It sounds to me like what is needed is for your husband to stand up to his daughter and start to parent. He seems to like to run away from situations much too often. You are correct, you should not put so much into fear of having the 12 year old over. Obviously, it can be very difficult to instill anything into her now, like the makeup she wears, how she talks on the phone and other things without throwing a fit. My theory, I have an evil step mother myself, you need to let your husband do all of the disciplining and just ignore her presence. She seems to be looking for some attention from him that she is apparently not getting and is jealous because you seem to be receiving it. When two people are together and supporting each other then have children, the children understand the natural order of things (mom and dad putting each other first). When you take two people who were married (and it sounds like a difficult divorce as well) and were unhappy and get divorced, the child then feels they should be the number one in the parents' life. When the parent turns their attention and affection elsewhere, it is very difficult for the child to understand this. They can feel betrayed, neglected, unloved and unimportant and will cry out for attention, sometimes negative will do just fine.
What seems to me that would work, is for your husband to go to counseling with her and discuss THEIR relationship and how it has changed. He needs to confront the situation and maybe you should suggest that he takes the time off to be with his daughter, plans to take her to work with him or something to that affect so it isn't about seeing you, which is really just going to make her more upset. Also, I understand your being upset about the Easter holiday, but arguing will obviously not do any good. What I would suggest is that you go with a girlfriend or even your mom and children on the vacation and plan to leave your husband and his daughter on their own. This would probably be the best thing for both of them in this juncture. Then he can't throw you in between and he has to deal with her head on. Let him know that it is fine if he wants her to visit, but you planned on relaxing that week and if he would like to spend time with her, you will be more than happy to relax with a friend while he does so...
I realize that it is frustrating and very much a difficulty, but one thing that always helped me was the following phrase:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference
You are not in an easy situation and the hardest part about it is that you aren't really in control of the outcomes. The only thing I can suggest is that you talk to your husband and let him do the dealings with her. Talk to him about setting up the groundwork when she arrives, like how she is to speak to people and such, that she is to be respectful and if she isn't, there will be "this" for a consequence. But most importantly, before that, he needs to let her know that he AND YOU are happy that she is visiting, that you have missed her and love her. That you are looking forward to a pleasant visit and enjoying the time with her. And ABOVE ALL, don't let her smell your fear!
| Pounds lost: 0.0