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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
4/26/08 6:50 P

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This may not be best for our group...but it is funny.


SCOTCH AND WATER

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 68th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday,
I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender,
I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' Hello my fellow Canadians, the sun is shining brightly. have a super duper day......'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
'I would like to buy you one, too'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender,
I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
emoticon

Edited by: BKP4166 at: 4/27/2008 (02:23)
Kathy from Oregon

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It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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ACLINE9527's Photo ACLINE9527 Posts: 2,641
4/26/08 5:29 P

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Kathy, liked both of the little jokes today. Thanks for the smiles. Anna emoticon

Anna Loves The Lord


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HUMORPAM's Photo HUMORPAM Posts: 7,887
4/26/08 5:16 A

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Thank you for those Kathy!

My God Shall Supply All My Needs!

A winner doesn't always finish first.
Sometimes a winner just finishes!


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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
4/26/08 3:39 A

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A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

Five minutes later....'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to smack me,
can you bring a drink of water?'


OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES!!!!!

emoticon

Kathy from Oregon

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It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
4/26/08 3:37 A

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A police recruit
was asked during the exam,
'What would you do
if you had to arrest
your own mother?'
He answered,
'Call for backup.'



Kathy from Oregon

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60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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BULLFROGLOVER's Photo BULLFROGLOVER Posts: 894
4/25/08 7:29 P

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Guess a sense of humor is a must to get through life and the members of this team sure do have ones! Too funny ladies and gents, anybody got anymore? Marcie

Positive thinking rules!


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BKYJOH's Photo BKYJOH SparkPoints: (0)
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4/24/08 8:26 P

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Sitting here on my exercise ball laughing. emoticon

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ACLINE9527's Photo ACLINE9527 Posts: 2,641
4/22/08 9:36 P

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Kathy, these were unreal...lol. Anna

Anna Loves The Lord


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WANTS2CRUISE's Photo WANTS2CRUISE SparkPoints: (18,806)
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4/22/08 7:03 A

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This made me start my morning with a smile!

Count your blessings!
Vicky



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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
4/22/08 3:36 A

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Why Is Human Kind Doomed:
(those are from actual products)

On a blanket from Taiwan.
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists.
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On a Taiwanese shampoo.
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink.
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray.
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer.
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles.
OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer.
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of Fritos.
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap.
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding.
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife.
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. ( Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights.
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor.
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts.
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? And that's bad why?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

On a child's superman costume.
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box.
FITS ONE HEAD.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

On Boot's "Childrens" cough medicine.
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

On Nytol sleep aid.
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)



Kathy from Oregon

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60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
4/22/08 12:51 A

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Good one Susie...Us little old ladies need to be treated well. emoticon

Kathy from Oregon

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60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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ACLINE9527's Photo ACLINE9527 Posts: 2,641
4/22/08 12:29 A

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ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh U sure do have to watch those little old ladies:) Thanks for the laughs. Anna

Anna Loves The Lord


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HUMORPAM's Photo HUMORPAM Posts: 7,887
4/21/08 11:42 P

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That was really good! Thank you for my bedtime chuckle.

My God Shall Supply All My Needs!

A winner doesn't always finish first.
Sometimes a winner just finishes!


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MN_SUSIEQ's Photo MN_SUSIEQ SparkPoints: (0)
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4/21/08 10:48 P

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Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, You're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his Gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.


'What's so funny?' he asked


'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!
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