Being a compulsive overeater is harder than being an alcoholic in some aspects - I have been a sober alcoholic close to seven years and it is very easy to define - I have not had any alcohol during those seven years - coming to think of it it is a small lie involved there because I have had medicin with alcohol in it and I have taken communion... but I have not had a glass of drink that contains alcohol and that is good enough. There is a very clear line between drinking alcohol and not drinking alcohol.
But overeating - what is that? Among COE:S there seems to be millions of definitions and according OA you are free to define your own abstinence.
Yesterday I had breakfast and then nothing until six in the evening when I had a big meal -in fact it contained calories for two meals. I felt full - but later I also had cravings. AND it might be good to add that I ALWAYS have cravings in the evening wether I have eaten "perfectly" or not, they are worse when I feel like I have already lost it for the day and might as well go on eating.
Yesterday I felt that I had already gone wrong - the familiar thought of "Might as well go on eating and start again tomorrow crept in... but wait a little... how much was it really. I tracked it and found that I was still inside my limits, I still had consumed more calories than I had eaten. That thought kept me from making a cookie dough or some other that my pantry culd provide.
I am a little afraid to share this. I am afraid to be judged - "you are not in proper recovery, you did not have a healthy mealplan to follow and you ate too much at one meal".
I see recovery here in two important changes:
1. The inside feeling that I was not perfect did not take over, my tracking showed me that I was ok and did not have to continue to eat because "I have already blown it"
2. I did share all thoughts and opinion about this - mostly I keep it secret because I don΄t want others to give me opinions I can΄t handle.
It was progress and I consider myself binge-free... but I admit that I doubt my own definition.
But then again I doubt myself all the time, it is part of my disease and the best way I found to handle it is to share it and trust that I will be ok.
"Trust God and buy broccoli."
| March Minutes: 505