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DELLMEL SparkPoints: (50,015)
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9/2/13 8:25 P

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You have to learn to look over peoples. They going to talk about you no matter what. Fat or skinny. Just look at them and just say I'm loving all of me. If you don't no one else will.

GOING FOR THE NEW AND FITTED ME


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BEHKHEKKHUN Posts: 253
8/29/13 9:05 P

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Wow, a lot great responses. Thanks.

It seems like there is a can be a dsire to be defensive, or even vindictive. And I don't like either of those sides of myself. But having a planned and measured "company line" would be good idea.

Tim

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HOUNDLOVER1's Photo HOUNDLOVER1 Posts: 7,911
8/29/13 7:45 P

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I agree with TinaJane, there are many reasons why people ask questions. I think a smile and a friendly comment is the best response in any case. It might open the door to educate these people on how to get healthy.
Birgit

You can talk to God all you want and that's great, but the changes happen when you start listening to him.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN OTHERS.




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OOLALA53's Photo OOLALA53 Posts: 8,305
8/29/13 7:43 P

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I have asked people if they have lost weight on purpose because I don't want to imply that people have to fit the media thin image to look good. The BMI scale is general. It is very possible that someone at the low end could be underweight for him or her, just as an INDIVIDUAL at the high end of normal or even overweight but active may be perfectly healthy and have a long, disease free life. Not everyone looks better at the low end of the BMI nor are they necessarily healthier. But it's an individual choice.

It also seems perfectly acceptable for a doctor to ask if losing weight was on purpose since unintended weight loss is a symptom of diabetes and other problems.

Also, some people compliment by teasing. They may feel embarrassed to be forthright and thus praise with exaggeration.

I would think someone would have to know you very well to tell you outright that you look too thin. One of my colleagues had weight loss surgery and is very skinny now. I happen to think that she doesn't look very good, though. She doesn't look very vibrant. But it doesn't matter what I think. It's between her and her doctors. I would never think to say anything. I don't know her well enough and she certainly never asked me what I think. I've actually never said anything to her about it.

But it's also true that some people might be threatened.

Why not just try to give people and yourself the benefit of the doubt? Just say you assume they mean their comment as a compliment and thank them for noticing your hard work. Then change the subject!

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IAMAGEMLOVER's Photo IAMAGEMLOVER Posts: 22,824
8/29/13 4:41 P

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Even my family is telling me that I am too skinny, I get asked Did you lose the weight on purpose. People tell me I look great and then ask a family member if I have cancer or something. I don't pay attention. I just had an annual physical, talked to my Dr and everything is perfect he said. My labs all came back normal and he said my BMI is perfect. I actually thought I needed to lose a few more pounds as I am suppose to weigh 110-130 and I am 125-128.

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TINAJANE76's Photo TINAJANE76 SparkPoints: (61,645)
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8/29/13 3:18 P

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I would personally never offer my opinion on the matter unless I knew the person extremely well, but I can offer an alternative perspective. I come from a family of big people--we're basically Viking stock--and I've struggled with my weight my whole life, as just about everyone in my family has. I've been severely obese at some points and so underweight at others that I even stopped getting my period for a while when I was a teenager and I've fielded some not-so-nice comments when I was at both ends of the spectrum. I've learned to handle them and, at my current weight, I'm happily neither too big nor too small and have managed to finally take control of my weight swings. The only time I've voiced my opinion on the matter has been with my two younger sisters. They've both struggled as I have and it worries me to see them repeating some of the same negative patterns I have. It's good to strive for a healthy weight, but some people do take things too far sometimes and don't know when enough is enough. I've known this struggle and it's killed me to see people I love repeat my mistakes. So when I saw that my sisters (at different times in the past) were going down that same road, I couldn't hold my tongue out of love and concern. I've tried to approach the topic sensitively and with concrete examples of where I went wrong in the past and how I've changed my attitudes and habits in a healthier way. I hope that I'm a better role model now that I've stabilized my weight and am not taking drastic and unhealthy measures to achieve the lowest weight possible, but am living moderately at a weight that is appropriate, sustainable and allows me to live without constant restriction.

This may not be relevant to what you're going through, but seemingly negative comments aren't always out of jealousy or a skewed sense of what a healthy weight is. Sometimes they stem from genuine concern over a person taking things too far.

Edited by: TINAJANE76 at: 8/29/2013 (17:05)
My name's Tina. I lost more than 90 pounds between March 2010 and March 2012 and have been keeping if off ever since.

Central European Time (CET), Venice, Italy


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NELLJONES's Photo NELLJONES SparkPoints: (203,673)
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8/29/13 11:56 A

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Skirner, unintended weight loss can be a symptom of another problem. I have a friend who was thrilled to have some weight fall off. Then she was in a motorcycle accident in another state, and the emergency doc called her at home a few days later and told her to get to her doctor immediately. Turned out she had a thyroid problem. Once she got that taken care of the weight came right back on.

Nell

No one ever got up in the morning wishing she'd eaten more the night before.

Original Goal: 114. Current old lady goal: 106.


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SKIRNIR's Photo SKIRNIR Posts: 5,172
8/29/13 11:28 A

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My doctor was the only one who asked if I lost the weight on purpose. I had no idea how to respond to that...

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CELIAMINER's Photo CELIAMINER SparkPoints: (156,855)
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8/29/13 11:22 A

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For the most part, I looked at "negative" comments as reverse compliments. "You've lost too much!" translated into "Looking good!" in my mind. The more humorous ones were the comments that danced all around the topic as the person tried to find out if I was sick. Only one person was straightforward enough to ask if I lost the weight on purpose. Honestly, I know my skin looks so much better despite being loose, and the muscle definition is something I love to show off now, so I don't give any weight (pun intended) to negative comments.

Celia
Maintaining since May 19, 2012


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SUZYMOBILE's Photo SUZYMOBILE Posts: 9,869
8/29/13 10:28 A

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I get that all the time and find it quite annoying. It happens so much that my standard response (and my husband's as well, when they ask him if I'm all right) is that I had high blood pressure and arthritis pain, that my doctor said I should lose weight, I did, and now I'm healthy. (I would love to add, "Can you say the same?" but I don't! emoticon )

I find such comments especially insidious because, in the past, I allowed them to undermine my efforts, and I'd gain weight back, thinking "After all, everyone thinks I'm too thin. Maybe I really am." I'm finally strong enough not to listen!

"Awareness is all."

"Letting go is much harder than fighting."
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“Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.” —Gilda Radner

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." --Reinhold Niebuhr


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NELLJONES's Photo NELLJONES SparkPoints: (203,673)
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8/29/13 10:09 A

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I have been thin for a very long time now, and I get less comment about my size than about what I eat. People ask me why I'm not eating doughnuts: "If I were as thin as you, I'd sure eat them!" Which is why I'm thin, of course. People seem to think that just being thin confers an exception to the First Law of Thermodynamics. They also think I don't eat doughnuts because I don't like them; that would be the only reason not to eat them. Hmmm. I really don't care what other people think about my weight, or about what I do or don't eat. It doesn't matter what common public perception of "normal" is. I am normal for me.

It IS hard to find clothing that fits, though, because of vanity sizing.

Nell

No one ever got up in the morning wishing she'd eaten more the night before.

Original Goal: 114. Current old lady goal: 106.


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PLMITCH's Photo PLMITCH SparkPoints: (132,403)
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8/29/13 9:45 A

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Thankfully pant sizes for guys are still done in inches - so a 32/30 is the same 32/30 I wore back in high school! Same with neck sizes on dress shirts (I'm wearing a 15 and a half). Casual and t-shirts - you got me there! I know I wear a medium now, but no idea if that is the same as a medium was 30+ years ago.

But I do agree that what is considered "normal" from a size perspective is much different than 10, 20, or 30 years ago. BTW, one poster stated obesity is nearly an epidemic -- let me correct you -- it IS an epidemic (at least in the US)! Plenty of blame to go around as to why we got to this point, but at the end of the day, each of us is responsible for how we live our lives. I think if more people take that attitude, the obesity problem could be fixed.

Patrick
Team Leader, 50+ Males and Homebrewing

http://www.fitbit.com/user/2CKRJ7


SW = 287 (01/08/07)
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LJR4HEALTH's Photo LJR4HEALTH Posts: 32,265
8/29/13 6:59 A

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Thankfully I have not had the negative comments this time around in fact the other way positive comments I'm not much for getting any kind of attention but years ago I was asked if I was ill and people did bring food to my home they thought I wasn't eating and there was plenty of food in the house emoticon

But I agree with others there will be those who are jealous that you have been able to lose the weight and that you are dedicated to a healthy life Easier said then done to let it go and not pay any attention to the negative comments BEHKHEKKHUN hang tight you are doing and have done what is best for your health! That's a very healthy BMI

Birgit hit a good point on clothing sizing everyone has become use to see big people I weigh the same as I did in high school and I was wearing a 11/12 now I'm in a size 6 clothes designers have done a big disfavor to us by supper sizing the sizing of clothes perception has been very distorted bigger has become better

Linda (Florida - Eastern Standard Time )

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MJREIMERS's Photo MJREIMERS Posts: 3,649
8/29/13 6:43 A

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I was asked, "Is everything ok?" the other day by our pastor. I have been maintaining my weight loss for over two years so it's not like I've lost any more. I replied that I've been working out and the response was, "I guess you have!" This really bothered me at the time.

The same day another person commented that I was going to "blow away in the wind." Really? It was all made better with a chat in line at Target with a cyclist. He was very fit and basically said that if I wasn't married he would have asked to ride bikes together. He got it because he's "there," too.

What I've come to realize it that people are so used to see others overweight, since obesity is now almost an epidemic, that they aren't used to seeing people in their healthy weight range. Even my mom says I'm too skinny. My BMI is a healthy 20.4 so well in midrange for my height of 5' 8". I know that I'm healthy and I'm staying this way! Running has really toned me and I like it!

Hang in there and as long as you stay in a healthy weight and BMI range, you're doing emoticon People will "come around" as they see you being happier and healthier. Who knows they may take your example and become healthier themselves!


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BESSHAILE's Photo BESSHAILE Posts: 2,480
8/29/13 6:33 A

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Wow - so many people have good responses to your dilemma. I haven't heard any negative comments but I'm from a generation and in a part of the country where the dictum is "If you can't say somthin' nice, don't say nuthin' attall".

If you lose a lot of weight, it's natural for people who care about you to worry if you have been sick. After all, weight loss is SO hard that many many people just don't lose weight. And modern processed food is so fattening that what used to be abnormal .... 200 pound women who are only 5'5" ... is not so abnormal any more. if someone were to ask me if I had been ill I would assume they cared about me and wanted to offer help - so it would be good to be able to tell them I was doing fine.

and I lost weight so amazingly slowly (averaging 3 ounces a week!!!) that people had time to get used to the new me. Still - when I do get compliments on how much weight I've lost I always have to swallow the shame I feel that I ever got so heavy to begin with before I can accept the compliment. so .. I take a deep breath, swallow down my shame, and say Thank You. I had to work very hard to get like this.

I hope you get tons more positive comments than negative ones. they are so m uch easier to swallow. emoticon

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HAKAPES's Photo HAKAPES SparkPoints: (42,521)
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8/29/13 3:47 A

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I always get this feedback in my family and among my friends. What I notice they have a lot of difficulty to adjust to the new me, even after two years.
I asked them on an adult way to support me, this is important for me, and it makes feel very bad during the whole day when they tell me negative comments. Some improvement, but not much.

The new people that I meet, they don't complain.
They only know me how I am now. Healthy, sporty, good looking. No baggage of old images of me influencing their perception.


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HOUNDLOVER1's Photo HOUNDLOVER1 Posts: 7,911
8/29/13 2:06 A

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People lose perspective of what a healthy weight is because they mostly see overweight people. Clothes sizes change to where what used to be a size 8 is now a size 2.
Even physicians are getting used to seeing bigger people all the time and get a distorted perspective of normal.
Birgit

You can talk to God all you want and that's great, but the changes happen when you start listening to him.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN OTHERS.




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ASHLEYGILLE's Photo ASHLEYGILLE SparkPoints: (11,117)
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8/28/13 10:22 P

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Sounds like you're doing great! Other than yourself, the only person I would listen to is your doctor. I agree with a previous poster, maybe let others know that you've worked hard and are proud of the new you and their negative comments hurt. And surround yourself with positive people. Bet you look and feel super!

PLMITCH's Photo PLMITCH SparkPoints: (132,403)
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8/28/13 10:16 P

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I ran into that comment a few times -- it was from folks who were badly overweight, so I just wrote it off, and now if anyone says it to me I just quote statistics...

Patrick
Team Leader, 50+ Males and Homebrewing

http://www.fitbit.com/user/2CKRJ7


SW = 287 (01/08/07)
1st Goal Weight = 210
(achieved 03/13/2012)
2nd Goal Weight = 199
(achieved 05/03/2012)
3rd Goal Weight = 187 [100 pounds lost since starting on SP]
(achieved 08/18/2012)
Final Goal Weight = 179
(achieved 02/21/2013)


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SUNNYBEACHGIRL's Photo SUNNYBEACHGIRL Posts: 2,038
8/28/13 10:08 P

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I also think friends and some family members are afraid of being left behind as you get a more active lifestyle.

Sunny in Southern California PST

Challenges are what make life full of stress and anxiety and overcoming them is what can wear you out. Stay stong.

Don't stay down, every storm runs out of rain.

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SKIRNIR's Photo SKIRNIR Posts: 5,172
8/28/13 9:56 P

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Yeah, a number of us had shared similar thoughts and comments that others have given us on another thread in the group. Mine was a person made a joke about how the wind could blow me away now. I think people just are used to how you used to look and they see the new you and well, they can't get used to it and yes, I do think some are jealous. I think my twin was jealous. Others, I think feel a bit condemned by the successful weight loosers, as they know they could do it too, but they don't want to have to work so hard. Led to some interestingly uncomfortable conversations.

3/31/12 Trailbreaker half marathon 13.1 miles in 3 hours 13 minutes
4/20/13 Neighborhood Watch 5K 39:17.6
10/5/13 5K Grace Pet Fest 38:47.6
12/1/13 Secret City Half Marathon around 3 hours and 4 minutes
4/19/14 Butterflies for Hope 5K for Lupus 39:23.8 (I hurt my back a few days before, and though it was my first official 5K with some jogging, my back hurt, so was very slow.)


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MOONCHILD8's Photo MOONCHILD8 Posts: 6,521
8/28/13 9:24 P

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Wow! I think people who have negative comments about a weight loss must be jealous. They must not be doing so well. When people are unhappy they try to make others unhappy too. Do not listen to them. Linda from bean town

Linda from bean town EST


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MAREE1953's Photo MAREE1953 SparkPoints: (68,258)
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8/28/13 9:15 P

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In my humble opinion, you should be authentic and direct -- tell them just what you told us. That you are proud of your weight loss and have worked hard, that you feel great! Be who you are!

One of life's truths: Not everyone will like you (or your hair, your shirt, your car, your house, etc. etc.and that's okay).

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NELLJONES's Photo NELLJONES SparkPoints: (203,673)
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8/28/13 9:03 P

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I don't listen to negative personal comments about anything, weight, hair, shoes, lipstick color, car, whatever. It all goes right over my head. I don't redecorate whenever someone makes a snide comment about my house, or throw out a shirt or cut my hair because someone doesn't like it. Why would a comment about weight be any different?

Nell

No one ever got up in the morning wishing she'd eaten more the night before.

Original Goal: 114. Current old lady goal: 106.


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MARTHAWILL's Photo MARTHAWILL Posts: 3,725
8/28/13 8:59 P

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Oh yes. People were asking my husband after my 100 lb weight loss if I had cancer or some other serious illness. Now that I've gained back about 20 lbs (fluctuates all the time) and my BMI again describes me as overweight, I am being told I look so much better. More people are now saying they didn't like how I looked. Honestly, there were times I looked in the mirror at my wrinkly skin and felt I really looked older. However, in actual fact I think perhaps lots of folks just couldn't get used to the new me.

In the end, as long as you know you have chosen a healthy goal weight and feel great, you have to take what others say with a grain of salt.

Congratulations on your success!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Mary
EST

Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results.

Willie Nelson

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BEHKHEKKHUN Posts: 253
8/28/13 8:42 P

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One thing I have struggled with through the process is negative comments about weight loss. I had been overweight by 20 KG/45 lbs for years. I kept active, riding my bike to appointments/work, running with my wife etc. But when it seemed my weight was never going to change it steady climbing direction, and I was almost to 90kg/ 200 lbs, I needed to do something.

But after starting to focusing on more cardio, and really watching what I put in my face hole I slowly started losing weight. I lost about 2.5 kg/5.5 lbs a month on average. Which is a good rate I think.

I got some positive comments but some negative comments too. Some people said I looked too skinny. BMI was about 22, and had been 28 or so. This lead me to question myself. But I would look at the BMI chart and see that I was fine. Still...

Then the other one that bugged me the most, "have you been ill?" I really disliked this question. On one side, I had been working my butt off. Two, its kinda of insulting.

I was just wondering how people have dealt with negative comments and what other negative comments people have gotten.

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