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PORKCHOP_4's Photo PORKCHOP_4 Posts: 384
8/3/08 4:37 P

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Amen!

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Greg "Porkchop" Smith

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8/3/08 2:19 P

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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

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Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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PORKCHOP_4's Photo PORKCHOP_4 Posts: 384
7/28/08 2:28 P

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My wife loves Josh Hartnett. She gushes over him everytime we watch one of his movies.

One night I said, "Hey, if you take away his youth, his good looks, his money, and his talent, what have you got?"

She replied, "You!"

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Greg "Porkchop" Smith

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7/26/08 5:34 P

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emoticon I liked it too. Probably not too far from the truth in some cities and towns. emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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PORKCHOP_4's Photo PORKCHOP_4 Posts: 384
7/26/08 3:15 P

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I like this one:

Clem looked out at his back yard and saw three shifty-looking men. They were obviously casing his shed with intentions of breaking into it.

He quickly dialed 911 and told the police "There are some guys in my back yard who are about to break into my shed and steal my tools. I want them arrested!"

The police dispatcher said, "I'm sorry, mister, but we are short-handed. We just don't have enough men to send a unit to your place for this kind of thing. Just keep an eye on them and let us know what happens."

Clem hung up the phone and thought about this for a few minutes. Then he called the dispatcher back and said, "Never mind about that trouble call. I handled it. I got my twelve gauge and shot all three of them!"

Clem hung up again. Four squad cars pulled up in less than a minute.

As they were taking away the three trespassers in handcuffs, one officer turned to Clem and said, "I thought you said you shot them."

Clem replied, "I thought you said you didn't have anybody available."

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Greg "Porkchop" Smith

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7/21/08 9:37 P

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Very funny. Thanks!

Subject: The Final Exam

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores
taking chemistry and�
all of them had an 'A' so far.�
These four friends were so confident that,�
the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some
friends and have a
big party. They had a great time but, after all the
hearty partying, they
slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn
State until early
Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that
after the final they
would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they
visited friends but on the way back they had a flat
tire. As a result,they missed the final. The professor agreed they
could make up the final
the next day. The guys were excited and relieved.
They studied that night
for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem
worth 5 points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to
be easy... then they turned the page. On the second
page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________?

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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PORKCHOP_4's Photo PORKCHOP_4 Posts: 384
7/21/08 4:59 P

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Hi Folks! Here is my contribution:

Pierre, Antonio and Clem were adrift in a dingy. The big ship they were traveling on had sunk in a storm and they had been out to sea for many days. As the days wore on and on, they ran out of food and water and they became very desperate.

Just when the situation looked hopeless, Pierre spotted a brass lamp floating on the sea. He plucked it out of the water and began to polish it and...POOF...a genie appeared. The genie looked them all over and said, "You have freed me from the lamp so I will grant each of you a wish. What do you wish for?"

Pierre said, "Oh, my wish is obvious. I am from France. I wish to be in Paree!" As soon as he finished speaking, there was a puff of smoke and he disappeared.

Antonio said, "Oh, I am from Italy. I wish to be in Rome!". There was a puff of smoke and Antonio was also gone.

All alone now, Clem looked at the genie and scratched his head and went into deep thought. Several minutes went by.

The genie became impatient and said, "Well? What is your wish?"

"I dunno!" said Clem. "This is a big decision. I wish Pierre and Antonio were here to help me with this."

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Greg "Porkchop" Smith

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7/20/08 10:48 A

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West Virginia Ten Commandments

Some people in West Virginia have trouble with all those 'shalls' and 'shall not's' in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms.. So, some folks in West Virginia got together and translated the 'King James' into 'County' language..... no joke, read on...

The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at First Baptist Church in Summersville , West Virginia )

(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,445)
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7/19/08 1:40 P

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Subject: HOW ABOUT A NICE TIE?

THIS MADE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD! HOPE IT DOES THE SAME FOR YOU!

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked 'Do you have water?'

The Jew replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'

'OK,' said the old Jew, 'It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that... If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need...Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back and, through his parched throat, muttered: 'Your brother won't let me in his restaurant without a tie.'

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,445)
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7/18/08 2:24 P

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Reasons Why a Farmer's Truck is Never Stolen

* They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.

* Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

* It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

* It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.

* The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

* They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.

* The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.

* Top speed is only about 45 mph.

* Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.

* It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,445)
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7/17/08 10:46 P

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*Parting Words*

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,445)
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7/17/08 10:08 P

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emoticon emoticon O my gosh..how funny!

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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TERRIPHILL's Photo TERRIPHILL Posts: 2,864
7/17/08 9:48 P

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Where do you find a dog with no legs?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Right where you left him.

Laughter is to life what shock absorbers are to automobiles. It won't take the potholes out of the road, but it sure makes the ride smoother.
- Barbara Johnson

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=36102


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,445)
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7/17/08 9:44 P

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emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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TERRIPHILL's Photo TERRIPHILL Posts: 2,864
7/17/08 8:55 A

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What did the fish say when he ran into the concrete wall?.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Dam

Laughter is to life what shock absorbers are to automobiles. It won't take the potholes out of the road, but it sure makes the ride smoother.
- Barbara Johnson

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=36102


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7/16/08 8:45 P

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emoticon

*Mouse Mom*

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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TERRIPHILL's Photo TERRIPHILL Posts: 2,864
7/16/08 5:05 P

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O.K. This came from a friend recently who told this as a true story about the pastor of his church.

He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.

He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.

This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?' She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.

Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Lesson learned: Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.


Laughter is to life what shock absorbers are to automobiles. It won't take the potholes out of the road, but it sure makes the ride smoother.
- Barbara Johnson

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=36102


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,445)
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7/15/08 2:06 P

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TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Waist Deep*

While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow."

The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,445)
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7/11/08 8:34 P

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emoticon emoticon Very funny!

Here's one I received from a friend for today's laugh'

My age has been noticed!

I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair.??? He turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered"???? And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!!




Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 7/12/2008 (13:00)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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PORKCHOP_4's Photo PORKCHOP_4 Posts: 384
7/11/08 3:40 P

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The bartender leaned across the bar and said to Tom and Harry, "Hey, do you guys mind getting Charlie home? He's had a few too many tonight." He pointed to a man passed out in the corner.

Harry said, "No problem. We'll get him home."

They got Charlie up on his feet, but he couldn't stand very well, so they decided to drag him to the car.

When they got to Charlie's house, he still couldn't stand, so they decided to prop him up between them and walk him to the front door. It took a while but they got him onto the porch and to the door and rang the doorbell.

A lady came to the door and gasped at the three of them.

"Do you know this guy?" asked Harry.

"Yes, he is my husband," she said. She kept frowning and looking around the porch.

"What's wrong?" asked Harry.

"Where's his wheelchair?"


Greg "Porkchop" Smith

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7/10/08 4:22 P

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I like that one!!

Greg "Porkchop" Smith

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7/10/08 10:41 A

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*Natural Antibiotic*

While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.

When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic.

I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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ANGELBELIEVER's Photo ANGELBELIEVER SparkPoints: (56,445)
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6/23/08 5:15 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
I'll have to remember that one for my brother who is a minister! emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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PORKCHOP_4's Photo PORKCHOP_4 Posts: 384
6/23/08 4:12 P

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There were once three sisters who were discussing marriage.

The first one said, "I am going to marry a car dealer. We can all have cars for nothing!"

The second one said, "I am going to marry a grocer. We can all have food for nothing!"

The third one said, "I am going to marry a minister. We can all be good for nothing!"

emoticon

Greg "Porkchop" Smith

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6/21/08 4:13 P

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emoticon Like the "new car smell, huh? Very good!

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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PORKCHOP_4's Photo PORKCHOP_4 Posts: 384
6/21/08 3:56 P

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Over heard in a bar:

"I've been married five times.
I just can't resist that new wife smell."


Greg "Porkchop" Smith

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6/21/08 3:09 P

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Friends send me all sorts of jokes all the time! My Mom is among them too. Glad I can pass them on and make someone else laugh! emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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LEELYNN2's Photo LEELYNN2 SparkPoints: (43,883)
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6/21/08 2:25 P

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where do you get these things ANGELBLIEVER? lol

"Motivation is not something you find or lose, have or don't have. It is the product of how you see yourself in the world: active or passive, effective or ineffective, powerful or victimized, normal or pathological."
Coach Dean

"I hold this jagged stone in my chest of keepsakes" AUNTMOUSE


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No Pun Intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, 'It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!"

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,"Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..........

(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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6/21/08 12:16 A

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emoticon I think we all have met her at one time or another!

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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6/20/08 3:14 P

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I think I know that girl!!

emoticon

Greg "Porkchop" Smith

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6/20/08 10:59 A

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*Picture Favor*

Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward their end of their meal, one of them got up and produced a camera.

"Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You have to be in the picture too."

When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?"

"Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always get double prints."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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6/18/08 11:40 A

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Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

emoticon

Greg "Porkchop" Smith

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6/18/08 10:28 A

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The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again, and it won again.



The local paper read:

PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day, the local paper headline
read:

BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.


The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.



The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.


The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery .. .
even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

Have
A
Nice Day!

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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6/18/08 12:45 A

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emoticon Very good!

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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6/17/08 7:44 P

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That was a good one, AngelBeliever!

Do you know what the difference is between a Hoover vacuum and a Harley?

The dirtbag is in a different position.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!!

(a little biker humor)

emoticon

Greg "Porkchop" Smith

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6/17/08 2:38 P

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*Roughing It*

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You." emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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6/15/08 1:42 P

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That was a good one, Angelbeliever. The ending was totally unexpected!

emoticon

Greg "Porkchop" Smith

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6/15/08 12:52 P

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Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are.

Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old
man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places
are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM.
but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and
shine some things.

No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.

Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad,there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie
and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till
noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,'
which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks
so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as
far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we
all ride back in trucks.

This will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls- eye is near as big as a chipmunk
head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at
home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.You don't
even load your own cartridges.They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over
in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me,
but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Carol
emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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6/13/08 10:16 P

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The Logic of Love: Man to Woman


I'm in love,
You're in love-
We should get married to some people. emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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6/13/08 3:03 P

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More, more. These are great. Keep 'em coming. I would post some jokes on here, but most of mine are not suitable for general audiences.

Live in the Now.

**Ticker reflects Maintaining GW of 145 +/- 3 lbs.


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I should have pointed out this was an e-mail story I got, not MY personal story! emoticon I appreciated it because I do have a cat, but not kids!

Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 6/13/2008 (22:09)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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6/12/08 2:11 P

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Oh.............My............God!

That is funny, Angelbeliever!

I hope you threw that chapstick away.

emoticon

Edited by: PORKCHOP_4 at: 6/12/2008 (14:10)
Greg "Porkchop" Smith

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6/11/08 10:19 P

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Chapstick

We had this great 10-year-old cat named Jack who just
recently died.

Jack was a great cat, and the kids would carry him around
and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to
hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom.

We have three kids, and at the time of this story, they were
4 years old, 3 years old, and 1 year old. The middle one is
Eli. Eli really loved Chapstick. LOVED it. He kept asking to
use my Chapstick and then would lose it. Finally one day I
showed him where in the bathroom I keep my Chapstick and
explained h e could use it whenever he wanted to, but he
needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished.

That year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush
around and try to get ready for church with everyone crying
and carrying on. My two boys were fighting over the toy in
the cereal box. I was trying to nurse my little one at the
same time I was putting on my make-up. Everything was a
mess, and everyone had long forgotten that this was a
wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is
motherhood.

We finally had the older one and the baby loaded in the car
and I was looking for Eli. I searched everywhere and I
finally went into the bathroom. There was Eli. He was
applying my Chapstick very carefully to Jack's ... rear end.
Eli looked right into my eyes and said, 'Chapped.' Now if
you have a cat, you know that he is right -- their little
bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. The only question to ask at that point was
whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's
behind or the hundredth!?!

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it
reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these
glorious little creatures, there will always be that day
when you realize they've been using your Chapstick on the
cat's butt.
emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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6/9/08 11:49 P

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emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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6/9/08 4:06 P

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Hi All,

A man went in to a store and said, "I'm bringing back this thermos. It doesn't work."

"What's wrong with it?" asked the clerk.

"Well, it doesn't keep hot things hot and cold things cold!"

"What did you put in it?"

"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle!"

emoticon

Greg "Porkchop" Smith

HOOTWOMAN Posts: 2,138
6/6/08 12:53 P

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emoticon emoticon




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6/6/08 10:42 A

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*Classmate Reunion*

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1971. Why?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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6/3/08 9:34 A

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emoticon + emoticon = emoticon




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6/3/08 9:13 A

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Mensa Members Miss Easy Solution

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local café. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their peppershaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the peppershaker contains salt and the saltshaker?"

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them. emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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6/2/08 9:20 A

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emoticon !! Thanks for the tummy tickler!!!




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6/1/08 2:57 P

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for
the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough
to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn'tya
tell me the dog was Catholic? emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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5/24/08 7:44 P

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emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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HOOTWOMAN Posts: 2,138
5/24/08 9:52 A

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Saturday Morning Giggles!!! emoticon
You have tickled my tummy yet again
Angelbeliever!!


Peace,
Betsy




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5/24/08 9:01 A

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CATHOLIC GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she
ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline
station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas.The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been
loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister
Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to
wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with
gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to
the patient.

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the
station, filled it with gasoline, and
carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank,
two Baptists watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said,
" If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!"
emoticon emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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5/22/08 4:05 P

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*Computer Help Desk*
Heard by the computer help desk:

A customer couldn't get on the Internet:

Helpdesk: "Are you sure you used the right password?"

Customer: "Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."

Helpdesk: "Can you tell me what the password was?"

Customer: "Five stars."

______

Helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?"

Customer: "A white one."

______

Customer: "Hi, this is Rose. I can't get my diskette out."

Helpdesk: "Have you tried pushing the button?"

Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck."

Helpdesk: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note."

Customer: "No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry..."

______

Helpdesk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen."

Customer: "Your left or my left?"

______

Helpdesk: "Good day. How may I help you?"

Male customer: "Hello, I can't print."

Helpdesk: "Would you click on start for me and..."

Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"

______

Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it."

______

Customer: "I have problems printing in red."

Helpdesk: "Do you have a color printer?"

Customer: "Aaaah... Thank you."

______

Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore."

Helpdesk: "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?"

Customer: "No. I can't get behind the computer."

Helpdesk: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back."

Customer: "Okay."

Helpdesk: "Did the keyboard come with you?"

Customer: "Yes."

Helpdesk: "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?"

Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ahh, that one works!"

______

Helpdesk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'."

Customer: "Is that '7' in capital letters?"

______

Helpdesk: "What anti-virus program do you use?"

Customer: "Netscape."

Helpdesk: "That's not an anti-virus program."

Customer: "Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer."

______

Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!"

______

Helpdesk: "How may I help you?"

Customer: "I'm writing my first e-mail."

Helpdesk: "Okay, and what seems to be the problem?"

Customer: "Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh emoticon

Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 5/22/2008 (16:04)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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5/21/08 8:58 P

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emoticon Elayne!




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5/21/08 8:55 P

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I don't mean to be insensitive, but I couldn't help but laugh ! You will too ! Love, Elayne

There I was on my way to Wal-Mart... getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... wasn't even on the horizon. I was in a great mood ... and then ... I rear-ended a car. So there we were alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car.
.... and you know how you just get sooooo stressed, and how things seem to just get worse instead of better, and eventually, life-stuff just seems to get funny????
Well, I could NOT believe it ... the guy was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
"I AM NOT HAPPY! "
So.... I looked down at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?"
....and that's when the fight started.
emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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5/20/08 4:17 P

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You Betcha emoticon but with MUCH emoticon emoticon emoticon !!!




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5/20/08 3:16 P

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Joy for the Journey

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him.


He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and have a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'


emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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HOOTWOMAN Posts: 2,138
5/20/08 10:04 A

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HA emoticon HA emoticon HA emoticon

Angelbeliever this one is priceless!!!




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5/20/08 9:42 A

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the
same again. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn cat would
always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a several
miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a
safe distance from his home and left the cat there....
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers..."why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered:

Put him on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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5/19/08 9:18 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon




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5/18/08 3:14 P

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You're welocme.I love helping people smile and laugh. Here's another one that I hope will do the same!

This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!


An Alberta couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Calgary and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email to a wrong person!!

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: January 17, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!
emoticon

Edited by: ANGELBELIEVER at: 5/20/2008 (00:35)
Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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JABSAS's Photo JABSAS Posts: 719
5/16/08 8:47 P

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Thanks for making me smile I sure needed that today. Judy

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5/16/08 7:58 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon

Very Good...Made me laugh!!! Thank you!!




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5/16/08 11:28 A

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*Senior Ailments*

A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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4/11/08 11:20 P

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Cute Angel, I'm smiling...

highest weight ever:202, SP starting weight: 143

New goal: more practical new goal, 129, update ticker to reflect that goal.

H: 5''4" 50 y.o.

"Don''t let yesterday use up too much of today." Will Rogers

"Eat Food, Not Too Much, Mostly Plants" Michael Pollan



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----- NOW THIS IS SWEET!!

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'







Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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4/10/08 9:46 A

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After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but
I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your
ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on
both sides had jet-black hair for generations. "

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have
sex?"
The man ! seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made
love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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4/1/08 10:10 A

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Subject: Lena and Ole's


Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena wakes Ole and
says, "I tink it's time!"

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to
have
their first baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at
Ole
and said, "A son! Ain't dat great!"

Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said,
"Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor den held up a little girl.
He
said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!

She's a pretty little ting, too." Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an
then
the doctor said, "Holey Moley, Ole, we still ain't done yet!" The doctor
then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yo urself another
boy!"

Ole was flabbergasted by this news! A couple days later, Ole brought
Lena
and their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real
serious and he asked Lena , "How come we got tree on the first try?" Lena
said, "You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in
the
garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

Ole said, "Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a dern good ting I didn't get the
WD-40!!"
emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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3/31/08 6:38 A

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thanks Elayne...a little humor is a great way to start the day!

"If you keep on doing what you've always done you'll keep on going where you've always gone"

"The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows where?"


SW 193 October 2004

GW 132 with Weight Watchers achieved Oct 2005


MAINTENANCE TICKER:


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3/30/08 4:04 P

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emoticon Thanks Elaine!

highest weight ever:202, SP starting weight: 143

New goal: more practical new goal, 129, update ticker to reflect that goal.

H: 5''4" 50 y.o.

"Don''t let yesterday use up too much of today." Will Rogers

"Eat Food, Not Too Much, Mostly Plants" Michael Pollan



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3/30/08 1:15 P

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I started this thread and hope you will add stories that make you laugh. We need to maintain our sense of humor on a daily basis.

My Résumé

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5.. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. So, I Tried RETIREMENT, and found I'm perfect for the job!

emoticon

Elayne from
Florida Eastern Time Zone

" My goal is to live the truly religious life, and express it in my music. If you live it, when you play, there's no problem because the music is part of the whole thing. To be a musician is really something. It goes very,very deep. My music is the spiritual expression of what I am--my faith, my knowledge, my being." by John Coltrane

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life!.-Annonymous

Music is a moral l


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