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CAMEY13's Photo CAMEY13 Posts: 22,600
2/11/12 1:55 P

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Doesn't anyone else have any funny jokes to add? You must get them in your emails.

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KIN59VARA's Photo KIN59VARA SparkPoints: (177,353)
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2/11/12 1:50 P

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LOVE it!

Patricia

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain!!
- Vivian Greene

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CAMEY13's Photo CAMEY13 Posts: 22,600
2/11/12 1:44 P

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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!

Tips for Writing welcomes new members. We have changed our logo so people will know we are not only a writing board, but a weight loss one too.
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CAMEY13's Photo CAMEY13 Posts: 22,600
2/10/12 7:47 A

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Did I read that sign right?
In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.


Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.


THE EMPOWERED LIFE EXPECT IT . BELIEVE IT. RECEIVE IT.
The human will is the most incredible thing. It's keeps us going, when everyone else expects us to quit. JOIN ME IN THE
WAR AGAINST FAT:

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CAMEY13's Photo CAMEY13 Posts: 22,600
2/9/12 3:03 P

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A Oklahoma State football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback riding accident.
He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily the manager of the WalMart came out and unplugged it in time!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How do you get a Oklahoma State cheerleader out of your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at Oklahoma State.

The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can you tell a Oklahoma State fan is on location at a drilling rig?

He’s the one throwing bread to the helicopters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Oklahoma State fan got a job at a sawmill. Just before lunch on his first day, he lost a finger. When asked how he lost it, he replied, “I just touched this big spinning thing here like this…Damn! There goes another one!”



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GINA180847's Photo GINA180847 SparkPoints: (111,138)
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2/9/12 9:22 A

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I especially love the one about life being like a roll of toilet paper, amen to that!!!

"The world is one country and mankind its citizens" one of the many truths spoken by Baha'u'llah and "Love is the light that guideth in darkness, the living link that uniteth God with man, that assureth the progress of every illumined soul."


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,515
2/9/12 3:58 A

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A couple was talking about going to a Face and Body Painting Workshop.

The man teased, "I could get naked and she can nude bodypaint me as an elephant."

She asked "Whoever heard of a pug-nosed elephant?"


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CAMEY13's Photo CAMEY13 Posts: 22,600
2/8/12 6:51 P

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THOUGHTS BY 'Papa Duck'

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside? Another completely brilliant question!!!!

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier’ This is a very special statement!!!!!!!!!

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Ya just might want to pass this along....

"In God We Trust"

It is amazing how much you have to learn before you realize you don't know nothing.

Tips for Writing welcomes new members. We have changed our logo so people will know we are not only a writing board, but a weight loss one too.
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CAMEY13's Photo CAMEY13 Posts: 22,600
2/8/12 4:46 P

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An UT grad is driving home from work when his cell phone rings. He answers and his wife says "honey just wanted to warn you and let you know that I am watching the news and some idiot is driving on the wrong side of the interstate." The UT grad then replied " honey I am already on my way home, but your wrong it is not one idiot but hundreds of them."

Tips for Writing welcomes new members. We have changed our logo so people will know we are not only a writing board, but a weight loss one too.
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LIZK007's Photo LIZK007 Posts: 4,098
2/8/12 9:47 A

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Thank you so much for the laugh - emoticon

Liz

Leader: YOGA FOR WOMEN

"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me"
~Helen Keller

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26


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CAMEY13's Photo CAMEY13 Posts: 22,600
2/8/12 8:39 A

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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders.

Tips for Writing welcomes new members. We have changed our logo so people will know we are not only a writing board, but a weight loss one too.
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,515
2/4/12 2:29 A

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Q. Why can't women read maps?

A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.


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GINA180847's Photo GINA180847 SparkPoints: (111,138)
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2/3/12 9:32 A

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Love that story! emoticon

"The world is one country and mankind its citizens" one of the many truths spoken by Baha'u'llah and "Love is the light that guideth in darkness, the living link that uniteth God with man, that assureth the progress of every illumined soul."


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,515
2/2/12 11:19 P

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Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the crap that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no crap in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some crap on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."



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MYBULLDOGS's Photo MYBULLDOGS Posts: 8,065
2/2/12 10:20 P

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LIZK007's Photo LIZK007 Posts: 4,098
2/2/12 5:33 P

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DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You
ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'



IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES !
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!


Liz

Leader: YOGA FOR WOMEN

"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me"
~Helen Keller

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26


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LIZK007's Photo LIZK007 Posts: 4,098
2/2/12 5:32 P

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These are great! Thanks for sharing - I needed a few good laughs today!


Liz

Leader: YOGA FOR WOMEN

"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me"
~Helen Keller

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26


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CAMEY13's Photo CAMEY13 Posts: 22,600
2/2/12 4:24 P

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So this woman is at a Dunkin Donuts getting a cup of coffee. As she walks out the door, she sees the strangest funeral procession heading down the street towards her.

At the front, there are two hearses, driving side by side. Immediately following behind the hearses, there is a woman, all dressed in black. She's walking and holding a leash, at the end of which, walks a large german shepherd.

A few feet behind the woman-in-black, is a long, long line of other women, all following behind in single file. The line of women is so long that the woman at the Dunkin Donuts can't yet see where it ends.

As the procession stops at a red light in front of the Dunkin Donuts, the woman with the coffee walks up to the lady-in-black, and says, "Excuse me, I really hate to bother you at this time, but I can't help but wonder what happened here?"

The woman-in-black sighs deeply, and then tells the woman with the coffee, "It was an awful tragedy. My mother-in-law came to the door late one night and my dog attacked her. My husband jumped in to help, but unfortunately, neither of them survived."

The two women looked at each other somberly for a long moment in silence.

Then the woman with the coffee asks, "Would you mind if I borrowed your dog?"

The woman in black replies, "Sure, but you'll have to get in line".


Come on you all must have some to share.



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SHER143's Photo SHER143 Posts: 1,715
2/2/12 12:06 P

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Too cute!

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CAMEY13's Photo CAMEY13 Posts: 22,600
2/2/12 8:48 A

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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON � OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? :

A short neurological test

1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

9999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999
6999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999

3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!
Oh. One more test....
Find the 44th USAPresident.


Well, congratulations, you're not color blind either!



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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,515
2/2/12 2:56 A

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Peace and long life - Jules

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HICKOK-HALEY's Photo HICKOK-HALEY SparkPoints: (117,193)
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2/1/12 10:32 P

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Good one!

A dog wags his tail with his heart.

May I always be the kind of person that my dog thinks I am.

Wild Jeanne


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GINA180847's Photo GINA180847 SparkPoints: (111,138)
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Scary but true!!

"The world is one country and mankind its citizens" one of the many truths spoken by Baha'u'llah and "Love is the light that guideth in darkness, the living link that uniteth God with man, that assureth the progress of every illumined soul."


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DWELLS1994's Photo DWELLS1994 Posts: 1,664
2/1/12 5:17 P

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LIZK007's Photo LIZK007 Posts: 4,098
2/1/12 3:41 P

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Yikes! Funny, but true!

Liz

Leader: YOGA FOR WOMEN

"What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me"
~Helen Keller

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26


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SWAYDE's Photo SWAYDE SparkPoints: (40,621)
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2/1/12 3:01 P

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~Barb~
Florida - Eastern Time Zone
Biggest Loser Challenge Team Emerald
www.fitbit.com/user/23L434

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26


 current weight: 240.8 
 
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SHIRLANGEL's Photo SHIRLANGEL Posts: 837
2/1/12 2:57 P

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"It always seems impossible until it's done." Nelson Mandela


 current weight: 249.0 
 
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CAMEY13's Photo CAMEY13 Posts: 22,600
2/1/12 2:52 P

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A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all
their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of
coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad, I
can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are
so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"
said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed
another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an
old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we can all still drive."


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Come check out this wonderful group, who are waiting for you with open arms.
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