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100MILLBUTRFLYS's Photo 100MILLBUTRFLYS Posts: 6,044
8/7/08 9:39 P

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Glad to hear it Tema!

"Some people are like a slinky, not really good 4 anything, but you can't resist smiling when you shove them down the stairs"
Everything Happens 4 a reason, even though you may not see that reason immediately.
“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.” ~Ann Landers http://www.beyondthewillows.


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ABRANNEWME2014's Photo ABRANNEWME2014 Posts: 51,125
8/7/08 6:26 P

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Thank you all for your advice it has really helped me

If You're tired or starting over stop giving up

Tema - Matteson IL

"Tenacity is the quality displayed by someone who just won't quit -- who keeps trying until they reach their goal. Anything really worth doing takes persistence, perseverance, and stubborn determination! I AM a Tenacious Jungle Tiger and these are my survival skills!!"

www.beachbodycoach.com/ABRANNEWME201
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HHHBYE Posts: 2,908
8/6/08 9:29 P

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I just came back from my holiday so I`m late for this one.

I hope you`re feeling better now, and have made up your mind about what your friend said, and why she says such things, and if you want to keep her around and talk things over, or just let her go.

About videogames and kids, and movies and violence. I do not think there is an overall "games are bad or games are good" rule. However I do think that games need to be age-appropriate and that children need to be taught core values that will prevent them from thinking that the kind of behavior that you see on a game is normal or acceptable.

There are some very basic things you need to know when choosing what to read or watch, for yourself and your family:

1. Your brain stores everything you do, and will use it if it deems necessary
2. By playing violent games or watching that sort of movies or books, you are training your brain to become "numb" to certain things, and creating a pathway of "reaction" to certain stimuli.
3. Long exposure to TV causes concentration disorders, especially on children.

To have an idea of how much a passing read of something can affect your behavior: "research into plane crashes has found that people who read the safety briefing cards are more likely to survive. These rituals that we consider an utter waste of time actually give our brains blueprints in the unlikely event that we need them" (Time magazine)

Taking this factors into account, I believe it is very important to monitor what we let into our heads, and what we chose to practice. There should be balance between entertainment and education, creativity and passive activities.

Little children should be away from TVs and learn to explore the world by themselves first. You should avoid watching TV while you eat, but most of all: don`t watch the news!.

Teenagers are not grownups yet, even though they would like to think they know everything (hey don`t we all). They can ascertain a degree of reality, cause and consequence and such basing on their previous upbringing. But they are not 100% firm in one spot, they are still fluid, and excessively violent games, movies and news reports can affect their perception of reality, leading some to behave like that crazy group that beat up a girl over a youtube video.

I believe you are a good mother, and a loving woman since you have adopted this kids. I do not know the intentions of your friend, or her reasons for feeling like she does. She might be projecting her own fears, or she might truly believe that games are bad. Whatever it is, you can make good choices for your kids. Give them good stories with ideals, dreams and such. Chose games for them that you believe have a message that you would like them to learn, and limit the time that they play war games to a minimum.

When they are adults, they can play what they want, and they will be more prepared for it. But for now, you probably want to point them in the direction of useful games, that will add to their development rather than making them "waste" time.

If you *think* you can do something, or that you cannot, either way, *you are right*


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SOHOJOSE's Photo SOHOJOSE Posts: 2,099
8/5/08 9:02 P

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Hi,

I'm sorry you're feeling bad about this. As a parent, I can sympathize.

Your friend sounds like someone who doesn't understand gaming. She probably sees some story about Grand Theft Auto and then thinks all games are like that.

It sounds like you are a great mom. You are involved in something that your kids enjoy and most important of all you are doing something together. The guiding factor in child development is parent involvement. It sounds like you have that part covered.

- Jose

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BUTTERFLY_MT's Photo BUTTERFLY_MT SparkPoints: (53,892)
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8/5/08 4:47 P

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Wasn't sure if your Dad was as weird as you....or if you just like exaggerating what some people do because they think it's right.

BTW, you're quite the character---did you play violent games as a child? (jk)

Edited by: BUTTERFLY_MT at: 8/5/2008 (16:45)
~MT~
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(formerly Mommy_T)
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Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.  ~Nathaniel Hawthorne


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DRWALKERIT's Photo DRWALKERIT Posts: 519
8/5/08 3:09 P

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I was purely joking. I make jokes when I am upset.

But seriously, Duck Hunt is a violent game when you count throwing the zapper at the hunting dog and yelling obsenities about his 8-bit mother in a vain attempt to destroy his pixilated self-esteem...

~ Don
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8/5/08 11:59 A

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are you serious or joking?

~MT~
Central US
(formerly Mommy_T)
Zahari Skyhorn, Elite Ranger Half-Elf, Corinthium

Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.  ~Nathaniel Hawthorne


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DRWALKERIT's Photo DRWALKERIT Posts: 519
8/5/08 11:57 A

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My dad didn't want me playing "Duck Hunt" when I was little cause it was too violent. So he sent me outside with a Magnifign Glass to entertain myself.
emoticon

~ Don
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JONQUIN's Photo JONQUIN Posts: 236
8/5/08 11:10 A

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I feel that you are an excellent Mom! Your friend is being a bad friend.
By watching my 14 year old boy grow up with a large variety of video games in his life, I really feel that an individual's personality is based on what they are born with and how people around them behaive. Children soak up everything and especially love to mimic or follow in their hero's footsteps. I think that since we were able to project to our son the difference between reality, tv and video games, that he has turned out great!
I would suggest to your friend that if she can't say anything nice, don't say it at all, especially in front of your children. If she can't abide by that rule, I would move on to a different friend. None of us, I repeat "NONE OF US", any age need any type of negativity like that.
The only time I would even consider her words as any close to valid is if she was trained in these matters AND was focused on this subject matter.

It's not the paths you choose, it's what you do with those chosen paths.


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100MILLBUTRFLYS's Photo 100MILLBUTRFLYS Posts: 6,044
8/5/08 10:09 A

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Tema, i wouldn't let your 'friend' bother you so much. I agree with most of what's been said here. I don't believe it's video games and tv/movies that make kids grow up to be violent. It's the lack of Parental involvement, abuse to the child, or a chemical imbalance that does this. Some parents just want a 'scape goat' as to why their child is misbehaving because it can't possibly be thier fault. While some rare cases it is the truth that video games do influence, there is generally A LOT more going on with the child.

My brother is 24, he grew up playing video games. the original NES. At any given moment you could find him playing Ninja Turtles or Operation something..now he plays PS2 RPG's. He's the most non-violent guy. He actually got into an argument that lead to his now ex-girlfriend almost choking him to death. He got charged with domestic violence because he didn't want to press charges against her. Now, let me tell you this girl has MORE than a few screws loose. Anyway.. just trying to show that video games alone don't cause violent behavior. You're a good mom, and like others have said, i'm sure if you ask your boys they'll know better too.
((HUGS))

oh and btw, i've got 3 children. all of them love to play their video games, my oldest plays poke-mon on her game boy, along with Naruto and Harry Potter, and also has Mario Super Smash brothers for her nintendo game cube. she's 10. most of the games we have are 'harm-less' for the kids. i have a couple of RPG's that i'll not let my daughter play until she's older but that's because of the strategy content behind it. She's just showing as a regular 10yo tomboy. nothing violent about her. She also studies martial arts. i'm sure that'd be fodder for your neighbor too. lol. anyway. My point is, the game alone, as long as your children have a good grip on reality will not cause them to be 'serial killers' or 'abuse women'.

sorry..ignorance really irritates the heck outta me. lol!

(((HUGS)))

"Some people are like a slinky, not really good 4 anything, but you can't resist smiling when you shove them down the stairs"
Everything Happens 4 a reason, even though you may not see that reason immediately.
“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.” ~Ann Landers http://www.beyondthewillows.


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TCROSS_17's Photo TCROSS_17 Posts: 147
8/5/08 5:41 A

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Tema, I work in a domestic violence shelter and I can tell you from first hand experience that it is not games or movies that are the cause of abuse. Many times it stems from bad parenting or a child being abused themselves at some point in their life.
It can also stem from other things such as mental health issues and chemical imbalances.
I agree with what someone already mentioned, do research on how these games can affect children and make the choices for yourself as to what they can play/watch. But for someone to say that your child will grow up to beat women is a statement made out of pure ignorance.
Can you talk to her about the way that her statements are affecting you? If so, I would definitely recommend it, communication is always a good thing... Also, maybe you can sit down with your children and talk to them about the games, see what their take is on them.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, you sound like an awesome Mom, and I suspect that if I asked your kiddos, they'd say the same thing :o)


"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." ~Anna Quindlen


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AKASHA66's Photo AKASHA66 SparkPoints: (67,831)
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8/5/08 3:34 A

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I also think you are a good mom bassed on what I've read that you have posted. Do a bit of research on the web on the subject and see what you really think yourself. I probably would have some kind of rules for my own kids about games, movies and music, but they wouldn't be completely unrealistic either.

My brother and I grew up watching any movies we wanted, no censureship of any kind and my brother had nightmares from some of them. It didn't bother me as much.

Every kid is different, but even in terms of having nightmares and thinking there are monsters under the bed, and dead people under the bed, a lot of this could have been prevented by a bit of commonsense censorship on my parent's part, and would have made my brother's childhood a lot less stressful.

"Cueillez dès aujourd'hui les roses de la vie."





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BUTTERFLY_MT's Photo BUTTERFLY_MT SparkPoints: (53,892)
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8/4/08 3:43 P

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Yes, I would say that your case is an extreme one, and I would like to point out that he was exposed to a lot more than just some violent video games. That's way more than a kid needs to be exposed to, and he will probably have issues with sexual things later in life as well, which is HIGHLY unfortunate. It just isn't good to expose kids to that stuff so early.

I actually remember a kid acting like he was a power ranger once....and that's a kids' show!! So, it really depends on the kids.

~MT~
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Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.  ~Nathaniel Hawthorne


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LIFEANDALL's Photo LIFEANDALL SparkPoints: (0)
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8/4/08 3:40 P

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So I guess we should stay away from Christian Bale? That was just embarrassing. How often does someone's own sister and mom call the cops on them? Wow! Let alone during a major movie premier. Oh well.

Hang in there Tema. Sometimes the comments from our friends hurt the most because they are closest to us. We let them past our defenses so they have the ability to hurt us the worst. Believe me, I know the sting.

Remember, you ARE a good mom.

Edited by: LIFEANDALL at: 8/4/2008 (15:39)
"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there" - Will Rogers

"I'd rather be running a marathon than playing Bomberman Live with Chris."


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8/4/08 3:34 P

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Im not a mom so I cant really give my opinion because when I have kids it may change... but what I can tell you is that my 24 year old fiance has played video games since he was very young. His parents didnt censor a lot of what he watched or played so I am sure there were some pretty violent games in the mix... he is the most calm, non violent non aggressive person I know. He barely even raises his voice when we are in a heated argument. Every person is different but my fiance was not affected by playing "violent" games.

And I also heard once that you can tell how a guy will treat his girlfriends by the was he treats his mom...

"I know God won't give me more than I can handle;
I just wish He didn't trust me as much" -Mother Theresa

"We can't become what we need by remaining what we are." - Max Dupree

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8/4/08 3:32 P

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I have been guardian of my nephew for 8 1/2 years. He came to me when he was 7 and had no censorship whatsoever from games or movies prior to living with me. (He could take you to the X rated movies in any video store in the city where they lived and could describe what was going on in the videos...)
My nephew is a trouble kid and has been for a very long time. He is bipolar and has ADHD and has recently been diagnosed with personality disorder and is well on his way to being a sociopath according to his psychiatrist so take what I have to say with a grain of salt.
My nephew has always had problems with video games and becomes obsessed with them and can actually get "locked" into the vidoe fantasy world. We have always monitored his gameplay and his games closely. With him, the more violent the games he played the more violent he became toward people, animals, in expressing himself and in his dreams. We always had him on age appropriate games as the violence increases with the rating and he hated it! Currently, he is not permitted to play any games on any system due to his obsessions with the games and the lengths he will go to to play them. He is closely monitored on the PC as is his gametime and the way he is acting.
Your boys don't sound anything like my kiddo but I always think it is a good idea to watch kids and how they react to games. I think ratings are there for a reason but it is up to each individual family on how they enforce ratings with their children and how much time the kids play on the games.
I don't necessarily think that just because kids play games with violence in them that they will be violent but I do think it is our responsibility as parents to make sure they don't get so much they are desensitised to all the violence and the consequences of their choices in real life.
I don't think that my situation is very common but it has made me much more dilligent in looking for symptoms of esposure to video games and their content in my nephew.
Let me say, I don't agree with your friend. Each case is different and has to be handled by the parents in a appropriate manner for that child.

I don't want to be a passenger in my own life. - Diane Ackerman

The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis. - Dante Alighieri

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain. - Maya Angelou

It is forbidden to decry other sects; the true believer gives honour to whatever in them is worthy of honour. - Asoka

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8/4/08 3:26 P

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First of all, you are the mother, not her...and if she doesn't back off with you telling her kindly, you might want to CAREFULLY consider the "whore" thing....and then explain that you don't think that's the case, but it is an example of how you feel when she says that stuff to you.

As for the video games--the MOST important thing is: Do the kids understand the difference between reality and fantasy? Do they understand that the games are fantasy and not something done in reality?

I might recommend that the shooters be against some alien force and not something that looks/is human, to reinforce the fantasy concept.

The main thing, though is how your kids are able to handle it. I believe some are able to deal with it and some aren't, it all depends on the development of the child and what that child is able to handle, just like some people love horror and others (like me) are scared of the borg (sometimes--they're not always scary..lol.)

~MT~
Central US
(formerly Mommy_T)
Zahari Skyhorn, Elite Ranger Half-Elf, Corinthium

Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.  ~Nathaniel Hawthorne


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ABRANNEWME2014's Photo ABRANNEWME2014 Posts: 51,125
8/4/08 3:25 P

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Thank you i just can't stop crying now...and i'm really thinking about calling my therapist...that's how disturbed i feel right now...I'm online because i get comfort in talking to you guys and gals...thank you for making me feel betters...(drying my tears now)

If You're tired or starting over stop giving up

Tema - Matteson IL

"Tenacity is the quality displayed by someone who just won't quit -- who keeps trying until they reach their goal. Anything really worth doing takes persistence, perseverance, and stubborn determination! I AM a Tenacious Jungle Tiger and these are my survival skills!!"

www.beachbodycoach.com/ABRANNEWME201
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LIFEANDALL's Photo LIFEANDALL SparkPoints: (0)
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8/4/08 3:19 P

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First off, you are a great mother. You talk about your kids in almost all of your posts, which leads me to believe you love them more than anything else in the world.

Second, this crazy "friend" needs to back off. Nothing you can really do because I have "friends" like that too. They bug the living daylights out of me. But, they are still "friends" and I don't want to write them off. People need to realize there are certain areas that you just don't talk about...people's kids and people's mammas are the two biggies.

The games you mentioned seem pretty straight forward for an 8 and 9 year old boy. There are mixed theories about how it effects kids, so you just do what you think is right as a parent. Do the research and make up your own mind. If you see it is altering their behavior, you may need to make adjustments.

You're doing great. Keep offering your boys love and be there for them.

"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there" - Will Rogers

"I'd rather be running a marathon than playing Bomberman Live with Chris."


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ABRANNEWME2014's Photo ABRANNEWME2014 Posts: 51,125
8/4/08 3:08 P

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I just need to vent and get some advise...Today my heart is just breaking and i'm so sad...I have a friend who keeps telling me negative things about one of my sons...things like he's going to take advantage of women...b/c he to cute...Huh?...stupid i know...then she says that he's going to beat women b/c he likes violence...b/c he play violent video games...Well he plays things like smackdown raw, naruto, and stranglehold...and Metal gear solid 4...and other shooting games...and she thinks he's going to grow up and beat on women....this s%%t makes me mad...first of all I adopted all my kids b/c I saw them in situations that I wanted to make better...I have always advocated for kids...I don't want to give him the kind of life that I think will make him aggresive and negative and have no one want to be bothered with them...I love my kids and want them to be the best they can...she seems to think because they play video games....that it will be impossible for them not to grow up aggressive...My sons are not fighters they are actually quite scary to be honest...and i just don't think them playing video games will make them monsters...She has a daughter who is two yrs old who passionately kisses everyone she meets...the baby doesn't know any better but if i told my friend i think she's going to be a whore she would rip my head off...as she should...So my question to anyone who reads this is at what age is to young to play these types of games...could she be right...might they grow up to aggresive...this then is what makes me feel bad...b/c I'v always wanted to better a child's life not make it worst...then i feel like crap and also feel like a bad mother...is there research about kids being bad after playing video games...are they two young...they are 10 and 9 what do i do now...how do i stop thinking these ridiculus thoughts of being a bad mother...I FEEL LIKE I NEED THERAPY NOW...SHE HAS MADE ME FEEL LIKE A FAILURE...THANKS FOR LISTENING

Edited by: ABRANNEWME2014 at: 8/4/2008 (15:07)
If You're tired or starting over stop giving up

Tema - Matteson IL

"Tenacity is the quality displayed by someone who just won't quit -- who keeps trying until they reach their goal. Anything really worth doing takes persistence, perseverance, and stubborn determination! I AM a Tenacious Jungle Tiger and these are my survival skills!!"

www.beachbodycoach.com/ABRANNEWME201
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