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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,996)
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5/25/10 3:14 P

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Dishonesty Doesn't Pay

One year, at Western, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go over to Toronto and party with some friends there during the Vanier Cup weekend. So they did this and had a great time.

However, with their partying and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Western until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find their Professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to Toronto for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

The Professor thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the Prof had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said:
(95 points) Which tire?

- Don A. Wicks, Instructor Graduate School of Library & Information Science Elborn College, University of Western Ontario

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MNNICE's Photo MNNICE Posts: 13,136
4/23/10 5:07 P

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With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our body. So we aren't "heavy", we are enormously cultured, educated and happy!

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror, I will think, "Good grief, look how smart I am!!!"

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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,996)
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4/22/10 11:40 P

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If you are 30, or older, you might think this is
hilarious! It's amazing how much things have changed in the last 30 years.
*************
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with
their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were
growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every
morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids
about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I
can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it
so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know
how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If
we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up
ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a
letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street
and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents
beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had
permission to spank us! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you
wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it
yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the
radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and screw it all
up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play
our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would
come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled,
Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were
on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's
it!

There weren't any cell phones either. If you left your house, you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to
be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY!!! Think of the horror... not
being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah,
right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the
phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your
parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection
agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your
chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games
with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little
square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you
could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster
and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find
out what was on! You were outta luck when it came to channel surfing!
You had to get off your rear end and walk over to the TV to change the
channel!!! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get
cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to
wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rats!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat
something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all
day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back
seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across
the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your
head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place.

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't
have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,996)
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4/21/10 12:09 A

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They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice ..
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,996)
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4/15/10 12:35 P

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An antelope and a lion entered a diner and too a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, " I'll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes."
"And what will your friend have?"
"Nothing," replied the antelope.
The waiter persisted," Isn't he hungry?"
"Hey, if he was hungry." said the antelope,"would I be sitting here?"


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,996)
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4/8/10 9:17 P

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Thank you from one of God's daughters to another! We are blessed!

Here's one I received today. It's long, but you'll understand!
***************************
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.



Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
------------------------------------------
----------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
------------------------------------------
-----------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
------------------------------------------
---------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-g ood-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------
------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
------------------------------------------
----------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------------------------------------
----------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
------------------------------------------
-----------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
------------------------------------------
----------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------
------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------------------------------------
----------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------------------
----
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren 't they fat enough?!
------------------------------------------
-----
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
************* ***************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
******************************************
*********
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
******************************************
*
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
******************************************
*********

Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 4/8/2010 (21:25)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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GATOR12's Photo GATOR12 Posts: 4,621
4/8/10 11:15 A

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ElyneMae--YOU ARE A JOY!!! GOD BLESS TODAY! bRENDA FROM MISSOURI! ONE OF GOD'S OWN ADOPTED DAU'S!

Brenda


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,996)
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4/6/10 1:01 P

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When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what had caused the accident. " I really can't remember," the snail replied. "You see, it all happened so fast!" emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,996)
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3/27/10 1:50 P

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Kid's Talk To God In Prayer

1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and
Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for
was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people
to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will
tell me.
Love Alison

5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene

6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses
his golf words in the house?
Anita

7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in
the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can
never do it.
Nancy

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
Glenn

9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was
a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If
you don't, who does?
Nathan

11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was
it an accident?
Norma

12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old
days and don't do any now?
Billy

14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer
camp this year.
Peter

15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other
so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK
with me and my brother.
Larry

16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come
yet. What's up? Don't forget.
Mark

17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but
it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha

18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you
my new shoes.
Barbara

19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just
know him through the business?
Donny

20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God
than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just
saying that because you are already God.
Charles

21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in
the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff

22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!
Frank

( And, saving the best for last )

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw
the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.
Thomas



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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MARIEBART's Photo MARIEBART SparkPoints: (94,738)
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3/21/10 11:09 A

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AGING ROCK STAR VIDEO

www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnPINGavPP0&feat
ure=PlayList&p=92312574A1E6459C&playne
xt=1&playnext_from=PL&index=47


Marie

"Our lives are a sum total of the choices we have made.” - Wayne Dyer

“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because
Those Who Mind Don't Matter
and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”
-- Dr. Seuss



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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,996)
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3/20/10 2:33 P

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To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are
our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is
something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to
His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve. we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering
why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you? " said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it! " Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that
Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern
was set and it has never changed.


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (55,996)
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3/18/10 12:29 P

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Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden......Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.


But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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3/14/10 1:19 P

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A Florida Squirrel Gets Religion

There were five houses of religion in a small Florida town:
The
Presbyterian Church,

The Baptist Church ,

The Methodist Church ,

The Catholic Church and

The Jewish Synagogue...

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were pre-destined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it.

The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But......The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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3/13/10 8:03 P

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A TRUE IRISH GHOST STORY

This happened a while ago in Belfast , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.

John Bradford, a 20 yr old Queen's University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....

"Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it."


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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3/9/10 1:06 P

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Never Be Late

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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3/7/10 3:18 P

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March 7

Laundry Complaint

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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3/5/10 10:28 A

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March 5

Allergy Medicine

During a revival, the visiting evangelist arrived without his allergy medicine.

Our pastor put him in touch with a doctor in our church for an emergency prescription to get him through the week. The evangelist was so appreciative of the doctor that during the last service, he recommended the doctor to the entire crowd. The ensuing laughter was a mystery to him until after the service.

That was when the host pastor informed him that he had just recommended the local OB-GYN.


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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3/4/10 2:10 A

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March 4

Undies

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them

Mom said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".

Susie said: " I know they do .... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/26/10 10:43 A

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My brother sent me this one.

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this: My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00. I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use 'But we didn't use them. ''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says. But we didn't go to any of those shows.’ 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I write a cheque and give it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. ''But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'' ''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.' 'But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. 'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/25/10 3:08 P

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Feb 25

Praying for Leroy

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for
Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday.




Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/23/10 9:58 A

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Feb 23

Wire Guard

Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire.

It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public.

Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me.

"Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/22/10 4:29 P

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Feb 22

A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as, "Take with food," and "Take with water."

At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.

Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook.

It read:

"Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/18/10 11:53 A

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Feb 18

Note From The Judge

During court one busy day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/17/10 11:38 A

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Feb 17

My brother sent me 4 in one e-mail today so here they are.
*****************

A veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist. One day,
one of his experiments paid off.
He successfully combined
The DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog. The result
was a small, round dog with orange-tinted fur.
For many years, the dog was happy. But over time,
he became lethargic and morose. The vet tried
everything to cure the dog's depression.
Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet
psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told the veterinarian
not to worry. The dog was just a little melon collie.
_____________

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After
she woke up, she told her husband, "I just
dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said. That evening,
the man came home with a small package and gave it
to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to
find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
_________________

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward,
to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher
asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my
hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear,
and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and
prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands,
stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday".
_______________
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do
you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"
replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me
give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil
is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the
father of lawyers,'... so I let it go...."



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/15/10 11:49 A

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A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/13/10 10:41 A

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Feb. 13

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year Ken would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair,

and Ken said,

'Edna, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Ken replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!' emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/11/10 11:38 A

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Retarded Grandparents

Ater Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchil

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/6/10 12:35 P

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Feb 6

The Bathtub Test.

During a visit to the senior’s home, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/5/10 3:05 P

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Feb. 5

Sound familiar?

A group of 40 year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because that would be a great idea since they had never been there before.



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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2/4/10 3:26 P

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During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Amerians, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues and wearing a name tag reading "Bear," the general's nickname.

As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom: "Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy bear."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/25/10 3:32 P

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Jan 25

I saw this one on another team.

Lying is a Sin

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."




Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/22/10 9:15 P

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This is a true story!

The only way they were able to get Sal off the list was by sending in a letter from his vet.

It's a civic duty many of us try to avoid - jury duty. But Sal Esposito has a really good excuse. He's a cat.

Somehow, Sal was placed on a list of potential jurors and his owners in Boston are having trouble getting him off of it. They tried mailing in an exemption form stating Sal doesn't speak English. But Sal was denied his exemption!

The only way they were able to get Sal off the list was by sending in a letter from his vet explaining he's a feline.


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/22/10 10:03 A

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On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet-cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my cornbread go?" he shouted.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/21/10 11:51 P

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Engine Trouble

A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/19/10 11:19 A

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Jan 19

This Week's Funny
Bee Flat

In a college music theory class one warm spring day, the other students and I were having a hard time concentrating. The heat was oppressive and a wasp buzzed threateningly above our heads.

The teacher—oblivious to the dive-bombing menace—continued lecturing while the rest of us dodged and swatted at the invader. Finally, it landed on one student's open book. With a quick slap, he snapped the text shut, killing the wasp. The professor, startled, looked up. "What was that?" she asked, annoyed. Thinking quickly, the killer answered sheepishly, "A bee flat."

—Paul M. Hampton, Cold Spring, Kentucky. Christian Reader, "Lite Fare."

Visit PreachingToday.com for more illustrations and preaching resources.

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/18/10 9:42 A

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This came to me in all caps. I didn't do that!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HI T THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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CINDYLOU58 Posts: 4,385
1/17/10 1:41 P

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emoticon

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1/13/10 10:28 A

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Blonde Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using

the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldGoofy
Sacramento


When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it

had & to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/11/10 12:55 P

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Jan 11

Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement

New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy.

You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.

Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.

The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.

Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".

Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.

To err is human, to forgive is against department policy.

Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.

If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for directions.

Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.

Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.

Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.

Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.

Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.

If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.

The speed with which you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.

Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.

Bullet proof vests might be.

Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/10/10 9:07 P

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"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "So that's why no one was at church today."

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/8/10 2:28 P

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Jan. 8

Wake Up!

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..it said...

"It is 5:00 am, wake up!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 1/8/2010 (14:29)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/7/10 11:25 A

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Jan 7

When short hemlines came back into fashion, a woman dug an old miniskirt out of her closet. She tried it on, but couldn't figure out what to do with the other leg! emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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1/5/10 11:27 A

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Jan 5

Prayerful But Unsatisfied

When our granddaughter was four, she came to the table one day in a disgruntled mood. She complained loudly about every dish on the table. Hoping to change the mood, her mother suggested that she give the blessing. After a sullen pause, she prayed, "OK, God, I forgive you for this food."

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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12/31/09 10:22 A

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Dec. 31

Drug Store Qurstions

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers: "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."

Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works."

Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
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12/30/09 8:31 P

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Dec. 30

My Duck is Dead


A woman brought a very limp duck to the veterinarian.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be unconscious or in a coma."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet walked to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, reached for the bill and read it.

"$150.00!" she cried, "$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20.00. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00." emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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12/29/09 10:48 A

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Dec. 29

DIRECTIONS

A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped.

We went in to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department.

"Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
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12/10/09 9:14 A

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Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.

As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday.

So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up.

As she settled into the car, her face dropped.

"Thanks a lot!" she sulked.

Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
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12/9/09 12:29 P

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Dec. 9

Hoofing Santa



Last year at Christmas time, I dressed up in my Santa suit and after greeting my children, my wife asked the kids if they wanted to take Santa to a relative's house.

They said yes.

So I got in the minivan and went to the relative's house. While at their house, my son started misbehaving, so I said in the most bass voice I could muster.

"Son, you better behave or Santa won't bring you any presents."

My innocent 5 y/o son turned to my wife and said,

"Mommy Santa's walking home."

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
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12/8/09 10:09 A

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Dec. 8
I thought this might help us stay on track so we won't feel this way after Christmas!-Elayne

Christmas Treats

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd not said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 12/8/2009 (10:10)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
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12/5/09 2:48 P

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Dec. 5

"Darn!" the man said to his pal while weighing himself in a drugstore. " I began this diet yesterday, but the scale says I'm heavier. Here,Norm, hold my jacket...It still says I'm heavier. Here, hold my Twinkies. emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
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12/4/09 4:05 P

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That's me!!! emoticon

Dec. 4

While drinking at the lake the young bear admired his reflection and growled," I am the king of the beasts."

Along comes a lion and roars, " What was that I just heard?"

"Oh dear," says the bear, "you say strange things when you've had too mush to drink. emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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10/5/09 2:28 P

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emoticon

Cleaning
Poem

emoticon

I
asked the Lord to tell
me
Why my house is
such a
mess.
He asked if I'd
been
'computering',
And I had to answer
'yes.'



He
told me to get off my
fanny
And tidy up the
house.
And so I started
cleaning
up...
The smudges off my
mouse.



I
wiped and shined the
topside.
That really did the
trick...
I was just admiring
my
work.



I
didn't mean to
'click.'



But
click, I did, and oops I found
A real
absorbing site.
That I got SO way into
it.
I was into it all night.

Nothing's
changed except my mouse
It's very, very
shiny.
I guess my house will stay a
mess...
While I sit here on my
hiney.

emoticon


"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius

"Be not afraid of going slow, be afraid only of standing still."...Chinese Proverb

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(¸ ;.•Von♥


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10/2/09 1:29 P

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Bump...moving this thread up!

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius

"Be not afraid of going slow, be afraid only of standing still."...Chinese Proverb

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(¸ ;.•Von♥


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3/8/09 1:30 P

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---------------------------
E-mail I received today:

SECURITY INFORMATION

GPS
A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that someone she knew had their car broken into while they were at a football match. Their car was parked on the green which was adjacent to the football stadium and specially allotted to football fans. Things stolen from the ca r included a garage door remote control, some money and a GPS which had been prominently mounted on the dashboard.
When the victims got home, they found that their house had been ransacked and just about everything worth anything had been stolen.
The thieves had used the GPS to guide them to the house. They then used the garage remote control to open the garage door and gain entry to the house. The thieves knew the owners were at the footb all game, they knew what time the game was scheduled to finish and so they knew how much time they had to clean up the house. It would appear that they had brought a truck to empty the house of its contents.
MOBILE PHONE
I never thought of this.......
This lady has now changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet... etc... were stolen. 20 minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says I received your text �Asking about our Pin number and I've replied a little while ago.'
When they rushed down to the bank, the ba nk staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text 'hubby' in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their bank account.
Moral of the lesson:
Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad, Mom, etc.... And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked through texts, CONFIRM by calling back. Also, when you're being text by friends or family to meet them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them. If you don't reach them, be very careful about going places to meet 'family and friends' who text you.
* I never thought about THAT! As of now, I no longer have 'home' listed on my cell phone.


"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius

"Be not afraid of going slow, be afraid only of standing still."...Chinese Proverb

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(¸ ;.•Von♥


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1/19/09 2:15 P

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'Twas the month after Christmas'


'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!





"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius

"Be not afraid of going slow, be afraid only of standing still."...Chinese Proverb

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(¸ ;.•Von♥


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1/14/09 5:40 P

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40 Tips for Better Life - 2009

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

3. Buy a DVR and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'

5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

6. Play more games and read more books than you did in 2008

7. Make time to practice meditation, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, OR issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16 Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

17.. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the NEGATIVE BLUES away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24 No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

26. Forgive everyone for everything.

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. REMEMBER GOD heals everything.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

31. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful

32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

33. The best is yet to come.

34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

35. Do the right thing!

36. Call your family often. (Or email them to death!)

37. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.

38. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

39. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about. I just did.
May your troubles be less, May your blessings be more, May nothing but happiness come through your door!

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius

"Be not afraid of going slow, be afraid only of standing still."...Chinese Proverb

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(¸ ;.•Von♥


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GUINEFORT's Photo GUINEFORT Posts: 6,132
10/22/08 12:02 P

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Share Humor, Jokes & E-mails here.

We have to maintain our sense of humor while we are on this hectic weight loss journey. So share anything especially diet, health related or any good e-mails you may receive.

Von

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius

"Be not afraid of going slow, be afraid only of standing still."...Chinese Proverb

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(¸ ;.•Von♥


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NEW_CHAPTER's Photo NEW_CHAPTER Posts: 1,386
10/8/08 9:14 A

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"Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine." - - Robert C. Gallagher

“Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Being willing is not enough, we must do.”
~ Leonardo da Vinci




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9/25/08 9:13 A

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Good one Lynn!
Thanks for sharing!

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius

"Be not afraid of going slow, be afraid only of standing still."...Chinese Proverb

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(¸ ;.•Von♥


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9/24/08 9:30 A

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"Most people are willing to change not because they see the light, but because they feel the heat."
- Barbara Johnson, from `Splashes of Joy in the Cesspools of Life'

“Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Being willing is not enough, we must do.”
~ Leonardo da Vinci




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9/11/08 12:13 P

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"The shortest distance between two points is under construction." - Noelie Altito

“Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Being willing is not enough, we must do.”
~ Leonardo da Vinci




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9/3/08 12:41 P

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LOL!! Love it Lynn! How true!

Yes AMJSATURN, It's in your spark mail.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius

"Be not afraid of going slow, be afraid only of standing still."...Chinese Proverb

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(¸ ;.•Von♥


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NEW_CHAPTER's Photo NEW_CHAPTER Posts: 1,386
9/3/08 8:57 A

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"I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart."
- - Earnie Larsen

“Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Being willing is not enough, we must do.”
~ Leonardo da Vinci




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AMJSATURN's Photo AMJSATURN Posts: 1,735
9/3/08 12:12 A

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40 Tips for Better Life - 2008

This is something I need to refer to daily.

Could you email this to me?





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9/2/08 12:15 P

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34 Uses for That Can of Soda, Other Than Quenching Thirst

emoticon
It's the Real Thing, it Adds Life, and You Gotta Have It, but that can or
bottle of cola can also work wonders in an emergency. The chemical soup that
makes up most commercial soft drinks not only makes them taste good and quench
thirst, but also make them effective cleaning agents, bolt looseners, paint
strippers, and possible skin softeners. More uses than MacGyver could think up.

And since most guys usually have a can or six lying around the house,
knowing what to use it for when trouble arises can save you big problems and big
money. Here is a list you should keep handy... Just in case.

emoticon
~ CLEANING

1. Clean Car Battery Terminals.
There's acid in almost all carbonated drinks. And that helps strip
corrosion from car battery terminals. Pour some soda over the battery terminals
and let it sit for a while. Wipe off the residue with a wet clot

2. Clean Your Dirty Toilet Bowl.
Got bad stains, a date coming over in an hour and no toilet cleaner? Pour
a can of soda into the bowl. Let it sit for an hour to let the phosphoric acid
work on the stains, then brush to loosen the dirt and flush clean.

3. Remove Rust Spots From Chrome.
If you have an older car that has real chrome trim, chances are there are
some small, and some not so small, rust spots developing on the chrome. Take
some crumpled aluminum foil, dip it in some cola and rub the rust off the
affected area.

4. Remove Rust Stains in Your Tub.
Remember how the phosphoric acid worked to clean the toilet bowl? The same
acid will remove rust stains in your tub. Soak a sponge (preferably one with an
abrasive side), in some cola and go to work on the stain.

5. Clean Grout.
Got some mold and mildew ruining the look of your shower? Soak a sponge
with Coke and work it into the grout. Rinse with water.

6. Remove Grease From Clothes.
Been working on the car all weekend and greased up more than just the
engine? Pouring a can of cola into your washer, along with your regular
detergent, is said to help loosen and wash away those grease stains.

7. Remove Milk Stains From Clothes.
Got milk? Soak the stain with Coke for about five minutes, then wash
normally. It should get the stain out.

8. Remove Blood Stains From Clothes.
I'm not going to ask how they got there, but if you soak the stain with
cola for five minutes then wash in your machine, the blood should come out. Even
dried blood that's been there for a while. (Don't tell the CSI.)

9. Clean Coins.
Got a thing for shiny pennies? Collecting state quarters and want them to
sparkle? Place your coins in a small dish and soak in Coke for a few hours.
Rinse and wipe to a bright shine. (I wouldn't recommend this trick with a rare
coin collection. Just in case.)

10. Clean Grease From Glass. Even Eyeglasses.
That same handy phosphoric acid removes grease and grime from glass. Even
dried hairspray from mirrors. Just rinse thoroughly with water after.

11. Clean Oil Stains From Garage Floor or Driveway.
Pour soda over the stain, let it soak in for a while, then scrub and rinse
off with a hose.

12. Clean Burnt Pans.
Forget a pot on the stove and now whatever was in it is seared to the
bottom? If scrubbing won't get it off, try this: boil some Coke in the pot and
the burnt-on mess should lift right out.
emoticon
~AROUND THE HOUSE


13. Loosen Clogged Drains.
If your sink is draining slowly and you don't have any drain cleaner in
the house, pour a 2-liter bottle of cola down the drain and let the acids go to
work on the clog.


14. Loosen Rusted Nuts and Bolts.
Soak a rag in cola and wrap it around the rusted-on bolt for a few
minutes. The acids and carbonation will help loosen it.

15. Make Flowers Last Longer.
Got your girl some flowers and you want them to survive through the week?
Pour about 1/4 cup of clear soda, like Sprite or 7-Up into a vase full of water.
Sugar helps them last longer.

16. Strip Paint From Metal Patio Furniture.
Want to refinish some outdoor furniture? Do it the right way and strip off
the old paint first. To make it easier, soak a towel in Coke. Let it sit on the
furniture for about a week, adding more Coke whenever the towel starts to dry
out. The paint should strip off easily.

17. Kill Slugs and Snails.
If these pests are invading your lawn and garden, pour a little Coke into
shallow dishes or jar lids and spread them throughout your yard. The sugar
attracts them, and, just like you remember from when you were a kid, the acid
kills them.

18. Greener Lawn.
It's rumored that spraying Coke on your grass will keep your lawn greener
into the fall months.
emoticon
~ FIRST AID AND EMERGENCIES


19. Relieve Nausea or an Upset Stomach.
According to The Doctor’s Book of Home Remedies, the syrup in Coca-Cola
can be used to cure upset stomachs. Just let leave the can or bottle open for
about 30 minutes first, until the soda goes flat. The carbonation could have an
adverse effect on your stomach.

20. Prevent Diarrhea.
Also found in The Doctor’s Book of Home Remedies, if you're traveling
through a country with a questionable water and/or food supply, drinking coke
could keep you from making constant "runs for the border". The acids in the soda
help reduce the amount of E. Coli bacteria in your intestines. This inhibits the
production of toxins that can cause diarrhea.

21. Relieve Constipation.
If you are, as the Germans say, Farfrompoopin, the caffeine from a can of
coke can have a laxative effect. Much like that morning latte.

22. Stop an Asthma Attack.
Just as an asthma attack comes on, down a couple of cans of coke. Some
sources say the caffeine can help prevent an asthma attack.

23. Ease a Sore Throat.
By gargling with soda you can loosen the phlegm causing the irritation.


24. Stop a Jellyfish Sting From Stinging.
The acids in cola seem to neutralize the venom in the sting. And pouring
Coke over the wound is better than having your buddy pee on it.

25. Get Gum Out of a Kid's Hair.
Want to score points with that single mom struggling to get gum out of her
screaming kid's hair? Come to the rescue with your can of Coke. Soak the kid's
hair for a few minutes, then rinse. The gum should come right out.

26. Strip Dye From Hair.
If you girl comes over crying that her new dye job turned her hair green,
wash her hair with Diet Coke. Apparently Diet Coke has the ability to strip
and/or fade bad dye jobs.


27. Get Rid of Skunk Odor.
Pissed off Pepè Le Pew and now you aren't allowed in the house? Sponge
down with some cola and hose yourself off. Again, those handy acids work to
neutralize the stink.

28. Use As a Moisturizer.
Mixing a capful of cola with unscented lotion is said to enhance the
moisturizing effects.

29. Keep People From Slipping on Slick Floors.
If you're having an outdoor get together and you're worried about guests
slipping on your back patio, try this old stagehand trick: use a mop to spread a
thin layer of Coke on the slippery surface. It'll dry slightly sticky and tacky.
emoticon
~DUBIOUS USES


30. Give Your Hair Shine.
Pour a can of coke over your head, work it into your hair, then rinse.
It's said your hair will be incredibly shiny. And impervious to slugs and
snails.

31. Mousse Alternative.
Mix equal parts coke and water in a spray bottle and mix well. After you
shower, spray a light coat of the mixture into your hair, then style. (I'm sure
having sugar in your hair all day won't attract flies or be uncomfortable at
all.)

32. Prevent Flatulence.
Adding a can of coke to a pot of pinto beans when cooking is supposed to
neutralize the gas-causing compounds. (Belching? Another story.)

33. Get a Darker Tan.
There are those who say rubbing plain coke all over your body gives you a
deeper tan. (There's caramel coloring in there, but I question the evenness of
the result, and how long it will last.)

34. Shell Hard Boiled Eggs.
Apparently, if you soak hard boiled eggs in Coke the shells will dissolve,
eliminating the need to actually have to peel them.
emoticon

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius

"Be not afraid of going slow, be afraid only of standing still."...Chinese Proverb

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(¸ ;.•Von♥


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GUINEFORT's Photo GUINEFORT Posts: 6,132
6/14/08 11:52 A

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E-mail I got today:

40 Tips for Better Life - 2008


1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. Buy a DVR and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

4 When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'

5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

6 Play more games and read more books than you did in 2007.

7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating any one.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

26. Forgive everyone for everything. now this is a tough one!

27. What other people think of you is none of your business.

28. GOD heals almost everything.

29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

30. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

31. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

33. The best is yet to come.

34. No matter how yo u feel, get up, dress up and show up.

35. Do the right thing!

36. Call your family often. (Or email them to death!!!) Hey I'm think'n of ya! =)

37. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.

38. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

39. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

40. A bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you forget to make the turn.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius

"Be not afraid of going slow, be afraid only of standing still."...Chinese Proverb

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(¸ ;.•Von♥


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NATTAR's Photo NATTAR Posts: 2,091
4/26/08 5:33 P

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New diet rules

1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet coke while eating chocolate, the calories in the chocolate are cancelled by the diet coke.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoos have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon.

10. Foods of the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and while chocolate. Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other.

Tarja
Self-discipline is when your conscience tells you to do something and you don''t talk back.







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2/18/08 5:30 P

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Our Pastor told us this and sadly I cannot remember it correctly. It was a couple's wedding anniversary. The wife said to her husband that she'd like a gift that goes from 0 to 200 in a matter of seconds. The day of their anniversary there was her gift. A scale.

I started 3/6/07 at 149. I have lost almost 22 pounds.

Co-leader of: 10-25 Pounds to Lose and Spark Fitness and Goal Buddies.


 current weight: 121.2 
 
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GUINEFORT's Photo GUINEFORT Posts: 6,132
11/9/07 10:55 A

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May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius

"Be not afraid of going slow, be afraid only of standing still."...Chinese Proverb

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(¸ ;.•Von♥


 current weight: 156.6 
 
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151.2
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135
GUINEFORT's Photo GUINEFORT Posts: 6,132
10/26/07 11:32 A

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GIVE A LITTLE ROCK TO A FRIEND.

I'm a little diet rock, As cute as I can be.
Although I'm sweet to look at, I'm both fat and sugar free.
When you get up each morning, Lift me high in the air, and set me on the floor 10 times, before sitting on your chair.
Please place me on the table, at the place you plan to eat. Then remember that I'm watching, What you do and what you eat.
When you are serving your plate, Please leave my section free, and I'll reduce the calories, by the space you leave for me.
After you have eaten, although I'm just a rock, Please slip me in your pocket and take me for a walk.
If you do this faithfully, then in a month or two, Although I'll be just the same you'll be a slimmer "YOU"
emoticon

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius

"Be not afraid of going slow, be afraid only of standing still."...Chinese Proverb

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(¸ ;.•Von♥


 current weight: 156.6 
 
156.6
151.2
145.8
140.4
135
GUINEFORT's Photo GUINEFORT Posts: 6,132
10/26/07 11:31 A

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Share Humor, Jokes & E-mails here.

We have to maintain our sense of humor while we are on this hectic weight loss journey. So share anything especially diet, health related or any good e-mails you may receive.

Von

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius

"Be not afraid of going slow, be afraid only of standing still."...Chinese Proverb

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(¸ ;.•Von♥


 current weight: 156.6 
 
156.6
151.2
145.8
140.4
135
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