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EMMASMART's Photo EMMASMART SparkPoints: (23,811)
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7/23/13 11:07 A

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When I talk to someone grieving I always say I am sorry for your loss and I ask if they were close. That lets them know I am ready and willing to listen... If the person is close to me and spiritual and I know them, i might tell them I am excited for their relative because they are getting the answers to the great mystery and isn't that cool. Some people like this - no one's bitten my head off for it.




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LADYBUGOH's Photo LADYBUGOH Posts: 252
8/26/11 10:05 A

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I wanted to keep this post alive so I am providing a link to an article I think could be helpful
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/helping_
grieving.htm

The journey is the reward. Chinese proverb


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USE2BWILD's Photo USE2BWILD Posts: 1,225
11/21/10 10:02 P

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I lost my Mom last month. I think when people say the wrong thing that at least they tried however misguided to comfort. I think that it is nice of them to try anyway. I know they feel awkward and I just try to make them feel more at ease. It was a shock loosing my Mom. She was doing so good. I have a lot of baggage over it but I am working through it. I wrote letters to people who hurt me. I don't intend to send them. I just wrote them to work through the issues. The ones who really hurt me, don't desearve my friendship but for my Mom's sake, I need to work this stuff out cause she wouldn't want her death to cause any strife in the family. So it is in her honor that I try to get beyond the hurt. I don't choose to interact with those people right now. I don't need them in my life right now. But I do need peace and so my letter writing is how I am getting that. Blessings to all of you and hoping for your peace also. I am so glad this group exists. I miss my Mom so much. It really hurts. I know you all will understand where I am coming from. Thanks. from, mcgee

Lord, I love thee
For the music of the waters, For the wild wind's melody, For the arch of heaven's splendor, For the secrets of the sea. For the wonders of the night-time, For the glory of the day, For the blessed joy of living, Lord I love thee. For the pearly flush of rose leaves, For the flower scented air, For the trembling hush of dawning, For all the beauty of everywhere, For the joy of friendly faces, For the graces of each day, For the hope of winning heaven, Lord I love thee.
LESSBIGBOB's Photo LESSBIGBOB Posts: 867
5/2/10 6:13 P

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Lv4tay, I really appreciate your post I just read. I think your advice about not telling others how they should feel is right on target. Even in our family we all reacted and remembered very differently.

I also think we should all be mindful of not doing this to people with depression, anger issues, weight loss, etc. I often try and support someone when they say I shouldn't be depressed, still upset my mother died, etc. by saying it's fine to feel how you feel- we are all so different.

If you feel it, you feel it, I think, who am I to judge it's time limit. I do think advice, given with no strings is a good thing. I like people who share how they have dealt, are dealing with something without judging my journey with it.

Edited by: LESSBIGBOB at: 5/2/2010 (18:16)
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GEEKYGRANDMOMMY's Photo GEEKYGRANDMOMMY SparkPoints: (110,703)
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3/20/10 5:24 A

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Lv4tay - That was beautiful and so well said and so true. Thank you for sharing. Your mom is your mom. I feel the same way. I still miss my mom even after 20 years.

"The God of heaven is the One who will grant us success." Nehemiah 2:20


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LV4TAY's Photo LV4TAY Posts: 140
2/2/10 9:38 P

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When my dad died I was a teenager and none of my friends had lost a parent. They either avoided me or said things like, well, old people die. (Dad was barely in his 50's.)Losing Mom was much worse, because she had been my only parent for almost 30 years. And no matter how old you are, your mom is your mom. I derived the greatest comfort from people who could honestly say that they knew how I felt. It's like you become a member of this very sad, very macabre club, and its members are the only ones who truly understand. The worst for me was when people who still had their parents would say, you shouldn't mourn her death, you should celebrate her life. Really, what you shouldn't do is tell someone else how to feel.

Edited by: LV4TAY at: 2/2/2010 (21:39)
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard, be evil.


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JUSTWANDER's Photo JUSTWANDER Posts: 33
1/29/10 8:34 A

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I probably should read all the posts before I write, but I need to vent on some of the things I have heard over the last month since my Mom died.
-she's in a better place (umm,I'd rather her be with me in a not so better place!)
-she's with you all the time in your heart and memories (that's just not the same as flesh and blood)

Dang, there are so many more but these two I heard the most.
I really have been blessed to have really wonderful people around me giving me love and support but i'd trade it anyday to have more time with my Mom. I miss her so much.

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EMMASMART's Photo EMMASMART SparkPoints: (23,811)
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11/6/09 6:25 P

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The saying goes... Grief is the price we pay for loving well...

Some times though Grief is also the price we pay for not loving well, then it is tinged with regret which is much much worse I think...

Emma




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MISSBUNCLE Posts: 25
11/4/09 4:41 P

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A friend of mine told me years ago that she thought it's too bad that we don't wear mourning anymore. Wearing black for a year let people know that the person in front of you may be walking and talking like a normal person, but normal they are NOT. And one of things about recent losses is making it okay for someone else who is upset by your parent's death. It's funny, the expectations we have for the bereaved.

What kills me is all the people who told me that they wish they'd had parents like mine. My parents listened to me, were interested in me, and thought I was just great. I figure that if the pain I'm feeling now is the price I have to pay for loving so deeply and being loved deeply in return, well, it's my privilege to pay it.

"I can resist anything except temptation."
-Oscar Wilde


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VANNASMOM's Photo VANNASMOM Posts: 676
4/15/09 2:46 P

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I look back on it, and laugh because truthfully that is really all I can do. I said something to my father and he said she was always a drama queen so he wasn't surprised. She hadn't even seen or talked to my Mom in probably 15 years. I am sure it was a shock, but wow!

It really was quite a scene I am sure a few people had a fantastic laugh at her expense.

If you're tired of starting over stop giving up!


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4/15/09 1:32 P

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I'm so sorry you were exposed to that. It must have been quite a show. I understand finding out that someone you know has passed can be devestating, but it is apparent that she could not think of your feelings at all. That's a shame. She's missing out on the most important lesson, missing out on thinking of how others might feel and about how you can make their day a bit less bad.

The best response when someone puts their foot into it is to listen for their meaning. The crazy lady at the Target was trying to say to you, Your Mom was special and she will be missed. But she didn't have those words. Crazy as it may sound she is mourning and doesn't know how to act in public about it. We might feel sorry for her.

You co-worker was right, this was all about her and not about you. You cannot control other people. So you really can't be held responsible for their actions. It's none of your business, nothing to be embarrassed about because it's really her and not you.

My friend mourning her Mother, has a father who's mourning his wife. He wants big time emotional support from her while she is going through her own process of healing. She is at a loss of how to deal with him. She can't imagine what his expectations are of her, really I can't either, but he has these expectations.

I guess part of how to talk to People who are mourning is about how to talk to people who are mourning while we are mourning ourselves. That's the tricky part I think. How can we respond rationally and with compassion, when we have our own grief burden making us crazy and self-absorbed. It's really a good trick.

Emma




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VANNASMOM's Photo VANNASMOM Posts: 676
4/13/09 9:58 A

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Having just gone through my loss, I do believe I have heard it all, or in my case, not heard it all. People would start speaking inserting foot, and I would just nod and smile. I blocked out most of what they said, it is a great ability. I heard a lot of "I am so sorry for your loss, if you need anything don't hesitate to ask". To me that is appropriate, not personal, not telling me you know how I feel because you don't. Every situation is different, every person is different. We have all lost our Mom's and I bet everyone of us has a different story of what we went through so no one can know how you are feeling.

I was most offended by the friend of my moms from many years prior that stopped me in Target, didn't know of her passing, and proceeded to make a complete drama scene in the store when I told her. I am not a public mourner, I prefer to keep private, private. She embarrassed me more than hurt me, she was a blubbering idiot. I think people sometimes just don't think. Her scene was more about her, than me, or my loss. I was initially pretty devastated, I came back to work and one of my friends at work enlightened me to the "it was about her, not your Mom". She worked for a PR agent in California and is very used to drama queens, so she made me feel better.

If you're tired of starting over stop giving up!


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4/7/09 1:24 P

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My mom passed away in 2001 but she always with me in spirit!!

"One step at a time"


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1/8/09 12:40 P

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I love that it's rarely as hard as we imagine.

Emma




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SILLY__RABBIT's Photo SILLY__RABBIT Posts: 2,361
1/8/09 11:55 A

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Thanks everybody for your responses! Sorry with the holidays I haven't been online much. But I was really afraid of the atmosphere at work, but I've been completely surprised. I mean the first couple of days was hard and solemn which would be expected but the office day-to-day is up and running almost as usual. And the people in my office have really stepped up to the plate, by doing little things like bringing food and even just putting ribbons up around the office in support of our manager to keep her in our minds during the time that she's taken off.

"It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow."
-- Robert H. Goddard



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TWILIGHTMOM's Photo TWILIGHTMOM Posts: 3,040
1/3/09 2:10 A

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You also need to be alittle easier on yourself for turning all this grief you are experiancing inward. You are the only one who can feel your pain, and they can only feel theirs. What it does is bring up in us feelings that are similar so that we can empathize with others. You are still so close to yours that you can't filter out your own situation to just have the feelings. When my mom died, it was so hard to go back to work. We had people die regularly...it was that kind of hospital floor...very sick people, and it was really close to when I lost my mother. I didn't have enough time off to really get it worked through, or blocked off. EVery thing reminded me of her. One afternoon, I was sitting there at the desk with tears running down my face, charting. I figured it was normal, I lost my mom, I was crying. I didn't ask to go home, or even any reduction in work, just the freedom to let the tears flow quietly if necessary. They were nice and sent me home...it was the only concession they made to me. Everything related to my mom then, EVERYTHING. It doesn't last, but it's hard while it does. Don't feel guilty, it's part of the process.
I agree with what Laurie said...you did describe your coworker very sweetly, and letting her know how you feel about her would help her. Nothing will bring back her grandson, we all know that, but knowing that she is special to someone will at least give her a warm glow in some small area of her heart!

Twilightmom (Ann)

God never gives us anything we can't handle, with His help.



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12/29/08 7:32 P

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I think if you can change your mind and opt into the grief counseling... It would be good. They can help you with what to say now that your are grieving yourself. I Looove the card idea. It is always considerate to give fruit when there is a loss some folks forget to eat. Never say I know how you feel -- say you are so sorry for their loss.

The grief counselor could be very helpful to you. To give you enough perspective to be helpful.

Emma




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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
12/28/08 5:43 P

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Jenn...first of all I am sorry about the loss of your mom. Mine passed last month. It is hard.
No one else passing, even a child, can help us with our grieving.
The loss of the boy is no less than horrible. No one should have to lose a child.
What you said about your manager was so nice. I would buy a lovely card and say just that.

Something in affect of, "You were there for me when I lost my mother and gave me so much support when I was so lost.
I now would like to be there for you. I am so sorry for the loss of your grandchild. I would like to be here for you during this time of your great loss....."
Something like that. I am just saying the way you put your concern in this post for her was wonderful and caring. Do the same for her.

Yes, it will be hard in the office for some time to come. I have 8 grand kids and cannot imagine losing any of these kids. To be lost by fire is such a tragedy. I am so very very sorry.
Compassion and support is the way you can help out your manager. Good luck to you with your grieving and maybe it will help you to be of help to her.

Hugs
Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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SILLY__RABBIT's Photo SILLY__RABBIT Posts: 2,361
12/28/08 1:47 A

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HELP! I apologize in advance for the long post.

Now seriously, I know I haven't posted much here but I really haven't had the energy to do anything but work and workout. And there was a really hard time aroun my birthday... especially with some sleeping problems but those are slowly getting resolved. I don't know if anyone remembers but I posted about losing my Mom and I appreciate your kind words when I lost her Mom 4 months ago. But I have a huge problem and need some help now.

I thought I was doing well with the whole grief thing and everything. I mean I still have bad days and stuff and the whole time period of my Mother's death I've kinda built a whole wall around it and let it sort of hit my consciousness a litle at a time. And it's been going well, I've been hitting the gym and I've even lost weight and I'm taking better care of myself but then a tradgedy has hit once more.

I was working out on Tuesday morning and saw a news article on the news about a little boy (only 5 years old) was killed in a house fire and his Mother and two police men injured. And, you know what my reaction was I said to myself that -- Jenn no matter how crappy this is, it could be worse, that family is going to be devastated forever, losing a child and losing a child at Christmas... imagine how hard it is without Mom but imagine they are never going to have a normal holiday ever again. I said this to myself not in a schadenfreude way in that I was taking pleasure in other people's misfortune, but more in that it made me appreciate what I did have... like my Dad (even though I've spent most of my life disliking him, he's all that I have now).

I feel sooooooo guily about this thought because when I got to work I found out it was my manager's grandson that was killed in the fire. Absolutely tragic. I don't know what to say to her when/if she comes back to work (she's close to retirement age). I feel so guilty when I hadn't even really thanked her for being there... she was one of the people that was there when I found out my Mom had coded and having my medical background I knew my Mom was going to die. It kinda imprints on you and she was very caring and understanding at the time.

I mean what do I say? - when work was one of my refuges from thinking about Mom and now it looks like there is going tobe a huge dark cloud in our office for a long time coming? How do I talk to her when this has made me so selfish, turning in onto my own grief and just thinking about my own Mother? I mean when we had the initial meeting when we as an office was notified and later when the grief counsellor came in, all I wanted to do was run... an act of self preservation? I mean is it ok if I don't wish to participate in these sorts of grief meetings? I know people know what I;ve bee through and I've told my other managers that I want the details to the visitation/funeral but I really don't think I'm going because I just can't handle it. I've been to 3 other funerals since Mom passed (two withi the first week of her passing, those were okay because I was still numb) but I went to one in December and it was just too soon and bawled silently through the whole service... now this is going to be so crazy and sad with a little one I just don't think it would be a good idea.

But it hasn't been all bad.. it was really nice because even with all of this craziness happening, I know that my co-workers do have me in their thoughts because quite a few came over to talk to me before we broke for the holidays because they knew it was going to be hard this Christmas.

Sorry again for the long post I just don't know what to do.

Jenn

"It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow."
-- Robert H. Goddard



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12/27/08 1:09 P

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Thank you for dropping by. I'm glad to be here, helping you helps me. Thanks

Emma




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12/27/08 8:59 A

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Hello all'

I'm just dropping in to say.."hello again"..this is a kind/caring group.. thank you for being here




win



day 1 again


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TWILIGHTMOM's Photo TWILIGHTMOM Posts: 3,040
12/5/08 5:49 P

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Yeah, Laurie, wait till DH is home...you need the support...we all do during the first times!

Twilightmom (Ann)

God never gives us anything we can't handle, with His help.



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12/5/08 1:12 P

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The holidays come if we are ready or not. I'm glad you have support.

Emma




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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
12/5/08 11:31 A

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Thank you Emma...I woke to a better day. I am worried about getting out all the Christmas stuff. Normally it would all be out by now. I HAVE to get it up as the grandkids are coming for Christmas. Much of my Christmas things are Santa's and stuff painted and made by mom. She was quite the tole painter and had her own business...so she made several things for us to put out each year.
Anyway, I thought I would do it Sunday when hubby is home so I will have support if I have a melt down.

Thank you. I am trying to hang in there.
Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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12/5/08 8:19 A

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Try to schedule Grieving time each day, for heavy duty weeping. Sometimes that helps avoid the odd bawling in public incident. You can't possibly know yet so I am warning you, stay out of the greeting card isle until after Christmas, those Mom cards can sneak up on you and tear you up.

Sometime I look at those cards to remind me of my loss (so long ago) but you are too soon. Keep working on this. You will succeed you are doing the right stuff.

Emma




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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
12/5/08 1:25 A

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I know for me I have my good days...but today was a real cruddy day. Bawled on and off all day long. But it hasnt even been a month since she passed.Hoping for a better day tomorrow!

Thank you everyone.
Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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12/4/08 11:12 P

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Grieving Done? How could it be? Are you ever done? You can put it behind you but eventually you get another pang no?

Emma




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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
12/4/08 7:16 P

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Thank you. Twilight and DEE831. I have been doing better but today is a rough day. Greiving is pretty much done alone I suppose.

Hugs
Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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DEE831's Photo DEE831 Posts: 2,607
12/4/08 5:48 P

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LAURIE U ARE IN MY PRAYERS

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TWILIGHTMOM's Photo TWILIGHTMOM Posts: 3,040
11/28/08 1:03 P

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Laurie, you're in my prayers.

Twilightmom (Ann)

God never gives us anything we can't handle, with His help.



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11/26/08 2:45 P

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Tell her that some folks get numb. It's a perfectly valid way to grieve it's hard to be so sad when you are so relieved. Her experience of your Mom her life, and her illness is different. It's likely she cried in advance.

Emm




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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
11/25/08 4:32 P

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My mother passed away November 11th. Today is my birthday. The first birthday I have ever had without my mom. She was always so eager to buy me a gift and wait until I called her to open it while we were on the phone.
Her death is so very recent and I find it hard to feel like it is a special day for me when she is not here.
The topic is How To Talk To People Who Are Mourning. It is hard for me to talk to anyone else that is mourning for mom when I am mourning too. I dont know what to say, and I know they dont know what to say to me either.
My sister is ok...I mean REALLY ok so far. Mom was so ill and it is such a relief to my sister that she has not even cried while I cannot stop crying.
It is hard for her because she feels guilty that she has not cried. I tried to tell her we all grieve in different ways and I KNOW she loved mom. That it is ok for her not to cry.
I feel like I am rambling and not making a lot of sense. Sorry. This has been another rough day for me.

Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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TWILIGHTMOM's Photo TWILIGHTMOM Posts: 3,040
11/25/08 1:16 P

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I agree. It really helps though when someone knows how to help, rather than "not help"! emoticon

Twilightmom (Ann)

God never gives us anything we can't handle, with His help.



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11/25/08 12:53 P

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Active listening yeah. That does help. It kind of like not saying anything though. In a way. I think it's kind of like weight loss. People can be supportive and kind and helpful but in the end we have to eat less and exercise more to make this change. With grieving it is similar, they can be supportive and kind and helpful but in the end the grieving is really our own. That's what I was meaning. Not that they couldn't help but they cannot (as much as they might want to) carry the burden. We have to do the work ourselves.

It's a spiritual process. Designed to help us grow ever more whole as we age to prepare us for our own time.

Emma




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TWILIGHTMOM's Photo TWILIGHTMOM Posts: 3,040
11/25/08 9:51 A

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I actually disagree. What other people can do is listen, actively listen...ask questions, keep us on track, and repeat what we say back to us. They can be non-judgmental...not tell us we should be here or there in our grief stages. This isn't really as simple as it seems, we all want to fix things so that our loved ones don't suffer so badly. And if that other person is grieving too, it makes it twice as bad. I'm very glad that DH and I lost our moms 6 years apart from each other. It also helps if the person has an idea of what is happening. These are some of the reasons I am finding growth and comfort with this team, people listen, don't judge and have a frame of reference when they share.
Thank you team. emoticon

Edited by: TWILIGHTMOM at: 11/25/2008 (10:03)
Twilightmom (Ann)

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11/23/08 3:47 P

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It is really up to us. We have to do most of it our selves. The hope is that people could be kind and sweet to us while we suffer. But there is nothing they CAN say to heal our pain. Nothing at all.

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11/23/08 2:29 A

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Its been a while since I last posted.Its' now 7 months for me ,dealing with the loss of mother.I have good days and I have bad ones.People have tried to be helpful.But, in reality ..there is only so much they can do to help.

Win

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11/9/08 6:27 P

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Thank you for the poem it is great. emoticon

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emoticon emoticon

Twilightmom (Ann)

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10/5/08 9:48 P

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It's a much better thread now that you have added to it.

Emma




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This is such a great thread.
The topic is timeless and the emotions are so pure.
I believe Minega said, "altruistic."
I loved the poem, Emma, and the link to the cliches.
When I was working, I always tried to convey that I truly didn't know what they were feeling, but that I had had losses and was willing to listen. I have to admit, my first patient that died after my mom did just blew me away. Thankfully for me, she was much older than my mom had been and nowhere near the same illness.
I do know that the patients families were often touched when they would see us crying when their loved ones died...unfortunately it wasn't always possible...health professionals tend to build a shell, just to protect ourselves. We try to work around it though, and not let it harden our innerselves. One of the things I was always proud of (and humbled by) was that, even among those whom I considered the best nurses on our floor, they said I was the one with the best ability to deal with families, especially those of the dying.

At one time when I was in school, I was working at a nursing home, the Director was a nun...totally devoted to her patients(to the exclusion of anyone else). My grandfather had a stroke and I told her I was going home. She told me that if he didn't die there was nothing I could do for him, and if he did I couldn't do anything for him so I should stay there and take care of the residents who I could help. I was so angry. Well, I told her I was going, and if she had to fire me, fine, if not I would be back as soon as I could. (I was probably really lucky...I had my job when I got back) He didn't die that time...but my family needed me. People can be jerks.

I know that my Mom isn't in the cemetary where her body was put, but I'm glad she's near her parents, and there is a place for my stepdad next to her(and I hope it's a LONG time before it's filled!!)
Well, it's time for me to stop today...my tears are coming and I just don't feel up to dealing with them today.





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9/27/08 12:26 A

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I'm so glad that help was available. My brother spread Mom right where she wanted to be.

Emma




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9/26/08 10:20 A

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I took my moms ashes to my aunt's in South Carolina
where she loved to be and I couldnt do it so aunt Pam moms sister spread moms ashes over her rose garden. Aunt Pam is gone now too and her ashes are there with her.

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6/5/08 3:24 P

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One day (if and when I ever make the time) I'll have to share about splitting up my mama's ashes - LOL oh my gosh, what a story. LOL

anyway, my sister is a potter and she made urns for all of us kids - herself, the 3 boys and myself and dad - my dad is going to my brother's in chicago end of this month and he'll be taking him his urn with some of her ashes and then he'll be spreading some of my mama's ashes at my parent's vacation property (decades of family vacations when we were little and as we all grew up with so many wonderful memories made there, my folks even lived there one whole year, got snowed in, and have many, wonderful stories about that year) in Silver Lake, MI. My mama wanted her ashes spread there until she realized it might be too hard for all of us to get there for that. Now, she can be with all of us and have her ashes there, too. She loved Silver Lake and that property - mostly I think becuz of the many years we all were together there, the kids (us) were young and life was so much easier for her.

Thanks for reminding me of all this.

Hugs,
Robin

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there

--Will Rogers



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6/4/08 11:13 A

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My Mom's scattered under a waterfall in Peaks Of Otter Virginia, I hope I'm able to visit her one day.

Emma




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6/4/08 10:46 A

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thanks - that's nice!! I feel so close to my mom when I hold the urn her ashes are in but I feel close to her, too - when I sit quietly and listen.

Hugs,
Robin

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there

--Will Rogers



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6/3/08 9:09 A

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I found away that I feel close to my mom and wanted to share it with you all. I find that looking up at the stars at night I feel closer to my mom.



If you set you mind to something there is nothing that you can't do.

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What a nice experience you shared here, ZANQUETTA and all that from a short handwritten addition to a sympathy card.

Thanks for sharing that - and Emma, I wondered where you got all your wonderful wisdom from!! :) Your momma, :) I should have known. You listen to her and translate well.

Thank you both for sharing!

Hugs,
Robin

Edited by: MINEGA at: 4/22/2008 (14:41)
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there

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4/21/08 8:37 A

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When Mom Died I got to call her friends. I called one of them and she told me that her Mom, Mom's best friend had died just 3 days earlier. I said to her. That's just like your Mom to go on ahead and get everything prepared. She said it was the nicest thing anyone had said. I think even then Mom was telling me what to say..

Emma




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One more thing on the "I know how you feel" note...

When I loss my mom last year, I probably found the most comfort in a card from a co-worker whom I actually did not know very well. Her handwritten note said that she hoped her parents were there to greet my mother at the gates of Heaven.

In such different and compassionate words, I felt that she just might know how I felt. It made all the difference in the world for me to come to that conclusion without her telling me what she knew.

In addition to bringing comfort to my darkest hour, her note sparked me to get to know her better, thereby making a new friend.

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4/20/08 11:36 P

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Despite everything, I'm still not sure I know HOW to talk to those who mourn, but my experience taught me that the absolute wrong thing to say is "I know how you feel..." I have learned that the best way to talk is probably to listen. Allow the person to say as much or as little as they need to in the moment.



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3/22/08 11:11 A

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Emma - thank you and your SP friend for posting that wonderful poem. I hadn't heard that one in a long time, we used it at my MIL's service and I'm amazed I had forgotten that one. I will share it with my family - they will like it - for so true it is, I believe when my mama passed, the angels in Heaven cried, "Here she comes!!" with Jesus at her side.

Blessed Holy weekend to you all,
Robin



Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there

--Will Rogers



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3/21/08 11:14 P

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Emma, Thank you so much for sharing that beautiful poem. I had never heard it before, and it was very comforting.

When I lost my mom, there were several things people said that were more comforting than others:

First, I loved hearing my mom's friends and coworkers say that they could look at me and tell I was my mother's daughter. It comforted me to know that even though she had passed away, a part of her lived on in me.

Also, it always makes me feel better when people who were close to my mom admit that they still miss her too. Too often there's that idea that you're supposed to "get over" the death of a loved one. It's comforting to know I'm not alone.

There were many other things people said that helped, but the main thing was just knowing they were there for me.

Hope everybody's having a good weekend.
-Lindsey



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I got this on my blog from NewSharen

Emma,
I have this poem that I have rec'd from numerous people over the past few years when my loved ones have died. It has brought me great comfort. Holidays are always a time of reflecting about people are no longer with us. I hope it helps.


I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"

And that is dying.




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3/19/08 2:25 P

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Thank you. What a bright and sunny addition you make here. You add one of those exotic flavors of ice cream to the team.

k

Even if you are on the right track you will get run over if you just sit there.

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3/19/08 12:42 P

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OH Wyldhearted, I can see what a loving, giving, caring soul you are. I remember seeing that when you first invited me to this team!! I am so like you. I'm reminded of this story about these little handicapped kids who were running a race.

All the kids started out, some with braces, some with a prosthetic leg or two, all with some disability. And some were getting close to the finish line and other's were way back, but as they all got close to the finish line, one little boy fell and couldn't get up. As the children neared the finish line, they heard him yelp and rather than finish the race, they all turned around and picked him up and carried him as THEY ALL CROSSED the finish line together.

The first time I heard that story, I knew that was me. I love a good competition, but I will sacrifice winning - I'm just not good at it. I want us all to win - I want us all to cross the "line" together. I don't mind if you win first - I just want us all to win. That's one reason why I love the friends I've made on SP - they are just as happy for me and my weight loss and they are of their own - how altruistic is that!!

You're awesome, and I'm so glad to see you around some more - I missed your bright sparkle. emoticon

Heartfelt hugs,
Robin

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there

--Will Rogers



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3/19/08 9:21 A

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*winks* I can be taught. I just want everyone to be happy. Hang in there :)

Even if you are on the right track you will get run over if you just sit there.

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3/18/08 3:59 P

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And I must say, "AMEN!" to you, Wyldhearted, this is not the topic for you right now . . . men, can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em . . .

We're here for you,
Hugs,
Robin

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there

--Will Rogers



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Heh, I'm so not going there right now. *L*

Even if you are on the right track you will get run over if you just sit there.

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3/18/08 8:58 A

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Sorry to use "MAN" like a curse. I've always thought it would be tough to be born all linear like that. Though men can achieve it. They have to work on it.




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3/17/08 6:50 P

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LOL - touche' Em - you are so right!! You are blessed to have a sensitive DH, and so am I!! It took me 3 marriages, but the 3rd time was the charm for me!!

Blessed day!! (I'm done and goin' over with my water!)

Love
Robin

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there

--Will Rogers



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3/17/08 3:48 P

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I hear this story and my mind says.. Yeah but he's a MAN. They are not as connected to their emotions generally except a few.. My DH for example.

Emma




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3/17/08 3:41 P

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Hey TEEJAY and HI everybody, you know TEEJAY, I suppose you're right, I do get hurt, too, and sometimes I get angry. It's just been a while since it's happened, I guess.

One time a guy caught me after a meeting and he went on and on about how many people he has lost and how he never cried (one was his mother) and I was just astounded at his "coldness" in his own life and that he thought I would want to emulate that.

As painful as it is to be a sensitive person - I like who I am and I wouldn't want to harden myself so that I wouldn't hurt as much - for then I wouldn't feel all the wonderful feelings I feel so deeply if I did that. But I must admit - it hurts to feel so deeply.

Have a great, blessed day,
Hugs and thanks for sharing yourself with me and us,
Robin

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there

--Will Rogers



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3/16/08 8:10 P

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Robin, When people say the wrong thing to me, I do get hurt, but I just walk away. I figured they just don't understand what I'm going thru until it happens to them. I have other people around me who are more caring than that person, which includes the ex-boss. He was a jerk anyway to everybody. Hope you had a nice weekend. TJ

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3/15/08 9:18 P

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I guess a good sub-topic here would be "When we're grieving, what to say to people when they say the wrong thing!" ???

That would be very helpful!!

HUGS
Robin

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there

--Will Rogers



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3/15/08 9:16 P

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You're all correct - however, I had a boss who WAS PROUD he missed all the birth's of his children - he said, my place was at work, and I'm proud of my wife that she did it alone and I'm proud of me I never missed a day due to children being born. Nice guy, eh?

The day my precious, beloved FIL passed away, very early that morning, I went in to take care of my work and planned on going to see my FIL as soon as I was done - I got the call he passed away and as I was driving away from work my boss saw me. He called me on my cell and asked "where are you going?" I told him Howard's dad passed and he said, "Well, the man can handle it himself, can't he?! He's over 50 for God's sake!"

After shaking my head in disbelief, I said, "yes, he could, but why should he when he has a loving wife who can help him?! Besides, I lost a loved one, too!"

I think Emma is right, tho. We must forgive anyone who hurts us becuz carrying a grudge or a resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

I like to remain happy, joyous and free!!

Thanks everybody for everything you're saying here!

And when you can't think of anything else to say - say "Thanks for sharing!" and walk away!!

HUGS,
Robin

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there

--Will Rogers



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3/15/08 4:53 P

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sometimes people just don't think

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Maybe we should look into things to say to help ease that foot out of their mouths. Offer them a beverage there is sure to be an aftertaste. I don't know but it would be easier if we had something in reserve.

Like I will get through this in my own time. Something to change the focus away from what ever hideous thing they've suggested.




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3/15/08 11:21 A

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Your right Emma, people don't know what to say and will offer any kind of help they may think is useful in their eyes at the time. We do need to forgive them for trying to help, and as you said failing miserably at it.

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3/15/08 12:58 A

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I think grief therapy is an awsome thing. He probably could have said it in a nicer way and maybe at a better time. We can choose to be angry at people who insert their foot in their mouths sideways, but it's the society people don't know what to say. They learned the "Replace" it make it better from their parents who likely replaced the hamster or the goldfish instead of dealing with the normal mourning. So they don't know what to say. Actually there are two things that are fairly okay to say...

I am so sorry for your loss, and please call me if there is anything I can do (and then back that up with action)

Loved ones cannot be replaced. not even animals, One dog is NOT just as good as another, one child can never replace another. You can gain additional joy from the new dog, child, husband but you never replace the other one. It is just not the same. Sometimes it's bittersweet and better.

No, when someone has a fresh loss that's not time to engage in long term thinking. If anyone says anything really terrible to you personally, I suggest you forgive them right away. because they are trying to be nice even if they are failing miserably. Most people try to be nice most of the time.

Emma




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3/15/08 12:23 A

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Gee, my boss should read this. When I called him to tell him I wasn't coming in because of my parent's car accident, he said, "Oh, I'm sorry. Here is the number to help you." It was a number to call for a counselor. I mean come on! I just got the news and he wanted me to see a shrink? Believe me I almost went thru the phone but I hung up on him and I felt good doing that! When I went back to work 2 weeks later, he didn't say much to me. He was kind enough to go to the wake. My way of showing sympathy, is giving a hug and holding them w/o saying a word. Because I know what they are feeling and there are no words to say. Oh yeah, the boss? He got fired!!! TJ

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3/14/08 11:42 P

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I know it is often hard to know what to say to people. Everyone is so different. For those of us who believe in a life after death for someone to tell us that our loved one is in a better place and out of pain can sometimes be of comfort, even though we are still hurting. Those who don't believe seem to just get angry.

I know a friend of mine was even more upset just after losing her husband. She was 21, had been married for two years and her husband was killed in a motorcycle accident. After the doctors told her a nurse came out to her and said "It's alright dear, you are young you will find another husband." She did indeed find another husband years after BUT at the time of just losing the man you love and expect to live your life with what the nurse said was TOTALLY wrong.

Thankyou for the putting the site up....isn't it just so true. When will people ever learn that everyone is different AND everyones relationship to their loved one is different so therefore our grieving for each person is different.

Jennylee

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."



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3/14/08 4:59 P

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Emma ,
thank you so much for sharing it with me...
Dee

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3/14/08 3:23 P

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Here's a link to an article about Killer Cliche's. It tells you what not to say.. That's helpful

grief-recovery.com/Articles/Killer_C
li
ches_about_loss.htm





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3/14/08 2:44 P

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HI TEAM!

I posted this excerpt from an article on the I Miss Her So Much thread. Then Em suggested we start a thread for how to talk to people who are mourning. What a great idea!!

I feel lucky that I read early on in my grief, what should and shouldn't be said to those who are grieving. I don't know that I do that well when talking to someone who is grieving, but it helped me to know when something said to me felt wrong, that I didn't have to take offense. They just don't know any better . . .

I'm hoping this thread can not only validate our feelings when someone is callous or thoughtless, but also may help us to educate others in what to say.

Here's the excerpt:
"Oh, now I get it. Now I grasp the idea." This kind of thinking and knowing is very useful, but it is not enough. We must also be able to release our grip, stop our mental grasping, and open to something larger. This is what we call not knowing. We need the mental flexibility to both know and not know.

Not knowing is important in interpersonal relationships. There is respect and reverence in communicating to other people that you don't know them, their life experiences, and their feelings. When some great loss occurs, you don't say, "I know how you feel." You don't know. All you can say is, "I'm so sorry." In not knowing, you honor their unique experience, their unique expression, and their unique truth. Rather than assuming that you already know them, you are more attentive and open to learn more about them. It is a vital, sensitive, dynamic way of relating.

In humility and gratitude to all of you,
Robin

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there

--Will Rogers



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