunately it was soooo hard that after five minutes of sitting on it I was wishing someone would just shoot me, though not through the saddle, since that wouldn't be very effective. ;-)

I tried hard to find a pic, but couldn't produce one, so I'll have to make my own later and edit this post, so stay tuned. BTW, if anyone is interested in buying it, let me know... I'll make ya a good deal on it. :-D

~Jeff
'What better place than here? What better time than now?' -RATM
SW:185 GW:~165 - succeeded
KJEANNE's Photo KJEANNE SparkPoints: (39,494)
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12/1/06 12:38 P

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Nerd, A Nude and a Bike

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.
African proverb


 current weight: 183.0 
 
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KJEANNE's Photo KJEANNE SparkPoints: (39,494)
Fitness Minutes: (31,713)
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12/1/06 12:25 P

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Check out this site for a "different" type of saddle! The real man bike saddle!
http://www.sheldonbrown.com/real-man.htm
l

Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.
African proverb


 current weight: 183.0 
 
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150
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