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GREG32572's Photo GREG32572 Posts: 15,870
7/4/09 10:41 A

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I am not really sure if writing is therapeutic for me or not. When I have something to say I can sit down and write till the well runs dry, if I don't have something to say it feels like I cannot write to save my life. I have read stuff I have written before and to this day I am still not sure if i wrote it or not, I really think that I did but some of the writing is so well written (not tooting my own horn) that I find it hard to believe that I strung words together in that fashion. I love analogies and using examples to explain what is going on in my life, sometimes I guess I just surprise myself when I do it well *chuckles*

Talking has always been hard for me, when I was a kid emotions were not shown by "men" we didn't talk about stuff in my family, I learned to keep things to myself and I retreated to my room or to solitude and spent much of the time alone. I was called a baby if I cried, which I did often. So I learned to conceal and to mask and to control and it made me hard, and bitter and slightly evil in a certain way. I was cruel and ruthless and unforgiving, if you crossed me I would unleash a fury of hate on you that you did not want to see. Actually you didn't even need to cross me in order to experience that, certain people in my life I choose as an outlet for my rage. They were not bad people, never really "did" anything to me per say, maybe they were in my life because they were dating my best friend or they were hanging around and I just did not care for them, or I was jealous or something, it was really hard to tell. But I would focus all the self loathing and hatred which I had for myself but did not realize it and I would funnel it at this one person, and that person changed over the years, but for the longest time I needed someone to hate. If I had someone to hate then I did not have to hate the person in the mirror.

It was not a life I wanted but I had to protect myself and it was the only way I knew how. So I cut a path of chaos and destruction through my own life and those closest to me. Yet for a reason I really cannot understand it was not all bad. I have had a few people who thanked me for the influence I had on there life and told me I helped them to get somewhere. Now this boggles my mind more than anything, back then I was not a positive person AT ALL, I was barely a likeable person *chuckles* if you were my friend then 90% of the time I would give my shirt off my back or lay down in traffic to protect you, but still I could be a handful. So how I helped other people I really don't know.

I don't know if writing all this helps me, I don't think it does but its hard to tell. I know that it helps some of you, for whatever reason. I am not really sure why or how it helps other people, I just don't get it. I am not sure if I was reading what someone else was going through if it would help me or not. I just don't know. I guess most of the time I feel so trapped and isolated in my own world that what other people do or say or accomplish has no bearing on my life because I am not able to do what they do. Thatís probably the biggest reason that I share, is because I know where I have been and the crap I have been through and I know what I am accomplishing now and what I have seen. Part of me feels like it is useless to share because when you are trapped down in your own personal darkness it does not matter what another says, at least not to me, it just does not help. Or maybe it does. I am so driven by INSTANT results itís disgusting *chuckles* If I go to the gym and don't have a 6 pack by the end of the day I am just not going back. I want it all and I want it NOW!!! Which as you can imagine makes it difficult to accomplish goals *chuckles* Its VERY easy to say screw it, its not working and give up when you don't achieve instant results. But that hurts no one but myself. For some reason some people in my life love talking to me, they can sit there and ramble on about their problems for hours at a time, and I listen, its what I do I am a listener *chuckles* and it helps to make them feel a little bit better. I could never understand this because talking never helped me to feel better all it did was cause pain. Showing my weakness to the world was not something I could do, when I was a child I got yelled at and beaten for showing weakness, I sure as hell was not going to give anyone else the opportunity to do it.

Yet here I am sharing my life story with strangers, well I guess not strangers more like comrades in arms :)
it just amazes me I can share with you stuff I won't share with the people closest to me. But writing is the only way I can get this out, I could not "speak" these words, they would never come out of me in a coherent sentence.

I am not really sure why what I write is so helpful to other people, I dunno if it makes them not feel so alone in this world or that they know someone else out there is going through the same thing they are, I really just don't get it, but I don't question it anymore. I just go with it. If it helps one person then great, if not well I did it anyways *chuckles* Its not like I set out to write it to specifically change the world and save people. I would like to, I want so badly to help other people avoid the pain and suffering I have endured through my life, yet a part of me would not change it for anything. My life could have taken so many twists and turns throughout it.

I could have done SO many different things it blow my mind. At one time there was a sliver of a chance I could have been a standup comedian. I really think in my heart I could have "made" it too. I could actually see myself achieving fame, I cannot say that I could visualize much in my life but that was something I could almost touch. I never did it though, fear of failing crippled me and kept me from ever trying it, I would rather not try than get up in front of a group of people and fall on my face. I am glad I never went down that path because I know me and it would have been a furious and quick rise to fame and the fall from grace would have been spectacular, and horrifying and devastating. I would not have survived it. Maybe in another life I could have been a movie star or rock star or comedian...I don't know..Something is there I know that much.

but that path was not meant for me, had I taken it I would have destroyed my own life and who knows how many others. They path I am on I have caused pain and suffering to many people and for that I am deeply sorry more than anyone can ever know. But from that pain and suffering I have learned and grown so it was not in vain, I took something away from it and helped me to be a better person. For whatever reason my journey seems to strike a tune with people, why I really don't know. I don't think of myself as special, or different in anyway. I mean I do have a raging ego-maniac I barely keep in check, in my own mind I AM A BIG DEAL *chuckles* but only in my own mind. We are all alike, I don't care if you work at McDonald and drive a datsun or make movies and drive a hummer, we are all more alike than we will ever know. Famous people are just people too. They have the same problems, same issues, same messed up lives that we do, they just have the unfortunate career peril of having it splashed across the front pages for the world to see. We sit here and judge them and shake our heads when we ourselves could not bear such scrutiny in our own lives. Next time you find yourself judging someone famous or not, you need to stop and hang your head in shame and then ask yourself if you would like your life displayed for the world to see, I guarantee you that will give you a different perspective REAL quick *chuckles* Its easy to sit and judge but if we had to have our intimate life put on display we would start dancing a new tune in about .5 seconds. When you judge other people you really are only judging yourself, at least in my case.

I look at other people and instantly find out whats wrong with them to make myself feel better in my mind, oh that person is fat, or they are not that much to look at, or this or that. It's an instant defense mechanism; I judge them before they have a chance to judge me. Its shameful and its something I work on every day. How I can sit here and call another human being fat stuns and shames me, or even judge them in any way shape or form. My biggest fear is that people judge me on how I look, yet I do the same thing to them. I struggle hard to find a positive about people, instead of judging I tell myself "they look like they are kind, or I bet they have a great personality" something...anything..even people who are nasty, I try and stop and say "well maybe they are having a bad day" and I try not to hold it against them. This is probably my greatest challenge, because for someone who has always been a first strike, shoot first and ask questions later type of guy, always on the offense, always striving to crush anyone and everything before it ever gets close to hurting me, this has been an incredible self journey. But I am hurting no one but myself, judging other people does not hurt them, it destroys me..Because the more I do it to myself the more I judge myself and the more I think people judge me. I HATE going out to the store, because no matter what I go people look at me. I am 6'1 about 450 pounds give or take. I have a beard...kinda long hair and I am starting to get covered in tattoos, so suffice to say I do not "blend" in as much as I would like. All the time I have people looking me up and down, I have NO idea what they are thinking, but I put their words into my head "oh man look how fat that guy is", "I cannot believe how fat and disgusting he is" and on and on and on. Sometimes I force myself to play a game when I go to Wal-Mart. I walk in like I own the place feeling like a rock star, everyone who looks at me, if they are guys I think "ya you wish you could rock it like I do" if they are female its usually like "yes I know you want me" Its a stupid little self game that helps me get through the experience, some days I really start to believe my own press and I have to keep myself in check *chuckles* there is a VERY fine line between confidence and arrogance and I flirt with it all the time. I like to say I am an ego-maniac with poor self esteem.

I cannot change what other people think, I could look like Brad Pitt and have the body of a greek god and SOMEONE would still find fault with me or hate me for no reason what so ever. The whole world will never love you for who you are, its just a fact. The sooner we grasp that concept the better. We can only be who we are for ourselves, no more, no less. I have lived my life trying to be something or someone else for so long and I am sick to death of that. I REALLY love that 3 doors down song. Let me be Myself. I am actually going to post the lyrics to it here. You should go check out the video, I find it very powerful. I imagine it being sung to myself instead of to another person. Its good stuff.


I could have written this song. It's about my life. I love it when music mirrors my life. I find that very therapeutic.


www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pk8z0getxM

I guess I just got lost
being someone else.
I tried to kill the pain,
but nothing ever helped.
I left myself behind,
somewhere along the way
hoping to come back around
to find myself someday

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
to say that it's okay.
Tell me please
Would you one time let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

Would you let me be myself?

'Cause I'll never find my heart
behind someone else.
I'll never see the light of day
living in this cell.
It's time to make my way
into the world I knew.
And then take back all of these times
that I gave in to you

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
to say that it's okay.
Tell me please...
Would you one time let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

For a while,
if you don't mind,
let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

That's all I ever wanted from this world,
is to let me be me.

Please, would you one time
let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

Please, would you one time
let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

For a while, if you don't mind
let me be myself
so I can shine,
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

Would you one time
let me be myself
and let me be me.


" Taking ACTION is the ultimate power of Motivation. Nothing beats it, period."
`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~
Do not stop enjoying the wonders of life despite the inevitable hurting that impairs our soul. Hence, it does not make you less of a person when you weep in tears and are in distress. Nonetheless, learn to withstand the stings of time; rise on your feet for no one can ever bring back the soul in you and the beauty of life except you, and you and you."


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SILLYMOMX3's Photo SILLYMOMX3 Posts: 488
7/4/09 3:11 A

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I'm with ya. I don't think I had quite as a traumatic week as you did, but it was still a very down, very depressing week. And more than once I found myself wanting to just throw in the towel in a lot of ways, eating/weight loss efforts included. But then I would take a long hard look at far I had come. And I continuously used my favorite saying: "This too shall pass." And even though, in my darkest moments, I tried to tell myself that "NO! It won't pass! Things won't EVER get better! Might as well try to grab any pleasure from this life while you can in any way you can!"...I knew deep down inside that this mentality was skewed, wrong, false. I knew it was that lying, deceptive part of myself that is responsible for getting me into most of the messes of my life...my weight problem included. And even when I could see not even a GLIMMER of light at the end of the tunnel, I knew it was still there. And I knew that when I finally got to it, that it would illuminate everything...the good, bad, and ugly. And the last thing I wanted was to have to face myself, after coming out of that darkness and misery, only to find that I had let myself down...to find that I had sabotaged so much of my past hard work.

Anyway, I could ramble on forever. I think you get my point. It's just so easy to fool ourselves into thinking that when life has given us that good, swift kick in the teeth...it's easy to fall into that trap of thinking that we must stay down. But it's at those moments that we have to reach into the deepest depths of our will and determination and find a way to stand up and face life head-on again.

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with all of the issues that you are struggling with. It def sounds like you have found the right attitude...and really...your attitude will determine how things turn out for you. Just do whatever you must to keep your attitude right and your face to the sun!

*~~~Kara~~~*

Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction.
Anne Frank

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.
Maya Angelou

Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.
Arnold Bennett

I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness.
Mother Teresa



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SHELLYBEL456's Photo SHELLYBEL456 Posts: 1,667
7/3/09 9:53 P

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I am glad you are back and to let you know your gauntlet challenge got me back on track one day at a time thankyou and glad your back

michelle

CW 262 now
SW 285 as of September 2012
GW 135
I've been gaining weight due to car Accident and steroids trying so
Hard to get off this weight. Help ugh!!!!


www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1
002864946&ref=profile


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ZUZUMARIE's Photo ZUZUMARIE Posts: 2,797
7/3/09 8:40 P

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Glad you are back! Glad you made it through this week.

You are right. We just need to keep swimming

" Successful people have learned to make themselves do the right thing that has to be done when it has to be done, whether they like it or not."
~Aldous Huxley

"Let a joy keep you. Reach out your hands and take it when it runs by." ~Carl Sandburg

" We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb shame, we also numb joy, gratitude, etc"

Health is the goal and the weight loss will follow


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CRIT524's Photo CRIT524 Posts: 7,786
7/3/09 8:37 P

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Congratulations on many levels!

1. Making a choice that was right for you! So many of us make our choices based on who we might hurt and end up hurting ourselves. UNless you have a child YOU are the most important responsibility you have. That being said I understand that it hurts to hurt others.

2. Choosing life...life can be a bi@ch and we have all learned that at some point. Sometimes it is so overwhelming people do not choose life. Kudos to you for being the better, braver person and choosing the harder road..to go on living and dealing with things.

3. Writing things down..I think it helps to write things down. Even if it is a letter you tear up. In this case you will receive feedback and that's a great thing.

4. Surfacing..I think this one is self explanatory.

Welcome back!

__________________________________________ _____________
Overweight, fatigued, frumpy woman looking for thin, energetic, sexy woman within.
-cecelia


Alton Bay Old Home Day 5k 8/14/10 47.07
Run/Walk for Books 8/21/10 46.12




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GREG32572's Photo GREG32572 Posts: 15,870
7/3/09 8:23 P

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I really love that 3 Doors Down song: Let me be myself. check it out for yourself. I just like to have catchy titles for my blogs but I guess in a round about sort of way the lyrics might just fit in

Well this is about as much as I am going to post about my personal issues I have been dealing with, I dunno really if it will be helpful to anyone but here it is anyways

I've mulled around writing this for days, not really sure what I wanted to say or how to say it.
Life being life decided it would be fun to kick me below the belt, which is alright we have tangled before. Rarely thought does it take multiple cheap shots in a row, but I guess it wanted to see if I was paying attention and if I could really walk the walk seeing as how we all know I love to talk the talk.

I had planned on taking a short "vacation" of sorts from here and other places in my life, as usual I wrote about it and posted it. Normally my MO is to just kind of blend into the background and slide out of sight and handle my business and not really pay any attention to anything or anyone. Seeing as how I like to run my face and attract attention its really not that easy to do these days.

I had been dealing with something that weighed on my mind for quite some time, not really sure what the right way to go was, and so I just kind of sat there waiting for some sort of a sign. Really you could sit in the same spot for years and never get a sign and then take a single step and get smacked up side of the head. Life and I have a love/hate relationship so smacking me in the face seems to be the preferred method of delivering signs to me.


I made an extremely painful choice to start moving forward which effected others in my life which I knew that it would. My choices came at the worst possible time as someone who depended on me greatly was in there greatest hour of need yet I had made the choice to move forward with my life. It was a very traumatic experience for me as I do not like to cause others pain despite what people think about me, I might not show emotions in the same way most people do but that does not mean I do not have them and they are not strong. I probably reached the lowest point I have ever been at in my life and I was on the verge of being emotionally destroyed, so much to the point I considered suicide just a mere days ago.
I wasn't depressed per say, I was in such emotional agony and hurting so badly at what my choices had done to another life I did not think I could survive the pain. For a brief time I did not think I would make it till sunup, but I did.

No matter how painful the choice I made I considered what I thought was a "sign" that I had made the right choice, so I had mixed feelings about the whole thing, bouncing back and force from pain to wondering if I could trust the feeling in my heart I was doing the right thing. Now before I really got settled into what was going on life decided to bring a swift boot to my face and take me down to my knees with an equally traumatic event, which confidently also effected the first traumatic event in my life, although not technically connected they became as such.

so now I am dealing with 2 events that on there own would be enough to give me a run for my money and take me off my feet, but now I had to deal with them together. And then behind that came 2 more events that I would not classify as "traumatic" and on there own would not have been that big a deal but combined with the mother of a week I was having they took me from my knees to flat on my face.

I did not feel like doing CRAP!! I was emotionally and mentally drained and spent. Now I don't share this to get attention, I really prefer NOT to share stuff, I keep it all bottled up until I explode or have a meltdown, but seeing as how it kind of all ties into what I tell people and the things I post I think its relevant to share this whole experience.

One day I just lay in bed feeling sorry for myself. I did not want to get up, I did not want to stick to my routine, I just wanted to wallow in my sadness. I got up a few times and wandered around and then ended back up in bed. As I lay there I told myself that I needed to get up and responded I really did not want too, and then I heard the words I say to people over and over again: Motivation is not wanting to do something yet finding a way to do it anyways..So I drug my butt out of bed and tried to get about my day.

The words of Encouragement I posted that day were aimed DIRECTLY at me, I don't think anyone could have more perfectly chosen words that directly spoke about my situation and what I was going through. Ill post them below.



" You can't change what you have started, but you can change the direction you are going. It's not what you are going to do, but it's what you're doing now that counts."
Napoleon Hill --- Submitted by James Padilla --- Philippines



" Obstacles are only opportunities to succeed or fail; how we handle them determines what will happen! "
Written in 2009 by Art Hurst --- Kansas



" Courage is reclaiming your life after a devastating event robs you of your confidence and self-esteem. It is facing tomorrow with a firm resolve to reach deep within yourself to find another strength, another talent. It is taking yourself to another level of your own existence where you are once again whole, productive, special."
Catherine Brit --- Submitted by Lauren C. --- New Jersey


I sat here and used a stream of 4 letter words and profanity that would make a sailor blush. Life was feeling frisky that day and wanted to poke the bear. I was forced to swallow the bitter medicine of truth that I serve up to you all. Each quote slapped me in the face with reality and made me realize that this is what I am talking about every day.

The last quote about Courage could have been hand written about me specifically it fit that well. Now I go to the website and copy these down..some days I have to search...that day those 3 were new on the page exactly as they were posted above.

On top of that all the outpouring of support from people was very moving as well, I cannot thank you all enough. So I had to sit here for a while and really think about my situation and what it is I am doing here and the things I do everyday. I either had to suck it up and back up my words or I needed to just delete my account and stop posting stuff I did not believe in or would not live myself. Well obviously we see which choice I made. Did I achieve my goals everyday this week? No...did I eat right everyday..No...did I accomplish the gauntlet challenge which I so boldly threw down to everyone...NO

But I did accomplish some things some days, not everyday, not all the time but I did do something, and that's what its all about. Normally in the past I would have said the hell with it and just given up, once I start something and then stop it, its nearly IMPOSSIBLE for me to restart again, no matter how hard I try, how much I want to, it just cannot be done. And yet this time I stayed the course, granted it probably looked like I was driving under the influence because I was all over the map and missing the road more then I was hitting it, but I stayed moving, even if I was at a crawl I did not stop. Now this is not about people congratulating me on this, I am not posting this for praise and honestly I do not want it so please don't do it.


I am sharing this with you so that you can learn something from it, from me, because I felt like I learned something. I know if I don't stick to my routine I cannot hope to achieve my goals, but I have also learned that the words I keep saying to people over and over and over again that I THOUGHT I believe are actually true...one foot in front of the other..doesnt matter if you move and inch at a time you WILL get there eventually. Some days I moved inches...some days I moved feet...but I did not stop...I kept moving...we have to be like sharks...if they stop swimming for even a moment they will die. I did not check my facts on that and if its incorrect I don't care..I still like it :D I heard that once and it stuck with me..you gotta keep moving because if you stop for an instant you will die.

So I sat here pitching a fit some days not really wanting to do stuff, half the time I just didn't do it, the other half of the time I found a way to get it done. I am not different or have any special powers or am I better than anyone of you, I am exactly the same in everyway, well unless you are female then we have some differences. My point of this mindless rambling is it doesn't matter what you are going through, it does not matter how ruthless and bitter life gets, the choice is and always will be OURS

" You can't change what you have started, but you can change the direction you are going. It's not what you are going to do, but it's what you're doing now that counts."
Napoleon Hill --- Submitted by James Padilla --- Philippines


Life takes a loved one from us, we have to keep moving on or we can fall to pieces and slump down to the spot we are standing on, life rips our heart out we can weep and cry and moan or we can weep and cry and moan yet keep moving forward.

It does not matter how nasty life gets, all that matters is how we react to it. I have gone through some stuff this week I did not think I could endure, yet I did. Not only did I survive it but I did not abuse myself because of it, I did not do everything perfect, far from it. But I did not stop swimming, I kept moving. I JUST DID IT. And you can too. Even when you think you can't, force yourself to get up and do it anyways, you have the power, you always have and you always will. It might suck badly but make yourself do it anyways. I did and believe me if I can find a way then ANYONE reading this can. It doesn't matter what happened to me or what happens to you, life's a witch sometimes, we cannot change that all we can do is choose how we react to it. I have tasted freedom, I have taste success, and I like what I tasted. I do not wish to drop back down to eating dirt again because that really sucked, and it does not have alot of vitamins in it.


I did not beat myself up over it, I did not get down on myself. I knew that if i did not do what I set out to do I would not be that much closer to my goals, so I did what I could and that which I could not do, I let slide for the time being. However I just did not let it slide too long, when I had the strength I got the job done. I did not feel like doing my stuff today but I did it. I did not follow my routine as I have it layed out but still I got everything accomplished, the job got done regardless of how.

And that's all I really wanted to say, we cannot let life side track us, because really its not life's fault, its ours....life may throw some pretty horrific stuff at us from time to time but our reactions to it and how we treat ourselves are 100% choices. We might not feel that way at times but its true, and we can deny it and lay blame elsewhere but where does that really get us? further away from our goals and further away from the freedom and the wonderful life we all deserve.

I don't know if I accomplished what I meant to in writing this, I shared as much as I want to share...the details are insignificant and I appreciate everyone wanting to help and listen but its not about that...I will be fine, I proved to myself I could live through something that seemed to devastating at the time I could not, I also did things I never accomplished before in my life...and that was not give up and not stop doing the things for myself that were positive. I have been where you are right now, where life seems impossible, where change seems like world away...where nothing seems like it will help... The ONLY difference between us right now is I am doing something about it..that does not make me special more better..it just means I have stopped making excuses for myself and stopped blaming life or other people...well maybe I am still doing that stuff but no matter because I am still putting one foot in front of the other and I am moving forward...it might not be fast...but this is not a race...its a journey...I can sit here and post stuff all day long about what I do or don't do and that wont mean crap to you, you have to find your own path and make your own journey, I guess I just want to give you hope that its possible if you but try and don't give up no matter what.

My point is do or don't do the choice is yours just as it is mine, you owe nothing to me or anyone else...no one but yourself...the sooner we all realize that the better off we will be and the chains of bondage we impose on ourself will begin to crack and fall off

Well Winamp is trying to help tonight, as I sit here and finish up writing the song Never Surrender by Corey Hart is playing..*chuckles* what the heck ill post the lyrics here


Never Surrender.

Just a little more time is all we're asking for
Cause just a little more time could open closing doors
Just a little uncertainty can bring you down
And nobody wants to know you now
And nobody wants to show you how
So if you're lost and on your own
You can never surrender
And if your path won't lead you home
You can never surrender
And when the night is cold and dark
You can see, you can see light
Cause no-one can take away your right
To fight and never surrender

With a little perserverence you can get things down
Without the blind adherence that has conquered some
And nobody wants to know you now
And nobody wants to show you how
So if you're lost and on your own
You can never surrender
And if your path won't lead you home
You can never surrender
And when the night is cold and dark
You can see, you can see light
Cause no-one can take away your right
To fight and never surrender, to never surrender


" Taking ACTION is the ultimate power of Motivation. Nothing beats it, period."
`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~
Do not stop enjoying the wonders of life despite the inevitable hurting that impairs our soul. Hence, it does not make you less of a person when you weep in tears and are in distress. Nonetheless, learn to withstand the stings of time; rise on your feet for no one can ever bring back the soul in you and the beauty of life except you, and you and you."


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Meal Replacement Shakes 12/7/2013 11:51:36 AM

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