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Some good thoughts. I especially liked Sam's comment about changing herself. That is the only person we can change, unfortunately. (or is it fortunately?)
LEAN_MOM - so sorry that you are going through this. It is an awful feeling to not only feel unappreciated, but to feel unloved in some ways as well.
You ask if you have to tell your husband, if it doesn't feel natural for him, if it will feel forced. Good question. But, things that do not come naturally to us can still be learnt! We just have to put in the effort.
I strongly suggest you let your husband know what you have told us - how much a little gift or card would mean to you - and how much hearing how much he appreciates you would mean to you. He needs to know. He may have no idea of how you feel, and then you feel more and more resentment, and he doesn't have a clue that you are feeling upset with how things are.
All the best to both of you!
God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna
Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1
I had the same "problems" with my husband earlier in our marriage. Notice I said I had - he did not change - we've been married 32 years. I would love to get flowers now and again, but don't. So what changed? Me - I finally decided that he was not going to do these things. Yes, I know that he loves me. He does that in so many other ways.
BUT 3 years ago he did something amazing! We started taking ballroom dance lessons together. I know it was not something he wanted to do, but he did it for me. We are still taking lessons, and now he enjoys taking them too - so it's been a good situation. Regardless he showed me how much he loved me by going outside his comfort zone.
Would I still like to get flowers now and again. Sure, but I;ll take the rose when we learn the tango!!!
You don't stop laughing. because you grow old, you grow old. because you stop laughing!
My husband is the same way. He is not one to really show affection. He used to when we were dating he was the most romantic but we've been together 8 years on the 8th of March and we will be married for 7 years on October 2nd. I know when it comes times for Valentine's Day or our anniversary I simply ask him if we are going to do anything. We usually don't exchange gifts on those days but I do ask him and let him know I would like to do something. Sometimes it is the only way that we can go and do something. He never really thinks of it and tells me when I want a date night to tell him and we'll work it out. He told me himself he doesn't think of it. You may just have to ask him. I've complained and that is how we work it now.
I don't know if this helps but sometimes men just don't think the same as we do. We think of all the small things where the man unless he is trying to get you don't. They only do when they want to get you and then they forget all that when they have you lol. But sit him down and talk to him. Tell him your concerns and how you are feeling, sometimes that is all that is needed.
Height 5'4" (I got myself remeasured and the nurse at the health fair was wrong. I didn't lose height. Thank God.
cw - 131
gw - 120
ST 3x week at least
Cardio 5x week
So, I was right, my husband did absolutely NOTHING for our anniversary, and we ended up going out to dinner at McDonald's just to make our daughter happy. We drove up to Applebee's but she threw a fit.
And for those of you who recommended The Five Love Languages - guess what? I believe one of my top love languages, if not the highest, is Gifts. Another top one is Physical Touch. I'm getting NEITHER from him.
But I feel so selfish to come out and ask for a gift. I may as well buy it myself. I want HIM to put some thought into it and surprise me. Even if it's just a well-thought-out greeting card. He didn't even get me a card.
Yesterday I slaved in the kitchen (which I said I did NOT want to do on Friday, our anniversary...so we wound up at McDonald's) and made an amazing steak dinner with real mashed potatoes and sauteed mushrooms and onions to top the steaks. And I actually cooked the steaks right, and didn't overcook them. That was the anniversary dinner we didn't get on Friday. I had also spent pretty much all day yesterday cleaning the house. I even washed ALL our bed sheets...including the dog's bed covers! And I cleaned the toilet brushes and holders. That was disgusting. He doesn't appreciate any of it, or at least he never says so.
I know he loves me. He does show it in certain ways. He has supported me through a lot of crap, and he really shined at the worst of times. But I really need him to express his appreciation for me. I guess I just need that boost. How do I tell him this? And if it doesn't come natural to him, would it just be forced, and not real?
Edited by: LEAN_MOM at: 2/28/2011 (12:53)
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