Author: Sorting Last Post on Top ↓ Message:
CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,999
2/22/11 11:50 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Great thoughts!

I suddenly remembered a great book that my dh and I have read together - it is called the "Five Love Languages". And it makes total sense! The author's premise is that we all love, but we all love in a different language. When we 'speak love' to others, we use the language that we understand. That is okay, if our spouse also speaks the same language, but does not work at all if we speak different ones.

The languages are:
* gifts
* acts of service
* physical affection
* words of affirmation
* quality time

If I am 'gifts' and my husband is quality time, he will want to spend time with me and do special things together. I will not feel loved, though, unless he makes me a card, sends me a love note, or buys me an inexpensive (or expensive!) gift.

In the same way, if I need words of affirmation (positive comments, praise, etc) to feel loved, but dh prefers hugs, kisses, and caresses, neither of us will feel appreciated or loved unless we realize how we must show that love to our spouse.

My dh is totally acts of service. I have come to realize that if he scrapes the ice off my car in the morning so I don't have to, that he is showing me he cares. However, he rarely sends flowers or cards or gifts. Likewise, I need to tell him I love him by doing things for him like picking up the house, washing his shirts for him, cooking a nice meal, etc.

The book is by Gary Chapman. Others may appreciate it as well.
Please note, that Mr. Chapman is a Christian man, and occasionally offers examples with a Christian perspective. If you prefer not to read a book that mentions the Christian faith occasionally, this may not be for you.

cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




474 Days since:  compulsive overeating
 
0
125
250
375
500
KJURGIEWICZ's Photo KJURGIEWICZ Posts: 729
2/22/11 1:30 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I can completely relate. When we were dating my husband did all kinds of romantic things for everything and now there really isn't anything that he does. Usually for Valentine's Day and our Anniversary we go for dinner and that is fine with me. This year though for V-Day we really didn't do anything. He knew I was upset. My daughter slept over a friend's house this past Sat and I asked him if he wanted to do anything and he said no. I figured he was going over his friend's house like normal so I told him that I was going out shopping and for dinner wtih my friend Cathy. He said ok no problem. Turned out he stayed home from his friend's house and went Sunday instead. i don't know if he did it for me or not but we did have a nice time when I got home.

I agree. Tell him how you feel. I know I've had to say to my husband when he says no he doesn't want to do something. Sometimes it is just too many bills at that time and he doesn't want to admit that he doesn't have the money. It may simply be a pride thing.

I know my husband isn't as romantic as he used to be but sometimes you need to push them a little to at least get a little bit of emotion out of them. At least that is how my husband is. He loves me but he does not show it all the time. Also sometimes watch for some small things he may do that you don't realize. I noticed that when i'm really stressed out (esp with my father so sick and not having a job) he might make plans and go and do something with our daughter so I have some time alone or start to pitch in a little more in getting my daughter to do what she is supposed to rather than just leave it to me. Sometimes something just as simple as if I'm taking a bath and my daughter who is 10 wants something tells her to leave me alone and does it for her instead. Those may be ways he shows it as well. My husband made me feel better the one day by the part time job I have to supplement the unemp. when I said I didn't want to do it all the time he said he wouldn't expect me to as I'm too good to put up with where I'm at. Sometimes it's those small things that you have to look at.

Kim


PLAN:

Height 5'4" (I got myself remeasured and the nurse at the health fair was wrong. I didn't lose height. Thank God.
cw - 131
gw - 120
Cal 1200-1550
Fat 27-60
Carbs 135-252
Protein 60-136

ST 3x week at least
Cardio 5x week



 current weight: 119.0 
 
130
126.75
123.5
120.25
117
MSTIGGERFAN's Photo MSTIGGERFAN SparkPoints: (59,059)
Fitness Minutes: (16,656)
Posts: 12,783
2/21/11 9:54 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I agree with CJ that you need to ask him and make sure that's how he feels. As for me I don't want my hubby to spend the money on cut flowers for me as well because they always don't stay good that long but I do always get him a card from the kids and we buy our kids small things from us for Valentine's day. As for our anniversary it is the same day as our son's birthday so we always celebrate it instead of the anniversary. We always wish each other happy anniversary though. Good luck and hope things change for you.

Cherly
I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me Philippians 4:13



 Pounds lost: 0.0 
 
0
28
56
84
112
CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,999
2/21/11 5:48 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. My dh bought me some chocolates, and got us some funny matching boxer shorts as a joke, but he was thinking of me ...

However ... I got him nothing. I don't know if I hurt his feelings or anything, but I certainly didn't mean to. I know he does not like cards, so purposefully did not get him one. Also, he is not a chocolate fan. I suppose I could have gotten him flowers, but he thinks they're a waste of money. See my dilemma?

I'll have to 'surprise' him with some lingerie one day and plan an intimate evening or something to make up for it.

The only think I can think of in your situation is to make sure, first of all, that it bothers you that he does not care to celebrate. Even if you are low on funds right now, you can still have a candlelit dinner for two at home. Have a bath together, with candles around the bathroom. Also, you can just spend time talking, or rent a movie, etc. Give each other massages, write love notes. It doesn't have to be expensive, but he needs to know that you wish to do something with him!

Have you asked him why he is reluctant to celebrate? I wonder what his reasons are.
It might just be because he lacks imagination for non-expensive things. That's where having some ideas in mind might help.

cj


Edited by: CJBAGGINS at: 2/21/2011 (17:49)
God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




474 Days since:  compulsive overeating
 
0
125
250
375
500
LEAN_MOM's Photo LEAN_MOM Posts: 356
2/21/11 4:59 P

Send Private Message
Reply
I got nothing for Valetine's Day except a handmade card from my 5 year old daughter, which I do cherish. But absolutely NOTHING from my husband. I know we're broke but he could have done something for me, or at least shown some affection.

Our anniversary is on Friday. I was talking to him about going out to dinner, and basically he doesn't want to go. We agreed no gifts because we're broke. So what the heck am I going to get from him to say that it's our anniversary?

I don't need diamonds, or roses, or anything expensive. I just want to know that he gives a d@mn.

Page: 1 of (1)  

Report Innappropriate Post

Other Married Life General Team Discussion Forum Posts

Topics: Last Post:
Self-Love is Not a Crime: Learning 2 Love Yourself 7/15/2014 5:26:40 PM
I FEEL LOVED WHEN… 9/7/2014 8:15:05 PM
Interesting article... .opinions? 8/11/2014 4:18:08 PM
How are you working at your marriage this week? 6/15/2014 6:44:00 PM
Fireproof Your Marriage 12/27/2013 5:05:51 PM

Thread URL: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_messageboard_thread.asp?board=0x11877x40074801

Review our Community Guidelines