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DEEDEE_BOO's Photo DEEDEE_BOO Posts: 678
6/10/09 2:09 P

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Patience is a biggy. If you are asking then you know something is wrong. You will know when you meet Mr. Right you will find a happy medium.

CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,848
4/8/09 1:03 A

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Hi again!
Thanks for coming back and telling us how things are going.

You said 'here we go again'. Does it feel like you are heading in the same direction as before, as earlier in this relationship?

I agree with Monique - you seem like your head is on straight.

And if you think there are some red flags, there probably are. Trust your gut.

Good luck to you. All the best!

cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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MONIQUE138's Photo MONIQUE138 SparkPoints: (13,864)
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4/3/09 1:20 P

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It seems like you have your head on straight. Just follow your heart. Good luck. emoticon

STRENGTH,POWER, ENCOURAGEMENT, WISDOM, IT IS GOD WHO GUIDES ME THROUGH ALL THESE THINGS!!!

Monique
Co-leader of the Outdoor Women Team
NYC


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NYDIA07's Photo NYDIA07 Posts: 1,090
4/3/09 12:29 P

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Thanks you for your reply. It's not because I'm lonely that I've allowed him back. I do like him but I don't think he can give me what I need emotionally but I wanted it to work. I can take care of myself. I'm independent, I have a good job, my own place, I'm raising my kids well and they do great in school. I get so frustrated with myself and my confusion because I know better. I often wonder why women settle but it's easier said than done. When I broke it off the last time I told him I wouldn't settle for less than I deserve. We talked at first this time around but now it seems that we just picked up where we left off and I didn't want that. That's why I broke it off. I know I will remove myself from a relationship that is not going any where but it is so difficult to let go of someone that I hoped would be the one. *sigh*

I never introduced him to my kids. I value my kids opinion of me. It takes a long time for me to introduce someone to my kids. I don't bring men to our home. Even though I'm not doing anything wrong I'm extremely cautious about who I allow around them. Maybe it's a red flag... if I haven't felt comfortable enough to allow him around my kids then maybe my mother's intuition is seeing something my heart isn't.


"I shall shape my future.

Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze.

My choice. My responsbility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."


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MONIQUE138's Photo MONIQUE138 SparkPoints: (13,864)
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4/3/09 12:07 P

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I hope your not getting back with him because you don't want to be alone. I hear alot of women say this and it really upsets me. I know it's hard this days to find someone new but don't sell yourself short. It seems that you really like this guy because you went back for the second time dispite his faults. You both need to talk about it and you really need to tell him how you feel. That his character of being so cold is not making you feel good and if your not happy your children are not happy and if your childre are not happy the relationship can't work. I've been with my husband for 25 years and I don't tolerate too much. I have to open the lines up for communication.

How does your children feel about him? Children don't lie when it comes to their feeling about someone.

STRENGTH,POWER, ENCOURAGEMENT, WISDOM, IT IS GOD WHO GUIDES ME THROUGH ALL THESE THINGS!!!

Monique
Co-leader of the Outdoor Women Team
NYC


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NYDIA07's Photo NYDIA07 Posts: 1,090
4/2/09 3:40 P

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I had to come back here since I started this thread and he is now back in my life...

Soon after I broke it off he tried to contact me and I turned him away. He waited 4 months to contact me again. How easy it is to forget because I replied instantly and without a 2nd thought. We've been seeing each other again for the past month and now I see why I broke it off the first time.

Have you ever liked/loved everything about someone so much except one thing but that one thing is really getting to you? I don't know if I can do this again. I wanted to give it one more try.

Great stability, fire fighter, and owns his own home. I'm a single mother and stability is big to me and I'm attracted to him. He said "I am not a nice guy... I'm a good guy but not a nice one". To me he seems cold sometimes. I don't want less than I deserve but I know we all have to make sacrifices.

Here I go again...

"I shall shape my future.

Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze.

My choice. My responsbility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."


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CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,848
2/28/09 12:24 P

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Yep. Again, well said.
such wisdom in our Team!

cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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HARLEQUINN's Photo HARLEQUINN Posts: 44
2/28/09 10:56 A

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Nydia - first off.....marriage is a blessing...but a struggle. Just remember you are putting two different bodies together and telling them to live as one. I have been married for almost 12years....and let me tell you, I think I have sacrificed more in the relationship....(Hubby would agree)...but it was my FAITH IN GOD that seen my through our troubles...and still our troubles today.
Dating is a tool to do the compromise...the learning...the changing...once you are married....its a different type of compromise...learning...and changing....for you do it together...not as an individual.

When I was 18...I wanted to be married....Now looking back...I think I would have learned more about men...if I had dated a little bit.
Not saying that I dont love my husband...and wouldnt marry him again...for all the downs we have had.....the ups are more than I can ever be thankful for.

So just remember....dating you can walk away from...you have that choice....marriage...is a life long commitment...that you can not easily walk away from...if you can even walk away.......

@HarleQuinn@


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CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,848
11/24/08 5:39 P

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Very well said, Kathy.

cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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KSNJMOM22's Photo KSNJMOM22 SparkPoints: (0)
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11/24/08 7:58 A

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Hi Nydia - New member here! I've been married to my firefighter husband for over 22 years. I think the thing about being with one person for a long time, you have to realize that things won't always be the same. You won't always be the same. The only certain thing in life is that it doesn't stay the same. People lose jobs, family members, you add responsibilities, children, experiences. You grow. Over the past 22 years my husband and I have had our "issues" but my heart is his so if I had to bite my tongue until he "got it" or if I had to meet him in the middle somewhere it was always part of the process that got us to where we are now.

I tell my children that they should never feel that the *need to change to be with someone but that *wanting to change and grow is o.k.

Is there something I would never put up with? Cruelty - someone who is cruel would be a deal breaker for me. Was there something over the years that I dealt with that I no longer have to deal with? Sure! I'm sure my husband could say the same!



KATHY

If you aren't proud of the choices you are making - you are making the wrong choices.



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COWBOY4CHRIST08's Photo COWBOY4CHRIST08 Posts: 301
11/7/08 9:19 P

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pray every day and night

..but with God all things are possible.
Matthew 19:26b

and on the flipside, without Him nothing is possible


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CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,848
11/7/08 6:11 P

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Sorry to hear that, Nydia07.
Cowboy for Christ is right - ask God to help you through this. And counselling is probably a very good idea. Good luck to you.

cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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COWBOY4CHRIST08's Photo COWBOY4CHRIST08 Posts: 301
11/7/08 5:34 P

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keep seeking god's help emoticon

..but with God all things are possible.
Matthew 19:26b

and on the flipside, without Him nothing is possible


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NYDIA07's Photo NYDIA07 Posts: 1,090
11/7/08 3:10 P

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Unfortunately my boyfriend and I broke up yesterday. I was in denial. I knew it wasn't going to work out but I was hoping that just maybe it would. I am deeply disappointed in myself for letting it get this far.

I am seeking counseling to help me cope with life in general.

Thanks to you all. You remind me that there are loving men out there and hopefully mine will be sent from up above too.

"I shall shape my future.

Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze.

My choice. My responsbility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."


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COWBOY4CHRIST08's Photo COWBOY4CHRIST08 Posts: 301
11/7/08 10:53 A

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my wife and I have been married for 2 years. the first year was hell because we did not have christ in our marriage. my wife and i got into a major fight and i told her i wanted to move back to kansas, but instead i called our pastor in the middle of the night and he came and talked to us for 3 hours. our second year is better now because we put god in our marraige and i put my wife's needs first before mine. my wife is on oxygen 24/7 which does not bother me i love taking care of my wife. the vows say for better or worse, sickness and health, until death due us apart. we been through the for better or worse and sickness and health. my wife means the world to me i'll die without her by my side.

..but with God all things are possible.
Matthew 19:26b

and on the flipside, without Him nothing is possible


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KALEWI2's Photo KALEWI2 Posts: 220
10/22/08 11:34 A

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VERY!!!

"Do, or do not. There is no try." -- Yoda

This is a bumpy hole-filled road, I should watch where I'm going.


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CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,848
10/13/08 1:46 P

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Well said, Wendy!
cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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MRS*MAC Posts: 485
10/2/08 2:07 P

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Relax! People keep asking me, "So how's married life treating ya?" In response, "There's nothing to it!" You aren't going to go to sleep with your boyfriend on your wedding night and wake up next to a wildabeast. Trust me! My best advice is to burn your childhood copy of Cinderella, forget about "The One" and never take Hollywood romance to heart. Life is too long to keep up with those kinds of relationship expectations. Anyway, most couples fight about money more than anything else. So find a guy with similar financial principles as you and you'll be ahead of the game!

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MCBEAL311's Photo MCBEAL311 Posts: 446
9/8/08 3:34 P

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I am right there with those saying their husband was sent from above! I went through a very dark time in my life after my mom passed away and was wrapped up in two very unhealthy relationships. I thought that being in this situation was my destiny until I woke up and realized I was the one in control and told them both to take a hike! I began to take care of myself, started running and ran a marathon! This became my saving grace...and then I met my hubby. We met online and it was an almost instant connection. We have been together 3 years and are just coming up on our one year anniversary. I know we're still newlyweds so to speak but I would do it all over again and again. I truly believe my mom brought my husband to me...and for that I am even more thankful to be with him! I wish you the BEST! Trust your gut instinct...you'll find it's generally spot on!

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TWINMAMA92210's Photo TWINMAMA92210 Posts: 2,120
9/8/08 2:20 P

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I met my husband when I was pretty young (15) and the moment I met him I knew I would marry him. It was just something I knew. We met in July 2000 and by the end of the year we were engaged. Of course I couldn't get married yet and neither could he (he was 17 when we met). We got married in October 2003, almost 6 months after turning 18. We each have things that annoy each other but there isn't anyone out there that is perfect and everyone has flaws. You have to remember that a relationship is work and is about sharing and understanding each others flaws and seeing past them for the person they really are.

My husband and I are the opposite of your relationship, he is very relaxed and jokes a lot and I am more of the serious type. Not to say that in 8 years I haven't loosened up a bit because I have and I do like to have fun but there are just some times when you need to be more serious and he just isn't but he has always been like that and I knew that when I married him.

All in all though I would say that we are very happily married! :)

"Never worry about the delay of your success compared to others because construction of a pyramid takes more time than an ordinary building!"




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IMSEWNAVY's Photo IMSEWNAVY Posts: 352
9/6/08 1:57 P

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My husband was also sent from God. This is my second marriage and while I loved my first husband dearly, I always wondered if he was the one I was supposed to marry. My new hubby and I fell in love immediately, but took things slowly and he is impatient and I am laid back. We have things about one another that drive the other nuts! but they are so minor compared to the joy of being together. I would hang out with him if we weren't married! That is a big plus! There is no perfect marriage, and no perfect person, but there is a perfect God and you can ask Him to help you find the man for you!

God bless! and my prayers to you!
JG

Dedicated to helping women live a better life.


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JCOLUMBINE's Photo JCOLUMBINE SparkPoints: (34,697)
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9/4/08 3:53 P

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Hi. My husband and I have been married for 18 years. We were engaged for 2years. So, we've been together a long time. Yes, there are definately things about him I don't like, but put up with. But as with most of us, his biggest faults are also his biggest assets. For example, he is very sensitive. This means he gets his feelings hurt easily. The flip side, he see's other's pain and is sensitive to them. We just learn to grow together and keep dating. I wouldn't have it any other way. emoticon

Edited by: JCOLUMBINE at: 9/4/2008 (15:52)
JanaLee

"Triumph is Try with a little umph."

"Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you." Is 41:10


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ANNAJW's Photo ANNAJW Posts: 581
9/4/08 3:07 P

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When my hubby and I met it was very ummmm, unsure of commitment for the first 4 years!! but we were hooked on each other and we learned to live with and, dare I say it, love our differences! lthough we still drive each other nuts sometimes!

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ESFOSTER's Photo ESFOSTER Posts: 246
9/4/08 12:10 A

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Meeting my husband was the best thing that ever happened to me. This is my second marriage. My first marriage was very abusive, not healthy at all. We have difficulties in the communication dept. but we respect each other. There is nothing that we can't work through. I would do it over again in a heartbeat! I knew he was the one when all the questions we asked each other came out with the same answer. It was truly phenomenal! I have no doubt God brought us together because only HE could match two people to perfectly! Good Luck! I know you will find the one God has in store for you!

Sheila

Favorite Quotes:
If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail.
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.


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CHILLMAMA's Photo CHILLMAMA Posts: 2,763
9/3/08 7:42 A

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Like anything else I have come across in this life...there are ups and downs! Sometimes the love is crazy strong, other times I hate the fact that he breathes the same air I do! LOL. This is my second marriage and we have been married for almost 6 years. I would do it again in a heart beat!!!!

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MYNEWJOURNEY's Photo MYNEWJOURNEY Posts: 100
9/3/08 6:11 A

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My hubby was also sent from above! My life did a 360 turn around after i met him. And i also agree, respect is a must. I knew he was the one when i realised i truly wouldnt be happy in life if he wasnt a part of it. My two cents: "1 Corinthians 13" and never go to bed angry and never sleep in seperate beds(because of anger...)

SAMODER's Photo SAMODER Posts: 11,838
9/2/08 9:06 P

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I find that the things I love about my husband are also the things that make me crazy at times.

My husband is laid back - I'm not, so he seems to deal with me better than someone who is high-strung. At the same time - he doesn't make decisions - I get, "I don't care most of the time." There are other things. I am sure he would say the same about me.

First and foremost - We respect one another! I think that is the most important.

We've been married 29 years. I'd do it ALL over again - the good and the bad.

Sam

You don't stop laughing. because you grow old, you grow old. because you stop laughing!


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MSTIGGERFAN's Photo MSTIGGERFAN SparkPoints: (59,059)
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9/2/08 8:35 P

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When I met my husband I had just lost both of my grandparents only a few months before and was at a real low in my life. Yes I truly believed God sent my my husband in my time of need and you know when it's right or I did with mine. Not to say that you still won't have those ups and downs and something in you will just know.

Cherly
I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me Philippians 4:13



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YESLORD Posts: 12,978
9/2/08 6:29 P

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Hi, this is my third marriage, but I'll tell you this even in this short time, the 23rd of this month we will be married for two years. I would do it all over again. The lord gave me this one. Yes, I waited for the the to bless me with this man. I had my wedding dress for just about five years. For the first time in my life I have not only a partner but a friend. He did not cook when we first got married but he decided he wanted to learn and now He can burn. We are both in the ministry together. Yes it takes work, and communication, and understanding. And then some. Just wait and see God has someone for you, but now its time to work on you.Take this time for you, and everthing else will come together. Just me, the Min. emoticon emoticon



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NYDIA07's Photo NYDIA07 Posts: 1,090
9/2/08 6:08 P

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Thank you all for your response...
And knowing that there have been broken dishes and things you can't stand about them like sports makes me feel like I'm not the only one going thru this married or not.

I have been married. I moved in with my bf when I was 16 (he was 21) had 3 kids and after almost 12 yrs we went our separate ways. I don't think that relationship was very healthy. I was very young and stuck thru it for a long time because I thought it was my obligation as a wife. I think I was in it way too long. After the divorce I was a single adult for the first time. I had never gone on a real date and I was 28!... I was so clueless and still am. It left me leary and confused.

I'm afraid of committing only to be disappointed. I feel that one always loves more than the other. I can't give to him if he doesn't give the same in return which in turn makes me take two steps back... does that make sense? He was very quiet this Saturday and I decided to spend Sunday by myself and give him space. After all he's been a single guy for a while and having someone new must be overwhelming... I get like that sometimes... as much as I enjoy his company sometimes I just want him to go home already lol. I asked him if he was ok and he said that he was. He said he was feeling moody but that nothing had changed and that he missed me. I know everything is not always perfect but then that book comes to mind "He's just not that into you" is he not into me... should I run now?

This counseling you speak of.. is it for me only? I know they have couples counseling but will counseling for myself help in this department?


Were you all sure of your guy? When did you know he was the one?

Edited by: NYDIA07 at: 9/2/2008 (18:08)
"I shall shape my future.

Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze.

My choice. My responsbility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."


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CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,848
9/2/08 5:28 P

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I agree that marriage is hard work (as anything that is worthwhile - like learning to live a healthy lifestyle). I also agree that red flags need to be examined up close and determined whether there is a problem or not. Therapy may be a good thing. I've visited your page and you say you have been through a marriage and a divorce. There may be things you need to have a close look at before entering into another serious relationship. I would suggest taking it very slowly and talk to your friends and family, and yes, maybe a therapist to sort out your feelings and thoughts on all this.

Good luck to you!
cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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KLABARDEE's Photo KLABARDEE SparkPoints: (0)
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9/2/08 5:00 P

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My opinion is that it is important to pay attention to those little red flags now because they might become bigger once you are married. But you do have to understand why they are red flags...is it stuff you have a hard time dealing with or is it stuff that should be a concern? For example, why are you afraid to commit? Is his lack of patience really a concern, or just something that you can focus on when you're afraid? It's just those things that you need to consider. Also, there are good and not so good parts to people which we all need to work through and accept. So that's something to think about as well. Marriage can be a wonderful thing, but it's a big commitment too. I'm a therapist so my advice is to go to a therapist to help you figure out what your stuff is versus his stuff. That way you can really know what is in your best interest. I know that counseling can be a taboo thing, but don't take it that way. It can be a very wonderful step towards health! Good luck girl! You'll figure it out!

“A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn’t will find an excuse.”


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BALLOFOIL's Photo BALLOFOIL Posts: 828
9/2/08 5:00 P

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I agree with the ladies here. Marriage is work. I've been married for almost 9 years and it hasn't always been happy, but we decided we would rather be together than apart and did what was needed to be done to stay together. We have our differences, but like Jeni said, sometimes that's what pulls you together. I know that at the end of the day even with our differences we are on the same page.

Just remember..........one day at a time;-)



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MSTIGGERFAN's Photo MSTIGGERFAN SparkPoints: (59,059)
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9/2/08 4:50 P

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Yes that's in most any couple married or not. I can't stand my hubby sports but yes I put up with it and plenty more things either but to many to list. It's about give and take in a marriage on both ends.

Edited by: MSTIGGERFAN at: 9/2/2008 (16:49)
Cherly
I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me Philippians 4:13



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JENIKLOSS's Photo JENIKLOSS Posts: 454
9/2/08 4:49 P

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Good luck to you~!

Jeni~


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JENIKLOSS's Photo JENIKLOSS Posts: 454
9/2/08 4:49 P

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Differences are sometimes what brings people together. Think of it this way, you bring to him what he is lacking and he brings to you what you are lacking.

My biggest piece of advise is this, marriage as well as relationships are work. I have been married for ten years now and it hasn't always been easy, there have been broken phones and dishes in the beginning and a bit of yelling for a while. I think it wasn't until we both decided to really trust each other and open up to each other that we really felt like we weren't in this by ourselves. It takes a while sometimes to get there. It is when you both think about each others needs before your own that you can be assured you are there. Trusting is very hard, especially for us, but we managed to get through it because we wanted to. It would be really easy to run everytime there was trouble, but being able to work through things makes you stronger as a couple.

Jeni~


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9/2/08 4:33 P

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Hi my name is Nydia and I'm not married. I feel like I'm at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting admitting to something bad lol... not that I would know haha!

I want to be married... not right now but I do and so I thought "who better to ask about the subject than married ppl" so I hope you all don't mind me here.

Any way, I've been doing a little dating and I've found someone that has stability... A BIGGIE on my list. First of all I want commitment but I'm scared of it... I'm scared of being vulnerable and the second things don't go smoothly in a relationship I want to run for the hills!

I'm at a point in my relationship where we're getting comfortable and I'm starting to notice things like he's not very patient. He's a fire fighter and a high school drum teacher.. which means he is very disciplined and likes things to be done right the first time. I think I'm more laid back or is it (layed back)? lol You see I can find humor in almost anything where he's more serious.
I'm just wondering are there things you don't like but put up with and still be happily married?

Please advise,

Nydia

Edited by: NYDIA07 at: 9/2/2008 (16:35)
"I shall shape my future.

Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze.

My choice. My responsbility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."


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