I literally feel like CRAP. there's just no excuse for how I act :(
I've been struggling with BED/bulimia for YEARS...while I usually have it under control (aka no enormous binges), the way I handle it is by constantly grazing, little nibbles here and there.. but the problem is that lately, it hasn't always been on *my* food.
I live in an apartment with two roommates, who are good friends and wonderful people and..I don't even know how to put it into words, I feel so ashamed. Sometimes when I've been in the midst of "I'm hungry and don't want to binge but it's not mealtime so I'm going to just nibble on something so I feel like I'm eating but not" I've taken something of theirs. Like a couple of almonds or a spoonful of nutella or something - -things that my awful disordered brain reasons they'd never notice were gone. And I've been totally fooling myself into thinking this was OKAY by using this mentality of "it's only a little -x-, they won't notice".
Except today I noticed one of my roommates had totally reordered her fridge... whatever, she's always reordering her stuff. Except that the almonds are way at the back...with a note that read "-my name-, please don't take my almonds".
Cue enormous reality hit. Then huge waves of guilt. Then more guilt. And guilt.
It's so WRONG that I don't even feel like I'm myself. What kind of person am I that I'm so sick and so self-absorbed that I could think it's okay to take someone else's food? My eating disorder's not an excuse. I feel really, really horrible and angry and upset and guilty and ashamed. I should have stopped myself. I should never have even done it in the first place.
I know some of you are going to say to just come clean with my roommate, except that where she put the container was in the back, underneath some other things, so the only way I could have even seen the note is if I was looking for the almonds (...yeah). So to address it, I'd be admitting I was looking for them again and I don't think I can do that.
Basically, I'm a steaming puddle of shame. Please don't think too badly of me for my actions... I know it's wrong. I knew it was wrong even when I was doing it, but I was ignoring it. Don't think I don't know how horrible that is.
| current weight: 286.0