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MSTIGGERFAN's Photo MSTIGGERFAN SparkPoints: (59,059)
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6/5/08 1:01 P

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That's great and makes you feel so much better when you can work together. Hang in there girl and your a super mom.

Cherly
I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me Philippians 4:13



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SAMODER's Photo SAMODER Posts: 11,838
6/5/08 11:48 A

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I'm glad things are better... It can be so stressful.

Sam

You don't stop laughing. because you grow old, you grow old. because you stop laughing!


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JUSTJ3NN's Photo JUSTJ3NN Posts: 159
6/5/08 11:08 A

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Mel that is alot of good advice, and that is how it works in my house, mostly. We have talked and we are now on the same page. We also have a few "offenses" that we feel get time-out immediately like biting his brother; and going upstairs when daddy is working. We are very fortunate that my husband is able to work from home, it is a blessing for my family, but he will get mad at something I have told him to stop doing and he runs up to daddy. Well this is not good especially when my husband is on the phone with his boss. So if he goes upstairs it is immediate time out. Since that has been started, he now is thinking twice about going up with out mommy telling him it is o.k.

I sat down with my husband, we talked about discipline, what would be our rules, and how it would work, and we agree which is wonderful. I finally feel that I have some authroity with the boys. They are starting to listen to me which is wonderful.

Thank you for all of your help. I was using this board to complain, and I am so glad you are here!

I am just J3nn
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MEL_UNRAU's Photo MEL_UNRAU SparkPoints: (99,410)
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6/4/08 2:27 P

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I agree and disagree.

First off, to deal with the situation at hand... calm down, relax, and make it through this time out.

For the future, I believe time outs really should be by age. I worked on a children's unit in a mental hospital and that was the policy that we followed. So, a 3 year old would have a 3 minute time out. but, I don't think you were saying that you were putting your child in time out for 30 minutes, but that since the time doesn't start until he sits quietly, that he had been there for 30 minutes. I agree that he needs to be quiet before you start the "time out timer". I would suggest that you buy a digital kitchen timer, and set it for the 3 minutes. Give it to your child, so they can actually see how long they have left. It makes it more bearable for them. If they get up during the time out, stop the timer and then only restart it when he is calmed down again.

We also follow the 1-2-3 rule. For example, if the behavior is jumping on the sofa. You would calmly say, " Billy, Don't jump on the sofa." If he continues to jump on the sofa, you would say, "Billy, I told you not to jump on the sofa, That's one". continues jumping. "Billy, I said not to jump on the sofa. That's two" continues jumping. "I have told you not to jump on the sofa. That is three." And that is when you put the child in time out. If the child stops and one or two, they don't get punishment, but positive reinforcement like, "Thank you for listening to me. It isn't safe to jump on the sofa and I love you and want to keep you safe." But, you can't lose your cool when you do this. You must be calm the entire time. The child gets the exact same positive reinforcement after the time out, if they make it to 3. I love this method... but I also know that it only works for so long. Eventually you will need something else, but when they are young it works (until about 7-8 yrs old in my personal experience).

But, for the future, you and your hubby need to sit down and have a talk. You need to come to an agreement on how to disipline the children, and you both need to stick to it.

Imperfection is important. If we were all perfect, then there would be no such thing as growth, and everyone would be extremely boring, which is, paradoxically, not that perfect.-- Dr. Matt

Baltimore Running Festival Marathon Finisher. 5:55:33


SAMODER's Photo SAMODER Posts: 11,838
6/3/08 10:28 P

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I really like the rule of the person who puts them in time out takes them out. That makes sense.

30 minutes seems long. Maybe a compromise. They do the 3 minutes for a 3 year old. You tell them time is up, and they may get up as soon as they are calm. I have feeling they will clam down when they know time is up.

But it is easy to give advice when your child is 23 and those early years are long ago....

Sam



You don't stop laughing. because you grow old, you grow old. because you stop laughing!


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JCEDIT89's Photo JCEDIT89 SparkPoints: (167,089)
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6/3/08 3:49 P

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Sounds like you're getting good information.

Although time out is usually not my discipline method of choice, I would like to note that a 30-minute time out is excessive for a 3-4 year old child.

The general rule of thumb for time out is one minute per year in age. So a 3-4 year old child would be in time out for less than 4 minutes.

Also, I have found it helpful to sit with my child during time out. Sometimes this is not always possible (you are too angry; child is too angry; you need to attend to other children).

If you cannot sit with your child during time out, at least be within calling distance and let child know where you are at. You can also count down the time out for him/her. "You must stay there for 4 minutes." "You can come out in 2 minutes." And so on.

If you are able to sit with your child during time out, try hard to remain calm and not lecture. The point of time out is to re-group. To calm down and then be able to share feelings constructively and then walk away renewed and ready to try again.

Sometimes that includes an apology, sometimes not. An apology cannot be forced and should come from the heart.

Good luck to you.

"You cannot accept another with a hateful heart. You cannot hear the other with a closed mind. You cannot embrace with closed arms. You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist."
--Indira Priyadarshini Gandhi


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SULLIVAN20 Posts: 45
6/3/08 11:15 A

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We have 3 kids 8,7 and 5 and had the same issue. It was me letting the kids out of time out after my husband had put them in time out.
Our rule is the parent that puts the child in time out is the only one that can take them out of time out so that one is not the "bad" guy and the other the hero.

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MSTIGGERFAN's Photo MSTIGGERFAN SparkPoints: (59,059)
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6/3/08 11:06 A

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Jenn I had the same thing happen to me with my kids trying to play one parent against another so Greg and I had a talk and figured out together what we should do to make it not happen anymore. Talking is always the best policy I think and know he will understand. Good luck and hang in there. I have some sticky situations too and mine tend to make me want to eat. What a no no for me.

Cherly
I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me Philippians 4:13



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JUSTJ3NN's Photo JUSTJ3NN Posts: 159
6/3/08 10:51 A

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Thanks all. I needed a little re-assurance it. I know my husband is just trying to be supportive and help me out. It is even worse because he is now working from home so he will stop working to come down and "help" me. When he can't do that the kids will hit my nerves hard. I am going to try to sit down and talk to him tonight.

I am glad I found this team. You guys are great.

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I am just J3nn
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LEAHGORE's Photo LEAHGORE Posts: 6
6/3/08 10:48 A

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wow. it's really hard to listen to your kids cry and beg for your mate. Have you tried talking to your husband about the tension this creates for you when he is not there? What has worked for me on occasion is what I call the "get tough method". I get down on my child's level and say "That's enough." Firmly but quietly until they start to calm down. Then when things are quieter you could try telling him that you know he doesn't want to sit there, but that's the way it is. Daddy's not there and it's mommy's rule that he must be quiet and sit through a time out. It's hard for kids when there is no consistency. Just take a deep breath and keep doing what you're doing!

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CINDYYB's Photo CINDYYB Posts: 1,482
6/3/08 10:46 A

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It's okay, sweetie, just slow down and stop.

Today doesn't matter in the big pool of days that make up your life. Be patient with yourself, your hubby, and your little one. Give ALL of you a break and don't worry about sticking to your guns when everyone is tired and out of sorts.

What matters most is the love that you have for each other. Stop being in charge of child development, relationship development (with your hubby), and being perfect. Take a deep breath, think about what you love most about your family, and appreciate yourself for who you are, right now not in some distant future.

I can tell you are awesome and care so much!

God bless you!

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Cindy - Northern Virginia

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LYNNE5767 Posts: 134
6/3/08 10:44 A

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Dont give in, and talk with your husband, you two are supposed to be a team, making the best over all choices for children, not the easy stop them from crying cause you dont want to hear it anymore choice.
Your husband needs the time out to get back on track, with the rules that have already been set, rules he agreed to and supported.
Remind him of those things, LOVINGLY.............
Good luck

Lynne

And He said unto me, My Grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the Porwer of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmites, in reporoaches, in necessitites, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10


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JUSTJ3NN's Photo JUSTJ3NN Posts: 159
6/3/08 10:34 A

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I have 2 young children, one is 3 1/2 and the other is 10 months old. He thinks he is helping me by when I put our oldest in Time out coming down, talking to him, then letting him out and telling him to say he is sorry. Now he will not stay in time out, he cries for daddy (the rule in the house is time out does not start until you are quietly sitting in time out) and has been in time out now for almost 30 min.
He is crying and pushing my nerves, that are already shot from traveling this weekend and forgetting my depression medication. How do you handle this. Any ideas. Right now I want to run away or hurt my husband. I just don't know what to do. Any ideas will be appreciated....

I am just J3nn
Team Leader of the One day at a time Spark team. http://teams.sparkpeople.com/OneDay
Team Leader of the Daily Breakfast - Lovers of the podcast by Father Roderick and SQPN
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