Step parenting is hard. We have a similar situation, hubby is the custodial parent of my stepson and he is 13. His mom stopped making payments and is now working under the table. She has addiction issues and lacks manners and anytime hubby grounds SS she disregards it. We send her football schedules and the password for his grades on line but otherwise, we do not speak to her. If he's making a bad grade, we do not tell her. If he gets detention, we do not tell her. It only puts her in a position to belittle hubby's discipline. When SS is grounded, visitation days do not count. You can not control what goes on when they are with their other parent and furthermore, it's near to impossible to stop visitation and if you did the fall out with the child would be awful. You have to stop worrying about what you can not control. If the other parent lets them run wild in their home then fine, but that doesn't mean you have to allow it in your home.
I suggest you and your hubby sit down and come up with rules and expectations you have for you SD when she is with you. Ya'll need to be united and come up with reasonable expectations and agree to both enforce them to the letter. THEN sit down with your SD and establish that she has two different homes. Her mom's rules are good for her mom's house and your rules are good for your house. Tell her what your expectations are and even give her a few chores. Write it down on a peice of paper to put on the fridge if you want, even the whole family can have little expectations.
Of course she is going to break your expectations right off the bat, in which case, no you can't spank them if you did not raise them with spankings. Instead you are just going to have to tell her that she has broken a rule and her behavior is unacceptable and then you'll have to take away video games, then TV, then playing with toys ect. It will be miserable at first. Some things may get physical if she's not willing to hand over those handheld games and cell phones. You'll just have to take it from her but remain calm and tell her you can not tolerate bad behavior. Eventually, after so many visits spent bored out of her mind, she will come around. Or she will beg her mom not to visit but chances are her mom will want that break during the summer and being forced to spend time with ya'll will further credit you as approved parents by her own mother (in case of any other false claims by your SD) and spending at least sometime in an organized stable home will be good for any child.
Never take away her ability to call her mom, even if she's just going to call to say how unreasonable you are being. So if you take her cell then make sure she knows she can use the home phone to call only her mother in public. Taking away privacy is the biggest punishment we give my SS, when he's really in trouble we make him leave his bedroom door open at all times. The only place left for privacy is the bathroom. Always keep your cool and keep a journal of each event. If she ever claims abuse again you will have that journal to show that you are healthfully working through behavioral problems with your SD.
It sounds to me like what is needed is for your husband to stand up to his daughter and start to parent. He seems to like to run away from situations much too often. You are correct, you should not put so much into fear of having the 12 year old over. Obviously, it can be very difficult to instill anything into her now, like the makeup she wears, how she talks on the phone and other things without throwing a fit. My theory, I have an evil step mother myself, you need to let your husband do all of the disciplining and just ignore her presence. She seems to be looking for some attention from him that she is apparently not getting and is jealous because you seem to be receiving it. When two people are together and supporting each other then have children, the children understand the natural order of things (mom and dad putting each other first). When you take two people who were married (and it sounds like a difficult divorce as well) and were unhappy and get divorced, the child then feels they should be the number one in the parents' life. When the parent turns their attention and affection elsewhere, it is very difficult for the child to understand this. They can feel betrayed, neglected, unloved and unimportant and will cry out for attention, sometimes negative will do just fine.
What seems to me that would work, is for your husband to go to counseling with her and discuss THEIR relationship and how it has changed. He needs to confront the situation and maybe you should suggest that he takes the time off to be with his daughter, plans to take her to work with him or something to that affect so it isn't about seeing you, which is really just going to make her more upset. Also, I understand your being upset about the Easter holiday, but arguing will obviously not do any good. What I would suggest is that you go with a girlfriend or even your mom and children on the vacation and plan to leave your husband and his daughter on their own. This would probably be the best thing for both of them in this juncture. Then he can't throw you in between and he has to deal with her head on. Let him know that it is fine if he wants her to visit, but you planned on relaxing that week and if he would like to spend time with her, you will be more than happy to relax with a friend while he does so...
I realize that it is frustrating and very much a difficulty, but one thing that always helped me was the following phrase:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference
You are not in an easy situation and the hardest part about it is that you aren't really in control of the outcomes. The only thing I can suggest is that you talk to your husband and let him do the dealings with her. Talk to him about setting up the groundwork when she arrives, like how she is to speak to people and such, that she is to be respectful and if she isn't, there will be "this" for a consequence. But most importantly, before that, he needs to let her know that he AND YOU are happy that she is visiting, that you have missed her and love her. That you are looking forward to a pleasant visit and enjoying the time with her. And ABOVE ALL, don't let her smell your fear!
Okay... First off yes calm down!! My step sister went throught the EXACT same thing! He husband had passed and she remarried her best friend basically a a couple years later.. had a step daugther that like yours was the devil thats putting it nicely.. she always caused problems between them and they did send her off to mom.. It takes awhile but they my step siste debbie put her foot down and told her sd what was going to be happening in her house and if she didn't like it then don't live there is what she said.. she still did come back for hlidays like your sd.. and yes still caused problems... They are now getting along alot better belive it or not it took awhile but sd is also 16 now and looks at things alot differently..
so just calm down it does take time it is hard for a child to get used to dad beding divoced especially if she has a mom like that that is going to constantly put you down.
When sd is there why dont you try and do a day out with just the 2 of you and talk to her, go do things she likes, just let you know how you feel, and let her express herself about you and hubby... make it a counsling session between you too...
Hope this helps a little bit i've never been in the situation myself but i have known people..
Good luck and yes she will always be apart of your lives so you need to try and work things out as best as possible..
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