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MONIQUE138's Photo MONIQUE138 SparkPoints: (13,857)
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8/27/08 10:02 P

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I have only cheated on him one time and that was five years ago. I think his piece at mind is important as well as mine. I don't want him to feel this way. I made a mistake and I regret it. I just don't want it to be part of my every day life and I can't go out or do anything. I am trying to show him in more ways than one that it is not happening and it will not happen again.

STRENGTH,POWER, ENCOURAGEMENT, WISDOM, IT IS GOD WHO GUIDES ME THROUGH ALL THESE THINGS!!!

Monique
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8/24/08 8:54 P

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Just a question (and forgive me if this is just a logistical liguistic thing....) but how many times have you cheated on this man? The only reason I ask is because you mention the "last" time in your last post. Also, is this how everything started last time? If so, even the most innocuous omission is probably enough to send him into a panic. As has been said, which is more important to you: "your" place or your husband's peace of mind?

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MARTIET's Photo MARTIET Posts: 2,400
8/23/08 6:36 A

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IMHO, you should tell your husband EXACTLY where you and your friends are, and INVITE him to stop by. It doesn't even seem like he is the type to really want to, but more that it eats at him that you don't want him to know. Do you blame him? Don't you think you owe him that? And, again, priorities....what is more important? Maybe that is part of why it bothers him, too. He can see he is less of a priority. You say you don't want to put your friends in an awkward position, but you don't mind so much irritating him. Do your friends know about this prior offense? If they do, they should understand. If they don't, maybe you don't want them to? I do think he is trying to show you what it feels like to be left home. My advice is to mend this before, and I really hate to say this, but I'm gonna, before he thinks maybe of showing you how it felt the first time. Not that that would be right, but when people get irrational, they do stupid stuff. You are hurting him and scaring him. Is your place alone with your friends worth all that?

~Martha

CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,572
8/23/08 1:25 A

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It does sound like he is trying to 'get back at you' by going out like that. Hopefully, that will blow over soon, especially with you being as transparent as you can with your actions.

By the way - have you tried simply telling him where you will be? Or are you afraid he will show up unannounced? Would it actually be that awful if he did?

Anyway, I guess it's just a matter of deciding which is more important to you - reassuring your husband that nothing is going on behind his back, or hanging out with your friends without him and without him knowing where you are. Only you can decide that.

I wish you well and hope the two of you can work this out! Good luck!
cj

God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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MONIQUE138's Photo MONIQUE138 SparkPoints: (13,857)
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8/22/08 8:12 P

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I do leave my phone out and my emails are sometimes left for his view but what I think it is is that he does not know where me and my friends go out. I call him or he calls me after work to see what I'm doing. I think it is the fact that he doesn't know where I am. I did not tell him this because I feel that I need a place of my own where its just me and my friends and none of my friends have their husbands there and I don't want to put my friends in a awkward situation. (it's a Sex in the City thing)and I don't want him to just show up unannounced. Now today is the first day of my vacation and I decided to take the time to be with my family but he has gone out with his friend today and I called to ask if he wanted something to eat he said yes but he wouldn't be home no time soon. I think he is doing this because I have. My son has told me that he goes out because I do. My husband is a stay at home kind of guy. He is now making little remarks about me being out. I will try to use the advice you all have given me and find a way to reassure him that I am not cheating and haven't since the last time five years ago. Wish me luck and I will keep you all posted.

STRENGTH,POWER, ENCOURAGEMENT, WISDOM, IT IS GOD WHO GUIDES ME THROUGH ALL THESE THINGS!!!

Monique
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BRIDIEK's Photo BRIDIEK Posts: 1,180
8/19/08 4:10 P

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I agree about making your life an open book. I guess in more words that is what I was trying to say. My husband has started doing that himself...but like the saying goes once burned...

I have always made my life an open book to my husband. Why shouldn't I? There should be no "secrets" in a marriage. I am not saying you are trying to hide anything but you've got to show him your not.

Bridget

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MARTIET's Photo MARTIET Posts: 2,400
8/19/08 12:45 P

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I agree. It's really a matter of priorities, I think. You have to know your marriage is more important than the ladies night out....and so does he.

~Martha

MRS*MAC Posts: 485
8/19/08 9:17 A

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You probably won't like what I have to say but this is just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt. I think you should cut the ladies night outs (or evening outs) to just once a month. It's a compromise, technically you still get to go out but you go out much less which will provide a more stable environment at home just with everyone being present.

Yes, if your husband made the choice back when to stick it through then he's got to let things go in order to move forward together. However, he may always be gun shy. Kind of like the first time you touch a hot stove, you are leary about it from then on. Whether he means to or not, it's just human nature once you've been burned. Therefore, you have to compromise. So if there is any little thing you can do to help him then do it. Never have your phone on vibrate when you are in his presence, leave your phone laying out unattended, leave your email inbox open while you run to the store. Should he ever snoop through it? Absolutly not because that would be an invasion of your trust BUT the key is he'll know that you aren't hiding anything. If you aren't willing to do that, to make your life an open book, then what you really need to do is ask yourself why.

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BRIDIEK's Photo BRIDIEK Posts: 1,180
8/18/08 3:48 P

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Have you thought about how your husband might feel You aren't taking him out with you and maybe he feels like you are trying to "hide" him from the rest of your life not wanting someone else to know he exists? Maybe call him up at the end of your work day and say come out with me!

I can tell you how he feels because I have been there! My husband cheated on me not just once but twice. He doesn't even know I know. I found out because of the way he was acting and his cell phone. I called the ladies myself. The one wouldn't even admit to knowing my husband or anyone by his name...funny how he got a text message just a moment after I called saying you bast... you're married! Do I trust him now...nope. Trust takes a long time to build and not much to destroy.

Every week when my husband comes home, he works out of town all week, I check for any new numbers and pictures. Mind you that this just took place a few months ago. Maybe someday I will to trust him again but for right now...npe it's not happening. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband with all of my heart. But it will take a long time to build that trust again.

Bridget

"Diet" is a four letter obscenity.


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MARTIET's Photo MARTIET Posts: 2,400
8/17/08 5:56 P

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Awesome advice, especially from emmy and CJ. I thought the Love Languages book was fantastic, and also agree that you need to look at the root problems you might have had before that caused you to be tempted. I have often been irritated with the notion of quality time vs quantity time. What people do not realize is that you cannot just turn on quality time. Quality is developed. Like the PSA's on talking with your kids about drugs, you don't just one day decide to talk to them about drugs, even though you've never talked to them before. You have to spend time to them, talk to them and LISTEN to them (sometimes a LOT) before they really want to hear anything like that. You have to build the relationship up enough to handle talking about something big. Also, those moments of "quality" are usually nestled in hours of not-so-significant time. Think about what he is reading in, even if it's wrong. What message are you sending him? You prefer someone else's company? It might not be true, but if he believes it, it matters, and you need to stop "saying" it. Anyway, great advice here. I would advise getting that book, but also flooding him with assurance from ALL the love languages. Nobody has just one, and most people feel all somewhat. Take advantage of them all. You can probably find it at the public library.

~Martha

CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 30,572
8/16/08 11:39 A

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So sorry to hear that you are going through this right now, and that your husband feels insecure about your relationship because of what happened in the past. You sound at a loss as to what to do and wish that it could all be how it was before, and you feel confused and left out that he doesn't share his feelings with you. I am wondering if (and forgive the psych 101-ing, I WAS a psych major in university, and I am currently a counsellor for breastfeeding women) you are seeking companionship from others who do share with you. Not really a problem, but if your husband feels threatened by it, it's not really good for the relationship. It sounds like your hubby needs some reassurance from you. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how. A good strong, hard look at why you are going out so often may be a good start, perhaps figuring out how to spend more time with hubby is another thing to look at. Sometimes, reluctant-to-share hubbies need quiet, one on one time before they feel secure enough to share. My hubby and I can spend hours and hours together not talking, and only then will he open up.

We've read a super good book called "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, I highly recommend it. Maybe you two can figure out what it would take to make you feel loved and secure again. It sounds like neither of you are letting each other know how you feel in the 'language' that you can understand. One of you may need little notes and words of affirmation, the other may need physical touch to feel loved. Or maybe one of you needs to have the other perform little acts of kindness or service, or there's also little gifts. Unless our spouse is communicating in our 'love language', we don't 'hear' them and we get a lot of misunderstanding!

Good luck to you both. I hope you are able to work it out and start meeting each others' needs again.

cj

Edited by: CJBAGGINS at: 8/16/2008 (11:39)
God is closer to us than water is to a fish.
- St. Catherine of Sienna

Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain.
- Psalm 127:1




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RUSSETT98 Posts: 155
8/16/08 12:05 A

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I have been on your husbands end. My first husband cheated on me! To this day I still do not know why or what I might of did wrong. Because of this I built a wall around me in reguards to trusting men....which is unfortunate. I still to some small extent do not trust my current husband and we will have been married 27 yrs. the end of this month. Once that trust has been broken it is hard to get back if at all. I agree with everything that our friends here have said. You both need to work on this marriage to make it work. It is a 50/50 proposition....each of you will have to give something. Sit down and talk to each other. Find out what the core of the problem is for your husband to react the way he does and why you don't want to go home after work and unwind with your husband and your family. Everyone here has given you great advice. Just take mine with a grain of salt for what it's worth.

russett98


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MYTHICALANGEL's Photo MYTHICALANGEL Posts: 6,691
8/15/08 10:33 A

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Best wishes and Good Luck

Co-Team Leader of Parents of Preschoolers!

You can achieve anything you can imagine! You just need to believe in yourself.
Always try to think of others and how you can improve their quailty of life by just taking the time to listen

Trust, Believe and Have Faith in Yourself!
MONIQUE138's Photo MONIQUE138 SparkPoints: (13,857)
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8/14/08 9:45 P

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I thank all of you so much. You are so supportive and understanding. I will make effort to make my relationship work. I don't know if you all remember but I was also the one that posted? "BEEN TOGETHER 24 YEARS AND STILL NOT MARRIED".
emoticon emoticon emoticon

STRENGTH,POWER, ENCOURAGEMENT, WISDOM, IT IS GOD WHO GUIDES ME THROUGH ALL THESE THINGS!!!

Monique
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TRIPLE_EMME's Photo TRIPLE_EMME Posts: 3,505
8/14/08 5:08 P

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It is good that you have a hobby that you do every week with your husband along with a family activity.

This is my opinion...
Marriage is a huge commitment that requires constant daily effort to protect and empower the relationship. Your marriage needs to be a priority in order for the marriage to succeed. You will have to deal with your husband's insecurities if you want your marriage to continue. All things considered, you contributed to his insecurities when you cheated on him. Have you thought about visiting a marriage counselor together? It will take much effort on both sides to repair the crack in the foundation of your marriage.

You will need to exhibit extreme patience in regard to your husband's insecurities and modify your behavior. On the other hand, if he has chosen to forgive you and remain your devoted partner, he will need to make peace with the past, stop blaming you and try to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Once trust is broken, it's difficult to regain.

Another thing to consider... and again, this is just my opinion...
When there is infidelity, there is usually an underlying problem or aspect/quality of a healthy relationship that is absent which causes one of the partners to look elsewhere for that missing quality. With counseling, you can explore and discuss your relationship in a safe, mediated environment and focus on the repair work.

I wish you the best of luck.



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MONIQUE138's Photo MONIQUE138 SparkPoints: (13,857)
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8/14/08 4:42 P

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Okay maybe I did leave out a few things. Don't get me wrong my husband and I have a hobby that we do every weekend together and sometimes with the kids (because they get a little bored). We go fishing every weekend. We go camping with the kids. We even go out during the week sometime to have dinner. I just think he is being real insecure after what has happen. Maybe I do go out to much during the week but that doesn't mean I'm fooling around but I will try to cut back, but I think even if I do that he is still going to feel a kind of way. I can be on the phone or checking my messages and he is right there trying to look at my phone. I can't deal....
Please feel free to say whatever you like I am an open person or else I would not have posted this.. knowing I was going to get many different comments.

emoticon

STRENGTH,POWER, ENCOURAGEMENT, WISDOM, IT IS GOD WHO GUIDES ME THROUGH ALL THESE THINGS!!!

Monique
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TIGGERLILLY1001's Photo TIGGERLILLY1001 Posts: 2,489
8/14/08 4:35 P

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I agree with the other ladys.

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BALLOFOIL's Photo BALLOFOIL Posts: 828
8/14/08 1:09 P

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I agree with all these ladies. You are going to have to do more things with your husband. Find other things you can do at home to unwind. Do more things as a family. We go for walks usually after dinner together and that's a lot of fun. Also we try to have a date night at least once a month. That helps so much. Communication is they key. I am speaking from past experience. My husband is also one who doesn't share his feelings that much and I have found that the more time we spend with eachother the more we understand each other.
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Just remember..........one day at a time;-)



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LYNNE5767 Posts: 134
8/14/08 10:56 A

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Comming from a place of true perspective........
Once you've cheated, no matter how long ago it was, They will never forget, (and lets be honest, if he had cheated.......would you really completely trust him again?) So all of the actions and words, concious and unconcious......are recorded and processed thur the I remember the past filter, and will be used to judge where we stand on a daily basis. My husband too, doesnt share his emotions with me, and suffers from anxiety and depression which are great for adding full to the already upset fire.
My true suggestion to you is this.........Cut WAY back on after work fun, unwinding or chatting with friends.......Take that time and spend it with Him.....Date night once thru the week and every other weekend plan an event......free or costly, if you truly love him and want him to gain trust and confidence in you, than it will take all I have suggested, and it will take months.......and months of this pattern, but if you want him.......HIs mind and emotions, that is what it will take.
Just my two cents, based on My life.
My hope and prayers are with you.......It is by Gods grace realtionships are healed.

And He said unto me, My Grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the Porwer of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmites, in reporoaches, in necessitites, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10


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TRIPLE_EMME's Photo TRIPLE_EMME Posts: 3,505
8/14/08 10:41 A

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I agree with the other responses.

I understand that you need to unwind after work. Instead of going out with friends everyday (maybe do that every couple of weeks/once a month), perhaps you can find a new daily stress relieving ritual -- like going for a long walk with your husband, journaling, meditating, and/or finding "grounding" in preparing a healthy meal for dinner.

Just my 2 cents...

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DADDYSMONEY2's Photo DADDYSMONEY2 Posts: 436
8/14/08 9:34 A

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I totally agree with the other ladies. Yes, it was something that you did a long time ago and time heals all wounds but doesn't neccessarily erase the memory. I'm not sure what kind of work you do, but I would limit myself to going out may oncea week as well and definetely invite him to go along. He probably won't but I'm sure he would appreciate being asked. Also try very hard to show love to him, I'm sure you love your husband and leaving maybe some little notes to him or sending him a text or email. I wouldn't go all out right at first for that may raise his suspicions even more. For right now I would slow down on the going out. Good Luck and God Bless I will be sure to say a prayer for you and your family.

I KNOW GOD WON'T GIVE ME MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE..SOMETIMES I WISH HE WASN'T SO CONFIDENT IN ME!


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JENIKLOSS's Photo JENIKLOSS Posts: 454
8/14/08 9:11 A

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I am sorry, but I tend to agree. I realize that you made a mistake and I believe that you have learned a lesson and wouldn't do it again, but part of your "repentance" is going to be constant reassurance to your husband. Unfortunately, this is the way it will be for a while I have heard. If you want to go out after work, call your husband in advance, let him know that you want to go out and let him know where you are going and invite him to show up. I wouldn't make it more than once a week though, anything more than that and what you are doing is deciding that your needs are more important than your relationship.

I tend to look to my husband to help me relax. He is my best friend and if I want to talk, I can usually talk to him. Communication is really key, maybe if you sit down and tell him how you sometimes feel after work and that you would like him to be that person to help you relax, even if it is meeting you somewhere so it can be away from the home front, that would be helpful. Though if I can't relax with him for some reason, I will exercise to relax a bit, I know walking on the treadmill usually helps me to clear my mind.

Jeni~


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RETIREDAT60's Photo RETIREDAT60 Posts: 1,768
8/14/08 8:49 A

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I am not qualified in any way to give advice, but here goes my opinion -- stop going out after work. I know you need to unwind, etc., but I think your husband would feel more assured if you were at home rather than out with your friends. Sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear, and please take my advice with a large grain of salt.

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MONIQUE138's Photo MONIQUE138 SparkPoints: (13,857)
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8/14/08 7:06 A

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I found out from my son that my husband thinks I'm cheating. I have made that mistake once in my life five years ago and we stayed together to try to work things out. I would admit that was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. But isn't it time to move on and forget the past. I tend to go out after work alot and that's only because I am stressed at work and need that time to unwind. He has never said anything about me going out with my friends. He one of those men who doesn't really show their true feelings that drives me crazy. I know he is a very jealous person but how can I convince him that I am not cheating. Sometimes he would call me on my cell and because I am in a loud place and I tend to keep my phone on vibrate he leaves angry messages saying he doesn't know why when he calls I don't pick up the phone. I panick every time I miss his call because I don't want him to think anything. My son told me this and I don't want him to know that he told me. I assure you I do love my husband and would never bring that situation into my life again. Just needed someone to lean on. Thanks for any advice.

STRENGTH,POWER, ENCOURAGEMENT, WISDOM, IT IS GOD WHO GUIDES ME THROUGH ALL THESE THINGS!!!

Monique
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