Author: Sorting Last Post on Top ↓ Message:
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
6/1/10 8:53 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Received this in an e-mail today. Enjoy.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play my bagpipes at a
Graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends so the
service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in rural Oregon .

I wasn't familiar with the mountain roads so I ended up getting lost and,
being a typical man, didn't stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived
an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had already gone and the hearse
was nowhere in sight. The only ones left were the diggers and crew and
they were on their lunch break.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side
of the grave, looked down, and saw that the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do so I started to play. The workers put
down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul
for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played
before. And as I played Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, " I
never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting In septic tanks
for twenty years."


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
5/25/10 3:00 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Dishonesty Doesn't Pay

One year, at Western, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go over to Toronto and party with some friends there during the Vanier Cup weekend. So they did this and had a great time.

However, with their partying and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Western until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find their Professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to Toronto for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

The Professor thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the Prof had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said:
(95 points) Which tire?

- Don A. Wicks, Instructor Graduate School of Library & Information Science Elborn College, University of Western Ontario

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
5/12/10 2:53 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Comments Never Heard At Church

1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
5/6/10 9:16 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head!"

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
4/23/10 2:19 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
When my son was two or three and learning the ways of American life, he watched me place some bread in both slots of our toaster so that it would be ready to cook just before serving.

Considering the opportunity, he pulled a chair to the counter and politely asked, "Mommy, may I flush the toaster?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
4/22/10 11:42 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon Never saw that one coming! emoticon
Here's one a friend sent me.

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is
hilarious! It's amazing how much things have changed in the last 30 years.
*************
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with
their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were
growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every
morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids
about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I
can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it
so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know
how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If
we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up
ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a
letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street
and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents
beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had
permission to spank us! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you
wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it
yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the
radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and screw it all
up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play
our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would
come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled,
Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were
on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's
it!

There weren't any cell phones either. If you left your house, you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to
be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY!!! Think of the horror... not
being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah,
right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the
phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your
parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection
agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your
chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games
with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little
square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no
multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you
could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster
and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find
out what was on! You were outta luck when it came to channel surfing!
You had to get off your rear end and walk over to the TV to change the
channel!!! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get
cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to
wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rats!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat
something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all
day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back
seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across
the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your
head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place.

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't
have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
WESCOBAR's Photo WESCOBAR Posts: 719
4/21/10 10:20 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
My contribution:

Q) Why do sharks on swim in salt water?


A) Because pepper water makes them sneeze!





Be flexible, be yourself and forgive yourself often.

Eleanor Roosevelt: You must do the thing you think you cannot do.


 current weight: 140.6 
 
225
203.9
182.8
161.7
140.6
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
4/20/10 11:49 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice ..
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
4/19/10 2:23 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Taking Down The Flag:

"My husband was serving his last few years of military service on active duty with an Army reserve unit. There were three branches of military reserve units at our last duty station. During one month, my husband and his buddy were assigned to take down the flag at the end of the day, which is a very formal affair to watch.

One day my husband and his buddy marched solemnly out to the flag pole and saluted the flag. Then his buddy begin to haul the flag down. After a minute of this and not seeing a flag come down, they both looked up.

The flag had already been taken down."


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
4/16/10 11:27 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

Kitchen Wizard

"My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."



Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 4/16/2010 (11:28)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
SLENDERELLA61's Photo SLENDERELLA61 SparkPoints: (155,536)
Fitness Minutes: (115,412)
Posts: 8,044
4/15/10 3:28 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
My daughter came home from 3rd grade (twenty years ago) and asked me if I knew how Eskimos make babies. I blinked a bit, but asked how. She said, "They rub their noses until the little buggers pop out!" I laughed with relief.

Central Florida, Eastern Standard Time Zone

Marsha's Keys to Success = Tracking! Super Foods! Step Up Cardio! And most important: Quit Quitting!!


 current weight: 1.2  over
 
5
2.5
0
-2.5
-5
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
4/15/10 12:20 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
An antelope and a lion entered a diner and too a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, " I'll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes."
"And what will your friend have?"
"Nothing," replied the antelope.
The waiter persisted," Isn't he hungry?"
"Hey, if he was hungry." said the antelope,"would I be sitting here?"

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
4/6/10 12:33 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what had caused the accident. " I really can't remember," the snail replied. "You see, it al happened so fast!" emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
3/27/10 1:36 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Kid's Talk To God In Prayer

1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and
Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for
was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people
to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will
tell me.
Love Alison

5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene

6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses
his golf words in the house?
Anita

7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in
the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can
never do it.
Nancy

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
Glenn

9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was
a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If
you don't, who does?
Nathan

11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was
it an accident?
Norma

12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old
days and don't do any now?
Billy

14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer
camp this year.
Peter

15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other
so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK
with me and my brother.
Larry

16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come
yet. What's up? Don't forget.
Mark

17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but
it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha

18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you
my new shoes.
Barbara

19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just
know him through the business?
Donny

20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God
than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just
saying that because you are already God.
Charles

21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in
the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff

22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!
Frank

( And, saving the best for last )

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw
the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.
Thomas



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
3/20/10 4:57 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon Too funny!

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
MYGEORGE's Photo MYGEORGE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (55,384)
Posts: 2,533
3/20/10 4:30 P

Send Private Message
Reply
MOMS IN GROUP THERAPY

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."



I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.


 current weight: 140.0 
 
234
210.5
187
163.5
140
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
3/20/10 2:21 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are
our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is
something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to
His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve. we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering
why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you? " said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it! " Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that
Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern
was set and it has never changed.


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
3/18/10 12:15 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden......Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.


But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
3/14/10 1:00 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A Florida Squirrel Gets Religion

There were five houses of religion in a small Florida town:
The
Presbyterian Church,

The Baptist Church ,

The Methodist Church ,

The Catholic Church and

The Jewish Synagogue...


Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were pre-destined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.


In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it.

The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But......The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.




Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
3/13/10 4:27 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

A TRUE IRISH GHOST STORY

This happened a while ago in Belfast , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's true.

John Bradford, a 20 yr old Queen's University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....

"Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it."
emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
3/10/10 7:59 P

Send Private Message
Reply
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, A story in the LA Times read: California archaeologists, finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.

One week later. A local newspaper in Tennessee reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Maryville, Tennessee, Wade and Bob Dudley, self-taught archaeologists, reported that they found absolutely nothing. They therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Tennessee had already gone wireless.



Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
3/9/10 10:30 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

Never Be Late

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
3/8/10 10:30 P

Send Private Message
Reply
Catholic
Horses


One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, O'Brian noticed a Priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse--a very long shot---
won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, O'Brian watched with interest the old Priest step onto the track.

Sure enough, as the horses of the 5th race came to the starting gate the Priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

O'Brian made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the
horse the Priest had blessed won the race.

O'Brian collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless for the 6th race.

The Priest again blessed a horse.

O'Brian bet big on it, and it won. O'Brian was elated.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, O'Brian was pulling in some serious money.

By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

O' Brian also observed the Priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

O'Brian knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.

O'Brian, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won..

Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings---all of it!".

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

"Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."


Edited by: EEVEE1 at: 3/8/2010 (22:31)
Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
3/8/10 6:57 A

Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
RUSSLANE's Photo RUSSLANE Posts: 401
3/7/10 10:18 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Well, sometimes I just can't help myself:

True Story.

I live in the French Quarter at the moment (as I said, so much for "clean" right there!) and I was walking back home. Some guy was trying to figure out the labyrinthine parking laws in the FQ, so I help the guy out.

I mention I live here and point to my house. This man, older 40s, heavy set, fully donned in 1k+ corporate ware. He struck me as one of the CEOs that like to slum the quarter to feel "Exotic."

"What do you do here?"

"Well sir, I'm a writer. I run a web site, teach class, do all sorts of stuff."

"Oh, well I'm an artist too"

I couldn't help myself. "Of course you are."

He either didn't get the mockery or didn't pretended not to. "I paint portraits and I live here during the weekends. May I ask you something?"

"It's your prerogative to ask; it's mine to answer. Go right on ahead."

"I mainly do landscapes, but I'm interested in exploring portraiture," he pauses, gathering his courage. Bless his heart. "And I was wondering if you were interested in modeling."

I pause. And if I ever made a comment worthy of my mother, it was this reply.

"And what, exactly, would this modeling entail?" I ask, right eyebrow raised and choosing every word with excruciating care. My momma'd be proud.

"Well," he shifts his weight, "I was hoping there would be nude work involved..."

At this point I'm fighting a laugh. It took two minutes to get to the point.

"Well sir, I didn't mention what I write about. I write mostly on weight maintenance and life after weight loss. I used to weight 350 pounds and have quite a bit of loose skin, so whatever you think you see isn't exactly reality."

He paused, "Well *ahem* I was mainly interested in face work."

I told him to have a good night and head home, smirking.

The Moral: Loose Skin. Best A-hole deterrent ever.


Best,
Russ Lane

Fight for the Good Stuff

We Keep It Off.com:
www.wekeepitoff.com

Befriend WKIO on Facebook |
www.facebook.com/SecondHelping

If you lost 30 pounds and kept it off a year, volunteer for the National Weight Control Registry
www.nwcr.ws/default.htm Vive La Resistance!
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
3/7/10 9:58 P

Send Private Message
Reply
"clean humour" is very difficult and not overly easy to find

had a few giggles over them though

Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
RUSSLANE's Photo RUSSLANE Posts: 401
3/7/10 9:39 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I hit reply to chime in, only to realize I do not know this "clean humor" concept. Mildly suggestive, of course, but "clean?"

*Is so heading to church tomorrow!*

Best,
Russ Lane

Fight for the Good Stuff

We Keep It Off.com:
www.wekeepitoff.com

Befriend WKIO on Facebook |
www.facebook.com/SecondHelping

If you lost 30 pounds and kept it off a year, volunteer for the National Weight Control Registry
www.nwcr.ws/default.htm Vive La Resistance!
MYGEORGE's Photo MYGEORGE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (55,384)
Posts: 2,533
3/7/10 7:36 P

Send Private Message
Reply
The Mouse Story with a Moral

A mouse looked through the crack
in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. What food might this contain?' The mouse wondered - - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house! The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me.I cannotnbe bothered by it. The mouse turned to the pig and told him, There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house! The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers. The mouse turned to the cow and said there is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house! The cow said, Wow, Mr. Mouse.I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose. So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap . . . alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness,she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. But his wife's sickness continued,so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember ----when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.


I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.


 current weight: 140.0 
 
234
210.5
187
163.5
140
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
3/7/10 2:56 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
MYGEORGE's Photo MYGEORGE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (55,384)
Posts: 2,533
3/5/10 10:00 P

Send Private Message
Reply
In the hospital, where their family member lay gravely ill, the relatives gathered in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yoursself. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, Well, how much does a brain cost? The doctor quickly responded, $5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain. The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.



I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.


 current weight: 140.0 
 
234
210.5
187
163.5
140
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
3/5/10 9:34 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

Allergy Medicine

During a revival, the visiting evangelist arrived without his allergy medicine.

Our pastor put him in touch with a doctor in our church for an emergency prescription to get him through the week. The evangelist was so appreciative of the doctor that during the last service, he recommended the doctor to the entire crowd. The ensuing laughter was a mystery to him until after the service.

That was when the host pastor informed him that he had just recommended the local OB-GYN.


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
MYGEORGE's Photo MYGEORGE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (55,384)
Posts: 2,533
3/4/10 8:46 P

Send Private Message
Reply
OMG!

Three quarterbacks die and go to heaven.

God asks Peyton Manning first: "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.. Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Brett Favre: "And you, Brett, what do you believe?" Brett replies, "I believe you're in my seat."



I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.


 current weight: 140.0 
 
234
210.5
187
163.5
140
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
3/4/10 1:49 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Loved the Lizard Breath. I read it along time ago and enjoyed it just as much this time.

March 4

Undies

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them

Mom said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".

Susie said: " I know they do .... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
MYGEORGE's Photo MYGEORGE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (55,384)
Posts: 2,533
3/3/10 7:46 P

Send Private Message
Reply
LOL! This is long but worth it.

"Lizard Birth"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged..

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap..

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just . .. . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!



I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.


 current weight: 140.0 
 
234
210.5
187
163.5
140
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
3/2/10 10:07 P

Send Private Message
Reply
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.


One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and
ask what we're selling."


Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intentely then
rapped on the glass, and in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"


One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling jackasses.


Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."


Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
MYGEORGE's Photo MYGEORGE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (55,384)
Posts: 2,533
3/2/10 3:26 P

Send Private Message
Reply

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is
your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are.




I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.


 current weight: 140.0 
 
234
210.5
187
163.5
140
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
3/2/10 12:10 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Oh that was good. I'm still laughing. I can see some of me in that story and I am 61!

School Notes

The following notes from parents excusing their children from attending school have been around a while but if you haven't seen them, I'm sure you will get a kick out of them:

"Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday because he had the fuel."

"Please accuse Michael from being absent on January 30 because he was aleing."

"George was absent yesterday because of a sore trout."

"Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

"Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth taken off his face."

"My son is under doctor's care and should not take fisical education. Please execute him."

"Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very loose vowels."


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
2/28/10 9:33 A

Send Private Message
Reply
Feeling old?


$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount.

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. Only $4.68 he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet, a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to
boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh? I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot , relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, What is the world coming to?h All I could say was, Did I leave my food and drink in here?h At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits..

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, I think you left this in my truck by mistake. I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.



Edited by: EEVEE1 at: 2/28/2010 (09:38)
Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
MYGEORGE's Photo MYGEORGE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (55,384)
Posts: 2,533
2/27/10 12:57 P

Send Private Message
Reply
Good one! LOL

Subject: BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS

Towards the end of a round of golf,
Dave hit his ball into the woods
and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his
ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in
the patch.

All of a sudden . . .POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared. She said,
'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it
took me to make those
buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you
won't have any
butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life:
better still, you
won't have any butter for your toast for the rest
of your life... As a
matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for
anything the rest of
your life!!!

Then POOF! . .. . she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for
his friend,
'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy
willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
SWING!!!


I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.


 current weight: 140.0 
 
234
210.5
187
163.5
140
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/26/10 10:13 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this: My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00. I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use 'But we didn't use them. ''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says. But we didn't go to any of those shows. 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I write a cheque and give it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. ''But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'' ''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.' 'But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. 'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'



Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
2/25/10 10:43 P

Send Private Message
Reply
eewh! emoticon

Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
MYGEORGE's Photo MYGEORGE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (55,384)
Posts: 2,533
2/25/10 7:57 P

Send Private Message
Reply
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,"Daddy, look at this" , and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,"Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on herface. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied,"What happened to my booger?"

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.


 current weight: 140.0 
 
234
210.5
187
163.5
140
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
2/25/10 7:57 P

Send Private Message
Reply
The Cowboy Boots



(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why..

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet...

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his little feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years!


Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/25/10 2:41 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Feb 25

Praying for Leroy

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for
Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday.




Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 2/25/2010 (14:41)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/23/10 9:33 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Feb 23

Wire Guard

Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire.

It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public.

Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me.

"Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 2/23/2010 (09:34)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/22/10 4:08 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Feb 22

A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as, "Take with food," and "Take with water."

At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.

Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook.

It read:

"Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh







Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/18/10 11:31 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon

Feb 18

Note From The Judge

During court one busy day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 2/18/2010 (11:36)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
2/18/10 7:48 A

Send Private Message
Reply
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Hed never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?

Murphy said, I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynns hat.

The priest said, Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didnt steal McGlynns hat. What changed your mind?

Murphy replied, Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didnt need to steal McGlynns hat after all.

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?

Murphy slowly shook his head. No, Father, after ya talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery I remembered where I left me hat..



Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/17/10 11:15 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Love it! You also reminded me it's time for my "yearly" Oh No! Hope I don't get Belinda. emoticon

Feb 17

My brother sent me 4 in one e-mail today so here they are.
*****************

A veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist. One day,
one of his experiments paid off.
He successfully combined
The DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog. The result
was a small, round dog with orange-tinted fur.
For many years, the dog was happy. But over time,
he became lethargic and morose. The vet tried
everything to cure the dog's depression.
Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet
psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told the veterinarian
not to worry. The dog was just a little melon collie.
_____________

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After
she woke up, she told her husband, "I just
dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said. That evening,
the man came home with a small package and gave it
to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to
find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
_________________

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward,
to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher
asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my
hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear,
and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and
prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands,
stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday".
_______________
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do
you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,"
replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me
give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil
is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the
father of lawyers,'... so I let it go...."



Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 2/17/2010 (11:23)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ALLELUIA525's Photo ALLELUIA525 Posts: 18,444
2/15/10 8:58 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story.

"Your Honour," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?' I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard then felt a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off!

'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.' Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!'

~ Tanya ~

"Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward..."

"All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them."

(quotes: Walter Elias Disney)


 Pounds lost: 21.5 
 
0
24.75
49.5
74.25
99
MYGEORGE's Photo MYGEORGE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (55,384)
Posts: 2,533
2/15/10 6:37 P

Send Private Message
Reply
LOL!

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.


 current weight: 140.0 
 
234
210.5
187
163.5
140
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/15/10 11:11 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon

Feb 15

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
MYGEORGE's Photo MYGEORGE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (55,384)
Posts: 2,533
2/14/10 2:27 P

Send Private Message
Reply
FIRST TIME SEX .............. A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist.'



I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.


 current weight: 140.0 
 
234
210.5
187
163.5
140
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
2/13/10 6:46 P

Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
MYGEORGE's Photo MYGEORGE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (55,384)
Posts: 2,533
2/13/10 5:48 P

Send Private Message
Reply
Love it!

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.


 current weight: 140.0 
 
234
210.5
187
163.5
140
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/13/10 9:41 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
That was so funny! emoticon emoticon

Feb. 13

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year Ken would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair,

and Ken said,

'Edna, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Ken replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!' emoticon

Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 2/13/2010 (09:42)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
MYGEORGE's Photo MYGEORGE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (55,384)
Posts: 2,533
2/12/10 6:44 P

Send Private Message
Reply
Four Friends spent weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night............. Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over............On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.


 current weight: 140.0 
 
234
210.5
187
163.5
140
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/12/10 1:31 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
2/12/10 5:44 A

Send Private Message
Reply
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, And all the patients were shouting, 13.13.13.

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a Little hole in the fence, so I looked through to see What was going on..

One of them poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting 14.14.14



Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/11/10 11:11 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Feb 11

Retarded Grandparents

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren."


Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 2/11/2010 (12:37)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/10/10 12:39 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon That was cute!

Feb 10

Starts with F and ends with K


A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants..'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands...'

The principal was trembling.


Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'




Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 2/10/2010 (00:40)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
STAMPINITUP's Photo STAMPINITUP SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (12,480)
Posts: 11,147
2/10/10 12:37 A

Send Private Message
Reply
***** FEB. 10TH ****

While visiting a friend in the hospital a young man noticed several pretty nurses, each one of them was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. What does the pin signify? he asked one of them. Oh! Nothing, she said with a chuckle. We just use it to keep the doctors away.



Marj

Leader: World's Best Grandmal
Leader: Creating A New You
Leader: Strengthen and Tone Your Body
Leader: Body Beautiful
Leader: Blooming Roses
Leader: GET FIT....For Life
Leader: Sparkle N Shine 2010
Leader: New Beginnings
Leader: Fit & Fab
Leader: Spreading the Spark
STAMPINITUP's Photo STAMPINITUP SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (12,480)
Posts: 11,147
2/9/10 3:17 P

Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

A woman at a department store ask a clerk: Will you help me out, please?
Certainly, just go through that door replied the clerk.



Marj

Leader: World's Best Grandmal
Leader: Creating A New You
Leader: Strengthen and Tone Your Body
Leader: Body Beautiful
Leader: Blooming Roses
Leader: GET FIT....For Life
Leader: Sparkle N Shine 2010
Leader: New Beginnings
Leader: Fit & Fab
Leader: Spreading the Spark
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/8/10 9:59 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Feb 8

Shirt Note

The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo. Heart aflutter, he opened her response.

It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 2/8/2010 (11:06)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
2/6/10 7:30 P

Send Private Message
Reply
guess I'll be needing one of those beds
emoticon

Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/6/10 11:36 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
The Bathtub Test.

During a visit to the seniors home, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/5/10 11:08 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Love it! emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
2/5/10 10:01 P

Send Private Message
Reply
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.

But there was no answer from his new pet..

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,?How about going to church with me and receive blessings?

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipedes house and shouted, Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?

This time, a little voice came out of the box, I heard you the first time! Im still putting on my shoes!



Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
2/5/10 10:01 P

Send Private Message
Reply
too funny, quite a bit of truth to that one I would think

Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/5/10 9:34 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Feb. 5

Sound familiar?

A group of 40 year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because that would be a great idea since they had never been there before.

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 11,426
2/4/10 4:05 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I love oxymorons:
Microsoft Works



Lost 65 lbs and maintained since 2006.


 current weight: 10.0  over
 
15
7.5
0
-7.5
-15
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/4/10 2:18 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Amerians, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues and wearing a name tag reading "Bear," the general's nickname.

As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom: "Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy bear."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
MYGEORGE's Photo MYGEORGE SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (55,384)
Posts: 2,533
2/3/10 6:18 P

Send Private Message
Reply
Fun stuff! Thanks :)

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.


 current weight: 140.0 
 
234
210.5
187
163.5
140
CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 11,426
2/3/10 2:24 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A little food humor:
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

Lost 65 lbs and maintained since 2006.


 current weight: 10.0  over
 
15
7.5
0
-7.5
-15
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
2/3/10 12:07 P

Send Private Message
Reply
A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, Here mate, you got any salmon? to which the barman replies, No, sorry we dont serve food in here. The duck promptly walks out.

The next day he returns, and asks the barman the same question. Here mate, you got any salmon. The barman, slightly bemused, replies No, as I said yesterday already, we dont serve any food in here. We dont have any salmon.

The duck leaves but nevertheless returns the next day and asks the same question AGAIN. The barman loses his patience and yells at the duck, For the last time! We dont have any salmon here! If you come in here and ask that question one more time, Im gonna nail your flippers to the floor.

So the duck leaves.only to return the next day. He asks the barman You got any nails?, and the barman replies, No..so the duck asks him You got any salmon?



Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
BAILEYS7OF9's Photo BAILEYS7OF9 SparkPoints: (123,619)
Fitness Minutes: (99,301)
Posts: 18,683
2/3/10 11:50 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
love it, thanks.






 current weight: 107.0 
 
128
122.75
117.5
112.25
107
DONNAEDA's Photo DONNAEDA SparkPoints: (103,369)
Fitness Minutes: (21,557)
Posts: 25,822
2/3/10 11:29 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
thanks, cute jokes. I appreciate a reason to smile

Donna
Brown Deer, WI
leader of Weight Watchers Support team - leader
http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_
individual.asp?gid=30504

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30504


 Pounds lost: 75.0 
 
0
18.75
37.5
56.25
75
ZUCCHINIQUEEN's Photo ZUCCHINIQUEEN Posts: 7,556
2/3/10 6:31 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Love it, EEVVEE! Thanks for starting my mornign with a laugh!

 current weight: 127.0 
 
207
187
167
147
127
CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 11,426
2/3/10 12:09 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Here are some creative definitions from Mensa International:

inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


Lost 65 lbs and maintained since 2006.


 current weight: 10.0  over
 
15
7.5
0
-7.5
-15
EEVEE1's Photo EEVEE1 Posts: 4,426
2/2/10 11:22 P

Send Private Message
Reply
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, Lets go. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.

Why? asked the pilot.

Because Im a photographer for CNN , he responded, and I need to get some close up shots.

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, So, what youre telling me, is . . . Youre NOT my flight instructor?



Success consists of a series of little daily victories.

Laddie Hutar



co-leaderof spark bookworms bookclub
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=7956


 current weight: 18.4  over
 
20
10
0
-10
-20
ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,174)
Fitness Minutes: (16,534)
Posts: 39,080
2/2/10 10:57 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I asked if I could stat a humor thread and I was told Yes. I ask that others post funny stories and jokes here too. Let's keep this thread going.

Dog Growth

A distraught dog owner called his vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth. The vet told him to bring the animal right over.

When the man came in, the vet examined the dog as the man stood by, anxiously waiting. At last the vet turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?"

"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.

"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


 current weight: 125.0 
 
135
132.5
130
127.5
125
Page: 1 of (1)   1

Report Innappropriate Post

Other At Goal & Maintaining + Transition to Maintenance General Team Discussion Forum Posts

Topics: Last Post:
JENNILACEY has maintained for ONE YEAR! 3/16/2014 3:06:07 PM
Daily check in 8/13 8/14/2014 10:41:35 PM
PAM_COOPER has maintained for ONE YEAR! 12/11/2013 10:54:23 PM
Daily check in 6/21 6/22/2014 5:08:59 PM
STITCHINGNAN has maintained for TWO YEARS!!! 9/1/2014 7:23:10 PM

Thread URL: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_messageboard_thread.asp?board=0x1111x31647386

Review our Community Guidelines